Original subtitles

? ?

Bonjour and bienvenue

to Marissa and Lewbert's Parisian wedding.

So chic.

So elegant.

So... French.

Ooh, I feel like Emily!

Suddenly, I want to win over that mean head of marketing.

Just one question.

Why are you wearing cargo shorts on your body?

It's my maid of honor vest Marissa made especially for me,

because I am her very best friend.

Hey, something wrong?

It's-it's probably nothing.

I'm just a teensy bit worried

that your mom is going to absolutely hate this.

Marissa hate this?

Wow, you don't know her at all. How embarrassing.

(gasps)

Oh, my God.

I hate this!

How embarrassing.

? I know ?

? You see ?

? Somehow the world will change for me ?

? And be so wonderful ?

? So wake up the members of my nation ?

? It's your time to be ?

? There's no chance unless you take one ?

? And the time to see the brighter side ?

? Of every situation ?

? Some things are meant to be ?

? So give your best and leave the rest to me. ?

What do you mean you hate it?

You wanted "eating violets," I got violet candies.

For "sparkling surfaces," twinkle lights.

And for a "crimson glow," romantic red candles.

Listen, if it were my wedding, I'd be like,

(French accent): Oh-ho-ho. Bastille Day, oui, oui.

But for Mrs. Benson, "eating violets" are obviously

giant carnivorous plants to eat any bug that gets in here.

"Sparkling surfaces" means she wants the whole place wiped down

with industrial-grade cleaners.

And "crimson glow" means red indoor fireworks,

because...

Please don't make me say it.

Lewbert is my sexy little firecracker.

I snap, crackle and pop for Marissa.

Poppity-pop-pop-pop-pop. Pow!

What are we gonna do?

Go back to our original plan and elope to Vegas at high noon?

Mom! No! We talked about this.

A big wedding celebrates your love.

And also saves me from having to sit in the front row

of Magic Mike Live.

It's a splash zone.

Let's not forget about the officiant.

I took a 20-minute multiple choice online test

to make you right with God.

We can't get married somewhere this French.

They let babies drink wine.

- (overlapping arguing) - Hey!

Don't worry, I got this.

ALL: You do?

We didn't mean that how it sounded.

I'll just swing by the wholesale cleaning supply place,

make a quick stop at the illegal fireworks depot,

and then hit the killer plant store.

Then we'll load everything in tonight

and then redecorate tomorrow,

all in time for your perfect sunset wedding.

And what about my suit?

From the tailor shop? On it.

It'll arrive in the morning with honey lemon tea.

Don't tell her, but she's growing on me.

Time to give this vest

to someone who actually deserves it.

Carly, will you be my maid of honor?

Happy to...

but Danica can keep the vest.

No, she brought filthy shame to this vest.

Can I at least get my keys back?

I will make this work,

but I would like to go one week without having to help you.

Why you looking at me all weird, Benson?

I just...

I really appreciate you doing so much for my family.

Well, you're my family,

which I guess means they are, too.

(chuckles)

Isn't this so romantic?

I mean, this is where two people start their lives together.

And the bride stands here and says,

"I didn't expect to fall for you,

but you were right there all along."

And then the groom will be all...

"I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you."

Did I miss anything?

No.

That was perfect.

Wow, it's so crazy

how your whole future starts with just one question.

Yeah.

Anyway, I have to go buy four tanks of ammonia.

(laughs) Bye!

Score, free Buick!

Thank you for agreeing to hear my big speech.

I appreciate your notes, though I know there will be none

because I am perfect.

We promise to be brutally honest,

and queer girls don't lie.

Except about actually liking negronis.

Nobody wants that herbal essence-ass drink.

TINSLEY: Oh.

Friends, Romans, Beyhive,

lend me your ears.

In every relationship,

there's a flower who needs to be nurtured

and requires adoration,

and a gardener who tends to their flower with love.

And if you're not in a relationship,

you are untended.

And die.

Withered and alone.

And then I'll do, like, a joke or something.

My beautiful rose with her prickly little thorns.

My attentive gardener who knows how to handle her hoe.

(both laugh)

"Hoe" with a "E."

Wow, I really thought you'd be a flower.

You have big "me, me, me" energy.

Oh, honey, back when I was rich, I wasn't just any flower.

I was a damn orchid.

So, how'd you become a gardener?

There's only one way.

Total and utter humiliation.

Like going from being in the one percent

to serving one percent milk at Skybucks,

wearing a polyester apron.

My poor little Weedwacker.

Is anyone else hot in here?

I don't feel so well.

My darling, you're damp as a polo saddle.

- Are you getting sick? - Oh, no.

You're not getting me sick before my big day.

What? They're just the dog and pony.

I'm the show.

Is it something you ate?

It must have been that leftover sushi

from Carly's FaFuDa.

Oh, and I thought wasabi was supposed to kill the germs.

Right?

My orchid, come on.

Let me be your gardener.

I'll heat you up some tea.

I think I remember how my butler Gerard Butler does it.

No relation.

No, I'm the gardener!

And I will never go back.

Oh, hello, rug.

Okay, um, this is going to sound crazy,

but I think Carly wants me to propose.

Propose what?

A toast to the ladies who lunch.

- To the ladies who... - No!

Marriage!

Why? What did she say?

We were at the wedding venue, right?

At the altar, and she looked beautiful.

And then she goes...

"I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you."

And then she says...

"Our whole future starts with just one question."

What other question could that be?

I don't know. Carly says a lot of crazy stuff.

You do know she just graduated high school?

Tuscan strolls didn't transfer.

If this is what she wants,

it's just... it's so soon, and I had a whole plan.

Was your plan to get married and divorced

and then married and divorced again?

But then... after all the mistakes,

you finally wind up with the woman of your dreams.

And now you're mature enough not to rush into marriage.

But if Carly wants to rush into marriage,

I am locked and loaded.

Oh, Freddie, a thousand times yes!

I'll accept this impossible mission and do recon

and find out if Carly wants you to propose,

all while floating just above the laser grid

like a young Tom Cruise

or an old Tom Cruise.

He's still got it.

Okay, but don't just ask her.

You know, suss it out, get to the bottom of it,

as long as she doesn't know what "it" is.

Quick role-play: I'm Carly.

You're getting married!

Let's run it one more time.

(nervously): Good plant.

(snarls)

Good plant.

(snarls, burps)

This is the cleaner

that they use to clean cleaner.

Oh, Spencer, thank God you're here.

I am in the weeds.

How's that left hand feeling?

Naked?

Why? Does it look naked?

Should I put that glove back on?

No. No, not-not a glove.

Maybe a ring might help.

And if so, would you want it to be, uh, princess, emerald,

brilliant, old mine, pear?

Wait, why are you asking me about proposals

at this very inappropriate and inopportune time?

Because I'm quirky and unpredictable,

like my psych evaluation said.

Spencer!

Because Freddie wants to propose.

Isn't that exciting?

No!

Harper, you're not well.

Let me prune your roots,

or whatever it is garden people do.

No.

You think I'll be grateful and I'll love you more,

but that's not me.

Harper Ellis Ross Bettencourt, give me the armless shirt.

I guess I could be like a teeny tiny flower.

(chuckles): A bud.

Oh, can you grab that satin fabric

and rip it in half and make it like a tuxedo trim

for that hideous thing?

See? This isn't so bad.

(rings)

- Tinsley, dear. - What, my love?

Caviar and a little champs.

Oh, and can you grab me some grapes?

And will you feed them directly to my mouth

from yours, like a mama bird?

I could.

It's the only thing my nanny did that ever made me feel better.

(chirps weakly)

- (groans) - (bell ringing)

It's not working!

My nanny flapped her wings when she fed me.

Hey, buddy. You got a sec?

So, what happened? Did you talk to her?

- Yes. - And?

Yeah, no, it's a hard no.

Really?

Uh, what were her exact words?

She said, "No, no to all of this."

"This" meaning...?

This.

You gonna be okay?

I don't know.

I suddenly feel like

we have very different ideas of the future.

God, do Carly and I want different things?

Hey.

Customarily...

when someone does you a favor,

uh, you tip them.

Hey, guys, it's your girl Carly here

with some fun horticultural facts by candlelight.

Fact one, "horticulture" is a word.

Fact two, carnivorous plants do not like plant food.

They prefer raw hamburger meat.

Or, in a pinch, my fingers!

Just kidding.

Here is the last of it.

I got Seattle's finest off-brand degreaser,

expired illegal fireworks

from my buddy Socko's cousin Boomer,

and an update on your relationship status.

Later, guys.

There aren't really any illegal fireworks here. Bye!

Wait, an update on my relationship status?

- What are you talking about? - I talked to Freddie

about the whole proposal thing... You have nothing to worry about.

He's never, ever gonna propose to you.

Wait, Spencer.

So you're saying that when I gave you all my dumb answers

to all your dumb questions,

you repeated them to my boyfriend?

Yes!

My marriage-obsessed boyfriend?

Not anymore.

Oh, my God, I spent this whole weekend

making this wedding perfect.

I got into Mrs. B's good graces,

hell, even Millicent finally likes me,

and now Freddie thinks that I'd never marry him?

This could not get any worse! Oh!

Oh, my God!

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So...

customarily, when someone does you a favor, uh...

Freddie's not gonna leave you. He just doesn't know

if you two want the same thing,

but I know you guys are endgame. (chuckles)

Yeah, I'm on TikTok.

We are endgame.

I love Freddie, and I want to be with him forever,

but the idea of marriage just freaks me out.

I mean, the big white dress.

Everybody I care about in one room looking at me.

Everybody but Mom.

Are we doing this?

We having the talk?

'Cause you never wanted to talk about Mom before.

Like that one Christmas

I started telling a story about her,

and you knocked over the tree... Oh, there's a pattern.

This makes so much sense.

I-I wasn't stressed about Freddie.

I'm stressed about Mom.

Maybe the idea of marriage spun me out so bad

because what if I do the same thing to Freddie

that Mom did to us?

Hey, I get it.

Why do you think I've avoided marriage

for a revolving door

of emotionally unavailable, leggy women?

Your trauma's more fun than mine.

(chuckles): Look, Carly,

there's a lot I may not know,

- like the capital of London. - London's a city.

But I do know...

you are not Mom.

You would never do to anyone what Mom did to us.

I mean, look what a great plant mom you are.

Thanks.

We got off to a rocky start,

but we're good now, right, Allegra?

Allegra?

Carly, I'm so sorry.

I'll wheel her out back with the rest of the trash.

Six hours to make this wedding venue absolutely...

perfect.

Ta-da!

Spencer, how did you do this so quickly?

I am an artist.

Never question my process.

Also, I had a little help.

Danica?

I'm just looking for the bathroom.

That makes more sense.

It took every last one of Mom's vacuums to clean up the mess.

Did you guys stay up all night?

It's no big deal.

Can I get a little bit of that coffee?

Guess I'll go get my own coffee.

Are we okay?

Are you okay?

Because keeping track of how you're feeling

has given me some real whiplash.

Look, I'm sorry for all the mixed messages.

At the rehearsal, I just got caught up in wedding fever.

A disease I know well.

But then the reality of what that meant sunk in.

Yeah, okay. So what does that mean?

What do you want, Carly?

Freddie, I-I want you.

I never freaked out about marriage

because I never wanted to get married before.

But being with you makes me want to think about this stuff.

In a good way.

And also, as it turns out, in a not good way.

Okay. So you want to talk about it?

The not good stuff?

I want to tell you everything,

because you're my person,

and I hope you always will be.

I'm not going anywhere.

My plan is to be here any time you need me.

Why is that candelabra a tarantula?

Is it... (gasps)

BOTH: A tarantulabra.

Lewbert is gonna love it.

I cannot believe that guy is marrying my mom.

You want me to blow up the venue again?

Yes.

Are you sure you're over your sushi saga?

I don't need regurgitated salmon on my dress.

I haven't felt this good in years.

All eyes on me at this wedding.

- I think all eyes will be on me. - (scoffs)

That's what Kate Middleton thought

until Pippa stole the show.

We flowers, we always find the light.

Go put your bridesmaid's dress on, Pippa.

I'm wearing this now.

No. Enough things have gone wrong.

You have to put on your bridesmaid's dress.

Good thing I brought a backup.

Is that... p-p-p-polyester?

P-P-P-Put it on.

I'm wilting. Oh, I'm wilting!

Darling Carly,

please accept my apologies for the state of your vest.

I did my best as Harper sang

the devil's lullaby in the bathroom.

And are you wearing polyester?

Mm-hmm.

- Does that mean...? - Mm-hmm.

Um, I'm gonna go get you guys a couple of those negronis

you like so much.

Tinsley, I'm so sorry I went full Black White Lotus on you.

Being nursed back to health brought me back

to my rich, flowering ways.

But it was only because I felt so safe in your care.

Never ring a bell in my face again.

Don't test a ho, no "E."

(both laugh)

Ooh, I wonder if there's gonna be sushi at the reception.

What is wrong with me?

Hey, guys, I found Danica's formal beret.

I think the plant ate her.

Allegra's alive?!

I mean... oh, no, Danica.

Should we postpone the wedding?

For Danica?

Cue the music. It's showtime.

(Pachelbel's "Canon in D" playing)

? ?

(Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D minor" playing)

(music stops)

(crying)

Hey! Danica's alive!

Barely.

Someone left a killer plant by the bathroom.

Wait, you thought I was dead and just went on with the wedding?

Uh...

So, do you have, like, some news, or...?

I got a text from Marissa.

They ran off to Vegas

for the high noon elopement of their dreams.

The wedding is off.

(chuckles) Die!

Die, you bastard!

Die!

Hey... are my keys in there?

Take an Uber, Danica, damn!

Guys, come on.

I've been looking forward to this all year.

We have this place until 4:00,

and I did not memorize all of Corinthians for nothing.

So, does anyone here want to get married?

(chuckles)

? ?

I didn't expect to fall for you,

but you were right there all along.

I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Mom?

You got a mom?!

Ooh!

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