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Colin Robinson for
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Staten Island Comptroller
headquarters.
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Sean had to bow out of the race.
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00:00:07,830 --> 00:00:10,200
Apparently, in Staten Island,
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00:00:10,260 --> 00:00:12,900
there's a rule that a candidate
can't have more than
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nine DUIs.
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Most Staten Island
office holders
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only have two or three.
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Oh, hi, Barbara.
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He needed someone
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00:00:20,890 --> 00:00:22,790
to take his place, and my record
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is absolutely, completely clean.
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Yo. Robby Robinson,
get over here.
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You're on the tube. Quick.
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With all due respect,
my new opponent
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seems like a nice man,
but he has
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no government experience.
He was working as a server...
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I can't wait to flex
my blue collar bona fides
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on the debate stage.
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Up top.
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There it is.
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?? Don't sing if you want
to live long ??
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?? They have no use
for your song ??
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?? You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ??
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?? You're dead
and out of this world ??
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?? Now your hope and compassion
is gone ??
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00:01:03,910 --> 00:01:06,650
?? You sold out your dream
to the world ??
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00:01:06,710 --> 00:01:08,920
?? Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ??
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00:01:08,980 --> 00:01:11,420
?? You're dead
and out of this world. ??
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?? ??
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I have been spending more time
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at this new gym lately.
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I have asked Guillermo
to join me,
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but he always seems
to have something else
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going on these days.
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Guillermo! Guillermo,
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-where are you?
-Shit!
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I've been
avoiding Nandor.
-Oh.
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It's been hard,
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physically and emotionally.
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-Guillermo?
I just don't
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want him
to get suspicious that
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-I'm a vampire now. Or half
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a vampire. Or whatever I am.
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Guillermo?
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And so I have decided
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to hunt for a new companion.
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Need a spot?
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Uh, sure, why not?
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Great.
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Looks like it's just me and you
in here tonight, huh, buddy?
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Um, yeah.
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Uh, it's usually pretty empty
on Easter Sunday.
55
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I guess all the gentiles
are out hunting for eggs.
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You are Jewish?
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Yep.
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Very cool.
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Mm-hmm.
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Alexander.
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Nandor.
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Thanks for the spot, pal.
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It was my pleasure.
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So, what meshuggaas--
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that means stuff--
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is everyone doing tonight?
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If you're only asking us
what we're doing
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so you can tell us what
you're doing, we don't care.
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Relax, I'm just kibitzing.
Besides,
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I have acquired a new friend.
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Oh.
-And now we are
going to the movies
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together.
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We are mishpocha.
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Oh, yes.
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My new friend--
he's the total package.
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Has a great sense of humor,
loves to work out
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and he's Jewish.
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What difference
does it make if he's Jewish?
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00:03:02,270 --> 00:03:04,210
It doesn't,
but back in Al Qolnidar,
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00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:06,690
I always heard stories
about the Jews.
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00:03:06,750 --> 00:03:09,690
Exceptionally proud people,
fierce warriors,
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00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:11,600
but I never actually
got to meet one.
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00:03:11,660 --> 00:03:14,470
I had no idea there were Jews
in New York City.
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And now I am proud
to call one my friend.
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Oh. That's great.
What-What's his name?
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Well, look who
suddenly reappeared
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now that I'm kvelling
about my new friend.
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-I've been here the whole time.
Well, if you must
know,
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his name is Alexander.
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Alexander the Jew.
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00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:31,360
Nope. I don't think
that's his name.
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Quit your kvetching.
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I really
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couldn't care less
about being comptroller.
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Hello! I am Colin Robinson.
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I am running for comptroller.
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-Can she vote?
-Uh, no.
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-Okay, then don't.
-Ooh.
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I'd rather it lay on the ground
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than go into her hands.
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I'm only doing it
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because the debate stage
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is a great place
for a mega drain.
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You know, it's really
no surprise the amount
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-Uh, we're good.
-of energy vampires in politics.
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Colin, stop it.
-What are you running for?
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-Touch this.
What are you doing?
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00:04:01,590 --> 00:04:02,760
-Touch it.
Stop doing that.
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00:04:02,830 --> 00:04:04,830
But the perfect campaign
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needs the perfect wife.
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00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:09,610
I have an old flame
that comes here.
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Once we accept that
they are never coming back
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to sweep us off our feet
with an unexpected...
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00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:19,960
E-Evie Russell?
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Colin Robinson.
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W-What are you doing here?
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Evie, please. I-I need you.
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I didn't think
I'd ever see you again
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after you fled the scene
of the accident
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that left me partially blind.
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-And completely unable
to move my legs.
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Oh, Evie.
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Evie Russell
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is an emotional vampire.
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The doctor said,
"She'd be better off dead."
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She drains people
by feeding on their emotions.
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00:04:48,090 --> 00:04:51,260
And then he hung himself
while he was masturbating.
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00:04:51,330 --> 00:04:53,030
Oh.
When we dated,
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she destroyed me
and fed off of the remnants
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of what used to be my heart.
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00:04:59,280 --> 00:05:01,420
She's the best.
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00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:03,820
Oh, I've never stopped
thinking about you.
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00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:06,080
I mean, even after
all these years.
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00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:09,230
To me, you are perfect.
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00:05:09,300 --> 00:05:11,040
Love Actually, 2003.
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I wish I knew how to quit you.
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00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:15,770
Brokeback Mountain, 2005.
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00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:19,080
-I got you this necklace.
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00:05:19,150 --> 00:05:21,590
Titanic, 1997.
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-It looks beautiful on you.
Thank you.
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Ever since I stumbled on
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the neighborhood
of Little Antipaxos,
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I have been spending my nights
with a delightful family.
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No, I-I have eaten...
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Being with them makes me feel
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almost human.
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I've been helping my new family
by actually working.
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00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:54,250
And maybe these simple acts
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of kindness, compassion,
and friendship
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might help lift this
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pissing Antipaxon curse
that I have all over me.
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00:06:01,970 --> 00:06:04,170
But...
they keep asking
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to meet Laszlo.
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Laszlo is not from Antipaxos,
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00:06:07,310 --> 00:06:11,050
and Antipaxons
are very, very suspicious
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00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:12,090
of outsiders.
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He's coming tonight.
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Now you see,
what you must understand is
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courting a partner's
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family is just as important
as courting the lover.
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So, I have done
deep research into
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these simple island folk.
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I learned their customs,
their dress.
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What the fuck are you wearing?
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I'm dressed as an islander.
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These people are peasants.
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It's important I fit in,
my darling.
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Their way of speaking.
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Me, Laszlo.
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Do you people have names
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or do you communicate
with sticks?
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I had become one of them.
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I think this is going well.
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This is the matriarch of this
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very important family to me,
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-okay? Yes?
-Yeah, yeah.
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00:06:52,030 --> 00:06:53,630
-Yia-Yia.
-Yia-Yia.
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Lovely to meet you, I'm sure.
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He was dropped on his head
as a baby.
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00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:07,060
Any big plans
for the summertime?
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00:07:07,130 --> 00:07:08,570
Not really.
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00:07:08,630 --> 00:07:11,670
So, I met Nandor at the gym.
I was doing
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00:07:11,740 --> 00:07:14,040
my reps, and he, uh,
I don't know,
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he-he seemed harmless and
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00:07:17,420 --> 00:07:20,190
kind of lonely, and, uh...
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then he asked me here, and...
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I don't know, I'm here.
Uh, I don't know.
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-It just happened.
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-You are enjoying the movie?
Shh!
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I remember the first time
I went to one.
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00:07:37,420 --> 00:07:39,460
There was a locomotion film
playing.
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00:07:39,530 --> 00:07:40,870
And we all thought,
200
00:07:40,930 --> 00:07:42,130
"This train's gonna kill us!"
And, of course--
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Shut up!
-Shh.
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Yes. Yes, you're right.
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Zero is the amount
of paperwork you'd have to file
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-after I replace
-Excuse me.
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our entire outdated system...
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00:07:58,300 --> 00:08:00,070
Mr. Robinson, are you all right?
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00:08:00,140 --> 00:08:02,550
Yeah. No, no.
It's not my turn. You go.
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With a seamless, user-friendly,
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digital platform.
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00:08:06,850 --> 00:08:09,460
Eliminate bureaucracy.
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00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:12,030
Say goodbye to paperwork.
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00:08:12,090 --> 00:08:15,160
-And hello to anarchy.
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You're-you're clapping
for an anarchist.
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00:08:16,770 --> 00:08:18,840
Thank you. Thank you very much.
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00:08:18,910 --> 00:08:21,950
Four weeks
ago, when I started this...
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00:08:22,750 --> 00:08:25,350
Check, check.
Microphone, microphone.
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00:08:25,420 --> 00:08:27,060
With the debate stage,
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00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:30,530
what you have
is a captive audience.
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00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:33,370
-Do you know how this...
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00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:36,810
It's like a smorgasbord.
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00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:40,650
Four weeks ago,
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00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:43,120
I was sitting down
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00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:45,660
for breakfast with my
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00:08:45,730 --> 00:08:47,070
beautiful wife, Evie.
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00:08:47,130 --> 00:08:50,100
Evie and I were sitting down
with our two
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00:08:50,170 --> 00:08:52,740
beautiful little boys,
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00:08:52,810 --> 00:08:55,480
Connor and
C-C-- Cah-- ristopher,
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00:08:55,550 --> 00:08:57,850
and Christopher
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00:08:57,920 --> 00:08:59,460
looks up to me-- he's
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00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:03,190
six years old
and full of the dickens--
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00:09:05,070 --> 00:09:08,580
And I said, "Well,
it's because of the taxes,
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00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:09,840
Conno-- Christopher."
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00:09:11,580 --> 00:09:15,550
And I'll be damned if there's
anyone in this hall right now...
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00:09:18,330 --> 00:09:20,540
...smells often of beef stew,
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00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,600
as all young children do.
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00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:28,780
Your allowance is being cut
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00:09:28,850 --> 00:09:30,850
because mommy lost her job.
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00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:33,260
Mommy lost her job to
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00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:36,390
an M'er-F'ing machine.
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00:09:36,460 --> 00:09:38,030
A machine that
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00:09:38,100 --> 00:09:39,700
ran over my foot
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00:09:39,770 --> 00:09:41,610
on a factory floor.
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00:09:41,670 --> 00:09:43,370
Unbelievable.
And is a-a
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00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:46,580
machine gonna tuck my two sons--
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00:09:46,650 --> 00:09:49,860
who are full of the dickens--
into bed?
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00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:52,760
You think that machine
can give my boys
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00:09:52,830 --> 00:09:54,270
their goodnight kissies?
253
00:09:54,330 --> 00:09:57,070
How's that gonna work?
Bleep, bloop, bloop, mwah.
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00:09:57,140 --> 00:10:00,410
I sure would like
to meet that machine
255
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:03,390
and tell it to pay
for my medical bills.
257
00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:08,300
That machine
ruined our gosh darn
258
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:11,170
C-Chrosstopher's life.
259
00:10:13,070 --> 00:10:16,180
No, really, you were so good.
260
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,510
I-I doubt I'll get
a single vote
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00:10:18,580 --> 00:10:20,380
Oh. Very nice.
262
00:10:20,450 --> 00:10:22,690
So, what do you want to do now?
263
00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:24,530
Oh, I don't know.
We could catch up.
264
00:10:24,590 --> 00:10:25,990
I really have thought about you
265
00:10:26,060 --> 00:10:28,870
quite a bit
these last few years.
266
00:10:28,930 --> 00:10:30,870
-I guess our Uber is here.
-Yeah.
267
00:10:30,940 --> 00:10:32,480
-Oh.
Not our Uber.
268
00:10:32,540 --> 00:10:33,680
Oh! Ow.
269
00:10:33,740 --> 00:10:35,080
What the hell?!
270
00:10:44,530 --> 00:10:47,470
European Middle Ages, in which
monks wore hoods or cowls...
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00:10:47,540 --> 00:10:49,380
This is triggering because
I was blind as a child,
272
00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:50,480
and I'm having flashbacks.
273
00:10:50,540 --> 00:10:52,810
Enough! Be quiet!
274
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:54,880
You guys can join us,
275
00:10:54,950 --> 00:10:57,090
but if you're hoping to get
any interesting footage,
276
00:10:57,160 --> 00:10:59,360
you came to exactly
the wrong place.
278
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:06,210
Ow.
279
00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:08,590
Where-where are we?
280
00:11:08,650 --> 00:11:09,790
Wait, a-are you...
281
00:11:09,850 --> 00:11:12,050
Okay. Uh, so,
282
00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:14,190
calling to order
this emergency meeting
283
00:11:14,260 --> 00:11:17,570
of the Supreme Council
of Energy Vampires.
284
00:11:17,630 --> 00:11:19,100
It's real?
285
00:11:19,170 --> 00:11:20,640
I'd always heard rumors, but...
286
00:11:20,700 --> 00:11:22,940
A-Are we in trouble?
287
00:11:23,010 --> 00:11:24,850
Well, uh, what we have here
288
00:11:24,910 --> 00:11:27,650
-is a situation in...
289
00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:29,320
Sorry, let me turn that off.
290
00:11:29,390 --> 00:11:32,800
So annoying, right?
Like, "Okay, Boomer."
291
00:11:32,860 --> 00:11:35,870
As I-I was saying, uh,
what we do have here
292
00:11:35,940 --> 00:11:38,280
-is a situation in which we...
293
00:11:38,340 --> 00:11:40,310
-Hey.
Uh, what you're
gonna want to do
294
00:11:40,380 --> 00:11:43,250
is go to your home screen
295
00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:45,320
and look for "Settings."
296
00:11:45,390 --> 00:11:46,790
-I'm not... I'm not seeing that.
And you open that up,
297
00:11:46,860 --> 00:11:48,360
and you're looking for "Alerts."
298
00:11:48,430 --> 00:11:50,540
-It should be
listed alphabetical,
I...
299
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:52,470
-so "Alerts"
would be at the top of that.
I am not seeing that.
300
00:11:52,540 --> 00:11:54,180
It could also be under
"Sounds and Haptics."
301
00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:55,840
I don't know what
operating system you're running.
302
00:11:55,910 --> 00:11:58,850
Sorry I'm late.
What'd I miss?
303
00:11:58,910 --> 00:12:00,210
You're not late.
You were actually sitting there
304
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:01,080
the whole time.
305
00:12:01,150 --> 00:12:02,850
Yeah, but I-I wasn't listening,
306
00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:05,060
so could somebody bring me
up to speed, please?
307
00:12:05,130 --> 00:12:06,430
They were asking if
308
00:12:06,500 --> 00:12:08,770
they're in trouble,
and I was saying that
309
00:12:08,830 --> 00:12:10,500
what we have here
is a situation in which...
310
00:12:10,570 --> 00:12:12,870
-Shucks.
Home screen.
311
00:12:12,940 --> 00:12:15,610
Okay. Mm.
-"Settings."
312
00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:16,920
Alert settings,
313
00:12:16,980 --> 00:12:18,420
and then what
you're gonna need to do
314
00:12:18,490 --> 00:12:21,760
-is find the, uh...
-My God, they are fantastic.
315
00:12:21,830 --> 00:12:23,230
Oh, yeah. This is awful.
316
00:12:23,300 --> 00:12:24,470
Maybe we should move on
317
00:12:24,530 --> 00:12:25,830
to the business at hand?
318
00:12:25,900 --> 00:12:27,740
-We can't hear you.
Just speak up.
319
00:12:27,810 --> 00:12:30,420
Oh, sorry. One moment.
320
00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:32,080
Just speak up.
321
00:12:32,150 --> 00:12:34,190
Shake it.
322
00:12:34,250 --> 00:12:35,890
Okay. How about now?
323
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,130
-No, no. Shake it.
-Mm-mmm.
324
00:12:37,190 --> 00:12:38,830
Y-You're gonna need to speak up.
325
00:12:38,890 --> 00:12:40,560
Maybe it's the Wi-Fi connection.
326
00:12:40,630 --> 00:12:42,070
I'm literally shouting.
327
00:12:42,130 --> 00:12:43,700
That would literally
have nothing to do with it.
328
00:12:43,770 --> 00:12:45,370
Uh, why don't you check
329
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:47,810
the XLR cable connection.
330
00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:49,920
Colin Robinson, Evie Russell,
331
00:12:49,980 --> 00:12:51,520
you have been summoned here...
332
00:12:51,590 --> 00:12:53,590
Does somebody want to
interrupt her and let her know
333
00:12:53,660 --> 00:12:56,130
that, at this point,
she is completely inaudible?
334
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,810
Yeah, no problem.
You're not-you're not audible
335
00:12:58,870 --> 00:13:00,410
due to the low volume
336
00:13:00,470 --> 00:13:02,640
-of your microphone.
I'm shouting.
338
00:13:03,980 --> 00:13:05,920
I am blowing up today.
339
00:13:05,980 --> 00:13:08,920
Listen, uh, if we don't
survive this,
340
00:13:08,990 --> 00:13:10,360
I-I just want you to know that
341
00:13:10,420 --> 00:13:11,790
-I've always loved...
Colin Robinson,
342
00:13:11,860 --> 00:13:14,570
no side conversations, please.
343
00:13:14,630 --> 00:13:16,330
I am at a loss.
344
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:17,740
-Do we have an agenda?
345
00:13:17,810 --> 00:13:19,050
System settings.
346
00:13:19,110 --> 00:13:20,310
I have something
called Settings?
347
00:13:20,380 --> 00:13:22,050
My good friend Alexander
348
00:13:22,110 --> 00:13:24,180
has yet to call me back
on the telephone.
349
00:13:24,250 --> 00:13:26,250
-Who is that? Is that Alexander?
350
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:28,190
No. Why would I be talking
to Alexander?
351
00:13:28,260 --> 00:13:31,330
I gave Alexander your number
because I do not have a phone.
352
00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:35,210
Does this fill me with
a crippling sense of self-doubt?
353
00:13:35,270 --> 00:13:36,940
Sometimes.
354
00:13:37,010 --> 00:13:38,580
It's not fair!
355
00:13:38,650 --> 00:13:40,620
Perhaps we are just
too different to be friends.
356
00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:42,620
But I can fix.
357
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:46,130
Master, you know I would
do anything for you, but
358
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,100
I'm not gonna circumcise you.
359
00:13:48,170 --> 00:13:49,610
Here's me in the corner.
360
00:13:49,670 --> 00:13:52,840
Here's me in the spotlight
at my circumcision.
361
00:13:52,910 --> 00:13:53,950
Master, you just can't
get circumcised
362
00:13:54,010 --> 00:13:55,110
for a friend you met at the gym.
363
00:13:55,180 --> 00:13:56,620
Guillermo, there's no other way.
364
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:57,850
How can two men be friends
365
00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,060
when they are so different?
366
00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:00,060
You and I are different.
367
00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:02,290
You are. I am not.
368
00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:04,500
It's time for you
369
00:14:04,570 --> 00:14:07,480
to snip my tip.
370
00:14:07,540 --> 00:14:10,210
Enjoy
371
00:14:11,910 --> 00:14:14,010
-Hello, my sexy, Greek,
372
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:15,420
extended family.
373
00:14:15,490 --> 00:14:16,660
Ah, Laszlo.
374
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:18,790
Gather round.
I have something I want to say.
375
00:14:18,860 --> 00:14:20,860
Oh, Laszlo, Yia-Yia.
376
00:14:20,930 --> 00:14:22,500
The memory of a song,
377
00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:23,770
when executed properly,
378
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:25,610
can be a powerful gift.
382
00:14:34,530 --> 00:14:36,230
Had my sweet love, Laszlo,
383
00:14:36,300 --> 00:14:37,700
consulted me before just
384
00:14:37,770 --> 00:14:39,610
putting on a big concert
in front of my new family,
385
00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:42,510
I would have probably said
maybe don't sing the battle hymn
386
00:14:42,580 --> 00:14:45,320
of our neighboring island,
Nisida Mongonisi,
387
00:14:45,380 --> 00:14:48,120
because that place is the home
of our mortal enemies,
388
00:14:48,190 --> 00:14:49,860
the Nisida Mongonisans.
390
00:14:51,130 --> 00:14:52,500
-Hold on a second, my--
-Shut up!
391
00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:54,700
Who told you
that was a good idea?!
392
00:14:54,770 --> 00:14:56,340
-All right, my darling.
You were singing,
393
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:57,970
"Kill them, kill them,
kill them."
394
00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:00,410
How many times have I said that
to you in Greek?
395
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:03,450
We can't hear you.
396
00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:05,160
You're just gonna
need to speak up.
397
00:15:05,220 --> 00:15:07,630
Feels like we should
turn this over
398
00:15:07,690 --> 00:15:08,960
to the chairman at this point.
399
00:15:09,030 --> 00:15:12,000
Yes. Uh, so, uh, do we...
400
00:15:12,070 --> 00:15:15,750
-Um...
-Hello. Yes.
401
00:15:15,810 --> 00:15:17,680
I can take it from here.
402
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:20,890
Thank you for softening them up.
403
00:15:20,950 --> 00:15:23,090
Okay.
Now, who is this?
404
00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:24,730
The Chairman.
Uh, you've
worked with her
405
00:15:24,790 --> 00:15:26,890
-for 15 years now.
Is that right?
406
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:28,000
Did she get
a haircut or something?
407
00:15:28,070 --> 00:15:29,370
Colin Robinson.
408
00:15:29,430 --> 00:15:32,300
Your opponent
Barbara Lazarro's platform
409
00:15:32,370 --> 00:15:34,740
is a direct threat
to the lifeblood
410
00:15:34,810 --> 00:15:36,580
of energy vampires,
411
00:15:36,650 --> 00:15:38,650
which is--
412
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:40,020
what's the word--
413
00:15:40,090 --> 00:15:41,490
bureaucracy.
414
00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:44,400
-Bureaucracy.
And bureaucracy is...
415
00:15:44,460 --> 00:15:47,100
How do I put this?
I feel like there's
416
00:15:47,170 --> 00:15:48,540
-a slogan...
-Oh.
417
00:15:48,610 --> 00:15:50,310
Bureaucracy is the gum
418
00:15:50,380 --> 00:15:53,090
that clogs the gears
of every human endeavor.
419
00:15:53,150 --> 00:15:55,190
The petty BS, in triplicate,
420
00:15:55,250 --> 00:15:56,550
-that reminds
421
00:15:56,620 --> 00:15:58,960
the common man that
he is a useless speck
422
00:15:59,030 --> 00:16:00,500
and has kept energy vampires
423
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:03,800
everywhere well-fed,
fat, and happy.
424
00:16:03,870 --> 00:16:06,480
All hail bureaucracy.
425
00:16:06,540 --> 00:16:09,010
Enough.
I can't take it anymore.
426
00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:11,250
Why are we here?
W-What do you want us to do?
427
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:14,530
You must beat Barbara Lazarro,
428
00:16:14,590 --> 00:16:15,660
or else.
429
00:16:15,730 --> 00:16:18,100
How do you expect me
to beat Barbara Lazarro?
430
00:16:18,170 --> 00:16:19,440
I-I can't win.
431
00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:20,540
Even if I could,
432
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:22,940
I don't even want
to be comptroller.
433
00:16:23,010 --> 00:16:25,150
This is how we feed, dummy.
434
00:16:25,210 --> 00:16:27,820
You need to protect
our way of life.
435
00:16:27,890 --> 00:16:28,890
What if I don't?
436
00:16:28,950 --> 00:16:31,250
We have certain methods
437
00:16:31,330 --> 00:16:33,640
for persuading the reluctant.
439
00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:38,470
Turn it around. It's backwards.
440
00:16:38,540 --> 00:16:39,740
I can't see it.
It's backwards.
441
00:16:39,810 --> 00:16:41,250
Turn it so it faces them,
442
00:16:41,310 --> 00:16:42,710
but also is facing me.
443
00:16:42,780 --> 00:16:45,320
Turn it so the screen
is facing us.
444
00:16:45,390 --> 00:16:46,930
No, they can't see it.
To the left more.
445
00:16:46,990 --> 00:16:48,590
-Left, left.
Please be
more expedient.
446
00:16:48,660 --> 00:16:49,600
Thank you.
447
00:16:49,660 --> 00:16:53,030
Slide one of 543:
448
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:55,440
"Hurry Up and Wait:
An Argument for
449
00:16:55,510 --> 00:16:57,310
-"and Statistical Review
Make it stop.
450
00:16:57,380 --> 00:17:00,490
-"of Energy Vampire Preservation
-It's too much.
451
00:17:00,550 --> 00:17:01,650
"Via Bureaucracy,
452
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:02,820
-Secured Only Through..."
Fine. Fine.
453
00:17:02,890 --> 00:17:04,760
We-We'll do it, just...
454
00:17:04,830 --> 00:17:06,430
please let us out of here.
455
00:17:06,500 --> 00:17:08,470
Thanks, but we-we're
still gonna read it.
456
00:17:08,530 --> 00:17:10,470
-Just to reiterate. Still gonna
457
00:17:10,540 --> 00:17:12,040
-watch it and read it.
"Part One,
Section One..."
458
00:17:17,020 --> 00:17:19,230
And I'm here to fight
for the change you deserve,
459
00:17:19,290 --> 00:17:22,000
Staten Island. And with
all of you, my Colin-izers,
460
00:17:22,060 --> 00:17:24,000
by my side, I can't lose.
461
00:17:24,060 --> 00:17:27,030
I'm so full of passion,
462
00:17:27,100 --> 00:17:28,640
I just want to scream!
464
00:17:30,510 --> 00:17:33,580
And now we're off
to Mariners Harbor,
465
00:17:33,650 --> 00:17:34,890
Midland Beach,
466
00:17:34,950 --> 00:17:38,060
Randall Manor. Yee-haw!
467
00:17:38,130 --> 00:17:40,170
Okay. I'm just gonna take
468
00:17:40,230 --> 00:17:42,030
a quick break now
to settle down.
469
00:17:42,100 --> 00:17:45,040
I can't keep doing this.
470
00:17:45,110 --> 00:17:48,520
Uh, I can't keep
pretending to be
471
00:17:48,580 --> 00:17:50,880
Mr. Charisma
to all these nimrods.
472
00:17:50,950 --> 00:17:52,320
It's awful.
473
00:17:52,390 --> 00:17:53,990
But the Energy Vampire
Council said
474
00:17:54,060 --> 00:17:56,730
we have to win, or else.
476
00:17:57,900 --> 00:17:59,640
No. No. No.
477
00:17:59,700 --> 00:18:02,070
Enough. It ends now.
478
00:18:02,140 --> 00:18:04,080
What?
479
00:18:04,140 --> 00:18:05,810
Okay, where was I?
480
00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:09,050
-Let's see here. Meiers Corners.
481
00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:11,220
Graniteville.
How about Fort Wadsworth?
482
00:18:11,290 --> 00:18:12,630
Do I hear anyone from
483
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:14,400
Randall Manor?!
484
00:18:14,460 --> 00:18:17,130
All right!
485
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:18,540
What?
486
00:18:18,610 --> 00:18:21,680
Oh, i-it-it's not
what it looks like.
487
00:18:21,750 --> 00:18:23,920
I was just beating off
488
00:18:23,980 --> 00:18:25,820
to all your beautiful faces
489
00:18:25,890 --> 00:18:27,530
during the break, and I-I guess
490
00:18:27,590 --> 00:18:30,930
I forgot to pull up my-my pants.
491
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:33,870
So, I waited, like,
492
00:18:33,940 --> 00:18:35,610
five hours at the gym
493
00:18:35,670 --> 00:18:37,840
to bump into
my friend Alexander.
494
00:18:37,910 --> 00:18:41,150
Then, when he finally
did show up...
495
00:18:41,220 --> 00:18:43,860
Alexander! Come on.
Oh, Alexander!
496
00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:45,390
I don't know.
497
00:18:45,460 --> 00:18:48,100
Maybe I rushed things a little
with my big reveal.
498
00:18:48,170 --> 00:18:51,440
Alexander! Ta-da!
499
00:18:51,510 --> 00:18:52,750
Twins.
500
00:18:52,810 --> 00:18:54,110
Alexander, wait.
501
00:18:54,180 --> 00:18:55,980
I got to get out
of this fucking city.
502
00:18:56,050 --> 00:18:57,090
Alexander!
503
00:18:57,150 --> 00:18:58,720
The excitement of our friendship
504
00:18:58,790 --> 00:19:00,090
made me overlook
my vampire powers.
505
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:01,800
Hi.
506
00:19:01,860 --> 00:19:04,600
My foreskin grew back very fast.
507
00:19:04,670 --> 00:19:06,610
Now he thinks I'm meshuggener,
508
00:19:06,670 --> 00:19:10,310
which means he thinks
I'm a little bit of a putz.
510
00:19:16,890 --> 00:19:18,560
Shh.
511
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:21,930
Shh. Pss, pss, pss, pss.
512
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:23,570
No, don't stop,
not on my account.
513
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:25,140
Keep going.
514
00:19:25,210 --> 00:19:27,050
Now, I know I'm different
from you people,
515
00:19:27,110 --> 00:19:28,310
but I am who I am.
516
00:19:28,380 --> 00:19:30,050
"And who are you?"
I hear you ask.
517
00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:32,220
-Fuck's sake.
Well,
that's a good question.
518
00:19:32,290 --> 00:19:34,060
-I...
519
00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:36,490
am an esteemed
British gentleman,
520
00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:38,230
well-bred to the manor born.
521
00:19:38,300 --> 00:19:40,100
I can speak 14 languages,
522
00:19:40,170 --> 00:19:41,370
as long as they are English.
523
00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:43,240
I can play any instrument,
524
00:19:43,310 --> 00:19:44,610
apart from bagpipes.
525
00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:46,820
They sound fucking terrible
to everyone.
526
00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:48,750
I can fashion any tree,
527
00:19:48,820 --> 00:19:50,390
any hedge, into a vulva.
528
00:19:50,460 --> 00:19:52,430
In the days before medicine,
I survived
529
00:19:52,490 --> 00:19:55,160
gonorrhea, chlamydia,
530
00:19:55,230 --> 00:19:58,100
the plague, clubfoot, leprosy,
531
00:19:58,170 --> 00:20:00,740
black fever, yellow fever,
532
00:20:00,810 --> 00:20:02,480
night fever.
533
00:20:02,550 --> 00:20:04,750
But most important,
and I must emphasize
534
00:20:04,820 --> 00:20:07,160
that this is the most important
thing about me:
535
00:20:07,220 --> 00:20:10,030
I am a certified
536
00:20:10,100 --> 00:20:11,470
master cocksman.
537
00:20:11,530 --> 00:20:13,130
-To cut this short
538
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:14,670
and to get straight
to the point,
539
00:20:14,740 --> 00:20:17,850
you can all go
f-f-fuck yourselves.
540
00:20:17,910 --> 00:20:19,280
-Oh, for fuck's sake, Laszlo.
541
00:20:19,350 --> 00:20:21,990
-Very hard.
543
00:20:25,260 --> 00:20:26,200
What's she doing, my love?
544
00:20:26,260 --> 00:20:28,160
What's happening?
546
00:20:34,510 --> 00:20:37,920
By some stroke of dumb luck,
547
00:20:37,990 --> 00:20:40,830
my new family absolutely
bloody love Laszlo.
548
00:20:40,890 --> 00:20:43,760
You see, there is a tale
in my country
549
00:20:43,830 --> 00:20:45,800
that has been passed down
through generations
550
00:20:45,870 --> 00:20:47,610
of a wet-headed,
551
00:20:47,670 --> 00:20:49,840
wide-bodied, ignorant oaf,
552
00:20:49,910 --> 00:20:51,650
with the brains
of a chewing gums.
553
00:20:51,710 --> 00:20:54,520
This spirit is said to
continually reincarnate itself,
554
00:20:54,590 --> 00:20:57,430
but always as a pompous,
perverted oaf.
555
00:20:57,490 --> 00:21:00,130
And my family think
it is, well,
556
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:01,600
Laszlo.
557
00:21:01,670 --> 00:21:04,240
And when you are in the presence
of this spirit,
558
00:21:04,300 --> 00:21:07,370
it brings good luck
and good fortune to everyone.
559
00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:08,910
Hello there. How are you?
560
00:21:08,980 --> 00:21:10,980
Vasili?s Pyuroni.
561
00:21:11,050 --> 00:21:13,220
The king of pigs.
562
00:21:13,290 --> 00:21:15,900
My king of pigs.
564
00:21:17,260 --> 00:21:20,170
-He's very, very, very stupid.
565
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:23,580
I want to say to my young boys,
566
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:25,940
uh, Connor and Cra--
567
00:21:26,010 --> 00:21:28,010
Christoph... pher,
568
00:21:28,090 --> 00:21:31,660
to them, I say I'm sorry,
Daddy's coming home.
569
00:21:33,500 --> 00:21:36,170
I-I'd like to say
a few words myself.
571
00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:39,610
Thank you in advance
572
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:43,220
for respecting
my family's privacy--
573
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:45,890
don't touch me--
574
00:21:45,950 --> 00:21:49,960
while we deal
with this isolated incident
575
00:21:50,030 --> 00:21:52,940
in which my husband
576
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:55,510
flashed and mooned
577
00:21:55,570 --> 00:21:57,870
the beautiful voters
578
00:21:57,950 --> 00:21:59,420
of Staten Island
579
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:02,190
after a poorly-timed
580
00:22:02,250 --> 00:22:04,090
masturbation sesh.
581
00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:07,970
As well as
the isolated incident in which
582
00:22:08,030 --> 00:22:09,970
we woke up to
583
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:12,580
what sounded like a burglar
in our house,
584
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:14,810
and my husband
immediately yelled,
585
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:17,750
"Take her and my kids,
don't take me"
586
00:22:17,820 --> 00:22:19,460
-before realizing
587
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:22,320
it was just a racoon
outside our house.
588
00:22:23,100 --> 00:22:25,170
This man has let us all down.
589
00:22:25,230 --> 00:22:26,770
But I will make it up to you
590
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:29,880
by becoming your next
borough comptroller.
592
00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:32,840
All right!
593
00:22:38,060 --> 00:22:39,800
I was surprised that
594
00:22:39,860 --> 00:22:43,500
Evie ran in my place.
Only
595
00:22:43,570 --> 00:22:45,570
18 people voted.
596
00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:47,380
So, with the write-in votes
597
00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:49,340
that Evie got from her
598
00:22:49,410 --> 00:22:50,880
breakup group--
599
00:22:50,950 --> 00:22:53,590
well, it was enough
to carry the day.
600
00:22:53,660 --> 00:22:55,130
I think she'll do
601
00:22:55,190 --> 00:22:56,730
the council proud.
I-I'm
602
00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:59,370
-happy for her.
-Colin Robinson.
603
00:22:59,430 --> 00:23:02,070
Evie Russell.
What are you doing here?
604
00:23:02,140 --> 00:23:04,380
I wanted to let you know...
606
00:23:06,850 --> 00:23:08,020
I'm sad.
607
00:23:08,090 --> 00:23:11,560
Why? I thought you'd enjoy
being comptroller.
608
00:23:11,630 --> 00:23:14,330
I'm sad because
609
00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:16,540
we can't see each other anymore.
610
00:23:17,500 --> 00:23:19,740
But maybe you and I
611
00:23:19,810 --> 00:23:22,850
could meet up
every once in a while
612
00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:25,690
-and later...
-I don't want to do that.
613
00:23:25,750 --> 00:23:27,790
-But maybe w-we can--
-I-I'm sorry.
614
00:23:27,860 --> 00:23:30,670
-I should give this back to you.
-Yeah, I want this back.
615
00:23:30,730 --> 00:23:32,970
I hope you didn't
pay too much for it.
616
00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:34,710
It gave me a rash,
so I think it's made of
617
00:23:34,770 --> 00:23:36,370
some kind of really cheap metal.
618
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:37,940
It's not metal.
619
00:23:38,010 --> 00:23:40,280
Oh. Well...
620
00:23:40,350 --> 00:23:43,090
I wish it didn't
have to be this way.
622
00:23:46,130 --> 00:23:48,440
Evie, wh-why?
623
00:23:48,500 --> 00:23:50,910
It's...
624
00:23:50,970 --> 00:23:53,040
complicated.
625
00:23:56,310 --> 00:23:57,610
-Nancy Meyers,
627
00:24:01,060 --> 00:24:04,740
?? Don't say goodbye,
don't make me cry ??
628
00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:07,440
?? Doo-wop, doo-wop ??
629
00:24:07,500 --> 00:24:10,940
?? It would only break my heart ??
630
00:24:11,010 --> 00:24:13,350
?? Doo-wop, doo-wop... ??
632
00:24:15,050 --> 00:24:16,720
Nothing like spending some
quality time with old frien--
633
00:24:16,790 --> 00:24:18,030
Shh! Shut the fuck up.
634
00:24:18,090 --> 00:24:20,400
I'm trying to watch
a movie here.
636
00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:26,880
?? Don't say goodbye,
don't make me cry ??
637
00:24:26,940 --> 00:24:29,010
?? Doo-wop, doo-wop ??
638
00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:32,620
?? It would only break my heart ??
639
00:24:32,690 --> 00:24:34,960
?? Doo-wop, doo-wop ??
640
00:24:35,030 --> 00:24:38,500
?? If you ever, ever leave ??
641
00:24:38,570 --> 00:24:41,140
?? Doo-wop, doo-wop ??
642
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:43,870
?? Then you know ??
643
00:24:43,940 --> 00:24:47,650
?? Don't say goodbye,
don't make me cry ??
644
00:24:50,120 --> 00:24:53,960
?? Don't ever take your love
from me ??
645
00:24:55,970 --> 00:24:59,210
?? Our love
could last eternally ??
646
00:24:59,270 --> 00:25:02,580
?? Eternally. ??
647
00:25:02,650 --> 00:25:06,060
Captioned by
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access.wgbh.org
42359
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