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Last week on...
The Venture Brothers
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Part one of
Escape to the House of Mummies
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00:00:09,042 --> 00:00:12,045
Created by Tim,
the self-created.
4
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Hatched by the same egg
from which emerged raw.
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Behold the Perfect Man!
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00:00:18,585 --> 00:00:21,789
Praise ye who will reign over all.
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That's very impressive.
It looks like he hates his foot.
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00:00:24,958 --> 00:00:27,728
Still, he's been doing that all day.
9
00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:31,865
You boys have to get Caligula
and Dr. Freud back to the time machine.
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00:00:32,065 --> 00:00:33,133
Don't let him ask about me.
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00:00:33,333 --> 00:00:36,236
- Will do!
- Wait! Where's the Hand of Osiris?
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00:00:36,336 --> 00:00:38,105
We told the Caligula guy to hide it.
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Oh, dear Lord.
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00:00:43,177 --> 00:00:46,814
No, no. Just drop it there.
I'll get it later.
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00:00:48,749 --> 00:00:51,218
I command you to release them!
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00:00:51,418 --> 00:00:54,855
Drop to your knees,
you ignorant savages!
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I am your giant four-armed god!
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And I make light from one of my two
slightly smaller hands!
19
00:01:03,130 --> 00:01:05,766
It's just a flashlight!
Kill them!
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00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:14,441
Dean, stop riding the Perfect Man.
Brock has to kill him now.
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- Can't we keep him?
- Yeah, Dad, can't we?
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00:01:17,277 --> 00:01:20,314
We'll feed the Perfect Man
and clean up after him and everything.
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Super swear. Please?
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No. He's an abomination.
Go ahead, Brock.
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We have more bullets, you know.
You got to stop doing that.
26
00:01:38,498 --> 00:01:40,834
Yeah, I know.
It just looks so cool.
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Well, go get it.
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Fine.
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00:01:45,038 --> 00:01:47,608
Give me the Hand of Osiris!
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- Give me head.
- You didn't just say that.
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I absolutely did.
What are you gonna do about it?
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- But I'm about to kill your sons.
- Join the club.
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Bring them to the Hall of Sorrows!
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00:01:57,837 --> 00:02:03,824
And now, tonight's dramatic part two
of The Venture Brothers, in...
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Escape to the House of Mummies
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Is anybody else not impressed
by the Hall of Sorrows?
37
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Yeah. It looks more like
a basement than a hall.
38
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Can you fit through there?
39
00:02:39,226 --> 00:02:41,695
I can't get my shoulders in.
I bet you could fit.
40
00:02:41,895 --> 00:02:43,664
Great!
Way to be useless, Dean.
41
00:02:43,864 --> 00:02:46,266
When I was your age,
all I did was crawl through holes.
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Holes half that size, mind you.
43
00:02:48,402 --> 00:02:51,672
If you want a job done right,
I have to do it.
44
00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:54,975
Boy adventurers, what do you need?
A road map? It's simple!
45
00:02:55,042 --> 00:02:57,878
Don't get shot by the enemy,
stumble on the robot factory,
46
00:02:57,978 --> 00:03:00,914
pull up a couple of rubber masks,
and crawl through holes!
47
00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,550
Is that sound what I think it is?
48
00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:06,653
Oh, yeah. These guys
are playing it by the book.
49
00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:08,588
We need to come up with a plan fast.
50
00:03:08,789 --> 00:03:11,591
I have an idea.
You should call Dr. O! He's magic!
51
00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:14,895
That is the fifth time
you suggested that stupid idea.
52
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We're not possessed, we're trapped.
53
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:19,533
I'll go back in that hole.
I think better in holes.
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00:03:19,766 --> 00:03:22,669
That's all we got, Doc.
You might as well try Hank's idea.
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00:03:22,769 --> 00:03:24,538
Will you listen to what you just said?
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00:03:24,604 --> 00:03:28,675
I know it sounds insane,
but Hank has the only idea.
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00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:31,845
I would rather die
than call that snake charmer for help.
58
00:03:31,912 --> 00:03:34,815
- He'll never let me hear the end of it!
- All right, boys, you heard your father.
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00:03:34,915 --> 00:03:37,551
We're all gonna die,
so you might want to line up...
60
00:03:37,684 --> 00:03:40,120
so that the spikes
will pierce your brain or heart.
61
00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:43,890
All right, let's start positioning ourselves.
No fun bleeding to death.
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00:03:44,091 --> 00:03:46,560
All right, all right,
all right, all right. Fine.
63
00:03:48,128 --> 00:03:50,797
Dr. Orpheus,
master of mysticism.
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00:03:50,864 --> 00:03:54,067
Orpheus, it's your landlord.
We're trapped in a clich�.
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00:03:54,301 --> 00:03:56,803
Use your fake, impossible magic
to get us out of here.
66
00:03:56,870 --> 00:04:00,440
What? Mr. Venture...
I don't think I can do that.
67
00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:02,909
- Well, what can you do?
- Let's see...
68
00:04:03,010 --> 00:04:05,679
I could astral-project myself there?
69
00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:08,949
That's it? Super! Yeah.
Come on over and watch us die.
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00:04:09,182 --> 00:04:12,486
Spiked walls are closing in on us
and you want to put on a puppet show.
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00:04:12,619 --> 00:04:15,555
Hold on a second.
Hank, get off those spikes!
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It's not a ride!
73
00:04:17,491 --> 00:04:19,493
Spiked walls? How fast?
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00:04:19,659 --> 00:04:21,928
Slower than haunted house spiked walls,
75
00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:24,831
but not quite as slow
as evil scientist's spiked walls.
76
00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:25,966
Good!
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00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:28,402
- Dean, can you hear me?
- Yes!
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00:04:28,568 --> 00:04:31,505
Dean, picture my daughter naked.
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00:04:31,905 --> 00:04:34,041
- Think of her as yours.
- Look, you lunatic,
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00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:36,343
stop worrying about inheriting my estate
and get us out of here!
81
00:04:36,543 --> 00:04:38,812
Venture family, you must trust me!
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00:04:39,046 --> 00:04:41,615
Dean, think only
of my daughter kissing you.
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Kissing you on the mouth.
84
00:04:43,650 --> 00:04:44,885
Think harder, boy!
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00:04:45,085 --> 00:04:47,621
She's using her tongue!
86
00:04:48,355 --> 00:04:51,124
There! I have located you!
87
00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:10,510
- Didn't expect that.
- All right.
88
00:05:10,577 --> 00:05:12,979
I'm getting out of here
before Dean wakes up crying.
89
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:16,450
I'll be back soon with expensive crap
to get you all out of here.
90
00:05:28,261 --> 00:05:29,563
Wake up!
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00:05:29,763 --> 00:05:32,265
Which one of you
broke the Hall of Sorrows?
92
00:05:32,432 --> 00:05:34,434
Don't know. Why?
What was supposed to happen?
93
00:05:34,634 --> 00:05:36,837
Those walls are supposed to crush you
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00:05:36,903 --> 00:05:39,940
and then scolding hot oil
comes out of the jackal's mouth.
95
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,541
Sorry. We missed it.
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00:05:41,741 --> 00:05:45,178
Oh, yeah, of course! Oil!
Yeah. Makes sense now.
97
00:05:45,278 --> 00:05:47,447
Thought you told me
to fill it with hot voil.
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00:05:47,647 --> 00:05:50,117
What? What the hell is voil?
99
00:05:50,283 --> 00:05:53,386
It's a soft sheer fabric.
I warmed some up in the dryer.
100
00:05:53,453 --> 00:05:56,256
What the? Are you insane?!
What kind of torture is that?
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00:05:56,490 --> 00:06:00,694
Get out of here! I'm serious.
I don't even want to look at you anymore.
102
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Believers these days!
What happened to the annoying one?
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- We ate him.
- I'm losing my patience.
104
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:12,038
Wait. Hold on. I got a...
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00:06:14,341 --> 00:06:15,876
- Bless you.
- Oh, great!
106
00:06:15,942 --> 00:06:19,212
It's all full of spit now,
and it smells like a wet cat.
107
00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:21,715
Mr. Venture!
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00:06:21,915 --> 00:06:23,884
Are you in need of assistance?
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00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:26,686
It is I, Dr. Orpheus!
110
00:06:26,987 --> 00:06:30,090
- Mr. Venture!
- Lab. I'm in the lab. You windbag.
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00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:32,292
I was quite concerned
for your well-being!
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00:06:32,359 --> 00:06:34,227
I have not slept a wink.
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00:06:34,461 --> 00:06:35,762
You're safe!
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00:06:36,029 --> 00:06:38,031
I am pleased that I could help.
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00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:40,233
Help schmelp.
Brock and the boys are still trapped.
116
00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:41,535
Probably dead by now.
117
00:06:41,627 --> 00:06:43,295
- We must help them!
- No, duh.
118
00:06:43,436 --> 00:06:45,238
I have the zero point
magnets somewhere
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00:06:45,305 --> 00:06:47,174
that'll take the pyramid
walls down in a jiff.
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00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,742
- So, thanks for nothing.
- Pyramid?
121
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,744
Yeah. We were trapped
in a pyramid!
122
00:06:50,810 --> 00:06:53,013
Some stupid cult
made a time machine.
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00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:54,848
What pyramid cult?
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00:06:55,048 --> 00:06:57,751
I don't know.
Papyrus, Osiris, something like that.
125
00:06:57,984 --> 00:06:59,986
- You ever heard of him?
- Osiris cult?!
126
00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:03,356
Osiris?! Firstborn son
of the womb of Nut,
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00:07:03,557 --> 00:07:05,992
begotten of Seb,
the lord of a Akert,
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00:07:06,159 --> 00:07:08,528
whose existence is for everlasting!
129
00:07:08,628 --> 00:07:12,299
Yes, I've heard of him.
Do you even know what I do for a living?!
130
00:07:12,499 --> 00:07:15,168
I don't know. Card tricks
and children's birthday parties?
131
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:18,672
No, sir! You stand not on solid ground.
132
00:07:18,838 --> 00:07:22,442
Below this earth
you trust to be solid is a net.
133
00:07:22,509 --> 00:07:26,246
This unknowable safety net
keeps your soft pink insignificance
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00:07:26,313 --> 00:07:29,182
from plunging eternally towards oblivion!
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00:07:29,416 --> 00:07:33,687
My job, sir, is to repair that net!
136
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,855
Now thank me!
137
00:07:36,022 --> 00:07:37,757
Thank you for saving me
from the boogie man.
138
00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:40,360
I saved your life
from half-away around the globe.
139
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:43,697
Look, Kreskin, I have 20 devices
in this lab that can do that.
140
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,332
I'm a super scientist.
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00:07:45,432 --> 00:07:49,102
My father was a super scientist,
his father was a super scientist,
142
00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:52,038
and his father was... No, wait.
No, I think he was a milliner.
143
00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:54,140
Either way, I'm not impressed
with your tricks.
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00:07:54,407 --> 00:07:58,912
Tricks? How dare you?!
With just a thought, I could rise into the air!
145
00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:01,214
Or you could put on
these anti-gravity boots.
146
00:08:01,381 --> 00:08:03,750
I could incinerate this entire lab!
147
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:07,587
Make you believe that you are
a very special episode of Blossom!
148
00:08:07,787 --> 00:08:10,724
And shoot lightning from my hands!
149
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:15,729
Laser ray, mind control helmet,
Tesla coil. Anything else?
150
00:08:21,601 --> 00:08:24,871
Any time, any place.
You name the contest.
151
00:08:25,071 --> 00:08:28,441
We shall celebrate
your inflated sense of self
152
00:08:28,541 --> 00:08:30,777
with the ultimate contest!
153
00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:32,078
Shrinking!
154
00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:35,015
And I, like the Puss in Boots,
155
00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:36,549
shall gobble you up
156
00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:38,184
bones and all!
157
00:08:38,285 --> 00:08:40,920
Fine! Eight o'clock tomorrow!
Right here.
158
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:43,923
- Smallest man is the biggest man.
- Fine!
159
00:08:44,124 --> 00:08:46,726
- Good day, sir.
- Good blah blah, sir.
160
00:08:46,926 --> 00:08:50,330
And I wouldn't bother looking
for that shrink ray your father built.
161
00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:53,767
You sold it to the albino
and his tiny companion. Ta-ta!
162
00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:55,435
Crap.
163
00:08:55,635 --> 00:08:56,970
Dean?
164
00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:59,673
- Dean?!
- I'm over here.
165
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:03,476
- What happened?
- Yeah, Clarissa, explain it all.
166
00:09:03,576 --> 00:09:06,079
That guy with the bird head,
he has this mummy army.
167
00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:08,515
And one of the mummies
has a magic scepter.
168
00:09:08,615 --> 00:09:09,716
Don't move, Hank!
169
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,818
- He's right behind you!
- What?!
170
00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:17,791
Him? That's just Mummy Mum Muggy.
He's a good mummy, Deano.
171
00:09:18,024 --> 00:09:20,293
Right? Muggy friend.
172
00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:23,296
Muggy like his chin rubbed.
Who's a good mummy?
173
00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:27,000
Get your brother's head and follow me.
There has to be a way out of here.
174
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:30,570
Muggy might know.
Where's the exit? Tell us, boy.
175
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:35,141
This is getting stupid!
Where the hell is your father?!
176
00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:39,179
You that is tall, go to the small!
177
00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:43,917
I command you
by the intimate whispers of vulgary,
178
00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:46,619
shrink!
179
00:09:46,886 --> 00:09:48,555
Oh, come on!
180
00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:54,327
No use crying over spilled magic.
181
00:09:54,561 --> 00:09:57,797
Pumpkin, do you still have
that dollhouse meemaw gave you?
182
00:09:57,997 --> 00:10:00,266
No, no.
You're thinking of Roger Lodge.
183
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:04,704
Joe Rogan is the host of Fear Factor...
You're kidding me!
184
00:10:04,871 --> 00:10:08,108
Bad news, Billy.
Our place has been trashed.
185
00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:12,178
- What? Holy cow! Great news!
- Getting burglarized is great news?
186
00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:14,781
Come on, White.
This is clear evidence of an arson.
187
00:10:15,882 --> 00:10:19,452
Our own archenemy.
We have arrived.
188
00:10:19,753 --> 00:10:22,188
I'm going to change
into my Quizboy costume.
189
00:10:22,389 --> 00:10:24,591
- He's still here.
- All right, Nemesis.
190
00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:27,627
Show yourself and you'll be spared
a blast from my laser hand.
191
00:10:29,662 --> 00:10:32,365
Dr. Venture?
You're our archenemy?
192
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:39,873
It's industrial espionage!
You've come to steal our great ideas.
193
00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:42,909
- You've been foiled. We have none.
- What the hell, Rust?
194
00:10:43,009 --> 00:10:46,079
What kind of dick
breaks into his friend's house?
195
00:10:46,179 --> 00:10:48,181
I need that shrink ray
I sold you.
196
00:10:48,381 --> 00:10:51,384
Yeah. Don't call us and ask for it, just
break into our home and steal it back.
197
00:10:51,618 --> 00:10:53,253
I already apologized for that!
198
00:10:53,453 --> 00:10:54,654
- When?
- No, you didn't.
199
00:10:54,754 --> 00:10:56,589
Man, I almost killed you
with my hand.
200
00:10:56,656 --> 00:11:00,059
Enough, Billy. Everybody knows
your hand doesn't shoot lasers.
201
00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:03,630
- What's this all about, Rust?
- I bet that pompous loudmouth Orpheus
202
00:11:03,730 --> 00:11:07,000
that I could shrink better with science
than he could with magic.
203
00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:09,903
Aren't you friends?
I mean, I've seen him mowing your lawn.
204
00:11:10,069 --> 00:11:12,472
- So, you break into our trailer?
- Do you have it or not?
205
00:11:12,572 --> 00:11:15,708
- Here it is.
- What'd you do? Drive over it?
206
00:11:15,902 --> 00:11:17,544
Don't look at me.
Ask Captain Kid over there.
207
00:11:17,644 --> 00:11:18,812
It didn't work!
208
00:11:18,878 --> 00:11:21,481
So I thought maybe there was
a treasure map or something stuck in...
209
00:11:21,648 --> 00:11:24,451
Don't bother. I've been over this
with him, like, a thousand times.
210
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,286
Well, you two have to help me fix it!
211
00:11:26,486 --> 00:11:28,555
Rusty, you broke into our house
and trashed it.
212
00:11:28,621 --> 00:11:31,024
All right, fine. I'll pay you.
213
00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:33,760
- That's all I needed to hear.
- And I get paid for lunches, you know.
214
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,496
- Be gone, spirit.
- Come on, Mr. Poe.
215
00:11:36,663 --> 00:11:39,666
Just tell me where you put
the Hand of Osiris and I'll let you go.
216
00:11:39,799 --> 00:11:42,035
Basement.
Under the floorboards.
217
00:11:43,603 --> 00:11:46,773
I got to admit, I always wanted
to get Edgar Allan Poe in a headlock.
218
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,842
That thing is like a pumpkin!
219
00:11:49,008 --> 00:11:52,212
We just completely screwed up
that guy's life with our time machine!
220
00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:56,049
- You think we messed up the past?
- I wouldn't worry about that.
221
00:12:01,494 --> 00:12:02,622
I knew it!
222
00:12:02,856 --> 00:12:06,259
Pumpkin, what are you doing
in your room?
223
00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:08,394
Shouldn't you be not in your room?
224
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:10,930
My whole life I've been
afraid of that closet.
225
00:12:11,030 --> 00:12:12,832
There's always these weird lights
226
00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:15,201
and something that smells
like a burning Band-Aid.
227
00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:19,172
Brimstone. Okay, fine. Portal to
the burning nowhere. You got me.
228
00:12:19,372 --> 00:12:24,444
Dad, I thought I was going crazy!
I mean, I'm still afraid of the closet. Still!
229
00:12:24,544 --> 00:12:27,580
I wear the same thing every day
because of that closet!
230
00:12:27,814 --> 00:12:30,049
Well, how was I to know?
Come now.
231
00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:34,320
Archie and his indolent companion
Jughead wear the same clothes every day.
232
00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:36,456
I thought it was
an adolescent phase of yours.
233
00:12:36,656 --> 00:12:39,225
- Great! My closet is the door to hell.
- The Necropolis!
234
00:12:39,359 --> 00:12:43,696
A portal to the Necropolis. It had to be
on the south side of the apartment.
235
00:12:43,830 --> 00:12:46,533
And since you had to have
a private bathroom...
236
00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:49,736
Oh, this is never... Sleep!
237
00:12:50,203 --> 00:12:53,306
In your sleep, all is forgotten.
238
00:13:06,152 --> 00:13:08,221
Got it!
Why didn't I think of that before?
239
00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:10,290
I need more time.
There's too many variables.
240
00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:13,159
Okay. I'm done here.
Much more difficult than I expected.
241
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:16,829
What have you guys come up with
for, let's say, number two?
242
00:13:17,063 --> 00:13:19,732
Number two? Rhea Perlman.
What'd you put down?
243
00:13:19,899 --> 00:13:24,070
Joyce DeWitt was number two.
Number one, Bonnie Bedelia.
244
00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:25,505
The mother from Die Hard?
245
00:13:25,672 --> 00:13:29,375
The stone fox from A Mother's Right: The Elizabeth Morgan Story. Yes.
246
00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:31,644
- What'd you put down?
- I misunderstood the question.
247
00:13:31,844 --> 00:13:34,514
- Give it here.
- I was confused with the wording.
248
00:13:34,714 --> 00:13:37,317
I'm serious! I didn't realize
what you meant by "guilty pleasure."
249
00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:41,487
Jeez, Billy.
Oiled garbage bag? Sweat sock?
250
00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:44,824
Oh, my God, number three.
"Melon heated in a microwave."
251
00:13:45,024 --> 00:13:48,261
That's very creative, Billy.
I'm sure your mother is proud of you.
252
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:51,664
- Give me that, White.
- Hilarious. Okay, let's get back to work.
253
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:55,034
- We're having fun here.
- No, no. Fun is number five,
254
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:59,038
which simply states,
"dust buster with corner attachment."
255
00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:00,740
That sounds dangerous.
256
00:14:00,940 --> 00:14:02,642
I didn't understand the question!
257
00:14:04,310 --> 00:14:05,645
Hello?!
258
00:14:05,945 --> 00:14:07,380
Master?!
259
00:14:12,494 --> 00:14:14,129
Right on the nose.
260
00:14:14,721 --> 00:14:16,623
You have no idea
how much that stings.
261
00:14:16,923 --> 00:14:18,257
- Master?
- Yes.
262
00:14:18,324 --> 00:14:20,693
Man! Right on the
[bleep]-ing tip of my snout.
263
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:24,097
God! My eyes are watering.
All six of them.
264
00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:26,199
- So sorry, master!
- All right.
265
00:14:26,332 --> 00:14:28,735
I did not recognize you
in your animal form.
266
00:14:28,935 --> 00:14:32,005
So you shoot lightning at my face?
Way to think it out, Orpheus.
267
00:14:32,105 --> 00:14:33,406
No wonder you have no friends.
268
00:14:33,606 --> 00:14:35,642
That's a bit harsh.
I have many friends.
269
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:38,778
Name one,
and Dr. Venture doesn't count.
270
00:14:39,012 --> 00:14:41,014
Look, Orpheus,
I know why you're here
271
00:14:41,147 --> 00:14:43,950
and I chose the form of Argos
to teach you a little lesson.
272
00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:46,753
Don't you mean Cerberus?
Correct me if I'm wrong,
273
00:14:46,853 --> 00:14:49,589
abut Argos was Ulysses' dog.
He had only one head.
274
00:14:49,789 --> 00:14:52,759
See? There you go. Right there.
That's what I'm talking about.
275
00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:54,861
You're a know-it-all.
And no one likes a...
276
00:14:54,927 --> 00:14:56,462
Wait.
Hold on a second.
277
00:14:56,529 --> 00:14:58,131
I only know that I know nothing.
278
00:14:58,264 --> 00:15:00,600
Way to quote something
I said, like, a year ago.
279
00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:02,101
But I'm serious. Hold on.
280
00:15:02,201 --> 00:15:04,804
This other head
likes to clean my genitals with his mouth.
281
00:15:04,871 --> 00:15:06,305
I know it sounds weird.
282
00:15:06,372 --> 00:15:09,709
I let him do it,
'cause it feels great. Oh, yeah.
283
00:15:09,809 --> 00:15:12,979
The problem is I can taste it. So...
284
00:15:13,179 --> 00:15:15,114
I taste my own genitals.
285
00:15:15,214 --> 00:15:17,016
In my mouth.
286
00:15:17,216 --> 00:15:19,419
It's... a conundrum.
287
00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:21,921
Master, what bearing does this?
288
00:15:22,155 --> 00:15:23,656
Would you let me enjoy this?
289
00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:26,759
Damn, don't you know how good
this feels?! Wait. I'm sorry.
290
00:15:26,959 --> 00:15:29,262
Your wife left you because
you don't know how good this feels!
291
00:15:29,462 --> 00:15:33,332
My wife left me because of the
persistent advances of a younger man!
292
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:36,102
No. She left you because
you spent most of your time working.
293
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:40,106
Well, yes. I was saving
the world from a secret peril!
294
00:15:40,907 --> 00:15:44,377
And your precious free time was spent,
like, Mr. Rogers in a cape.
295
00:15:44,477 --> 00:15:46,713
She left you because you're a wussy!
296
00:15:48,247 --> 00:15:50,883
- There's Dad!
- Well, it's about damn time.
297
00:15:51,050 --> 00:15:54,353
- Looks like he's been captured again.
- And there's your body, Deano!
298
00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:58,091
It has an extra head on it.
Oh, no! They captured me, too.
299
00:15:58,191 --> 00:16:02,161
Hank, what year did you set
the time machine to?
300
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:04,997
The year 1230 A.D.
301
00:16:05,098 --> 00:16:10,436
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
that you set it to 12:30 a.m.
302
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,039
I've done it again.
303
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:22,915
All right. She's ready to test.
Who is the guinea pig?
304
00:16:23,049 --> 00:16:26,285
I'm an albino. I can't even
go to the beach without exploding.
305
00:16:26,452 --> 00:16:28,888
No way I'm standing
in front of an anything-ray.
306
00:16:29,088 --> 00:16:31,724
Single parent.
Those boys need me. I am their rock.
307
00:16:31,883 --> 00:16:33,826
Don't look at me!
I have not lived enough,
308
00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:36,529
for I have never tasted
the flower of a woman.
309
00:16:36,729 --> 00:16:37,697
What do you mean?
310
00:16:37,930 --> 00:16:39,899
"Tasted a flower?"
Is that a direct metaphor?
311
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:42,001
'Cause I don't take many trips
down south myself.
312
00:16:42,235 --> 00:16:43,536
You guys are disgusting.
313
00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:46,372
No, I mean I haven't sampled the fruits
of the fairer sex.
314
00:16:46,472 --> 00:16:50,042
What's with the poetry, Wordsworth?
Just say it! Say, "I am a virgin."
315
00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:51,244
I knew it!
316
00:16:51,410 --> 00:16:54,013
That makes you the best candidate
to take a ray blast.
317
00:16:54,113 --> 00:16:57,350
You have nothing to lose.
You've never done anything.
318
00:16:57,517 --> 00:17:00,753
The way I look at it, it's not even murder.
It's a very late abortion.
319
00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:03,456
Wait! Give me 24 hours
to experience love.
320
00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:07,727
Let me know the gentle caress of a woman,
let me sleep in the shade of love's bow.
321
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:11,264
I will return to you.
I will return knowing the sweet taste...
322
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:12,765
- I vote Billy.
- Seconded.
323
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:14,734
All right, virgin.
Get on the target.
324
00:17:15,134 --> 00:17:17,303
Oh, get behind the ear.
Oh, yeah, that rules.
325
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:19,005
You really think
she doesn't respect me?
326
00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:20,573
How can she respect you
327
00:17:20,673 --> 00:17:23,142
when she sees you
get treated like dirt by Dr. Venture?
328
00:17:23,242 --> 00:17:25,211
And then you let her
stay out all night partying.
329
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:29,649
Party?! My daughter drinks?
She told me her friends do, but she...
330
00:17:29,749 --> 00:17:32,018
Man, you are such a sucker!
331
00:17:32,118 --> 00:17:35,922
Look at the leg. Look at the back leg.
There's nothing I can do about it.
332
00:17:36,022 --> 00:17:38,157
It just keeps kicking.
Is that amazing?
333
00:17:41,093 --> 00:17:43,896
Well, at least you hit him this time.
Anything happen?
334
00:17:44,096 --> 00:17:47,366
No. Nothing.
Told you the phosphates were too old.
335
00:17:47,433 --> 00:17:48,734
It worked.
336
00:17:49,268 --> 00:17:51,437
You shrank my lungs.
337
00:17:53,272 --> 00:17:55,274
Rusty! Oh, man!
338
00:17:55,474 --> 00:17:58,644
What? I can't breathe over here.
339
00:17:58,878 --> 00:18:02,582
It's gonna get worse. You remember
that sound my chair made a second ago?
340
00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:03,950
That wasn't the chair.
341
00:18:04,116 --> 00:18:07,587
It'll be there in a minute, Billy.
Think deviled eggs.
342
00:18:07,787 --> 00:18:10,423
I hate you guys.
343
00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:16,028
Hank, you and Caligula
keep up the rear.
344
00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:19,632
No. On second thought,
you and Freud should do it.
345
00:18:19,832 --> 00:18:23,169
Caligula, you take the second wave alone.
346
00:18:23,302 --> 00:18:24,470
Ready, Dean?
347
00:18:26,239 --> 00:18:28,641
Steady, Perfect Man!
Ready, Brock!
348
00:18:28,841 --> 00:18:32,945
When the gates open,
me, Poe, and me, rush in.
349
00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:34,046
You got that?
350
00:18:34,881 --> 00:18:37,850
- You'll kill him when he shows up, right?
- You know it.
351
00:18:38,017 --> 00:18:39,218
Charge!
352
00:18:41,587 --> 00:18:43,122
- My ear!
- Sorry.
353
00:18:43,256 --> 00:18:45,958
- What happened?
- We shrank your head.
354
00:18:46,092 --> 00:18:49,328
- I told you we should've mounted it.
- Nice shot, William Burroughs.
355
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:53,199
You hold a gun like a guy that plays Riven.
Now switch to reverse and fix me!
356
00:18:53,399 --> 00:18:54,500
White, are you even aiming?
357
00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:57,904
Do you want me to go in the backyard
and shrink some cans or something first?
358
00:18:58,004 --> 00:18:59,805
I've never done
this before, you know.
359
00:18:59,906 --> 00:19:02,208
Fix me. Put it in
reverse and fix me!
360
00:19:02,375 --> 00:19:05,044
All right, Billy,
you need to relax.
361
00:19:07,346 --> 00:19:09,448
Nice. You shrank the whole room.
362
00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:13,719
- I got to get a camera.
- You look like Tobey Maguire
363
00:19:13,953 --> 00:19:15,488
in a bad Hulk costume.
364
00:19:15,588 --> 00:19:16,589
I need a mirror.
365
00:19:16,756 --> 00:19:19,659
I am a rube.
366
00:19:19,859 --> 00:19:23,362
I have been fooling myself
my whole life.
367
00:19:23,562 --> 00:19:26,732
- Makes you feel pretty small, huh?
- I am an insect.
368
00:19:26,899 --> 00:19:28,534
Look at that.
369
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:35,107
We are nothing in the eyes of the cosmos.
Tiny men going about our tiny days
370
00:19:35,241 --> 00:19:37,410
believing we mean something.
371
00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:39,178
We are nothing.
372
00:19:39,278 --> 00:19:42,615
Orpheus, you are my best
and brightest pupil,
373
00:19:42,715 --> 00:19:44,817
even if you do taste a little salty.
374
00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:48,654
You're ready, Orpheus.
Now, get the hell out of this closet
375
00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:53,559
and go win that incredibly
gay contest! Go! Go!
376
00:19:53,759 --> 00:19:56,395
Are you sure this was
the size of my head before?
377
00:19:56,595 --> 00:19:59,565
Positive.
What if we cross circuit the accelerator?
378
00:19:59,665 --> 00:20:03,302
Might give us more...
ohms or something?
379
00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:06,238
Give up, White.
I lose. It's eight o'clock.
380
00:20:06,305 --> 00:20:08,040
Come on. You're Rusty Venture!
381
00:20:08,140 --> 00:20:10,710
- Never say die.
- Die. I said it.
382
00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:12,511
Forget it. I'm not my dad!
383
00:20:12,611 --> 00:20:14,747
I can't even fix something
that he invented!
384
00:20:15,114 --> 00:20:17,616
I was a good boy adventurer,
but I suck at this.
385
00:20:17,683 --> 00:20:20,786
You weren't a good boy adventurer.
You were the best.
386
00:20:20,853 --> 00:20:24,156
- Hold on. Let me show you something.
- Hello? Mr. Venture?
387
00:20:24,256 --> 00:20:25,825
Lab!
388
00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:27,393
- You win.
- What?
389
00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:30,162
I cannot make myself
any smaller than I am now.
390
00:20:30,262 --> 00:20:33,032
- You win.
- Knew it, you charlatan!
391
00:20:33,099 --> 00:20:35,234
How much was the bet for?
A million dollars, right?
392
00:20:35,434 --> 00:20:37,970
Nothing. It was a gentleman's bet.
How small did you get?
393
00:20:38,137 --> 00:20:40,873
Me? It never worked right.
Complete waste of time.
394
00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:43,109
If you'd kept your mouth shut,
you would've won the gentleman.
395
00:20:43,342 --> 00:20:46,579
- Snacks!
- Good call, Billy, I'm starved over here.
396
00:20:46,645 --> 00:20:48,547
No. Dr. Venture.
Look at the box.
397
00:20:48,681 --> 00:20:50,616
I haven't seen one of those in years.
398
00:20:50,683 --> 00:20:52,451
A Rusty Venture lunchbox.
399
00:20:52,651 --> 00:20:55,221
Not the one I had when I was a kid.
This one I got on eBay.
400
00:20:55,354 --> 00:20:58,090
I can't use the thermos
because it smells like old milk...
401
00:20:58,290 --> 00:21:00,159
plus some kid
put Thundercats stickers all over it.
402
00:21:00,359 --> 00:21:03,629
- Why do you have one of these?
- Can't you see, Mr. Venture?
403
00:21:03,729 --> 00:21:06,332
You were the little boy-man's hero.
404
00:21:06,565 --> 00:21:09,001
You were the reason
I became a boy genius.
405
00:21:09,201 --> 00:21:11,437
Yeah, Rust.
Every kid wanted to be you.
406
00:21:11,537 --> 00:21:14,140
Yeah. I was pretty cool.
407
00:21:14,673 --> 00:21:18,244
That's me on the pterodactyl.
Took him down myself.
408
00:21:18,444 --> 00:21:21,247
Yes. You were pretty cool.
409
00:21:21,347 --> 00:21:23,516
Let us retire to my sitting room!
410
00:21:23,616 --> 00:21:27,286
I shall whip up
a batch of my famous rice pudding!
411
00:21:28,387 --> 00:21:30,089
I feel like we have forgotten
to do something.
412
00:21:30,189 --> 00:21:32,358
Oh, my God. You're right!
413
00:21:32,458 --> 00:21:34,060
I forgot to turn off the lights.
414
00:22:03,889 --> 00:22:07,359
Next week on...
The Venture Brothers
415
00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:11,964
I can't make it.
416
00:22:12,198 --> 00:22:13,866
I want to die.
417
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:15,701
I want the caveman to eat me.
418
00:22:15,835 --> 00:22:18,204
Hang on, Hank!
Cut him open!
419
00:22:18,437 --> 00:22:20,873
We're gonna put the boy in there!
420
00:22:25,544 --> 00:22:27,480
I thought he smelled bad
421
00:22:27,646 --> 00:22:29,348
on the outside.
422
00:22:29,398 --> 00:22:33,948
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