Original subtitles

So when did the infestation start?

A few weeks ago.

We can hear them skittering behind the walls.

It's making our war dog crazy.

Damn you!

Why must you torment me with these mind games?!

Oh, yeah, I see one of them now.

What is it?

- [GROWLING] - You got feral children.

- Oh, ugh. - We get this a lot.

Orphans abandoned by society.

They grow into primitive warriors.

They like to sneak into your home, eat your sweets,

play with your toys, that sorta thing.

Ugh, I mean, look at its chubby cheeks and button nose.

It's disgusting. Is there anything we can do?

Oh, yeah. Easy fix. What I do is I take this flute,

I play it, it hypnotizes the children,

then I lead them out of town.

But I gotta warn you, it's expensive.

I don't know if it's worth it.

They're just kids after all.

Unless you are scared of things that go bump in the night.

- There's one on your foot. - What?

[SCREAMS] No!

Okay, yeah, no. We can do it.

- We'll do the flute thing. - Great.

I'll get to work, then.

- [PLAYS JAUNTY TUNE] - [GASPS]

[CHILDREN GIGGLING]

Yeah, that's right, scram!

??

How are we going to pay all these bills?

400 bird beaks for anti-radiation filters?

300 bird beaks to fix our broken urine purifier?

Uh, the urine purifier is broken?

[SIGHS] This sucks!

Why does everything have to be so hard?

I feel like we're failing at life.

[CELLPHONE RINGING]

Yeah?

- Oh, hi, Mom. - Mom?

You never told me you had a mom.

Oh, you and Dad want to visit?

You have a dad, too?! Tell them yes!

I am absolutely dying to meet them.

Um, now's not a great time.

- Our schedules are pretty packed. - No, no, no.

Tell them we literally have zero plans.

It would be an honor to host you!

Okay, great.

Bye.

- Yeah! - When are they coming?

Right now.

[BELL DINGING, ROOF RATTLES]

[RUMBLING]

Uh, Freya?

What exactly am I looking at here?

Oh, did I not mention that my family

is part of the ultra-wealthy .001%

and live in a utopian city in the sky?

No, I don't believe you did.

[WARBLING]

Foofie!

Hi, Mom.

Foofie? Can I call you that?

- No. - Okay.

Oh, this damn ball pit.

It's busted again!

I paid a fortune for this piece of crap.

Oh, honey, you're so tense.

Would a massage help?

Thanks, Holly. Your hologram hands

are really hitting the spot.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Finally! The repairman's here.

??

Good morning!

Tai's Ball Pit and Sauna Repair at your service.

I'm here for a Mr. Morris "The Junkman" Rubinstein.

Oh, shit.

You're Sid and Freya's robot friend.

What are you doing here?

Well, unfortunately, my day job traveling through time,

assassinating humans doesn't afford me the lifestyle

I want/deserve, so I do this as my side hustle.

Another good human job stolen by a robot.

You non-people make me sick.

Well, this has been a complete waste of time.

I hope you have a good rest of your brief human lifespan.

Hey, where do you think you're going?

Now, you work for me now.

Unless you want me to leave you a bad review.

Oh, you wouldn't dare.

I think I'll give your service one star.

Maybe one and a half if I'm feeling generous.

No, no, no. You can't!

I... It would completely tank my algorithm!

I would be ruined!

I guess you should get started, then.

Shoes off?

You know it.

[LAUGHTER]

That's the last of it.

You guys sure packed a lot for a weekend trip.

Foofie, we are finally getting to meet the famous Sid.

Have you been hiding him from us?

I have. Like, really, yeah.

Stephen and Margaret have been showing me family photos.

How did you never tell me you were a Little Miss Death Games?

Mom, this is so embarrassing!

I only did the Death Games because you said

it would be good for my college applications.

Of course, it's always my fault.

Oh, new people! [LAUGHS]

- FREYA: Scraps, down. - Down! No! Hey! [SHOUTING]

- No! No! Down, boy! - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Go to your bed. Go to your bed. - No. No.

Sorry, he's just really friendly.

So nice to meet you guys. Ugh!

Its got its wet all over me.

Would you take me up to the main house so I can wash up?

Um, this is the main house.

I don't understand. I thought this was a...

little mudroom to remove the filth.

I can't sleep in a place like this. I'm too delicate.

Oh, why don't the two of you

come stay with us for the weekend?

Yeah, we would love to.

Oh, well, I think what Sid is trying to say is...

- we're good, thanks. - What do you mean?

You were literally saying earlier we're failing at life...

Oh, that? I was just being ironic.

Like, "Oh, we have no money, and we live in a dump,

and our careers are going nowhere.

We're failing at life!"

But we're actually doing great.

Really, really, really, really great.

[RATTLING, CHILD SCREECHES]

[SNARLING]

I'll go pack my bag.

[CHILDREN GROWLING]

??

Hey, this is probably going to take a while,

so you don't have to loom over me the whole time.

Oh, so you think I'd trust a robot to roam free in my home?

Wouldn't want you stealing my batteries

or getting all handsy with my microwave.

Oh, uh, I think I found your problem.

There's something stuck in the drain.

??

Oh, what is it?

Almost looks like a toe bone from a human skeleton.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

That is so random.

How'd that get in there?

Here, let me see that.

HOLLY: Who is she, Morris?

Is it that skeleton slut that you slept with

at your high school reunion?

Well, that's not a sentence you hear every day.

You said it was a one-time thing.

It's not like that.

I... I'm a serial killer.

Yeah, that's it.

That's a trophy from one of my kills.

I'm sick. I need help.

I am through with you, Morris.

I'm taking Timmy to my sister's.

You can't leave. I mean literally.

Your instructions say you have to take care of my every need.

Well, you should have read the fine print.

There's an exception for lying pieces of shit!

- Ooh! - She's dead to me, I swear.

??

[GRANDIOSE MUSIC PLAYS]

Wow, Freya, this place has everything!

Clean water, flying cars.

And this strange invisible forcefield.

That's glass.

"Guh-lass."

That's spectacular.

Hey, kids! Care to join me for a round of Pegasus polo?

You have Pegasuses here? Ha! I'm in!

No, thanks. I'm just gonna do my work and pretend

that I haven't fully given up on life.

You have fun, though.

Shall we, Stephen?

Oh, please. Call me Dad.

Okay, Dad. Let's go, Dad. [LAUGHS]

I love you, Dad.

??

Foofie, sweetheart!

I 3-D printed a grilled cheese sandwich for you,

- your favorite. - Mom!

I'm in the middle of working.

You can't just barge in like that.

Oh, is this your little lord-warring?

It's warlording. And I'll have you know,

I'm actually doing really well for myself.

Well, at least you're having fun.

Oh, by the way, your father is hosting

one of his silly charity events later.

Do you mind cleaning up your toys?

They're not toys, they're strategic miniatures.

[STRATEGIC MINIATURES RATTLING]

You may put the grilled cheese on top, thank you.

??

Whoa, baby.

Jackpot!

??

Do you mind? That's my breakfast.

Oh, sorry. Y... You must be the family pet.

I... I'm Scraps.

- What is your breed? - My what?

For instance, I am a seventh-generation

Yorkshire toy eunuch.

I've been bred for my weak knees

and inability to breathe properly.

Oh, and that's a-a good thing?

Don't make me laugh.

[WHEEZING LAUGH]

Whereas you seem to have all of your teeth

and no discernible diseases.

Let me guess... you're a mutt.

Ugh, I'm so embarrassed. [CHUCKLES]

W-We can still hang out though, right?

"Hang out," like those testicles you still presumably have?

[LAUGHS DERISIVELY] Are they at least petite,

or more of the "big dirty dangler" variety?

Big dirty danglers.

Well, I'm off to have my weekly injections

so my butthole doesn't fall out.

Ta.

[GROANING IN PAIN]

Dang. Dude's a friggin' pimp.

??

[SLURPS]

You know who I feel bad for? Holly.

Good luck trying to find another guy as rich and powerful

and as virile as I am.

Have I mentioned how virile I am?

Oh, yes. It's come up several times in this conversation.

She's nuts, I tell you.

All my exes are wackos.

And we're sure it's definitely not any issues on your end?

Oh, so now the robot is an expert on how humans work?

Alright, forget I said anything.

Oh, no, no. I-I really wanna know what you think.

This is gonna be good.

Alright.

I think you have bad relationships

because you're afraid of being vulnerable.

You hide behind your wealth and status,

but deep down, you're just a scared, lonely child...

if I had to guess, possibly due

to an emotionally unavailable mother.

??

[SLURPS]

Would you excuse me for a moment?

Goodbye cruel world.

[RATTLING]

Morris?

[MUFFLED] Leave me alone! Let me drown.

It doesn't work like that. You're clearly still breathing.

I can't do anything right!

I lost the one woman who would put up with me

because I needed to feel like a big man.

But I'm just a sad, stupid loser who's gonna die alone.

And now I'm crying in front of a robot!

How pathetic is that?

No, no, it's not pathetic.

You're being vulnerable.

It is...

beautiful.

You don't really mean that.

Hey, I'm gonna throw something out there, and...

and this might seem completely crazy,

but can I paint you?

??

I think I'd like that.

The youths of today face many challenges...

nuclear winter, roving gangs of bandits...

but the greatest challenge of all

is a lack of classical music appreciation.

But thanks to your generous donations,

we will be dropping thousands of violins down upon Earth,

so these poor little lost souls

can stop crying over their dead moms

and start playing some Brahms.

[LAUGHTER]

Foofie! There you are.

I wanted to introduce you to my dear friend Susan's nephew, Levi.

He's into warlording, just like you!

I'd love to grab a coffee sometime,

and chat about the biz.

Mom, I told you, I don't need your help, okay?

I'm doing really well. I'm not some newbie.

Oh, I'm not a newbie. I actually just got back

from sacking the Great Golden City.

Uh, wait, you sacked the Great Golden City?

Yeah, they chant my name, build monuments in my honor.

It's pretty hype.

How about you? Sack any good spots recently?

Oh, um...

Yeah, do you know of Mud Valley?

I... It's kinda low profile,

but also pretty hype because it's so muddy.

Tight.

Well, I should probably go.

Oh, um, do you still want to grab coffee sometime?

I'd really love to collab on something.

Here. Can... Can... I'm gonna give you my number.

Uh, actually, I'll have one of my henchmen reach out.

Thanks.

Wow. That was truly humiliating.

Foofie, it doesn't look like things

are going very well for you.

You know, there's no shame in moving back home.

Wait, what?

You could work for the family business,

and Sid can live a life of luxury like Stephen.

Just think about it.

Oh, there's Susan.

She claims she hasn't had any work done,

but that unicorn horn didn't grow by itself.

[LAUGHS]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Say, what do you call a guy with no brains or no eyeballs?

You when you picked these outfits.

- [GASPS] - [LAUGHTER]

That is very rude. Not nice.

How about a little kiss for Daddy?

??

- CROWD: Aww! - Sid?

Oh, hey, Freya!

You're missing the father-son talent show.

I'm sorry, I can't even begin to unpack that right now.

But you will not believe what my mom just said to me...

She said we should move to Olympus

and live here rent-free for as long as we want.

I mean, can you believe that shit?

Wait, that's a bad thing?

Yeah, of course it's a bad thing!

She just wants to rub it in my face

how amazing her life turned out

and how mine's just a big fat failure.

I don't know. Your parents have been nothing

but kind to us. Is it possible they're not doing

anything bad, and this is just, like,

a little bit your ego talking?

No, I know they're doing something bad.

I just can't explain exactly what or how, but it's something.

Hey, come on, dummy. It's showtime.

Ha! Sorry, dummy... that's my cue.

Who are you calling dummy, dummy?

[LAUGHTER]

- Where were we? - [SIGHS]

Yak-yak-yak.

[WHIRRING]

You have such intriguing features.

Soft eyes. A childlike smile.

Shut up.

[LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYS]

Why are you being so nice to me

after I was such a jerk to you?

Everyone needs a helping hand.

Even if they don't always deserve it.

Boy, I was wrong about you, Tai.

I thought robots were missing humanity.

But you're the most human being I know.

Thank you, Morris. That means a lot.

[BLEEPING]

Oh, shoot.

I'm out of toner.

I think I need to switch cartridges.

? If your heart was ever there ?

Stupid thing. They put it in such a weird spot.

Can I help?

Oh.

Uh, I've never let anyone do that before.

Well, a wise man once told me that vulnerability

is a beautiful thing.

Okay.

??

? Did you ever really cry ?

Like this?

No, put it in the other way.

It sort of clicks in.

Yeah, just like that.

[WHIRRING]

? ...tell a lie? ?

??

And then I said, "You call this a yacht?

I've pissed on bigger fire hydrants!"

[LAUGHTER]

SCRAPS: May I cut in?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]

??

??

Scraps, y-you look different.

Different good?

Different very good.

Everyone, this is my friend, Scraps.

So is anyone else spraying terrible diarrhea

with some green in it?

- Yeah. [LAUGHS] - Mm, just sensational.

- Yes, that's right. - Mom.

Yeah? Can I talk to you?

Oh.

What did I do this time?

I want to apologize.

I've been a total jerk to you,

and I think it's just because I'm embarrassed

that my life hasn't panned out to be as good as yours.

And maybe it's not such a bad idea to move back home.

[LAUGHING] Oh, Foofie, that is wonderful news!

I can't wait to tell your dad.

He's gonna be so excited to receive his new organs.

What was that last part?

Oh, I didn't tell you?

Stephen wants to harvest Sid's organs for his own use.

And that's worth killing Sid? I thought you liked him.

We do like him...

for a starter husband.

I mean, let's be real, the boy is Wasteland trash.

Oh, my God. I need to find Sid.

Wait, Foofie, you're being ridiculous.

Foofie!

Ah, this is the life, ain't it, Pops?

It sure is, champ.

Sid, we gotta get out of here. My parents are planning to...

Oh, my God!

Ah, Freya. Hello.

Stephen and I have retired to the gentlemen's quarters

to smoke cigars.

But I must say, they are making me quite light-headed.

Sid, he's stealing your organs!

What? Don't be ridiculous.

Oh, my God! You're stealing my organs!

Daddy, how could you?

It isn't personal.

You're still my sweet baby boy!

Come on, let's go!

Baby boy!

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYS]

Move! Out of my way!

Freya!

Give me back my son!

Foofie, where are you going?

You're being so dramatic.

They're gonna catch us!

Not if I have anything to do with it.

- Eat spleen! - Oh!

And have some appendix!

- Yucky! - Take this.

Wait, wait, wait, that's your heart!

Ugh, thank you.

Well, well.

Looks like the trash learned to take out itself.

Hey, that's my Mommy and Daddy you're talking about.

Oh, Scraps, come on.

You're better than that.

You're a pure-breed now.

Yeah, well, you're all wet.

Oh! [SHRIEKS]

No! I'm allergic to water!

And that's a good thing!

[GROANS, SOBS]

Hey, hey, sorry I'm late.

Scraps? You look like a freak.

Aw, you're too kind.

Foofie, why would you go back to your sad little life

when you can have all of this?

Because I don't want to live your life.

I want my life.

??

[ELEVATOR DOORS CLOSE, BELL DINGS]

You gotta hit P2. We're on P1.

Oh, okay. My bad.

Have a nice day.

Don't slip on the guts.

- [GROANS] - Bye.

Well, it... it may take a while,

but I think I'm gonna come through this a better man.

Thank you, Tai. Today was really special for me.

It was special for me, too.

You're a good man, Morris Rubinstein.

So what do you say? Uh, same time next week?

We could have a few drinks, break out the Twister,

see where it goes.

Yeah, I was kind of hoping this would be a one-time thing.

I don't know how my robot friends would feel about me

palling around with a crotchety old human.

You understand, right?

Hey, I-I was doing you a favor.

You think I want to be friends with a glorified tin can?

Yeah, right.

Alright, well, good.

Bye, I guess.

- [DOOR OPENS] - Go suck on a floppy disk!

[DOOR CLOSES]

??

? Trying his best to take the same big steps ?

? That his daddy took ?

? Johnny was small I was 10 feet tall ?

? I could write a book ?

? About a father and his son, and the things we've done ?

? And the way life looked ?

? I taught him how to whistle through his teeth ?

? And I taught him how to bait a hook ?

? Uh-huh ?

Are you sad to be back in our crummy little house

with our crummy little lives?

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Ow! Christ. [HISSES]

- [GROANS] - Cool.

Think I put all your organs back in place.

- Thank you. - How do you feel?

Good.

Do you feel like I'm maybe missing something?

Oh.

- Aw, man. - What is this?

I mean, it's probably not vital, right?

- I feel fine. - I guess I'll just leave it.

- Yeah. - [WET SPLAT]

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