Original subtitles

[rooster crows]

[water running]

[Julio inhales and exhales]

[woman speaking Spanish on TV]

[Esperanza clears throat]

[sighs]

- Dawg, Ruby was a 10... out of 100.

Everybody thought she was ugly. LUIS: The fuck?

You can't be talking about how Ruby's ugly

when you have the face of an elephant's foot.

- Just because I'm ugly doesn't mean I don't know what ugly looks like.

I have eyes.

Also, she stunk.

- You two are fuckin' losers and you deserve to be alone.

♪ theme music playing ♪

♪

♪

- You still emo about your lady?

- Everything reminds me of her, dawg.

- Then take a trip, bitch.

You know there's women all over the world, right?

- Maybe I do need to get outta here.

- Yeah. Shit, my man needs some foreign pussy.

Yo, Julio, tell Luis where he should go on his voyage.

- You wanna get your heart broken?

You can do that right here in LA.

- Damn, Julio.

Don't nobody wanna hear about your life sorrows.

Man, y'all some emotional-ass Mexicans.

Luis, spin the globe

and figure out where you're going on your trip.

Just spin it.

- Romania?

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's still spinning, look.

Boom!

- Paris?

Hell, yeah.

- Ooh, la-la!

I heard them women down there don't shave nothin'!

If you into that kinda shit.

- Well, we're about to find out.

But, damn, I still gotta get my record expunged.

- Hey, check this out.

They got a new coffee shop in the neighborhood.

They employ ex-felons, too.

Pretty cool, huh? MINISTER PAYNE: Let me see that.

Where'd you get this? - They're on the cars outside.

LUIS: Damn, what the fuck?

- These fools are jacking our style.

- We gotta go talk to these motherfuckers.

This shit cannot stand.

Percy, get some muffins.

- Fuck, yeah, let's roll.

- Hey, y'all go ahead without me.

I got some shit I gotta take care of.

- I can watch the place for you, you know, while you're gone.

- Keep dreaming, Jorge.

This place would burn down if you ran it.

Carlos, you're in charge.

- Oh, okay, yeah, no problem.

- Yo, we just ran outta creamer...

[echoing] ...you know where we keep the extra?

CARLOS: Creamers?

Creamers. Creamer goes in coffee, coffees go in the computers,

computers go to the Internet.

Internet, we need Internet. No, we need coffee!

No, creamer. I'm not racist for creamers.

Creamers! - Carlos!

- So, like, what's the plan here?

- Just gonna talk to them.

- Okay, we gonna, we gonna talk to 'em or we gonna talk to 'em?

- We're gonna talk to them.

CHEF PERCY: Alright, alright, we gonna talk to 'em.

♪ ambient music playing ♪

- It's fuckin' nice in here. - Motherfuckers.

♪

We need to talk to your manager.

- Sure, give me a second and I'll go get him.

♪

- So, what you got here?

Scones?

- Those are scones, alright.

- I make muffins. [Chef Worsey sighs]

Fluffy, puffy muffins.

- Not bad for an airy-ass pastry.

- What?

- I moved on to the scone, though.

- The fuck?

This shit look like some old-ass Little Caesar pizza.

- [scoffs] Don't you ever disrespect my beautiful scones.

- Let me ask you something about this scone.

Does it float?

- Hell, no, my motherfuckers don't float.

My scones, they sink.

Check this out.

- Ugh!

CHEF WORSEY: Look at that scone sink.

Mm, like an innocent witch.

I like to give the people their money's worth.

- Muffins ain't shit.

- I'ma-- - Welcome, brothers.

I was told you wanted to speak with me.

- Yeah, uh, we just wanted to drop by

and welcome you to our neighborhood.

Uh, we're just a few blocks from here

and we happen to run a coffee shop

that employs ex-gang members and convicts.

What a coinkydink, right?

- Well, it's nice to meet you, friends.

But it sounds like you have a very different business model.

See, we don't employ ex-gangsters.

We employ hardworking people

who were wrongfully convicted of crimes they did not commit.

Hence the name, Guilt Free Café.

You know, I'm surprised you never heard of us.

We've actually been in business for five years

and this is our third shop.

- So you're telling me all the guys working here didn't do shit?

- I'm telling you, all the guys working here didn't do shit.

MINISTER PAYNE: I just find it interesting

that all these people here are supposedly innocent

'cause I'd say you're pretty fuckin' guilty

of encroaching on our turf.

You Burger King'd us and then you had the nerve

to advertise right in front of our store.

We found those on every car in our parking lot.

- You know what? I, uh, I apologize, this was a mistake.

This will never happen again.

- Come on, you're full of shit.

You're trying to take our fucking customers.

- Hey, fuck you, playboy. - Fuck you, saying "playboy" is my thing.

- Okay, calm down, Julian. [grunts]

♪ intense music playing ♪

Now listen to me.

We have been pushed around enough in our lives.

You don't wanna mess with us.

Now leave my shop before I do something I regret.

- Clean up on aisle bitch!

CHEF WORSEY: Yo, I'ma kill you!

[grunts] - Stop! Chef Worsey, stop.

We're above that.

- Yeah, you like to think that, don't you?

Good luck with that, big guy.

- Easy, easy.

♪

[door closes]

- So then my lady ended shit, which fucked me up.

So now I just wanna get away.

You know, I got the travel bug.

So I was trying to figure out how I can go somewhere

with my record being all fucked up and whatnot.

That's when I started wondering, like,

"Hey, like, who do you know that works in law?"

That's when I remembered you.

But I know you're not, like, a real lawyer,

um, you're just like a paralegal.

But I thought, "Hey, you know, maybe she could still help me."

So that's when I looked you up on LinkedIn.

But turns out I needed an account.

So I go to set up a password,

but it said the password wasn't strong enough.

So then it gives me a suggested password.

But I'm like, "How the fuck am I supposed to remember all this?"

It was like Z-Y, um, like, four sevens in a row

and then, um, dash, a little T-- MAGGIE: Luis!

Get to the point. What do you want?

- So basically I'm here to see how I can get my record expunged.

And I brought you a muffin.

Banana nut.

- I can help you get your paperwork started,

but this shit could take up to a year.

There are some places you can travel to

without having your record expunged, though.

- Like Paris?

- No fuckin' chance you're going to Paris.

But I'll print you a list of some countries you can go to.

LUIS: Alright.

Thanks, Maggie.

Hey, I really appreciate it, alright?

Hey, and congrats on getting married, by the way.

Kinda fucked up I wasn't invited,

but, anyway, how's that shit going?

[sighs] [rooster crows]

- You doing alright, buddy?

- We're fucked.

The fuckin' place is better than us in every way.

Shit, man, I bet their fucking coffee's good, too.

We're gonna have to shut down, just like Hugs Not Thugs.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, don't lose hope.

We'll get through this.

We're due for some good luck.

- Yeah, right. Yeah.

- I'm gonna go for a run. I'll see you later.

- Yeah.

- 'Sup, Payne. MINISTER PAYNE: 'Sup, Luis?

- Hey, Julio.

Guess who I saw today?

JULIO: Ha, I knew she was gonna get divorced.

- And she asked about you.

- Oh, shit, for real? What did she say?

- Uh, she said, "How's your dumbass cousin doing?"

- And then what did you say?

- Then I said, um, "Oh, you know, being a dumbass."

- And then what did she say?

- Oh, she was like, "This muffin's pretty good for a muffin."

- Mm-hmm. LUIS: "Do you guys serve it at the café?"

- Uh-huh. LUIS: And I was like, "Yeah."

And then--

Argh!

No, then she was like...

- Mm-hmm. LUIS: ..."Oh, hold on, Luis,

I'm about to sneeze."

- Okay. - And then she almost sneezed...

[microwave beeping] ...uh, but then she didn't.

- How'd she look?

- Uh, like Maggie.

But like fucked up and sad though.

- Hey, that's what you get when you marry bootleg Julio.

Why'd you go see her anyways?

- She's helping me get my shit expunged.

I'm gonna go to Paris.

- For real? LUIS: Eventually.

[mouth full] But for now, I decided I'm gonna go to Cambodia.

'Cause they don't give a fuck if you got a record there.

Plus, that's where they filmed Tomb Raider.

- Yeah.

- So I'ma be out there like Lara Croft, you know,

going through the jungle and shit, blasting fools.

Fucking raiding tombs.

[knock on door] [door opens]

♪

- Hey, Officer Hernandez.

♪

- What's up?

- Can we talk?

♪

- Nah, I'm good.

♪

- Okay. I understand.

♪

- Nah, wait, hey, come on, I'm just fuckin' around.

♪

Of course, I wanna talk to your ass.

♪

RUBY: How you been? LUIS: You know, been alright.

Handling my shit, you know?

RUBY: Good. I know it's been a minute.

I just wanted to see that we're good.

LUIS: I don't know. Weird.

RUBY: I just thought you were acting real crazy.

LUIS: I was acting crazy? RUBY: Yeah.

LUIS: You're the one that fuckin' disappeared

after I confessed my feeling to you.

RUBY: Why do you think that is?

LUIS: What do you mean, why do you think that is?

RUBY: You were-- You were a little delusional

and I had to leave to make a point.

LUIS: I was delusional? RUBY: Yeah, you were.

LUIS: You're the one that fuckin' bounced on me. Who the fuck does that?

What fuckin' kinda psycho-ass person does that?

RUBY: Somebody that's smart.

LUIS: After we had already been kickin' it.

[indistinct arguing]

♪

[lips smacking]

♪

MAGGIE: The whole thing was a disaster.

I got into it way too fucking fast, poor guy.

I'm never fucking another Julio again.

- Well, sounds like it was your fault

and you're completely to blame for everything that happened.

- [sarcastically] Ha, ha.

So what happened to that MILF you were dating?

- Fuckin' dumped her ass.

- Mm!

- Well, technically she broke up with me.

Damn. I lost my daughter.

- You were a shitty dad anyway.

- At least I didn't marry my fuckin' rebound, dumbass.

- Fuck you.

Don't. Stop, stop.

- Hey, we should get back together.

♪

- Are you serious? JULIO: Yeah, why not?

You're divorced, I'm single.

It's a sign.

- Jesus, Julio.

[laughs]

That's good. Good one.

JULIO: No, I'm serious.

You remember Ice Road Truckers?

I've been watching that shit a lot lately.

There's this one part where they talk about how the crows

find these trucks to fly next to

so they can survive and stay warm during the winter.

It's fuckin' beautiful.

These crows are soaring next to these truck drivers

across the fuckin' tundra.

You and me, we're like the crow and the truck.

We always seem to find each other.

- Nah, that analogy's fuckin' stupid.

The crow thinks the truck is keeping it warm and safe

but the whole time it's breathing in carbon monoxide.

The truck is killing the crow.

- Yeah, but--

Yeah.

- I was pissed at you for a long fuckin' time.

But you know what?

You were actually right.

We only did this shit because it was convenient.

- Yeah, you're right.

- I gotta be alone for a while.

Get my shit together.

Maybe move into a cabin in the woods, write a manifesto.

Shit, I might even get bangs again.

- Staying friends sounds stupid, right?

- Very fucking stupid.

JULIO: Nothing annoys me more

than couples that break up and stay friends.

- Oh, fuck those people, I hope they die alone.

- Right? Why don't you just fuckin' hate each other

like normal, mature people?

- To us.

Two fuckin' losers who deserve to be alone.

- May I never see your stupid face again.

- ♪ It's over now ♪

♪

♪ Darling, good luck to you ♪

♪

JULIO: And then, trip out,

Maggie showed up after you went out for your run

and she wanted to get back with me.

- Yeah? What'd you say?

- I said, look, that's really sweet

but you're caught up in a moment of weakness right now.

At first, she didn't get it, but then I explained it to her logically

and then she got it.

- That's good, you don't need a woman right now, you got me.

Plus, you're a young mogul. We need to focus on the café.

We're gonna run those Guilt Free fucks out of business.

JULIO: Holy shit.

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

What the fuck?

- What the fuck happened here? - It wasn't me.

- What the fuck?

That's a human masa on the floor.

Who did this human masa?

- We all know who did this.

This is a classic case of he who is without sin casting the first stone.

Uh, just yesterday, we brought some of our delicious muffins

over to the Guilt Free Café, uh, to welcome them to the neighborhood.

We wanted to see how we could work together

to benefit our community,

but it became clear they see us as the enemy,

even though we were here first.

They threw us out of their store, they threatened us,

and then 24 hours later, this happened.

Get a shot of that.

Zoom in.

The world needs to know what happened here.

This is what they do to you when you're a good person.

Someone takes a literal [bleep] on you.

Julio, how's that fundraiser page coming?

JULIO: What do you think of this title?

MINISTER PAYNE [on TV]: It's gonna be okay, Carlos, it's gonna be okay.

"Help Mugs Not Thugs."

Change it to, um, "Mugs Not Thugs is under attack,"

that'll get more eyes on it.

[keyboard keys clacking]

- I cleaned up the human masa, so I'm done for the day.

By the way, some fool out there's asking to talk to the manager.

[sighs]

- You got some nerve showing up here after what you did to us.

- You better not think about taking another dump on our floor, you sick fuck.

- Earlier today, I was questioned by the police.

They had no problem coming into my coffee shop

and making a scene in front of the customers,

because you guys accused us of a crime we didn't commit.

- Fuck you and the innocent horse you rode in on.

- Where were you last night?

- Hold on, uh, let me understand this.

Are you actually implying

that I broke into my own coffee shop,

smashed it all up, dropped a deuce on the fuckin' floor,

and then blamed it on you?

- Yeah.

- Well, guess what?

There's a fuckin' hole in your little theory.

I got an airtight alibi 'cause I was with Julio all night.

I did not step one foot out of our garage.

I'm gonna go for a run. I'll see you later.

- Later.

MINISTER PAYNE: Right, Julio?

- Yeah. That's right.

- See? [scoffs]

♪

- I thought maybe it was just you

but now I realize, you guys are in it together.

♪

You should be ashamed of yourself.

MINISTER PAYNE: Oh, fuck you.

We know the real reason you're here.

You came to fuck us up.

So, drop the innocent act and take a fuckin' swing, my friend.

♪

- I renounced violence years ago.

- Nah, you just don't have the balls to commit a crime,

you fuckin' pussy.

♪

[Minister Payne grunts]

JULIO; Fuckin' asshole!

[grunting]

♪

[Gordon grunts] Oh, shit, sorry.

[Julio groans]

- I'm sorry, it was a reflex.

But now that the seal is broken--

[grunts] [groans]

♪

Double jeopardy, bitch.

- Fuck.

♪

- Jesus.

You really fucked shit up.

♪

- I think I'm gonna get outta town for a while,

go back to New York.

Go visit my son.

- The fuck, you have a son?

- Yeah, he's in his 20 now, I think.

Might even be 30, Jesus, I don't know.

I left him and his mother when he was just a kid.

At the time, I convinced myself I was doing them a favor.

I guess I don't know what favors are.

JULIO: Fuck, man.

This whole time I thought you didn't go back to New York

because you were in the mob or some shit.

- Not all Italians are in the mob, Julio.

[door opens] [door bells jingle]

- Hey, Chief, uh, sorry to bother you.

Hey, I came to pick up my check.

- Jorge, get the fuck outta here!

- Hey, fuck you!

You don't fuckin' talk to me like that.

I'm a good person, I don't deserve to be treated this way.

Now fuckin' apologize to me

before I beat the living dog shit out of you... Chief.

- I'm really sorry, Jorge, I'm sorry.

- That's right, you're fuckin' sorry.

Now I'ma go home, I'll come back for my check tomorrow.

Don't make me catch a case, Chief.

♪

[door opens] [door bells jingle]

- Hey, uh, do you think I can get a ride home?

- Sure. - Thanks.

♪

JULIO: I can't believe you took a shit on the floor.

- I did it for you.

[door opens] [door bells jingle]

♪

[Luis sighs]

LUIS: He was a good roommate though.

JULIO: Yeah.

He was always jerking off in here.

- Yeah. So was I.

- Yeah, so was I.

- Payne's lucky though.

I hope in 20 years, I find out I have a son

and I have to go visit that fool

and beg for forgiveness and shit.

Since Ruby doesn't wanna have any kids,

it's... all I can hope for.

- When you fools leave for Cambodia?

- In a week, but just by myself.

Yeah, Ruby can't take any more time off work.

But she said to go and experience it,

that, you know, it'd be good for my soul and shit.

- I'll keep shit going at the café while you're gone.

- Thanks, my boy.

Alright, I'm gonna take a shower.

[Luis sighs]

[exhales] Hey, but you know what?

I haven't forgot about all that fucked-up shit you said

about Ruby being ugly. [scoffs]

I took a good-ass look at her and she's a hard eight.

Also, I smelled her.

She smells fuckin' good, homey.

I think you were just gasoline-lighting me.

JULIO: I'm sorry.

I'ma be honest with you.

Ruby, she's fine as fuck.

I'd definitely hit that.

- What the fuck?

Don't be saying shit like that about my lady.

Fuckin' idiot. JULIO: Go take a shower.

♪ Las Piedras Rodantes by El Tri playing ♪

[indistinct chatter] [bell dings]

♪

♪ scatting ♪

♪

- That crazy big, big motherfucker Payne getting us on the news

done bought us a bunch of new customers.

Shit's looking up.

♪ scatting continues ♪

♪

- Hey, Jorge.

I got an appointment later today.

I'm thinking you could be in charge while I'm gone.

♪

- Got it, Chief. Yes!

♪ singing in Spanish ♪

♪

THERAPIST: So tell me, Julio,

why do you think it bothers you so much that Jorge is happy?

♪ singing continues ♪

♪

[sighs]

♪

[bell dings]

♪

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Excuse me. Your drink, sir.

- Thank you.

[plane rattling]

♪ scatting continues ♪

[bell dings]

PILOT [over radio]: Ladies and gentlemen,

this is your captain speaking,

as we make our ascent over the Pacific Ocean

flying straight to Cambodia.

We are gonna be experiencing some turbulence.

Please make sure that your seatbelts are securely fastened for your safety.

♪

[baby crying]

♪ singing continues ♪

♪

♪