Original subtitles

- Gary! Phone! - Mom, we're busy!

- Gary! - What?!

- Phone! - Fine! Have a cow, why don't you?

- Atomic comic collection connection... - Shut up! I know.

- What are you doing? - Working. Hang on.

Atomic comic collection connection. Your on-line...

- 21, this is the Monarch speaking. - Boss? Holy crud!

I got 24 on the other line. I'll put us on three-way.

Good. I want him to hear this, too.

- Dude, it's the Monarch. - Hey, boss. How's prison?

Well, I'm out. No thanks to you schmucks! Guess where I am now?

- At a good friend's house? - At a Best Western?

I am sitting in the charred remains of my once mighty flying cocoon.

Anyone wanna explain to me why my cocoon is charred?

Because you told us to destroy the cocoon?

- And why it is sideways?! - We were following orders!

- You can't yell at us for following orders! - Or kill us for following orders.

Never mind. Just summon the others and get over here.

There are no others.

Yeah, most of them joined up with Monstroso's crew when you went inside.

And we kinda lost touch after that.

I'm not gonna lose my temper.

All right, here's what is going to happen.

I'm going to take a shower in what is left of my bathroom.

When I get out, I expect you to be here.

And I expect this cocoon to be fully manned and fully operational!

- Awesome. We are back, dude. - You heard him. I'll pick you up at 5:00.

Be outside. I don't want to have to talk to your mom.

I will be there.

Daddy's home.

Quit honking! I heard you the first time.

Lady! Lady, no! Mom! Call the dog!

The Grand Cooley Dam

the largest concrete structure in the United States.

Whatever. Do they really need to know this?

Happy fifth...

Happy 16th birthday, boys. Blow out your candle.

Here, boys. Put these in your wallets. You're official now.

- How come they're all burned up? - Laminating accident.

- They're still good though. - You sure? 'Cause this date is wrong.

- If I was born this year... - Curiosity kills more than the cat.

Put them in your wallets, like the man said, and get dressed.

We have a big day ahead.

Are you the bully of your school or even the victim of bullying?

Do you watch movies about costumed heroes and think,

"That guy's a pussy. I sure hope a much cooler bad guy kicks his ass."

- It's like you're reading my mind. - I am not a mind reader, stranger.

You, like so many others, are drawn to the sexy action-packed lifestyle

of the professional henchman.

But I could never be a henchman.

I am just a normal guy who is between the age of 18 and 30,

a loner, and lacks ties to friends and family.

You, stranger are the perfect candidate for costumed aggression.

Yo, fat boy. We get to carry a piece?

But of course! Your standard Grade One henchman

in service of the mighty Monarch is issued a dart gun and a grappling cannon,

to name only a few of the exciting accoutrements

that will aid the henchman in his wondrous world of career henching.

What kinda ride we get?

How does an enormous flying cocoon sound to you?

A flying cocoon? I can already feel my life getting better!

? The mighty Monarch ?

? Around the world ?

No way.

Are we floating?

- Hey, boss! - Welcome back!

- You actually did what I told you? - Yeah. We are up and running.

The new guys stole some parts from Sergeant Hatred's hover tank,

which is cool but broken now. So there's a couple of issues.

Let me do this.

You know that 21 and I have been working for you for, like, ever, right?

And we think it's about time we were given new numbers.

- Like one and two. - Or two and one.

- Fine, whatever. - Yeah, like it's that easy. No, listen to this.

Henchman 28! Front and center!

You want me? You roll your big ass over here!

And I'm done told you my name is Number 1!

I like that! Shows initiative! Seems like you collected

the perfect team of go-getters to carry out my brilliant new plan.

Operation Get Back Dr. Girlfriend!

Number 1, it's time you met your leader!

The Monar...

What the?! Get that off your head!

I smell weed.

Can't you give me just a little hint?

And ruin the surprise? No, sirree Bob. I wish I was you.

This was a big day for me when I was your age.

- Hi. May I help you? - Yes, you may.

I would like to fit the lucky birthday boy for his first speedsuit.

Great. And what is a speedsuit?

What is a speedsuit?

Only the perfect habiliment for the science-minded man,

who knows both comfort and ease and demands them from his clothing.

In a speedsuit, you say to the world,

"Look out! I know what I'm wearing for the rest of my life!"

That's a short-sleeved jumpsuit. Check the workwear department in the back.

- My big surprise is a jumpsuit? - Speedsuit.

I don't want to hear you ever say jumpsuit, Dean, not ever. Speedsuit.

There she is! Follow her!

Steady. Steady now. Keep your distance.

Yeah. Fly casual.

She's standing around. Quick! Evasive maneuvers now!

- Something wrong? - No. I thought I forgot something.

Of course.

I look like Santa's magic janitor.

Nonsense. You look like a million bucks.

And you were right. The pipe main seams on the explorer model were too showy.

This one is elegantly understated and the color has a dancer flair to it.

- How does it fit in the seat? - Pop! There are people around!

You'll want a sleek profile yet roomy. A properly fit speedsuit should crotch

at least six inches below your natural inseam.

- Can I take this off now? - How is everything going?

- Will you be taking that? - No.

Yes, ma'am! And don't bother wrapping it up.

The future super scientist will be wearing it out.

Magnificent.

Finally someone who understands that serration is only good for bread.

That is so great.

You know how we shall celebrate?

Yes! Dinner party. I will begin a marinade tonight.

We shall invite Manta Claus and Animus. No, wait. That's awkward.

Phantom, honestly. I am finding this so hard to care about.

You have to feel the heft to really appreciate it.

Shopkeeper, the lady would like to inspect the W�sthofs!

Well, I'm gonna get a nosh. You coming?

And suffer the embarrassment of not having enough pickle forks for the party?

No, my queen. There is much to procure.

- Because mine got broken, that's why. - Jeez.

- How did that happen? - I don't know, Hank.

Probably when somebody was playing with it. Go long!

- Come on with that! - Sorry, sir.

Yeah, keep walking.

Holy crap, no way!

Hi.

I forgive you.

- What do you think you're doing? - Butterfly kisses. Learned it in prison.

What, are you gonna pretend that we just accidentally ran into each other?

You know, do that "Fancy meeting you here" routine?!

No? I guess...

Could it be that you were tailing me in a gigantic floating cocoon?

By the way, tell 24 that the cloak mode doesn't work in fourth gear.

See? We need you! Come back!

Everything is crazy! The henchmen cry themselves to sleep at night.

I think the cocoon is probably really... busted,

I don't know, I can't even tell.

There's... There's just so many buttons.

So many buttons!

- Cut to the chase, Monarch. - Don't you want to console me?

Why do you want me back?

Because your tree fort is falling apart or because you love me?

Because I love you! Because...

Because when I'd lay my world-weary brow on your perfect breasts

and feel the phlegmy rumble of your chest as you told me, "This is heaven,"

I believed you.

You can't do that.

When you threw me out, I was devastated.

I would have come home if you asked me to. Yes, I'm that stupid.

But you didn't. You called me a whore

and you went back to your I'll-get-you-Dr.-Venture shenanigans.

- Boss? - What do you want?

- Code blue! - I want you to grow up! But it's late now.

- You'll never guess who just walked in! - Who?

- You know damn well I'm staying... - Dr. Venture.

- Holy crap! - What do you want us to do?

- Move in!! - What?

Move in with me!

Do you want me to share the bedroom with you?

No, don't be an a-hole! I was talking to... I was talking...

You were talking to who? To your henchmen.

I don't believe I was falling for this!

You haven't changed at all!

Let me tell you something about Phantom Limb. He's an animal...

Does he know this channel's open?

Who gave him the map? What the [bleep] is up with this female?

Ease up on him. He's been through a lot.

The man's heart has been broken.

I am leaving! Call me when you can act like an adult.

I am an adult!

- Let me go! - Please, just let me...

- Come on, Monarch. - Stay for me.

Get your hands off of me. I'm getting tired of this.

Monarch, unhand her this instant!

Come on! You!

Number 2 with fried rice, get down!

There you are. We're almost ready.

Just had to swing by the Shoe Shack.

I spotted the perfect Italian ankle boots to complete Dean's ensemble.

Don't say it.

You look like the mayor of Candy Land.

It's an ambush. Boys, get back!

Can you read my mind?

Do you know what it is that you do to me?

Here I am like a kid out of school.

Holding hands with the goddess. I'm a fool.

Son of a... God! My glasses! Where are my glasses?

Where are my glasses? Has anybody seen? Excuse me.

Oh, my God. Thank... What's going...

I'm gonna throw up.

Only one shot at this. You can do it, Duffy Moon!

What the [bleep]? You want some of this?

Damn you, Nerf!

Hank!

What the hell was that?

No!

[bleep]! Mall cops!

Henchmen! Retreat!

I won't let you keep her, Monarch.

Hello. What's this?

What the?

You're probably wondering why I haven't killed you.

I'm wondering where the hell I am.

The lair of the Phantom.

Behind these modest walls,

lies the most technologically advanced system of controlled evil in existence.

You, sir, are sitting smack dab in the middle of location "B"

for the Guild of Calamitous Intent!

You like doing that, don't you?

Yes. Next to the "Behold a giant walking death ray" speech,

the "Welcome to hell" speech is my favorite. No, don't get up.

You've been shot. Sadly, it wasn't fatal.

I have removed the bullet. And three others.

A blowgun dart, two shark's teeth, the tip of a bayonet,

a twisted paper clip, and a meager handful of buckshot.

- You may want to learn how to duck. - In a couple of minutes,

I'm gonna get up and pound your smug face into that armrest.

So why don't you spend your last minutes of life telling me what went down?

It seems that our mutual pest, the Monarch, has himself a death wish.

He operates in full costumed aggression without a Guild license.

His henchmen are using Level 5 offensive weapons for a Level 1 threat,

no offense to Dr. Venture, and he's kidnapped my girlfriend.

- So, what are you gonna do about it? - Not me. We.

I left out one small detail.

The Monarch also kidnapped your entire family.

The most reckless, graceless exhibition of henchmen that I've ever seen!

You think you're all a bunch of hotshot young Turk 182s, don't you?

Well, there are rules in this business! It's about finesse.

You don't just go in, guns a-blazing, willy-nilly.

Where did you get real guns anyway?

Those aren't standard issue. Hand them over!

What, is this funny to you? I said hand over your firearm, or I'll be forced...

Wait a minute, hold up!

- Who are you?! - Keep up! Where are you parked?

- Where am I what? - Where's your car?

- I don't have... - We came in our bodyguard's car, why?

Because my ex-boyfriend, the idiot, kidnapped your father and Brock

and probably my current beau.

And you two are gonna take me to him, now!

- Yes! - Wait! How do you know Brock?

Here it is!

- Aren't you gonna? - Hank, you drive!

- I never drive mad. - Brock would never let us drive his...

Don't be such a candy-ass, Dean. Get in the back.

- How do you know my name? - You heard the woman, candy-ass.

Wait a sec.

Okay, get in.

How do you know all this stuff, lady?!

I number two'd for Truckulese when I was first starting out.

I can hotwire anything.

No, I mean how did you know it was gonna...

Ten o'clock. Two o'clock.

You can do this, Hank.

That pedal on your left, that's the clutch. Put your foot on it.

Now shift into first gear.

See that little diagram on the knob? With that little one on it?

Wait a minute. Are you our mommy?

Nice.

It's unbearable. First, a mutiny, and now...

I can't believe I'm sharing the same air as my sworn enemy!

And I can't even breathe! I'm drowning in my own hate!

God, what is it with this obsession of yours?

- What did I ever do to you? - How dare you?! As if you...

- Frankly, it's beginning to get a bit old. - And then to belittle my...

These two! I would love to smack that smug...

Oh, my God, guys. Chill, chill! If we're gonna get out of this alive,

you two are gonna have to put aside your differences and work together!

Now, I think I got an idea.

If we can get our hands on some weapons, we can totally take these guys.

Yeah. No, duh!

But if, just if, we weren't locked in a cell or haven't you noticed?

The armory's on the other side of the cocoon!

We'd have to cross the Throne Room.

Where those guys are. Those scary guys.

Okay. We don't even need the armory. I'm talking about my own personal stash.

And we happen to be standing right under my room.

Trust me. We can climb through the air ducts.

There's no way you're fitting in that thing.

- Yeah, no. - You're just too heavy.

- What the hell is that?! - Muscle growth accelerator.

Just a little nostalgic item from back when I was a scientific goody-goody.

Not unlike your Dr. Venture. No, wait! I was good at it.

What is it with you dicks? The minute an experiment messes up,

you sell yourself a pair of tight pajamas, and become a professional pain in my...

- Turn that down! - Deal with it, tough guy.

And I don't need a clumsy bully making a mess of this.

If this little incident gets out, my career is done for.

This will be handled surgically and quietly.

Yeah, we team up like Scully and Mulder and solve mysteries. Been over this.

I know that you love playing make-believe but a lunatic has kidnapped my family

and I'm going to do something about it!

Not without me.

- There we go. - "Good call on the WD-40",

said the Monarch grudgingly.

Never go anywhere without it. But thanks.

I have to admit, you proved us wrong.

Yeah, yeah. Keep laughing while I totally emancipate you.

Gentlemen, choose your weapons.

- Is this them? - "Are these they?"

- Who talks like that? - Out of the way! I am the leader here!

I will distribute the...

- Are these they? - Yeah.

And you have to admit it is a pretty formidable collection.

You [bleep]-ing idiot! What the hell are we supposed to do with this crap?

Make them laugh so hard they blow malt liquor out of their noses?

No, I think you'll have that covered

when you storm the room in butterfly costumes.

Nice onesie, Dick.

Does it have snaps in the back, so you can make poopies?

This is a speedsuit, mister. Not a onesie!

Maybe they'll think you're a three-year-old with progeria and take pity on us.

- In your face! - Would you stop that?! Look,

this is extra-amusing and everything, but we've got us a cocoon to take back!

- With toys. - Toys schmoys. Check this action.

An official, licensed Lord of the Ring replica sword.

Now we're talkin'!

What are you doing!? That is mint in box!

Not even a scar? Did you look around the nipple or the belly button?

- Sometimes they put 'em in through there. - Look, she is all woman.

I've explored every inch of her and I found only nectar.

All right, fine. Maybe the Monarch's just better equipped.

You are strapping on an ultra-light gyropack.

They're only issued to top-ranking Guild operatives.

- No, I mean better... equipped. - She was kidnapped, all right?!

- Kidnapped! - I'm just sayin'.

- Are you ready? - How do you?

Up, down, side, side. Ready weapon. Left hand, operate speed and targeting.

Just like a helicopter.

- Just like my kind of helicopter. - Let's go.

I thought for sure you were going to hit me with lock and load.

The night is still young!

Left. Turn left.

- I'm driving! - Yes, we know.

Mommy, how do you know where to go?

I'm not your mommy! And I put a tracer on the Monarch

when we were first dating. Hank, take this right!

I'm driving! I'm a driver!

We know!

Yeah, tracer. You do stuff like that when you date supervillains.

Where'd you put it? Is it in his brain, or is it like a secret tracer tooth?

I hid it in my mouth and I jammed it up... Honey, like I said,

you do some pretty strange things when you date supervillains.

I'm still keeping this thing.

It's the first net cannon I've used that actually works.

They usually just mess up the guy's hair.

Prototype. I'll get you more net cartridges.

Thanks. That killer hand is pretty cool. Can you get me one of those?

That's all me. The outcome of a botched experiment that made me evil.

I so called that. So, we done here or what?

It's just those guys over there.

I want them to show you that twin double roll thing.

You're mad, sir. It can't be done without a trampoline.

Wait. Let me do this. You'll love this. Follow my lead. Classic.

Oh, sweet mercy!

I've been rend asunder by your violence!

Be merciful and finish me off.

Have a heart! Put one between his eyes!

My God! Do I have to do it? Give me those guns!

Well met. You do that with his own finger.

- Yeah, it's just one guy. - You show-off.

My car.

I just fixed that!

- My queen! - Brock!

- Brock, I drove! - Boys, you're all right!

This is a joke! What the hell is going on here? Where's Doc?

What do you want me to do? Read their fortunes?

They are Magic: The Gathering cards, not Tarot cards.

You can fuzz 'em at their heads.

You catch a corner with one of those and they'll know what hit them.

We'll get our asses kicked. We didn't have a breakfast.

Gentlemen, it's time we take back the cocoon.

Hands in the center. Who would like to lead us in prayer?

Smash puny humans.

Did you hear something?

On three. One, two!

Three!

Well, his vital signs seem to be fine.

You told me you never put a tracer on another man before.

Glad I wasn't the first one through the door.

- Who are all these people? - Are they all mommy's other boyfriends?

Stop calling me your [bleep]-ing mommy! Come on, don't kill them.

From what I've gathered, the Monarch is only guilty of poor judgment

and not being able to get over me.

As you wish, my queen. He is only a man

and no man is immune to your charm.

"No man." I'm still lookin' for scars on her.

What?

I'm a supervillain.

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