Original subtitles

Can you leave Tuesday, or...

Sorry, that's leg day.

You know, the Bat family is all about group squats.

Oh. What about next Thursday?

Ugh. Thursdays are my day for surveillance at the docks.

Okay. Well, then, honey, when can you go?

Heroes deserve a day off.

Even all those unvaccinated firefighters.

You know what? Yeah. Yeah, let's just go this weekend.

Actually, the Lexor in Vegas just reopened,

and it's free for villains.

Oh, yeah! Cheetah and Kanye renewed their vows there.

Wait, isn't Clayface's residency starting this weekend?

I've been getting so many targeted ads, it's like, ugh.

Same! Oh, my God, I cannot believe we haven't talked about this.

He's singing the greatest hits of other Vegas residencies?

Yes, and why is the trailer in French?

Why is he taking a bubble bath in army fatigues?

Yeah, like, who is the audience?

Anyone who couldn't get tickets to literally anything else.

Totally. But actually, honey,

you know, now that you're with the Bat family,

you probably shouldn't stay at the evilest resort in Vegas.

No, no, no. No, I miss you.

I miss staying up all night,

you know, getting into erotic mischief,

feeding each other baby carrots.

- Yeah, girl! - Let's go to Vegas!

Okay, dial extension three if you need goons...

- Ooh! - Four for guns, knives, tanks,

and five for fresh towels.

Oh, the grenades are chocolate,

but the chocolates are grenades.

Gonna save this for later.

Would you like me to have your suite pre-tarped

before you deal with your hostage? Er, victim?

Hey, you suck at whispering.

- I am her girlfriend. - Hmm.

Let me know if you need anything at all.

Oh! Actually, uh, we do.

We'd love a pair of tickets to the Clayface show.

We should probably just check it out while we're here, right?

That show's been sold out for months.

Oh, wait. Are you serious? For real?

But good news...

Mr. Face generously invited you

to his pre-show pool party this afternoon.

Ah, very subtle.

I'm just gonna have Nora handle the tickets.

Complimentary Blood-of-Your-Enemies shooter?

Yours has some of your fourth grade math teacher's.

Oh. To the best weekend ever.

Whoo!

Ow!

So what should we do first? Ooh!

We should see that show Fall.

The aerial circus show with the spikes instead of safety nets?

Uh, you know what would be so unexpected and subversive?

Going to see the glass-blown ceiling garden

designed by famous blind artist Dale Chihuly.

And on the way back,

we stop at the M&M's store, scoop a couple L.B.'s?

I know a candy-coated chocolate makes you horny.

Oh!

Should I call for tarp?

I want that one with the fat ass!

Ugh. So sorry we had to wait in line for three hours.

Hey, at least we got to see that M&M's through the years display.

Pretty fun to see the tan ones, huh?

Yeah, no, totally.

I also loved hearing so many babies screaming in line.

Ah, free guns! What? And with airbrushing? Oh!

Do... Do you wanna deal with that, or...

No. Work can wait. I don't wanna interrupt these sexy party vibes!

Ma'am, is this hero bothering you?

Oh, shit, King!

Green Goddess!

Tabitha, you remember my boss and my former boss.

I told you, this is my babymoon.

I wanna fuck a magician.

Uh, yes, ma'am.

Tabitha and our nine unborn children are here to party.

And I'm here to support them in whatever way is least annoying to her.

Ugh! Cover your gills.

I can feel you breathing on my hammer.

Uh, Miss Ivy, Elvis has requested you join him

for some white rhino bone marrow in his cabana.

Oh, okay.

I mean, it is Elvis.

Well, of course.

Harley, I'm worried Tabitha won't let me co-parent with her.

And I want to be part of these sharks' lives.

Yeah, that's a tough one. She seems to hate you.

Yo, hook me up with a couple of those green ones.

Chocolate? I thought they were benzos!

I need to get this taste out of my mouth.

Uh, I'm sorry.

Should you be smoking cigarettes

since you're, like, extremely pregnant?

Don't humansplain my body to me.

Yeah, you heard her!

Would it kill you to look up "shark placenta"?

Mmm-hmm.

Now scram!

Should... Should I check on our fruit medley?

You know that famous gumbo from my kingdom?

Of course! Hakarl gumbo!

I mean, there's a beloved folk song about how hard it is to make.

Yeah, I want that.

My brood's wish is my command.

Hey, how was Elvis?

Wait, no, no. How was the white rhino?

- No, wait, Elvis first! - Um, ugh on both, actually.

But you know who never underwhelms?

Benjamin fuckin' Franklin!

Okay! Who should we bet on?

I wish I could bet on this death match.

Bad odds with Rag Doll's loose stitching, but I do like his wiry energy.

Wait, no one saw me cheering for this, right?

Hey, so where are we with the, uh, Clayface tickets?

I can get backstage with Celine,

a meet and greet with Britney, but nada for Clayface.

I mean, can't you just ask him?

Yeah. No, I can't do that.

I may have ignored a few emails that he may have sent

specifically about this exact subject,

so just keep trying.

Wow! Even I have tickets.

I guess CEO stands for "Can't Even do" capital "O" shit.

Uh, ew. No. Troll.

I already have tickets, man.

I'm just... I need extra tickets in case I want seats for our purses.

Yeah, very cool obvious lies,

so I got to ask, what's with the narc?

This party is for hotties and villskies only.

For your FYI, I'm having a very fun, very villlski time,

within the limits of my new occupation.

The Harley I know would have flicked my taint

for even questioning her.

Help!

The Harley I know would have let me drown.

You know what? I actually need to run back to our room for a sec.

Can't let our bounty melt!

Are you sure you don't want to stay?

We could get, like, matching pedicures.

Well, I guess I could.

Um, you stay. I'm fine.

You deserve to be pampered by these evil cuties.

Okay, cool.

Yes!

Make that pool noodle cry.

Whoo!

Oh, kisses at you!

Kiss, kiss.

Oh, for dick's sake.

You look gorgeous!

Ugh.

Well, well, if it isn't my old so-and-so, Poison Ivy.

No, good, I'm good.

- Don't need any... - Whoo!

I fucking love you, Clayface!

Ha! I love you too, sweetie!

See you at tonight's show, I assume.

Unless, you don't have tickets.

Oh, we're good. Yeah, we got tickets.

Front row, orchestra seats six and seven, actually.

Splendid!

I look forward to seeing you there in those exact seats.

Ga-Ga, darling! I got the flowers!

How did you know I was a gladiola girl?

Coming at you live from the yard at Blackgate Penitentiary,

let's make some noise for DJ Daddy'$ Money!

Is that motherfucking Bruce Wayne?

Bruce is in prison and still gets to be a shitty daytime deejay,

but I can't even enjoy Vegas with my sumptuous life partner?

I'll tell you why he gets to be a shitty deejay.

Think about it. Bruce and Batman are two different people.

Of course!

Superheroes all have secret identities.

All my identities are public!

If you had an alter ego, you could party with Ivy

without getting in trouble with the Bat family.

Do you have a breath mint?

Don't want any of those shrimp tails

to get caught in your pretty pink hair.

All right. Are we doing this?

I've always wanted to party in Vegas.

So many people to analyze!

Oh, no, you're not coming out, four-eyes.

This is a job for...

Hargret.

Yes!

Do not leave me in the mirror, you skank!

Throw down, you bouncy little bitch!

Whoa!

How dare you cheat on me?

It's me, Harley Quinn.

Yeah, sweetie, I know. You're wearing my bra.

This is just my natural perk, baby.

So I love this whole vibe.

But are you going to get in trouble with the Bat family

for, like, everything that you're doing right now?

Harley might. But Hargret will not.

Okay, I like the sound of that.

Now we can party like we used to.

I'm talking jugs out, rugs out,

steal a car just to crash it into an even nicer car.

Well, bitch, I can't argue with your logic

or your legendary rack.

Then we'll go get those fuckin' Clayface tickets, baby.

- Whoo! - Let's fucking ride.

Fuck yeah!

Hah!

Bar man!

Ha! I hear you're the guy to talk to about some primo Columbian.

I am so that guy!

Wanna do some bumpies behind the "And Just Like That" slot machine?

I was thinking someplace a little more soundproof,

like your room.

- My room? - Mmm-hmm.

All right, gumbo. I can do this.

Hey, I hear you deal in exotic rarities.

Yes. But it's gonna cost you.

Ew! Ugh! Damn! This is supposed to be a hotel!

Why aren't people having sex in their room?

Ow!

Oh!

Onions? Well, I have those in the room.

Hmm?

Hello, ma'am.

I'm sorry!

It'll grow back, right?

Yeah.

Front desk messed up my res.

I usually get a super baller room.

Can we do it on the other bed?

This is my eating bed.

Whoa!

Give me your Clayface tickets or I'll fucking kill you.

I don't have them! I swear!

He's lying.

Ow!

No, I'm not!

I was gonna dress up as a bellhop and ambush a guy.

Bullshit. What guy?

Some hick who won a radio contest.

He's supposed to meet the concierge at 5:00 p.m. to pick up the tickets.

- Should we kill him? - I have a better idea.

Hope you're not a mouth breather.

How long do you think it'll take him to realize it's just chocolate?

What? What's happening right now?

That ill-fitting polyester is, uh, kind of doing it for me.

Is it? Okay.

How come yours is tear away and mine has, like, 30 buttons!

Oh, that tickles.

I fucking love Vegas!

Oh, my God. I mean, we have done a lot of freaky foreplay,

but it was, like, particularly awesome.

I mean, you've never done that flip-reverse-two-handed move before. Whoo!

Can we bring Hargret back to Gotham or what?

- Um... - I mean, not like...

Obviously not instead of you. I...

Yeah. No, no, I know.

All right, let's get these fucking tickets.

Hold up. It's a cancer kid?

Look, maybe the mom has Munchausens.

She's the real monster here.

Right. Let's just take his parents' tickets and go to the show with him.

No, we can't do that.

We need the third seat for our purses.

Ha-ha!

'Tis I, the elusive chanteuse

Clayface.

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

Wait, where's my son?

You twisted little freak.

I knew you didn't have tickets.

All you had to do was reply

to one of the baker's dozens of emails and texts

I sent about my show.

Oh, what's a few unread texts between friends?

No one cares for your opinion, stranger.

You think you can swan in here

and swing your big boss dick around and get anything you want?

I have eyes and ears and Ramonas everywhere.

Dial six if you feel like a fool.

You get one residency, and suddenly you're all,

"Ooh, la, la, I'm Clayface. I'm a big, uh, diva."

You dare call moi a diva?

Do you know who you're fucking talking to right now?

Do you know who you're talking to?

Yeah.

I do.

Boop.

Hey, babe, can we, uh, sidebar away from all these innocent bystanders?

Hope you sing better than you throw, bitch.

Nom, nom, nom, nom...

Not again!

Villains are destroying the buffet.

Someone call a hero!

Ooh, my hero instincts.

And that's why you always bet on Bat.

Yes!

Hey! Cut this shit out!

Harley! I hate to be the bearer of bad news,

but I also kind of love it.

Ivy is stepping out on you with a Vegas-six in a tacky pink wig.

Okay, Hargret's at least a Gotham eight.

Ugh, get out of my way, Harls!

Do you really wanna kill a bunch of innocent people over tickets?

- Absolutely! - More than anything.

What happened to being my supportive girlfriend?

Sorry, Ive.

Okay, look, dude. Mazel on the show.

We're super proud of you, even though we would never tell you.

Easy to say now that I am a bona fide success!

The gall!

I may not even go on tonight

after what you bitches bedraggled through.

Listen, listen! You're mad, I get it, okay?

But you should know that your rage

is making your forehead wrinkles pop.

Don't look at me!

Is this your card?

No!

Shit. No? Okay, hold on.

Take it off, magic boy!

I did it!

I got the gumbo!

What? How?

Who cares? Give it to me.

Things are happening.

Baby things? Or is it the soup?

The soup is supposed to induce labor.

What? That's not in the song.

Ugh. You must have listened to the radio edit.

All right, who's gonna be my next victim?

I mean, volunteer.

- Me? - What?

Look, you know I could get out of this if I wanted to.

I know, but I needed you to calm down.

Shit was getting out of hand.

I was getting out of hand? LOL. Okay, Hargret.

Listen, I'm sorry.

I didn't know how to bring the new me to our relationship. But...

Oh, yeah, baby, I, I just don't really care about the tickets.

I just got worried.

Like, what do we have to connect over

if we can't even make fun of Clayface's show?

Is this your card?

Is anyone in the audience a doctor?

A marine biologist?

No? What... What about a shark doula?

There, there. Is this soothing?

Do you feel soothed?

Harley! You two are real ones!

I'm so happy you're here.

I'm gonna need you to push.

I am pushing, you sexy top-hatted shitbag!

She is pushing!

I see a fin!

That's eight. Wait, nine's still in there

Push, Mama, push!

I'm not your Mama!

- He's not breathing. - What?

Is this your card?

That's my card!

That's my card!

It is I, the missing piece of your friendship pie.

Save it for your show!

To celebrate this momentous day,

I am gifting these new bebes front row seats to my show.

- Fuck you. - You bitch.

Now, as written in our great sea laws,

the two dykes in closest proximity to the birth shall be the godparents.

Hey, but screw tradition.

Harley and Ivy,

would you do us the honor of being godmothers?

- Fuck yeah! - Of course, we'll be godparents.

Okay, well, I'm gonna jet back under the sea now.

What do you mean?

I wanna co-parent.

We are gonna co-parent.

I'm taking the first born and you can have the rest or whatever.

You took care of me today so I think you'll be an okay Dad.

Peace.

Ive.

- What? Say it. - I shouldn't...

Well, now you... Honey, you've gotta say something now.

Okay? Those sharklings are like fugly.

Oh, my fucking God! Thank you.

I, I'm just so glad I'm not the only full grown asshole.

Mine was, like, wet, but also, like, sticky?

So sticky!

I mean, that one looks like a booger, right?

Oh, my God. This one's just like a pair of googly eyes stuck on a flaccid dong.

He always has his eye on you.

- Or is that his tooth? - Oh, my God.

Yeah, the little one looked like it was old and young

and like, dead and alive, all at the same time.

Like a little baby Benjamin Button with fins.

Yes! Yes!

Ive, I decided to move in with the Bat family.

Whoa, what?

It's just too hard to integrate my new job into my old life.

I need to immerse myself

in pure uncut hero culture

until it becomes second nature.

Yeah. Okay. Go... Go for it.

- Really? - Yeah.

I mean, this is us figuring out how to make

our new jobs work, right?

Just, um, don't take too long.

Mmm.

Oh, I almost forgot!

I picked up a little something at the buffet.

Oh, God, no. This one looks like one of the babies.

Oh, no! It does! The striped one.

Open up.