Original subtitles

CHLOE: Oh, God, this icing is too runny.

It's too runny. It's too runny, isn't it? [sighs]

I'm just so stressed, I'm sweating through my apron.

God, I'm such a pig.

- Will you please just shut up? I can't concentrate.

- I'm sorry. It's just, I wanna impress him.

Man. Oh, my hands, I'm shaking.

I'm shaking and I feel nauseous.

Do you feel nauseous? - Not nauseous.

Aroused.

Lately, my anxiety has morphed into something different.

Something... sexual.

♪

[sighs]

♪

[clinking glass]

- Shut... the fuck... up.

♪

What do we have here?

- Uh, lemon blueberry macaroon with lavender cream filling, sir.

♪

- I have one word for you:

No.

♪

- Raspberry cream eclair infused with rose.

♪

- I have two words for you:

[spits] Fuck you.

♪

A cupcake, I see.

Somebody must be feeling themselves today.

Let's see what you got here, Mary.

♪

Mm!

Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

Mm-mm-mm.

Now that is absolutely... perfect.

[gasps, sighs]

But does it float?

♪

The cupcakes here must float, Mary.

So why am I looking at this cupcake chillin' at the bottom of the ocean

like it's the goddamn Titanic?

- [softly] Oh...

CHEF PERCY: Get it together, Mary, or I will cut you loose.

FRANCIS: Excuse me, Chef?

Two shady guys are here to see you.

- Bring 'em in.

Maybe they're somebody who can teach y'all

how to make a suitable fuckin' pastry.

Hey!

What the fuck are you two doing here?

- What's up, Chef Percy, how you been?

- I'm good, I'm good, I'm good. How are you? What's up?

Julio, man, you look good, man.

What's up? - I'm good, I'm good.

- Damn, Chef Percy, you're not gonna ask me how I'm doing?

- Listen, man, I ain't got no damn time for all that damn chit-chat now.

I'm over here making people great. What the fuck y'all want?

- Alright, alright. Here's the thing.

Me and Luis, we're gonna open up a café.

- Yeah, like Starbucks, but better.

And we're not gonna have no bathroom code.

Actually, uh, maybe we should have one.

- Yeah, but we need a badass culinary artist, like yourself,

to run the kitchen.

LUIS: You're a beast in the kitchen.

JULIO: We got the perfect location.

It's a spot in the hood. We're all set up.

- Dawg, location is everything.

JULIO: And it's gonna be like Hugs Not Thugs.

We're gonna hire and train ex-felons, and check this out,

we're gonna call it Mugs Not Thugs.

- Ooh! Damn, that's a clean-ass name, huh?

- So what's up? You ready to roll?

- Abso-fucking-lutely not.

I got a beautiful thing going on here.

I make six figures a year, I got healthcare,

the people here fear me

and secretly wanna have sex with me.

Ain't shit in the world you could say to convince me to give all that up.

- Oh. Come on, dawg. Please!

- Fuck it, you've convinced me.

♪ theme music playing ♪

♪

- The fuck?

This ain't a café, this is a fuckin' crime scene.

Look, there's blood right there on the ground.

There's code violations everywhere.

- Yeah, I mean, we're still tryin' to figure out

how to get the repairs done and everything.

- I thought you said you had a plan, man.

Is this place even zoned properly?

- Of course, it is.

Or actually-- I-I don't know.

- Hey, hey, but don't worry, we're gonna handle it right now.

Alright, I brought my measuring tape and everything.

- Ooh-ho!

- Man, I left my whole fuckin' life for this shit, man.

I had a 401k. You finna give me a 401k?

JULIO: Of course, I am.

What-what's a 401k?

Oh! - Hey, shit! Shit!

Chill, chill, homey. Chill, chill.

Hey, homey. Hey. [panting]

JULIO: Breathe!

- Come on. Be strong. Be strong. Stay strong, homey.

[Chef Percy breathing heavily]

[sighs deeply]

- Didn't you do business shit at Hugs Not Thugs?

- I mean, not really.

Minister Payne always handled that.

- Then fuckin' call that bitch. We need him.

- You don't think I tried? He fuckin' disappeared.

His phone's dead, his emails keep bouncing back.

- Dawg, I had to learn what a mailer daemon is.

- Well, have you tried Googling him?

- Alright, let's see here.

- Damn, y'all live in a garage?

This shit is sad.

I got a garage. You know who live in there? A car.

Not two Mexicans.

- Nothing's showing up. [Luis sighs]

- Why won't you type in "Minister Payne Big Ass Donkey Dick"?

[keys clacking]

- Dawg, that was a great idea. - What?

LUIS: Damn, Minister Payne has an OnlyFans?

Psst. I'm jealous.

He's probably in there boning hot ladies and shit. Boom.

- Nah, looks like he mostly just jerks off.

LUIS: Hmm.

- Damn, we need an account to log in.

- Oh. We can use mine.

- Or you could use mine.

- I'll just use mine.

LUIS: How we gonna talk to this kinky-ass fool?

- There's a live chat option.

- How much do it cost?

♪ Cyberwarfare by Soryu playing ♪

♪

MINISTER PAYNE [over laptop]: Are you pervs ready

to see a salami so big it's destroyed lives, including my own?

Well, look no further, and get ready

to feel the Pa-a-ayne!

♪

- Oh. CHEF PERCY: No.

JULIO: Ooh. Whoa, who, whoa, whoa!

- No, no, no, no, no! CHEF PERCY: Chill, chill, chill.

- Payne. It's-it's me, Julio.

- Julio?

[music stops]

What are you doing on my OnlyFans?

- Alright, alright, here's the thing.

Me, Luis, and Chef Percy, we're opening up a café

and it's gonna be just like Hugs Not Thugs.

But this time, we got money.

- Yeah, homey, we got feria.

- Did you two rob a fuckin' bank?

- Luis and I are gonna run shit, Chef Percy's gonna be the chef,

but we need you.

You're the one who knows how to start a business,

do all that zoning shit.

Plus, it just wouldn't feel right to do this without you.

So what do you say?

You ready to make the prison industrial complex

suck our dicks again?

- Look, guys, I appreciate you thinking of me,

but I'm done with helping people.

I wish you guys all the best

but, uh, this is not something I wanna be a part of.

- Come on, dawg, please!

- No.

- No?

Fuck, that's what I should have said, no.

- I got a new life going, and I'm finally at peace.

So, please, let it be.

And don't come looking for me.

- So that's it, huh?

- Nah, I know that fool.

He's just playing hard to get.

- Okay, but we don't even know where he is.

- Hold up.

Check this out.

LUIS: What the fuck?

Cum diaper?

Dawg, what the fuck you doing?

- Trust me.

♪ Cyberwarfare by Soryu ♪

♪

Return address, bitch.

♪

That fool's out in the desert. It's like three hours away.

CHEF PERCY [over phone]: Ah, shit, that's drivable.

- So you down to drive us out there?

CHEF PERCY: Nah, you fuckin' drive.

- Come on, dawg, please?

CHEF PERCY: A'ight, fuck it, I'll do it.

Man, my van should be able to-- Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Fuck! Why do I keep on saying yes to everything?

♪

♪

- Aw, hell no, man.

This is some Hills Have Eyes shit.

[camera shutter clicks]

- Dawg, what the fuck are you doing?

- Ruby's been showing me all these pics from when she travels.

This ain't Copenhagen,

but I wanna show her I've seen some shit, too.

[camera shutter clicks]

- Yo, man, something don't feel right about this place.

♪

Creepy-ass little tiny home.

♪

JULIO: Well, I think we found it.

LUIS: Damn, Payne really doubled down

on the giant dick thing, huh?

[camera shutter clicking]

MINISTER PAYNE: How are my little peppers doing today?

You're growing up big and strong and spicy.

You're daddy's spicy boys,

and daddy loves you. JULIO: Payne?

[sighs]

- I told you not to look for me.

- I thought you were playing hard to get.

[sighs]

- Alright. Come on in.

[sniffles]

♪

[shutter clicks]

♪

Cashew nuts. - Sure.

- Uh, I only have, uh, one mug to drink out of.

I'm trying to live more simply.

It's easier that way.

See, out here, you don't need material possessions

weighing you down.

LUIS: Damn, Payne.

You eat like a squirrel.

- Aha. Well, the squirrels got it right.

You see, the raw cashew is nature's most perfect food.

All the nutrients your body needs are right here.

You have fat, you have fiber, you have protein,

you have iron, you have zinc, magnesium,

manganese, phosphorus, it's all right here.

- It's alright there, huh? MINISTER PAYNE: Mm-hmm.

- Look, I know you said you didn't wanna help us with the café

but before you make up your mind, I wanted you to see this.

The Payne I remember was a fighter.

You don't belong out here in the desert,

eating cashews, not doing shit.

Here's your chance to do great things again.

So what do you say?

[Minister Payne sighs]

- I appreciate what you guys are trying to do

and, uh, yes, there was a time when, indeed,

I thought my purpose in life was to help others

fight an unjust system, but I was wrong.

And now I know the only thing I have to offer this world

is the giant sweet potato between my knees.

And I'm okay with that.

I've found my place out here in the desert.

♪

There's a, there's a, uh, tranquil energy and a frequency

that I've tuned into.

You can, if you listen, you can hear it.

[gunshot]

LUIS: Holy shit. - Oh, Lord.

[gunshots] JULIO: What the fuck?

[cocks rifle] CHEF PERCY: Oh, shit!

[gunshot] - What the fuck?

[cocks rifle]

- Kirk, stop.

- I told you, take down those giant cocks!

I don't like looking at 'em.

- That is art!

- I'm getting some bomb-ass photos right now.

- The fuck is going on?

- What's going on is I'm about to doo-doo myself

and I didn't bring no extra pants.

[indistinct chatter in distance]

Guess I could use one of these diapers right here.

[yelling continues]

What size are these?

[gunshots]

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ceasefire.

- Truce? - Truce.

You coming tonight?

- Wouldn't miss it for the world.

- You better bring those peppers.

- They'll make you shit blood.

- Looking forward to it.

Alright, just back away.

Nice and slow.

[chuckles softly]

See you later.

- Sorry, guys.

- The fuck?

MINISTER PAYNE: My neighbor Kirk. Good guy.

Hey, y'all wanna stay for the hootenanny tonight?

- Well, shit, they got a Hooters out here?

- Fuck a hootenanny, fuck these cashews,

I'm getting the fuck outta here.

- But we just got here.

- Look, goddammit, Payne said no and that's that.

Now if you wanna walk your ass back to LA, you can do that.

If these psychos don't kill your ass first.

- Fuck. CHEF PERCY: Come on, man, let's go.

Bye, Mr. Minister Payne.

- Hey. You didn't tell me you had company.

This is great, you guys can stay for the hootenanny

and be the guests of honor.

- Nah. Sorry, we gotta go.

What the fuck? CHEF PERCY: What the fuck?

- Man. - Looks like someone shot out your tire.

That's too bad.

Well, the good news is you can,

you can now stick around for the hootenanny.

- I got a spare, bitch.

[gunshot]

[yells]

- I'm sorry about that. - Fuck!

- Listen, I'll get you new tires Monday morning.

But by then, you might not wanna leave.

'Cause the hootenanny

has a way of changing people.

♪ Western music playing ♪

[heavy breathing]

♪

- Breathe. Just breathe.

- Deep breaths. - You alright?

- Deep breaths. [Chef Percy inhales deeply]

♪ folk music playing ♪

♪

[indistinct conversations]

♪

- Damn, this shit looks good. [camera shutter clicks]

- Everyone here grows something to contribute to the flavor.

No one here has much to give,

but what we do have, we share with each other.

That's what I love about this place, you see.

Money never changes hands here because we don't need it.

- You sound like a fuckin' burnout.

- Yeah, I burned out.

And that's why I'm here.

♪

- Man, Ruby would love this exotic shit.

I should have them wrap up some leftovers to take back to her.

- Man, don't eat that shit.

They're tryin' to poison our asses so they can eat us later.

- But if they were gonna eat us, then why would they poison us?

You know what I mean? 'Cause then, when they eat us,

they would be poisoning themselves.

Plus, they're already all eating the stew already,

so how could they-- CHEF PERCY: Shut up, man.

You know what the fuck I'm tryin' to say.

They crazy.

♪

[indistinct conversations]

- ♪ There's a dark and a troubled side of life ♪

♪ There's a bright and a sunny side, too ♪

♪ Though we meet... ♪ - You know what?

I don't even know why I came out here.

You don't give a shit anymore.

You're acting fuckin' brainwashed,

singing along to a campfire song with these fuckin' creeps?

What happened to the old Payne?

- I've let all that anger go and I've moved on.

Well, besides, with OnlyFans, I come, like, 12 times a day,

and it's-it's really hard to feel rage when you're that tapped out.

- Fuck that.

You're just running away from your problems like a coward.

- I understand why you're mad, Julio.

Hugs Not Thugs meant a lot to me, too.

But now it's gone, and I've grieved for long enough.

I'm not running away, I'm moving on,

and you should try it, too.

- ♪ It will help us every day ♪

KIRK: Hey, check it out.

It ain't every day that I bust out that special jerky,

but you guys are the men of honor.

- Oh, hell, yeah. Local cuisine.

- Yeah, I'm good, man.

- Come on, give it a try.

- I-I'm good, man. Thank you.

- Uh, just give it a little taste. Go on.

- I said no! ♪ dramatic music plays ♪

Look, man, I don't know what you hillbillies' exact plan is

but I know one thing, I don't wanna eat your fuckin' jerky.

I'm tired of saying yes to everything.

Fuck!

KIRK: It's alright, just breathe.

Calm down, you... you can talk to me.

- I don't wanna fuckin' talk to you, man.

I don't fuckin' know you.

MINISTER PAYNE: Chef, Chef, it's me, it's Payne.

Trust me.

Everything's gonna be okay.

You can talk to us.

When did you start saying yes to everything?

- Okay, when I was 12

my best friend asked me to catch licks with him, right?

And I said yes.

And-and then they asked me if I wanted to join a gang

and then I said yeah to that

even though all I ever wanted to do was fuckin' go to art school.

And then at the altar when they asked me

if I wanted to take this woman to be my fuckin' wife,

I said yeah to that.

I barely even fuckin' knew that bitch.

And then I say yes to these fools

and now I'ma sit up here and die in the fuckin' desert!

- Why is it you find yourself saying yes to everything?

- I don't know, man.

Maybe it's 'cause I grew up in the hood where I didn't have a lot of options,

so I had to say yes to everything in order to survive.

Man, I done hurt a lot of people 'cause of the shit I say yes to.

- Chef Percy, the whole reason people come out here

is to let go of who they were.

- Yeah, like a snake shedding its skin.

- You need to find your shame and then let it out.

- Like this.

[screams]

[screams]

[screaming]

♪

[screaming continues]

♪

[sighs]

♪

- Thank you. - No, thank you.

This is why I came out here.

But now, it is time to party.

[Kirk screams]

[crowd cheering]

♪ folk music playing ♪

♪

♪

- There's some good vibrations out here, boy.

Deeeeh!

I'ma miss this place.

- Well, you guys are more than welcome to crash for a few more days if you like.

- Nah, we have to go home.

We have work to do.

[car engine roaring]

- Chef Percy,

last night when you forgave yourself,

you inspired me to forgive myself, too.

You know, when I first got this car,

I had the choice of any color I could get

and I picked red.

I should've picked yellow.

That decision haunts me to this day.

And that's why I'd like you to have it.

♪

CHEF PERCY: Kirk, you're giving me a Ferrari?

Kirk.

Oh, thank you, man.

Yo! [laughs]

- Where'd you get that?

- I bought it with money.

- What money?

You live in a shack, you don't even have a front door.

- Well, when I'm here.

The rest of the year I'm... in the Cayman Islands

or Martha's Vineyard, Manhattan.

- Martha's Vineyard?

- You're rich?

- Yeah, aren't you?

- No, I lost everything. That's why I'm here.

I'm very poor.

This place is for people who have nothing.

- No, this is a place for rich people.

We're all billionaires, everyone here's a billionaire.

♪ tense music plays ♪

- How the fuck are you a billionaire?

- I invented fentanyl.

- Dawg. - Dawg.

KIRK: I know. Sorry.

Not sorry.

Listen, Payne, when you have everything,

you vacation by pretending you have nothing.

That way you appreciate all the power, money,

yachts, planes, children that you have.

But you're... you're really... a real-life poor person?

- That's it.

♪ rock music playing ♪

Six months.

Six months I've been in this shit hole.

I gave those bitches my peppers.

Fucking desert!

The fuck do people live out here for?

Walking around every day with sand up my ass!

There's no fuckin' water out here.

That's why water is gonna be $100 a bottle.

They pollute the water then they sell it to you.

Sunny side, my balls.

Motherfuck!

♪

Let's get the fuck outta here.

♪

- Hey, Payne, you're just gonna leave all your sculptures?

♪ We're Coming Back by Cock Sparrer playing ♪

- ♪ We're coming back ♪

♪ We're coming back ♪

♪ We're coming back to you ♪

♪ We're never gonna go away again ♪

MINISTER PAYNE [mouth full]: Goddamn, that is good.

I can't believe I was living off of fuckin' cashews.

You know, I really lost my mind out there.

I was talking to peppers all day long.

- Hey. You're gonna love this spot we got for the café.

It's close to where Hugs Not Thugs was.

- That's great. But, listen, this time, we're making money, okay?

Because I am sick and tired of everybody having money except me.

I've got a new philosophy, "fuck you, pay us."

- Cheers to that.

- Ey, Payne, so how much money you making on your OnlyFans?

- Oh, oh, quite a bit actually,

but, you know, I have a lot of overhead.

Diapers, underwear, lube, shipping costs, licensing music.

You know, everybody gets their cut.

I got this one lady, she's always requesting all these costumes.

I mean, you saw it, I put on a whole show, you know.

- Damn. You a whole-ass enterprise, huh?

- Well, you know, they say love what you do,

you never work a day in your life.

[all laugh] Yeah.

LUIS: Oh, Payne, hey, we were talking about

whether or not to have bathroom codes at the café

and we're leaning towards yes.

MINISTER PAYNE: You gotta have bathroom codes.

Human beings are animals.

JULIO: Hell, yeah.

♪

- ♪ We're coming back ♪

♪ We're coming back ♪

♪ We're coming back to you ♪

♪ We're never gonna go away again ♪

♪ Hold on a little longer ♪

♪ Try a little harder ♪

♪ Till we're arm in arm together to the end ♪

♪

♪ So remember, out there somewhere ♪

♪ You've got a friend ♪

♪ And you'll never walk alone again ♪

♪