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Last week on... The Venture Brothers

Part one of Escape to the House of Mummies

Created by Tim, the self-created.

Hatched by the same egg from which emerged raw.

Behold the Perfect Man!

Praise ye who will reign over all.

That's very impressive. It looks like he hates his foot.

Still, he's been doing that all day.

You boys have to get Caligula and Dr. Freud back to the time machine.

Don't let him ask about me.

- Will do! - Wait! Where's the Hand of Osiris?

We told the Caligula guy to hide it.

Oh, dear Lord.

No, no. Just drop it there. I'll get it later.

I command you to release them!

Drop to your knees, you ignorant savages!

I am your giant four-armed god!

And I make light from one of my two slightly smaller hands!

It's just a flashlight! Kill them!

Dean, stop riding the Perfect Man. Brock has to kill him now.

- Can't we keep him? - Yeah, Dad, can't we?

We'll feed the Perfect Man and clean up after him and everything.

Super swear. Please?

No. He's an abomination. Go ahead, Brock.

We have more bullets, you know. You got to stop doing that.

Yeah, I know. It just looks so cool.

Well, go get it.

Fine.

Give me the Hand of Osiris!

- Give me head. - You didn't just say that.

I absolutely did. What are you gonna do about it?

- But I'm about to kill your sons. - Join the club.

Bring them to the Hall of Sorrows!

And now, tonight's dramatic part two of The Venture Brothers, in...

Escape to the House of Mummies

Is anybody else not impressed by the Hall of Sorrows?

Yeah. It looks more like a basement than a hall.

Can you fit through there?

I can't get my shoulders in. I bet you could fit.

Great! Way to be useless, Dean.

When I was your age, all I did was crawl through holes.

Holes half that size, mind you.

If you want a job done right, I have to do it.

Boy adventurers, what do you need? A road map? It's simple!

Don't get shot by the enemy, stumble on the robot factory,

pull up a couple of rubber masks, and crawl through holes!

Is that sound what I think it is?

Oh, yeah. These guys are playing it by the book.

We need to come up with a plan fast.

I have an idea. You should call Dr. O! He's magic!

That is the fifth time you suggested that stupid idea.

We're not possessed, we're trapped.

I'll go back in that hole. I think better in holes.

That's all we got, Doc. You might as well try Hank's idea.

Will you listen to what you just said?

I know it sounds insane, but Hank has the only idea.

I would rather die than call that snake charmer for help.

- He'll never let me hear the end of it! - All right, boys, you heard your father.

We're all gonna die, so you might want to line up...

so that the spikes will pierce your brain or heart.

All right, let's start positioning ourselves. No fun bleeding to death.

All right, all right, all right, all right. Fine.

Dr. Orpheus, master of mysticism.

Orpheus, it's your landlord. We're trapped in a clich�.

Use your fake, impossible magic to get us out of here.

What? Mr. Venture... I don't think I can do that.

- Well, what can you do? - Let's see...

I could astral-project myself there?

That's it? Super! Yeah. Come on over and watch us die.

Spiked walls are closing in on us and you want to put on a puppet show.

Hold on a second. Hank, get off those spikes!

It's not a ride!

Spiked walls? How fast?

Slower than haunted house spiked walls,

but not quite as slow as evil scientist's spiked walls.

Good!

- Dean, can you hear me? - Yes!

Dean, picture my daughter naked.

- Think of her as yours. - Look, you lunatic,

stop worrying about inheriting my estate and get us out of here!

Venture family, you must trust me!

Dean, think only of my daughter kissing you.

Kissing you on the mouth.

Think harder, boy!

She's using her tongue!

There! I have located you!

- Didn't expect that. - All right.

I'm getting out of here before Dean wakes up crying.

I'll be back soon with expensive crap to get you all out of here.

Wake up!

Which one of you broke the Hall of Sorrows?

Don't know. Why? What was supposed to happen?

Those walls are supposed to crush you

and then scolding hot oil comes out of the jackal's mouth.

Sorry. We missed it.

Oh, yeah, of course! Oil! Yeah. Makes sense now.

Thought you told me to fill it with hot voil.

What? What the hell is voil?

It's a soft sheer fabric. I warmed some up in the dryer.

What the? Are you insane?! What kind of torture is that?

Get out of here! I'm serious. I don't even want to look at you anymore.

Believers these days! What happened to the annoying one?

- We ate him. - I'm losing my patience.

Wait. Hold on. I got a...

- Bless you. - Oh, great!

It's all full of spit now, and it smells like a wet cat.

Mr. Venture!

Are you in need of assistance?

It is I, Dr. Orpheus!

- Mr. Venture! - Lab. I'm in the lab. You windbag.

I was quite concerned for your well-being!

I have not slept a wink.

You're safe!

I am pleased that I could help.

Help schmelp. Brock and the boys are still trapped.

Probably dead by now.

- We must help them! - No, duh.

I have the zero point magnets somewhere

that'll take the pyramid walls down in a jiff.

- So, thanks for nothing. - Pyramid?

Yeah. We were trapped in a pyramid!

Some stupid cult made a time machine.

What pyramid cult?

I don't know. Papyrus, Osiris, something like that.

- You ever heard of him? - Osiris cult?!

Osiris?! Firstborn son of the womb of Nut,

begotten of Seb, the lord of a Akert,

whose existence is for everlasting!

Yes, I've heard of him. Do you even know what I do for a living?!

I don't know. Card tricks and children's birthday parties?

No, sir! You stand not on solid ground.

Below this earth you trust to be solid is a net.

This unknowable safety net keeps your soft pink insignificance

from plunging eternally towards oblivion!

My job, sir, is to repair that net!

Now thank me!

Thank you for saving me from the boogie man.

I saved your life from half-away around the globe.

Look, Kreskin, I have 20 devices in this lab that can do that.

I'm a super scientist.

My father was a super scientist, his father was a super scientist,

and his father was... No, wait. No, I think he was a milliner.

Either way, I'm not impressed with your tricks.

Tricks? How dare you?! With just a thought, I could rise into the air!

Or you could put on these anti-gravity boots.

I could incinerate this entire lab!

Make you believe that you are a very special episode of Blossom!

And shoot lightning from my hands!

Laser ray, mind control helmet, Tesla coil. Anything else?

Any time, any place. You name the contest.

We shall celebrate your inflated sense of self

with the ultimate contest!

Shrinking!

And I, like the Puss in Boots,

shall gobble you up

bones and all!

Fine! Eight o'clock tomorrow! Right here.

- Smallest man is the biggest man. - Fine!

- Good day, sir. - Good blah blah, sir.

And I wouldn't bother looking for that shrink ray your father built.

You sold it to the albino and his tiny companion. Ta-ta!

Crap.

Dean?

- Dean?! - I'm over here.

- What happened? - Yeah, Clarissa, explain it all.

That guy with the bird head, he has this mummy army.

And one of the mummies has a magic scepter.

Don't move, Hank!

- He's right behind you! - What?!

Him? That's just Mummy Mum Muggy. He's a good mummy, Deano.

Right? Muggy friend.

Muggy like his chin rubbed. Who's a good mummy?

Get your brother's head and follow me. There has to be a way out of here.

Muggy might know. Where's the exit? Tell us, boy.

This is getting stupid! Where the hell is your father?!

You that is tall, go to the small!

I command you by the intimate whispers of vulgary,

shrink!

Oh, come on!

No use crying over spilled magic.

Pumpkin, do you still have that dollhouse meemaw gave you?

No, no. You're thinking of Roger Lodge.

Joe Rogan is the host of Fear Factor... You're kidding me!

Bad news, Billy. Our place has been trashed.

- What? Holy cow! Great news! - Getting burglarized is great news?

Come on, White. This is clear evidence of an arson.

Our own archenemy. We have arrived.

I'm going to change into my Quizboy costume.

- He's still here. - All right, Nemesis.

Show yourself and you'll be spared a blast from my laser hand.

Dr. Venture? You're our archenemy?

It's industrial espionage! You've come to steal our great ideas.

- You've been foiled. We have none. - What the hell, Rust?

What kind of dick breaks into his friend's house?

I need that shrink ray I sold you.

Yeah. Don't call us and ask for it, just break into our home and steal it back.

I already apologized for that!

- When? - No, you didn't.

Man, I almost killed you with my hand.

Enough, Billy. Everybody knows your hand doesn't shoot lasers.

- What's this all about, Rust? - I bet that pompous loudmouth Orpheus

that I could shrink better with science than he could with magic.

Aren't you friends? I mean, I've seen him mowing your lawn.

- So, you break into our trailer? - Do you have it or not?

- Here it is. - What'd you do? Drive over it?

Don't look at me. Ask Captain Kid over there.

It didn't work!

So I thought maybe there was a treasure map or something stuck in...

Don't bother. I've been over this with him, like, a thousand times.

Well, you two have to help me fix it!

Rusty, you broke into our house and trashed it.

All right, fine. I'll pay you.

- That's all I needed to hear. - And I get paid for lunches, you know.

- Be gone, spirit. - Come on, Mr. Poe.

Just tell me where you put the Hand of Osiris and I'll let you go.

Basement. Under the floorboards.

I got to admit, I always wanted to get Edgar Allan Poe in a headlock.

That thing is like a pumpkin!

We just completely screwed up that guy's life with our time machine!

- You think we messed up the past? - I wouldn't worry about that.

I knew it!

Pumpkin, what are you doing in your room?

Shouldn't you be not in your room?

My whole life I've been afraid of that closet.

There's always these weird lights

and something that smells like a burning Band-Aid.

Brimstone. Okay, fine. Portal to the burning nowhere. You got me.

Dad, I thought I was going crazy! I mean, I'm still afraid of the closet. Still!

I wear the same thing every day because of that closet!

Well, how was I to know? Come now.

Archie and his indolent companion Jughead wear the same clothes every day.

I thought it was an adolescent phase of yours.

- Great! My closet is the door to hell. - The Necropolis!

A portal to the Necropolis. It had to be on the south side of the apartment.

And since you had to have a private bathroom...

Oh, this is never... Sleep!

In your sleep, all is forgotten.

Got it! Why didn't I think of that before?

I need more time. There's too many variables.

Okay. I'm done here. Much more difficult than I expected.

What have you guys come up with for, let's say, number two?

Number two? Rhea Perlman. What'd you put down?

Joyce DeWitt was number two. Number one, Bonnie Bedelia.

The mother from Die Hard?

The stone fox from A Mother's Right: The Elizabeth Morgan Story. Yes.

- What'd you put down? - I misunderstood the question.

- Give it here. - I was confused with the wording.

I'm serious! I didn't realize what you meant by "guilty pleasure."

Jeez, Billy. Oiled garbage bag? Sweat sock?

Oh, my God, number three. "Melon heated in a microwave."

That's very creative, Billy. I'm sure your mother is proud of you.

- Give me that, White. - Hilarious. Okay, let's get back to work.

- We're having fun here. - No, no. Fun is number five,

which simply states, "dust buster with corner attachment."

That sounds dangerous.

I didn't understand the question!

Hello?!

Master?!

Right on the nose.

You have no idea how much that stings.

- Master? - Yes.

Man! Right on the [bleep]-ing tip of my snout.

God! My eyes are watering. All six of them.

- So sorry, master! - All right.

I did not recognize you in your animal form.

So you shoot lightning at my face? Way to think it out, Orpheus.

No wonder you have no friends.

That's a bit harsh. I have many friends.

Name one, and Dr. Venture doesn't count.

Look, Orpheus, I know why you're here

and I chose the form of Argos to teach you a little lesson.

Don't you mean Cerberus? Correct me if I'm wrong,

abut Argos was Ulysses' dog. He had only one head.

See? There you go. Right there. That's what I'm talking about.

You're a know-it-all. And no one likes a...

Wait. Hold on a second.

I only know that I know nothing.

Way to quote something I said, like, a year ago.

But I'm serious. Hold on.

This other head likes to clean my genitals with his mouth.

I know it sounds weird.

I let him do it, 'cause it feels great. Oh, yeah.

The problem is I can taste it. So...

I taste my own genitals.

In my mouth.

It's... a conundrum.

Master, what bearing does this?

Would you let me enjoy this?

Damn, don't you know how good this feels?! Wait. I'm sorry.

Your wife left you because you don't know how good this feels!

My wife left me because of the persistent advances of a younger man!

No. She left you because you spent most of your time working.

Well, yes. I was saving the world from a secret peril!

And your precious free time was spent, like, Mr. Rogers in a cape.

She left you because you're a wussy!

- There's Dad! - Well, it's about damn time.

- Looks like he's been captured again. - And there's your body, Deano!

It has an extra head on it. Oh, no! They captured me, too.

Hank, what year did you set the time machine to?

The year 1230 A.D.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that you set it to 12:30 a.m.

I've done it again.

All right. She's ready to test. Who is the guinea pig?

I'm an albino. I can't even go to the beach without exploding.

No way I'm standing in front of an anything-ray.

Single parent. Those boys need me. I am their rock.

Don't look at me! I have not lived enough,

for I have never tasted the flower of a woman.

What do you mean?

"Tasted a flower?" Is that a direct metaphor?

'Cause I don't take many trips down south myself.

You guys are disgusting.

No, I mean I haven't sampled the fruits of the fairer sex.

What's with the poetry, Wordsworth? Just say it! Say, "I am a virgin."

I knew it!

That makes you the best candidate to take a ray blast.

You have nothing to lose. You've never done anything.

The way I look at it, it's not even murder. It's a very late abortion.

Wait! Give me 24 hours to experience love.

Let me know the gentle caress of a woman, let me sleep in the shade of love's bow.

I will return to you. I will return knowing the sweet taste...

- I vote Billy. - Seconded.

All right, virgin. Get on the target.

Oh, get behind the ear. Oh, yeah, that rules.

You really think she doesn't respect me?

How can she respect you

when she sees you get treated like dirt by Dr. Venture?

And then you let her stay out all night partying.

Party?! My daughter drinks? She told me her friends do, but she...

Man, you are such a sucker!

Look at the leg. Look at the back leg. There's nothing I can do about it.

It just keeps kicking. Is that amazing?

Well, at least you hit him this time. Anything happen?

No. Nothing. Told you the phosphates were too old.

It worked.

You shrank my lungs.

Rusty! Oh, man!

What? I can't breathe over here.

It's gonna get worse. You remember that sound my chair made a second ago?

That wasn't the chair.

It'll be there in a minute, Billy. Think deviled eggs.

I hate you guys.

Hank, you and Caligula keep up the rear.

No. On second thought, you and Freud should do it.

Caligula, you take the second wave alone.

Ready, Dean?

Steady, Perfect Man! Ready, Brock!

When the gates open, me, Poe, and me, rush in.

You got that?

- You'll kill him when he shows up, right? - You know it.

Charge!

- My ear! - Sorry.

- What happened? - We shrank your head.

- I told you we should've mounted it. - Nice shot, William Burroughs.

You hold a gun like a guy that plays Riven. Now switch to reverse and fix me!

White, are you even aiming?

Do you want me to go in the backyard and shrink some cans or something first?

I've never done this before, you know.

Fix me. Put it in reverse and fix me!

All right, Billy, you need to relax.

Nice. You shrank the whole room.

- I got to get a camera. - You look like Tobey Maguire

in a bad Hulk costume.

I need a mirror.

I am a rube.

I have been fooling myself my whole life.

- Makes you feel pretty small, huh? - I am an insect.

Look at that.

We are nothing in the eyes of the cosmos. Tiny men going about our tiny days

believing we mean something.

We are nothing.

Orpheus, you are my best and brightest pupil,

even if you do taste a little salty.

You're ready, Orpheus. Now, get the hell out of this closet

and go win that incredibly gay contest! Go! Go!

Are you sure this was the size of my head before?

Positive. What if we cross circuit the accelerator?

Might give us more... ohms or something?

Give up, White. I lose. It's eight o'clock.

Come on. You're Rusty Venture!

- Never say die. - Die. I said it.

Forget it. I'm not my dad!

I can't even fix something that he invented!

I was a good boy adventurer, but I suck at this.

You weren't a good boy adventurer. You were the best.

- Hold on. Let me show you something. - Hello? Mr. Venture?

Lab!

- You win. - What?

I cannot make myself any smaller than I am now.

- You win. - Knew it, you charlatan!

How much was the bet for? A million dollars, right?

Nothing. It was a gentleman's bet. How small did you get?

Me? It never worked right. Complete waste of time.

If you'd kept your mouth shut, you would've won the gentleman.

- Snacks! - Good call, Billy, I'm starved over here.

No. Dr. Venture. Look at the box.

I haven't seen one of those in years.

A Rusty Venture lunchbox.

Not the one I had when I was a kid. This one I got on eBay.

I can't use the thermos because it smells like old milk...

plus some kid put Thundercats stickers all over it.

- Why do you have one of these? - Can't you see, Mr. Venture?

You were the little boy-man's hero.

You were the reason I became a boy genius.

Yeah, Rust. Every kid wanted to be you.

Yeah. I was pretty cool.

That's me on the pterodactyl. Took him down myself.

Yes. You were pretty cool.

Let us retire to my sitting room!

I shall whip up a batch of my famous rice pudding!

I feel like we have forgotten to do something.

Oh, my God. You're right!

I forgot to turn off the lights.

Next week on... The Venture Brothers

I can't make it.

I want to die.

I want the caveman to eat me.

Hang on, Hank! Cut him open!

We're gonna put the boy in there!

I thought he smelled bad

on the outside.

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