All language subtitles for What.We.Do.in.the.Shadows.S05E04.WEB

Here we are, the nerve center.

Colin Robinson for

Staten Island Comptroller
headquarters.

Sean had to bow out of the race.

Apparently, in Staten Island,

there's a rule that a candidate
can't have more than

nine DUIs.

Most Staten Island
office holders

only have two or three.

Oh, hi, Barbara.

He needed someone

to take his place, and my record

is absolutely, completely clean.

Yo. Robby Robinson,
get over here.

You're on the tube. Quick.

With all due respect,
my new opponent

seems like a nice man,
but he has

no government experience.
He was working as a server...

I can't wait to flex
my blue collar bona fides

on the debate stage.

Up top.

There it is.

♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪

♪ They have no use
for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪

I have been spending more time

at this new gym lately.

I have asked Guillermo
to join me,

but he always seems
to have something else

going on these days.

Guillermo! Guillermo,

-where are you?
-Shit!

- I've been avoiding Nandor.
-Oh.

It's been hard,

physically and emotionally.

- Guillermo?
- I just don't

want him
to get suspicious that

I'm a vampire now. Or half

a vampire. Or whatever I am.

Guillermo?

And so I have decided

to hunt for a new companion.

Need a spot?

Uh, sure, why not?

Great.

Looks like it's just me and you
in here tonight, huh, buddy?

Um, yeah.

Uh, it's usually pretty empty
on Easter Sunday.

I guess all the gentiles
are out hunting for eggs.

You are Jewish?

Yep.

Very cool.

Mm-hmm.

Alexander.

Nandor.

Thanks for the spot, pal.

It was my pleasure.

So, what meshuggaas--

that means stuff--

is everyone doing tonight?

If you're only asking us
what we're doing

so you can tell us what
you're doing, we don't care.

Relax, I'm just kibitzing.
Besides,

I have acquired a new friend.

- Oh.
- -And now we are going to the movies

together.

We are mishpocha.

Oh, yes.

My new friend--
he's the total package.

Has a great sense of humor,
loves to work out

and he's Jewish.

What difference
does it make if he's Jewish?

It doesn't,
but back in Al Qolnidar,

I always heard stories
about the Jews.

Exceptionally proud people,
fierce warriors,

but I never actually
got to meet one.

I had no idea there were Jews
in New York City.

And now I am proud
to call one my friend.

Oh. That's great.
What-What's his name?

Well, look who
suddenly reappeared

now that I'm kvelling
about my new friend.

- I've been here the whole time.
- -Well, if you must know,

his name is Alexander.

Alexander the Jew.

Nope. I don't think
that's his name.

Quit your kvetching.

I really

couldn't care less
about being comptroller.

Hello! I am Colin Robinson.

I am running for comptroller.

-Can she vote?
-Uh, no.

-Okay, then don't.
-Ooh.

I'd rather it lay on the ground

than go into her hands.

I'm only doing it

because the debate stage

is a great place
for a mega drain.

You know, it's really
no surprise the amount

-Uh, we're good.
-of energy vampires in politics.

- Colin, stop it.
- What are you running for?

- Touch this.
- What are you doing?

- Touch it.
- Stop doing that.

But the perfect campaign

needs the perfect wife.

I have an old flame
that comes here.

Once we accept that
they are never coming back

to sweep us off our feet
with an unexpected...

E-Evie Russell?

Colin Robinson.

W-What are you doing here?

Evie, please. I-I need you.

I didn't think
I'd ever see you again

after you fled the scene
of the accident

that left me partially blind.

- And completely unable
to move my legs.

Oh, Evie.

Evie Russell

is an emotional vampire.

The doctor said,
"She'd be better off dead."

She drains people
by feeding on their emotions.

And then he hung himself
while he was masturbating.

- Oh.
- When we dated,

she destroyed me
and fed off of the remnants

of what used to be my heart.

She's the best.

Oh, I've never stopped
thinking about you.

I mean, even after
all these years.

To me, you are perfect.

Love Actually, 2003.

I wish I knew how to quit you.

Brokeback Mountain, 2005.

I got you this necklace.

Titanic, 1997.

- It looks beautiful on you.
- Thank you.

Ever since I stumbled on

the neighborhood
of Little Antipaxos,

I have been spending my nights
with a delightful family.

No, I-I have eaten...

Being with them makes me feel

almost human.

I've been helping my new family
by actually working.

And maybe these simple acts

of kindness, compassion,
and friendship

might help lift this

pissing Antipaxon curse
that I have all over me.

But...
they keep asking

to meet Laszlo.

Laszlo is not from Antipaxos,

and Antipaxons
are very, very suspicious

of outsiders.

He's coming tonight.

Now you see,
what you must understand is

courting a partner's

family is just as important
as courting the lover.

So, I have done
deep research into

these simple island folk.

I learned their customs,
their dress.

What the fuck are you wearing?

I'm dressed as an islander.

These people are peasants.

It's important I fit in,
my darling.

Their way of speaking.

Me, Laszlo.

Do you people have names

or do you communicate
with sticks?

I had become one of them.

I think this is going well.

This is the matriarch of this

very important family to me,

-okay? Yes?
-Yeah, yeah.

-Yia-Yia.
-Yia-Yia.

Lovely to meet you, I'm sure.

He was dropped on his head
as a baby.

Any big plans
for the summertime?

Not really.

So, I met Nandor at the gym.
I was doing

my reps, and he, uh,
I don't know,

he-he seemed harmless and

kind of lonely, and, uh...

then he asked me here, and...

I don't know, I'm here.
Uh, I don't know.

It just happened.

- You are enjoying the movie?
- Shh!

I remember the first time
I went to one.

There was a locomotion film
playing.

And we all thought,

"This train's gonna kill us!"
And, of course--

- Shut up!
- Shh.

Yes. Yes, you're right.

Zero is the amount
of paperwork you'd have to file

-after I replace
-Excuse me.

our entire outdated system...

Mr. Robinson, are you all right?

Yeah. No, no.
It's not my turn. You go.

With a seamless, user-friendly,

digital platform.

Eliminate bureaucracy.

Say goodbye to paperwork.

And hello to anarchy.

You're-you're clapping
for an anarchist.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

- Four weeks
ago, when I started this...

Check, check.
Microphone, microphone.

With the debate stage,

what you have
is a captive audience.

Do you know how this...

It's like a smorgasbord.

Four weeks ago,

I was sitting down

for breakfast with my

beautiful wife, Evie.

Evie and I were sitting down
with our two

beautiful little boys,

Connor and
C-C-- Cah-- ristopher,

and Christopher

looks up to me-- he's

six years old
and full of the dickens--

And I said, "Well,
it's because of the taxes,

Conno-- Christopher."

And I'll be damned if there's
anyone in this hall right now...

...smells often of beef stew,

as all young children do.

Your allowance is being cut

because mommy lost her job.

Mommy lost her job to

an M'er-F'ing machine.

A machine that

ran over my foot

on a factory floor.

- Unbelievable.
- And is a-a

machine gonna tuck my two sons--

who are full of the dickens--
into bed?

You think that machine
can give my boys

their goodnight kissies?

How's that gonna work?
Bleep, bloop, bloop, mwah.

I sure would like
to meet that machine

and tell it to pay
for my medical bills.

That machine
ruined our gosh darn

C-Chrosstopher's life.

No, really, you were so good.

I-I doubt I'll get
a single vote.

Oh. Very nice.

So, what do you want to do now?

Oh, I don't know.
We could catch up.

I really have thought about you

quite a bit
these last few years.

-I guess our Uber is here.
-Yeah.

- Oh.
- Not our Uber.

Oh! Ow.

What the hell?!

European Middle Ages, in which

monks wore hoods or cowls...

This is triggering because
I was blind as a child,

and I'm having flashbacks.

Enough! Be quiet!

You guys can join us,

but if you're hoping to get
any interesting footage,

you came to exactly
the wrong place.

Ow.

Where-where are we?

Wait, a-are you...

Okay. Uh, so,

calling to order
this emergency meeting

of the Supreme Council
of Energy Vampires.

It's real?

I'd always heard rumors, but...

A-Are we in trouble?

Well, uh, what we have here

is a situation in...

Sorry, let me turn that off.

So annoying, right?
Like, "Okay, Boomer."

As I-I was saying, uh,
what we do have here

is a situation in which we...

- Hey.
- -Uh, what you're gonna want to do

is go to your home screen

and look for "Settings."

- I'm not... I'm not seeing that.
- And you open that up,

and you're looking for "Alerts."

- It should be
listed alphabetical,
- I...

- so "Alerts" would be at the top of that.
- -I am not seeing that.

It could also be under
"Sounds and Haptics."

I don't know what
operating system you're running.

Sorry I'm late.
What'd I miss?

You're not late.
You were actually sitting there

the whole time.

Yeah, but I-I wasn't listening,

so could somebody bring me
up to speed, please?

They were asking if

they're in trouble,
and I was saying that

what we have here
is a situation in which...

- Shucks.
- Home screen.

- Okay. Mm.
- "Settings."

Alert settings,

and then what
you're gonna need to do

-is find the, uh...
-My God, they are fantastic.

Oh, yeah. This is awful.

Maybe we should move on

to the business at hand?

- We can't hear you.
- Just speak up.

Oh, sorry. One moment.

Just speak up.

Shake it.

Okay. How about now?

-No, no. Shake it.
-Mm-mmm.

Y-You're gonna need to speak up.

Maybe it's the Wi-Fi connection.

I'm literally shouting.

That would literally
have nothing to do with it.

Uh, why don't you check

the XLR cable connection.

Colin Robinson, Evie Russell,

you have been summoned here...

Does somebody want to
interrupt her and let her know

that, at this point,
she is completely inaudible?

Yeah, no problem.
You're not-you're not audible

due to the low volume

- of your microphone.
- I'm shouting.

I am blowing up today.

Listen, uh, if we don't
survive this,

I-I just want you to know that

- I've always loved...
- Colin Robinson,

no side conversations, please.

I am at a loss.

Do we have an agenda?

System settings.

I have something
called Settings?

My good friend Alexander

has yet to call me back
on the telephone.

Who is that? Is that Alexander?

No. Why would I be talking
to Alexander?

I gave Alexander your number
because I do not have a phone.

Does this fill me with
a crippling sense of self-doubt?

Sometimes.

It's not fair!

Perhaps we are just
too different to be friends.

But I can fix.

Master, you know I would
do anything for you, but

I'm not gonna circumcise you.

Here's me in the corner.

Here's me in the spotlight
at my circumcision.

Master, you just can't
get circumcised

for a friend you met at the gym.

Guillermo, there's no other way.

How can two men be friends

when they are so different?

You and I are different.

You are. I am not.

It's time for you

to snip my tip.

Enjoy.

Hello, my sexy, Greek,

extended family.

Ah, Laszlo.

Gather round.
I have something I want to say.

Oh, Laszlo, Yia-Yia.

The memory of a song,

when executed properly,

can be a powerful gift.

Had my sweet love, Laszlo,

consulted me before just

putting on a big concert
in front of my new family,

I would have probably said
maybe don't sing the battle hymn

of our neighboring island,
Nisida Mongonisi,

because that place is the home
of our mortal enemies,

the Nisida Mongonisans.

-Hold on a second, my--
-Shut up!

Who told you
that was a good idea?!

- All right, my darling.
- You were singing,

"Kill them, kill them,
kill them."

How many times have I said that
to you in Greek?

We can't hear you.

You're just gonna
need to speak up.

Feels like we should
turn this over

to the chairman at this point.

Yes. Uh, so, uh, do we...

-Um...
-Hello. Yes.

I can take it from here.

Thank you for softening them up.

Okay.
Now, who is this?

- The Chairman.
- -Uh, you've worked with her

- for 15 years now.
- Is that right?

Did she get
a haircut or something?

Colin Robinson.

Your opponent
Barbara Lazarro's platform

is a direct threat
to the lifeblood

of energy vampires,

which is--

what's the word--

bureaucracy.

- Bureaucracy.
- And bureaucracy is...

How do I put this?
I feel like there's

-a slogan...
-Oh.

Bureaucracy is the gum

that clogs the gears
of every human endeavor.

The petty BS, in triplicate,

that reminds

the common man that
he is a useless speck

and has kept energy vampires

everywhere well-fed,
fat, and happy.

All hail bureaucracy.

Enough.
I can't take it anymore.

Why are we here?
W-What do you want us to do?

You must beat Barbara Lazarro,

or else.

How do you expect me
to beat Barbara Lazarro?

I-I can't win.

Even if I could,

I don't even want
to be comptroller.

This is how we feed, dummy.

You need to protect
our way of life.

What if I don't?

We have certain methods

for persuading the reluctant.

Turn it around. It's backwards.

- I can't see it.
- It's backwards.

Turn it so it faces them,

but also is facing me.

Turn it so the screen
is facing us.

- No, they can't see it.
- To the left more.

- Left, left.
- -Please be more expedient.

Thank you.

Slide one of 543:

"Hurry Up and Wait:
An Argument for

- "and Statistical Review
- Make it stop.

-"of Energy Vampire Preservation
-It's too much.

"Via Bureaucracy,

- Secured Only Through..."
- Fine. Fine.

We-We'll do it, just...

please let us out of here.

Thanks, but we-we're
still gonna read it.

Just to reiterate. Still gonna

- watch it and read it.
- -"Part One, Section One..."

And I'm here to fight
for the change you deserve,

Staten Island. And with
all of you, my Colin-izers,

by my side, I can't lose.

I'm so full of passion,

I just want to scream!

And now we're off
to Mariners Harbor,

Midland Beach,

Randall Manor. Yee-haw!

Okay. I'm just gonna take

a quick break now
to settle down.

I can't keep doing this.

Uh, I can't keep
pretending to be

Mr. Charisma
to all these nimrods.

It's awful.

But the Energy Vampire
Council said

we have to win, or else.

No. No. No.

Enough. It ends now.

What?

Okay, where was I?

Let's see here. Meiers Corners.

Graniteville.
How about Fort Wadsworth?

Do I hear anyone from

Randall Manor?!

All right!

What?

Oh, i-it-it's not
what it looks like.

I was just beating off

to all your beautiful faces

during the break, and I-I guess

I forgot to pull up my-my pants.

So, I waited, like,

five hours at the gym

to bump into
my friend Alexander.

Then, when he finally
did show up...

Alexander! Come on.
Oh, Alexander!

I don't know.

Maybe I rushed things a little
with my big reveal.

Alexander! Ta-da!

Twins.

Alexander, wait.

I got to get out
of this fucking city.

Alexander!

The excitement of our friendship

made me overlook
my vampire powers.

Hi.

My foreskin grew back very fast.

Now he thinks I'm meshuggener,

which means he thinks
I'm a little bit of a putz.

Shh.

Shh. Pss, pss, pss, pss.

No, don't stop,
not on my account.

Keep going.

Now, I know I'm different
from you people,

but I am who I am.

"And who are you?"
I hear you ask.

- Fuck's sake.
- -Well, that's a good question.

I...

am an esteemed
British gentleman,

well-bred to the manor born.

I can speak 14 languages,

as long as they are English.

I can play any instrument,

apart from bagpipes.

They sound fucking terrible
to everyone.

I can fashion any tree,

any hedge, into a vulva.

In the days before medicine,
I survived

gonorrhea, chlamydia,

the plague, clubfoot, leprosy,

black fever, yellow fever,

night fever.

But most important,
and I must emphasize

that this is the most important
thing about me:

I am a certified

master cocksman.

To cut this short

and to get straight
to the point,

you can all go
f-f-fuck yourselves.

Oh, for fuck's sake, Laszlo.

Very hard.

What's she doing, my love?

What's happening?

By some stroke of dumb luck,

my new family absolutely
bloody love Laszlo.

You see, there is a tale
in my country

that has been passed down
through generations

of a wet-headed,

wide-bodied, ignorant oaf,

with the brains
of a chewing gums.

This spirit is said to
continually reincarnate itself,

but always as a pompous,
perverted oaf.

And my family think
it is, well,

Laszlo.

And when you are in the presence
of this spirit,

it brings good luck
and good fortune to everyone.

Hello there. How are you?

Vasiliás Pyuroni.

The king of pigs.

My king of pigs.

He's very, very, very stupid.

I want to say to my young boys,

uh, Connor and Cra--

Christoph... pher,

to them, I say I'm sorry,
Daddy's coming home.

I-I'd like to say
a few words myself.

Thank you in advance

for respecting
my family's privacy--

don't touch me--

while we deal
with this isolated incident

in which my husband

flashed and mooned

the beautiful voters

of Staten Island

after a poorly-timed

masturbation sesh.

As well as
the isolated incident in which

we woke up to

what sounded like a burglar
in our house,

and my husband
immediately yelled,

"Take her and my kids,
don't take me"

before realizing

it was just a racoon
outside our house.

This man has let us all down.

But I will make it up to you

by becoming your next
borough comptroller.

All right!

I was surprised that

Evie ran in my place.
Only

18 people voted.

So, with the write-in votes

that Evie got from her

breakup group--

well, it was enough
to carry the day.

I think she'll do

the council proud.
I-I'm

-happy for her.
-Colin Robinson.

Evie Russell.
What are you doing here?

I wanted to let you know...

I'm sad.

Why? I thought you'd enjoy
being comptroller.

I'm sad because

we can't see each other anymore.

But maybe you and I

could meet up
every once in a while

-and later...
-I don't want to do that.

-But maybe w-we can--
-I-I'm sorry.

-I should give this back to you.
-Yeah, I want this back.

I hope you didn't
pay too much for it.

It gave me a rash,
so I think it's made of

some kind of really cheap metal.

It's not metal.

Oh. Well...

I wish it didn't
have to be this way.

Evie, wh-why?

It's...

complicated.

Nancy Meyers,

2009.

♪ Don't say goodbye,
don't make me cry ♪

♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

♪ It would only break my heart ♪

♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop... ♪

Nothing like spending some
quality time with old frien--

Shh! Shut the fuck up.

I'm trying to watch
a movie here.

♪ Don't say goodbye,
don't make me cry ♪

♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

♪ It would only break my heart ♪

♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

♪ If you ever, ever leave ♪

♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

♪ Then you know ♪

♪ Don't say goodbye,
don't make me cry ♪

♪ Don't ever take your love
from me ♪

♪ Our love
could last eternally ♪

♪ Eternally. ♪