Original subtitles

[fan blades rattling]

♪ eerie vocalizing ♪

♪

[rattling stops]

JULIO: This heat is fucking you up, too, huh?

LUIS: Nah, dawg.

It's Ruby.

- You guys weren't even dating for that long.

- Well, fuck you, bitch.

When you and Maggie broke up, you were all sad about it,

and you didn't even like her that much.

Imagine being like that

but with your soulmate.

- Hey, hey, hey, I'm trying to sleep over here.

Can you guys be sad quietly, please?

Jesus.

LUIS: She could be anywhere in the world right now.

♪ vocalizing continues ♪

Probably getting rammed by some exotic fool.

♪

Fuck.

♪

[man snoring]

♪ vocalizing continues ♪

♪

JULIO TAMBIÉN: Good morning, sleepy head.

How did my angel sleep last night?

[yawning]

- Like shit.

- We gotta sign you up for one of those sleep studies.

Mwah.

[chuckles softly]

So I have that hearing this afternoon

and it's looking like I'm gonna be able to get amnesty

for those Haitian immigrants,

but I shouldn't be too late

so I was thinking maybe

sex tonight?

Alright, I'll pick up something light for dinner.

[humming]

[phone chimes]

♪ theme music playing ♪

♪

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

- ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

- Hey, Ashley. - Jason?

[studio audience applauding]

What are you doing here?

It's past curfew.

- I was just wondering,

will you go to junior prom with me?

[audience oohing]

- But, Jason, we broke up yesterday.

[audience laughing]

JASON [on TV]: I know we did Ashley,

but I was just sort of wondering

if we could maybe, like, un-break up?

[audience oohing and laughing]

- This show's stupid.

- Sorry, but I can't, Jason.

It just wouldn't be fair... to Lason.

- What kinda stupid-ass name is Lason?

And why did Jason go all the way to her house to talk to her?

Why didn't he just text her?

- Jason got in trouble for stealing a pack of gum

so his phone got taken away.

He's kind of a bad boy.

ASHLEY: Plus, he's a history whiz.

Lason knows all the names of the presidents

and he says that I'm his First Lady.

- But why do their parents let teenagers have zip lines

into each other's rooms?

Can we watch something else, please?

AURORA: But I wanna find out if Ashley and Jason get back together.

- Obviously, they're gonna get back together.

The show's called Ashley and Jason,

but you know what?

Nobody should be together since high school.

- I want my skateboard back. [gasps]

- But you were going to teach me how to ollie.

JASON: I guess Lason will have to teach you now.

- [gasps] I hate you, Jason!

Ugh!

[Jason groans] Jason!

Can we still be friends? [audience laughs]

- ♪ Ashley and Jason ♪

- And the theme song sucks, too.

- Mija, it's time to get ready for bed.

- But it's too hot to sleep.

- Get a fan from the closet.

[sighs]

- ♪ It's almost sexual ♪

♪ But not quite yet ♪

- Hey, dumbass, why'd you tell her the show sucks?

- Because it does.

- Of course, it sucks. It's for kids.

- That show makes me wanna stab myself in the heart Elliott Smith style.

- Dude, you need therapy.

- If going to therapy is gonna make me like Ashley and Jason,

hey, keep your dumbass therapy.

- Whatever. I'm not gonna force you to go to therapy.

It's your fucking life.

Just let my kid enjoy her dumb show.

- Alright, fine.

Hey, but you do know that Ashley and Jason

are gonna get back together next episode, right?

Like that's clear to you?

- Of course, I fucking know that, I'm not an idiot.

- Just checking.

[audience laughs]

JASON [on TV]: I was just sort of wondering if we could maybe, like,

un-break up?

[audience laughs] - Sorry, but I can't, Jason.

It just wouldn't be fair... to Lason.

- She lets her kid watch this garbage?

This will rot her brain.

It's child abuse. It's all about conformity.

Jason, Lason.

This is corporate media trying to indoctrinate kids' minds

before they have a chance to think for themselves.

Shit like this makes me wanna swallow a shotgun Kurt Cobain style.

- I said the exact same thing, Teresa said I need therapy.

- Therapy's good for other people,

not people like us who see through the bullshit.

JULIO: Yeah, for sure.

But I'm starting to wonder 'cause, uh,

you know, I got a lot of good things going on in my life right now

and, uh, I just don't feel anything.

Maybe I got a chemical imbalance or,

you know, I grew up without my dad, maybe that's something?

[laughing]

- You're gonna pay some PhD asshole $500 an hour

to learn you got daddy issues.

I'll save you some money, you got daddy issues.

So does everybody.

And dads have reasons for leaving.

Everybody knows that.

You need somebody to talk to, you talk to me.

I'm your friend. That's what friends are for, right?

- Yeah. Right.

- It's hot as balls in here.

I'm gonna go outside and hose myself down.

[door opens]

[door closes]

- [voice breaking] I feel for that fool Jason.

- I know how to break dance.

- No, you don't, Jason.

AUDIENCE: Aw.

- I'm sure Ashley has her reasons and everything

but doesn't mean that shit don't hurt.

- Hey, you think Payne is depressed?

- Not as depressed as me.

It basically feels like my heart is broken up

into, like, a million little pieces.

- That's literally heartbreak. You're just sad.

- You know, it makes sense you wouldn't understand me

'cause you're not depressed like me.

I need professional help.

Probably gonna put me on fuckin' meds and shit.

And if that doesn't work, I'm gonna need surgery.

JULIO: You don't know what you're talking about.

I'm the one that's depressed.

I'm mad about a kid's show.

I'm a constant spiral of negative thoughts

and I have insomnia.

- I have insomnia, too.

JULIO: Yeah, but you're hungry.

I have a loss of appetite.

If anybody needs professional help, it's me.

♪ theme song playing on TV ♪

- ♪ Are they gonna get back together? ♪

♪ It's almost sexual, but not quite yet ♪

♪ También humming John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪

♪ humming continues ♪

- Can you please stop humming that stupid song?

- What was I humming?

- John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

- [chuckles] Oh, weird.

I didn't even realize.

My mom used to sing that to me when I was a kid.

- Why are you doing the dishes anyway? It's my night.

- Because you hate doing them.

- Yeah, but now I owe you a favor.

[sighs]

- You don't owe me anything, babes.

Just your sweet love.

- What does that mean, that I owe you sex?

That is so manipulative.

- Uh-oh, sounds like you wanna fight.

- Can you stop it with the finger gun?

Just put them in your pockets!

- I'm sorry, I'm not trying to annoy you.

MAGGIE: I know you're not,

but I'm just being honest about how I feel.

I'm sure there's lots of things I do that annoy you.

You just never say anything.

- Nothing about you annoys me, baby cakes.

- There has to be something.

Please, just tell me one thing

that annoys you about me.

- Okay.

Fine.

You know how some people get that white gunk

that forms in the corner of their mouths when they talk?

- Yeah.

- Well...

you're one of those people.

But you don't have it right now,

but sometimes you do

and I'm just starting to worry you're not getting enough water.

God, that feels so good to get off my chest, thank you.

- Hold on, I just,

I wanna make sure I understand what you're talking about.

Just give me one second.

- White gunk like this? Is this what it looks like?

- Not really.

- I've been walking around with white gunk on my face

and you're just telling me now?

- I'm sorry. - What else do you hate about me?

- Nothing! - Do you hate it when I do this?

- Yeah?

- Good. See?

How hard was that?

- I think maybe we should talk to someone.

-[phone chimes] -[phone dings]

[line ringing]

MAN 1 [over phone]: Hello, how can I help you?

- Hi, uh, I'd like to make a therapy appointment.

MAN 1: Okay, what's the reason?

- Oh, I don't know.

I guess I just got to the point

where I really feel like I need to talk to someone.

MAN 1: Well, I can get you an appointment later this week.

I just need your health insurance information.

- Oh, uh, actually I don't have health insurance.

[line disconnects] Hello?

♪

WOMAN 1 [over phone]: I'm sorry, sir,

we're fully booked for the next few years.

- Wait, how is that possible?

WOMAN 1: We don't foresee parents

not messing up their kids anytime soon.

♪

JULIO: Who the fuck are these people?

Hi, I'd like to make a therapy appointment.

MAN 2 [over phone]: Sir, you sound broke.

- I guess I just reached the point where--

I guess I just reached the point where I feel like I really--

I feel like I really need to talk to someone.

Nice try, Sandy.

Fuck you.

Hey, I'd like to make a therapy appointment.

I'd like to make an appointment.

I'd like to make a therapy appointment.

MAN 3 [over phone]: I just need your health insurance information.

- Actually, I don't have insurance. Actually, I don't have insurance.

I don't have health insurance. Hello?

Hello?

WOMAN 2 [over phone]: We're a sliding scale.

You pay what you can, no insurance, no problem.

We're here for you, Julio.

- Oh, shit, for real? I'd like to make an appointment.

WOMAN 2: Great, our first available session is in six months.

How does that sound?

- Fuck it, I'll take it. WOMAN 2: That's great.

We'll contact you if anything opens up sooner.

MAGGIE: To be honest, a lot of the guys I've dated in the past

were depressed losers, but Julio's different.

He wants to build a future together

and he's never been mean to me ever.

He makes me feel safe.

But sometimes he annoys the hell out of me

and I feel like we can't resolve our issues

because he's always running away from fights

which pisses me off even more

but I know I probably shouldn't even be pissed off in the first place.

- Tell me about the sex.

- I'll take this one.

So, I'm a planner.

Maggie's all about spontaneity.

Sometimes she does stuff and I'm just like, "Whoa."

But I like how she forces me outta my comfort zone.

In my wildest dreams, I never imagined

that I'd be a member of the Mile High club

but there we were, consummating our marriage

in a tiny bathroom on the way back from Vegas.

[sighs]

But since then, things have really "cooled down in the sack."

- Yeah, because he wants Google Calendar to know every time we have sex.

- Well, the good news is the problems you're dealing with

are very common amongst young married couples.

You're starting a family together,

yet you each come from different families.

I've had the pleasure of knowing the También familia for many years.

Wonderful familia, rooted in the faith.

But I'm interested in knowing more about you, Maggie.

Why don't you tell me about your familia?

- Fine.

You wanna know about my familia?

My mom is a hoarder.

My dad is a drunk.

They fight all the time and we never went to church.

And for the record, I didn't want to talk to a priest.

FATHER LEO: I see.

Sounds like there was a lot of, uh, anger in your familia.

Must have been tough.

But I wonder if when you're annoyed at Julio,

you're really just angry at your parents.

- Oh, sure. Yeah.

Blame me for everything.

But the truth is Julio has his shit, too.

He's repressed. He doesn't even fucking curse.

And he's always humming the same stupid song

then he claims he doesn't even know he's doing it

like he's got a fucking tumor in his brain.

TAMBIÉN: Hmm.

FATHER LEO: What song is that?

TAMBIÉN: John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

- How does that go again?

- ♪ John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪

- ♪ His name is my name, too ♪

BOTH: ♪ Whenever we go out, the people always shout ♪

♪ There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪

♪ Da-da da-da-da-da-da ♪

♪ John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪

♪ His name is my name too, hey! ♪

♪ Jason and Ashley theme playing ♪

- ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

- Hey, Ashley.

[audience cheering]

- Jason?

What are you doing here?

We agreed to not be friends.

- I was just sort of wondering

if we could maybe un-agree to not be friends?

AUDIENCE: Aw.

- I don't want to be your friend, Jason.

AUDIENCE: Aw.

I want to be your girlfriend.

[audience applauding]

- But what about my best friend Lason

who you're already dating?

ASHLEY: I dumped his butt this morning.

Sure, he knows all the presidents

but he doesn't know any of the names of the First Ladies.

[scoffs]

- Of course, they got back together.

The show is called Ashley and Jason.

JASON: Does this mean you'll go to the dance with me, Ashley?

- That depends, Jason.

What's George Washington's wife's name?

- You mean Martha?

- [gasps] Oh, Jason.

You're still the same man... - God.

- ...I fell in love with in kindergarten.

- You're right, Julio, the show's stupid.

I'm gonna stop watching it.

♪ Ashley and Jason theme playing on TV ♪

- Maybe it's just this episode you don't like.

You love Ashley and Jason.

- Not anymore. [turns TV off]

- Well, I like it, so I'm gonna keep watching.

♪ theme song playing on TV ♪

- Fine, watch it then, it just means you're stupid.

- Hey, don't talk to me like that.

You know what? Go to your room.

- I was going there already anyways.

God.

ASHLEY: ...get back together,

you need to name the other 44 First Ladies.

- No sweat.

Abigail Adams, Eleanor Roosevelt, Nancy Reagan.

- Are you fucking happy now?

- What? She's just developing better taste in TV.

You should be proud of her.

- She's just copying what she heard you say, idiot.

- It's just a stupid TV show. It's not a big deal.

- It is a big deal.

I don't want Aurora to be all fucked up.

[sighs]

- Okay.

I'm sorry.

You're right.

You know what? I took your advice, I made a therapy appointment.

- It doesn't matter, it's too late. - What?

- You're already fucking up my kid.

Me and Aurora don't have time to wait for you to get better.

- Well, then what do you want from me?

- I guess I don't want anything anymore.

I'm really sorry, but... we're done.

- Seriously, over a dumb TV show?

- Over your depressed ass fucking up my kid.

- Well, fuck you then, get your stank ass outta here.

- This is my place, idiot.

- Oh, yeah, my bad.

I guess I'll get my stank ass outta here.

- Last but not least, the great Jill Biden.

[door opens] - Wait a sec.

- You forgot Abigail Fillmore. [door closes]

That's it. We're breaking up!

You're just as bad as Lason.

TERESA: Stupid fucking show.

♪ Sabor A Mi by El Chicano playing ♪

♪

♪

♪ singing in Spanish ♪

♪

- Hey, what's up, fool?

♪

Damn, you alright?

♪

- I think I've hit a new level of depression.

[phone trills]

My heart's not broken anymore.

My heart is now burning.

It honestly feels like it's on fire.

[Luis belches]

- You know what? I was wrong.

You really are depressed.

You need professional help, playboy.

- You think so? - Yeah, nothing's wrong with your heart.

It's your broken-ass brain.

Hey, do you want my therapy appointment?

It's tomorrow, just say your name is Julio Lopez.

- Alright, thank you.

♪

Hey, you want some pizza?

- Nah, I'm not hungry.

[fan blades rattling]

♪

[rattling intensifies]

[sighs]

- Hey.

I'm doing the dishes tonight.

- Okay.

I won't fight you.

Hey, we got a Labor Day card from my mom.

"To my wonderful mijo."

"Every Labor Day, I think of the labor

"I went through to give birth to you.

"It wasn't any labor at all, it was all love.

"Happy Labor Day, my perfect son.

"X-O-X-O-X-O-X-O.

"And love to my perfect daughter-in-law Maggie.

X-O-X-O."

- Aw.

That is so sweet.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - Wow.

- Whoa, what are you doing?

You know all of Mombien También's cards go on the fridge.

[chuckles]

- You're a fucking hoarder.

- What? - Look at our fridge.

One advantage of having fucked-up parents

is that you recognize signs of mental illness.

There is something going on with these cards.

If we had gone to a real therapist instead of some old-ass priest,

maybe they'd get to the bottom of what's wrong with you

and your fucked-up mom.

- Hey, nobody talks about Mombien También that way.

- Mombien También

is a cunt.

[gasps]

- You shouldn't have said that.

- Then do something about it.

Call me a cunt.

- I'm not gonna do that.

- I'm your wife, shouldn't you honor my requests?

It's in the Bible, right?

- I think this would be best discussed with Father Leo.

- You're so repressed, you can't even fucking curse.

- Oh, I can too freaking curse.

- Prove it then. Call me a cunt.

- No, that word is offensive to women.

- Quit being a pussy and call me a cunt!

♪

[groans uncomfortably]

Fine. You know what?

It's not your fault you can't call me a cunt.

It's your cunt mom's fault.

And probably your cunt dad's fault, too.

♪ eerie vocalizing ♪

♪

[splats] [gasps]

- My parents are not cunts.

You're the only cunt here, you... cunt!

Take this, my cunt wife.

♪ Ain't It True by Andy Williams playing ♪

[grunts]

♪

- ♪ My poor heart was almost torn apart ♪

♪ Because you played a part ♪

♪ You thought that you were smart, and now you're gone ♪

♪ Gone, gone, girl ♪

♪ Are you glad you treated me so bad? ♪

♪ You took the love I had and left me blue and sad ♪

♪ But I'll go on, on, on, girl ♪

♪

♪ And I will forgive you ♪

♪ Here's what I'll say ♪

♪ On that final day, they lay you away ♪

♪ There was never another like you ♪

- That... was... wild!

I love you so fucking much.

Even if you are a cunt.

[Maggie giggling] Hey, babe.

Give me a drag of that cig. - Uh-oh.

I've created a bad boy.

Don't tell Mombien También unless it's national smoking day.

Then she'll send you a fucking card telling you

how proud she is.

- That stupid bitch Mombien También never let me do anything fun.

- Mm-mmm.

- No smoking, no cursing

and definitely no jumping on the bed.

She always told me to be extra careful.

Fuck being careful!

Hey, you know what?

Fuck my big dumb cunt mom!

[gasps] [También grunts]

- Are you okay?

[screaming]

- Look what you did!

You fucking temptress!

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

[También crying]

TAMBIÉN: You're just like Eve, the original cunt.

- ♪ John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪

♪ His name is my name, too ♪

♪ Whenever we go out, the people always shout ♪

[siren wailing]

♪ There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪

[wailing continues]

CHORUS: ♪ John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪

♪ His name is my name, too ♪

♪ Whenever we go out, the people always shout ♪

♪ There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪

♪ John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪

♪ His name is my name, too ♪

♪ Whenever we go out, the people always shout ♪

♪ There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪

♪

♪ John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪

♪ His name is my name, too ♪

♪ Whenever we go out, the people always shout ♪

♪ There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪

♪