Original subtitles

♪ dramatic techno music playing ♪

♪

JULIO: It's Ruby! She's the one texting us!

SONNY: Everyone on the fucking ground!

LUIS: I can be your hero, baby.

JULIO: Ask for a plane.

LUIS: I'm not that little, homey!

JULIO: Shut up, bitch.

SERGEANT: New York City, the Big Apple!

JULIO: Sonny, behind you. The gun.

♪

♪

- You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Playing with our emotions like that.

You know what? When the pizza comes,

me and Sonny are gonna eat it all.

No pizza for you.

FARHAD: You're never going to get a pizza or plane.

You're going to die on an empty stomach.

- Shut the fuck up.

And you.

How the fuck did you do that shit with our phones?

- I saw you fuckin' idiots whining about your exes,

so I went into your contacts

and changed their numbers to my number,

and texted you a bunch of fake-ass bullshit.

- How'd you know our passwords?

- Every dude's password is the same.

Zero, zero, zero, zero.

[sirens wailing in distance]

- Fuck.

Well, for the record,

I do have a big-ass dick.

- Yeah, me, too. That's why I fell for it.

- If you guys really had big dicks,

your women wouldn't have left you for better men.

- So you wanna see it, huh?

Is that what it's gonna take to prove it to you? Alright.

- Dawg, don't take your dick out.

You don't need his approval.

We know what we got.

SONNY: Yeah, you're right.

Hey, let's block the fuckin' doors so these assholes don't try to escape.

- Oh, my God. Men who think they have big dicks are ruining the world.

- Wait, so,

you think I'm ruining the world?

- No.

- Oh, so now I have a small dick?

- Luis, goddamn.

♪ theme music playing ♪

♪

♪

♪ dramatic music plays on TV ♪

NEWSCASTER 1 [on TV]: As the chase continues into the night,

the authorities have been able to identify

the alleged bank robbers as Erika Sanchez and Ernie Alvarez.

NEWSCASTER 2 [on TV]: But who gives a hoot about their real names?

We're calling this couple...

NEWSCASTERS: Bonnie and Clyde.

NEWSCASTER 1: Move over, Romeo and Juliet.

There's new star-crossed lovers in town.

[phone buzzing] NEWSCASTER 2: People are on the side

of the highway with signs...

- Hello? ESPERANZA [over phone]: Julio.

Uh...

Hey, how do you guys say "hostage" in Spanish?

- I don't fuckin' know.

- I don't know.

- Uh--

[Julio speaking Spanish]

[helicopter blades whirring]

[continues speaking Spanish]

- Ouch, hey. Get the fuck off me.

LUIS: Fuck, I can't, dawg.

Just give me a second, alright?

I need to talk to her.

Hey. [whistles]

Ruby?

I was just thinking how, like,

this whole situation is pretty traumatic, huh?

- Uh-huh.

LUIS: So, you know they say that

traumatic situations like this,

they bring people closer together and shit.

So, this whole thing's kinda

taking our relationship to the next level,

whether either of us like it or not.

But for the record,

I kinda like it.

- Can you just please fuckin' drop it?

I'm not in the mood to talk about this shit with you right now.

- Well, I am in the mood to talk about it right now.

Why don't you wanna be my lady?

- Alright, you wanna talk about it? Let's talk about it.

One, you ain't got a job.

That's a problem for me.

My ex-husband didn't work, and it fucked us up.

And two, and I know this sounds messed up,

but when you weren't able to take Sonny down,

it was kind of a turnoff for me.

- Are you fuckin' serious?

You're coming at me like that right now?

Well, fuck you then.

[scoffs]

FARHAD: Get off of me. [Luis groans]

- Fuck.

- Hello?

[rattles]

SONNY: That's it.

I can't hold it anymore, dawg.

I gotta take a fuckin' piss.

JULIO: Oh, it's cool.

I'll look after the hostages while you take a leak.

Uh, just give me one of the guns.

- [chuckles] Yeah, I mean, I trust you,

but not that much.

Oh, come on, big dawg.

We're here already, at the toilet.

Let's do some work.

Do your thing, come on.

[sighs] Please.

- [whispering] Look, hey, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have said that shit earlier.

- Well, you know what? Just to clarify, he didn't beat my ass, alright?

Doesn't even matter anyway 'cause we're broken up now.

Now you're just some random hyna I'm in a hostage situation with.

- Oh, yeah, well, we can't break up if we were never together, stupid ass.

- Goddammit, both of you shut the fuck up.

Can't even fuckin' concentrate.

[sighs]

Fuck, now it's too quiet.

It's like everybody's sitting around waiting for me to go or something.

[Ruby sighs] It's making me nervous.

Like, hum a song or some shit.

- What song?

- I don't give fuck, anything.

Start singing!

Or I'm gonna fuckin' shoot somebody.

- ♪ Oh, say can you see ♪

SONNY: Everybody, everybody. Everybody sing.

[all singing] ♪ By the dawn's early light ♪

SONNY: Oh, here we go.

- ♪ What so proudly-- ♪ [grunting]

- Oh, ho, ho, ho! [urinating]

Oh, gah, thank God.

- ♪ And we're inside the bathroom ♪

- ♪ An American ♪

- ♪ Come and rescue us, please ♪

♪ vocalizes ♪

LUIS: ♪ To celebrate, we sing ♪

♪ all singing off-key ♪

- Oh, my God.

Thank you.

[siren wails]

♪ upbeat whimsical music playing ♪

♪

[helicopter blades whirring]

- Thirty minutes on the dot.

Look at you guys.

[chuckles] Thank you, sweetheart.

Hey, Rookie.

Tip the nice delivery person.

And don't be cheap.

ROOKIE: Here you go, um--

Just take it all. Thank you.

SERGEANT: Alright.

Dig in, everybody.

- Hey, hey, hey, what the hell? Those are for the hostages.

- Let us worry about the pizza, Rook.

- What if it was your son or daughter in there?

♪ melancholic music playing ♪

Would you still be stuffing your faces with pizza?

It's our job to serve and protect

the people of this city.

♪

[indistinct radio chatter]

SERGEANT: Wow.

You know, sometimes it's the young guys on the force

who remind us old farts what we're doing all this for.

You're absolutely right.

They wanted pizza.

So we're gonna give 'em pizza.

Right?

♪ uplifting patriotic music playing ♪

And I know the perfect guy to deliver it.

Uh-oh. [laughs]

Wink.

It's you.

Come on, don't be afraid.

If you don't get shot, maybe he'll tip you.

He's got a lot of money. Robbed a bank.

[siren wailing]

- Oh, fuck, yeah!

Pizza's here, dawg. - Oh, fuck, yeah.

See, I told you, fuckin' haters.

The plan's working. We're getting that plane.

And then we're getting our asses to Costa Rica.

- Hey, help me with this shit.

JULIO: Yeah, yeah.

- Hey, we got your pizza out here.

Approved by a real-life New Yorker,

so you know it's good.

Come on out and get it.

Oh!

♪

- Hey, you jokers want your pizza or not?

- Julio, check the box. Make sure they're not trying anything.

♪

- It's real pizza.

- Alright, now where's my plane?

- Plane?

What plane?

- The fuck do you mean, "What plane?"

I said I wanted a plane and a pizza.

♪

- Uh-oh!

A plane and a pizza.

Stugotz, I thought you meant you wanted a "plain pizza."

You know, like with no toppings.

So that's all I got you.

Plain... pizza.

- Are you fucking with me right now?

SERGEANT: No, no, no, honest mistake.

Maybe it's the, uh, jet-lag

from when I took the red-eye here

from the greatest city in the world,

the Big Apple.

- Hey, I want my fucking plane.

- Well, that's gonna take a minute over here, right?

I mean, what kinda plane do you want?

You want like a big plane, small plane?

A fighter jet, like in Top Gun?

[screams]

- Stop fucking with me!

[cocks rifle]

♪

You either give me what I want,

or I'll fucking kill everybody in here!

Stop testing me!

I have nothing left to live for!

♪

Get the fuck inside, Julio.

- Well... well, do you still want the pizza?

♪

- No. Dump it on that fuckin' cop's head.

- Hey, just go ahead and do it.

♪

SERGEANT: Ohh!

[officers laughing]

[helicopter blades whirring]

Good job, Rook.

[chuckles]

You know, you really made the best out of a greasy situation.

- You're gonna get those people killed.

SERGEANT: You motherfucker.

You are outta here!

You don't deserve OT.

You're off the clock.

Now go home.

♪

♪

- They're fuckin' with us, dawg.

♪

[sighs] I'm afraid we're not gonna get that plane, man.

I mean, fuck, how could they even get a plane down here anyway?

- Dawg, remember a few years back

when they took the space shuttle through the hood?

- Oh, yeah, huh?

Fuck, we shoulda asked for one of those.

- A space shuttle?

Nah, dawg.

We're going to Costa Rica, not Mars.

LUIS: You know, my whole life people have underestimated me

'cause I'm short.

Even when I joined my old hood, you know,

I wanted them to call me "Villain."

But they all just called me "Shorty."

But for real though,

all this adversity just made me stronger.

♪

That's why I know how to fight and fuck so good.

♪

But never at the same time.

- Trust me, we played it just right.

Just stick to the plan.

We're gonna get that plane.

FARHAD: Idiots.

You think they're going to bring an airplane

to a bum in a liquor store?

Really?

You are fucked, my friend.

Your life is over.

And you have only yourself and that dumb shit Julio to blame.

And you two.

I've had to listen to you bicker all day.

I am tired of this fucking city.

Every day, people come into my store disrespecting me

by calling me "Muhammad."

My name is Farhad.

Far-had!

But I promise you all this,

if I don't die today,

I'm going to abandon this fucking store

and move back to Iran.

- Muhammad's right. I'm fucked.

Why'd I ever listen to you?

- Don't fuckin' listen to him.

He's trying to pit us against each other.

Dawg, we're Clyde and Clyde.

Our ladies betrayed us, but we're gonna get out of here together.

- Man, shut up.

You broke up with Maggie six months ago.

SONNY: Wait, what?

Hold on, you broke up with her? LUIS: Yeah.

And believe me, it was for the best.

- Shut up, Luis. - Hold up, hold up.

This whole fucking time, I thought that we were in the same boat.

That both of our ladies left us.

But your Bonnie isn't even a fuckin' Bonnie.

- Don't fuckin' listen to him.

You and me, we're in the exact same situation.

- Don't you fucking ever

compare your life to mine.

My ass is going back to prison.

You still got shit to fuckin' live for.

- If you say so.

- Oh, oh, you ain't got nothing to live for anymore?

Cool, I'll just fuckin' end your shit now. - No, no, no, no!

SONNY: Oh, ohh. JULIO: No, no, please.

- Now you got something to live for, huh?

Alright, what is it?

- I don't know. - Wrong answer, motherfucker.

You got fuckin' five seconds. - No.

SONNY: Gun to your head, playboy.

What do you want to do with your life?

- Coffee!

- What about coffee?

- Uh, I love it.

SONNY: What do you love about it?

- It tastes good. It-it's a great way to start your morning.

- Okay. Ever think about opening up your own café?

- Uh, yeah, I talked about it at, at-- once.

- Then why didn't you do it? - Dawg, I'm fuckin' broke.

- Guess what, motherfucker?

I got a whole bag of money right there.

Convince me to invest in your café.

- Alright. Um, the coffee's gonna be like, it's gonna be really good.

- Boom!

There are a million fucking good cups of coffee

in this city, vato.

A million!

You need a fuckin' hook.

Two seconds.

- Oh. Oh, shit, you know what?

I used to work with ex-felons.

I-I can hire them.

- Okay? - Yeah.

- Noble route. - Mm-hmm.

- You could market yourself as like doing some shit for the community.

- Yup.

- Hey. I'm an ex-felon, and I need a jale.

- Look at that.

You just hired your first fuckin' employee.

- Great, he's hired. He's hired.

- Hey, hey.

But he can't be my boss and shit. We need to be like partners.

Make him agree to that shit right now.

- You cool with that?

- Okay.

- Fuck, yeah.

Hey. Guess who's not unemployed anymore?

- That's a start.

SONNY: Wow, look at that.

All you need now is a location. JULIO: Mm-hm.

- This motherfucker says he wants to give up his shop. Isn't that right?

- Yeah, sure. SONNY: So what do you say?

You gonna sell Julio your lease?

- Whatever.

- Congratu-fuck-alations, Julio. Boom!

You have a reason to live.

You're gonna open up a fuckin' coffee shop.

- Yeah, thank you.

[panting]

[helicopter blades whirring]

SONNY: [groans] So, this

oughta cover the lease.

And this should get you started on your café.

- Thank you, Sonny.

SONNY: Hey.

You better fuckin' write me while I'm in prison.

- Yeah, I'm gonna write you all the time.

LUIS: That fool told me the same thing.

Never wrote me shit.

- Oh, shit. Hey, it's Erika. Move, move, move.

NEWSCASTER 1 [on TV]: The car is coming to a halt.

The police are surrounding them.

This adventure could be coming to an end.

NEWSCASTER 2: Oh, I'm not ready.

NEWSCASTER 1: Bonnie and Clyde have now exited the vehicle.

They're fleeing on foot.

SONNY: Look at these fools.

NEWSCASTER 2: But, wait, they've stopped.

NEWSCASTER 1: It looks like Clyde is... NEWSCASTER 2: Oh.

NEWSCASTER 1: ...getting down on one knee and--

NEWSCASTER 2: He's proposing!

NEWSCASTER 1: Wow.

You can see that diamond from the helicopter.

Please say yes, Bonnie. I need this.

NEWSCASTER 2: Oh! She said yes.

She said yes!

NEWSCASTER 1: I think I might cry.

In fact, I am crying.

I haven't been able to cry since my divorce.

But now the floodgates are open.

NEWSCASTER 2: Wow, I've never seen such a passionate kiss.

That's a lot of tongue.

[turns off TV]

[Sonny sighs]

♪

- I see it now.

I see how this all ends.

You're not opening that coffee shop.

- What?

- Just like I'm not going to Costa Rica.

- This isn't a Hollywood movie

where everyone's dreams and ambitions come true.

This is real life.

And you know what?

♪

I've had enough.

We're going back to plan A.

We're gonna go out there and rush those fuckin' pigs.

- Look, dude, there's like a hundred cops out there!

- That's right.

We're gonna get gunned down and go out in a blaze of glory.

JULIO: What?

- Clyde y Clyde.

Never again will a woman ever be able to hurt

either one of us.

- Come on, don't do it, dawg.

Just turn yourself in, alright? Prison's dope.

They have all the Harry Potters.

- ♪ Oh, say can you see ♪

RUBY: Luis, come here, come here.

- ♪ By the dawn's early light ♪

ROOKIE: You got this.

[Sonny singing indistinctly] Let's go.

Come on.

Ooh, almost there.

SONNY: ♪ At the twilight's... ♪

- Ah, shit.

[singing continues] Okay.

SONNY: ♪ Whose broad stripes and bright stars ♪

- Oh, shit.

Safety. Yeah. [gun clicks]

[singing continues]

♪

[metal clangs]

[screaming]

♪

[gun clicks] [Farhad groaning]

♪

- [in slow motion] Bite him!

♪

[yells]

[gun thuds] JULIO: Get the--

- Ah, you fuckin' bit me!

- Payback, bitch! [laughs]

Never underestimate short fools.

See, I told you I could take him.

- Chill out.

ROOKIE: Hey. [panting] [Farhad groaning]

You okay?

♪

- Are you fucking kidding me?

I was shot by a cop in America.

I am going to sue you for millions of dollars.

Today is the best day of my life.

[cries]

♪ I Love L.A. by Randy Newman playing ♪

[grunts]

♪

- ♪ Look at that mountain ♪

♪ Look at those trees ♪

[Farhad groans]

♪ Look at that bum over there, man ♪

♪ He's down on his knees ♪

- I'm gonna fuckin' kill you, Julio.

I'm gonna fuckin' kill you.

- Estás bien? - Estoy bien, estoy bien.

[speaking Spanish]

♪

- You cost us a lot of overtime today.

Better watch your back, Serpico.

♪

[officers chuckle]

- ♪ Century Boulevard ♪

- ♪ We love it ♪

- ♪ Victory Boulevard ♪

- ♪ We love it ♪

- ♪ Santa Monica Boulevard ♪

- ♪ We love it ♪

- ♪ Sixth Street ♪

- ♪ We love it, we love it, we love it ♪

♪

- ♪ We love LA ♪

♪

[tires screech]

- Well, dawg, we fuckin' did it.

- Did what?

You almost got us killed, you fuckin' idiot.

- What the fuck are you talking about?

I had that shit under control the whole time.

- No, you fuckin' didn't.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Did you get us 100K to start a business?

That's what I thought.

Look at all this money.

Oh, what's this? [device beeps, poofs]

- Ooh, shit.

- [coughing] The fuck?

RUBY: What the fuck?

JULIO: Well, looks like we at least still have 50K.

♪ Bad Boys Reply by Inner Circle playing ♪

♪

LUIS: The wipers are on the outside, stupid.

JULIO: I know, stupid.

RUBY: Then why'd you turn them on, stupid?

JULIO: Instinct, stupid. We almost fucking died,

and you wanna give me shit about windshield wipers?

- ♪ Bad boys, bad boys ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? ♪

♪ Bad boys, bad boys ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? ♪

♪ When you were eight and you had bad traits ♪

♪ You go to school and learn the golden rule ♪

♪ So why are you acting like a bloody fool? ♪

♪ If you get hot ♪

♪ Then you must get cool ♪

♪ Bad boy boys, bad boys ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? ♪

♪ Bad boys, bad boys ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? ♪

♪ You chuck it on that one ♪

♪ You chuck it on this one ♪

♪ You chuck it on your mother ♪

♪ And you chuck it on your father ♪

♪ You chuck it on your brother ♪

♪ And you chuck it on your sister ♪

♪ You chuck it on that one ♪

♪ And you chuck it on me ♪

♪ Bad boys, bad boys ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? ♪

♪ Bad boys, bad boys ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? ♪

♪ Bad boys, bad boys... ♪