Original subtitles

Hello...

Dr. Orpheus and team.

You have been approved for your very own Guild-certified supervillain.

Here at the Guild of Calamitous Intent,

your nemesis is our business.

But don't take our word on it, right, Sovereign?

That's right, Ward. Since 1910...

the Guild has been providing first-rate professional menace

to all who qualify.

Wow! 1910!

That's a history you can trust.

The Guild is the recognized leader in organized havoc.

Just look at these numbers!

Wow! Those are some impressive figures, Sovereign.

Why would a hero look anywhere else for a villain?

Hold on a minute, Ward. Why doesn't...

Dr. Orpheus and team,

just get his own costumed enemy?

Oh, watch. Will you ever learn?

I think this little film may help you understand.

Pumpkin,

who delivered this?

Some guy in a winter coat and Techno goggles.

Only he had, like, pipes coming out of him.

- Why, is the movie busted or something? - No. It's just that...

If it's Splash, I put it on your Netflix list.

No, no, no. It's not that. Splash?

- I just wanted to see it again. - Why would you want? Hold on.

Your scheduled screening will take place at the time specified,

and thank you for selecting the Guild of Calamitous Intent

as the instrument of your demise.

"Team"? "Lair"? I don't have...

Today? Today?!

Cool beans. What is it?

It's a walking eye, Hank, and the Government loves them.

- What does it do? - I don't know.

Walking-eye stuff, whatever. This isn't rocket science.

It could be considered a branch of rocket science.

- Camera in the eye? - Completely.

- So, it shoots lasers and stuff? - Daddy's little man.

Probably a bucket comes down for, like, water,

or even, like, monkeys that could totally drive it.

Thank you, Hank. Way to go.

I guess it would be good for stealth reconnaissance.

Well, of course it would be good for reconnaissance applications.

- Well, what does it do? - Walking eye! That... Well...

It has a camera, iris-mounted lasers, monkeyproof welding,

and silent stealth design that makes it perfect for reconnaissance applications.

- You got that from us! - Walking eye, Hank!

They're all the same. I have it written down from yesterday.

What was that?

We've got a massive breach at the main gates.

Of course! That is a walking eye. Will you do something about it

or do you want to finish your Tetris game first?

Do something? Yeah. I'm opening the secondary gates.

What the? It's like hell on earth out there.

Yo, check it! That car is totally shaped like a dragon.

- Choppers! - Guild wasps.

I got to go deal with this. They're landing in my herb garden.

- Time to die, Jefferson Twilight. - Sorry, man.

I just dropped off my laundry today. Maybe we can do this next week.

It won't hurt a bit.

I recall the process as being quite unpleasant,

but it's getting hard to remember.

It's been a while. Two hundred years.

Dude, this is gonna...

Man, this is gonna wicked, like, really hurt.

- Please don't! - Need them for my necklace.

You want me to wait till after I take your head off?

Told you.

I haven't talked to you in, like, 16 years.

You suddenly show up and rescue my...

What gives? You rescued my situation.

That was a coincidence, dear friend.

I am here to extend an offer from the Guild of Calamitous Intent.

Get out. Approval? A name-brand archenemy?

That took long enough, but... This is so...

That is... But, man, you had a kid,

got married, and got into that "Balancing good and evil" crap.

My wife left me, my daughter has a driver's license

and keeping the cosmos from chaos lacks so much of the razzle-dazzle.

My peers perceive me as a layabout.

No, man. You have a secret identity. That's classic comic stuff.

You're like Captain... You're all Aquaman.

Aquaman doesn't have a secret identity.

- He's always Aquaman. - Okay. Bad example.

Nobody believes that Aquaman is a stay-at-home dad.

Everybody knows what Aquaman does.

I don't know what Aquaman does.

Doesn't he, like, protect some lame, fake-ass kingdom?

I thought he fought Black Manta.

Come on! Why won't he just die?

You got to remove his head, but I get the teeth.

Boo!

Dude, I was about to kill you! I have dangerous catlike reflexes.

Oh, yeah. You were terrifying when you crapped your pants.

What do you got there?

This, my friend, is our future. Check it out.

Second-class arching license and reassignment pass.

You're 6 feet and 135 pounds?

- Nobody reads it. You just flash it. - You're joking.

- You would suck at arching on your own. - That's why I made you one.

You can't say no till I show you the piece de r�sistance.

Here's a hint. Flying chick magnet.

Let me think about th...

No! I almost die every day doing this job.

Come on. You got to.

You're telling me we can't do this better than the Monarch?

Yes! Exactly that.

Do you have any idea how ruthless the Monarch is?

I don't blame you for desiring me.

The Monarch is delicious. Now say it!

- I need my King Butterfly. - Deeper.

- I need my... - Deeper.

- I need... - No. Deeper.

- ...butterfly. - Deeper, way deeper.

- Butterfly. - Deeper.

- King... - Deeper.

- ...butterfly. - It's deeper.

I need my butterfly.

King Butterfly!

- I need my King... - Deeper.

Deeper than that. Way deeper.

So, you share a lair with Dr. Orpheus?

Hardly. He rents an apartment from me.

I can't believe that we are standing

in the same conference room the Treaty of Tolerance was signed in.

Yes. So cool. Your father is a legend at the Guild.

Yeah. Legend.

He's responsible for stealing my father's leg.

Don't start me!

The real Dr. Venture is why I got into this business.

Just keep the nuts away from my lab

because I have some pretty impressive things going on in there.

No. Shut up.

Yeah. We'll do our best to keep him away from your...

- Impressive. - Yeah. Impressive stuff.

You better. Where's Mr. Magic?

How come the prom queen isn't here to crown his king?

- He's astral-projecting, I think. - Showoff.

- To assemble his team. - A team?

You mean, he was approved as a team? What a wuss!

Jealous.

The Alchemist, I presume.

Byron Orpheus, you old bag of salt crackers!

- How long has it been? - Too long, my friend.

Let me in. I can't astral-project because I'm not magic.

Knew it. Still all on that stool and looking for the Philosopher's Stone.

I see that, right there.

The Philosopher's Stone is a metaphor for enlightenment.

So, in a way, yes, I am searching for it.

In the cure for AIDS.

Noble. Now I feel a little stupid for asking you this.

So you're still... you know.

Nah, I grew out of that. Yeah, you know...

It was just a phase, and I...

- No. Of course I am. Hello? - Hey, just asking.

We're thinking of reforming the Order of the Triad!

I... We have been approved for an archvillain.

Great! I'm in.

- But what of your most important work? - I need the publicity.

You know, nothing gets the people in your corner like that hero crap.

- See? - What? I'm here, aren't I?

Plus, I could use the exercise.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm getting a little paunchy.

Tell me about it. At least you have a robe to hide it.

Oh, come on. Black is slimming. No. No.

I mean, black clothing is slimming.

You gentlemen should switch to pinstripes.

It leads the eye down.

Hank, I need to speak to your brother alone.

- You told us we can't leave our room. - Go sit in the bathroom.

- And do what? - Wash your face or something.

You don't take care of your pimples now,

you'll end up like F. Murray Abraham or Edward Olmos.

Do you want to look like somebody made your face out of a beige orange peel?

All right, Dean. I need to talk about a few things with you.

- Hank did it. - Not that.

Dr. Orpheus asked me to watch his daughter,

which your father can't do because he doesn't care to.

So, I want you and Hank to entertain her today.

Triana? So you want us to put on a show for her?

Should we write a script, or do something she knows?

Oh, my goodness. We need costumes!

I thought you would react this way.

Now sit down and let me explain something

that every boy your age has known for, like, five years.

And there she is. You can see her right there writhing on the hood of the car.

What was David Coverdale to do?

Break up... White Lion?

That's Whitesnake, Dean, and yes.

Both Brock and I lay the blame squarely on Tawny's hot, silky shoulders.

Now, let that be a lesson to you.

- About what? - I'm so glad we had this talk.

Are those what I think they are?

Only if you think they're jet packs because those are jet packs.

- Where'd you get those? - Spoils of war, my friend.

Yeah. Sergeant Hatred's, I think.

Please tell me you filed them with Supplies.

Oh, my God, when did you become such a dainty little flower?

When the idiot I work with forged documents and stole jet packs!

Look. You telling me you don't want to fly into some chick's window,

all super cool with, like, a three-day beard and a [bleep]-ing jet pack?

- Granted, that is kind of sweet. - It is so sweet.

- We'll need costumes. - Got them, and they are so leather.

I'll be totally flying into some hot chick's bedroom.

Totally, and she'd be dating the good guy, and I'll come in, and I'll be all...

"I'll spare his life but only for you, sugar pants."

Dude, and then you will have sex!

You will be having sex. Sex!

Get out of my sight. The money is on the bed stand.

- You'll find its amount generous. - Thanks, sugar.

Can you give me directions to Liberty Street?

Listen and listen well!

The road before you is beset with many perils.

Every turn you make will bring you closer

to the cold, waiting hands of sister fate.

Or just the center of town? Do you have a pen?

- Maybe I should... - Bear me, Theseus,

for I am the mighty Minotaur!

This cocoon has witnessed your sins

and she seeks vengeance.

The cocoon will punish the wicked.

The cocoon will reward the righteous.

You must escape from her grasp.

You must earn your freedom!

Dude, I really don't have time.

How much do you want to live?

Looks like we're up for the same arch.

- I'm the Intangible Fancy. - Torrid.

Fire theme. Lucky duck.

Lots of costume options with a fire theme.

Guys like me, we can't even wear costumes.

Do you have?

Genitals? Not anymore.

- Why, isn't that Dr. Venture's lab? - Yes. I believe it is.

Save my place in the queue.

There's something I feel I must do.

Something... torrid.

Well, we'll keep your resume on file

and we'll get back to you.

Okay. Thanks for your time.

Wait. I have a question. What? What is that on your head?

- That like a rudder? - Yeah. Right.

What, do you steer with your head or something? That's just dumb.

Comes out like easy cheese.

Got to get back on the benzoyl-peroxide train.

Don't bother to knock or anything.

Bloody hell!

Dean!

Dude, you said you had leather costumes.

The pads are leather. Leatherlike.

Where did you get these things and why is there a bowl on my helmet?

Yeah. I was on Family Double Dare Totally swiped it.

Yeah. Well, that makes me feel better about all the stains.

Yeah. That's gak. You know, physical challenge?

- All right. Let's do this. Ready? - Thank God!

A guy can only wear a jet pack for so long without using it.

Dude! My shoe's on fire!

I just lit my shoes on fire!

Wait up!

It's not working!

Hold on! Time!

Yes. I only hunt Blackulas.

So you only hunt African-American vampires.

No. Sometimes I hunt British vampires.

They don't have African-Americans in England.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Good point.

- So I hunt Blackulas. - I was just trying to be...

I specialize in hunting black vampires. I don't know what the PC name for that is.

Is that a mask?

Oh, my God, I was just gonna ask that!

What a fascinating puritan you are, Lady Windermere.

The adjective was unnecessary, Lord Darlington.

I couldn't help it.

I can resist everything except temptation.

You have the modern affectation of weakness.

It's only an affectation, Lady Win... Winder... Windermere.

Hank, come on. Enter the Duchess of Berwick!

I'm in the bathroom, and you got to get in here.

It smells like gunpowder throw-up poo-poo eggs.

Oh, that's my exit. Dean, you owe me one.

Triana, you feel like playing Lord whatever-the-hell?

No, not really.

Brock, you can't go. You're also Lady Agatha.

No, Dean. For serious, come smell this already!

Okay, Curse. Was it Curse or Chris?

Curse. We can use magic, right?

That's kind of my bag.

- Of course. - Absolutely.

- Bring it on. - Magic is a plus.

On three, we give him the old Rochambeau.

Rock, paper, scissors?

What does a general from the American Revolution have to do with this?

American Revolution? "Rochambeau" sounds French to me.

Well, yes. The Franco-American forces...

They fought with Spaghetti-Os and meatballs?

Why would a company called "Franco-American" make Italian food?

Dijnam stopeus.

O spiritus sancti.

Yeah.

Okay, gentlemen. That ruled.

- Was that the Rochambeau? - No.

It really should be!

But which door to choose?

That one could have fun, surprises, and a year's supply of turtle wax behind it.

Or the polar bear from Lost.

Probably not the best idea, Doc.

You said everything is running itself over there.

Don't you remember telling me that nobody cares about my walking eye?

Well, I didn't mean for you to take it outside.

- Needs air. - All right. Watch your head.

What's up with your outfit? Did you have an away game?

Helping Dean put on the worst version

of Lady Windermere's Fan to impress Triana.

Said it was your idea.

Hardly. I was trying to tell him about the birds and the bees.

Yeah. How did that work out for you?

He staged Lady Windermere's Fan.

You should see a doctor! It smells like you pounded garbage into your butt.

Knock it off! We have a mystery in our bathroom.

Query. Can flames come out of a toilet?

- Hank, if you did this... - I didn't.

Dude, if I did this, I would tell you. I would be, like, almost proud of this.

You guys have been in there for, like, an hour.

What are you doing in th...

Hank, what is wrong with you?

Right? It smells like a Bible story in here.

Did my grandpa teach you to crap?

We should get Brock.

Every time there's a super cool mystery to solve,

you go get a grownup. Lame!

Thank you, Brock.

Thanks for helping me with the walking eye.

Look at this walking eye.

It's filthy. Guess I should wash off my...

walking eye.

- Well, just retrace your steps. - Yeah. Retrace your...

Man, she is good.

I was standing out here...

and I think somebody was on the toilet.

Then I opened the door.

Hey!

- Dude, I killed your girlfriend! - She's my girlfriend?

Probably, before I killed her.

Why is he doing this?

"Down, still unceasingly, still inevitably down!

Still I quivered in every nerve

to think how slight a sinking of the machinery

would precipitate the keen, glistening axe upon my bosom."

I could chase that around. Oh, yeah.

Team of three, impressive resume, you seem perfect.

But I can't stop thinking that I know you, Miss...

- Au Pair. It's Lady Au Pair. - Goodness Gracious.

- Oh, my... - Feminine.

And these are my Murderous Moppets and you don't know me.

That's a voice! Do you smoke cigarettes or do you eat them?

Oh, forget it. All right. I'm... Goodbye.

Anybody want a moppet?

- We have to get Dr. O. - Yeah. Good plan.

"Oh, hey, 'sup, Dr. O?

So, yeah, we... accidentally killed Triana."

Come on, Dean. We have to do this.

You're right. List our clues again.

One, goth chick catches fire and disappears.

Two, no smoldering body beating "kill me, kill me" in Morse code

- with what is left of her head. - Stop it!

Three, the smell of a dumpster full of burning diapers.

- And four... - Wait a minute.

Run the shower and only the hot.

- Just as I thought! - You're a genius.

- It's Triana's handwriting. - How can you tell?

She dotted her "I" with a big circle. That's a total chick move.

It says, "I'm in the torrid zone. Tell my feather."

We have to find her feather!

Give it up already. You could take a bus.

Dude, Jet Boy and Jet Girl do not take buses.

Last time, we are not Jet Boy and Jet Girl.

I don't care if I get to be Jet Boy. Those names suck.

But it's a French song, street cred with the indie crowd.

The Damned do a cover of it.

Then we should be The Damned. That is a way cooler name.

You may sit down, if you would be more comfort...

I shall stand. Sitting is for the weak and feeble.

I like this guy. He's all full of...

- What? I feel like standing. - ...full of beans...

- I happen to have back pain. - ...and ants, fire ants.

So, what kind of... menace do you think you could offer the Order of the Triad?

- I've kidnapped your daughter. - Balls, brass balls.

You kidnapped my pumpkin!

- We have a winner. - The guy is not even a Blackula.

Right. That eye is crawling with villains.

Yeah. They gave up on Orpheus and his little kaffeeklatsch.

Oh, they know a real archrival when they see one.

- You want a sandwich? - No. I ate already.

You... want me to rescue it or something, pull them off it?

There's Guild Security out there shooting foam at them.

Between you and me, the stupid thing hardly worked, anyway.

But when word of this gets out, business will pick right up.

Well, I'm gonna go out there and get some of that action.

- Don't you want to change? - No way.

I love wearing a tux when I kill guys. Makes you kind of feel like James Bond.

So, who's the lucky winner?

A fetid little firebrand named Torrid.

Yeah. The son of a bitch kidnapped his daughter to the torrid zone.

Torrid zone. So butch!

- I solved that mystery. - Yes, you did.

You see, the torrid zone is merely the area between

the Tropic of Cancer and the Tropic of Capricorn.

I own an island there in the Great Barrier Reef.

So, Triana is safe on Orpheus Island,

sunning herself in a bikini

and oiling her ski... her skin down in her bikini.

Dude, what the? What are you doing up there?

Okay. Time to get off my shoulders.

I just want to commend you... on accepting Hank for who he really is.

Let's show Mr. Venture our thing.

The Order of the Triad, go!

Get out of my kitchen.

We can still do this, Jet Boy.

I can't hear you because I hate you.

You coming, Jet Girl?

No! No! Not again!

I can't believe that whore stole my stanza.

I can't believe that whore made it through the Lake of Acid.

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