Original subtitles

Spirit. Before I draw nearer to that stone to which you point.

Answer me one question.

Are these the shadows of the things that will be?

Or are they shadows of the things that may be, only?

Spirit. Tell me!

Is this my grave?

What's it look like, genius?

No, Spirit! No!

I will live in the past, the present, and the future!

I don't know what to do.

I'm light as a feather. I'm happy as an angel.

Merry as a schoolboy.

- Hello, there. - Hey.

What's today, my fine fellow?

Today? Duh, it's Christmas Day.

Christmas Day.

Then I haven't missed it.

The spirits have done it all in one night.

Hello!

Merry Christmas, ya old fountain.

Merry Christmas, shiny X-1.

Merry Christmas, Dr. Orpheus.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Venture.

Merry Christmas, H.E.L.P.eR.

Why didn't he wish me a merry Christmas?

Nobody wants a Dean-in-the-box!

Oh, thank God.

I thought I'd turned into a complete [bleep].

Yeah, do you people carry the, uh, Joker Mobile?

No? Huh? How long?

Dammit.

Still haven't gotten anything for the boys?

Hank's covered.

I had my old bass restrung and I painted over the zebra stripes.

- But Dean's a little... - More feminine?

Well, tougher to shop for.

What, didn't you see the Sears catalog

he's been accidentally leaving all over the house for the past month?

Wishbook 1976?

Well, I guess the green machine I ordered won't be showing up anytime soon, either.

Are you guys done with the phone?

Oh, did one of you forget this?

It was just lying here.

Ho, ho, ho!

You've reached Dial Santa.

Today's special Christmas story is all about Christmas in Holland.

What are you doing, Hank?

Nothing!

Your present's not in there.

What do you mean?

I was just looking for the Christmas videos.

Oh, here they are.

Miracle on 69 Street.

Jingle Balls. Frothy the Blowman.

Rudolph the Red--

Okay, Hank. Listen, I need your help putting up the lights. Okay?

Like holding the staple gun is helping.

What are those elves doing to that lady?

They're dwarves, Hank. Come on.

Hey. Baby Jesus is out of the manger.

Huh? Oh. That doesn't go there til midnight.

Venture tradition.

That was close.

Get out of there, Tiny Joseph. Your work is done.

Return to base.

We almost lost one of our agents.

Granted, his specialty is pretty limited.

But he's an irreplaceable element of my sexy new plan to destroy Dr. Venture.

What plan?

It was supposed to be a surprise... for you...

...for Christmas.

Killing your archenemy on Christmas Eve.

That's a gift for me?

Well, I got you some stocking stuffers too.

Unbelievable. The selfishness.

You hate him too!

Or were you just lying on our first date?

So what's the big plan?

I'm glad you asked.

Behold!

Tiny Joseph has managed to slip into the Venture compound

and cleverly booby trap it.

At the strike of midnight,

Dr. Venture will place his precious porcelain baby Christ in its manger,

And when he does, it will set off a series of explosions

That will deck his halls with boughs of Venture!

What?

That model was supposed to be a surprise.

I peeked.

Hold the phone. Total babe alert. Twelve o'clock.

Oh, yeah. I know her type.

Watch and learn, Willamina.

Okay, one, you're totally gay.

Two, she's hot and you're an albino.

And three, you're totally gay.

You know, I was the first DJ at my college radio station to play the Bauhaus.

That's great. Wow, that makes you, like, 60 or something, huh?

No, just cool.

Mistletoe.

Dad, I can take care of myself, ya know.

I'm sorry, Pumpkin.

I trust you to defend your honor.

It's just that...

My pumpkin's maiden head is not a prize to be...

Dad!

Oh, Orpheus.

I wasn't expecting you to show up.

I didn't think necromancers believed in Christmas.

Well, the whole affair is about as real as Kwanzaa

or the Wookiees' Life Day.

But I find it charming.

...then the camels ate the straw and left a beautiful toy in its place.

That gay albino is hitting on your not-girlfriend.

Wait, what? That's it?

What does that even mean?

The camels poo toys?

Hello? Hello?

Well, did you get a good one?

No, and I maxed out Pop's Diner's Club card

so we can't call anymore.

Well, we can't just bail on Christmas story time. It's tradition!

- How about Grinch? - Nah. Did it last year.

Wait. I know.

Dr. Orpheus brought this old book with him.

He used it when he was baking those gingerbread cookies,

but maybe it's got some good Christmas stories in it.

And I can't go into the details this early in the process, but let's just say...

Oh, dread!

Oh, this makes zero sense.

I'm too late.

For even now, the beast approaches.

What? Who is this [bleep]?

He's blowing my big thing.

Look at that costume!

What the hell is that thing?

I'm afraid we're being visited upon by the Krampus.

The punitive spirit who once rode side-by-side

with St. Nicholas each Christmas Eve.

Delivering terrible punishment to wicked children

as Claus bestowed his gifts upon the righteous.

That's ridiculous.

There's no such thing as Santa Claus.

Not since he was killed by a jet in 1963, no.

Nor has there been a Krampus

since the pope cast him into purgatory during Vatican II.

But your boys seem to have inadvertently released him from his chambers.

Dean did it! I wanted to read the Grinch.

Um, Dad?

What kind of kinky Christmas spirit is that?

It is Germanic in origin.

Well, can't you just, I don't know, magic it away or something?

No more than you could science it away.

No, the beast will not stop until it has punished the wicked in this house.

Well, there's no one wicked...

What the hell?

Oh, for the love of...

Okay, that's it, Mister.

Brock!

Hey, Fancy Pants.

I've been naughty.

Come into my house on Christmas?!

You want some of this?!

Come on, you piece of Christmas [bleep]!

Stay your hand, Mr. Samson.

It's midnight.

It's Christmas Day.

It's earthly work is at an end.

Doc.

Doc!

You were having a nightmare, Doc.

- So, everything's okay, then? - Not exactly.

We kind of have a situation here.

The X-1 crashed, radio's dead, and we're in hostile territory.

Where?

Bethlehem.

- Daddy, you're alive! - Pop, you're okay!

This is the best Christmas present ever.

Hey, Pop. We saw where Jesus was born.

And there was, like, magical god-fire shooting out of it and everything.

Just like in Ten Commandments.

I think we hit a gas main.

So, what do we do here, Brock?

Well, that all depends.

If the Israelis get here first, we might have a chance.

I know some guys in the Messad.

If the PLO shows up, well...

My Arabic's a little shaky.

Not a problem.

Did you forget? This baby runs on pure plutonium.

They're gonna love us!

And that's what Christmas is all about.

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