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1
00:00:14,596 --> 00:00:18,303
Misery on steroids. How many
points are you winning by?
2
00:00:18,336 --> 00:00:19,807
- Not many.
- How many "not many"?
3
00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:21,577
- 203.
- What?
4
00:00:24,583 --> 00:00:26,587
[whirring]
5
00:00:27,556 --> 00:00:29,827
Grab a drink, will you?
Come and hang out for a bit.
6
00:00:29,860 --> 00:00:31,840
- There's only beers in here.
- Well, have a beer, then.
7
00:00:31,864 --> 00:00:33,701
- You're nearly 15.
- I'm 13.
8
00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:35,705
- I know.
- Hiya, Dad.
9
00:00:35,738 --> 00:00:38,443
- [muffled] Oh, my God!
- Good day?
10
00:00:41,182 --> 00:00:43,153
Sorry. Ally. Gabby. Gabby, Ally.
11
00:00:43,186 --> 00:00:45,224
- New face. Hello. I'm Darren.
- [chuckles]
12
00:00:45,257 --> 00:00:47,696
- Gabby.
- Great name. Well done.
13
00:00:47,729 --> 00:00:49,165
How's the shyness going, Darren?
14
00:00:49,198 --> 00:00:51,403
- Gabby seemed nice.
- She is nice, yes.
15
00:00:51,436 --> 00:00:52,715
This Gabby thing
is just a symptom
16
00:00:52,739 --> 00:00:55,812
of you not fully
wanting to be at home.
17
00:00:55,845 --> 00:00:58,126
Well, what's the fucking point
of us being together, then?
18
00:01:15,852 --> 00:01:18,256
Oh. Merry Christmas.
19
00:01:18,289 --> 00:01:19,759
Hi, Carl. Merry
Christmas. [chuckles]
20
00:01:20,427 --> 00:01:23,166
Time. [chuckles] Goes
past, doesn't it?
21
00:01:23,433 --> 00:01:25,671
It does. Yeah.
22
00:01:27,207 --> 00:01:28,678
The... wreath fell down.
23
00:01:28,711 --> 00:01:30,313
Oh, right.
24
00:01:31,950 --> 00:01:33,386
Yes.
25
00:01:34,723 --> 00:01:36,125
[whispers] Oh, yeah.
26
00:01:40,333 --> 00:01:41,268
[door squeaks]
27
00:01:42,237 --> 00:01:43,540
[exhales deeply]
28
00:01:45,778 --> 00:01:47,782
- [exhales]
- [locks door]
29
00:01:50,220 --> 00:01:53,159
[indistinct conversations]
30
00:01:55,330 --> 00:01:57,401
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
31
00:01:58,738 --> 00:02:01,209
Uh, sorry. They only
had the shit tonic.
32
00:02:01,242 --> 00:02:02,655
That's all right. I can't
tell the difference anyway.
33
00:02:02,679 --> 00:02:04,550
- Me neither, if I'm honest.
- Mm.
34
00:02:04,583 --> 00:02:05,685
[cellphone chimes]
35
00:02:07,321 --> 00:02:08,891
Luke's at Jacob's
for dinner tonight,
36
00:02:08,924 --> 00:02:10,294
and Ava's staying
at Grace's again.
37
00:02:10,327 --> 00:02:13,366
Oh, cool. She seems to
be coping pretty well.
38
00:02:13,399 --> 00:02:15,471
- Ava?
- Hmm.
39
00:02:15,505 --> 00:02:18,644
You don't... honestly think
that she's over it, do you?
40
00:02:18,677 --> 00:02:20,949
No. No, I don't, 'cause I
didn't say that. I said...
41
00:02:20,982 --> 00:02:23,353
I said she's coping better
than we thought she was.
42
00:02:23,386 --> 00:02:26,927
You don't find your granddad
seemingly dead from an overdose
43
00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:28,631
and then what,
like, 10 days later,
44
00:02:28,664 --> 00:02:31,268
just bounce along with your
life again like fucking Tigger?
45
00:02:36,345 --> 00:02:38,483
- So, you think we should wait?
- Yeah, I think...
46
00:02:38,818 --> 00:02:41,991
if we're gonna split up,
like properly split up,
47
00:02:42,024 --> 00:02:44,495
then it would be too
much for Ava right now.
48
00:02:44,529 --> 00:02:46,734
So, let's just get through
49
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:48,345
the next couple of months
and see where we are.
50
00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:50,508
- So, wait till new year?
- Yeah, may... maybe.
51
00:02:50,541 --> 00:02:51,844
I... I don't know.
52
00:02:51,877 --> 00:02:54,248
I don't know. Maybe we
shouldn't split up at all, Paul.
53
00:02:54,281 --> 00:02:56,654
Fuck it. I really don't know.
This is down to you, not me.
54
00:02:56,687 --> 00:02:57,798
- Well, it's all down to me?
- Yeah.
55
00:02:57,822 --> 00:02:59,492
'Cause I had lunch with someone?
56
00:02:59,526 --> 00:03:00,804
Fuck off. I'm not gonna get
into this shit again. Not...
57
00:03:00,828 --> 00:03:03,767
[conversations fade down]
58
00:03:09,746 --> 00:03:12,552
[conversations
resume indistinctly]
59
00:03:14,890 --> 00:03:18,798
I... I suppose I could
look for a room now.
60
00:03:18,831 --> 00:03:20,343
Uh, might take a while
to find something.
61
00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:22,539
A room.
62
00:03:22,572 --> 00:03:24,977
Well, obviously, I can't
afford a flat, can I?
63
00:03:25,010 --> 00:03:26,981
Christ, even a box room
in a shared house near us
64
00:03:27,014 --> 00:03:28,784
is gonna cost a fucking fortune.
65
00:03:29,085 --> 00:03:31,957
Oh. Well, look, uh... it...
66
00:03:31,990 --> 00:03:34,730
it doesn't necessarily have
to be you who moves out.
67
00:03:34,763 --> 00:03:36,265
Doesn't it? I think it does.
68
00:03:41,008 --> 00:03:42,244
[chuckles]
69
00:03:49,926 --> 00:03:53,935
- Who's cooking tonight?
- Well, if the kids are out,
70
00:03:53,968 --> 00:03:55,547
then I'll... I'll probably
have soup or something.
71
00:03:55,571 --> 00:03:57,508
Great. So, I was going
to use up those sausages.
72
00:03:58,176 --> 00:04:01,415
- Yeah, fair enough. Brilliant.
- Cool.
73
00:04:07,795 --> 00:04:11,837
[orchestral holiday song
playing on car stereo]
74
00:04:11,870 --> 00:04:13,574
Oh, I love this one.
75
00:04:13,607 --> 00:04:15,745
Puts you right in the
Christmas mood, don't it?
76
00:04:15,778 --> 00:04:17,481
It certainly does.
77
00:04:17,515 --> 00:04:18,885
[music continues]
78
00:04:18,918 --> 00:04:20,955
Could you turn it down?
79
00:04:20,988 --> 00:04:23,961
- [music continues]
- Sorry.
80
00:04:29,806 --> 00:04:30,741
Great.
81
00:04:33,112 --> 00:04:34,448
- I'm just gonna...
- Yep.
82
00:04:39,726 --> 00:04:40,661
[chuckles]
83
00:04:47,942 --> 00:04:49,444
Hi, Mum. Merry Christmas.
84
00:04:49,879 --> 00:04:51,617
You know my position.
85
00:04:51,650 --> 00:04:54,088
I do, but I refuse to let you
spend Christmas on your own.
86
00:04:54,121 --> 00:04:56,594
- I really don't mind.
- Well, I do,
87
00:04:56,627 --> 00:04:59,498
and anyway, even Scrooge
ended up enjoying Christmas.
88
00:04:59,532 --> 00:05:01,078
Only because he was
relentlessly bullied
89
00:05:01,102 --> 00:05:03,574
by three ghosts with
a socialist agenda.
90
00:05:03,607 --> 00:05:05,812
- Anyway, I'm here, aren't I?
- Yay.
91
00:05:05,845 --> 00:05:09,485
Happy Christmas. Ho-ho-ho
and all that cock and balls.
92
00:05:09,519 --> 00:05:12,726
- Oh. Happy Christmas, Leah.
- Happy Christmas.
93
00:05:12,759 --> 00:05:15,698
Don't worry. He hasn't
brought any mistletoe.
94
00:05:15,731 --> 00:05:18,704
- Here you go, Mum.
- Thank you.
95
00:05:18,737 --> 00:05:20,842
You don't like
Christmas, do you, Leah?
96
00:05:20,875 --> 00:05:23,848
I remember us all being at
the kids' carol service once.
97
00:05:23,881 --> 00:05:25,159
You were watching
Homes Under the Hammer
98
00:05:25,183 --> 00:05:26,787
on your iPad.
99
00:05:26,820 --> 00:05:29,158
I reluctantly go
along with it, Jim,
100
00:05:29,191 --> 00:05:31,997
like those Jersey residents who
were essentially good people
101
00:05:32,030 --> 00:05:34,001
but collaborated with the Nazis.
102
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:36,005
Where are your lovely
children, Ally?
103
00:05:36,038 --> 00:05:37,509
Still asleep.
104
00:05:37,542 --> 00:05:40,113
Oh, it's funny how
they change, isn't it?
105
00:05:40,146 --> 00:05:41,750
When they're tiny, they're awake
106
00:05:41,783 --> 00:05:44,455
at the crack of dawn
on Christmas Day.
107
00:05:44,488 --> 00:05:47,529
Paul used to be awake at 4
in the morning some years.
108
00:05:47,562 --> 00:05:51,636
- Did he? I never knew.
- No, you never.
109
00:05:53,139 --> 00:05:55,109
- I'll get some snacks going.
- Mm.
110
00:05:57,214 --> 00:06:00,822
When we're next in the
car, you can show us how...
111
00:06:00,855 --> 00:06:02,100
[conversation
continues indistinctly]
112
00:06:02,124 --> 00:06:04,161
[conversation
continues indistinctly]
113
00:06:06,566 --> 00:06:08,504
- Happy Christmas, mate.
- Yeah. Happy Christmas.
114
00:06:08,537 --> 00:06:11,109
Um... got any whisky?
115
00:06:11,142 --> 00:06:13,781
Only the own-brand
stuff. Nothing fancy.
116
00:06:13,814 --> 00:06:15,618
- What is it?
- Uh, Glen-something or other?
117
00:06:15,651 --> 00:06:17,196
- No. Uh, what proof is it?
- [bottle clanks]
118
00:06:17,220 --> 00:06:19,759
- [inhales deeply] 43.
- Sold.
119
00:06:21,897 --> 00:06:23,801
Just the one bottle?
120
00:06:23,834 --> 00:06:25,972
Uh... Let's say
two. It's Christmas.
121
00:06:26,005 --> 00:06:27,441
[bottles clank]
122
00:06:27,474 --> 00:06:28,644
Cheers.
123
00:06:28,677 --> 00:06:31,082
- Snacks.
- Oh, brilliant.
124
00:06:31,115 --> 00:06:34,121
I love food and booze in
the mornin'. [chuckles]
125
00:06:34,154 --> 00:06:35,457
- [crunches]
- [chuckles]
126
00:06:35,490 --> 00:06:37,160
Well done, Jesus,
getting born. Nice work.
127
00:06:38,864 --> 00:06:41,035
We were just talking
about lovely Maya.
128
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:42,872
She's coming over
today, isn't she?
129
00:06:42,905 --> 00:06:44,050
Yes, she's joining
us for dinner.
130
00:06:44,074 --> 00:06:46,212
Luke sounds very
serious about her.
131
00:06:46,245 --> 00:06:48,517
Well, they've been
together for 10 months.
132
00:06:48,550 --> 00:06:49,829
I was just telling
Jim and Jackie,
133
00:06:49,853 --> 00:06:51,131
Luke couldn't talk
about anything else
134
00:06:51,155 --> 00:06:52,726
when he came to see me.
135
00:06:52,759 --> 00:06:56,132
Oh, very sweet. Young love.
136
00:06:56,165 --> 00:06:59,505
- You will miss him now, Ally.
- What do you mean, miss him?
137
00:07:00,775 --> 00:07:03,714
Oh, I didn't just say that.
138
00:07:03,747 --> 00:07:06,019
Um... What... What,
are those crisps prawn?
139
00:07:06,052 --> 00:07:07,521
Sorry. What's
happening with Luke?
140
00:07:09,626 --> 00:07:13,033
I'm so sorry, Ally. I've
let the cat out the bag.
141
00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:15,638
And set the fucker
amongst the pigeons.
142
00:07:15,671 --> 00:07:18,744
Luke told me he's going to move
in with Maya and her family.
143
00:07:18,777 --> 00:07:21,015
No, he's fucking
not. Since when?
144
00:07:21,048 --> 00:07:22,761
He said he was going to
make the announcement today
145
00:07:22,785 --> 00:07:25,190
- at the dinner table.
- Well, no, sorry, that's not...
146
00:07:25,223 --> 00:07:26,727
that's not happening. I won't...
147
00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:29,833
I won't let him move out.
He's... He's a child.
148
00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:33,273
- He is 18.
- He's an 18-year-old child.
149
00:07:33,306 --> 00:07:35,978
He's not... He's
not moving anywhere,
150
00:07:36,011 --> 00:07:37,982
and I'm... I'm not
ready to let him go, no.
151
00:07:38,015 --> 00:07:40,822
- Not yet. No. Fucking hell.
- Oh.
152
00:07:40,855 --> 00:07:43,994
Maybe he'll change his mind,
Ally, or they'll split up.
153
00:07:44,027 --> 00:07:45,698
No, I d... I don't... I don't...
154
00:07:45,731 --> 00:07:47,601
I don't want that.
He loves Maya.
155
00:07:50,173 --> 00:07:52,612
Talking of lost loves...
156
00:07:52,645 --> 00:07:54,649
No, Alex and I have
not been in touch
157
00:07:54,682 --> 00:07:57,689
just because it's Christmas.
Divorce is divorce.
158
00:07:57,722 --> 00:08:01,697
We haven't remained friends
like idiots pretend to.
159
00:08:01,730 --> 00:08:03,299
I'm much happier on my own.
160
00:08:03,332 --> 00:08:05,103
Other people just get
in the way, don't they?
161
00:08:09,979 --> 00:08:12,852
Lovely tree, that. 'Cause you...
162
00:08:12,885 --> 00:08:15,123
you used to have that silver
plastic one, didn't you?
163
00:08:15,156 --> 00:08:16,994
Up until a few years ago, yeah.
164
00:08:17,027 --> 00:08:18,295
I thought so.
165
00:08:19,799 --> 00:08:21,135
Ah.
166
00:08:21,804 --> 00:08:23,841
Who... Who made
this? Is this Luke?
167
00:08:23,874 --> 00:08:25,711
Let me see. Oh, yeah.
168
00:08:25,744 --> 00:08:27,281
He did that at
his first nursery.
169
00:08:27,314 --> 00:08:31,055
Oh, the one run by those
mad creationist ladies.
170
00:08:31,088 --> 00:08:33,088
Yeah. They were lovely,
though, I thought. Not mad.
171
00:08:33,927 --> 00:08:34,896
No. Okay.
172
00:08:37,334 --> 00:08:39,038
Well, kids seemed
to enjoy Christmas.
173
00:08:39,071 --> 00:08:40,708
Yeah. Got through it, didn't we?
174
00:08:40,741 --> 00:08:43,914
Yeah, and Ava does actually
seem to be doing all right.
175
00:08:43,947 --> 00:08:47,755
Yeah. Settled in at the new
school, still mates with Grace.
176
00:08:47,788 --> 00:08:51,295
Talked it all out with my
dad. She's, uh, she's good.
177
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:58,042
[sighs] Right. Fairy lights off?
Means we're killing Christmas.
178
00:08:59,111 --> 00:09:00,781
Well, kill it.
179
00:09:04,956 --> 00:09:05,891
[click]
180
00:09:07,628 --> 00:09:08,597
[clatter]
181
00:09:12,638 --> 00:09:14,074
So, we're done?
182
00:09:14,809 --> 00:09:16,846
Feels like we're
done, doesn't it?
183
00:09:19,919 --> 00:09:22,323
- I was gonna order a takeaway.
- Great.
184
00:09:30,941 --> 00:09:33,780
[choir singing holiday
carol on stereo]
185
00:09:40,226 --> 00:09:41,763
You really don't need to help.
186
00:09:41,796 --> 00:09:44,201
Oh, I don't mind chopping
a few carrots, love.
187
00:09:44,234 --> 00:09:47,074
It's a big production
number, Christmas dinner.
188
00:09:47,107 --> 00:09:50,113
Ay-up, here she comes.
Happy Christmas, Ava.
189
00:09:50,146 --> 00:09:52,685
Happy Christmas, Granddad.
Hatey Christmas, Leah.
190
00:09:52,718 --> 00:09:54,856
Hatey Christmas to
you, too, my darling.
191
00:09:54,889 --> 00:09:57,394
- Happy Christmas.
- Happy Christmas, love.
192
00:09:57,427 --> 00:10:00,233
- Is it present opening time?
- No, Luke's not awake yet.
193
00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:03,339
- [Luke] Yes, he is.
- [Jackie] Oh, my God, it lives.
194
00:10:03,372 --> 00:10:05,711
Ha ha. Hello, Granny.
Merry Christmas.
195
00:10:05,744 --> 00:10:07,824
[Ally] Hi. If you guys want some
champagne, it's just up there.
196
00:10:07,848 --> 00:10:09,260
- Yes, please.
- I'm all right for now.
197
00:10:09,284 --> 00:10:12,023
- I'll just get some juice.
- [refrigerator door opens]
198
00:10:14,361 --> 00:10:15,665
[refrigerator door closes]
199
00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:17,702
[indistinct conversations]
200
00:10:17,735 --> 00:10:20,875
Here you go. Gin, tonic,
ice and a slice... of lemon.
201
00:10:20,908 --> 00:10:22,811
Ooh. Is this the shit tonic?
202
00:10:23,045 --> 00:10:24,849
I'm sorry. I didn't ask.
203
00:10:24,882 --> 00:10:26,853
Should I ask? I can never
taste the difference.
204
00:10:26,886 --> 00:10:29,893
- I can, but don't worry.
- So, you said you had news.
205
00:10:29,926 --> 00:10:31,997
You also said that you had news.
206
00:10:32,030 --> 00:10:34,970
Hmm. Would you like to be
the first item on the news,
207
00:10:35,003 --> 00:10:36,840
like a major climate disaster?
208
00:10:36,873 --> 00:10:38,711
Hmm, no, I'll go second,
209
00:10:38,744 --> 00:10:41,115
like "terrorist attack
in Madrid" sort of thing.
210
00:10:41,148 --> 00:10:43,119
- Okay.
- [chuckles]
211
00:10:43,152 --> 00:10:46,960
Uh, well, my news is
actually, uh, romantic news.
212
00:10:46,993 --> 00:10:49,733
Okay. Is this about
the amazing Gabby?
213
00:10:49,766 --> 00:10:52,037
- Gabby?
- Yeah, Gabby.
214
00:10:52,070 --> 00:10:55,443
Oh, Gabby. No, no, no, no.
Um, she didn't really like me.
215
00:10:55,476 --> 00:10:57,948
I mean, she didn't say as
much, but I got the impression.
216
00:10:58,750 --> 00:11:01,022
We went on one further
date, and when I went
217
00:11:01,055 --> 00:11:02,892
to kiss her good night,
she sort of shouted.
218
00:11:02,925 --> 00:11:04,763
Oh, right. Well, that's
not good. [chuckles]
219
00:11:04,796 --> 00:11:06,900
No, and she said she saw
a motorbike behind me
220
00:11:06,933 --> 00:11:10,240
nearly hit a cat,
but not convinced.
221
00:11:10,273 --> 00:11:13,881
Hmm. So what? So, well, then,
what's the romantic news?
222
00:11:13,914 --> 00:11:17,821
[exhales deeply] Well,
Karen and I are...
223
00:11:19,892 --> 00:11:22,397
- getting back together.
- Really? Well, obviously.
224
00:11:22,430 --> 00:11:24,134
Obvi... Sorry. Yeah,
obviously, really,
225
00:11:24,167 --> 00:11:26,005
'cause you just
said it, didn't you?
226
00:11:26,038 --> 00:11:28,009
Well, I know it seems
sort of unexpected,
227
00:11:28,042 --> 00:11:31,783
but we just thought it'd be
worth another try, you know?
228
00:11:31,816 --> 00:11:33,921
Still a lot of warmth there.
229
00:11:33,954 --> 00:11:36,192
Warmth. Oh. Okay.
230
00:11:36,225 --> 00:11:38,196
That's really great.
That's so good. [chuckles]
231
00:11:38,229 --> 00:11:39,833
And the twins are exhibiting
232
00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:41,512
some quite, uh, challenging
behavior at the moment,
233
00:11:41,536 --> 00:11:43,473
both excluded from
school last month.
234
00:11:43,507 --> 00:11:44,885
- Wow.
- And they've each been given
235
00:11:44,909 --> 00:11:47,214
a lifetime ballet-stroke-tap ban
236
00:11:47,247 --> 00:11:49,084
from the London Dance
Schools' Association.
237
00:11:49,117 --> 00:11:51,088
- Lifetime?
- I know, harsh.
238
00:11:51,121 --> 00:11:54,028
I mean, it's obviously an
overreaction, but, uh...
239
00:11:54,061 --> 00:11:56,164
they're not budging
on it, so, um...
240
00:11:56,699 --> 00:11:59,939
So you think that getting back
together is gonna help this?
241
00:11:59,972 --> 00:12:03,781
Exactly. Two shoulders
to carry the burden.
242
00:12:03,814 --> 00:12:05,216
Right, yeah.
243
00:12:05,249 --> 00:12:08,289
No, four. No, we've got
two each, haven't we?
244
00:12:08,557 --> 00:12:10,828
- So, what's your news?
- [inhales sharply] Um...
245
00:12:10,861 --> 00:12:13,165
Paul and I are gonna split up.
246
00:12:16,271 --> 00:12:19,345
Right. You mean you're...
247
00:12:19,378 --> 00:12:21,950
Divorced. Yeah, yeah.
Well, eventually.
248
00:12:21,983 --> 00:12:24,088
We're not gonna tell the
kids for... for a while yet,
249
00:12:24,121 --> 00:12:26,793
but, yeah, it looks like...
it looks like we're over.
250
00:12:28,997 --> 00:12:33,139
I'm so sorry. What caused
it? If that's not...
251
00:12:33,172 --> 00:12:36,078
Oh, a combination of things.
It's been coming for a while,
252
00:12:36,111 --> 00:12:39,853
and, um, yeah, we both felt
it, but we just had to admit it
253
00:12:39,886 --> 00:12:41,388
to ourselves and
then to each other.
254
00:12:43,994 --> 00:12:45,394
Listen, Ally, if
there's anything...
255
00:12:46,465 --> 00:12:49,104
anything I can do,
just give me a call.
256
00:12:51,008 --> 00:12:53,112
Yeah, I think you're gonna
have your, uh, hands full
257
00:12:53,145 --> 00:12:56,853
with a big... Karen
reunion, aren't you?
258
00:12:56,886 --> 00:12:58,891
Oh, yes, I... yeah.
259
00:12:58,924 --> 00:13:00,169
- Probably will, won't I?
- Yeah.
260
00:13:00,193 --> 00:13:02,096
It's gonna be
wonderful, I'm sure.
261
00:13:04,167 --> 00:13:08,309
According to my phone,
he should be back... now.
262
00:13:08,342 --> 00:13:09,387
- [door closes]
- [Paul] Hiya!
263
00:13:09,411 --> 00:13:12,384
[laughter]
264
00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:15,156
Here he is, the shit
Father Christmas.
265
00:13:15,189 --> 00:13:16,893
Piss Kringle.
266
00:13:16,926 --> 00:13:20,166
- Hello, Paul.
- Hatey Christmas, Mother-in-Law.
267
00:13:20,199 --> 00:13:22,304
- Hello, offspring.
- Really sorry you had to go
268
00:13:22,337 --> 00:13:24,551
all the way back to our place,
Paul, after bringing us here.
269
00:13:24,575 --> 00:13:26,312
- [sighs]
- I'm an idiot.
270
00:13:26,345 --> 00:13:28,516
It's fine. You
need your meds now.
271
00:13:28,917 --> 00:13:31,021
Here we are, then,
sonny. Happy Christmas.
272
00:13:31,054 --> 00:13:34,294
What a good little Geordie.
Right, what we got here?
273
00:13:34,327 --> 00:13:37,602
- Some house keys and medication.
- Thank you.
274
00:13:37,635 --> 00:13:40,340
Oh, I also found this,
actually, next to the tablets.
275
00:13:40,373 --> 00:13:42,444
Manuka honey. That's
medicinal, isn't it?
276
00:13:42,477 --> 00:13:43,589
I didn't know if
you needed some.
277
00:13:43,613 --> 00:13:44,949
Oh, no, that's Jim's.
278
00:13:44,982 --> 00:13:46,553
- I don't touch honey.
- Oh, Jesus.
279
00:13:46,586 --> 00:13:48,021
It comes out of bees' bum holes.
280
00:13:49,592 --> 00:13:51,395
- Does it?
- Doesn't it?
281
00:13:52,631 --> 00:13:54,368
I don't think it
does. [chuckles]
282
00:13:54,401 --> 00:13:57,407
Well, whatever. I just don't
like the thought of it.
283
00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:59,445
- Yeah.
- Thousands of 'em
284
00:13:59,478 --> 00:14:03,554
crawling all over the
honey in that tiny space,
285
00:14:03,587 --> 00:14:05,591
and then you're
meant to eat it. Ugh.
286
00:14:05,624 --> 00:14:07,461
- No, thank you very much.
- Yeah.
287
00:14:07,494 --> 00:14:09,164
I love sandwich spread.
288
00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:12,572
Sandwich spread
doesn't cure arthritis.
289
00:14:12,605 --> 00:14:14,642
And neither does a
30-quid jar of honey,
290
00:14:14,675 --> 00:14:16,044
you gullible old sod.
291
00:14:18,115 --> 00:14:19,955
I also realized that we
didn't have any whisky,
292
00:14:19,986 --> 00:14:21,355
so, uh, I got some
on the way back.
293
00:14:21,388 --> 00:14:23,192
Cheap old paint stripper. 43%.
294
00:14:23,225 --> 00:14:26,098
- Oh, magic. Burnin' nectar.
- [chuckles]
295
00:14:26,131 --> 00:14:29,071
Right. I'll get this off,
and, um, yeah. Presents?
296
00:14:29,104 --> 00:14:30,206
- Yes. Yes!
- Yay!
297
00:14:30,239 --> 00:14:31,308
[laughter]
298
00:14:32,978 --> 00:14:34,357
- So, we're saying...
- Oh, oh, mind, mind.
299
00:14:34,381 --> 00:14:37,622
- Dog dirt.
- Who still says "dog dirt"?
300
00:14:37,655 --> 00:14:40,193
- [laughs]
- Me, clearly.
301
00:14:40,226 --> 00:14:42,273
Do you still say "women's
lib" and "continental quilt"?
302
00:14:42,297 --> 00:14:43,667
[laughter]
303
00:14:43,700 --> 00:14:45,403
Someone's got to, don't they?
304
00:14:45,436 --> 00:14:47,642
So, we're saying no lawyers?
305
00:14:47,675 --> 00:14:49,244
Yeah, I don't think
we need 'em. Do you?
306
00:14:49,277 --> 00:14:51,291
- I mean, we're reasonable.
- Well, you're fucking not.
307
00:14:51,315 --> 00:14:52,985
- [laughter]
- No, it's just,
308
00:14:53,018 --> 00:14:57,127
loads of people manage to
split up without lawyers
309
00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:59,097
poking their noses in,
and they cost a bomb.
310
00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:03,105
Yeah, but actual divorce,
like the, you know,
311
00:15:03,138 --> 00:15:05,109
actual sort of legal
thingummyjiggy...
312
00:15:05,142 --> 00:15:07,113
Go on. Go on, Rumpole.
313
00:15:07,146 --> 00:15:09,393
But that's, like, that's further
down the road a bit, right?
314
00:15:09,417 --> 00:15:11,990
Yes. I think it goes,
315
00:15:12,023 --> 00:15:15,531
I move out. We have some sort
of temporary plan financially,
316
00:15:15,564 --> 00:15:18,002
- the kids and all of that...
- Yeah.
317
00:15:18,035 --> 00:15:19,973
And then divorce.
318
00:15:20,006 --> 00:15:21,074
Right.
319
00:15:21,375 --> 00:15:23,246
[inhales deeply] Hmm.
320
00:15:23,279 --> 00:15:25,551
- Yeah.
- [patron] Thanks, mate, yeah.
321
00:15:25,584 --> 00:15:27,722
[choral music continues]
322
00:15:27,755 --> 00:15:29,559
Is there a Christmas
pudding, Ally?
323
00:15:29,592 --> 00:15:32,297
There's one for you,
Jim. No one else eats it.
324
00:15:32,330 --> 00:15:35,504
That's very kind. Why
does no one else eat it?
325
00:15:35,537 --> 00:15:38,309
- 'Cause it's rank.
- It is rank, Granddad.
326
00:15:38,342 --> 00:15:42,017
Raisins. Brown stuff. More
brown stuff. Bits of peel.
327
00:15:42,050 --> 00:15:44,321
One of those things
I love the idea of,
328
00:15:44,354 --> 00:15:46,125
but I don't actually enjoy.
329
00:15:46,158 --> 00:15:48,730
- Like marriage.
- Precisely.
330
00:15:48,763 --> 00:15:50,400
[doorbell rings]
331
00:15:50,433 --> 00:15:51,401
I'll go.
332
00:15:53,773 --> 00:15:55,443
- Darren.
- Yes.
333
00:15:55,476 --> 00:15:57,276
- Come in, mate. Merry Christmas.
- Thank you.
334
00:16:00,052 --> 00:16:01,690
- It's just you?
- Yes.
335
00:16:01,723 --> 00:16:03,201
Karen's got the twins
today. I tossed for it.
336
00:16:03,225 --> 00:16:05,330
[laughs] She lost.
337
00:16:05,363 --> 00:16:08,035
She lost. [chuckles] No,
seriously, she did lose.
338
00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:09,037
- Oh, right. Hmm.
- Yeah.
339
00:16:10,473 --> 00:16:14,582
[indistinct conversation]
340
00:16:14,615 --> 00:16:16,184
Hey, folks. Look who I found.
341
00:16:18,757 --> 00:16:20,326
Are your lovely girls with you?
342
00:16:20,359 --> 00:16:22,698
No, they're spending
Christmas Day with their mum.
343
00:16:22,731 --> 00:16:24,167
Oh.
344
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:25,713
- Happy Christmas.
- Here, let me take that.
345
00:16:25,737 --> 00:16:27,742
Luke, get this man
a glass of fizz.
346
00:16:27,775 --> 00:16:30,614
- Oh.
- How are you?
347
00:16:30,647 --> 00:16:31,716
[indistinct conversations]
348
00:16:31,749 --> 00:16:34,321
- [chuckles]
- Mm. Oh, shit.
349
00:16:34,354 --> 00:16:35,791
- Hmm?
- Shit. Behind you.
350
00:16:35,824 --> 00:16:40,199
Bald bloke over there? Porn
star in the '70s. Yeah.
351
00:16:40,232 --> 00:16:42,370
- [chuckles]
- Nothing hardcore. Just, uh...
352
00:16:42,403 --> 00:16:45,476
The soft stuff, you know,
Randy Bin Man on the Job.
353
00:16:45,510 --> 00:16:47,615
Or Confessions of
a Project Manager.
354
00:16:47,648 --> 00:16:49,318
- [laughs] That was a sexy film.
- Ah.
355
00:16:49,351 --> 00:16:51,388
That was really, really sexy.
356
00:16:51,421 --> 00:16:53,536
- Big, Bald and Bouncy.
- Oh, didn't that win the Oscar?
357
00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:55,496
No, they went with Kramer
vs. Kramer that year.
358
00:16:55,530 --> 00:16:57,734
Fucking idiots. [laughs]
359
00:16:59,237 --> 00:17:01,074
- Hmm. Cheers.
- Cheers.
360
00:17:02,678 --> 00:17:03,613
Ahh.
361
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:08,757
And we're getting
on a lot better
362
00:17:08,790 --> 00:17:11,194
since we decided to split up.
363
00:17:11,495 --> 00:17:13,633
Yeah. Yeah, we are, aren't we?
364
00:17:18,677 --> 00:17:21,047
I'm still really,
really angry about...
365
00:17:22,785 --> 00:17:25,123
- Big, Bald and Bouncy.
- [laughs]
366
00:17:25,156 --> 00:17:26,559
- [laughs]
- Yes.
367
00:17:26,592 --> 00:17:28,296
- He was fucking robbed.
- Yeah.
368
00:17:28,329 --> 00:17:29,632
I mean, how bald was Hoffman?
369
00:17:29,665 --> 00:17:30,710
- He was not bald at all.
- No.
370
00:17:30,734 --> 00:17:33,406
He was the exact
opposite of bald.
371
00:17:33,439 --> 00:17:36,145
- Which would be?
- Very, very hairish.
372
00:17:36,178 --> 00:17:37,480
- Exactly. Hairish.
- [laughs]
373
00:17:42,457 --> 00:17:44,328
with Maya's family.
374
00:17:44,361 --> 00:17:46,298
- No, he's fucking not.
- That's what I said.
375
00:17:46,331 --> 00:17:48,269
What? Who said he
wants to move out?
376
00:17:48,302 --> 00:17:49,681
He mentioned it to
Mum, and apparently
377
00:17:49,705 --> 00:17:51,241
he's gonna tell us
all at dinner today.
378
00:17:51,274 --> 00:17:53,212
But that's ridiculous.
He can't just move out.
379
00:17:53,245 --> 00:17:55,450
No, I know. I'm not ready for
him to go. I'm really not.
380
00:17:55,483 --> 00:17:57,196
Well, that's okay, Al,
'cause he's not going.
381
00:17:57,220 --> 00:18:00,259
[sighs] God. I mean,
I understand that
382
00:18:00,292 --> 00:18:01,739
he's crazy in love
with Maya, and she's...
383
00:18:01,763 --> 00:18:03,332
she's g... she's great for him.
384
00:18:03,365 --> 00:18:04,478
Best thing that's
ever happened to him.
385
00:18:04,502 --> 00:18:05,904
- Yeah.
- But still, he's got exams.
386
00:18:05,937 --> 00:18:08,442
He's got a family. Christ,
he's already moved out once,
387
00:18:08,475 --> 00:18:09,746
hasn't he? When he walloped me.
388
00:18:09,779 --> 00:18:11,916
- [chuckles]
- Then he moved back in.
389
00:18:11,949 --> 00:18:13,829
Then I moved out. It's enough
fucking moving out, okay?
390
00:18:13,853 --> 00:18:16,392
He's still little. I mean, he's
big, but he's still little.
391
00:18:16,425 --> 00:18:18,606
I'm not finished with him yet.
He's like an unfinished project,
392
00:18:18,630 --> 00:18:19,932
like one of your mum's jigsaws.
393
00:18:19,965 --> 00:18:21,334
[laughter]
394
00:18:22,871 --> 00:18:24,742
- Fucking hell.
- I know.
395
00:18:27,447 --> 00:18:30,153
Okay, so, so... how are
we supposed to react
396
00:18:30,186 --> 00:18:31,556
when... when he tells us this?
397
00:18:31,589 --> 00:18:33,301
'Cause we can't embarrass
him in front of Maya...
398
00:18:33,325 --> 00:18:34,538
- Yeah.
- And have him fucking,
399
00:18:34,562 --> 00:18:36,866
you know, storm off
and go mental, so...
400
00:18:39,370 --> 00:18:42,377
We've got to be
reasonable and practical
401
00:18:42,410 --> 00:18:46,519
and say that we, uh, that we...
we know how in love they are.
402
00:18:46,552 --> 00:18:49,424
- Yeah.
- But that... [sighs]
403
00:18:49,457 --> 00:18:52,363
I don't know. Talk about how he
needs to focus on his exams...
404
00:18:52,396 --> 00:18:53,407
- Right, okay.
- And all that stuff.
405
00:18:53,431 --> 00:18:57,340
Yeah, okay. God Almighty,
when does parenting end?
406
00:18:57,373 --> 00:18:59,277
About the time the
crematorium curtains close
407
00:18:59,310 --> 00:19:01,070
and the kids have put
the house on Rightmove.
408
00:19:08,328 --> 00:19:09,430
[laughter]
409
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:15,944
- That sounds amazing.
- Mm.
410
00:19:15,977 --> 00:19:17,548
It's... How tall is it, Maya?
411
00:19:17,581 --> 00:19:19,284
Uh, it's 38 floors up,
412
00:19:19,317 --> 00:19:21,221
and you look out
over Tower Bridge
413
00:19:21,254 --> 00:19:24,461
and along the Thames and
yeah, we go every Christmas.
414
00:19:24,494 --> 00:19:26,533
Me, my mum, my dad, and
my sister and her lot.
415
00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:27,902
- Oh.
- Sounds amazing.
416
00:19:27,935 --> 00:19:30,206
Christmas dinner
at a restaurant.
417
00:19:30,239 --> 00:19:31,876
I'm not sure I approve.
418
00:19:31,909 --> 00:19:34,256
Oh, that's because you've never
had to cook the bloody thing.
419
00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:36,285
- [laughter]
- Well, we're very honored indeed
420
00:19:36,318 --> 00:19:38,590
that you've chosen
to be with us today.
421
00:19:38,623 --> 00:19:41,495
- Mum, you sound like a mayoress.
- [laughter]
422
00:19:41,529 --> 00:19:42,832
We are, though, Maya.
423
00:19:42,865 --> 00:19:44,478
Oh, I wouldn't have
missed it for the world,
424
00:19:44,502 --> 00:19:46,606
so thank you for having
me. I really love it here.
425
00:19:46,639 --> 00:19:47,808
- Good.
- Can I use
426
00:19:47,841 --> 00:19:50,246
- me pudding spoon for the gravy?
- No.
427
00:19:50,279 --> 00:19:51,649
Hang on. I'll get
you another one.
428
00:19:51,682 --> 00:19:54,622
It's not soup, Jim. It's gravy.
429
00:19:54,655 --> 00:19:58,028
- It's quite a fine line, though.
- Exactly.
430
00:19:58,061 --> 00:20:00,934
- Thank you, love.
- Don't encourage him.
431
00:20:01,936 --> 00:20:04,609
[Paul] Come on. We're not
gonna get a seat at this rate.
432
00:20:04,642 --> 00:20:06,488
[Ally] Standing room only,
like a royal wedding.
433
00:20:06,512 --> 00:20:08,349
- Yeah, or a public hanging.
- [laughs]
434
00:20:08,382 --> 00:20:09,886
for Darren and Karen,
435
00:20:09,919 --> 00:20:13,025
and it's lovely to see
such a lot of people here
436
00:20:13,058 --> 00:20:17,000
to wish this couple well
as they join together
437
00:20:17,033 --> 00:20:19,505
and continue their
life's journey.
438
00:20:19,538 --> 00:20:22,845
Okay, then, so on to
the all-important vows,
439
00:20:22,878 --> 00:20:24,715
written, I think, by...
440
00:20:24,748 --> 00:20:27,419
Karen. She... She wrote them.
441
00:20:28,021 --> 00:20:29,625
- Excellent.
- [under breath] Come on.
442
00:20:29,658 --> 00:20:31,663
- [whispers] Wow.
- Okay, Darren, are you ready?
443
00:20:31,696 --> 00:20:32,931
Sure.
444
00:20:33,198 --> 00:20:35,537
- So, repeat after me.
- Mm-hmm.
445
00:20:35,570 --> 00:20:37,440
- I, Darren...
- I, Darren...
446
00:20:37,775 --> 00:20:40,446
- promise you, Karen...
- promise you, Karen...
447
00:20:41,015 --> 00:20:43,820
to be a faithful
partner amid the joys...
448
00:20:43,853 --> 00:20:45,590
amid the joys...
449
00:20:46,759 --> 00:20:48,930
To be a faithful
partner amid the joys.
450
00:20:48,963 --> 00:20:50,534
Sorry. [chuckles]
451
00:20:50,567 --> 00:20:54,474
To be a faithful partner
amid all the joys...
452
00:20:54,508 --> 00:20:57,380
- Sorry, was it "all"?
- No, but it's all right.
453
00:20:57,413 --> 00:20:59,518
And the sorrows of
our life together.
454
00:21:00,119 --> 00:21:02,490
And the sorrows of
our life together.
455
00:21:02,524 --> 00:21:03,994
[whispers] Don't
lead with sorrow.
456
00:21:04,027 --> 00:21:06,331
- Never lead with sorrow. Yeah.
- Terrible vows.
457
00:21:06,364 --> 00:21:08,068
They're, like, really
shit vows. [chuckles]
458
00:21:08,101 --> 00:21:09,671
I will be your rock.
459
00:21:10,807 --> 00:21:12,377
I will be your rock.
460
00:21:12,410 --> 00:21:13,947
I will be your staff.
461
00:21:13,980 --> 00:21:16,519
- I will be your staff.
- That means walking stick,
462
00:21:16,552 --> 00:21:18,757
not an actual
member of her staff.
463
00:21:18,790 --> 00:21:20,794
- Although...
- I will be your lover
464
00:21:20,827 --> 00:21:21,929
and your comrade.
465
00:21:22,230 --> 00:21:24,769
I will be your lover
and your comrade.
466
00:21:24,802 --> 00:21:27,808
- Oh, calm down, Stalin.
- Your partner in crime...
467
00:21:27,841 --> 00:21:30,914
- Wow. Tax avoidance.
- Your partner in crime...
468
00:21:30,947 --> 00:21:33,620
And... your playmate.
469
00:21:33,653 --> 00:21:36,826
- [laughs] Fucking hell.
- [Darren] And your playmate.
470
00:21:36,859 --> 00:21:39,431
And I promise in front
of the congregation
471
00:21:39,464 --> 00:21:42,604
gathered here to
love you forever.
472
00:21:43,439 --> 00:21:46,445
And I promise in front
of the congregation
473
00:21:46,478 --> 00:21:49,785
gathered here to
love you forever.
474
00:21:51,421 --> 00:21:54,728
[Susie] We are giving each
other a second chance...
475
00:21:55,196 --> 00:21:57,801
[Darren] We are giving
each other a second chance.
476
00:21:58,168 --> 00:21:59,872
[Susie] ...trying again...
477
00:21:59,905 --> 00:22:03,045
- [Darren] ...trying again...
- [Susie] ...together today...
478
00:22:03,078 --> 00:22:04,681
[Darren] ...together today...
479
00:22:05,249 --> 00:22:08,121
[Susie] ...and for all
the days of our lives.
480
00:22:08,556 --> 00:22:11,461
[Darren] ...and for all
the days of our lives.
481
00:22:13,866 --> 00:22:16,138
That was nice. It
was a nice ceremony.
482
00:22:16,171 --> 00:22:17,708
- Very sweet.
- Susie did great.
483
00:22:17,741 --> 00:22:19,645
- I really like her.
- She's good, isn't she?
484
00:22:19,678 --> 00:22:21,616
Yeah. So how long
do you give 'em?
485
00:22:21,649 --> 00:22:22,851
- As a couple?
- Yeah.
486
00:22:22,884 --> 00:22:25,489
- [blows raspberry] Six.
- Months?
487
00:22:25,523 --> 00:22:27,060
No, minutes. They're
fucking doomed.
488
00:22:27,093 --> 00:22:29,464
- [chuckles]
- [inhales deeply]
489
00:22:29,497 --> 00:22:31,401
And are we undoomed
now, do you think?
490
00:22:32,537 --> 00:22:33,506
[sighs]
491
00:22:34,908 --> 00:22:36,044
Okay.
492
00:22:36,613 --> 00:22:41,889
Ally, I need to tell
you... I'm sorry.
493
00:22:41,922 --> 00:22:44,127
- I did fancy Gabby.
- [gasps]
494
00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:46,465
Clearly, I did. Clearly, I did.
495
00:22:46,498 --> 00:22:48,536
- [sighs]
- And I lied to you.
496
00:22:50,139 --> 00:22:52,076
I thought it was
this kind of fun,
497
00:22:52,109 --> 00:22:57,053
uncomplicated world, and
I really liked it, okay?
498
00:22:57,086 --> 00:23:00,861
So, without getting too
Nuremberg trials about it all...
499
00:23:00,894 --> 00:23:02,931
- You fucker!
- I'm sorry.
500
00:23:02,964 --> 00:23:05,402
You sorry fucker.
501
00:23:08,241 --> 00:23:09,679
- Do you forgive me?
- No.
502
00:23:09,712 --> 00:23:10,680
Fuck.
503
00:23:14,487 --> 00:23:16,759
So, what do you
reckon we do now?
504
00:23:19,063 --> 00:23:20,701
Well, I think we carry on
505
00:23:20,734 --> 00:23:23,740
believing that we're going
to split up because this is
506
00:23:23,773 --> 00:23:25,644
the best that we've got
on in fucking months.
507
00:23:25,677 --> 00:23:27,647
I agree. I agree.
508
00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:32,056
- Let's split up.
- Let's split up.
509
00:23:34,193 --> 00:23:36,899
- Do you want some more?
- Mm. Thank you.
510
00:23:36,932 --> 00:23:39,939
- That was so delicious, Ally.
- Yeah, Mum, that was amazing.
511
00:23:39,972 --> 00:23:41,551
Um, are you sure you don't
want some wine, Maya?
512
00:23:41,575 --> 00:23:43,479
- Oh, no, no, I'm fine, thanks.
- Mmm.
513
00:23:43,513 --> 00:23:45,091
Does nobody else want any
of this Christmas puddin'?
514
00:23:45,115 --> 00:23:46,686
It's delicious.
515
00:23:46,719 --> 00:23:49,490
Stop trying to push your
pudding onto everyone.
516
00:23:52,229 --> 00:23:53,967
Did that sound a bit rude?
517
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:57,006
- [laughter]
- A bit rude, yeah.
518
00:23:57,039 --> 00:23:59,077
Christmas pudding. Love a
bit of Christmas pudding.
519
00:23:59,110 --> 00:24:01,548
There we go! Good
on you, Darren.
520
00:24:02,082 --> 00:24:04,487
Oh, listen, there's loads
of this trifle left.
521
00:24:04,521 --> 00:24:06,024
- Who needs some?
- Oh...
522
00:24:06,057 --> 00:24:08,128
I need to say
something, actually.
523
00:24:09,598 --> 00:24:11,735
- All right. Okay.
- [Jim chuckles]
524
00:24:15,109 --> 00:24:16,621
- It's all gone really quiet now.
- Ah.
525
00:24:16,645 --> 00:24:18,115
[laughter]
526
00:24:18,148 --> 00:24:19,885
Um...
527
00:24:19,918 --> 00:24:23,526
I need to say that I am gonna
be moving in with Maya's family.
528
00:24:27,901 --> 00:24:29,170
Are you? Okay.
529
00:24:29,805 --> 00:24:31,975
And have you thought
about this, love?
530
00:24:32,309 --> 00:24:34,213
Yeah. Yeah.
531
00:24:35,917 --> 00:24:38,222
I'm really sorry to
be stealing him away.
532
00:24:38,255 --> 00:24:39,925
I know you'll miss
me being around.
533
00:24:39,958 --> 00:24:42,072
It's just I think that it's
important that we're together.
534
00:24:42,096 --> 00:24:45,102
Uh, look, we... we know how
much in love you both are,
535
00:24:45,135 --> 00:24:46,739
and that is brilliant...
536
00:24:46,772 --> 00:24:49,845
Thank you. We are. But also...
537
00:24:53,318 --> 00:24:54,286
I'm pregnant.
538
00:24:57,794 --> 00:25:00,667
Yeah. That's... That's
the main reason.
539
00:25:00,700 --> 00:25:02,069
We're... We're
gonna have a baby.
540
00:25:02,119 --> 00:25:06,669
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