Original subtitles

PREVIOUSLY ON THE L WORD...

DON'T DO IT, TINA.

THAT WOMAN WILL EAT YOU ALIVE.

SHE IS A VAMPIRE.

YEAH, AND A DRAGON.

THAT'S RIGHT. SHE IS A MONSTER.

MEET MY EX,

WINNIE MANN.

I SHOULD GO.

DON'T BE INTIMIDATED BY HER.

NO, DO.

LEO HERRERA. NICE TO MEET YOU.

I'M HERE TO RAISE MONEY, BETTE, NOT TAKE YOUR JOB.

THEY WOULD BE SILLY TO LET ME GO.

THERE IS A HAPPY NEW COUPLE IN THE HOUSE,

ALICE AND DANA!

I DON'T KNOW WHY I LEFT LAST NIGHT.

I THINK BECAUSE YOU LIKE SHANE.

OH, GOODNESS.

THAT'S WHAT I CALL GOOD FILMMAKING.

I WANT YOU TO CALL MY FRIEND

BURR CONNOR.

DO YOU KNOW WHO HE IS?

HE'S AN INTERESTING MAN,

AND HE'S WRITING HIS MEMOIRS FOR DUTTON.

FUCKING CRAZY BITCH.

FUCK YOU!

HEY!

GET OFF, MAN.

FUCK!

WE CONCEIVED OF THIS BABY TOGETHER,

AND YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY BE PART OF HER LIFE.

HER.

WE'RE DONE FOR NOW.

WE'D BE CLEAR TO BARKER PASS BY NOW

IF YOU HADN'T BROUGHT

THAT UPPITY PREACHER'S DAUGHTER.

SOMETIMES A MAN'S GOT TO DO WHAT A MAN'S GOT TO DO.

YEAH.

LOOKING FOR THESE, BOYS?

WHAT THE...

FOR LAST NIGHT.

FOR THIS MORNING.

NEXT TIME, DON'T UNDERCOOK THE YOLKS.

AND CUT!

ARE YOU OKAY?

DO I GET EXTRA PAY FOR THAT?

BACK TO ONES, EVERYBODY.

GET THE HELL OFF OF HIM.

OH, SHIT!

OH!

BURR, COME ON.

BURR!

BURR! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

GO ON!

DON'T COME BACK!

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

IT IS ABSOLUTELY MY BUSINESS.

WHAT IF THAT KID TALKS, HUH?

DO YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?

HUH?

WHAT IF HE GOES TO THE STAR,

AND HE SAYS THAT ROD SEBRING IS AN ASS BANDIT?

NO. NO, BEN WOULDN'T DO THAT.

BEN WOULDN'T DO THAT.

NO, HE WOULDN'T.

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.

AND I HAVE TOO MUCH RIDING ON THIS PICTURE.

BURR. BURR!

ON 88.1 AND KCRU OXNARD-VENTURA...

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

GOD, DON'T FREAK.

IT'S SUNDAY.

WE'RE ALLOWED TO GET UP LATE.

ALICE, IT'S MONDAY.

NO, MM-MM.

NO, IT'S SUNDAY.

ALICE, THINK ABOUT IT.

YESTERDAY WE GOT BRUNCH DELIVERED,

AND THEN THE NIGHT BEFORE

WE WATCHED SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.

RIGHT!

OH, FUCK!

OH, MY GOD.

I HAVE MY KCRW THING TOMORROW.

I HAVEN'T COME UP WITH A SINGLE IDEA.

I'M TOTALLY FUCKING UP.

OH, GOD.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO FOR MY AUDITION?

A ONCE-A-WEEK, THREE-MINUTE CULTURE SPOT.

RIGHT.

I NEED FUCKING IDEAS.

PEOPLE WHO RUIN THEIR LIVES

BECAUSE THEY CAN'T STOP HAVING SEX?

OKAY, THAT'S REALLY NOT HELPING.

I'M SORRY.

LOOK, YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE

WHO'S BLOWN OFF IMPORTANT THINGS

TO STAY IN BED FUCKING FOR FIVE DAYS, OKAY?

I SHOULD BE TRAINING.

YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE TRAINING, SO...

ALL RIGHT, LOOK.

I'M GOING TO GO MAKE US SOME COFFEE, OKAY?

OKAY.

OKAY.

WORK.

OKAY. GET TO WORK.

OKAY, OKAY.

HEY. HEY.

HI.

I GOT YOU TEA.

I WASN'T SURE

WHAT ELSE YOU'RE EATING THESE DAYS, BUT...

THANK YOU.

THAT'S NICE.

I SPOKE TO DAN FOXWORTHY THIS MORNING.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT GOING BACK TO THERAPY.

OH, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THERAPY.

I THINK WE SHOULD JUST FOCUS ON THE BABY.

OH, NOT FOR US.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT GOING TO SEE HIM MYSELF.

OH.

THAT'S GREAT.

THAT'S REALLY GREAT.

IT'LL BE GOOD FOR YOU.

YEAH.

CAN I JUST SAY ONE THING?

YOU CAN SAY ANYTHING YOU WANT.

NO, I CAN'T.

THAT YOU DON'T EXACTLY WANT TO HEAR

WHAT I HAVE TO SAY RIGHT NOW,

AND THAT'S FINE,

BUT I...

I NEVER GOT TO SAY HOW HAPPY I AM FOR YOU...

FOR US.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE HAPPY.

IT SHOULD BE YOUR HAPPINESS, TOO.

LET'S, UM, JUST FOCUS ON BEING REALLY GOOD PARENTS.

IT'LL BE A NEW KIND OF PARTNERSHIP FOR US.

YEAH.

MY TEACHER, CHARLOTTE BIRCH,

IS PUSHING ME,

AND I'M REALLY FREAKED OUT.

BECAUSE SHE'S INTIMATING

THERE'S SOME KIND OF MYSTERIOUS CHALLENGE

IN ALL OF THIS FOR ME.

OKAY, WELL, CAN I TELL YOU

WHAT I THINK ABOUT CHARLOTTE?

I THINK... WHAT?

YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON HER.

NO, I DON'T.

I THINK YOU DO,

AND I THINK IT'S TOTALLY OKAY,

AND I THINK THAT YOU ARE ALLOWED

TO HAVE A CRUSH ON YOUR TEACHER,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK YOU SHOULD GO FOR IT.

TOTALLY GO FOR IT.

FUCK YOU.

WHAT?

YOU WANT ME TO BE JEALOUS?

WELL, IF YOU THINK ABOUT FUCKING HER,

I WILL KILL YOU.

MY NEXT SONOGRAM

IS WEDNESDAY THE 7th AT 10:00 A.M.

WELL, I'D LOVE TO BE THERE.

I MEAN, IF THAT'S OKAY WITH YOU.

I'D REALLY LIKE TO SEE OUR BABY.

HOW EXCITING.

ARE YOU READY TO GO?

THE AGENT HAS FOUR LISTINGS

LINED UP FOR US.

WE'RE REAL ESTATE HUNTING.

REAL ESTATE HUNTING.

OH, HELENA WANTS TO

RENT A HOUSE IN L.A.

THE CHATEAU MARMONT IS GETTING SO TEDIOUS.

I CAN'T WALK

FROM ONE END OF THE LOBBY TO THE OTHER

WITHOUT BEING OFFERED TO DO BLOW

OR FINANCE FOUR INDEPENDENT FILMS

STARRING MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL.

ALL TOTALLY UNSOLICITED, I'M SURE.

TOTALLY.

UM...

I'LL SEE YOU ON THE 7th, OKAY?

I'LL CALL YOU.

OKAY.

LOOK, THE THING ABOUT REALITY

IS IT'S GOING TO DRAW THE AUDIENCE IN.

RIGHT.

BASICALLY,

I NEED PUSSY THAT WE CAN SMELL AND TASTE.

ABSOLUTELY. RIGHT. OF COURSE.

I MEAN...

THE THING ABOUT THIS FILM, THOUGH,

IS IT'S GOT THAT, BUT IT'S GOT MORE.

IT'S...

IT'S FASCINATING.

I MEAN,

WE'RE GIVING PEOPLE ACCESS TO A WORLD

THEY'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE, YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE JOURNALISTS WHO INFILTRATE MOSQUES. IT'S...

WHY AREN'T YOU SHOWING ME FOOTAGE?

USUALLY I DON'T WRITE CHECKS SIGHT UNSEEN.

I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND.

I JUST NEED A LITTLE MORE TIME.

I MEAN, THIS ISN'T SCRIPTED, SO...

SOMETHING HAPPENING THAT'S REAL,

BUT WE CAN'T FORCE...

WE'LL CUT YOU SOMETHING TOGETHER, ERIC,

AND IT WILL BE DRIPPING WITH HOT LESBIAN PUSSY,

WON'T IT, DUDE?

YEAH, YEAH.

I'LL WORK ON CUTTING SOMETHING TOGETHER.

YOU CAN SHOW YOURSELVES OUT.

GREAT. WELL, THANK YOU.

YEAH, THANKS.

DID YOU SEE THE MOVIE HANNIBAL?

FREDDY VS. JASON?

OH, PLEASE, YOU DON'T HONESTLY THINK

WITH A LIST OF THE OWNER'S MEDIOCRE MOVIES

IS REALLY GOING TO INFLUENCE

WHETHER I RENT THIS PROPERTY OR NOT?

MAY I SEE THE SPECS, PLEASE?

I THINK I'M GOING TO GO TAKE A LOOK AROUND.

OKAY...

BUT DON'T GO TOO FAR.

SO I'M ASSUMING

THE TENANT WILL MOVE OUT OF THE GUEST HOUSE

IF I DECIDE TO RENT THIS BEHEMOTH.

NOW, WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME

ABOUT THE HOUSEHOLD STAFF

THAT COME ALONG WITH THIS PROPERTY?

OKAY, LISTEN TO THIS.

"WALKING THROUGH FRED SEGAL

"EARLIER THIS WEEK,

"I COULD SENSE ALL WAS NOT RIGHT

"IN THE WORLD OF CONSUMERISM.

SOMETHING'S WRONG."

YOU SAID THAT.

WHAT?

WELL, YOU SAID, "ALL WAS NOT RIGHT,"

AND THEN YOU SAID, "SOMETHING'S WRONG."

JUST...

IT SEEMS REDUNDANT.

OKAY? MAY I?

YEAH. YES.

OKAY.

"THERE'S AN INVASION UNDERWAY.

"OUR TROOPS ARE IN IRAQ, IN AFGHANISTAN,

AND WE ARE HERE, SHOPPING."

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOUR VOICE?

IT'S MY RADIO COMMENTATOR VOICE.

YOU HAVE TO HAVE ONE.

CAN I CONTINUE NOW?

YEAH, SORRY.

THANK YOU.

OKAY.

"IS THE MAIN MISSION OF OUR TROOPS

"THE PROTECTION OF OUR WAY OF LIFE?

"AND IS OUR WAY OF LIFE DEFINED BY CONSUMERISM?

"ARE WOMEN AND MEN DYING IN IRAQ

"SO THAT BACK HOME

WE CAN STILL SHOP TILL WE DROP?"

IS CONSUMERISM THE RIGHT WORD?

WELL, IT'S A LITTLE VULGAR...

BUT IT'S AMUSING.

COULD YOU LIVE LIKE THIS?

WHY DON'T WE FIND OUT?

HEY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WELL, I COULDN'T BE EXPECTED

TO RENT A PROPERTY LIKE THIS

WITHOUT SEEING IF IT'S CONDUCIVE...

TO THIS.

COULD YOU LIVE LIKE THIS?

HELENA, DID YOU SEE

THE MATCHING HIS-AND-HERS WALK-IN CLOSETS?

OR SHOULD I SAY HERS-AND-HERS?

SHANE.

HEY. HEY.

YOU'RE ALIVE.

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU AROUND.

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?

GOOD.

YEAH?

HOW'S, UH...

OH, IT'S BETTER.

THANK YOU.

I'VE BEEN WORRIED ABOUT IT.

THANKS.

UM, SO WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO?

WORK.

HAIR JOB OR VERONICA BLOOM JOB?

THE HAIR JOB.

IT'S A DAY CALL.

UH, WELL...

HAVE A GOOD ONE.

YOU TOO.

OKAY,

WHO WOULD MAKE OUT WITH A GUY FOR A MILLION DOLLARS?

MOST OF THIS STUFF IS JUST CRAP, MAN.

THEY'RE NOT DOING NOTHING BUT TALKING.

SOMETIMES THEY EAT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK,

LESBIANS JUST FUCK ALL THE TIME?

BUT IF THEY DON'T START SOON, WE'RE NOT GOING TO...

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS, MAN?

IT'S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING...

WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING NOSY?

GOD.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS.

WHO'S NEVER GOING TO GIVE YOU THE TIME OF DAY,

AND YOU'RE ROCK HARD FOR HER.

JESUS.

I BET YOU JUST FUCKING SIT HERE

ALL NIGHT

JACKING OFF WHILE YOU WATCH HER SLEEP.

GREAT.

THIS IS JUST FUCKING PERFECT.

WE'VE BEEN BEST FRIENDS FOR HOW LONG, HUH?

AND NOW YOU'RE GOING TO FUCK UP THIS GIG

WE'VE BEEN WORKING OUR ASSES OFF ON

FOR SOME CHICK?

NEWS FLASH, MAN.

THIS GIRL YOU'RE CRUSHING ON IS NEVER GOING TO BE WITH YOU.

YOU'VE GOT A REAL LIVE DICK,

AND THAT DISQUALIFIES YOU FROM GETTING UP IN THERE.

BETTE.

LEO AND I HAVE SOMETHING

WE'RE VERY EXCITED ABOUT

WE'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU.

LEO?

WE JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW

THAT HELENA PEABODY IS GOING TO BE JOINING

THE CAC STEERING COMMITTEE.

WHAT?

WE'RE GOING TO WELCOME HER

AT OUR REGULAR BOARD MEETING TOMORROW.

I'M SURE YOU CAN APPRECIATE

WHAT A COUP IT IS FOR THE CAC

TO HAVE A PEABODY ON OUR BOARD OF DIRECTORS,

AND NOT TO PUT TOO FINE A POINT ON IT,

BUT SHE'S BRINGING ALLYN BARNES WITH HER

TO HER FIRST BOARD OF DIRECTORS MEETING.

ALLYN BARNES IS COMING TO OUR BOARD MEETING?

MM-HMM.

ALLYN AND PEGGY ARE OLD FRIENDS.

SHE'S KNOWN HELENA

SINCE SHE WAS A LITTLE GIRL.

THERE'S A RUMOR THAT ALLYN BARNES

HAS BEEN CONTEMPLATING A CAREER RETROSPECTIVE.

THE MODERN'S BEEN AFTER HER FOR YEARS.

SHE'S PRETTY RESISTANT.

I MEAN, EVERYBODY KNOWS

ALLYN HATES THE ART WORLD,

BUT HELENA THINKS SHE MIGHT BE READY.

NOW, I'VE ASKED YOUR DEPARTMENT

TO PUT TOGETHER SOME PRESS CLIPPINGS

OF THE CAC

SO WE CAN PRESENT IT TO HER TOMORROW.

WELL, I'D LIKE TO GO OVER THOSE MATERIALS.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS LEO'S STRENGTH, BETTE.

WHY DON'T WE JUST LET HIM DO HIS THING.

WE'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW AT 6:00, HMM?

COME ON, LEO.

THIS IS MORE LIKE IT.

DO YOU THINK?

BETTE SAW THIS HOUSE IN ARCHITECTURAL DIGEST.

SHE SAID IT WAS

THE QUINTESSENTIAL CALIFORNIA BEACH HOUSE.

HMM, DID SHE NOW?

THERE ARE EIGHT BEDROOMS ALTOGETHER,

NOT INCLUDING THE GUEST HOUSE.

THERE'S A NANNY'S QUARTERS DOWN BELOW..

WHAT, WALTER?

PLEASE JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU HAVE TO TELL ME,

NO DIGRESSIONS.

AMAZING VIEW.

NO, NO, WALTER, I DO NOT EX...

WALTER, WHAT DID I CHARGE YOU WITH?

DON'T TELL ME THINGS I DON'T WANT TO HEAR.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I PAY YOU FOR.

DO YOU WANT TO SHOW ME THE KITCHEN?

WALTER, NO.

HERE'S WHAT'S HAPPENING.

I'M MOVING TO LOS ANGELES,

AND I WANT MY CHILDREN HERE WITH ME,

SO JUST FUCKING WELL MAKE IT HAPPEN

AND CALL ME WHEN IT'S DONE.

SO DO WE LIKE IT?

IT'S SPECTACULAR.

OKAY.

I'LL MOVE IN TOMORROW.

OKAY.

HI. I'M WINNIE MANN.

THANKS FOR SEEING ME.

REALLY NICE TO MEET YOU.

I, UM, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU WOULD BE BRINGING...

WELL, I DON'T HAVE A NANNY,

SO WHEN THE KIDS ARE WITH ME, THEY ARE WITH ME.

I HOPE IT'S NOT...

OH, NO, NO, IT'S FINE.

IT'S GREAT.

DO YOU REMEMBER ME?

WE MET IN NEW YORK.

DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

IT TAKES MORE THAN ONE MEETING.

OKAY.

WILSON, WAIT. UM, UH...

SWEETIE, SWEETIE, NO, NO, NO, NO.

OH...

SEE, THIS IS A RICHARD PRINCE,

AND IT GOES RIGHT THERE.

HEY, WOULD YOU GUYS LIKE TO GO SWIMMING?

YEAH, THAT'D BE GREAT!

YEAH, CAN WE?

UH, WELL, I DON'T REALLY SWIM.

DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT GO IN WITH THEM?

SURE.

IN ORDER TO MAKE THE CREPE BATTER,

WE HAVE TO USE SOME SIFTED FLOUR,

AND WE SIFTED SOME FLOUR ALREADY.

OKAY.

THEN THE NEXT THING THAT WE'RE GOING TO ADD...

OKAY, WILL YOU LISTEN TO THIS ONE?

OKAY, SO BASICALLY,

I'M GOING TO GET SOMEONE FROM THE LEFT,

SOMEONE FROM THE RIGHT,

SOMEONE FROM THE CENTER,

LOCAL ELECTED OFFICIALS, WHATEVER,

AND THEN I'M GOING TO

INTERVIEW THEM ABOUT TRENDS, OKAY?

SO, "STATE ATTORNEY GENERAL WACHTEL,

"HAVE YOU SHOPPED FOR YOUR NEW GRANDDAUGHTER

"AT THE NEW LA LA LING BABY STORE

IN LOS FELIZ?"

MM-HMM.

SO I'M TRYING TO GET AT THAT INTERSECTION

BETWEEN CULTURE AND POLITICS.

I DON'T KNOW.

AL, IT'S GOOD.

IT'S JUST...

IT'S NOT FUNNY.

IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY.

HELLO? HAVE YOU LISTENED TO KCRW?

WELL, YEAH,

BUT DIDN'T MIMI ASK YOU PERSONALLY

TO TRY OUT FOR THIS?

SO?

SO SHE MUST WANT YOU TO BE YOU.

NO, I'M NOT GOING TO BE A FUNNY PERSON ON THE RADIO.

WHY EVERYBODY THINKS I'M SO FUNNY.

BECAUSE YOU ARE.

ALICE, YOU'RE A FUNNY LADY,

AND IT'S ONE OF THE THINGS I LOVE ABOUT YOU,

AND I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE.

I DON'T LIKE YOU VERY MUCH RIGHT NOW.

IT MAKES ME SO HOT WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY.

OH, YEAH? OH, YEAH.

YOU'RE TOTALLY TOPPING ME AGAIN.

I'M SORRY.

I COULDN'T HEAR YOU THROUGH THE FEATHERS,

PILLOW QUEEN.

HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN A TOP?

I'M NOT A TOP.

YEAH, YOU ARE. UH-UH.

YEAH, YOU ARE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO?

WHAT?

I WANT YOU TO FUCK ME REALLY HARD

WITH A STRAP-ON.

BUT YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT NOW WITHOUT EVEN USING ONE.

OKAY.

YEAH?

TWIST MY ARM.

YOU KNOW, BETTE, I KNOW YOU DON'T KNOW ME,

BUT I'M TAKING A WILD SHOT

THAT MAYBE WE HAVE SOME INTERESTS IN COMMON.

WHAT ARE YOU ASKING ME TO DO?

I'D LIKE YOU TO BE A CHARACTER WITNESS

AGAINST YOU-KNOW-WHO.

I KNOW SHE'S COMING ON TO YOUR BOARD OF DIRECTORS.

YEAH, SHE'S EVERYWHERE.

I CAN'T SEEM TO GET AWAY FROM HER.

THAT'S HOW SHE DEALS.

SHE COLONIZES.

SHE FUCKING PLUNDERS AND PILLAGES.

AHEM.

OOH, I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY.

THAT WAS BAD.

BETTE,

WE'VE GOT A COURT HEARING IN SIX WEEKS.

YOU WANT ME TO APPEAR IN COURT?

YES.

JESUS, WINNIE, I DON'T KNOW.

I'M REALLY GOING TO HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT.

IT'S NOT JUST THAT SHE'S ON MY BOARD OF DIRECTORS.

BUT THERE'S TINA, THERE'S...

WELL, LOOK, I UNDERSTAND IF YOU DON'T WANT TO...

NO, IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T WANT TO.

BELIEVE ME, I WOULD LOVE NOTHING MORE

THAN TO STAND UP IN COURT AND SAY WHAT I THINK OF...

YOU-KNOW-WHO.

DO YOU WANT TO PLAY AGAIN?

YEAH. OKAY.

ONE, TWO...

THREE!

WHOA. WHOO!

UM...

I-I JUST SAW YOU OUT THERE

AND IT...

I DON'T KNOW, IT LOOKED LIKE YOU WERE HIDING.

I'M NOT HIDING.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

SHANE, WHO DID THIS?

WHO DID THIS TO YOU? IT DOESN'T MATTER.

NO, TELL ME.

I WILL FUCKING KILL THEM.

WHO DID THIS TO YOU?

YOU DID IT.

WHAT?

FUCK YOU.

WAIT.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

LOOK, I'M SORRY.

THAT WAS A FUCKED-UP THING TO SAY.

WELL, I MEAN, MAYBE YOU MEANT SOMETHING BY IT.

MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST TALK AND SEE...

NO, NO.

CAN WE JUST FORGET WHAT I SAID?

AND LET'S GO BACK TO BEING FRIENDS.

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

REALLY. A LOT.

I'M SO ANGRY

I CAN BARELY CONTROL MYSELF,

BUT THEN I KNOW THE MORE I ACT LIKE THAT,

THE MORE THIS PERSON CAN "F" ME UP,

BUT THERE I AM, SCREAMING

LIKE A CRAZY B-I-T-C-H.

THAT'S GOT TO BE HELL.

YEAH, SHE MADE MY LIFE A LIVING HELL.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING WITH HER, WINNIE?

IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND?

LOOK AT TINA.

YOU TWO WERE SEPARATED WHEN SHE MET?

YEAH.

YEAH, AND NOW SHE HAS HER COMPLETELY ENTHRALLED.

YEAH.

MY FIRST PLAY HAD JUST DEBUTED AT PS 122.

THE VOICE GAVE IT A RAVE,

AND THIS PERSON SHOWS UP

AND UNDERWRITES THE ENTIRE RUN OF THE SHOW.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT MY OWN THEATER COMPANY.

I'M LIVING

IN A FIVE-MILLION DOLLAR LOFT

IN TRIBECA, AND...

STARTING A FAMILY.

YEAH.

"H" HAD NEVER EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT KIDS,

BUT IT WAS A DREAM OF MINE,

AND SHE'S IN THE BUSINESS

OF MAKING PEOPLE'S DREAMS COME TRUE...

UNTIL SHE CO-OPTS THEM AND MAKES THEM HER OWN.

MOMMY?

I FINISHED MY CHICKEN NUGGETS.

CAN I HAVE SOME ICE CREAM?

UH...

I THINK I HAVE SOME, IF IT'S OKAY.

DID YOU AND YOUR SISTER FINISH YOUR SALAD?

YEAH. YES.

ALL RIGHTY.

THEN YOU GET THE BIG PRIZE.

CAN I GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE ABOUT HER?

I COULD SURE USE SOME.

IT DRIVES HER CRAZY WHEN YOU DON'T REACT,

SO SHE'LL BAIT AND BAIT AND BAIT,

AND IF YOU JUST DON'T TAKE IT...

WE'RE DONE FOR NOW.

WE'D BE CLEAR TO BARKER PASS BY NOW,

IF HADN'T BROUGHT

THAT UPPITY PREACHER'S DAUGHTER.

LADIES.

OH, HELLO, MARK.

EXCUSE ME.

IS THAT HOW YOU GREET YOUR ROOMMATE?

WE'RE WATCHING A BURR CONNOR FILM FESTIVAL.

YES, MISS JENNY OVER HERE

IS GOING TO GHOSTWRITE

HIS MEMOIRS.

I'M GOING TO BE HIS STENOGRAPHER.

NO WAY.

YEP.

DO YOU KNOW THAT I HAD

A BURR CONNOR ACTION FIGURE DOLL

AS A CHILD?

YOU DID? I DID,

AND I MADE HIM BEAT UP MY GI JOE

ON A DAILY BASIS.

ARE YOU SERIOUS? TOTALLY.

YOU ACTUALLY THOUGHT

THAT THIS GUY, BURR CONNOR, IS MORE...

IS TOUGHER THAN G.I. JOE?

OH, PFF, LOOK AT HIM. WAY TOUGHER.

THIS IS SENTIMENTAL CLAPTRAP.

HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY

CALL THESE MACHO MEN SENTIMENTAL?

BECAUSE IT'S A PRETEXT FOR TELLING STORIES

ABOUT, LIKE, THE PURITY OF MALE FRIENDSHIP AND DEVOTION.

I MEAN, MARK, OKAY.

THEY'RE ALL FUCKING THE SAME, RIGHT?

CHICK FLICKS ARE THE SAME.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU CANNOT TELL THAT THEORY TO BURR CONNOR.

NO. KISS NOW.

THELMA AND LOUISE.

NO MORE.

WHERE'S SHANE, BY THE WAY?

UM, I-I THINK SHE WENT OUT.

WHERE?

I DON'T KNOW.

TO A CLUB?

WE DON'T KNOW, MARK.

YEAH.

SIXTEEN CANDLES.

DUKES OF HAZZARD.

GONE WITH THE WIND.

FUNNY GIRL.

BLESS ME, FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED.

IT'S BEEN...

16 YEARS SINCE MY LAST CONFESSION.

AND WHAT BROUGHT YOU HERE TONIGHT?

EVERYONE WANTS SOMETHING FROM ME,

AND... I DON'T FEEL

LIKE I HAVE ANYTHING LEFT TO GIVE.

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN GIVING

UP UNTIL NOW?

SEX.

THAT'S MAINLY WHAT PEOPLE WANT.

ACTUALLY...

I DON'T EVEN KNOW AT THIS POINT.

I DON'T...

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW.

DO YOU FEEL YOU HAVE TO HAVE SEX

WITH EVERYONE WHO WANTS IT?

IN CHURCH, I DIDN'T.

I USED TO LIVE IN A CHURCH SHELTER, SO...

WHEN WAS THAT?

I GUESS I WAS 10,

AND I RAN AWAY FROM MY FOSTER FAMILY

BECAUSE SOMEONE TOLD ME

MY REAL MOM WAS BACK IN AUSTIN...

AND SHE USED TO GO TO THAT SHELTER

WHEN SHE WAS TRYING TO GET CLEAN.

YOUR MOTHER WAS A DRUG ADDICT?

YEAH.

HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED JOINING A CHURCH GROUP?

NO.

NO, NO, NO. I DON'T LIKE GROUPS.

THE THING I LIKE ABOUT CONFESSION

IS YOU DON'T HAVE TO SEE THE OTHER PERSON'S FACE,

AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO SEE HOW HURT THEY ARE

WHEN THEY REALIZE THAT YOU CAN'T BE THAT THING

THEY WANT YOU TO BE.

YOU MIGHT FIND THERE ARE PEOPLE

WHO DON'T WANT ANYTHING FROM YOU.

YEAH.

THEY JUST WANT TO KNOW YOU.

YEAH, I HAVEN'T MET ANYONE LIKE THAT.

ANYWAY, THERE'S NOTHING TO KNOW.

MY FRIEND, WOULD YOU JUST CONSIDER IT?

OH, THANK YOU.

SURE.

ALICE!

WHAT?

OH, YEAH.

YEAH, I THOUGHT THAT WOULD GO AWAY.

YOU KNEW YOU DID THIS TO ME?

WELL, I WASN'T DOING IT ON PURPOSE.

YOU BRUISE EASY.

I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE.

OH, MY GOD!

I LOOK LIKE I'VE BEEN BEATEN.

I HAVE MY INTERVIEW TODAY.

IT'S RADIO.

I HAVE TO MAKE AN IMPRESSION.

AND I DON'T?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I HAVE A PHOTO SHOOT WITH WOMEN'S FITNESS TODAY.

I'M THE FIRST OUT-LESBIAN

THEY'VE EVER PUT ON THE COVER, BUT...

WELL, YOU'LL JUST BE SAYING

YOU CAN BE GAY AND A SLUT.

IS THERE ANY MORE?

YEAH.

WHERE?

OH, REALLY? YEAH.

HI!

HEY, HEY.

HI.

HI.

HI! MY GOD, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU.

WE HAVEN'T SEEN YOU GUYS

IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?

WORKING. TRAINING.

THEY'VE BEEN HAVING SEX ALL WEEKEND.

HI.

HI, EVERYONE.

HI.

WHY DON'T YOU TWO COME JOIN US?

OKAY.

THANK YOU.

THAT'S NICE.

HI. HELLO.

SO, UM...

TINA WAS JUST SAYING

THAT DANA AND ALICE...

ARE HAVING SEX.

THAT'S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

THEY'D BE IN GOOD COMPANY.

YEAH, WE HAVEN'T, THOUGH.

I MEAN, I'VE BEEN BUSY,

AND SHE'S BEEN BUSY...

WORKING.

OH, YEAH, LET ME SEE.

BUSY!

OH!

OKAY, LET'S SEE.

NO.

WORKING?

OH, MY GOODNESS!

WORKING IT.

WORKING IT.

UH-HUH.

LET HER SEE IT. LET HER SEE.

OPEN IT UP.

ALL RIGHT, I HAVE...

OH!

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

I HAVE MY KCRW AUDITION,

AND I KIND OF DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO,

SO I WAS...

WELL, YOU KNOW,

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THIS?

BECAUSE PASSION

SHOULD NEVER COST YOU RESPECT.

NO, THAT...

HELENA, I COULDN'T ACCEPT THIS.

IT'S HERMES.

IT'S VINTAGE,

AND FOR HAVING SUCH A GOOD EYE,

YOU GET TO KEEP IT.

OH!

WOW.

YOU KNOW,

I THINK I'D BETTER BE GETTING TO WORK.

WELL, THAT'S A SHAME.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE MORNING OFF?

WELL, BECAUSE IT'S NOT REALLY AN OPTION FOR ME.

OF COURSE IT IS.

YOU'RE HAVING BREAKFAST

WITH ONE OF YOUR BOARD MEMBERS,

AND WE'LL DISCUSS WHAT WE'LL TALK ABOUT

WITH ALLYN BARNES TONIGHT.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING.

HELENA HAS JUST JOINED

THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS FOR THE CAC.

I'LL SEE YOU AT THE MEETING.

WELL, BETTE,

WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER LATER TONIGHT

AFTER THE MEETING?

TINA AND I HAVE FOUND A HOUSE.

OH, NO,

HELENA HAS FOUND A HOUSE.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHY DON'T YOU ALL COME OVER TONIGHT?

WE'LL HAVE A HOUSEWARMING PARTY.

YOU SHOULD SEE THIS HOUSE.

IT'S AMAZING.

IT'S THE ONE ON BROAD BEACH.

THE ONE IN ARCHITECTURAL DIGEST.

IT'S GORGEOUS.

OF COURSE IT IS.

YOU KNOW, THAT SOUNDS REALLY NICE, HELENA.

MAYBE, IF I'M NOT TOO TIRED.

GOOD.

BYE, BETTE.

BYE. SEE YOU LATER.

GOOD LUCK.

OKAY, THANKS.

HEY.

HEY.

DID I DO SOMETHING TO OFFEND YOU?

NO.

LOOK.

YOU SAVED MY ASS,

AND I'M SORRY

IF I DIDN'T THANK YOU ADEQUATELY.

SO THANK YOU.

DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE SAMURAI CODE?

RONIN?

IS THAT ONE OF THOSE HONG KONG ACTION FLICKS?

NO, IT'S A BOOK, ACTUALLY.

I WAS REALLY INTO THAT SHIT WHEN I WAS, LIKE, 13 AND 14.

GOT MY FIRST-DEGREE BLACK BELT IN SHOTOKAN.

LUCKY FOR ME, HUH?

YEAH.

WELL, ACCORDING TO THE SAMURAI CODE,

IF YOU SAVE SOMEONE'S ASS,

YOU'RE FOREVER INDEBTED TO THAT PERSON.

IT'S THE GREATEST HONOR AND PRIVILEGE

YOU CAN EVER ACHIEVE.

LOOK, I SAID THANK YOU.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE YOU WANT ME TO DO.

NOT YOU. ME.

I'M INDEBTED TO YOU FOR GIVING ME THAT OPPORTUNITY.

NO, SO, IT'S LIKE

BASICALLY, I'M YOUR SERVANT NOW.

NO, THANK YOU.

IT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GOT TO BE.

YOU'RE STUCK WITH ME.

RIGHT.

SIT, PLEASE.

OH, UH, UH.

ALLOW ME.

WILL YOU BE HAVING A BEVERAGE,

MY LORD?

NO.

HELLO?

HI. THIS IS JENNY SCHECTER FOR MR. BURR CONNOR, PLEASE.

YES, MISS SCHECTER, COME ON IN.

THANK YOU.

IT'S A HARD FEELING TO DESCRIBE,

BUT I THINK THAT I'VE KNOWN FOR A REALLY LONG TIME,

AND I FOUGHT AGAINST IT

BECAUSE I KNEW THAT MY FAMILY WOULDN'T APPROVE,

BUT I ACTUALLY THINK THAT I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN.

YEAH, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN.

YEAH?

MM-HMM.

FROM THE TIME I WAS A SMALL BOY,

I ALWAYS KNEW I WANTED TO BE AN ACTOR.

HOW COOL.

SO...

LIKE, WHAT KIND OF WRITERS

WOULD YOU SAY YOU MODEL YOURSELF AFTER?

JUDITH KRANTZ?

DANIELLE STEEL?

LIKE THAT?

EW.

YOU'RE KIDDING. NO, SERIOUSLY.

I'M SORRY. LET ME GUESS.

LET ME GUESS?

LOOKING AT YOU,

HAVING SPENT A FEW MINUTES WITH YOU...

UM...

I'M GOOD AT THIS.

MARY GAITSKILL.

WOW.

THANK YOU.

I MEAN, CHARLOTTE'S PUSHING ME REALLY HARD RIGHT NOW,

SO MY STYLE'S JUST EVOLVING PRETTY FAST.

WELL, I WON'T BE PUSHING YOU, OKAY?

I BASICALLY JUST NEED YOU TO CORRECT MY GRAMMAR...

MM-HMM.

AND ADD AN ADJECTIVE OR TWO HERE AND THERE.

OKAY, HAVE YOU...

HAVE YOU EVER WRITTEN ANYTHING BEFORE?

NO, NOT REALLY.

I'VE BEEN TAPE-RECORDING MYSELF.

OH, YEAH? YEAH.

OH, OKAY.

ACTUALLY, I HAVE THIS.

NO, UH... YOU CAN PUT THAT AWAY.

OKAY, I'LL PUT IT AWAY.

CAN I... CAN I JUST USE MY NOTEBOOK?

NO, GO AHEAD.

UM, OKAY, I HAVE A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS FOR YOU

TO BEGIN.

MM-HMM.

ROD SEBRING.

IT APPEARS AS THOUGH YOU HAVE

A VERY PROFOUND CONNECTION WITH HIM.

MM-HMM.

YEAH.

WELL, WE DID THREE PICTURES TOGETHER.

YEAH.

THE SCENE IN HARD MAN TO KNOW

WHERE YOU CARRY MR. SEBRING ACROSS TEXAS

AFTER HE'S BEEN SHOT.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL AND QUITE ROMANTIC.

MM-HMM.

YOU LIKE THAT MOVIE?

I LOVED IT.

I'VE REALLY...

I THOUGHT IT WAS LIKE...

I LOVED IT.

REALLY?

YEAH.

YOU DON'T SEEM LIKE THE TYPE.

OH, MY GOD, I'VE SEEN ALL OF YOUR FILMS.

I'M SURE YOU HAVE, YEAH.

YEAH.

IN THE LAST TWO DAYS, RIGHT?

YES, BUT...

OKAY, BUT MY GIRLFRIEND

ACTUALLY HAS SEEN ALL YOUR FILMS.

YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

YEAH, WHEN SHE WAS A LITTLE KID,

SHE AND HER STEPDAD

USED TO GO TO ALL YOUR FILMS,

AND NOW SHE CAN RECITE ALL OF YOUR DIALOGUE.

SO SHE'S A TOMBOY?

GOSH, I'VE NEVER THOUGHT OF HER

LIKE THAT.

I THINK SHE'S JUST BEAUTIFUL.

WELL, MISS SCHECTER,

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING ON OVER,

AND I'LL BE IN TOUCH WITH YOU

TO LET YOU KNOW IF I'LL BE NEEDING YOUR HELP.

OH, OKAY.

OKAY.

UM, ARE YOU FIRING ME, UM...

WELL, I WASN'T AWARE THAT I'D ACTUALLY HIRED YOU,

BUT I DO PREFER

NOT TO HAVE CERTAIN THINGS FLAUNTED IN MY FACE.

MY BIG CATCH PHRASE ENDING

COULD BE,

"SO GO ASK ALICE,

BECAUSE SHE KNOWS WHAT'S GOING ON."

LIKE...

NO, THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S GOOD.

LOOK, I'M GOING TO GO TALK TO MY NEW CHEF.

WHAT? YEAH.

YOU HIRED A NEW CHEF? THAT'S SO COOL.

GIRL, I STOLE HER FROM A.O.C.

SHE WAS TRAINING UNDER SUZANNE GOINS.

MAYBE I SHOULD WRITE ABOUT THAT.

I MEAN, IT'S GOT TO BE BETTER THAN WHAT I HAVE.

NO, NO, YOURS IS REALLY GOOD, ALICE.

I MEAN,

YOU'VE JUST GOT TO RELAX AND BREATHE.

BENJAMIN, RIGHT?

YOU BET.

OKAY?

YEAH.

THIS IS ALICE PIESZECKI

REMINDING YOU TO RELAX AND BREATHE.

RELAX AND...

REMINDING YOU TO RELAX AND BREATHE.

ALICE.

GABBY.

I THOUGHT YOU'D HAVE

A MORE INTERESTING DEMISE

THAN MUTTERING TO YOURSELF

AT THE PLANET.

YEAH, WOW.

GIVE ME A HUG.

OKAY.

HI.

YOU LOOK GOOD.

THANKS. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

NOTHING, EXCEPT THAT I'M IN LOVE.

YEAH.

GABBY DEVEAUX, IN LOVE.

WOW.

HOW ARE YOU? WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?

UM, I'M IN LOVE TOO.

AW.

YEAH.

YOU CAN'T TELL?

MAYBE I'M NOT SHOWING IT OR SOME...

I'M VERY PRIVATE, SO...

ALICE TELL-ME-ALL-YOUR-SECRETS-

AND-I'LL-SELL-THEM-TO-THE- DAILY-PLANET PIESZECKI?

SO WHO IS THE LUCKY LADY?

UM, SHE...

YOU DON'T KNOW HER.

I PRETTY MUCH KNOW EVERYBODY.

MM-HMM.

WELL, DO I KNOW YOUR NEW PARAMOUR?

SHE'S...

OH, THERE SHE IS.

RIGHT THERE.

LARA?

HEY, ALICE.

I GUESS YOU DO.

HEY, BABY.

HI.

DID SHE LIKE YOUR RECIPES?

DISHES, HONEY.

WE DON'T CALL THEM RECIPES.

SO, ALICE, HOW'S DANA?

SHE'S FINE.

YEAH, SHE'S GREAT, ACTUALLY.

GREAT.

YEAH, I'M SURE YOU'LL SEE HER AROUND AND STUFF.

SO...

GREAT TO SEE YOU GUYS, THE TWO OF YOU.

YEAH, OKAY.

BYE.

YEAH, BYE.

POWERED BY REAL NETWORKS.

KCRW, A COMMUNITY SERVICE OF SANTA MONICA COLLEGE.

ALL THIS AT KCRW.COM...

ALICE. HI, MIMI.

I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE

WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO ME.

WHAT?

ARE YOU READY?

YEAH, I AM READY.

OKAY. I AM READY.

CAN YOU SAY A FEW WORDS, PLEASE?

YES, I...

YES. YEAH. GO?

IS IT GOOD?

HELLO. HI.

HI, THIS IS ALICE PIESZECKI

THIS IS...

ONE, TWO, IS THAT GOOD? ONE.

THAT'S GOOD.

YEAH, SO OUT WALKS LARA,

WHO'S THE EX OF MY CURRENT GIRLFRIEND,

AND WHAT DOES SHE DO?

SHE MAKES OUT WITH MY EX.

I MEAN,

IF I WAS GOING TO DRAW YOU A PICTURE OF THIS,

ALICE TO DANA, DANA TO LARA,

LARA TO GABBY...

HI. GROSS.

GABBY TO ALICE.

I'M JUST...

TOTALLY FREAKED OUT ABOUT IT.

I'M SORRY.

IT'S LIKE, "AH!"

I DON'T KNOW, IT'S BECAUSE...

WELL, I HAVE THIS CHART,

AND IT, YOU KNOW,

IT STARTED ON THE BACK OF A NAPKIN,

BUT NOW IT TAKES UP

AN ENTIRE WALL IN MY LIVING ROOM,

BUT IT'S ABOUT THESE ENTANGLEMENTS, YOU KNOW?

IT'S, LIKE, GOT RELATIONSHIPS ON IT,

ONE-NIGHT STANDS.

IT PRETTY MUCH HAS ANYBODY WHO'S SLEPT WITH ANYBODY ELSE...

THAT, THEREFORE, CONNECTS ME TO TINA,

WHICH CONNECTS ME TO HELENA,

WHO TINA'S CURRENTLY SEEING...

ONCE YOU GET HER ON THE CHART, YOU KNOW,

YOU HAVE WARREN BEATTY.

ONCE YOU HAVE HIM ON THE CHART,

YOU HAVE PRETTY MUCH...

PRESIDENTS, PRESIDENTIAL INTERNS.

I MEAN, I AM CONNECTED TO MONICA LEWINSKY.

IT'S RANDOM.

IT'S... I DON'T KNOW.

I'M SORRY,

I'M TOTALLY RAMBLING, AND I'M...

BECAUSE I HAVE...

IT'S OKAY, ALICE.

I'M SORRY.

I THINK WE'VE GOT WHAT WE NEED.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THAT'S OKAY.

IT WAS GREAT. I PROMISE YOU.

BUT...

SINCE THIS ISN'T A REGULAR MEETING,

I WON'T REGALE YOU

WITH DETAILS OF BUDGET OR SCHEDULE.

I'LL JUST WELCOME HELENA PEABODY

AND TURN IT OVER TO LEO.

I THINK HELENA

DESERVES A LITTLE MORE FANFARE THAN THAT.

HELENA,

THE CALIFORNIA ART CENTER IS PRIVILEGED

AND HIGHLY HONORED

TO WELCOME YOU TO OUR BOARD OF DIRECTORS.

AND HELENA HAS A VERY SPECIAL GUEST

WITH HER TONIGHT.

HELENA,

PLEASE INTRODUCE ALLYN BARNES.

I REALLY DON'T THINK ALLYN NEEDS ANY INTRODUCTION.

SHE'S QUITE SIMPLY

ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT LIVING ARTISTS OF OUR TIME.

NONSENSE.

STOP IT.

NOBODY OUTSIDE OF THE ART WORLD

EVEN KNOWS MY WORK.

THAT'S AN UNDERSTATEMENT.

HARDLY ANYONE IN THE ART WORLD

KNOWS YOUR WORK.

OF COURSE WE DO.

EVERYBODY REMEMBERS

ALLYN BARNES'S TET OFFENSIVE.

WELL, THAT WAS 1972.

I MEAN, ALLYN, HOW DO YOU PROPOSE

TO SHOW THE WORK THAT YOU'VE DONE

SINCE YOU STOPPED SHOWING IN GALLERIES?

BECAUSE THAT'S 30 YEARS OF WORK

THAT'S NEVER BEEN EXHIBITED.

WELL, I'M NOT SURE I PROPOSE TO SHOW IT AT ALL.

ALLYN DOESN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.

WE'LL DEVOTE THE ENTIRE MUSEUM, ALL FIVE GALLERIES.

THE CAC WILL BE THE ALLYN BARNES MUSEUM.

OH, ALLYN.

PLEASE DON'T WORRY.

YOU'RE IN VERY GOOD HANDS WITH LEO.

WHAT ABOUT THE EARTH WORKS

IN HUMBOLDT COUNTY?

I MEAN, A SEASON IN HELL

IS ONE OF THE MOST MAGNIFICENT PIECES OF ART

MADE DURING THE LAST 20 YEARS,

AND IT WAS DESTROYED DUE TO CLEAR-CUTTING.

BETTE, I THINK YOU'RE A LITTLE OUT OF STEP HERE.

ALLYN AND I HAVE DISCUSSED THIS...

THAT WAS WHAT THE PIECE WAS ABOUT.

YES, BUT IN A RETROSPECTIVE,

IT WOULD BE A GLARING OMISSION.

THERE HAS TO BE SOME WAY

THAT WE REFERENCE THAT WORK.

I MEAN, I FEEL INCREDIBLY PRIVILEGED

TO HAVE SEEN IT.

YOU SAW A SEASON IN HELL?

I WROTE MY GRADUATE THESIS ON IT.

THAT WAS YOU?

THAT PIECE THAT WAS PUBLISHED

IN ART FORUM?

IT WAS CRUDE.

I THINK THAT I'M A BETTER CRITICAL WRITER NOW.

I WAS SO FURIOUS.

YOU WERE THE FIRST PERSON IN 18 YEARS

THAT HAD PENETRATED MY ANONYMITY.

WELL, I HAD TO SCALE THREE FENCES

JUST TO GET CLOSE TO IT.

I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO GET SHOT AT.

YOU ALMOST WERE SHOT AT,

BUT IT WAS THE BEST ARTICLE

THAT'S EVER BEEN WRITTEN ABOUT MY WORK.

I MEAN, YOU REALLY, REALLY UNDERSTOOD

WHAT I WAS GOING AFTER.

I ATTENDED YOUR LECTURE SERIES

THE SEMESTER YOU TAUGHT AT YALE.

SO YOU MUST HAVE STUDIED WITH SI STILLMAN.

OH, MY GOD, HE HATED ME.

DID SI GIVE YOU THAT EXERCISE

WHERE YOU HAD TO WRITE ABOUT A VASARELY

AFTER A STORY BY BORGES?

"TLON, UQBAR, ORBIS TERTIUS."

THAT WAS THE STORY I CHOSE.

REALITY AND PERCEPTION,

LABYRINTH OF TIME AND SPACE.

HEY.

HI.

OH, WAS IT THAT BAD?

I FUCKED IT UP MASSIVELY.

AND HOW DID YOU MANAGE THAT?

WELL, I THINK

THAT MR. CONNOR DOESN'T LIKE THE FACT

THAT I'M A LESBIAN.

YOU TOLD HIM THAT?

YEAH.

AND HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

BECAUSE IT JUST SORT OF CAME OUT,

AND I WAS...

I WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU.

OH.

YOU OUTED ME TO BURR CONNOR.

HE'S A BIG, CREEPY HOMOPHOBE.

OH. WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

MOST MEN FROM THAT GENERATION ARE.

HEY.

HEY.

UM...

LOOK, A FEW OF US ARE GOING TO GO HANG OUT.

YOU THINK YOU MIGHT WANT TO COME?

I DON'T KNOW. I...

OKAY.

HOW ABOUT THIS?

AS MY SERVANT,

I'M INSTRUCTING YOU TO COME AND HANG OUT

BECAUSE I NEED THE PROTECTION.

ALL RIGHT.

GOOD ANSWER.

SO IT'S ALL ABOUT THINGS THAT ARE CONNECTED.

IT CAN BE FUNNY,

IT CAN BE SERIOUS,

AS LONG AS IT FITS THE PREMISE.

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

THE CHART

WITH ALICE PIESZECKI,

FRIDAYS AT 3:00 ON KCRW.

OOH, GOOD VOICE.

YOU LIKE? YEAH.

ALICE, MAKE OUT WITH ME.

WHOA.

SO, WHAT MADE YOU PICK THE CHART?

YOU HAD SO MANY OTHER IDEAS.

UM, I DON'T KNOW.

ACTUALLY, I RAN INTO GABBY DEVEAUX.

EUGHH!

YOU DID?

YEAH, AND SHE WAS ALL, "LET'S BE FRIENDS."

YOU KNOW?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS NEED

TO HAVE A DEEP YET SEXLESS RELATIONSHIP

WITH AN EX THAT TREATED YOU SHITTY

AND CHEATED ON YOU, BUT... HEY.

YEAH, YOU KNOW,

I DON'T NECESSARILY THINK WE SHOULD BE FRIENDS

WITH OUR EXES.

REALLY?

MM-HMM.

YOU AGREE, HUH?

YEAH, I DO.

HUH.

WELL, WHAT IF ONE OF YOUR EXES

JUST KIND OF SHOWED UP LIKE THAT?

WELL I'M NOT READY TO BE FRIENDS WITH TONYA,

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN.

RIGHT.

WHAT ABOUT, I DON'T KNOW, LIKE, LARA?

ALICE, I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT LARA

IN A LONG TIME.

I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS WE COULD BE FRIENDS.

UNLESS YOU DON'T WANT ME TO.

I'LL GO GET THAT.

HELLO?

HI, JENNY.

IT'S DANA.

HOLD ON.

JENNY AND CARMEN AREN'T GOING TO HELENA'S.

REALLY? WHERE ARE THEY GOING?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

IS THIS AN L.A. THING?

YOU INVITE PEOPLE OVER.

AND THEN THEY JUST DON'T SHOW UP?

IT IS.

I REMEMBER BEING SHOCKED BY IT WHEN I FIRST MOVED HERE.

NOW I'M JUST USED TO IT.

YEAH, WELL, IT'S NOT GOING TO FLY WITH ME.

WELL, WE'LL JUST HAVE TO SEND FORMAL INVITATIONS NEXT TIME.

I'M NOT SO SURE THERE'S GOING TO BE A NEXT TIME.

I'M NOT VERY FORGIVING

WHEN IT COMES TO SOCIAL TRANSGRESSIONS.

COME ON.

THIS IS NICE.

WE GET TO BE ALONE TOGETHER

IN YOUR NEW HOUSE

AND INITIATE IT ALL BY OURSELVES.

OR AM I NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?

YOU'RE MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ME.

OH, MY GOD.

HI. HI.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WE THOUGHT WE'D INVITE OURSELVES OVER,

IF THAT'S OKAY.

WHAT ABOUT HELENA AND TINA'S?

OH, NO, IT'S TOO FAR.

MALIBU'S SUCH A DRIVE. HEY, YOU.

AH, THE CURSE OF THE WEST SIDE.

AND IT IS FAMILY NIGHT.

FAMILY NIGHT.

HOW ARE YOU? HI.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

HOUSE IS BEAUTIFUL.

THANKS.

I GUESS I'LL ORDER PIZZA.

OH, LET ME...

I FEEL SO PRIVILEGED

BEING INVITED TO YOUR FAMILY NIGHT.

UM... ANGELI?

SURE.

HEY, MARK.

CAN YOU GET ONE WITH, LIKE,

RICOTTA CHEESE OR SOMETHING.

I THINK THEY CALL IT, LIKE,

THE QUATTRO STAGIONE.

WHAT'S IT CALLED?

THE QUATTRO STAGIONE.

HERE, GRAB A GLASS.

HOW'D IT GO WITH BURR CONNOR?

THE BURR CONNOR?

YEAH, JENNY'S GHOSTWRITING HIS MEMOIRS.

NOT AFTER TODAY.

THAT ONE,

AND MY FRIEND ALICE

WANTED THE MEAT LOVER'S PIZZA.

BURR SUCKS.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

SO, EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY...

CONGRATULATE ALICE.

CONGRATULATIONS.

WILL YOU GUYS LISTEN?

TO WHAT?

TO HER SHOW!

CAN YOU DO THE RADIO VOICE?

NO.

COME ON. JUST DO IT. DO IT.

NO, I NEVER WANT TO HEAR

THE RADIO VOICE AGAIN, PLEASE!

DOESN'T EVERYONE HAVE ONE?

CHEERS.

DRINK, BETTE?