Original subtitles

♪

JULIO: At Hugs Not Thugs, we offer the resources you need

to transform your life.

- People love buying cupcakes from ex-gang members.

- Bitch, do you want me to relapse?

JULIO: My cousin spent the last eight years in prison.

Sorry I'm late!

He's crashing at my place.

[groans] LUIS: Check it out.

We don't have to wipe our ass with sandpaper anymore.

- Dawg, put that shit away.

[gasps]

Technically, it's my mom's house.

[grunts]

MAGGIE: You're 31 and you still live at your mom's house.

And you broke up with me because you're scared of commitment.

CANDI: You've never been to therapy

but you're leading a group hug session?

- That's fucked up, Julio.

- In your profile, you said you were an aspiring entrepreneur.

- Oh, well, um,

I have a passion for coffee.

RANDY: You got some serious psychological issues.

- Whoo-hoo-hoo!

LUIS: Hey, homey, what the fuck you doing?

[both grunt]

- I need someone like you for a security guard.

- Y'all hear that?

This store belongs to Luis motherfuckin' Hernandez.

JULIO: Whoa!

- Damn. MINISTER PAYNE: Shit.

Sorry, guys. - That verga was massive.

- Last week, a huge potential donor stopped by

and offered us $15 million in grant.

All billionaires are pigs.

- I like it when he watches me have sex with poor people.

- I fuckin' knew it.

But the truth is my P was simply too big for her V.

Anyway, those fucking billionaire fucks tore up that check right in front of me

and my big dong.

We're done here. Very sorry.

- We got the apartment!

I'm sorry you lost your job, but I got your back.

- I don't wanna move in with you, okay?

You're messy. I don't have a job.

Sometimes I don't even think we're right for each other.

MAGGIE: Get the fuck outta my apartment.

- Where should I sleep? - Take the bed, big dawg.

- For real? LUIS: Nah, nah, nah.

The bed's mine.

But you can have the couch, alright?

JULIO: I don't know what I'm gonna do now.

MINISTER PAYNE: Burning down your entire life

forces you out of your comfort zone.

It makes you have to find a new path.

[crows]

[sighs]

- Ugh.

[rooster crows] [sighs]

♪

[mumbles, grunts]

♪

[exhaling]

♪

[rooster crows]

♪

[rooster crows]

Dawg, pick up your shit.

- It's on my side. [Luis scoffs]

- Every day it's the same thing with you.

Do something with your life. Go get a job.

- You should try giving up.

Shit is tight.

LUIS: You know what? I pity you.

Damn, over here trying to get my day started

and now I'm sitting here filled with pity?

Fuck!

[rooster crows]

Fuckin' rooster.

DARIUS: Julio.

JULIO: What's up, Darius?

- Come here for a second.

Got something I wanna discuss with you.

- You come here.

- Nah, you come here.

You coming?

- Are you coming?

- Goddammit.

Are you the one feeding this little-ass dinosaur?

Listen, Julio, I don't wanna get racial about this shit,

but this ain't Mexico.

Tell Don Emilio he needs to do something with this bird.

The thing is crowing every damn hour of the day,

I can't sleep.

I work the graveyard.

This is my nighttime, dawg.

The sun is my moon.

- Tell Don Emilio yourself. It's his bird.

I just rent that fool's garage.

DARIUS: You know I don't speak no español.

Now, I have been taken these Duolingo classes.

I'm starting to understand what you people sayin' about me.

Y'all talking a lot of shit.

The more I learn, the more it hurt.

DARIUS: Well, I'm making it your problemo.

Whole motherfucking block can't sleep.

Shit boilin' up.

Remember the '90s?

Shit was heated between your people and my people.

Now, we been gettin' along real nice for a while

but this neighborhood is held together by a very thin fabric,

and that motherfuckin' rooster is pecking holes in that fabric.

Peck, peck, peck.

- Kill each other.

See if I give a shit.

- You're just gonna sit there in your nasty-ass pajamas

and watch the world burn.

♪

That ain't right, Julio.

That ain't right.

♪

Jesus.

People think these trees make the hood look nice.

They're killing us!

♪ theme music playing ♪

♪

ANNOUNCER: [on TV] 120 miles ahead of Hugh is Alex.

So far the ice has held.

The truck has run true.

[knock on window] DON EMILIO: Julio?

ANNOUNCER: [on TV] ...Alex's luck runs out.

[TV continues indistinct]

LUIS: Hey, my man.

You just bumped into me, you didn't say sorry.

Think you can just go around being all rude and shit?

Dawg, I've stabbed motherfuckers

for acting disrespectful like that.

What the fuck you gotta say now, huh?

What the-- The fuck?

Is that a cuff link in your pocket?

Oh, you wanna come in here and steal from me now?

I'm not the one, homey.

Turn your ass around, put your fuckin' hands on the wall, bitch.

- Man, you look like a Guatemalan James Bond.

LUIS: Nobody jacks from my store. You wanna steal?

You do that shit at Men's Wearhouse, bitch.

- Excuse me for a minute.

Hey, cut that shit out, Luis.

What the hell is going on?

- Hey, I was just practicing, you know.

For when something really goes down.

You gotta be ready, you know.

- Ready for what?

Man, once or twice a year shit goes down in here.

The rest of the time, just go sit on your stool

and be cool, man.

- Yeah, but I'm fuckin' bored.

- You want something to do? Okay.

Last night, somebody came in here

and painted a sad, "flacked" penis on our window.

Go clean the sad, "flacked" penis off, young blood.

- "Flacked"?

- Flacked.

- Aw, man, what the fuck? [sighs]

♪

[baby crying]

♪

- Hello, my name is Jesus Christ.

Will you buy me a sandwich?

- Nah.

- What's up, Officer Hernandez? - What's up, Ruby?

- Same one again? You know we got other flavors.

- Yeah. Same shit, different day.

- I feel you.

- What's up with that book you're reading?

- Oh, it's a book about Norway.

- Norway?

What's Norway about?

- That's where they got reindeers and shit.

I'm going there next month.

- Damn. For real? RUBY: Yeah.

- Sounds tight.

Pretty expensive though, huh?

- I got a system.

- Oh, shit, look at you, you got a system now?

- Yeah, check this out.

Four days a week I work here,

one day a week I work at the baggage claim at United Airlines

because, you know, if you work at an airline, you get free flights.

Yeah, so I bust my ass working here,

save my money and then I can travel anywhere I wanna go.

I've been everywhere.

I've even been to Saudi Arabia.

- Man, Saudi Arabia?

- Yeah. It sucks, but I've been there.

- Damn, look at you.

You're like Antonia Bourdain.

- You're funny.

[bell dinging]

I hate when people want ice cream.

Alright, I'll see you tomorrow, officer.

- See you later, Ruby.

[bell dinging insistently]

♪

- So, Don Emilio, this is what it's come to.

[rooster crows]

[all groan, sigh]

Now, I don't believe in this

we all gotta love each other unity bullshit.

- Mm-mmm.

- But what I do believe in is respect.

You're not respecting the fact

that we all have jobs and we need our sleep.

- Lack of sleep affects a man's testosterone.

Julio, tell him, my husband can't get hard.

- No! Don't translate that.

Yvonne, what the fuck? - [whispering] It's true.

- Don Emilio.

[rooster crows]

- No. [all groan]

- You're putting us in a difficult position, Don Emilio.

We all know that if Darius killed your rooster,

then me and the other Latinos gotta back your ass up

and fuck up Darius' dog.

- Hmm.

FRANKIE: I don't wanna fuck up Darius' dog.

That's a cute-ass dog.

DARIUS: And when you fuck up my dog,

my people gonna have to fuck up some of your people.

- Then we're in a race war.

- And you know what happens after that?

Mr. Chen gonna have to pick a side.

♪ tense music playing ♪

♪

[rooster crows]

Don't put Mr. Chen in that position.

- Well, I'm sure that janky-ass garage you rent out

doesn't have a permit. DARIUS: Mm-hmm.

YVONNE: It would be a shame if the city

found out and you had to evict your tenants.

Tell him that, Julio.

- Don Emilio.

[all gasp]

[Sofia snoring]

[stammers]

[all yawn]

[rooster crows]

[door closes]

[rooster crows]

[yawns]

JULIO: You know why everyone hates you?

'Cause they're jealous.

You don't gotta worry about nothing.

'Cause you're just a fuckin' rooster.

Your only job is to get chickens pregnant.

Damn. You're a player, huh?

How many chickens you fucked in your life?

Probably like a hundred, huh?

Life is meaningless and you don't even know it.

Lucky-ass fool.

I would do anything to trade places with you.

Anything. [wings fluttering]

[yawns]

[fishing rod reel unspooling]

♪

[clucking]

♪

[rooster clucks]

[wings fluttering]

Huh? Oh, shit, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

What the fuck are you doing?

Let go of it.

What... the... fuck? Hey!

♪

Mr. Chen? What the fuck are you doing?

MR. CHEN: That rooster has to die.

You don't know what it's like

to not have your people around to back you up.

- What happened to the Parks?

- They moved to Texas.

[gunshot]

♪

♪ lively mariachi music playing ♪

[groans]

[grunts]

[groans]

♪ Spanish song playing ♪

[sighs]

♪

- What the fuck?

It's too early to be bumping that shit.

- Doesn't bother me.

[grunts]

♪

- Don Emilio.

Turn that mariachi shit off, I'm trying to sleep.

- Yeah.

♪ song continues ♪

[song stops]

♪ lively mariachi music continues ♪

[all groaning]

- I'm not fuckin' around with you.

If I don't get no sleep today,

that bitch-ass rooster is gonna sleep forever!

♪

♪ Spanish song playing ♪

♪

[yawns, sighs]

- Man, you look like a Taiwanese James Bond.

LUIS: Psst.

Slick-ass ties, huh, my boy?

- Yeah, they're pretty nice.

- Super nice.

Go ahead.

Take one.

- What?

- It's cool. I work here.

I'm the head of security.

But homeboy don't pay me enough.

So you know what I'm sayin'? I don't give a fuck.

Go with that green one.

Shit looks good on you.

- Man, I don't know, I'm not trying to get in trouble or nothing.

- Dawg... I got you.

♪

Got you, dawg. MAN: What the fuck?

- Fucking tie thief.

- What the fuck, man? You tricked me!

- You tricked yourself, bitch. [laughs] [handcuffs clicking]

- What's going on over here?

- OG, I caught this motherfucker stealing.

- He said I could have it!

- Yeah, it was a test and you failed,

now time to pay the price, bitch!

- Young blood, let this man go.

- But, OG, he fucking tried--

- But nothing, let him go.

- He's taking the tie!

And the mannequin.

JOHN: Don't worry about it.

We got mannequin insurance.

[grunts]

[exhales]

LUIS: [sighs] I don't know, I--

I guess I just feel like I-- [sighs]

I got all this energy and I don't know what to do with it, you know?

Like something inside of me just, like, can't figure this shit out.

I just feel like I just wanna go out there

and really, like, really do...

[slurping noisily]

...something.

- Like start your own business?

Boy, you better not open up a new suit shop next to me.

- Oh, no, no, not like that.

Man, I don't fuckin' know.

It's just that... [sighs]

...shit keeps happening to me,

like people bump into me, they don't say sorry.

It makes me feel,

makes me feel fuckin' crazy.

You know, I keep thinking to myself,

"So this is freedom, huh?"

There's times when I miss being in prison.

OG, please, man, like, tell me what to do

'cause I feel like I'm about to lose my shit.

JOHN: You know who you remind me of?

James Bond.

Now, there was a man of violence.

I've seen all 25 movies.

And do you know how many people he killed?

Five hundred and ninety-seven. Oh, I counted.

Now, why do you suppose he killed all them people?

Because he never settled down with a nice woman.

Even though he met plenty of 'em.

Had sexual relations with 58.

Counted them too, bro.

[John chuckles]

Some women, he'd sleep with 'em

then he'd kill 'em.

That's part of what made it such a fascinating franchise.

But that was also his downfall.

You see, in this life,

you got to find some way to spend that energy.

You can either kill countless men

or find yourself a nice woman,

settle down, start a family.

That way you won't end up like James Bond.

A man I deeply respect

but I also pity.

Now, get out there

and clean that big erect penis off my window!

The vandals have struck us again.

♪

♪

- Hello, my name is James Bond. Will you buy me a sandwich?

- Nah.

Wait.

Did you just say your name was James Bond?

- No, I am Christ.

Jesus Christ?

♪

- Hola, Officer Hernandez.

- What's up, Señora Bourdain?

- Damn, you finally went for a new flavor.

- Yeah, well, it's a new day.

- Okay, I see you.

- Yeah, well,

you know, I hope it's not being too forward or anything,

but, you know, I was thinking that,

you know, maybe you and I could--

[bell dinging]

- Hello?

Can I get some help, please?

- Hey, my man.

Give us a minute, alright? We're having a conversation here.

But, uh, I was gonna ask--

[bell dings]

Hey, dawg, you ring that bell one more time,

you're gonna regret that shit.

[bell dings]

I fuckin' told you. - Hey, Luis.

It's cool, it's cool.

Let me just take care of this dumbass real quick.

[bell dings]

- You motherfu--

Hey, my man.

How about a sorry?

- What?

- You just bumped into me and didn't say sorry.

Alright? That's bad manners.

Made me drop these flowers on the ground

that I was about to give to somebody.

You should say you're sorry.

- Okay dude, relax, okay? It's not that big of a deal.

- Not that big of a deal? Fuck that.

[onlookers gasp]

You can't just be going around bumping into people and not saying sorry.

You know, in prison you get stabbed for not saying sorry.

You can start a fuckin' race riot

for bumping into someone and not saying sorry!

Y'all need to be a lot nicer.

Like people in prison are.

- Okay, alright. Hey, I'm sorry.

- Oh, now you're sorry, huh?

You know what? Fuck that, motherfucker, it's too late.

[grunting] - Oh!

- Fuck.

- Both of you get the fuck outta here before I call the cops.

Luis, wait.

You're right.

People around here don't have any fucking manners.

♪

- Oh, shit.

For real? RUBY: Mm-hmm.

Now get the fuck outta here.

- Right. I'ma hit you up later.

♪

- Hi, hello. That asshole is stealing ice cream.

♪

- I just needed my mint chip.

Wait. No.

[screaming]

- That's right. [screaming continues]

♪ lively mariachi music playing ♪

♪

[exhales]

♪ Spanish song playing ♪

♪ dramatic music plays ♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪ mariachi music continues ♪

[chatter continues]

♪

ANNOUNCER [on TV]: Suddenly, a close call.

TRUCKER: I was hanging right on the edge.

[laughs]

♪

[indistinct chatter on TV]

♪ song continues ♪

♪

DARIUS: At first we thought that rooster was gonna divide us.

MAN: Yeah!

DARIUS: But you've done the impossible.

You have united us against you

with our hate for that motherfucking rooster.

ALL: Yeah!

- Hey, translate that.

- Uh, man, actually my Spanish isn't that good, like,

I speak it, I definitely understand it.

And besides, man, Spanish is a colonizer language.

- Hey, Julio. Translate that shit.

- Suck my dick, bitch.

I'm done translating for you.

- Forget you, then.

Don Emilio.

ALL: Yeah!

DARIUS: It's over.

Just hand over the rooster, we can all go home.

♪ song continues ♪

[all gasp]

♪

That's alright.

I don't even care anymore.

Kill me.

At least then I'll finally be able to get some sleep.

♪

[rooster crows]

DARIUS: That's alright, old man. That's alright.

Just hand over the rooster, we can all go home.

- Kill the motherfucker!

ALL: Yeah!

FRANKIE: Kill. [crowd clamoring]

♪

JULIO: Stop!

Please don't kill the rooster.

[sniffles]

♪

[sniffles]

He's all I have.

♪

YVONNE: Damn.

This is sad as fuck.

♪

[Yvonne sighs]

- Let's just go home.

Get one of those fuckin' white noise machines.

- And some Viagra.

- Yeah.

♪

♪

TRUCKER [on TV]: There's a crow. Right there.

Right beside the window, look at the silly bugger.

ANNOUNCER [on TV]: The raven is playing in the heat waves rising off the truck.

- Hey, check it out, fool.

New tattoo.

[rooster crows] [indistinct chatter on TV]

Damn, dawg, I told you to get this rooster outta here.

- He's on my side.

LUIS: Ah, fuck it, I don't give a shit anymore anyway.

What you been up to?

- Same shit, different day.

- I feel that.

♪

[crows]

♪ Feeling downtrodden, fresh kid turned rotten ♪

♪ I can't believe how naive that I've gotten ♪

♪ Over the years seems like I'm getting dumber ♪

♪ Reminiscing to a time when I was younger with a hunger ♪

♪ Full of dreams, determination, self-esteem ♪

♪ But now it seems they hesitate to be on my team ♪

♪ You know the routine, when you winning they grinning ♪

♪ All up in your face ♪

♪ Like they was with you from the beginning ♪

♪ But on the flip side when you're washed up like a riptide ♪

♪ Fools clown about how you slipped and let shit slide ♪

♪ Besides the fact my voice is whack ♪

♪ Clowns is running 'round talking about I smoked crack ♪

♪ Ain't got no homeys that got my back ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm a brother but sometimes I don't feel black ♪

♪ My girl is white, my game ain't tight ♪

♪ Niggas who ain't seen me in a while ♪

♪ Be like, "Dude, you a'ight?" ♪

♪ Who am I kidding, who am I fooling? ♪

♪ When they be like, "What's up, Fatlip?" ♪

♪ And I say, "Cooling" ♪

♪ Who am I kidding, who am I fooling? ♪

♪ When they be like, "What's up, Fatlip?" ♪

♪ And I say, "Cooling" ♪

♪ Who am I kidding, who am I fooling? ♪

♪ When they be like, "What's up, Fatlip?" ♪

♪ And I say, "Cooling" ♪

♪ Who am I kidding ♪