Original subtitles

[exhales deeply]

- Okay.

Here we go.

? bright music playing ?

This is the beginning of something big

and now we prepare ourselves to take on the challenge.

I want you all to visualize success.

Imagine a river,

flowing with money.

You stand on the bank of that river holding a net,

fishing out... as much money as you can.

You dump the money out of the net, it is sopping wet.

Now, visualize yourself taking that money

to the fucking bank.

?

The teller, he says, "Hey, man, why is your money kinda wet?"

And you say, "Don't worry about it."

Manager comes over, takes a look at the money.

?

"We're gonna let it slide this time."

That's right, fuck head.

You're gonna let it slide this time

'cause it's a lot of fuckin' money!

Now visualize yourself smiling

as you realize you've attained financial stability

for the first time in your adult life.

[all inhale deeply]

[yells indistinctly]

[all yell]

Huh! ALL: Huh!

[Minister Payne yells] [all yell]

[yelling continues]

MINISTER PAYNE: Hyah! ALL: Hyah!

[all yelling indistinctly]

?

- Hyah!

[all yell]

[yelling continues]

?

- Uh, for the record, I don't think

that this is the best slogan for this part of LA.

MINISTER PAYNE: Well, why the hell didn't you speak up

when we were dropping four-hundo,

getting these things printed?

- I didn't wanna rock the boat.

MINISTER PAYNE: Well, you're rocking it right now.

You're rocking it and there's water sloshing over the sides.

? theme music playing ?

?

? bright piano music playing ?

?

[indistinct chatter]

?

- Pretty good turnout, huh?

- Yeah.

[sniffles]

- Dawg, are you fuckin' crying?

- No.

I mean, yeah.

- Ugh.

LUIS: Never thought I'd have my own business.

I'm gonna have a legacy.

You know, my kids could work here.

- Yeah, but they'd have to be ex-felons.

- Yeah, well, you don't gotta worry about that.

[door bells chime]

?

TERESA: Hey.

- What's up, fool? You ready to stunt your growth with coffee?

- I don't like coffee. It's gross.

- Well, leave then. Nobody wants your ass here anyways.

- Shut up.

- Can you believe my stupid-ass cousin is crying?

Corny-ass fool.

- What's wrong with you? He's happy. Aren't you happy?

- I'm dead inside. What do you want from me?

- I want you to stop being a cynical dumbass.

You gotta appreciate moments like these.

- I'll see what I can do.

- Okay. This shit is going off the fuckin' rails.

We gotta stop with the freebies.

Your abuelita is robbing us blind.

We're hemorrhaging money. We gotta start pushing the merch hard.

Nobody's bought shit yet and I'm calling it right now,

those punch cards you talked me into

are gonna come back and fuck us in the ass.

- Uh, hey, Payne. MINISTER PAYNE: Yes.

- This is Teresa, I've been telling you about.

- Oh, yeah, you're the chick with the kid

and you're the kid, huh?

Getting enough water?

- So nice to finally meet you.

Julio's told me so much about you.

And congrats on the opening.

[door bells chime] You should both feel proud.

- Finally, some good news.

Now I don't have to fuckin' kill myself.

Julio, come with me.

We gotta talk to somebody important.

There he is! - I'll be right back.

Try a muffin. - Yeah.

- Lenny, it's been too long.

MINISTER PAYNE: There he is.

[both laugh]

Curtis, I want you to meet Julio Lopez,

the inspiring visionary behind Mugs Not Thugs.

- Trust me, I'm not a visionary. Just a guy who likes coffee.

- Curtis is the voice of the working class.

You know, he wrote the very first writeup on Hugs Not Thugs.

He put us on the map.

He's one of the only ethical journalists left in the game.

And back in the day, we organized protests,

we helped the school janitors unionize.

Hell, I even took a rubber bullet for this guy.

- And he never fails to bring it up.

So, Julio, you wanna tell me your story?

- Well--

- Julio is a first-generation Mexican American success story.

He used to work with me at Hugs Not Thugs.

- And now you have your own nonprofit.

- Actually, uh, Mugs Not Thugs is a for-profit business.

But, you know, we're still gonna help people.

- The--

Lenny, I thought you told me on the phone

that this was nonprofit.

- Technically for-profit, but nonprofit values.

Hey, you want a muffin?

Julio, get the man a muffin, please.

You gotta taste the product before you write

what I hope will be a glowing review.

- Even if you do go through a reform program,

there's still a stigma attached

to ex-felons applying for jobs.

So that's what this place is good for.

Would be nice if they gave us some health benefits.

Say, what if a nigga gets sick?

- Of course, all the employees will be getting benefits very soon,

but first we are going to reinvest all the capital

back into the business so we can franchise.

- Pretty ambitious.

MINISTER PAYNE: We wanna open stores in Japan,

reform the Yakuza and shit.

You know, what would be good for the article

is a group picture, right?

Everybody, uh, grab an apron.

We're gonna do a picture, okay?

Let's gather around right up here.

Line up here. Tall people in the back.

On three, I want everybody to smile.

I wanna see teeth.

Kid, smile like you got a new lollipop or some shit, please.

Here we go. Ready?

One, two, three.

[camera shutter clicks]

? gentle violin music playing ?

?

NEWSCASTER [on TV]: Joining us now is Mary,

she's devastated that her 15-year-old son, Pedro,

slept with four girls in one day

and claims to be a sex machine--

- Hey, so,

I was like thinking about some stuff earlier.

You know, like life and shit.

- What, did you say something?

[indistinct chatter on TV]

- Uh, no. Nah.

Well--

Just, you know, life's a trip, huh?

[TV chatter continues]

You know, we only got a short time to live.

- Can you stop mumbling? I'm trying to watch this.

- Sorry.

Uh, it--

It's just that, you know,

I was thinking, like, I'm getting pretty old in dog years...

[Ruby clears throat] ...which means like, you know,

it's probably time to maybe, like--

You know? - Wait, what are you saying?

- [sighs] Well, basically what I'm trying to say is, like,

you know are you down to

marrying me and shit?

[rooster crows in distance]

- Are you proposing right now?

- Well, I mean, I don't have a ring or nothing, but--

Oh, shit, you know what? I do got a ring.

But like, full disclosure, I did give this ring

to my ex-fiance and the diamond is fake,

but, you know, I'll get you a real-ass diamond soon.

[ring clatters] Shit. Fuck.

Just give me one second.

Uh, basically, I want us to be together on our deathbed,

you know, with all our kids gathered around,

holding hands and shit.

And our grandkids, you know,

they're all crying and shit,

like, "Oh, am�, apa."

And, "Grandma, Grandpa, don't die, please."

But we're like, "Nah, we're about to fuckin' die right now for real."

And it'll be, you know, beautiful

'cause we'll be together.

I guess what I'm trying to say is--

let me make you a grandma.

?

- Will you two please get the fuck out of here?

- We were waiting for the right moment, but it never came.

- Yeah, sorry about that. We're gonna get outta here.

[door opens, closes]

- I'm sorry. Is there some kind of problem or something?

RUBY: Luis, what the fuck?

You can't just bring this shit on me,

talking about grandchildren and shit.

I don't even want kids.

- Oh, shit.

Have your insides gone all dead and shit?

- I can have kids, dumbass. I just don't want kids.

- Yeah, but, you know, you wanna have my kids, though, right?

- No, I like my life the way it is.

I travel and I don't wanna give that up.

I'm not even sure if I wanna get married again.

- Wait, do you even fuckin' love me?

Or you just been wasting my time?

You know, I'm glad you've been having "fun" or whatever

but my biological cock is ticking.

- You know what?

You're acting real emotional right now

and I'm not about that drama.

So I'ma go.

- I mean, come on, don't-- - Don't touch me.

[door opens]

- Well, fuck you, then!

I don't wanna marry your ass anyway!

Fuckin' weirdo.

- Did she say yes?

- There you go, one oatmilk cappuccino.

Enjoy. - Thank you.

- You proposed to her in that gross-ass garage.

What are you, fuckin' stupid?

- Hey, I was trying to be spontaneous, alright?

Keep it exciting.

- Nah, fool. You gotta plan that shit out.

Show her you thought about it.

When I proposed to my wife,

I was wearing my best suit at the restaurant

where we had our first date, but I spilled pasta on it.

But I had it planned because I had my second best suit in the car.

Next month, we celebrate our seven-year anniversary.

LUIS: Alright, but it shouldn't matter how I ask her

to marry me if she really loves me.

She don't even wanna have my fuckin' kids.

- You can't blame her for that.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Having kids? It ain't natural.

You scrubs ever seen The Miracle of Life?

- Nah. - Uh-uh.

- Shit's fucked up.

[door bells jingle]

- Extra, extra. Read all about it.

We got a shitty review.

Julio.

? metal music playing over headphones ?

- [muffled] It's a fuckin' hit piece.

- What? - I said, it's a fuckin' hit piece.

- Come on. It can't be that bad.

MINISTER PAYNE: Read it.

JULIO: "The story of Mugs Not Thugs is easy to root for.

"A first-generation Mexican American native

"to South Central brings premium coffee

to the underserved community in which he was weaned."

Sounds pretty good so far.

MINISTER PAYNE: Keep fuckin' reading.

CURTIS: But wade a little deeper into its coffee-stained waters

and you'll find the real story of Mugs Not Thugs is one of unfettered--

- Avarice?

- It's avar-ass. It means greed.

- You need a fuckin' thesaurus to read this shit.

"Mugs Not Thugs is actually run by a wolf in sheep's clothing"?

CURTIS: That huckster's name is Minister Leonard Payne,

a man once dedicated to reforming ex-felons,

who now exploits those he used to help.

- He says it's just a cynical cash grab and I'm pulling all the strings.

- What the fuck? I thought this was your guy.

- Yeah, I thought so, too.

Wait till you hear this.

CURTIS: Payne's lust for money extends to the Internet,

where he whores himself out on the digital streets of OnlyFans.

For $69.69 you can take a gander

at his moderately oversized phallus.

- Your shit ain't moderately oversized.

It's the fucking size of a baseball bat.

- I'll leave you with this.

CURTIS: The coffee and muffins were actually pretty good

but nothing could wash the acrid taste

of late-stage capitalism outta my mouth.

- Hey, he did say the coffee's pretty good.

- He sold us out for clickbait.

- [sighs] Don't let this shit get to you. It's not that big a deal.

- This will fuck our business.

If we don't start making more money, we're gonna have to fire Jorge.

- Everybody knows Jorge's deadweight.

We can throw him overboard at any point

and it would change nothing.

But, listen, nobody reads newspapers anymore.

Just let it go. Be the bigger man.

- You're right.

I'll be the bigger man.

I'm gonna put this behind me

and go wipe my ass with this article.

MAN [over phone]: What we're about to witness

is the miracle of life.

[woman screams over phone] ALL: Oh!

- Oh, shit. [Luis groans]

[screaming continues]

- See, y'all all did this shit to your mothers.

That's why all my kids are C-section babies.

- Damn, I gotta call my wife and apologize

for getting her pregnant so much.

Oh, my God.

I gotta go down on that woman more.

[woman crying over phone] Mother's Day.

[baby crying over phone]

Shit, I think I'm gonna need MLK day off, too.

Goddamn.

- Now I see why Ruby got all freaked out.

I need to apologize to her.

You know, ask her for a second chance

and do it right this time.

[men groan] - Yeah, yeah.

[keypad beeping] [printer whirs]

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

[bell dings]

[dings]

- Luis, I can't do this at work.

- Hey, I'm not here for drama.

Just some cookies and cream.

Porfas.

So I watched The Miracle of Life, you know,

to try and see where you're coming from about not wanting kids and shit.

and I get it now.

When that hyna gave birth,

and I saw that baby busting through her pussy close-up,

it reminded me of that one part from Ace Ventura 2,

you know, when that fool Jim is climbing out of that rhino's ass.

That scene used to make me laugh.

But now I know,

for that rhino,

it wasn't funny at all.

- Luis, what the fuck are you talking about?

- I'm saying you were right.

You know, it wasn't fair of me to expect you

to ruin your downstairs to have my kids.

I gotta earn that shit.

So I was thinking maybe, you know,

you could meet me at the caf� Friday night

and we could just talk.

And we don't have to talk about having kids.

We could talk about whatever.

I like talking to you,

no matter what we're talking about

because I love you, more than life itself.

But, you know, we don't have to talk about that either.

- I have a shift that night.

?

But I'll see what I can do.

- Alright.

I'll see you Friday night.

Keep the change, mija.

?

JULIO: Then I had to talk Payne out of beating that fool's ass.

TERESA [over phone]: Yeah, that article was pretty harsh

and kind of up its own ass,

but Payne was acting kinda crazy.

JULIO: Yeah, but he was just stressed out.

- I don't know.

I think he needs therapy or meds or some shit.

He said he was gonna fuckin' kill himself in front of Aurora.

JULIO: Payne was just joking.

You and me joke about that shit all the time.

- That doesn't mean he's not depressed.

JULIO: Look, you met him for five minutes.

I've known him for years. I'm telling you, he's fine.

He's not depressed.

- If you say so.

JULIO: I say so. Hey, you know what?

I'll talk to you later. Bye.

Payne? You okay?

- There's a 70-year-old woman

in Malm�, Sweden, who's very disappointed in me right now.

I couldn't get it up, Julio.

I think Curtis is right.

I'm just a sellout and a whore.

And I'm not even a good whore.

All I do is disappoint people.

I don't know.

Maybe I need to get on medication or something.

- Like antidepressants?

- No. Viagra.

- Man. Fuck that fool Curtis.

He's talking about us like we're the bad guys.

We're not the bad guys.

I mean, look at us. We live in fucking a garage.

We're the good guys. And you know what?

I bet you he's just jealous of your big-ass dick.

He probably has a small-ass dick.

- I bet he does have a small-ass dick.

- That's why he uses all those big-ass words

to make up for the fact that he has a small dick.

[Minister Payne chuckles]

You know what? We should confront him.

MINISTER PAYNE: We should confront him.

I'd like to see him say that shit to my face.

- Bet he won't. - He wouldn't.

? somber music playing ?

- You're gonna retract that fuckin' article.

So what if we're for-profit?

We still employ ex-felons

and you try to shit on us for doing a good thing?

- Please, every company these days has some kind of hack,

do-gooder gimmick that amounts to nothing more than free publicity,

corporate tax write-offs, money grab.

- Whatever, man.

You acted like you were on our side, then you sold us out.

You're no better than Obama.

- You're no better than Obama.

You deliberately misled me

so that I'd write a commercial for your caf�.

You've abandoned all the principles that you used to live by.

- Oh, shut up. If you actually knew Payne, you'd be ashamed of the trash you wrote.

- You think I don't know Lenny?

Huh? We go way back.

And let me tell you, he's no saint.

He ever tell you why he can't go back to New York?

- Okay, okay. This is a waste of time.

Let's go, Julio.

CURTIS: Yeah, that's right. Go home and get busy.

Jerkin' off on your webcam,

pretending you're not contributing

to the downfall of society.

- What the fuck is that about? You're probably just jealous.

If you had a big-ass dick, you'd be milking it for profit, too.

- Oh, yeah?

?

Let's do it.

Lay it out there.

[zipper unzips] How about something like this?

? sinister music playing ?

[loud thud]

[Julio gasps]

- Dear God in heaven.

- Why do you think I have to walk around with a cane?

You think I'm not tempted to sell out with this thing?

Temptation is a pulsing python that looms betwixt my thighs

and yet I have the dignity to keep it in my fucking pants.

?

[zipper zips]

[phone chimes] Oh, shit.

Okay, you gotta excuse me.

I've got a lead on a case where a rookie LAPD cop

was killed by his fellow officers who were covering up

their overtime abuse.

Cop was just a kid.

- And it was cold in there.

The AC was blasting.

And still-- [door opens]

MINISTER PAYNE: He's the bigger man in every respect.

- Hey, uh, what was that shit about in New York?

[exhales]

- I don't wanna talk about it.

I'm tired, Julio.

I ran a nonprofit. It failed.

I dropped out of society.

That turned out to be a lie.

I start an OnlyFans,

my dick won't stay hard.

I help open a well-intentioned business, I'm a sellout.

?

I used to be the guy who would take a rubber bullet for the cause,

now I'm just another... failure, Gen-X piece of shit.

?

Curtis is right about me.

?

I've only got one option left.

- Payne!

Payne!

Payne? Payne?

CURTIS: What the hell was that, Lenny?

You got a death wish?

- Retract your article or I'll fuckin' sue.

- You sick fuck.

You're at fault here.

It's your word against mine.

- I got a witness. He saw the whole thing.

Right, Julio?

? dramatic music playing ?

?

- That's right. You hit him. On purpose.

Attempted murder.

And you showed us your giant cock without consent.

MINISTER PAYNE: And after all that shit you've written

about the cops and judges in this town,

I'm sure they'd love to lock you up and throw away the key.

[groans]

?

You might have the bigger dick, but I got bigger balls.

I look forward to reading your retraction in tomorrow's paper.

- You really have changed, Lenny.

- Fuck you and your Godzilla dick.

- And, hey... sex work is work, bitch.

? The Game of Love by Wayne Fontana & The Mindbenders playing ?

[exhales]

?

- Right.

Let's do this.

?

- ? The purpose of a man is to love a woman ?

? And the purpose of a woman is to love a man ?

? So come on, baby, let's start today ?

? Come on, baby, let's play ?

? The game of ? - ? Love ?

- ? Love, love ? - ? Love ?

- ? La, la, la la, la, love ?

[sighs]

- Pretty fuckin' romantic, huh?

- Yeah.

JORGE: Looking good. Yes, sir.

You look good, Luis.

Are you ready?

- You know it. Got her a new ring.

Pretty sure it's real diamonds, too.

And this time, I'm not gonna get ahead of things, you know.

Talking about kids and shit.

But I do wanna give a quick shout-out

to our future children and grandchildren

who will be watching this one day.

And if Ruby and I have already died of, like, old age

or-or maybe even a plane crash, you know,

'cause we had a sad-ass pilot who just flew us all to a mountain,

like, "Hey, it's over for everybody."

Uh, just know that your mom/grandma

and myself are together in heaven, alright?

And even though it's fuckin' tight up here, uh, we do miss you.

We miss you a lot.

Like very much so.

Uh, and also,

don't let Julio's stupid-ass grandkids talk down to you, alright?

JORGE: Somebody's coming. - Shit. Everybody hide.

? gentle music playing ?

?

MAN: Hello, hello?

LUIS: Hey, we're closed. Read the fuckin' sign!

Okay. Here we go.

- ? Tears of a broken heart ?

[groans]

- Sorry, my bad knee.

This one right here.

Will you marry me?

- ? Tears of a broken man ?

Will you fuckin' marry me?

- ? I'm gonna be good, I'm gonna be good ?

? But my Ruby's gone ?

? My precious Ruby's gone ?

? But I-- ? - Alright, homey, that's enough.

JORGE: I don't think she's coming.

- Dawg, shut the fuck up.

I can hear you, alright?

And stop recording.

[bell dinging incessantly]

?

CARMEN: Alright, I hear you. I hear you.

- Hey, have you seen Ruby?

I think something happened to her 'cause I called her

and went to her place, but I can't find her.

- Ruby left this morning on some trip.

- Uh, where'd she go?

- I don't know. Argentina, Algeria or some shit.

She thinks she's all fancy with her fuckin' traveling,

I'm like, "No, you're not."

- Right. Well, I knew that.

Uh, you know what?

She actually invited me, but I was like,

"Come on, girl, this ain't the Travel Channel.

This is real life."

- So, uh, you want some ice cream or what?

- Uh, yeah, I'll take cookies and cream.

- You want fudge on that?

- Yeah.

?

CURTIS: Dear reader, mea culpa.

I was wrong.

I was wrong, I was wrong.

Mugs Not Thugs is a great new caf�

that's doing good for the world

and the people who work there.

- Jorge has no idea how close he came to getting his dumbass fired.

- Jorge lives... to fight another day.

- Yeah.

- ? Guarantee ? ? vocalizing ?

? To give him everything ? - ? Everything ?

- ? He needs ? - ? He needs ?

- ? Everything in the lifetime ? - ? Everything ?

? In the lifetime ?

- ? Of a man ? - ? Of a man ?

?

? Now sometimes ?

? It may seem ?

? That he just can't find ?

?

? Nothing on Earth ?

? That will give him ?

? Peace of mind ?

?

? But when someone ?

? Get him down ? - ? In trouble ?

- ? You gotta always be right there ?

? To bring him around ?

? Every day ? - ? Every day ?

- ? Every day in the lifetime of a man ?

?

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