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1
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Colin Robinson for Staten
Island Comptroller headquarters.
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Sean had to bow out of the race.
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Apparently, in Staten Island,
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00:00:10,319 --> 00:00:14,748
there's a rule that a candidate
can't have more than nine DUIs.
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00:00:14,759 --> 00:00:18,146
Most Staten Island office holders
only have two or three.
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00:00:18,426 --> 00:00:20,150
Oh, hi, Barbara.
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He needed someone
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to take his place, and my record
9
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is absolutely, completely clean.
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Yo. Robby Robinson, get over here.
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You're on the tube. Quick.
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With all due respect, my new opponent
13
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seems like a nice man, but he has
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00:00:35,341 --> 00:00:38,281
no government experience.
He was working as a server...
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00:00:38,292 --> 00:00:42,322
I can't wait to flex my blue collar
bona fides on the debate stage.
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00:00:42,333 --> 00:00:44,633
Up top.
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00:00:44,981 --> 00:00:46,626
There it is.
18
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- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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I have been spending
more time at this new gym lately.
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I have asked Guillermo to join me,
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but he always seems to have
something else going on these days.
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Guillermo! Guillermo,
23
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- where are you?
- Shit!
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- I've been avoiding Nandor.
- Oh.
25
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It's been hard,
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physically and emotionally.
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- Guillermo?
- I just don't
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want him to get suspicious that
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I'm a vampire now. Or half a vampire.
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Or whatever I am.
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Guillermo?
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And so I have decided
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to hunt for a new companion.
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Need a spot?
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Uh, sure, why not?
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Great.
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Looks like it's just me and
you in here tonight, huh, buddy?
38
00:02:01,950 --> 00:02:03,790
Um, yeah.
39
00:02:03,801 --> 00:02:06,907
Uh, it's usually pretty
empty on Easter Sunday.
40
00:02:06,918 --> 00:02:10,592
I guess all the gentiles
are out hunting for eggs.
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00:02:11,093 --> 00:02:13,274
You are Jewish?
42
00:02:13,779 --> 00:02:15,181
Yep.
43
00:02:15,402 --> 00:02:17,439
Very cool.
44
00:02:17,450 --> 00:02:18,869
Mm-hmm.
45
00:02:19,791 --> 00:02:22,396
Alexander.
46
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- Nandor.
- Thanks for the spot, pal.
47
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It was my pleasure.
48
00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:32,523
So, what meshuggaas...
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that means stuff...
50
00:02:33,822 --> 00:02:35,438
is everyone doing tonight?
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If you're only asking
us what we're doing
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so you can tell us what
you're doing, we don't care.
53
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Relax, I'm just kibitzing. Besides,
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I have acquired a new friend.
55
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- Oh.
- And now we are going to the movies
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together.
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We are mishpocha.
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Oh, yes.
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My new friend... he's the total package.
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Has a great sense of
humor, loves to work out
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00:02:58,489 --> 00:03:00,593
and he's Jewish.
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00:03:00,699 --> 00:03:02,836
What difference does
it make if he's Jewish?
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00:03:02,847 --> 00:03:05,004
It doesn't, but back in Al Qolnidar,
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I always heard stories about the Jews.
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00:03:07,206 --> 00:03:10,145
Exceptionally proud
people, fierce warriors,
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but I never actually got to meet one.
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I had no idea there were
Jews in New York City.
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And now I am proud
to call one my friend.
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00:03:18,362 --> 00:03:20,516
Oh. That's great. What-What's his name?
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Well, look who suddenly reappeared
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now that I'm kvelling
about my new friend.
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- I've been here the whole time.
- Well, if you must know,
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his name is Alexander.
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Alexander the Jew.
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Nope. I don't think that's his name.
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Quit your kvetching.
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I really couldn't care
less about being comptroller.
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00:03:38,032 --> 00:03:40,652
Hello! I am Colin Robinson.
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I am running for comptroller.
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- Can she vote?
- Uh, no.
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- Okay, then don't.
- Ooh.
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00:03:45,477 --> 00:03:48,258
I'd rather it lay on the ground
than go into her hands.
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I'm only doing it
because the debate stage
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is a great place for a mega drain.
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00:03:53,446 --> 00:03:56,213
You know, it's really
no surprise the amount
86
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- of energy vampires in politics.
- Uh, we're good.
87
00:03:59,331 --> 00:04:00,705
- Colin, stop it.
- What are you running for?
88
00:04:00,716 --> 00:04:01,909
- Touch this.
- What are you doing?
89
00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:03,146
- Touch it.
- Stop doing that.
90
00:04:03,157 --> 00:04:06,407
But the perfect
campaign needs the perfect wife.
91
00:04:07,065 --> 00:04:09,694
I have an old flame that comes here.
92
00:04:10,146 --> 00:04:13,319
Once we accept that they
are never coming back
93
00:04:13,330 --> 00:04:16,208
to sweep us off our feet
with an unexpected...
94
00:04:18,049 --> 00:04:20,453
E-Evie Russell?
95
00:04:20,464 --> 00:04:22,501
Colin Robinson.
96
00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:24,282
W-What are you doing here?
97
00:04:24,293 --> 00:04:26,631
Evie, please. I-I need you.
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00:04:26,665 --> 00:04:28,919
I didn't think I'd ever see you again
99
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after you fled the scene of the accident
100
00:04:32,028 --> 00:04:34,333
that left me partially blind.
101
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And completely unable to move my legs.
102
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Oh, Evie.
103
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Evie Russell
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is an emotional vampire.
105
00:04:42,370 --> 00:04:44,808
The doctor said, "She'd
be better off dead."
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She drains people
by feeding on their emotions.
107
00:04:48,659 --> 00:04:51,661
And then he hung himself
while he was masturbating.
108
00:04:51,672 --> 00:04:53,514
- Oh.
- When we dated,
109
00:04:53,525 --> 00:04:57,236
she destroyed me and
fed off of the remnants
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of what used to be my heart.
111
00:05:00,165 --> 00:05:01,792
She's the best.
112
00:05:01,803 --> 00:05:04,276
Oh, I've never stopped
thinking about you.
113
00:05:04,287 --> 00:05:06,268
I mean, even after all these years.
114
00:05:06,279 --> 00:05:09,352
To me, you are perfect.
115
00:05:09,698 --> 00:05:11,435
Love Actually, 2003.
116
00:05:11,501 --> 00:05:13,739
I wish I knew how to quit you.
117
00:05:13,819 --> 00:05:16,191
Brokeback Mountain, 2005.
118
00:05:16,405 --> 00:05:19,644
I got you this necklace.
119
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Titanic, 1997.
120
00:05:23,305 --> 00:05:25,944
- It looks beautiful on you.
- Thank you.
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00:05:39,271 --> 00:05:41,142
Ever since I stumbled on
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the neighborhood of Little Antipaxos,
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I have been spending my nights
with a delightful family.
124
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No, I-I have eaten...
125
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Being with them makes
me feel almost human.
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00:05:50,239 --> 00:05:53,080
I've been helping my new
family by actually working.
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00:05:53,091 --> 00:05:54,861
And maybe these simple acts
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00:05:54,872 --> 00:05:57,644
of kindness, compassion, and friendship
129
00:05:57,655 --> 00:05:59,240
might help lift this
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00:05:59,251 --> 00:06:02,679
pissing Antipaxon curse
that I have all over me.
131
00:06:02,690 --> 00:06:05,555
But... they keep asking to meet Laszlo.
132
00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:07,949
Laszlo is not from Antipaxos,
133
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:12,469
and Antipaxons are very,
very suspicious of outsiders.
134
00:06:14,454 --> 00:06:16,959
He's coming tonight.
135
00:06:17,319 --> 00:06:20,730
Now you see, what you
must understand is courting a partner's
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00:06:20,741 --> 00:06:23,547
family is just as important
as courting the lover.
137
00:06:23,558 --> 00:06:28,979
So, I have done deep research
into these simple island folk.
138
00:06:30,872 --> 00:06:33,549
I learned their customs, their dress.
139
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:34,763
What the fuck are you wearing?
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00:06:34,774 --> 00:06:35,854
I'm dressed as an islander.
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00:06:35,865 --> 00:06:37,122
These people are peasants.
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00:06:37,133 --> 00:06:38,744
It's important I fit in, my darling.
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Their way of speaking.
144
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Me, Laszlo.
145
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Do you people have names
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or do you communicate with sticks?
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00:06:45,115 --> 00:06:46,979
I had become one of them.
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00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:48,070
I think this is going well.
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This is the matriarch of this
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very important family to me,
151
00:06:51,315 --> 00:06:52,437
- okay? Yes?
- Yeah, yeah.
152
00:06:52,448 --> 00:06:54,051
- Yia-Yia.
- Yia-Yia.
153
00:06:54,062 --> 00:06:55,765
Lovely to meet you, I'm sure.
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00:06:56,989 --> 00:06:58,691
He was dropped on his head as a baby.
155
00:07:05,209 --> 00:07:07,313
Any big plans for the summertime?
156
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:09,012
Not really.
157
00:07:09,023 --> 00:07:12,062
So, I met Nandor at the gym. I was doing
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00:07:12,073 --> 00:07:14,603
my reps, and he, uh, I don't know,
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00:07:14,614 --> 00:07:17,854
he-he seemed harmless and
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00:07:17,865 --> 00:07:20,638
kind of lonely, and, uh...
161
00:07:20,649 --> 00:07:22,854
then he asked me here, and...
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00:07:23,038 --> 00:07:26,178
I don't know, I'm
here. Uh, I don't know.
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00:07:26,418 --> 00:07:28,488
It just happened.
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00:07:30,866 --> 00:07:33,940
- You are enjoying the movie?
- Shh!
165
00:07:35,164 --> 00:07:37,370
I remember the first time I went to one.
166
00:07:37,381 --> 00:07:39,688
There was a locomotion film playing.
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00:07:39,699 --> 00:07:40,747
And we all thought,
168
00:07:40,758 --> 00:07:42,417
"This train's gonna kill
us!" And, of course...
169
00:07:42,428 --> 00:07:44,432
- Shut up!
- Shh.
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00:07:44,681 --> 00:07:47,432
Yes. Yes, you're right.
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00:07:47,443 --> 00:07:50,660
Zero is the amount of
paperwork you'd have to file
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00:07:50,906 --> 00:07:53,465
after I replace -Excuse me.
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00:07:53,692 --> 00:07:57,602
our entire outdated system...
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00:07:58,673 --> 00:08:00,444
Mr. Robinson, are you all right?
175
00:08:00,586 --> 00:08:03,252
Yeah. No, no. It's not my turn. You go.
176
00:08:03,660 --> 00:08:06,156
With a seamless, user-friendly,
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00:08:06,167 --> 00:08:07,637
digital platform.
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00:08:07,648 --> 00:08:09,247
Eliminate bureaucracy.
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00:08:09,258 --> 00:08:12,493
Say goodbye to paperwork.
180
00:08:12,504 --> 00:08:15,576
And hello to anarchy.
181
00:08:15,622 --> 00:08:17,468
You're-you're clapping
for an anarchist.
182
00:08:17,479 --> 00:08:19,550
Thank you. Thank you very much.
183
00:08:20,265 --> 00:08:21,527
Four weeks ago,
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00:08:21,538 --> 00:08:23,393
when I started this...
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00:08:23,484 --> 00:08:26,012
Check, check. Microphone, microphone.
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00:08:26,023 --> 00:08:27,660
With the debate stage,
187
00:08:27,671 --> 00:08:31,078
what you have is a captive audience.
188
00:08:31,089 --> 00:08:33,860
Do you know how this...
189
00:08:34,469 --> 00:08:36,752
It's like a smorgasbord.
190
00:08:38,023 --> 00:08:41,440
Four weeks ago,
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I was sitting down
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for breakfast with my
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00:08:46,403 --> 00:08:47,739
beautiful wife, Evie.
194
00:08:47,750 --> 00:08:50,484
Evie and I were sitting
down with our two
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00:08:50,495 --> 00:08:53,067
beautiful little boys,
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00:08:53,265 --> 00:08:56,353
Connor and C-C... Cah... ristopher,
197
00:08:56,364 --> 00:08:58,520
and Christopher
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00:08:58,531 --> 00:08:59,906
looks up to me... he's
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00:08:59,917 --> 00:09:03,591
six years old and full of the dickens...
200
00:09:05,555 --> 00:09:09,234
And I said, "Well, it's
because of the taxes,
201
00:09:09,544 --> 00:09:10,747
Conno... Christopher."
202
00:09:12,089 --> 00:09:16,063
And I'll be damned if there's
anyone in this hall right now...
203
00:09:18,631 --> 00:09:20,836
... smells often of beef stew,
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00:09:20,847 --> 00:09:22,851
as all young children do.
205
00:09:26,330 --> 00:09:29,299
Your allowance is being cut
206
00:09:29,310 --> 00:09:31,314
because mommy lost her job.
207
00:09:31,325 --> 00:09:33,813
Mommy lost her job to
208
00:09:33,824 --> 00:09:36,897
an M'er-F'ing machine.
209
00:09:36,908 --> 00:09:40,092
A machine that ran over my foot
210
00:09:40,299 --> 00:09:42,136
on a factory floor.
211
00:09:42,147 --> 00:09:43,982
- Unbelievable.
- And is a-a
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00:09:43,993 --> 00:09:47,133
machine gonna tuck my two sons...
213
00:09:47,144 --> 00:09:50,350
who are full of the dickens... into bed?
214
00:09:50,833 --> 00:09:53,281
You think that machine can give my boys
215
00:09:53,292 --> 00:09:54,897
their goodnight kissies?
216
00:09:54,908 --> 00:09:57,989
How's that gonna work?
Bleep, bloop, bloop, mwah.
217
00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:00,635
I sure would like to meet that machine
218
00:10:00,646 --> 00:10:03,856
and tell it to pay for my medical bills.
219
00:10:06,457 --> 00:10:12,075
That machine ruined our
gosh darn C-Chrosstopher's life.
220
00:10:14,035 --> 00:10:16,654
No, really, you were so good.
221
00:10:16,665 --> 00:10:19,551
I-I doubt I'll get a single vote.
222
00:10:19,562 --> 00:10:20,809
Oh. Very nice.
223
00:10:20,820 --> 00:10:22,790
So, what do you want to do now?
224
00:10:22,801 --> 00:10:24,951
Oh, I don't know. We could catch up.
225
00:10:24,962 --> 00:10:26,584
I really have thought about you
226
00:10:26,595 --> 00:10:29,197
quite a bit these last few years.
227
00:10:29,208 --> 00:10:31,243
- I guess our Uber is here.
- Yeah.
228
00:10:31,254 --> 00:10:32,790
- Oh.
- Not our Uber.
229
00:10:32,801 --> 00:10:34,203
Oh! Ow.
230
00:10:34,214 --> 00:10:35,549
What the hell?!
231
00:10:43,595 --> 00:10:48,185
European Middle Ages, in
which monks wore hoods or cowls...
232
00:10:48,196 --> 00:10:50,089
This is triggering
because I was blind as a child,
233
00:10:50,100 --> 00:10:51,443
and I'm having flashbacks.
234
00:10:51,454 --> 00:10:53,725
Enough! Be quiet!
235
00:10:53,908 --> 00:10:55,252
You guys can join us,
236
00:10:55,263 --> 00:10:57,536
but if you're hoping to
get any interesting footage,
237
00:10:57,547 --> 00:10:59,751
you came to exactly the wrong place.
238
00:11:05,622 --> 00:11:08,086
- Ow.
- Where-where are we?
239
00:11:08,877 --> 00:11:10,181
Wait, a-are you...
240
00:11:10,192 --> 00:11:12,609
Okay. Uh, so,
241
00:11:12,620 --> 00:11:14,930
calling to order this emergency meeting
242
00:11:14,941 --> 00:11:18,248
of the Supreme Council
of Energy Vampires.
243
00:11:18,288 --> 00:11:19,314
It's real?
244
00:11:19,325 --> 00:11:20,796
I'd always heard rumors, but...
245
00:11:20,900 --> 00:11:23,138
A-Are we in trouble?
246
00:11:23,149 --> 00:11:25,212
Well, uh, what we have here
247
00:11:25,223 --> 00:11:27,962
is a situation in...
248
00:11:27,973 --> 00:11:30,007
Sorry, let me turn that off.
249
00:11:30,018 --> 00:11:33,425
So annoying, right?
Like, "Okay, Boomer."
250
00:11:33,436 --> 00:11:36,442
As I-I was saying, uh,
what we do have here
251
00:11:36,453 --> 00:11:38,790
is a situation in which we...
252
00:11:39,336 --> 00:11:41,155
- Hey.
- Uh, what you're gonna want to do
253
00:11:41,166 --> 00:11:43,749
is go to your home screen
254
00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:45,566
and look for "Settings."
255
00:11:45,577 --> 00:11:47,306
- I'm not... I'm not seeing that.
- And you open that up,
256
00:11:47,317 --> 00:11:48,600
and you're looking for "Alerts."
257
00:11:48,611 --> 00:11:50,306
- It should be listed alphabetical,
- I...
258
00:11:50,317 --> 00:11:52,753
- so "Alerts" would be at the top of that.
- I am not seeing that.
259
00:11:52,764 --> 00:11:54,327
It could also be
under "Sounds and Haptics."
260
00:11:54,338 --> 00:11:56,206
I don't know what operating
system you're running.
261
00:11:56,217 --> 00:11:58,893
Sorry I'm late. What'd I miss?
262
00:11:58,904 --> 00:12:01,329
You're not late. You were actually
sitting there the whole time.
263
00:12:01,340 --> 00:12:03,044
Yeah, but I-I wasn't listening,
264
00:12:03,055 --> 00:12:05,878
so could somebody bring
me up to speed, please?
265
00:12:05,889 --> 00:12:09,212
They were asking if they're
in trouble, and I was saying that
266
00:12:09,223 --> 00:12:12,267
what we have here is
a situation in which...
267
00:12:12,278 --> 00:12:13,897
- Shucks.
- Home screen.
268
00:12:13,908 --> 00:12:16,178
- Okay. Mm.
- "Settings."
269
00:12:16,189 --> 00:12:18,916
Alert settings, and then
what you're gonna need to do
270
00:12:18,927 --> 00:12:21,835
- is find the, uh...
- My God, they are fantastic.
271
00:12:21,846 --> 00:12:23,452
Oh, yeah. This is awful.
272
00:12:23,463 --> 00:12:24,689
Maybe we should move on
273
00:12:24,700 --> 00:12:26,002
to the business at hand?
274
00:12:26,091 --> 00:12:28,411
- We can't hear you.
- Just speak up.
275
00:12:28,422 --> 00:12:30,794
Oh, sorry. One moment.
276
00:12:30,805 --> 00:12:32,409
Just speak up.
277
00:12:33,113 --> 00:12:34,995
Shake it.
278
00:12:35,006 --> 00:12:36,268
Okay. How about now?
279
00:12:36,279 --> 00:12:37,622
- No, no. Shake it.
- Mm-mmm.
280
00:12:37,633 --> 00:12:39,270
Y-You're gonna need to speak up.
281
00:12:39,281 --> 00:12:42,187
Maybe it's the Wi-Fi
connection. I'm literally shouting.
282
00:12:42,198 --> 00:12:44,115
That would literally have
nothing to do with it.
283
00:12:44,126 --> 00:12:48,336
Uh, why don't you check
the XLR cable connection.
284
00:12:48,347 --> 00:12:50,385
Colin Robinson, Evie Russell,
285
00:12:50,396 --> 00:12:51,830
you have been summoned here...
286
00:12:51,841 --> 00:12:54,202
Does somebody want to
interrupt her and let her know
287
00:12:54,213 --> 00:12:56,684
that, at this point, she
is completely inaudible?
288
00:12:56,695 --> 00:12:59,300
Yeah, no problem. You're
not-you're not audible
289
00:12:59,311 --> 00:13:00,847
due to the low volume
290
00:13:00,858 --> 00:13:03,030
- of your microphone.
- I'm shouting.
291
00:13:04,097 --> 00:13:05,915
I am blowing up today.
292
00:13:05,926 --> 00:13:09,243
Listen, uh, if we don't survive this,
293
00:13:09,254 --> 00:13:11,075
I-I just want you to know that
294
00:13:11,086 --> 00:13:12,513
- I've always loved...
- Colin Robinson,
295
00:13:12,524 --> 00:13:15,229
no side conversations, please.
296
00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:16,942
I am at a loss.
297
00:13:16,953 --> 00:13:18,346
Do we have an agenda?
298
00:13:18,357 --> 00:13:19,593
System settings.
299
00:13:19,604 --> 00:13:21,047
I have something called Settings?
300
00:13:21,058 --> 00:13:22,729
My good friend Alexander
301
00:13:22,740 --> 00:13:24,811
has yet to call me
back on the telephone.
302
00:13:24,822 --> 00:13:26,883
Who is that? Is that Alexander?
303
00:13:26,894 --> 00:13:28,764
No. Why would I be talking to Alexander?
304
00:13:28,775 --> 00:13:31,848
I gave Alexander your number
because I do not have a phone.
305
00:13:31,859 --> 00:13:35,667
Does this fill me with a
crippling sense of self-doubt?
306
00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:37,313
Sometimes.
307
00:13:37,324 --> 00:13:38,652
It's not fair!
308
00:13:38,663 --> 00:13:41,769
Perhaps we are just too
different to be friends.
309
00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:43,717
But I can fix.
310
00:13:44,559 --> 00:13:46,565
Master, you know I would
do anything for you, but
311
00:13:46,576 --> 00:13:48,480
I'm not gonna circumcise you.
312
00:13:48,491 --> 00:13:49,928
Here's me in the corner.
313
00:13:50,185 --> 00:13:53,358
Here's me in the spotlight
at my circumcision.
314
00:13:53,369 --> 00:13:54,462
Master, you just can't get circumcised
315
00:13:54,473 --> 00:13:55,631
for a friend you met at the gym.
316
00:13:55,642 --> 00:13:57,079
Guillermo, there's no other way.
317
00:13:57,090 --> 00:13:58,259
How can two men be friends
318
00:13:58,270 --> 00:13:59,475
when they are so different?
319
00:13:59,486 --> 00:14:00,528
You and I are different.
320
00:14:00,539 --> 00:14:02,709
You are. I am not.
321
00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:04,990
It's time for you
322
00:14:05,001 --> 00:14:07,906
to snip my tip.
323
00:14:08,814 --> 00:14:10,545
Enjoy.
324
00:14:12,109 --> 00:14:15,560
Hello, my sexy, Greek, extended family.
325
00:14:15,571 --> 00:14:17,449
Ah, Laszlo.
326
00:14:17,460 --> 00:14:19,322
Gather round. I have
something I want to say.
327
00:14:19,333 --> 00:14:21,337
Oh, Laszlo, Yia-Yia.
328
00:14:21,348 --> 00:14:24,141
The memory of a song,
when executed properly,
329
00:14:24,152 --> 00:14:26,179
can be a powerful gift.
330
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:38,070
Had my sweet love, Laszlo,
consulted me before just
331
00:14:38,081 --> 00:14:40,208
putting on a big concert
in front of my new family,
332
00:14:40,219 --> 00:14:43,058
I would have probably said
maybe don't sing the battle hymn
333
00:14:43,069 --> 00:14:45,807
of our neighboring
island, Nisida Mongonisi,
334
00:14:45,818 --> 00:14:48,558
because that place is the
home of our mortal enemies,
335
00:14:48,569 --> 00:14:51,135
the Nisida Mongonisans.
336
00:14:51,146 --> 00:14:53,070
- Hold on a second, my...
- Shut up!
337
00:14:53,730 --> 00:14:55,300
Who told you that was a good idea?!
338
00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:56,747
- All right, my darling.
- You were singing,
339
00:14:56,758 --> 00:14:58,328
"Kill them, kill them, kill them."
340
00:14:58,339 --> 00:15:00,711
How many times have I
said that to you in Greek?
341
00:15:01,954 --> 00:15:03,925
We can't hear you.
342
00:15:03,936 --> 00:15:05,572
You're just gonna need to speak up.
343
00:15:06,129 --> 00:15:09,621
Feels like we should turn this over
to the chairman at this point.
344
00:15:09,632 --> 00:15:12,965
Yes. Uh, so, uh, do we...
345
00:15:12,976 --> 00:15:15,985
- Um...
- Hello. Yes.
346
00:15:15,996 --> 00:15:17,866
I can take it from here.
347
00:15:19,396 --> 00:15:21,604
Thank you for softening them up.
348
00:15:21,615 --> 00:15:23,487
Okay. Now, who is this?
349
00:15:23,498 --> 00:15:25,125
- The Chairman.
- Uh, you've worked with her
350
00:15:25,136 --> 00:15:27,388
- for 15 years now.
- Is that right?
351
00:15:27,399 --> 00:15:28,790
Did she get a haircut or something?
352
00:15:28,801 --> 00:15:30,333
Colin Robinson.
353
00:15:30,344 --> 00:15:33,089
Your opponent Barbara Lazarro's platform
354
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:35,472
is a direct threat to the lifeblood
355
00:15:35,483 --> 00:15:38,079
of energy vampires, which is...
356
00:15:38,483 --> 00:15:39,865
what's the word...
357
00:15:40,519 --> 00:15:41,923
bureaucracy.
358
00:15:41,991 --> 00:15:44,715
- Bureaucracy.
- And bureaucracy is...
359
00:15:44,726 --> 00:15:47,365
How do I put this? I feel like there's
360
00:15:47,376 --> 00:15:48,746
- a slogan...
- Oh.
361
00:15:48,856 --> 00:15:50,558
Bureaucracy is the gum
362
00:15:50,569 --> 00:15:53,547
that clogs the gears
of every human endeavor.
363
00:15:53,558 --> 00:15:55,852
The petty BS, in triplicate,
364
00:15:55,863 --> 00:15:57,002
that reminds
365
00:15:57,013 --> 00:15:59,473
the common man that
he is a useless speck
366
00:15:59,484 --> 00:16:01,390
and has kept energy vampires
367
00:16:01,401 --> 00:16:04,347
everywhere well-fed, fat, and happy.
368
00:16:04,358 --> 00:16:06,770
All hail bureaucracy.
369
00:16:06,781 --> 00:16:09,252
Enough. I can't take it anymore.
370
00:16:09,263 --> 00:16:12,217
Why are we here? W-What
do you want us to do?
371
00:16:12,228 --> 00:16:14,837
You must beat Barbara Lazarro,
372
00:16:14,848 --> 00:16:15,917
or else.
373
00:16:15,928 --> 00:16:18,663
How do you expect me
to beat Barbara Lazarro?
374
00:16:18,674 --> 00:16:19,943
I-I can't win.
375
00:16:19,954 --> 00:16:21,142
Even if I could,
376
00:16:21,153 --> 00:16:23,350
I don't even want to be comptroller.
377
00:16:23,361 --> 00:16:25,585
This is how we feed, dummy.
378
00:16:25,596 --> 00:16:28,201
You need to protect our way of life.
379
00:16:28,212 --> 00:16:29,214
What if I don't?
380
00:16:29,935 --> 00:16:34,020
We have certain methods
for persuading the reluctant.
381
00:16:36,786 --> 00:16:38,592
Turn it around. It's backwards.
382
00:16:38,603 --> 00:16:40,014
- I can't see it.
- It's backwards.
383
00:16:40,025 --> 00:16:43,453
Turn it so it faces them,
but also is facing me.
384
00:16:43,464 --> 00:16:46,002
Turn it so the screen is facing us.
385
00:16:46,013 --> 00:16:47,607
- No, they can't see it.
- To the left more.
386
00:16:47,618 --> 00:16:48,916
- Left, left.
- Please be more expedient.
387
00:16:48,927 --> 00:16:50,003
Thank you.
388
00:16:50,014 --> 00:16:53,574
Slide one of 543:
389
00:16:53,585 --> 00:16:55,922
"Hurry Up and Wait: An Argument for
390
00:16:55,933 --> 00:16:57,119
and Statistical Review...
391
00:16:57,130 --> 00:16:59,697
- Make it stop.
- ... of Energy Vampire Preservation...
392
00:16:59,708 --> 00:17:01,549
- It's too much.
- ... Via Bureaucracy,
393
00:17:01,567 --> 00:17:03,399
- Secured Only Through..."
- Fine. Fine.
394
00:17:03,410 --> 00:17:04,985
We-We'll do it, just...
395
00:17:04,996 --> 00:17:06,921
please let us out of here.
396
00:17:06,932 --> 00:17:08,965
Thanks, but we-we're
still gonna read it.
397
00:17:08,976 --> 00:17:10,839
Just to reiterate. Still gonna
398
00:17:10,850 --> 00:17:13,250
- watch it and read it.
- "Part One, Section One... "
399
00:17:15,912 --> 00:17:18,772
And I'm here to fight for
the change you deserve,
400
00:17:18,783 --> 00:17:22,292
Staten Island. And with
all of you, my Colin-izers,
401
00:17:22,303 --> 00:17:24,322
by my side, I can't lose.
402
00:17:24,333 --> 00:17:27,068
I'm so full of passion,
403
00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:28,616
I just want to scream!
404
00:17:31,046 --> 00:17:34,119
And now we're off to Mariners Harbor,
405
00:17:34,130 --> 00:17:35,365
Midland Beach,
406
00:17:35,376 --> 00:17:38,482
Randall Manor. Yee-haw!
407
00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:40,537
Okay. I'm just gonna take
408
00:17:40,548 --> 00:17:42,999
a quick break now to settle down.
409
00:17:43,010 --> 00:17:45,662
I can't keep doing this.
410
00:17:45,673 --> 00:17:48,390
Uh, I can't keep pretending to be
411
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:51,050
Mr. Charisma to all these nimrods.
412
00:17:51,061 --> 00:17:52,214
It's awful.
413
00:17:52,225 --> 00:17:54,322
But the Energy Vampire Council said
414
00:17:54,333 --> 00:17:57,005
we have to win, or else.
415
00:17:58,062 --> 00:17:59,799
No. No. No.
416
00:17:59,837 --> 00:18:02,412
Enough. It ends now.
417
00:18:02,423 --> 00:18:04,360
What?
418
00:18:04,371 --> 00:18:06,240
Okay, where was I?
419
00:18:06,251 --> 00:18:08,922
Let's see here. Meiers Corners.
420
00:18:08,933 --> 00:18:11,683
Graniteville. How about Fort Wadsworth?
421
00:18:11,694 --> 00:18:13,031
Do I hear anyone from
422
00:18:13,042 --> 00:18:14,744
Randall Manor?!
423
00:18:14,755 --> 00:18:17,427
All right!
424
00:18:17,733 --> 00:18:19,070
What?
425
00:18:19,081 --> 00:18:22,153
Oh, i-it-it's not what it looks like.
426
00:18:22,164 --> 00:18:24,133
I was just beating off
427
00:18:24,144 --> 00:18:25,981
to all your beautiful faces
428
00:18:25,992 --> 00:18:27,823
during the break, and I-I guess
429
00:18:27,834 --> 00:18:31,174
I forgot to pull up my-my pants.
430
00:18:31,705 --> 00:18:34,577
So, I waited, like,
431
00:18:34,588 --> 00:18:36,072
five hours at the gym
432
00:18:36,083 --> 00:18:38,254
to bump into my friend Alexander.
433
00:18:38,627 --> 00:18:41,201
Then, when he finally did show up...
434
00:18:41,212 --> 00:18:44,294
Alexander! Come on. Oh, Alexander!
435
00:18:44,305 --> 00:18:45,775
I don't know.
436
00:18:45,786 --> 00:18:48,425
Maybe I rushed things a
little with my big reveal.
437
00:18:48,475 --> 00:18:51,748
Alexander! Ta-da!
438
00:18:51,759 --> 00:18:52,994
Twins.
439
00:18:53,378 --> 00:18:54,680
Alexander, wait.
440
00:18:54,691 --> 00:18:56,163
I got to get out of this fucking city.
441
00:18:56,174 --> 00:18:57,209
Alexander!
442
00:18:57,239 --> 00:18:58,809
The excitement of our friendship
443
00:18:58,820 --> 00:19:01,195
made me overlook my vampire powers.
444
00:19:01,206 --> 00:19:02,212
Hi.
445
00:19:02,223 --> 00:19:04,962
My foreskin grew back very fast.
446
00:19:04,973 --> 00:19:06,910
Now he thinks I'm meshuggener,
447
00:19:07,118 --> 00:19:10,086
which means he thinks I'm
a little bit of a putz.
448
00:19:17,799 --> 00:19:19,470
Shh.
449
00:19:21,234 --> 00:19:22,403
Shh. Pss, pss, pss, pss.
450
00:19:22,414 --> 00:19:25,352
No, don't stop,
not on my account. Keep going.
451
00:19:25,363 --> 00:19:28,650
Now, I know I'm different from
you people, but I am who I am.
452
00:19:28,661 --> 00:19:30,746
"And who are you?" I hear you ask.
453
00:19:30,757 --> 00:19:32,714
- Fuck's sake.
- Well, that's a good question.
454
00:19:32,725 --> 00:19:34,496
I...
455
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:36,879
am an esteemed British gentleman,
456
00:19:37,051 --> 00:19:38,721
well-bred to the manor born.
457
00:19:38,732 --> 00:19:40,536
I can speak 14 languages,
458
00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:42,023
as long as they are English.
459
00:19:42,034 --> 00:19:43,625
I can play any instrument,
460
00:19:43,636 --> 00:19:45,203
apart from bagpipes.
461
00:19:45,214 --> 00:19:47,352
They sound fucking terrible to everyone.
462
00:19:47,363 --> 00:19:49,021
I can fashion any tree,
463
00:19:49,032 --> 00:19:50,888
any hedge, into a vulva.
464
00:19:50,899 --> 00:19:55,553
In the days before medicine,
I survived gonorrhea, chlamydia,
465
00:19:55,564 --> 00:19:58,437
the plague, clubfoot, leprosy,
466
00:19:58,448 --> 00:20:01,020
black fever, yellow fever,
467
00:20:01,374 --> 00:20:03,043
night fever.
468
00:20:03,078 --> 00:20:05,282
But most important, and I must emphasize
469
00:20:05,293 --> 00:20:07,630
that this is the most
important thing about me:
470
00:20:08,555 --> 00:20:12,090
I am a certified master cocksman.
471
00:20:12,101 --> 00:20:13,704
To cut this short
472
00:20:13,715 --> 00:20:15,185
and to get straight to the point,
473
00:20:15,196 --> 00:20:18,068
you can all go f-f-fuck yourselves.
474
00:20:18,079 --> 00:20:19,505
Oh, for fuck's sake, Laszlo.
475
00:20:19,516 --> 00:20:21,540
Very hard.
476
00:20:25,866 --> 00:20:27,354
What's she doing, my love?
477
00:20:27,426 --> 00:20:28,777
What's happening?
478
00:20:35,809 --> 00:20:38,473
By some stroke of dumb luck,
479
00:20:38,484 --> 00:20:41,736
my new family absolutely
bloody love Laszlo.
480
00:20:41,747 --> 00:20:43,995
You see, there is a tale in my country
481
00:20:44,006 --> 00:20:45,977
that has been passed
down through generations
482
00:20:45,988 --> 00:20:47,876
of a wet-headed,
483
00:20:47,887 --> 00:20:50,058
wide-bodied, ignorant oaf,
484
00:20:50,069 --> 00:20:52,071
with the brains of a chewing gums.
485
00:20:52,082 --> 00:20:55,517
This spirit is said to
continually reincarnate itself,
486
00:20:55,528 --> 00:20:58,680
but always as a pompous, perverted oaf.
487
00:20:58,691 --> 00:21:01,039
And my family think it is, well,
488
00:21:01,050 --> 00:21:02,228
Laszlo.
489
00:21:02,239 --> 00:21:04,992
And when you are in the
presence of this spirit,
490
00:21:05,003 --> 00:21:07,973
it brings good luck and
good fortune to everyone.
491
00:21:07,984 --> 00:21:11,469
- Hello there. How are you?
- Vasiliás Pyuroni.
492
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:13,651
The king of pigs.
493
00:21:13,662 --> 00:21:16,120
My king of pigs.
494
00:21:17,377 --> 00:21:20,283
He's very, very, very stupid.
495
00:21:20,519 --> 00:21:23,859
I want to say to my young boys,
496
00:21:24,186 --> 00:21:26,490
uh, Connor and Cra...
497
00:21:26,501 --> 00:21:28,505
Christoph... pher,
498
00:21:28,516 --> 00:21:32,090
to them, I say I'm sorry,
Daddy's coming home.
499
00:21:33,766 --> 00:21:36,438
I-I'd like to say a few words myself.
500
00:21:37,759 --> 00:21:39,931
Thank you in advance
501
00:21:40,098 --> 00:21:43,638
for respecting my family's privacy...
502
00:21:43,998 --> 00:21:46,407
don't touch me...
503
00:21:46,418 --> 00:21:50,426
while we deal with
this isolated incident
504
00:21:51,116 --> 00:21:53,220
in which my husband
505
00:21:53,231 --> 00:21:55,737
flashed and mooned
506
00:21:56,044 --> 00:21:59,872
the beautiful voters of Staten Island
507
00:21:59,883 --> 00:22:02,529
after a poorly-timed
508
00:22:02,540 --> 00:22:04,377
masturbation sesh.
509
00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:08,930
As well as the isolated
incident in which
510
00:22:08,941 --> 00:22:10,584
we woke up to
511
00:22:10,595 --> 00:22:13,134
what sounded like a
burglar in our house,
512
00:22:13,145 --> 00:22:15,424
and my husband immediately yelled,
513
00:22:15,435 --> 00:22:18,307
"Take her and my kids, don't take me"
514
00:22:18,318 --> 00:22:19,774
before realizing...
515
00:22:19,785 --> 00:22:22,589
... it was just a
racoon outside our house.
516
00:22:23,164 --> 00:22:25,291
This man has let us all down.
517
00:22:25,302 --> 00:22:26,839
But I will make it up to you
518
00:22:26,850 --> 00:22:30,841
by becoming your next
borough comptroller.
519
00:22:31,958 --> 00:22:33,562
All right!
520
00:22:38,474 --> 00:22:40,817
I was surprised that
521
00:22:40,828 --> 00:22:43,183
Evie ran in my place.
522
00:22:43,194 --> 00:22:46,186
Only 18 people voted.
523
00:22:46,197 --> 00:22:47,933
So, with the write-in votes
524
00:22:47,944 --> 00:22:49,685
that Evie got from her
525
00:22:49,696 --> 00:22:51,166
breakup group...
526
00:22:51,861 --> 00:22:54,133
well, it was enough to carry the day.
527
00:22:54,144 --> 00:22:56,400
I think she'll do the council proud.
528
00:22:56,411 --> 00:22:59,416
- I-I'm happy for her.
- Colin Robinson.
529
00:22:59,883 --> 00:23:02,315
Evie Russell. What are you doing here?
530
00:23:02,326 --> 00:23:04,564
I wanted to let you know...
531
00:23:07,186 --> 00:23:08,355
I'm sad.
532
00:23:08,494 --> 00:23:11,968
Why? I thought you'd
enjoy being comptroller.
533
00:23:12,375 --> 00:23:14,285
I'm sad because
534
00:23:14,747 --> 00:23:16,885
we can't see each other anymore.
535
00:23:17,827 --> 00:23:20,301
But maybe you and I
536
00:23:20,312 --> 00:23:23,720
could meet up every once in a while
537
00:23:23,731 --> 00:23:26,133
- and later...
- I don't want to do that.
538
00:23:26,144 --> 00:23:28,181
- But maybe w-we can...
- I-I'm sorry.
539
00:23:28,192 --> 00:23:30,998
- I should give this back to you.
- Yeah, I want this back.
540
00:23:31,026 --> 00:23:32,980
I hope you didn't pay too much for it.
541
00:23:32,991 --> 00:23:35,250
It gave me a rash, so
I think it's made of
542
00:23:35,261 --> 00:23:36,863
some kind of really cheap metal.
543
00:23:36,874 --> 00:23:38,378
It's not metal.
544
00:23:38,389 --> 00:23:40,289
Oh. Well...
545
00:23:40,545 --> 00:23:43,284
I wish it didn't have to be this way.
546
00:23:46,336 --> 00:23:48,641
Evie, wh-why?
547
00:23:48,809 --> 00:23:51,214
It's...
548
00:23:51,687 --> 00:23:53,757
complicated.
549
00:23:56,264 --> 00:23:57,947
Nancy Meyers,
550
00:23:58,047 --> 00:23:59,817
2009.
551
00:24:14,993 --> 00:24:17,074
Nothing like spending some
quality time with old frien...
552
00:24:17,085 --> 00:24:18,503
Shh! Shut the fuck up.
553
00:24:18,514 --> 00:24:20,819
I'm trying to watch a movie here.
554
00:25:06,369 --> 00:25:11,369
- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.addic7ed.com -
39445
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