Original subtitles

[upbeat rock music]

? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ?

? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ?

? ?

? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ?

? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ?

? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ?

- ? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ? - ? Meow, meow, meow, meow ?

- ? Ruff, ruff ? - ? Meow, meow ?

- ? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ? - ? Meow, meow, meow, meow ?

- ? Ruff, ruff, ruff ? - ? Meow, meow, meow ?

- ? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ? - ? Meow, meow, meow, meow ?

[music crescendos]

? ?

[upbeat music]

Go on, talk to her.

- Why don't you talk to her? - You know I'm gay.

Oh, yeah, thanks for trusting me with that.

All right, I am gonna go talk to her,

and this is gonna be the best summer ever.

Whoo!

[ominous music]

[all screaming]

[slurping]

Oh, Honey, you need to get in on this.

- The water is extra screamy today. - Ooh.

Hey, will you guys water my plants while I'm gone?

And on garbage day, remember to knock over the cans.

- Where are you going?

Oh, a bunch of us raccoons are summering at the zoo.

There's an empty habitat since people found out

that Jambo the Gorilla was just a guy in a costume.

- The zoo industry is in real trouble. - I wish I lived in a zoo.

They barely have to do anything,

and they're treated like rock stars.

Rock stars. Rock stars.

And there's Chief, the most lovable dog in captivity.

Did you know Chiefs are the best boys?

[slurping]

Oh, my God, he's licking himself!

He's licking himself! [cameras clicking]

[screams]

Chief, where did you get that bra?

Oh, I didn't have time to change after my fantasy.

Stop glorifying the zoo.

Animals are not supposed to be entertainment.

[bell dings]

- Who are you winking at? - No one.

Hey, are you doing that thing later where the neighborhood

animals come over and complain? 'Cause I'd like to sit in.

- Yeah, stop by. - Oh, great.

I'll be like a guest star. [bell dings]

No, you don't get to do that.

[bell dings]

? ?

I'm just concerned that you think a lot more about Kevin

- than he does about you. - Really?

What do you guys think about that?

ALL: We don't have a problem with it.

- I love you guys so much. - Don't worry about it, Cheeks.

We've all got our issues. Nibbles can't stop killing.

Tabs has impossibly high relationship standards.

Elsa can't live without her precious vest.

- Well, you eat poop. - Ah, that's true, Elsa.

I had a problem, and you've weaponized it.

- Yeah, I did. - My addiction doesn't define me.

- The color of my fur does. - Good for you, Gray One.

Honey, question: is there a reason you're wearing a tiara,

- or are you just weird now? - Oh, yeah, it's my birthday.

[laughs] Thank you. Jill's really into it.

We have a party at the park.

Sniff some butts. Someone eats a bee.

Pretty standard birthday stuff.

- The tiara is a little distracting. - Yeah, maybe I should take this off.

- Excuse me, I just have one thing.

- Can I go ahead of everyone? - Did you fill out your intake forms?

I'm kidding. We're animals.

It's just a joke. [chuckles]

So I've got this friend who has a thing for a koala

at the zoo, and she has the hottest accent

and fingers in all the right places.

But every time my "friend" tries to talk to her, she's all attitude.

You know, Raccoon, maybe your friend needs to see things

from the koala's perspective.

Oh, but is there a technique

that would allow us to achieve that?

I'm glad you asked.

Yes, there is, and it's called role-play.

- Max, you be Raccoon's friend. - Oh, great. So I'm a raccoon.

[with cockney accent] 'Ello. 'Ello.

Please, sir, can I have some more raccoon stuff?

No, no role-playing.

This is therapy, not Groundlings level 1.

Yes, and... it isn't.

- So this friend, is it you? - [gasps] How'd you know?

Feline intuition, and you don't have any friends.

I've been pulling out all my best moves,

but I can't hook that K-Bear.

Hey, Bang-a-Bear, is there room in that pouch for moi?

[conga drums playing]

Oops.

I'm so clumsy. [giggles]

- And that didn't work? - Maybe she's out of my league.

- No way! You're a raccoon. - That's true. I am Raccoon.

- So I should just be myself? - Definitely not.

If living with a woman who only watches romantic comedies

has taught me anything,

it's that you should never be yourself.

Also, you can always run through an airport

without a boarding pass, and "no" means "don't give up."

? It's not the pickle's or the pear's ?

? Not the elephant's or the bear's ?

? It's your birthday today ?

- Sheila has the voice of an angel. - I think she'd sound better

if she were dressed as a bejeweled pineapple.

? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ?

? Who is that? ?

[chomps] Mmm, mmm!

- I think that's Debbie Gibson! - OK, here's the plan

for when you see my family at the party.

Ugh. We're seeing your family?

You always get so weird around them.

No, they're weird around me.

- Whose side are you on? - Kind of proving my point.

Look, my siblings already resent me for being adopted

while they're still in foster care with my mom,

so they cannot know how good we have it at Jill's.

And we have it so good, although my omelet

- was a little overcooked this morning. - Mine too.

But see, OK, that's exactly the kind of thing

we shouldn't be talking about.

And for the love of God, do not mention

our memory foam dog beds.

- Oh, now they were delicious.

[barking]

So, Cousin Tugboat, when are you due?

- I'm not pregnant. It's a fatty tumor. - Oh. Well, that's better than puppies.

Once you get rid of it, it won't move back home, am I right?

[laughs nervously]

What, you're not gonna say hello?

I knew I was the runt. I didn't know I was invisible.

Well, of course I'm going to say hello.

- Wait, was that your hello? - Yeah, that was his hello, OK?

OK. Happy birthday, Oliver Smalls. Happy birthday, DJ.

- It's my birthday too, you know. - Yeah, I saw the crown.

You think he didn't see the crown? He saw the crown.

[sighs]

- [chuckles] Pay them no mind. - Mama!

- Come. Come sit with me, sugar.

They're loud but harmless, like a summer storm.

- Thanks, Mama. - The one you gotta watch out for

is the sister who thinks she's better than everybody else,

just 'cause she can pass for a poodle,

got herself adopted,

probably has some coastal elite expressing her anal glands.

Are you talking about me, Mama?

Oh, I'm afraid my memory is gone, just like my figure.

Group photo!

Happy birthday!

[camera clicks]

- Does Mama seem worse to you? - Well, it's hard to tell

because we see her every single day,

as opposed to you, who sees her once a year.

You know I can't drive, right? And we all have our challenges.

My life's not so great either.

- Hey, we never said our lives aren't great. - Every day's a miracle.

I just meant you guys have each other.

- Honey. - Diablo, what are you doing here?

Oh, the usual... peeing on every fence post

so the world doesn't end.

- Hey, Elsa! Honey's here! - [gasps] Honey?

- You know Honey? - Only...

Oh, he pays me kibble for sex. That's where I am.

Oh, poor baby gets kibble and sex.

- It's Honey's family! - Yes! Do I get the gossip

from the mother, the sister, or the aunt?

It's an embarrassment of bitches.

What'd I tell you?

[munching]

- Smoke show, right?

Oh, her mouth is like a garbage can.

I just want to get in there. God, I bet it stinks!

Oh, I can smell it from here.

OK, you just stand where she can see you.

I'm gonna go hide behind the bush

and whisper what you should say.

I came here tonight because when you realize

you want to spend the rest of your life with someone,

you want the rest of your life to start right now.

I came to realize that when you want someone

for the rest of your life.

And "now" was in there somewhere.

Ugh. I can only hope she's dumb.

- Huh? - Yes!

OK, "You make me want to be a better raccoon."

You make me want to be a better raccoon.

That's cool. [belches]

Oh, if you're wondering why my eye's all crusty,

it's cause I have chlamydia.

[dramatic musical sting] It's no big deal.

- All the koalas have it. - You are perfect.

Ooh, I like that.

- You are perfect. - Mm-hmm. OK.

I'm in!

- So how is everyone? - [laughs]

You sounded just like your mom when you said that.

I met her mom and her siblings.

We met them at her party where they were

- serving cake and drama! - There was no drama.

If anything, we were getting along too well.

It's like, get a room, me and my siblings, am I right?

- If you're so close to your family,

why don't you ever talk about them?

Oh, yeah, that's what I'm gonna do...

flaunt my perfect loving family when you guys are processing

your neglect and abuse.

But now you know my dirty secret.

- My family is... - Here!

- What? No, I hate them! - ? Hello! ?

And yes, that was my hello.

- Uh... - Oh, my God, this is so uncomfortable.

? Happy birthday to me ?

So, Honey, we heard from this shrill stumpy dog...

That's me!

That you invite a group of strange animals

into your mansion to talk about their feelings.

So we thought we'd come by to check it out.

Oh, that's so great.

Oh, shoot! I just remembered we have a rule.

Actually, it's a solemn oath.

Family members can't join the group. Ah, damn.

Come on, that's just a made-up rule

- to keep Chief out. - Appreciated!

Besides, the more, the merrier, right?

Unless it's one of Mama's teats,

in which case the less, the merrier. Ain't that right, sis?

Teats? Now you've got my attention.

Yeah, when we was pups, we hardly got any milk

'cause Princess Honey would push everyone out of the way

to get at Mama's teats.

[intense music]

[gulps]

[belches]

[snoring]

Because of her nipple entitlement, I'm a runt.

For the millionth time, I didn't hog those teats!

I've always been very good with portion control.

Hmm. Seems like there's some disagreement

about what happened.

- Maybe we should... - We're not role-playing!

Well, if we are, I've got a medium sausage.

I think we've had enough drama for one day.

- Oh, have we, piggy puppy?

[oinks]

I don't like it when you call me that.

- You know that. - [laughs] That was her nickname growing up

because she was a selfish pig.

- Wow, are we still saying that in the 21st century?

And we also tried to call her Baby Boobie Burglar,

but that was a mouthful.

You know all about mouthfuls, don't you, Honey?

- OK. - Piggy Puppy!

You're just jealous because my dad's from France

and I have lots of tiaras and I get all the kibble I want

with no strings attached,

not that there's anything wrong with sex work

- if it's your choice. - ? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ?

Not now, Bejeweled Pineapple!

And you guys are just ganging up on me

because deep down, you know you're...

- Say it. - Unadoptable.

[all gasp] Oh!

- I know it's only been a few days,

but I feel like I've known you forever.

And I'm scared of walking out of this habitat and never...

I will make out with you if you shut up.

Yes, but will you excuse me for a minute?

I gotta take a leak that might turn into something else.

OK, I can take it from here.

- Oh, no, this could go haywire fast. - I couldn't have done this

without you, brother, but now I can't do it with you.

No, no, no, but I think I should stay, you know...

No, get lost.

Kay, babe, it's time to go down under.

If only I knew how to quit you.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I really went nuts on DJ and Oliver.

- And they are... - How can I face the group again?

- I'm a liar and a fraud. - How are you a frog?

- Fraud! - Oh, oh.

But isn't that the whole thing about group?

- What? - Getting in each other's business.

I mean, one of you has a problem

or does something stupid, and then you talk through it.

I mean, it's the whole reason I don't go.

But I'm not supposed to have problems.

- I'm supposed to help solve them. - Oh. Oh, OK.

Yeah, I didn't know that's what you were doing.

I guess that explains the frog. [chuckles]

[sighs]

[soft dramatic music]

- The Gray One? - What? No. Hi!

- What are you doing here? - Waiting for you.

I memorized a sweet Hugh Grant riff,

- bashful stutters and all. - No, I told you I'm good.

After you left, I got to second base.

Nip town! They're in the pouch.

Ooh, nice. [chuckles]

- Well, I'll just get out of your fur. - Wait, wait, wait.

What's going on with your eye?

[dramatic musical sting]

- Uh, nothing. - Something else is different.

- You look... happy. - Damn right I'm happy!

You and Koala are in love.

[chuckles] It's all I wanted.

- OK, see ya. - Ah!

Raccoon, I wasn't expecting you!

And who's this animal I've never seen before?

[dramatic music]

[dramatic musical sting]

[dramatic musical stings]

[gasps]

Wait, I think I almost got it.

[dramatic musical stings]

Oh, my God. You and her!

Are you billabonging my bear?

First of all, she's a marsupial. And second, no!

- What kind of bear do you think I am? - Marsupial.

You seem to know a lot about this bear

- you claim not to be didgeridoo-ing. - I, uh... I just...

OK, you're right.

I have been totally mating on her.

- I've never seen you before. - From behind?

How could you? I thought we were friends.

I let you put your words in my mouth.

It doesn't get more intimate than that.

[crying]

So what are you, like, a gopher?

- I'm sorry that you all had to witness

the raw dysfunction that defines my family.

While it was painful, it taught me a valuable lesson.

- That sometimes talking isn't enough

and that's why role-play should be part

- of every therapist's toolkit? - Hmm, did someone call

- about hair in their drain? - Ugh, we're not role-playing!

[sighs] These unresolved issues with my siblings

have shown me that I might be the most messed up one here.

Wait, are you canceling group?

Yes, and don't try to talk me out of it.

And seamless transition. Thank you for coming today.

I'm going in.

Small Fun Raccoon, I need you.

[grunting]

[sneaky music]

Doesn't anyone work here?

- Heh, it was either lay off the security guards

or feed the chimps to the lions. Budget be tight.

- Thanks for doing this, buddy.

I want to believe Koala when she says she's not

with the Gray One, but I think it'll be easier

- just to spy on her. - Well, if he's in the zoo,

we'll see him on these monitors.

I'm in here watching animals do it all the time.

And... [computer beeps]

[grunting]

It is hard to see what's going on in there,

but it sounds like someone is a pretty generous lover.

That's it! I gotta put a stop to this.

[munching]

- Aha! - [gasps]

I knew I'd find the two of you.

- It's not what you think it is! - Are you eating her poop?

Oh, then it's exactly what you think it is.

[gasps] Of course I'm eating her poop! I couldn't resist!

Do you know how hard it is to get primo, uncut koala scat?

We're talking pure Melbourne brown.

Wait, so you weren't fooling around with Koala?

- What? No way!

My heart belongs to another... darker mistress.

You are perfect.

[romantic music]

If only I knew how to quit you.

I love you, koala... poop.

I'm just a hideous, poop-eating monster!

Are you happy now?

- Yeah! - No.

[scoffs] No.

[somber music]

Who are you, stranger?

- What do you want? - Ew, Mama, it's me, Honey.

Are DJ and Oliver home? I need to talk to them.

I feel like if they just understood my side...

Well, they never want to talk to you again.

- Oh, well, OK. OK. - Lord, is it hot tonight.

Reminds me of the French Quarter in July.

You're from Anaheim!

So now you know. Don't tell my sponsor.

You're not alone, man. I once ate a used diaper

thinking it was chocolate cotton candy.

- You knew what you were doing. - I did. I did.

- Look, I'm sorry I made you question

your relationship with Koala and our friendship.

- You had me at "I'm not really sleeping with your girlfriend.

I'm just eating her poop." - Hey, get away from that poop!

I made that for my kids!

- Oh, ew. - What? It's nutritious.

- Oh, no. Ew, you have kids.

- Uh... - [whispering]

It was my grandmother's final wish

that I marry someone Jewish. Bye!

[upbeat music]

- What are you doing here?

- Guys, I told you I couldn't help you. - We're here to help you.

And sister, we are role-playing, whether you like it or not.

- Damn it. I was this close to wearing

my flight attendant outfit this morning.

- All right, well, I thought I was at my rock bottom,

but here we go.

- Let's role-play. - Yes!

But if we are going to do this,

I think I need to be Oliver Smalls and DJ.

- Elsa, be me. - The star? Me?

It's happening!

What are the rest of us supposed to do,

stand around holding our fuzzies?

Tabitha, you're Chico. Chico, you're Tabitha.

Shel, you're Diablo. Diablo, you're Tchotchke.

- Tchotchke, you're Shel. - And I'll do stage directions.

- Interior, colon, this living room. - And action.

DJ and Oliver Smalls? I'm in the middle of leading

a too-tame-to-be-effective therapy session.

- Can this wait? - No, it can't, you overstuffed,

high-and-mighty snooty poodle.

Oh, wow, I totally get why Oliver Smalls is a jerk.

- It's incredibly liberating. - Oh, let's not break character.

OK, you can't stay mad at me just because I have

an inflated sense of self because I'm adopted,

- and your life stinks. - We're not upset because

we didn't get adopted.

We're upset that you think you're better than us

'cause you did.

[gasps]

Wait, wait, stop the role-play.

That's what's been keeping us apart,

except they weren't excluding me from the team.

- I was excluding myself. - That's what I was trying to say.

Oh, I didn't hear you come in, real Oliver Smalls and real DJ.

Why do we never hear anyone come in?

We've got dogs here, don't we?

Mama told us you came by yesterday to tell us

you never wanted to talk to us again.

Why would I come by to tell you that

when we were already not talking?

Well, we came here to say that we are not talking to you.

- So suck on that! - Yes, yes, Oliver Smalls,

I will suck on that gladly.

And I can see how I come off a little superior.

But the truth is, you guys and Mama, you're all still a team.

So I guess I've been distancing myself from you

- because I feel left out. - Aww, she feels left out.

Well, she's got a funny way of showing it.

I'm sorry. It's just Mama always

told me how special I was,

and after a while, I started to believe it.

Mama always said that we were the special ones.

- Well, that's insane. - Easy.

And it was mama who told us you hogged her teat.

[both gasp] Oh! This is because of Mama,

that melodramatic, lying, faded beauty.

She's been pitting us against each other.

I hate her.

Yeah, me too. I hope she gets hit by a car.

And judging by your facial expressions,

I've clearly gone too far, but the point is,

it's the three of us against Mama.

- Yes! - Yeah! We're the team now.

- That'll show her! - Hey, do you guys

- want to stay for group? - We don't need therapy.

It was all our mom's fault. We're good.

Later, losers. See ya at weddings and funerals.

Hopefully Mom's. I'm kidding.

Still learning how to calibrate. Three Mutt-sketeers!

- Hey, babe. - Huh?

This is awkward. I left something in your pouch.

- Is it this iPod Nano? - No.

- Uh, these CBD edibles? - No.

This "you suck at parking" business card?

- No. - This Funko Pop?

- Nope. - This half-finished book of Mad Libs?

- No. My heart. - Aww.

What do you say?

You wanna take a shot at Judaism with me?

- [munching] - Hey!

She's on to us! Go, go, go!

[both breathing heavily]

Hyah!

[ostrich chirping]

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