Original subtitles

To all the subscribers of The Teenage Mystique,

something happened to me.

And I've read your stories and watched so many people be wronged,

so I can't hold back any longer.

All I wanted to do was understand

my authentic self, my desires, my place in the world.

Because of that, I was forced to be a cheerleader,

I was put into therapy,

my private diaries were read, I was demeaned.

I am not your mother anymore.

And then I was...

slapped.

Well, I'm finally going to tell the truth.

This is my manifesto, my book,

The Collected and Expanded Teenage Mystique.

Every thought I've ever had, uncensored.

Only the truth will be allowed in these pages.

The truth about being a teenager.

Our stories.

And if it burns this small-minded town to the ground,

well, so be it.

So, how do you wanna do this?

Wanna go in first and I mosey on in 30 seconds later?

Absolutely not.

Veronica Lodge's signature color may be purple,

but she is no shrinking violet.

So, come on.

Let's give these cubes something juicy to goss about.

Wowza.

I've never had so many peepers on me at one time.

Well, if it's any consolation,

I haven't gotten this much attention

since I arrived to school wearing my sexy witch costume.

Sexy witch costume?

Jughead Jones.

Do you have a thing for sexy teen witches?

Well, yes.

Yes, I do.

But I also know a boss idea when I hear one,

and sexy teen witch is a very boss idea.

Hmm. Well, glad to have inspired something.

Catch you later, alligator.

So, what do you think, Mrs. Grundy?

Archie...

This latest poem is...

Excellent.

It's so much more mature than your earlier work.

-It's like you grew up overnight. -I...

-What happened? -I...

I... I watched the sunrise like you suggested.

Among other things.

Well, keep doing whatever it is you're doing.

Well, I am definitely going back.

I will definitely do that.

Just keep at it, like you said.

Good morning, class.

Come on. You're yanking my chain, Mantle.

Shh!

Cool it. Not so loud.

You and Andrews?

At the same time?

Andrews.

Is it true?

You and Reg took a ride on the town bicycle, Twyla Twist,

and you're going back for seconds?

And another thing, dear readers,

I am sick of the double standard

that celebrates boys for their sexual conquests

and punishes girls for wanting the same.

Cheryl, I'm sorry.

What are these?

Hey, those pictures are amazing.

Are they from a private collection of yours?

I could try and spin some story, Betty,

but I'm tired of lying.

The truth is, I am going steady with Toni Topaz.

Oh. Oh.

Yeah, well, that makes sense.

And just try to use it against me, I double-dog dare you.

Oh, Cheryl. Don't worry. I...

I'm the Girl Next Door.

I write The Teenage Mystique.

What? I love The Teenage Mystique.

The Girl Next Door's advice is tops.

Oh.

It's an honor to meet you.

Likewise.

What are you doing with those amazing pictures?

Honestly, I was going to submit them to Femme-and-In magazine

to come out in the most unabashed way,

and blow the lid off of my parent's world once and for all.

That's exactly what I'm trying to do

-with the book version of The Teenage Mystique. -Now that's radioactive, Betty.

It is. And, actually, a story like yours and Toni's,

written by you in your words would be swell to include.

Maybe accompanied by some of those pictures?

I have to talk to Toni,

but, yes, Betty.

The pages of The Teenage Mystique

might just be the perfect forum

for our coming out to the world.

Oh, excellent.

And Cheryl,

do you think you and Toni would be willing

to take pictures like yours of...

Of me,

possibly, for my book cover?

Absolutely.

We can do a photo session. Then you can pick your favorite

and I can turn it into a luxurious, supple oil painting

for your book's cover.

I have to tell you,

this is the bee's knees, Jughead.

I didn't realize you could draw too.

Well, I'm no Ethel Muggs,

but I think this brain egg could be the thing to save Pep Comics.

Mr. Fieldstone is looking for a fresh breakout character

to get past the code and bring in new readership,

and I think it's Veronica the Teenage Witch.

Veronica, you're not gonna believe who's here.

Miss Josie McCoy.

The famous chanteuse?

The founder of the Black American Theater Project?

The newly minted Tony winner?

In the flesh and fur.

To what do we owe this honor?

I've heard about your theater, Miss Lodge.

- I've heard you're not afraid to shake things up.

Well, I've built an entire career out of shaking things up.

You may have heard I've been working on a major motion picture.

Hush-hush, you understand?

I have heard rumors that your Broadway smash, Going Uptown,

is being turned into a movie musical. Yes.

The rumors are true.

A movie musical I wrote, directed, produced, and starred in.

You've always been the definition of a Renaissance woman.

Well, then, you know Josie McCoy is a perfectionist.

This is my first motion picture, you understand?

And I'm still in the middle of my process, still tinkering.

Close friends have seen early cuts,

but I need to know how it plays out in front of a real audience,

far away from the prying eyes of my partners at Pasadena Pictures.

I don't need a bunch of starched suits mucking things up

and second-guessing my every creative choice.

Not until I have proof, positive, say,

filled-out questionnaires from a test screening,

possibly at your theater, Miss Lodge.

If it's up to my standards.

Can I just say

your movie is a surefire hit.

And you, Miss McCoy,

have made the leap to bona fide movie star. Cheers.

But,

why bother with the test screenings?

Let's just have ourselves a good old-fashioned red carpet movie premiere

and blow the roof off this joint.

As I said, I'm still tinkering.

But why tinker with perfection?

You know how skittish studio executives can be.

Unfortunately, all too well.

I have dealt with my fair share.

They're fear-driven creatures.

Exactly.

All right, then.

Let's give them the proof they need.

I know the drill.

We'll hand out surveys at the end of our test screening.

Uh-uh, one moment.

Miss Lodge, your theater might be up to snuff,

if slightly smaller than I'd hoped.

But I need to make certain that the seats at my screening

- won't be filled with rubes and blue hairs.

I need to get a lay of the land,

see if Riverdale's as hep a town as I've been led to believe.

Oh, we're hep.

But don't take my word for it.

Kevin, Clay and I can show you around.

Why don't we meet up tomorrow morning at 8:00 for a tour?

Eight in the morning?

Oh, no, no, no.

- I, my dear, am a creature of the night.

I roll out of bed leisurely and start drinking espresso at 3:00 in the afternoon.

You will see me at dusk and not a moment sooner.

Well, there are a few hotels in town,

but why don't you stay with me at the Pembrooke?

It's sort of like The Plaza. By way of the Dakota.

Can I take you there and get you settled?

I like you, Miss Lodge.

I think we're going to get on just fine.

Hi, Miss Twist.

I, uh, was hoping that maybe we could see each other again.

Oh, yeah, I remember you now.

Well, you got it wrong, Red.

You see, Twyla is happy to help a fella out of a rut.

She doesn't do long-term.

Especially not with puppy dogs.

Oh, but I...

really need the experience.

If, that's the case,

Lord knows, there's got to be some hot older mama

who would love to take a bite out of a Red Delicious like yourself.

You dig?

Okay. Are you ready?

Yes.

One, two, three.

So pretty. Okay, let's take two more.

Hey, Veronica, can I talk to you for a second?

Word from the bird is that Josie McCoy's in town,

and you might be bringing her to the Dark Room's open mic tonight.

My, gossip travels fast in this town, doesn't it?

If that's the case, my boy, Fangs, here is going to perform.

If he and Midge are going to make a go of it, he needs a big break,

one that Josie might be able to provide.

Do you think Miss McCoy would be willing to pick up what I'm putting down?

Now I can't speak for Miss McCoy, of course.

But if there's one thing a star like her recognizes,

it's talent.

Good morning, Mrs. Grundy.

I brought you something.

That is so sweet. Thank you.

And Red Delicious is my favorite.

I, actually... I wanted to let you know

I'm performing a new poem I wrote at the Dark Room tonight.

Yeah, I'd really be jazzed if you could make it and hear it.

Well, I'm touched that you would think of me.

And yes, of course I will be there.

Anything for my favorite student.

She's bewitching. She casts spells.

Nothing harmful or offensive, of course.

But mostly, she's a high school student.

She goes to class, does her homework,

gets into romantic trouble.

You know, good old-fashioned, wholesome, vampy, campy fun.

-What do you think? -Well,

I think if she's going to stand a snowball's chance in hell

of getting past the Tribunal,

we're gonna have to sand the edges a little bit.

They hear the word "witch",

they're gonna be going for their pitchforks, you know.

-Teenage witch. -No, no.

I'm not saying we ditch the concept.

I'm just saying,

I don't know, make her a half-witch.

And you'll have to get her out of this getup.

Too much cleavage.

-And make her a blonde. -Blonde?

And you'll have to come up with a new name, of course.

New name?

Yeah, Veronica?

Reminds me of Veronica Lake.

Too sexy, too dangerous, too, um, curvy.

Trust me, if you...

It's gonna pass muster with those prudes over at the Tribunal,

Nope, it has to be, uh...

Has to be something sweeter.

Yeah, I don't know. Magical.

Now, you pick the one you like the most, and I will paint it.

That way, we'll get the exact look you want for your book's cover.

What's the hiccup?

Are you displeased?

No, I'm so glad that I'm coming out

as the voice behind The Teenage Mystique.

I just can't help feeling a little bit like a fraud.

Dressing in lingerie, writing about sex

when I haven't experienced anything even remotely sexually satisfying myself.

What do you mean?

I mean...

Everyone I know is having or has had sex.

And I'm the only teenager in the world

who can't seem to find someone to go there with me.

Betty, you do know a woman doesn't

need anyone to be sexually satisfied?

She can...

do it on her own.

I did read about self-pleasure in Kingsley's book,

but it wasn't exactly a how-to manual.

I see.

However...

This particularly illuminating issue of Femme-and-In magazine

might be exactly what the doctor ordered.

And I certainly don't mean Werthers.

Turns out, all a woman needs to be sexually satisfied

is a bathtub, a bathroom with a lock on it,

and...

Shall we say,

a helping hand?

Veronica The Teenage Witch is too sexy, you say?

I mean, he's not wrong.

I am cut from the same cloth as Veronica Lake

and therefore, too provocative for those feeble-minded censors.

It's their loss.

On top of which, I have to figure out a new name,

something more magical.

Hey, did you happen to see that Audrey Hepburn picture that came out last year?

Her character had a superb name in that.

What was that movie called again?

Sabrina.

Audrey played the title character.

Sabrina.

Yeah.

Yeah, that could be the ticket.

"In the bloom of Eden's garden, the first transgression.

A simple apple, Eve learned her lesson.

Different garden, same temptation.

A young man seeking an education.

A teacher's pupil brings her apples,

and sinful thoughts with which he grapples.

While she teaches, he sits through classes

wondering how she looks

without those glasses."

Jeepers, Archie, that was kind of off the cob.

Better luck next time, champ.

Honestly, if that's what passes for art in Riverdale,

I don't think this is going to work.

Just you wait, Josie.

There's another act coming up that will have you positively purring.

Well, it's official.

After that poem, this is the iciest room on the Eastern Seaboard.

No worries, though.

Give it up for my boy, Fangs Fogarty.

Whoo!

The only person you need to know how to please...

is yourself.

What did I tell you?

- Hep, no? - Hmm.

Rock 'n' roll isn't my genre, of course, but...

He has something.

Touch of star quality. And that's more than most.

Let me ask you.

How is he on the bongos? Do you know?

To my knowledge,

there is no better bongo player in Riverdale. Why?

Well...

It's almost done, Miss McCoy. and we're all still here.

So what do you say?

Is Riverdale hep enough for a test screening of Going Uptown?

Let's do it.

Miss McCoy, at the risk of overstepping,

would you also possibly consider attending a meeting of Black Athena at Riverdale High?

It would mean so much to our members to meet a Black icon like you.

Well, I like the sound of that.

But what exactly is Black Athena?

It's a literary society I started for the Black students at Riverdale High.

Hmm. Well, now that's something Josie McCoy can certainly get behind.

Archie.

Mrs. Grundy,

We didn't get a chance to talk last night after my poem.

No, I had to rush home.

My husband was expecting me for a late dinner.

Oh.

Okay. Well, what do you think?

I think we need to switch gears.

Love poems are all well and good, but I would like you to branch out.

Okay... Sure.

Okay.

Anything you want, Mrs. Grundy.

I want you to write about pain.

Physical pain, emotional pain, psychological pain.

"What is my most painful experience?"

And write about that.

And let's take young heartbreak off the table.

As a topic, okay?

I was so inspired. I stayed up all night.

So did I.

So was I.

Do you hate it? I can adjust anything.

-The background? -No, no, don't.

Don't... Don't change anything.

It's beautiful.

Silly goose.

You're beautiful.

Kid, I gotta say, I love this.

I think you've struck gold here. Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

Now that's a title.

I'm going to send this off to the tribunal for review, stat.

But congratulations, kid.

I think this cutie patootie half witch of yours is gonna

single-handedly save Pep Comics from the dustbin of obscurity.

She's a woman who needs no introduction.

Josie McCoy's impact reaches beyond the stage

and into the very fabric of our culture.

I know you're all familiar with the breadth of her incredible work,

but let's dive a little deeper, shall we?

Tracy?

You are unapologetically you, Miss McCoy.

But as someone representing, well, all of us,

did you have to compromise yourself along the way?

-First thing, Tracy? -Yes.

You are not me, and I am not you. And yet, we are all beautiful.

My darlings, our experiences as Black people are multi-faceted

and rich and varied.

But none of us should have to compromise ourselves for anything.

We cannot. Compromise is not a word in my vocabulary, nor should it be in yours.

I cannot help but give my whole self to every performance

because the world deserves every facet of my being.

Miss McCoy, a while back on a trip to New York City, I was lucky enough

to see you as Lady Macbeth, opposite Charles Clayton as Macbeth.

That was at my theater in Harlem. I remember.

Mmm-hmm. And your performance has stayed with me ever since.

You were so fierce and commanding,

yet, also vulnerable.

Oh, sweetie, that is the only way I know how to be.

Ferocious and vulnerable. All things at once, and when I work, I bleed.

It's as simple as that.

That's what I try to do at my typewriter.

I try to bleed, too.

Enough about Josie McCoy.

Tell me. Where did the idea for the Black Athena club come from?

When I was in high school, I would've crossed the Sahara for a group like this.

Honestly, Josie, I started this club because I was tired.

Plain and simple.

I was tired of this bogus town telling me who I was.

Tired of treading water in the Caucasian sea of opinions.

We all needed a haven.

And I know I wasn't the only one tired of being told no by the gatekeepers.

-So we... -So you bet on yourselves.

Mmm.

Yes, I can see that.

Yes, I certainly can.

All right, let's blow this out.

I want a full red carpet premiere.

All the bells and whistles.

Spotlights, velvet ropes.

The creme de la creme. My movie is in your hands, Veronica.

But if Going Uptown isn't a hit...

If we invite the press and they don't right 5-star raves,

it won't just be my movie that disappears.

I disappear too.

I won't get a second chance.

And this film cost me everything.

What do you mean...

"cost you everything"?

I financed it myself.

When Going Uptown became a Broadway hit...

When I, Josie McCoy made it a hit, they wanted to turn it into a movie.

Of course, I was thrilled.

Until I found out that my part, the part that I won a Tony Award for,

was being reconceived for Lana Turner.

No...

Yes.

It was a slap in the face.

Apparently, the powers that be thought the silver screen

wasn't ready for Josie McCoy and her Black, beautiful self.

So I scrounged up every penny I had.

I even mortgaged my brownstone and I bought the rights

to Going Uptown out from under them, and I made the damn thing myself.

I put everything I had into this picture.

So the test screenings, the surveys,

weren't part of your process.

-They're going to be for... -Studios.

If we tested well enough with Black and white audiences in the sticks,

I thought that maybe... Maybe I could convince one of the majors to...

To distribute Going Uptown.

Then why the change of heart to hold the premier now?

Making Going Uptown, and risking everything for it,

it's the most terrifying thing I have ever done.

The studios. They don't think I'm a movie star, but I know I am.

But Going Uptown will have to explode like an atomic bomb.

Are you tuned in and hearing my signal straight?

Josie, after the premiere I'm going to throw you,

you are going to have a bidding war on your hands,

which is exactly what a star of your caliber deserves.

I hate not being able to see you.

Or hold you.

But we're cooking with gas now, baby.

I performed for the Josie McCoy.

She's gonna hook me up with her music producer in New York.

A real hotshot, Alexander Cabot.

Killer Diller!

Oh, Fangs. That's peachy to the max.

I'm gonna get you out of that crazy place.

We'll be together before you know it.

They rejected Sabrina?

Yep. They kicked it back and in record time.

Sabrina the Teenage Witch just ain't gonna fly, kid.

Why? Did they say?

Yeah, they... They gave my ears quite the bashing.

Objected to pretty much everything, like, for starters, that she's a witch.

This is nuts.

Preaching to the choir, kid, preaching to the choir.

- You came up with something fun and whimsical,

and all they saw was witches, Satanism, hocus pocus, and human sacrifices.

I know it's crushing, but shame on us.

We probably never should have tried to launch a comic book

about witch in the middle of a witch hunt.

I'm so sorry, Jughead.

Sabrina The Teenage Witch is a brilliant idea,

and I'm not just saying that because I inspired her.

She's just ahead of her time.

Give it a few years.

Let the hysteria die down and there will be no stopping her.

I just feel like Pep Comics is sinking in quicksand.

Listen, if you're down in the mouth

and not in the mood for a premier,

I'd completely understand.

Are you kidding? This is probably the only chance

I'll ever be invited to a Hollywood premiere. I'm not going to miss it.

-The only thing is-- -You don't have a suit.

I barely have any clothes without an S on them.

I thought we might run into this predicament.

So I may or may not have taken some precautionary measures.

Tailored exactly to your measurements.

I think you'll find nothing but the best for my flutter bum.

Yowza.

Are you absolutely sure you're not a teenage witch?

Who's that sourpuss?

He's a notoriously surly but also highly influential movie critic

from the WABE Journal.

Don't worry.

You and your movie are undeniable.

Here we go.

What the hell is going on, you bozos?

Film got hot and split.

We need to splice it back together and rethread it.

Have you snapped your caps? We're gonna lose them.

-Who? -The audience, Kevin.

The audience and the critics.

The spell has been broken.

You two are the worst projectionists in the world.

You're fired, we're no longer friends.

And from now on you'll be paying full price for movie tickets.

Everyone, calm down.

Once. I was mid performance in Greenwich Village when the club got raided by the fuzz.

But I still managed to finish my performance.

We will get through this if we don't fall apart.

You two, how long will it take to splice my film back together?

I don't know. Five minutes?

Five minutes.

There are half a dozen critics out there looking at their pocket watches,

wondering if they can catch the next train out of Riverdale.

Hold your horses, folks. Where do you think you're going?

All right. Now, why don't we sit down and enjoy the excitement?

Well, they're fixing my film.

How long would it take you to get a band together?

Fangs is here. So I'd say about 60 seconds?

Perfect.

Then I'll buy these two the time they need

to get my movie fixed and running again.

Who says motion pictures are a frozen art form?

While my associates are making Going Uptown even more fabulous than before,

here in the flesh,

performing the film's title number,

is Miss Josie McCoy.

Gentlemen.

When you look around the room, look. Tell me, what do you see?

Imitations of imitations.

I invented myself.

I just saw Mr. Abrams off.

He's on the train back to New York.

And? Is it going to be a rave or not?

Now, Josie, you know these critics.

But I may have greased his wheels a bit,

and gotten a taste of what he's going to publish in the journal.

Let's hear it.

First, the headline.

"A star is born."

Would you like to hear the opening paragraph?

Why not?

"Stop the presses.

An atomic bomb exploded in Riverdale.

People will be talking about it for the rest of their days.

Call the Oscars and tell them that all of the major awards

will be going to Josie McCoy this year.

Miss McCoy, the genius creative force and I do mean force, behind Going Uptown,

has not only earned herself a seat at the glorious table that is Tinseltown.

She has commandeered the whole damn restaurant."

This is really happening.

I'm not dreaming.

Josie, it's not happening.

It happened. You made it happen.

And as far as I'm concerned, you put Riverdale and the Babylonium

on the map tonight, so thank you for that.

And by the way, there's one thing this reviewer got wrong.

A star wasn't born tonight.

You've always been a star, Josie.

From the first second you drew breath.

You weren't even at the hospital.

You're not wrong though.

We make a good team, you and I.

Perhaps we should do this again.

I wonder, Veronica, if you're not just treading water here,

managing a theater when what you should be doing is making movies.

- Uh-huh. - I see I've intrigued you.

That's what Josie McCoy does best.

Uncle Frank, what's going on?

Reggie, will you give us a minute?

What the hell is this?

Mrs. Grundy asked us to write about our most personal and private pain.

"Overseas or in mountain marsh, that's where you really are.

You have a plot of land here at home,

but you will always be lost to me over there."

Writing poetry to get with the girl is fine. I said that.

But writing about your father?

Exploiting his sacrifice for our country, for our family?

No.

No! You will not sully his memory like this.

What's wrong with me writing about my dad?

I mean, I wish I could still talk to him, but I can't.

At least this way...

Uncle Frank, stop!

Don't you ever write about your father like that again.

Am I understood?