All language subtitles for Grace & Favour S01E05-Good Help is Hard to Find

( theme music playing )

( clanging )

I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU
NOT TO BANG THAT GONG!

THAT'S THE FIRE ALARM!

IS THERE SOME EMERGENCY
ONE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?

I'M CALLING A MEETING.

WE MUST DISCUSS
THE STAFF SITUATION.

WE HAVE A PHOTOGRAPHER
COMING AT 6:00

TO TAKE A PHOTOGRAPH
OF THE STAFF,

AND WE HAVEN'T GOT ANY.

MR. RUMBOLD, WHAT WAS
ALL THAT NOISE ABOUT?

YES, WHAT WAS ALL
THAT BONGING GOING ON?

I WAS TRYING TO SUMMON YOU ALL.

MR. RUMBOLD, MISS BRAHMS
AND I WERE HAVING A LIE DOWN.

IN FUTURE, WE WOULD
LIKE TO BE FOREWARNED

IF WE'RE GOING TO BE
BONGED IN OUR REST PERIOD.

- AH, MR. HUMPHRIES,
ARE YOU FREE?
- I'M FREE.

I'VE JUST BEEN SETTING THE
MOUSETRAPS IN THE KITCHEN.

DO YOU KNOW, A MOUSE
POPPED HIS HEAD OUT OF A HOLE,

CLEANED ITS WHISKERS,
AND THEN, AS BOLD AS BRASS,

CHEWED ON A BIT OF CHEDDAR
AND DASHED INTO THE DADO?

I HATE TRAPS. I
THINK THEY'RE CRUEL.

I'LL PUT MY PUSSY IN
FRONT OF THE HOLE,

AND NEXT TIME HE COMES
OUT, HE'LL GET A NASTY SHOCK.

HE'LL PROBABLY MOVE NEXT DOOR.

HEH. PROBABLY HURL
ITSELF ONTO THE TRAP.

NOW, LOOK, WE HAVE A STAFF
PHOTOGRAPH ARRANGED FOR 6:00

AND SO FAR, WE
HAVEN'T GOT ANY STAFF.

WHAT'S MUCH MORE IMPORTANT IS THAT WE HAVE
A PARTY OF AMERICANS ARRIVING TOMORROW,

AND THEY'RE GOING TO PAY MORE
THAN £1,500 FOR THE WEEKEND.

YEAH, AND WE WANT THE LOLLY.

MORE THAN THAT, I'M
SURE WE'RE ALL AGREED,

WE DON'T WANT TO
DISAPPOINT THEM.

NOW, THEY'RE ON A TOUR, YOU SEE?

OF ALL THE OLD RUINS OF ENGLAND.

WELL, IF YOU ASK ME,

MOST OF 'EM ARE SITTIN' HERE.

I DON'T LIKE THAT MAN.

HE'S DEAD UNCOUTH.

NOW, LOOK, I HAVE HERE

SOME OF THE OLD
BROCHURES FOR THE HOTEL.

NOW, YOU SEE ON THE FRONT PAGE,

THERE'S A PHOTOGRAPH OF THE
STAFF THAT WERE HERE BEFORE.

BEFORE YOU SACKED THEM?

COULDN'T AFFORD
TO PAY THEM ANYHOW.

OH, LOOK, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

THERE'S A WAITER HERE
LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU.

HE LOOKS ALL HAUGHTY AND OLD.

I'M NOT BEING A WAITER, IF
THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE HINTING AT.

HE HAS A VERY
DISTINGUISHED MOUSTACHE,

SUCH AS WHAT YOU HAVE.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

HE'S NOT JUST A WAITER.

HE'S THE HEADWAITER.

- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
- CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

HEADWAITER IS A POSITION
OF ENORMOUS POWER.

YOU SEE, A LOT OF THAT GOES ON.

SHOULDN'T I BE THE HEADWAITER?

THAT IS FOR THE TIPS.

YEAH, THEM YANKS ARE VERY BIG

ON THAT SORT OF THING.

OH, YES. THEY WERE VERY GENEROUS

DURING THE WAR.

IF THERE WAS ANYTHING
YOU COULDN'T GET,

YOU COULD RELY ON
THEM TO GIVE IT TO YOU.

IT APPEARS FROM THIS PHOTOGRAPH

THAT THERE ARE TWO CHAMBERMAIDS.

AH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

THEY'RE NOT JUST CHAMBERMAIDS.

THEY ALSO FULFILL THE IMPORTANT
FUNCTION OF WAITRESSES!

WELL, I'M NOT BEING A
CHAMBERMAID AND THAT'S FINAL.

MISS BRAHMS IS QUITE RIGHT.

WE ARE RETIRED SALESPERSONS,

SPECIALIZING IN LADIES'
INTIMATE APPAREL.

WE DO NOT SEE OURSELVES
CREEPING UNDER BEDS,

PULLING OUT PO'S.

YES, AND I'M UNANIMOUS IN THAT.

MRS. SLOCOMBE,

NOWADAYS WE DON'T HAVE
CHINA RECEPTACLES UNDER BEDS.

WE HAVE BATHROOMS EN SUITE.

YOU WOULD BE MORE IN THE NATURE
OF LADIES OF THE BEDCHAMBER.

WELL, THAT SOUNDS A BIT BETTER.

AND YOU'D GET DOUBLE TIPS.

WE'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

NOW, MR. HUMPHRIES,

THE BARMAN LOOKS
RIGHT UP YOUR STREET.

I HAVEN'T BEEN UP
THAT PARTICULAR STREET

FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

I LIKE THE JACKET.

YES, THEY MAKE A SPECIAL FEATURE

OF HIM IN THE BROCHURE.

YES. OH, HERE.

"OUR BARMAN, LUIGI,

IS RENOWNED FOR HIS COCKTAILS

FROM MONTE CARLO TO BIARRITZ.

BE SURE TO TRY HIS DAIQUIRI."

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

IT'S A RUM COCKTAIL,
MR. HUMPHRIES.

AND IT GOES ON...

"AND DON'T LEAVE
WITHOUT SAMPLING

HIS OWN INVENTION,
A 'ZOMBIE SURPRISE"

THE CENTRAL FEATURE OF WHICH

IS A WHOLE FROZEN BANANA."

THAT'S ENOUGH TO
SURPRISE ANY ZOMBIE.

I SUPPOSE IT GOES WITHOUT
SAYING, MR. RUMBOLD,

THAT YOU ARE THE STOUT
BALD-HEADED MANAGER

WHO'S PLONKED HIMSELF RIGHT IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE PHOTOGRAPH.

I AM PREPARED TO
UNDERTAKE THAT POSITION,

IN LIEU OF ANYBODY ELSE.

DO YOU GET TIPS AS WELL?

I BELIEVE THAT'S NOT UNCOMMON.

IT WOULD SEEM TO ME MOST UNFAIR

THAT MRS. SLOCOMBE
AND MISS BRAHMS,

AS WAITRESSES AND
LADIES OF THE BEDCHAMBER,

SHOULD GET TWICE THE AMOUNT

THAT MR. HUMPHRIES AND I GET

IN OUR SINGULAR CAPACITIES.

WITH RESPECT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

I DON'T IMAGINE THAT WAITRESSES

WILL GET AS BIG A
TIP AS WHAT YOU WILL

AS HEADWAITER.

NO, I CAN'T SEE EITHER OF US

GETTING A BIG ONE
IN THE BEDCHAMBER.

CAN'T SEE MUCH COMING
TO ME OVER THE BAR.

AT LEAST YOU'RE IN WITH A CHANCE

WITH YOUR ZOMBIE SURPRISE.

MAY I SUGGEST, THE
BEST THING WOULD BE

IF WE ALL PUT OUR
TIPS INTO A BOX.

THEY CALL IT, "THE TRONK,"

AND THEN, AT THE END OF THE
WEEK, WE SHARE THEM ALL OUT.

AND THOSE DOING TWO
JOBS GET TWICE AS MUCH.

NOT AT ALL, NO.

THEY ONLY DO EACH
JOB FOR HALF THE TIME.

WELL, THE IMMEDIATE WORRY
IS THE PHOTOGRAPH AT 6:00.

I SUGGEST WE ALL GET READY.

OH, MR. HUMPHRIES,
YOU DO LOOK SMART.

THAT'S LUIGI'S OLD
JACKET, ISN'T IT?

YES. DUE TO THE STAFF SHORTAGE,

WE HAVE TO TAKE OVER THEIR ROLES

FOR THE PHOTOGRAPH.
I'M THE BARMAN.

WELL, YOU'VE CERTAINLY
GOT THE FIGURE FOR IT.

THANK YOU. UNFORTUNATELY,
MR. LUIGI'S GOT

SOME OF HIS ZOMBIE
SURPRISE ON THE FRONT.

COME HERE, I'LL SEE
IF I CAN RUB IT OFF.

'E WAS ALWAYS GETTIN'
DIRTY, WAS MR. LUIGI.

MIND YOU, 'E WAS QUITE
POPULAR WITH THE GIRLS.

POPULAR WITH THE MEN AN' ALL.

'E WAS WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL

AN "ALL-ROUNDER."

EXPECT YOU'LL BE THE SAME.

WELL, I DO KNOW HOW
TO GET ON WITH PEOPLE.

YOU WATCH YOUR
STEP WITH THE GIRLS

OR YOU'LL BE MAKIN' ME JEALOUS.

BY THE WAY, I TOLD MY DAD

I WAS SLEEPIN' IN YOUR BED.

YOU DIDN'T! DID...

- HE DIDN'T GIVE YOU
THE STRAP, DID HE?
- NO.

'E SAID I WAS TO KEEP
TO MY SIDE O' THE BED,

AND GIVE YOU PLENTY OF ROOM.

HE'S ALWAYS THINKIN'
OF OTHER PEOPLE, IS DAD.

I EXPECT I'LL GET USED

TO THESE COUNTRY
WAYS, EVENTUALLY.

AND 'E SAID IF WE WERE COLD,

WE COULD GET ANOTHER
BLANKET OUT OF THE CUPBOARD.

YOU KNOW, MAVIS,
BETWEEN YOU AND ME,

THERE'S BEEN A LOT
OF EYEBROWS RAISED

OVER YOU AND I SHARING A BED.

WELL, WHERE DO THEY EXPECT
ME TO SLEEP? ON THE FLOOR?

MIND YA, I WILL IF
YOU'RE NOT COMFY.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

I KNOW I'VE BEEN A BIT TENSE

THESE LAST COUPLE
OF NIGHTS, BUT,

I THINK I'M GETTING
THE HANG OF IT.

IT'S NICE TO HAVE A PAL

TO CHAT TO IN BED, ISN'T IT?

IT CERTAINLY IS, INDEED.

OH, AND IN AN OLD,
CREAKY HOUSE LIKE THIS,

THERE'S LOTS OF
NOISES IN THE NIGHT.

YES, I EXPECT THERE ARE.

SOMETIMES MY HAIR STANDS ON END.

DOES IT?

DAD SAYS IT'S NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.

IT'S JUST THE SUPERNATURAL.

YOU JUST GIVE ME A NUDGE

IF ANYTHING MAKES
YOURS STAND ON END.

OH.

I DON'T REALLY WANT
TO WORRY YOU AS WELL.

IT'S NO GOOD US BOTH
BEING FRIGHTENED, IS IT?

AH, MR. HUMPHRIES,

YOU'RE READY FOR THE PHOTOGRAPH.

I WAS JUST CLEANING 'IM UP.

OFF YOU GO THEN, MR. 'UMPHRIES,

AND 'AVE YOUR PHOTO TOOK.

AND DON'T FORGET TO GIVE 'EM

THAT BIG SMILE O' YOURS.

OOH-HO!

OH, HE'S A ONE, ISN'T HE?

WELL, HE USED TO BE.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

UNFORTUNATELY, MY PREDECESSOR

WAS RATHER SHORTER THAN I AM.

SO, IN ORDER TO ATTACH

THE STIFF SHIRT FRONT
TO THE TROUSERS,

I HAVE TO BEND
FORWARD LIKE THIS.

IF I STAND UP STRAIGHT,

WE HAVE THE FOLLOWING RESULT:

IT'S LIKE BEING HIT
UNDER THE CHIN

BY AN EXPRESS ROLLER BLIND.

WELL, YOUR DICKEY'S TOO SHORT.

MY GRANDDADDY USED
TO HAVE THAT TROUBLE.

HIS USED TO POP UP EVERY TIME
HE WENT TO THE ODDFELLOWS.

I'M SURE WE CAN MAKE DO
WITH IT FOR THE PICTURE.

THE PHOTOGRAPHER'S HERE.

WE'LL HAVE EVERYBODY IN A GROUP

ON THE STAIRS, MR. MAXWELL.

- RIGHT.
- ARE THE STAFF READY?

I... WELL, WE HAVE HAD
SLIGHT STAFF PROBLEMS.

WE DECIDED TO FILL THE
VACANCIES OURSELVES.

WELL, AS LONG AS WE
GET A GOOD PICTURE.

WHERE ARE THE WAITRESSES?

Rumbold: THEY'RE
COMING DOWN NOW.

THESE SKIRTS ARE RIDICULOUS.

I SHALL CERTAINLY
HAVE TO LET MINE DOWN.

LUCKILY I HAVE THE LEGS FOR IT.

THIS PICTURE WILL BE
CIRCULATED ALL OVER AMERICA.

MADONNA'LL HAVE TO WATCH OUT.

OH, WHAT ABOUT THE HALL PORTER?

AH, I'VE HAD TO TAKE A
TEMPORARY MEASURE THERE.

I FEEL A RIGHT TURNIP IN THIS.

IT'S ONLY FOR THE
PICTURE, MR. MOULTERD.

I SUPPOSE YOU
ALL LOOK ALL RIGHT.

I'M AFRAID I'VE GOT TO DASH.

MR. RUMBOLD, I'M
SURE I CAN LEAVE YOU

TO ORGANIZE A NICE GROUP.

I'M SORRY I HAVE TO GO.

GOODBYE.

PAY ATTENTION, EVERYBODY.

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A
PHOTOGRAPH OF OURSELVES

TAKEN BY MR. MAXWELL.

WELL, HOW DO YOU WANT US?

LET'S SEE. I THINK WE'LL...

BUILD UP THE PICTURE.

WELL, I HOPE IT DON'T TAKE LONG.

THERE'S HENS TO
FEED AN' COWS TO MILK.

AND THE SOW'S
WAITIN' TO BE SERVICED

BY THE BOAR FROM THE NEXT FARM.

I'M SURE HE WON'T MIND
WAITING FOR A MINUTE OR TWO.

NO, HE WON'T, BUT SHE WILL.

SHE'S THAT KEEN,

SHE CLIMBS IN THE
WHEELBARROW HERSELF.

COULD WE NOT DISCUSS

THESE LURID DETAILS
AT SOME OTHER TIME?

YES. MRS. SLOCOMBE, MISS BRAHMS,

COULD YOU TRY SITTING
ON THE, UH, FIFTH STAIR?

THE SIGHTS YOU SEE

WHEN YOU AIN'T GOT YOUR GUN!

DO WE HAVE TO SIT
IN THIS POSITION?

WELL, IT'S JUST TO ILLUSTRATE

THE SORT OF SERVICES
WE'RE OFFERING.

IN THAT CASE, I
SHOULD SIT SIDESADDLE.

PERHAPS WE WOULD
BE ON SAFER GROUND

IF YOU STOOD UP.

STAND TO EITHER
SIDE OF THE STAIR.

THAT'LL BE BETTER.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

COME AND STAND BETWEEN THEM.

MR. HUMPHRIES, COME AND STAND

AT THE END BY THE BANISTER.

I THINK IT WOULD BE BETTER

WITHOUT THE HAND ON THE KNOB.

SHOULDN'T I BE HOLDING
A ZOMBIE SURPRISE?

I DON'T THINK SO, MR. HUMPHRIES.

MR. MOULTERD, COME AND
STAND ON THE OTHER SIDE,

OPPOSITE MR. HUMPHRIES,

AND I'LL STAND IN THE MIDDLE.

YOU STAND THERE AND 90%

OF MY POSITION OF
POWER WILL BE OBSCURED.

WELL, MOVE UP ONE!

HOW'S THAT, MR. MAXWELL?

CAPTAIN PEACOCK'S HEAD

IS OUT OF THE TOP
OF THE PICTURE.

OH, WELL THAT WON'T DO.

MOVE DOWN ONE.
I'LL SIT ON A CHAIR.

MR. MOULTERD, COULD WE
HAVE THE CHAIR OVER HERE?

- THAT'S IT.
- HERE Y' ARE, MR. RUMBLES.

THANK YOU, THAT'S
IT. NOW, I'LL SIT THERE.

THAT'S BETTER.

NOW I CAN ONLY SEE THE TOP
OF YOUR HEAD, MR. RUMBOLD.

COME AND STAND
UP HERE, BESIDE ME.

IT'S A BIT CROWDED. CAN
THE LADIES HOLD THEIR POSE?

I THOUGHT I MADE IT QUITE CLEAR

WE'RE NOT GOING TO DO
ANYTHING OF THE SORT.

OH.

ALL SMILE.

MR. RUMBOLD?

MR. MOULTERD LOOKS AS
THOUGH HE'S ADVERTISING

"ONE FLEW OVER
THE CUCKOO'S NEST."

YES, MR. MOULTERD.
COULD WE HAVE LESS TEETH?

WHICH SET D'YOU
WANT? TOP OR BOTTOM?

JUST A WRY SMILE, MR. MOULTERD.

WRY SM... HOW DOES THAT GO?

OH, SHOW HIM, MR. HUMPHRIES.

IF I DO THAT,

I'LL BE THE TALK OF THE VILLAGE.

IMAGINE YOU'RE LOOKING

AT THE SOW WITH THE BOAR.

CAN'T DO THAT!

IT'S PRIVATE!

PERHAPS IT'D BE
BETTER IF MR. MOULTERD

LOOKED KEEN AND INTELLIGENT?

WHAT? BOTH TOGETHER?

OH, LOOK, MR. MAXWELL,

TRY ONE, PERHAPS
WE'LL GET LUCKY.

I'LL LET A FLOOD OF EMOTION

PASS OVER ME FACE

AND YOU TELL ME WHEN TO STOP.

STOP!

RIGHT, NOW, EVERYBODY SMILE...

EXCEPT MR. MOULTERD.

RIGHT, READY? HOLD IT...

OH!

MY DICKEY'S HIT MY CHIN AGAIN.

OH, I'M SORRY I MISSED THAT!

OH, HELLO, MAVIS.
WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

OH, THEY'RE 'AVIN'
THEIR PHOTOS TOOK.

WHAT ON EARTH FOR?

WELL, THEY COULDN'T
GET NO STAFF,

SO THEY'RE 'AVIN'
TO STAND IN FOR 'EM.

SOUNDS LIKE A
RECIPE FOR DISASTER.

WHY DIDN'T THEY ASK ME?

WELL, I THINK THEY THINK YOU'RE
ABOVE ALL THAT SORT OF THING.

YOU HAVIN' PRIVATE
QUARTERS ABOVE THE STABLES,

AND YOU KNOWIN'
MR. GRACE SO WELL.

YES, I EXPECT THEY'RE JEALOUS.

WELL, THERE'S A BIT OF THAT.

BUT NOT CAP'N PEACOCK.

I SEEN HIM OGLING YOU.

I'M AFRAID MEN ARE ALL THE SAME.

NO. MR. HUMPHRIES IS DIFFERENT.

YES, I'VE NOTICED.

I'M GLAD THEY'VE DECIDED TO DO
SOMETHING ABOUT THE STAFF PROBLEM.

IT'LL BE NICE TO GET SOME
SERVICE AROUND HERE.

AND ONE LAST PICTURE. HOLD IT!

- THANK YOU.
- THANK YOU,
MR. MAXWELL.

WE SHALL BE LOOKING
FORWARD TO SEEING THE PRINTS.

CAN I GET OUT O'
THIS MONKEY SUIT?

BEFORE MR. MOULTERD
GOES, DON'T YOU THINK

WE SHOULD HAVE A
PLAN OF CAMPAIGN

AS TO WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS

WHEN THE GUESTS ARRIVE?

THAT'S A VERY GOOD
IDEA, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I WAS ABOUT TO SUGGEST IT.

OH, YOU ALL LOOK RATHER GOOD.

I'M SURPRISED YOU DIDN'T
ASK ME TO GIVE YOU A HAND.

WE DIDN'T THINK YOU'D
BE GOOD AT ANYTHING.

I HARDLY THINK MISS LOVELOCK

WILL HAVE HAD ANY PRACTICAL
EXPERIENCE IN A HOTEL.

AND I THINK SHE'LL HAVE HAD

MOST OF HER
EXPERIENCE IN AN HOTEL.

OF COURSE, I HAVEN'T
ACTUALLY BEEN ON THE STAFF.

BUT AS MR. GRACE'S
COMPANION, I'VE BEEN A GUEST

IN SOME OF THE BEST
HOTELS IN THE WORLD.

I'M MORE THAN QUALIFIED TO SAY

IF YOU'RE UP TO STANDARD OR NOT.

PERHAPS WE SHOULD LET MISS
LOVELOCK ACT, AS IT WERE, AS A GUEST.

GIVE US A CHANCE TO
IRON OUT ANY WRINKLES

- BEFORE THE REAL GUESTS ARRIVE.
- I SHOULD BE DELIGHTED.

AND I THINK WE COULD
UNDERTAKE TO IMPLEMENT

ANY SUGGESTIONS
THAT YOU MAY HAVE.

GOOD! WHERE DO WE START?

WELL, LET'S MAKE IT AS
REALISTIC AS POSSIBLE.

AND ANY COMMENTS, MISS
LOVELOCK, DON'T HOLD BACK!

I TAKE IT, YOU'RE THE MANAGER?

- YES, OF COURSE.
- THEN I SUGGEST YOU
POLISH YOUR SHOES

BEFORE YOUR GUESTS ARRIVE.

SHE DIDN'T HOLD
THAT BACK, DID SHE?

YES, WELL, THAT WAS A VERY
GOOD COMMENT. I SHALL SEE TO IT.

BELLBOY! MAKE SURE YOU POLISH
THESE SHOES BETTER IN FUTURE.

DON'T YOU START ON ME!

I'M JUST HERE FOR THE PHOTO.

MR. MOULTERD, WE'RE ALL DOING

OUR BEST TO FILL IN
FOR THE TIME BEING.

YES, IT'S ONLY TEMPORARY.

IF YOU COULD SEE YOUR WAY

TO HELPING US, MR. MOULTERD?

WELL, I DON'T MIND, BUT
THAT BOAR'LL BE OVER HERE

IF SHE DON'T ARRIVE SOON.

SHE'LL BE PAST HER DO-BY DATE.

LET'S ASSUME
YOU'VE JUST ARRIVED.

OVER TO YOU, MISS LOVELOCK.

GET MY BAGS OUT
OF THE CAR, PLEASE.

I'LL SEND THE
BELLBOY IMMEDIATELY.

MOULTERD! BAGS OUT OF CAR.

"PLEASE" WOULD'VE BEEN NICE.

CAN'T EXPECT ANY POLITENESS
FROM A BLOKE LIKE YOU.

I AM CUTHBERT
RUMBOLD, THE MANAGER.

WELCOME TO MILLSTONE MANOR.

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE THE STAFF.

THIS IS STEPHEN, OUR HEADWAITER.

WOULD YOU CARE FOR THE MENU?

DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE THAT
TROUBLE WITH YOUR DICKEY?

THIS IS LUIGI, OUR
INTERNATIONAL BARMAN.

( faking Italian accent ) I GOTTA
EVERYTHING YOU WANNA.

I MAKE-A DA SHORT DRINKS,
I MAKE-A DA LONG DRINKS,

I SHAKE-A DA COCKTAILS.

YOU SOUND LIKE AN
ITALIAN GRACIE FIELDS.

SORRY TO INTERRUPT,
BUT THERE AIN'T NO BAGS,

AND THERE AIN'T NO CAR.

JUST IMAGINE YOU'RE BRINGING
THEM IN, MR. MOULTERD!

WHAT SHOULD I IMAGINE,

BIG BAGS OR LITTLE BAGS?

OH, PLEASE YOURSELF.

NOW, THIS IS SHIRLEY,

AND THIS IS BETTY.

ARE THESE THE SKIVVIES?

WE ARE WAITRESSES

AND LADIES OF THE BEDCHAMBER.

YES, AND WE GET DOUBLE BUBBLE.

I DON'T THINK OLDER WOMEN
SHOULD WEAR SUCH SHORT SKIRTS.

AND I THINK YOUNGER WOMEN

SHOULD WATCH WHAT THEY'RE SAYING

OR THEY'RE LIABLE TO GET A
BUNCH OF FIVES UP THEIR HOOTER.

DARLING, I'M ONLY DOING
THIS TO BE HELPFUL.

"THE BELLS, THE BELLS!"

MR. MOULTERD!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

BRINGIN' IN THE BAGS!

A BIG BAG AN' A LITTLE BAG.

WELL, IF YOU ASK ME, THE LESS THE
GUESTS SEE OF THE STAFF, THE BETTER,

SO, NO INTRODUCTIONS.

I'LL BE HAPPY TO TAKE OVER THE
RECEPTION AND DO THE WELCOMING.

HANDS UP, THOSE WHO'D LIKE MISS
LOVELOCK TO DO THE WELCOMING?

HANDS UP, THOSE WHO'D
LIKE MISS LOVELOCK

TO GET THE SACK?

I THINK WE SHOULD
ABIDE BY HER DECISION.

AFTER ALL, SHE HAS BEEN
IN THE INTERNATIONAL SET.

HMM, AND NO DOUBT, VICE VERSA.

LOOK, THIS NEEDS
PROPER ORGANIZATION.

THE PORTER'S HOPELESS. YOU
BE THE PORTER, MR. RUMBOLD.

- WHAT?! ME?
- YES, YOU.

I... I... I MUST PROTEST.

I THOUGHT WE TOOK IT AS AGREED

THAT MISS LOVELOCK'S
DECISION IS FINAL.

WELL, WHO'S GONNA DO MY JOB?

SOMEONE WITH
CHARM AND AUTHORITY.

WELL, I'M QUITE HAPPY
BEING THE BARMAN.

I WAS REFERRING
TO CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

HEH, HEH.

YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES,
WILL BE THE HEADWAITER.

- WITHOUT THE DICKEY.
- I PREFER IT THAT WAY.

WELL, WHO'S GONNA DO THE BAR?!

MISS BRAHMS HAS THE
LOOKS FOR A BARMAID.

RIGHT, I'LL DO THE
BAR. YOU'RE BANNED.

WELL, THAT SEEMS TO
LEAVE ME WITHOUT A POSITION.

WELL, YOU CAN DO THE BEDROOMS,

BE A WAITRESS,
HELP IN THE KITCHEN,

AND FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE
TRY AND KEEP OUT OF SIGHT.

IF YOU NEED ANY MORE
DECISIONS, JUST LET ME KNOW.

I DO THINK THAT WAS CRUEL.

I THOUGHT I LOOKED RATHER NICE.

( mumbling )

THE ROTTEN BITCH!

DON'T UPSET YOURSELF,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.

RIGHT HERE, AND SHE
GOT RIGHT UP MY NOSE!

SHE WAS ONLY
TRYING TO BE HELPFUL.

WOMEN OF MY AGE OUGHTN'T
TO BE WORKING AT ALL...

SOMEBODY HAD TO WIN THE WAR.

WE ASKED FOR HER
OPINIONS, AND WE GOT THEM.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, I DON'T
MIND BEING A WAITRESS

AND SWEEPING UNDER THE BEDS.

HERE YA ARE, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
HERE'S SOME BRANDY.

SAY "WHEN."

I HAVEN'T SAID "WHEN."

OH, THANK YOU, MISS BRAHMS.

IS SHE UPSET ABOUT SUMMAT?

SHE WANTED A MORE
IMPORTANT POSITION.

COR, I AIN'T SEEN HER
THAT UPSET SINCE 1942,

WHEN SHE THOUGHT I'D
PUT HER IN THE FAMILY WAY.

I'LL KILL HIM! I'LL KILL HIM!

( sobbing )

( thunder )

OH, MISS BRAHMS,
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I DON'T LIKE BEING ON
MY OWN IN A STORM.

WELL, I WAS IN THE BATHROOM,

BUT I DIDN'T BRUSH ME TEETH.

I WAS FRIGHTENED TO TOUCH THE
TAP BECAUSE OF THE LIGHTNING.

VERY WISE.

MY HUSBAND'S BROTHER
WAS STRUCK BY LIGHTNING.

OH, WAS HE UNDER A TREE?

NO, HE WAS ON THE
DODGEMS AT A FAIRGROUND,

AND THE LIGHTENING WENT
STRAIGHT DOWN THE POLE.

IT MELTED ALL THE LOOSE
CHANGE IN HIS TROUSER POCKETS.

OH, DID THE INSURANCE PAY OUT?

NO, THEY COULDN'T
REPLACE WHAT HE'D LOST.

ARE YOU FEELING BETTER NOW?

WELL, YES, THAT BRANDY
GAVE ME A BIT OF A BOOST.

BUT THAT MISS LOVELOCK
REALLY UPSET ME.

( thunder )

OOH, OH, MY GOODNESS.
THAT WAS A NEAR ONE.

OH, MY POOR TIDDLES.
SHE'LL BE TERRIFIED.

SHE HATES THUNDER.

I THINK I'LL TAKE HER
INTO BED WITH ME.

YES, SHE SHOULD BE BACK BY NOW.

BACK?! WHAT D'YOU MEAN "BACK"?!

I JUST SAW HER

GOIN' FOR A WALK
DOWN THE CORRIDOR.

- OH, OOH. OH, MISS BRAHMS.
- OOH!

THE LIGHTS HAVE GONE OUT.

HAVE YOU GOT ANY MATCHES?

OH, YES, THERE ARE SOME IN MY
PORTMANTEAU, UNDER THE BED.

YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER
LIKED IT IN THE DARK.

THERE'S A CANDLE HERE,

SO IT MUST'VE HAPPENED BEFORE.

Captain Peacock: IS THAT
YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
KINDLY AVERT YOUR TORCH.

- THE LIGHTS
HAVE GONE OUT.
- WE HAD NOTICED.

WE'VE GOT A CANDLE
HERE, IF YOU'VE GOT A LIGHT.

OH, YES.

LOOK, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

HAVE YOU SEEN MY PUSSY?

NOT RECENTLY.

IT'S GONE MISSING.

PERHAPS IT'S GONE MOUSING?

WELL, I'VE GOT TO FIND HER.

WHERE'S MY DRESSING GOWN?

MR. HUMPHRIES?

MR. HUMPHRIES?!

WAKE UP.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, MEN. FOLLOW ME.

- WAKE UP.
- HMM? MM!

WHAT IS IT?

THERE'S A GREAT RUMBLIN',

AND THERE'S BEEN
BANGIN' AND FLASHIN'.

WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE NOT
HOLDING ME RESPONSIBLE.

A STORM!

( thunder )

SO THAT'S WHAT IT IS! DO YOU
KNOW, I WAS JUST DREAMING

I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
CHARGE OF THE LIGHT BRIGADE?

AND LORD CARDIGAN HAD TOLD
ME TO PUT MY HAT ON STRAIGHT,

AND YOU POKED ME IN THE RIBS.

THE LIGHTS 'AVE GONE OUT,

AND WE'VE BEEN
PLUNGED INTO DARKNESS.

AT TIMES LIKE THIS,
THE OLD HOUSE

HAS A LIFE OF ITS OWN.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

DO YOU MIND IF I
MOVE A BIT CLOSER?

IF YOU SPEAK UP, I CAN HEAR
YOU FROM WHERE YOU ARE.

ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS,

YOU CAN HEAR IT WALKIN' ABOUT.

MOVE A BIT CLOSER.

WHAT CAN YOU HEAR WALKING ABOUT?

I DON'T KNOW.

WE HEAR IT, BUT
NO ONE'S SEEN IT.

BUT WHEN IT'S AROUND,
THERE'S A CHILL IN THE AIR.

- ( footsteps approaching )
- I'M REALLY GLAD YOU'VE
TOLD ME THIS.

( door creaking )

( both scream )

THE LIGHTS HAVE GONE OUT. I'LL GO
AND SEE IF THE LADIES ARE ALL RIGHT.

NOW, YOU BE CAREFUL.

MAVIS SAYS ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS

THERE'S A THING WALKING ABOUT

THAT YOU CAN'T SEE.

OH.

I'LL GET ANOTHER CANDLE.

I'M GOING TO FIND MR. MOULTERD

AND GET HIM TO CHECK THE FUSES.

- WE'RE GOING FOR TIDDLES.
- AH... HMM?

NOW THEN, MISS BRAHMS,

STAY CLOSE BEHIND ME.

YES, I WILL.

OH, YOU'RE SHIVERING.
ARE YOU COLD?

NO, I'M JUST DEAD SCARED.

NOW, IF WE KEEP VERY QUIET,

WE MAY BE ABLE TO
HEAR TIDDLES BREATHING.

- SHE HAS A TOUCH
OF ASTHMA, YOU KNOW?
- OH, RIGHT.

( thunder, screams )

OH, THAT WAS HORRIBLE.

OH, YES.

IT WAS MR. RUMBOLD.

I'M SORRY.

I SEEM TO BE HAVING
A DRAMATIC EFFECT

ON EVERYBODY THIS EVENING.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?

YOU LOOK LIKE AN
ILLUMINATED GARGOYLE!

ARE YOU BOTH ALL RIGHT?

MR. HUMPHRIES SAYS
THAT ON NIGHTS LIKE THIS,

SOMETHING RATHER GHASTLY
WALKS ABOUT IN THE CORRIDOR.

WE'VE JUST SEEN IT.

HAVE YOU SEEN MRS.
SLOCOMBE'S PUSSY?

YES, I JUST PASSED
IT IN THE CORRIDOR.

ITS TAIL WAS ERECT,
ITS EARS WERE FLAT,

AND ITS EYES WERE LOOKING
WITH A SORT OF GLAZED LOOK,

AS THOUGH IT HAD
JUST SEEN SOMETHING.

HMM, PROBABLY JUST SEEN YOU.

WELL, DON'T YOU
WORRY, I'LL GO AND GET IT.

HAVE ANOTHER CANDLE.

THANK YOU.

KITTY, KITTY, KITTY.

- KITTY!
- ( cat meows )

( thumping wall )

KITTY, KITTY?

( thumps )

( thumps )

( door creaking open )

KITTY, KITTY, KITTY?

( door creaking )

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

THE STORM'S AWAKENED
IT, AND IT'S CREAKIN'.

( door creaking )

I THINK IT NEEDS OILING.

( thumping )

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

( thumping rhythmically )

HAS IT GOT A WOODEN LEG?

KITTY?

KITTY, KITTY?

KITTY.

HE'S TAKING A VERY LONG TIME.

HE'S PROBABLY SCARED HER OFF.

STAY CLOSE BEHIND
ME, MISS BRAHMS.

DON'T YOU WORRY, I WILL.

- ( screams )
- OH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK!

I WISH YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT.

IT'S SCARY ENOUGH
WITHOUT YOU FRIGHTENIN' US.

MR. RUMBOLD SAID THAT THERE'S
SOMETHING YOU WOULDN'T WISH TO MEET

WALKING ABOUT THE CORRIDORS.

ONLY THE FEEBLE MINDED WOULD
BELIEVE THAT SORT OF THING.

- AAH! OH!
- ARGH!

ALL MY LIGHTS HAVE GONE OUT.

A FEW OF MINE HAVE.

COME ON!

( all scream )

THERE'S THINGS ABROAD TONIGHT

BEYOND THE KEN
OF THE LIKES OF WE.

YOU GO TO BED AND
LOCK YOUR DOORS.

- NOT WITHOUT MY TIDDLES.
- ( cat meows )

SOUNDS LIKE IT COME
FROM BEHIND HERE.

OH! TIDDLES! ARE YOU IN THERE?

( all scream )

( both scream )

DAD, WHAT'RE YOU DOIN'?

BOLTIN' THE DOOR!

I'VE JUST SEEN SUMMAT HORRIBLE!

HAVE YOU MENDED THE FUSES?

NO, I DON'T INTEND TO.

MOVE OVER, MR. HUMPHRIES.

THERE'S SOMETHIN'
STRANGE GOIN' ON OUT THERE.

WELL, IT'S LUCKY
EVERYTHING'S NORMAL IN HERE.

( theme music playing )