Original subtitles

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -

So let me get this straight.

You guys are actually mad that I killed Professor Pyg?

We don't kill people.

There's always another way.

You would rather have me stand by

while Nightwing dies a brutal buttless death?

Yes, yes.

Gotham would mourn me and my glistening apple bottom.

But the number one rule in this family is "no killing."

Well, then, that's on you guys for not telling me.

Hmm.

You know, I think it's one of those things

that you never notice until it's pointed out,

and now I can never not notice it, so, my bad.

♪ Don't kill, no killing ♪

♪ Don't kill, no killing ♪

Songs stick in this old bean.

You should have started with the fish.

We're live with the mayor and Poison Ivy.

Girl, what the heck is going on?

Oh, girl.

Um, so I'm, uh, leading an initiative

to replace all the male trees in Gotham with female trees.

Big J, as a male, are you gonna stand for that?

Of course, Tawny.

It's female trees that produce fruit

and free fruit for the people is peachy keen.

But since this is a co-pro with the Legion of Doom,

I'd appreciate a heads-up on what the evil twist is.

Ooh, ooh. I mean, give us the juice with extra pulp.

No twist.

You know, we're just a corporation

endearing itself to the city.

So, whoo!

You can't leave me out of the twist!

I'm the mayor.

Ivy!

Yo!

Ivy's not visiting with spectators.

Nora, it's me, come on, Harley,

the person who convinced you not to get a neck tattoo

that said "queef queen."

I don't see you on the list.

That's a Mama Macaroni's takeout menu.

Wait, garlic nubs are back?

Ivy, Mama Mac's for date night?

Mwah...

What are you d... No, you can't blow kisses to villains.

Why are you even at an LOD event?

I am here romantically, not professionally,

but I've got my crimey eyes wide open, okay?

I just gave a very menacing look

to a guy who almost littered.

I am totally representing the Fam. See?

You have to earn your Bat outfit.

You can't just go buy one at a Halloween store.

Well, this is from a sex shop, okay?

Not okay.

I'm getting texts about you

when we were this close

to luring Drunkula out of his coffin.

You know, this is on us for never properly training you.

Oh, cool, cool, okay.

Am... Am... Am I gonna train with a pack of wolves?

Take a vow of silence and live with monks in the mountains

learning to gossip nonverbally?

I have to be Alfred's assistant?

It's the best way to reshape your Bat instincts.

You'll get to know the Bat Family from the ground up.

I am so excited for you, babe.

Don't you "babe" me.

We gotta go.

Rainbow Raider's taken over the Gotham Candy Expo.

God, that sounds awesome!

To stop.

Don't worry, we'll have plenty of our own excitement here.

Come.

Yeah.

Let's begin by learning the proper way to steep Earl Grey.

I'm Harley fucking Quinn.

There's nothing I can learn from a saggy old butler.

Nora, Harley and I were just making garganelli

and the handle popped off the pasta maker.

Could you just call the company and get it fixed?

Probably not.

Nora.

Why, hello, Nora.

Oh, dear.

That was an intentional goof to liven your spirits.

Bane, do you happen to know any big, strong men

who'd want to help me with a big, strong task?

I do know one. It is me.

Great.

I need you to fix the handle of this pasta maker for Ivy ASAP.

Pasta maker! We meet again!

I will handle it.

Pun intended.

Now that Operation Lady Trees has begun,

let's... Let's discuss the evil twist.

That's the shit I'm talking about.

Wayne Pharmaceuticals has been destroying

baby plants for use in their medications.

So now, we are going to destroy them.

I just got chills down my stem.

Back in the 1930s,

Gotham City only planted male trees

because they didn't drop "gunky girl stuff."

But male trees cause allergies

because they are always jizzing pollen everywhere.

So if we remove all male trees,

we destroy the allergy medicine market

and bankrupt Wayne Pharmaceuticals.

Okay, why not just rain fire down upon them with a bomb?

Volcana, would you please switch seats with Firefly?

Thank you so much. I won't let you down, ma'am.

Wow. Everything's so much bigger and brighter up here.

Oh, God. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Nora, where... Where were we with the rest of the tree removal permits?

The mayor won't approve them.

Something about hating you?

Fucking purple ball sack.

It would be my greatest honor to burn Mayor Joker alive

for you.

Hey, I got a doll thing for a Poison Ivan.

"B... Break... Break the glass ceiling, bitch!"

Jesus, didn't we move past this kind of imagery post Hillary?

"The Evil Women in Business Collective

invites you to its monthly luncheon this afternoon."

EWBC! My girl made it.

No, networking is, like, my personal hell.

Yes, you are going, missy. This is a big-ass deal.

Also, you need some peers who are more at your level.

You... You feel me?

All right, everyone. I have to go, ugh,

accept the support of other women.

Fucking, yes!

Hey, I... I'm King Shark.

I'm gonna be heading up IT.

Me and my mostly platonic wife, Tabitha,

are expecting nine babies any day now.

On a totally unrelated note,

I love parties.

Fine, I'll throw you a baby shower.

A baby shower? For me? Oh.

Uh, sent you the link to my registry.

Come on. No, bad car, bad car.

Now, not to backseat polish,

but remember, upsie downsie then side to sidesie.

Gah!

I don't wanna make tea.

I don't wanna polish silver or de-skin chicken breasts.

Master Bruce liked to smell it.

A little treat without the cholesterol.

I joined the Bat Family to crush skulls and help people.

Not be stuck in a basement with you chicken sniffers.

- Hey, you ready? - Oh, my God, finally. Yes.

Oh, sorry. I was talking to the batarangs.

I see now how I could have phrased that differently.

Ugh.

Can you just sign my time card?

I'm gonna go scream in the shower until EOD.

Cheaters only cheat themselves.

Gah!

Clink, clink, ladies.

I'm Veronica Cale, social chair of EWBC,

and I want to start off by welcoming ourselves

with a round of applause.

All right, enough. Let's not damage those business manis.

It brings me much joy to announce some new faces.

Livewire, Meg Whitman

and Poison Ivy, the first lady CEO of the Legion of Doom.

I'd like to give some welcome back snaps to Talia al Ghul,

who missed our last decade of luncheons

and my wedding

while she was attending to business in the Middle East.

"Attending to business"

is code for overthrowing foreign governments.

Hmm. If you look in your tote bags,

you'll see I've brought you bizfluencer samples

of my company's new youth serum, Lazaru.

And my business card.

Call me if the burning doesn't stop.

Ow. Razor-sharp edges.

Ooh, here come the salads.

So, Ivy, sounds like you're crushing it at the LOD.

Oh, um, you know,

everything's not fully crushed yet.

I think I'm gonna have to kill the mayor.

You know, he's a real, real thorn in my side.

Plant humor. Look at you.

Killing a low-level politician is never worth the effort.

I still have central air issues in my Maldives condo

despite beheading four consecutive HOA presidents.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not... I'm not letting Joker in on my plan, so...

Mayor Joker is a miserable cockroach scouring your kitchen floor.

All he needs is a crumb to make him feel important.

He'll still be a roach.

But he'll be your roach.

More rose?

Does everyone need my approval on everything?

Just pour.

Actually, do you have a... A... A Cab Sav kind of...

Rose is an outdoor wine.

Right? I know. I was like, "What am I, on a picnic over here?"

Ugh, time to deal with the reason I came back to Gotham.

My real number. Call me anytime.

I swear to God, if that's another box of linens I have to iron...

Open up, Alfred.

Well, who is that cashmere goddess?

Oh, lovely.

Talia al Ghul.

Eons ago, when Bruce and I were entangled...

... in our passionate love affair,

he appointed me conservator of Wayne Enterprises.

He's in jail. The stock plummeted.

So, here I am.

Oh, wow. You smell like those expensive pears wrapped in foil.

Bruce's vigilante cosplay hobby

has pulled funds from important ventures

like creating shell companies that control shell companies

that fund wars that determine world politics.

So from now on,

all of your Bat bullshit goes through me.

And there will be cuts.

Thanks, but I've got everything under control here.

Actually, I've got everything under control.

Think of me as your new Bat Daddy.

Hello. Harley Quinn, new member.

Do you have the power to approve people for active Bat duty?

No.

Ugh!

Were the scones not perfect?

What else do you want from me?

Harley, you still have a lot to learn.

Will you be taking care of your son now that you've returned?

Yes.

Where is my handsome baby boy, huh?

I'm right here, Mother.

Damian? Out of diapers already?

How long has it been?

Benicio's going to be so jealous

I got to sit in the LOD box.

You know, he leads his rec team in assists.

Like a young John Stockton.

Oh, yeah. I, like, love, like, hooping.

You know, just, like, looking at the ball and, like...

So, circling back

about this whole, like, permit snafu...

Um, about your plan's evil twist?

Oh, well, obviously, like, I can't tell you everything,

but...

If the mayor's office approves the permits,

we can replace every male tree by Wednesday and then we'll...

Wednesday, of course.

Hit 'em in the middle of the week.

So evil.

God, it feels good to be on the inside again.

Here.

Happy to play my part in your devilish scheme.

On Wednesday.

The tagline is "Your mailman will appreciate it!"

to encourage people to ship more

by preying on their love of their mailman.

One moment.

The cockroach gave me the permits.

Sorry, who is this?

Oh, sorry. Um, this... It's... It's Ivy.

I'm fucking with you, Ivy.

Of course it worked.

He'll never notice you've got your hand so far up his ass

that you're playing his vocal chords like an upright bass.

Thank you, Talia, seriously, I d...

You know, I almost didn't come to that fucking luncheon?

Because of the dollhouse?

Yes, because of the d... It was so...

An embarrassing display of outdated third-wave feminism?

Okay, so, exactly.

The EWBC women aren't intellectuals,

but they've all succeeded in the world of men.

I respect that. And the tote bags are fun.

I have to go. But let's revel

in the power of this conversation for at least one deep breath.

I hate it. You're all fired.

Clean this up.

Gah! Out of my way, Alfred!

I finished my chores and now I'm off to fight crime.

Step aside or I'll have to fuck you up.

I wish a bitch would try.

Ah! Why?

Miss Harley. I understand why Master Wayne chose you,

but the other people in this manor

don't do well with impulsivity.

You have to show you can do things their way.

Be a bitch.

Yeah, I tried that

and I just got maced with all-surface cleaner.

Yes, but I'm talking about B-I-T-C-H.

Breathe. Identify the problem.

Tea break. Consider your options.

Handle it.

BITCH.

I use it when I'm deciding whether or not

to give the long goodbye to any of Master Bruce's unsuitable paramours.

Huh. Just be a bitch.

Thanks, Alfie. Wait a minute.

Didn't you say shortcuts are the same as cheating?

Are you dying?

In a way.

Talia is on the brink of firing me.

And who can blame her?

My work has lost meaning with Master Bruce in jail.

But don't worry about me.

This old goat always lands on his feet.

If you die, can I have your watch?

There's the CEO with the Most-EO.

Ready for date night?

- Mwah. - Wait a minute.

Did you just have two vegan Guardsmen dogs

with relish and a side of shoestring potatoes?

I'm sorry, but I had to go to a game

because my new business friend said it would fix my permit problems.

And honestly, babe, it did.

You made a business friend? Ives, this is huge. Aw!

Uh, I know...

Wait a minute.

Did you eat a brisket burrito extra guac, no salsa?

Busted.

This conservator lady from Wayne Enterprises,

Talia something, bought us a bunch of burritos.

Hang on, Talia runs Wayne Enterprises?

Shit. Shit.

It's just, there's a conflict of interest in...

You know, I... I don't know.

It's more of, like, a villain thing. I...

Okay.

Let me help kick some ideas around.

You got a whiteboard up in here?

No, honey. Remember, we can't help each other work. You d...

But thank you. I... I just...

I... I'll meet you back at home, okay?

Right. No prob.

Yeah, I'll just draw a bath and text some funny GIFs to my work friend.

Wh... Frank, what do I do?

First, I recommend not waking me up when I'm in REM,

and second, what do you do about what?

"Derived from young ginseng"?

Ugh! Never mind. I'm good.

I'm not. You woke me up for nothing!

You damn near uprooted me!

Huh?

♪ Mozzarella linguine ♪

♪ Pe-pe-paroni, ca-ta-to ♪

We'll be with you, presto.

Hi.

Hello, yes.

Cool and normal.

Achoo!

Excuse me. Seasonal allergies.

What size pacifier would you recommend for a 12-year-old boy?

What?

All right. Haul it away, boys.

That there's the last male tree in the city.

She did what?

Huh? I can breathe.

I'm me again!

Won't be needing this anymore.

Hey, hey. We don't need any more.

Well, the man-shark of the hour.

Congrats on your impending little one.

I can't believe

my brand new coworkers threw me this thoughtful party

without any prompting at all.

Oh, Nora.

So what do you think of the shower and the person who planned it?

Damn your thoughtful touches, Bane!

Did I hear

- you're responsible for this fete? - Yeah.

Captain Cold.

- "Ice" to meet you. - Nora.

Ooh, your hand is freezing.

Curse the warm blood in my veins.

Grazie for holding. Be with you, presto.

I must take matters...

... into my own hands.

Yes. Hello, AirClegg?

I demand one ticket to Italia, presto.

Yes, I can hold.

You should tighten up security.

I walked right in.

Jesus, you have a soft step.

If I knew I was going to be stabbed in the back today,

I would not have worn cashmere.

I'm sorry.

Actually, no.

I'm only sorry that I said sorry.

You tanked my fucking company.

Voila.

I might finally be operating with someone on my level.

Wait a minute.

So, you're not mad?

I'm furious.

Which, like all feelings, is a temporary state

and generally leads to innovation.

Here. A token of my respect.

Cannot believe we're taking Nightwing's boots to be reheeled

when you should be baking a file into a scone for Bruce.

Well, let's put that aside for now.

I want to see if you can take that corner at 60 miles per hour.

Are you nuts?

That is definitely against Bat Fam rules.

Following rules is like folding a fitted sheet.

Sometimes you do it.

But other times, you stuff it in a drawer and say, "Close enough."

You're a real crumpet, Alfie, you know that?

Floor it, Miss Harley.

Whoo!

Ha!

My, it's getting nippy.

Friendship beanies.

Okay, last errand.

I just have to put a gun in a safe deposit box.

- Back in a jiff. - See ya, loser.

Love ya, Ive. Damn, my lady makes a juicy plum.

Hey, same hat. We're hat twins.

Ugh, okay? Uh, rude.

Wait a minute. BITCH.

B, breathe.

I, identify the problem.

Talia's on the brink of firing me.

I want to see if you can take that corner at 60 miles per hour.

I just have to put a gun in a safe deposit box.

Alfred Pennyworth, you sneaky little minx.

You're robbing a bank!

And I'm the getaway driver, ah!

T, tea break.

Damn, this is perfectly steeped.

C, consider your options.

H, time to handle this shit.

Would you be so kind as to add a few more thousand to my attache?

The jig is up, Alfred. Drop the gun.

I'm afraid I can't do that.

Well, I can't let you rob a freakin' bank.

I'm calling for backup.

I will not be stopped.

Desperate times call for desperate...

Hey, look over there.

Why are you doing this?

Alfred, stop!

Necktie, now!

Stop! What the hell are you doing?

- I was just... - You traitor. You robbed a bank?

I did indeed. Take me away.

Harley, I'd never expect you to rat on a friend.

But that kind of clear, decisive thinking

is exactly what hero instincts are.

You're back on the team.

Wow. And all I had to do was narc

on the only person who's been supportive of me?

Why didn't you tell me earlier?

You've earned your Bat outfit.

Snitches get stitches.

You guys, it's gorge!

Wait till Ivy sees me in this, which she won't.

Not in a personal sex situation,

only in an impersonal work situation, of course.

Bye, bitch.

Oh, dear, wrinkle. That won't do.

Gramps, if you fold that tea towel one more time,

your neck can kiss your head goodbye.

My apologies.

I'm just trying to fold it exactly how Master Bruce prefers it

for our big reunion.

This isn't Blackgate.

Blackgate's for people with stock portfolios.

Everyone else has to go through

the "social rehabilitation" program at New Arkham.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Leave your tea towels on the van.

Oh, dear.

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -