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1
00:00:06,047 --> 00:00:08,750
They just delivered the TV
an hour ago and, Kelly,
2
00:00:08,965 --> 00:00:11,371
this thing is so gigantic,
it's ridiculous.
3
00:00:11,591 --> 00:00:15,634
I mean, the instruction book
is bigger than our old TV.
4
00:00:16,385 --> 00:00:18,626
Oh, let me go, Doug's home.
Okay, bye.
5
00:00:20,679 --> 00:00:23,880
Oh, yeah? Well, for your information,
these are official company issue!
6
00:00:24,139 --> 00:00:25,253
- Doug.
- No, no, you shut up!
7
00:00:25,473 --> 00:00:29,006
- Doug.
- He's making fun of my shorts again.
8
00:00:30,559 --> 00:00:33,262
He's five. Be the bigger man.
9
00:00:34,977 --> 00:00:36,257
It's just frustrating, you know?
10
00:00:36,478 --> 00:00:39,680
He's so well-dressed,
I can't come back at him with anything.
11
00:00:39,896 --> 00:00:41,687
Hey, what are you doing home
from work?
12
00:00:41,897 --> 00:00:44,185
My boss was trying a case in Jersey,
so I snuck out early.
13
00:00:44,399 --> 00:00:47,775
Come on, come on.
I have a huge surprise for you.
14
00:00:47,812 --> 00:00:49,814
- You're pregnant? Yes!
- No.
15
00:00:50,068 --> 00:00:51,858
- Thank God!
- Would you stop?
16
00:00:52,444 --> 00:00:54,519
There's something
in the basement for you.
17
00:00:54,737 --> 00:00:55,732
What?
18
00:00:55,946 --> 00:01:00,273
Oh, something I arranged to have
delivered today, three days early.
19
00:01:01,949 --> 00:01:05,363
- You- You don't mean in-?
- That's correct.
20
00:01:17,623 --> 00:01:18,902
I love you.
21
00:01:23,959 --> 00:01:27,042
And I know, in time,
you'll learn to love me too.
22
00:01:27,836 --> 00:01:30,123
- Man, I gotta call the guys.
- Already did. On their way.
23
00:01:30,379 --> 00:01:31,374
- You called them?
- Yup.
24
00:01:31,588 --> 00:01:33,663
You are the best
mail-order bride ever.
25
00:01:36,423 --> 00:01:39,423
So that's it, cutie.
Your cave is complete.
26
00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:41,874
Yeah, I just love it down here,
you know?
27
00:01:42,134 --> 00:01:43,758
It's like someone
stuffed some shag carpet
28
00:01:43,969 --> 00:01:47,051
and a foosball table
into my mother's womb.
29
00:01:50,889 --> 00:01:54,671
- Doug? Doug, Doug, you got the TV?!
- Yeah, it's down here!
30
00:02:03,228 --> 00:02:05,385
Your friends are here.
31
00:02:06,187 --> 00:02:08,677
I can't feel my legs.
32
00:02:08,897 --> 00:02:11,600
Damn, that's a nice TV.
33
00:02:21,195 --> 00:02:23,519
Would you look at the action
on this baby? She just glides.
34
00:02:23,737 --> 00:02:26,690
Look at that, I'm on two,
I'm on three, back to two, then:
35
00:02:26,906 --> 00:02:28,529
Hello, 57!
36
00:02:28,740 --> 00:02:31,408
Could we leave it on one channel,
please?
37
00:02:31,616 --> 00:02:32,896
Look at this, picture-in-picture.
38
00:02:33,117 --> 00:02:34,990
Oh, look at this,
picture-in-picture-in-picture.
39
00:02:37,077 --> 00:02:40,279
I'm begging you.
You're gonna trigger my epilepsy.
40
00:02:40,996 --> 00:02:44,327
All right, all right, I'll leave it on two.
I wanna catch the news, anyway.
41
00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:46,163
- The news?
- Yeah, the news.
42
00:02:46,373 --> 00:02:48,329
Clinton's in China
negotiating a big trade thing.
43
00:02:48,541 --> 00:02:49,655
Maybe you'll learn something.
44
00:02:49,875 --> 00:02:51,665
- report both sides are satisfied
45
00:02:51,876 --> 00:02:54,366
that a successful agreement
was achieved.
46
00:02:54,586 --> 00:02:56,209
The first lady
accompanied the president-
47
00:02:56,420 --> 00:02:58,328
Would you do Hillary?
48
00:03:01,797 --> 00:03:04,121
It's a first lady, you gotta do it.
49
00:03:06,633 --> 00:03:09,968
I don't know. She's filling out that skirt
a little bit too much for my taste.
50
00:03:10,004 --> 00:03:13,300
No, see, I love a little jiggle-jiggle
on a first lady.
51
00:03:13,553 --> 00:03:15,628
Quite a think tank
you two have going.
52
00:03:17,180 --> 00:03:20,096
Doug, it's after 6!
Enough with the TV!
53
00:03:20,306 --> 00:03:22,594
All right! You guys, come on,
you better get out of here.
54
00:03:22,807 --> 00:03:25,475
- Douglas, my man, you are whipped.
- Yeah, man, you're whipped.
55
00:03:25,684 --> 00:03:28,055
What are you talking about?
You still live with your mother.
56
00:03:28,310 --> 00:03:29,341
She doesn't drive!
57
00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:32,675
Now, listen up, sphincters,
58
00:03:32,895 --> 00:03:35,266
we inaugurate this bad boy 4:00,
Sunday, Jets-Miami.
59
00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:36,808
- You got it?
- Sunday it is. Doug.
60
00:03:37,106 --> 00:03:38,813
Oh, O'Donnell fades back to pass,
he's open.
61
00:03:39,023 --> 00:03:42,437
- Doug!
- Okay, honey. Love you!
62
00:03:43,359 --> 00:03:46,062
Come on, come on,
keep it moving, keep it moving.
63
00:03:46,277 --> 00:03:48,601
Go home to your wives and mother.
64
00:03:48,820 --> 00:03:51,488
She doesn't drive!
65
00:03:51,696 --> 00:03:54,268
All right, I'll see you mooks
on Sunday.
66
00:03:54,489 --> 00:03:57,358
Richie, don't pee there!
67
00:03:57,574 --> 00:03:59,649
All right, there.
68
00:04:00,367 --> 00:04:01,825
- I love those guys.
- Well, good.
69
00:04:02,034 --> 00:04:04,489
Maybe you can toilet train them,
you know?
70
00:04:04,702 --> 00:04:07,109
- Hello.
- Hi.
71
00:04:07,370 --> 00:04:10,405
Listen, thanks again
for getting the TV here early.
72
00:04:10,622 --> 00:04:12,329
You're just- You're so great.
73
00:04:12,581 --> 00:04:14,074
Oh, heck.
74
00:04:14,290 --> 00:04:15,831
What do you say
we rent a movie tonight,
75
00:04:16,041 --> 00:04:18,079
we crack open a box of wine
and make a night of it?
76
00:04:18,584 --> 00:04:21,252
Tonight? You know we can't tonight.
77
00:04:21,502 --> 00:04:22,497
Why not?
78
00:04:22,711 --> 00:04:24,334
Dinner at my dad's house?
Remember?
79
00:04:24,545 --> 00:04:26,916
I put the Post-it note on your head?
80
00:04:27,963 --> 00:04:33,168
Oh, come on, no, Carrie, please,
don't make me go to that bad place.
81
00:04:33,841 --> 00:04:36,840
Stop. It's just dinner. It'll be painless.
82
00:04:37,051 --> 00:04:40,086
Yeah, for you, you get to stay inside
with his latest wife, what's-her-name?
83
00:04:40,344 --> 00:04:41,588
- Tessie.
- Tessie, right, yeah.
84
00:04:41,845 --> 00:04:45,342
Meanwhile, your wacko father's got me
combing the streets for broken glass.
85
00:04:46,097 --> 00:04:50,258
You know, you really should tell him
it's never gonna be a form of currency.
86
00:04:50,516 --> 00:04:53,883
All right, I admit, he's a little out there,
but we can't keep cancelling on them.
87
00:04:54,101 --> 00:04:56,388
I don't think they believed
the last excuse you gave them.
88
00:04:56,602 --> 00:05:00,384
What was it,
that you were stuck in a well?
89
00:05:02,188 --> 00:05:03,302
- All right, I choked.
- Yeah.
90
00:05:03,522 --> 00:05:04,719
I did.
91
00:05:04,939 --> 00:05:07,263
Come on, Car.
I feel like being alone with you tonight.
92
00:05:07,982 --> 00:05:12,558
You know, it has been 17 days
since I've enjoyed you.
93
00:05:13,527 --> 00:05:15,814
And I assume it's been months
since you've enjoyed me.
94
00:05:18,821 --> 00:05:22,768
- All right, all right, I'll cancel.
- Yes!
95
00:05:23,448 --> 00:05:25,440
You're pathetic.
96
00:05:28,575 --> 00:05:32,488
Will you look at this thing?
It's like the cockpit of a 747.
97
00:05:33,078 --> 00:05:34,986
Oh, lights up.
98
00:05:35,245 --> 00:05:37,367
It's dark, but I can still see
where the buttons are.
99
00:05:37,621 --> 00:05:39,079
All right. Enough with that already.
100
00:05:39,289 --> 00:05:41,327
I thought you wanted
to fool around tonight.
101
00:05:41,582 --> 00:05:42,779
I do. I'm ready. You ready?
102
00:05:42,999 --> 00:05:45,951
My friend, I've been looking
at Denzel Washington for two hours.
103
00:05:46,167 --> 00:05:47,577
I'm ready!
104
00:05:48,918 --> 00:05:50,328
- Let's rumble.
- All right.
105
00:05:50,586 --> 00:05:55,708
Now, you, I want a clean fight.
Protect yourself at all times.
106
00:06:00,049 --> 00:06:03,879
- What's that?
- It's just urgent knocking. It'll go away.
107
00:06:04,134 --> 00:06:06,090
- Stop, I'll get it.
- No, no, no, you stay here.
108
00:06:06,302 --> 00:06:08,459
You gotta stay focused, okay?
Hey, stay in the mood.
109
00:06:08,678 --> 00:06:10,634
Hey, it's all coming back.
110
00:06:19,725 --> 00:06:20,755
- Sara.
- I-
111
00:06:21,017 --> 00:06:23,056
Let me guess, some huge crisis,
you need to talk to your sister.
112
00:06:23,268 --> 00:06:25,592
- Yes!
- Yeah, no, sorry.
113
00:06:26,895 --> 00:06:28,092
Tessie died!
114
00:06:29,104 --> 00:06:30,349
Tessie died?
115
00:06:31,230 --> 00:06:32,605
Oh, man.
116
00:06:32,814 --> 00:06:34,308
Yeah, I got home from acting class,
117
00:06:34,523 --> 00:06:36,396
and Dad told me
she'd had a heart attack.
118
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:38,514
What a shock, huh?
119
00:06:38,775 --> 00:06:41,100
Yeah, I know, isn't it?
120
00:06:42,527 --> 00:06:43,641
So how's your dad doing?
121
00:06:44,236 --> 00:06:46,987
He's pretty broken up.
122
00:06:47,238 --> 00:06:48,518
How about you? You all right?
123
00:06:48,780 --> 00:06:51,448
Well, you know, I'm wet.
Your sprinklers just came on.
124
00:07:00,077 --> 00:07:03,740
Poor Dad.
This has got to be tough on him.
125
00:07:03,996 --> 00:07:06,829
With Tessie gone,
he's gotta be heartbroken, you know?
126
00:07:07,039 --> 00:07:09,161
This is not mustard from a jar.
This is deli mustard.
127
00:07:09,373 --> 00:07:11,495
Try it, come on.
128
00:07:11,708 --> 00:07:15,786
I'm gonna go talk to Sara.
Spend some time with him, okay?
129
00:07:24,797 --> 00:07:27,168
So...
130
00:07:27,382 --> 00:07:30,381
How you doing, Arthur?
How you holding up?
131
00:07:30,592 --> 00:07:32,548
Look at that guy.
132
00:07:32,759 --> 00:07:36,506
- What guy?
- That freak over at the buffet table.
133
00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:37,882
He's stealing food.
134
00:07:38,429 --> 00:07:40,136
See that piece of ham?
135
00:07:40,346 --> 00:07:43,548
Watch. It's going right in his pocket.
136
00:07:43,765 --> 00:07:46,515
- He's making a sandwich.
- Another one? That's his third!
137
00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:48,595
Yeah, you!
138
00:07:48,809 --> 00:07:51,263
I guess my wife's dropping dead's
made you pretty hungry, huh?
139
00:07:51,518 --> 00:07:53,391
Well, that's it, I'm cutting you off!
140
00:07:53,603 --> 00:07:56,436
Doug, let's get his ham!
141
00:07:58,605 --> 00:08:00,264
God, a retirement home?
142
00:08:00,481 --> 00:08:03,149
I don't know, Carrie,
is it, like, evil of us to do that to him?
143
00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:06,149
Will you stop? We talked about this.
It's the best thing.
144
00:08:06,359 --> 00:08:08,149
I know, but don't those places
sometimes do
145
00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:10,150
you know,
experiments on old people, you know,
146
00:08:10,361 --> 00:08:13,609
like testing perfume in their eyes,
or making them run mazes?
147
00:08:14,154 --> 00:08:15,813
No.
148
00:08:16,030 --> 00:08:18,983
Okay, but even so, if he sells
his house, hi, where am I gonna go?
149
00:08:19,198 --> 00:08:20,478
I've been living here rent-free.
150
00:08:20,699 --> 00:08:22,441
- Don't you have any money saved?
- No.
151
00:08:22,658 --> 00:08:24,780
I thought I was gonna get
that big Mentos commercial,
152
00:08:24,993 --> 00:08:28,775
but they didn't think I was fresh
and full of life. Stupid schmucks.
153
00:08:29,036 --> 00:08:30,743
All right, you can stay with us
for a while.
154
00:08:30,954 --> 00:08:33,740
No! Oh, God, thank you!
Thank you so much!
155
00:08:33,955 --> 00:08:36,908
Oh, hey, can I paint my room black?
156
00:08:37,123 --> 00:08:39,696
Honey? Your father's frightening
the other mourners.
157
00:08:39,916 --> 00:08:42,122
Oh, I'm on my way.
158
00:08:43,877 --> 00:08:45,074
What are you holding?
159
00:08:45,336 --> 00:08:48,039
Oh, this is some guy's ham,
160
00:08:48,254 --> 00:08:50,411
and this is his wife's potato salad.
161
00:08:53,131 --> 00:08:56,466
Thanks for everything, padre.
You did a great job.
162
00:08:56,502 --> 00:08:57,959
Here,
163
00:08:58,175 --> 00:09:00,747
go get yourself an egg cream.
164
00:09:00,968 --> 00:09:04,300
Dad? Sara and I really need
to talk to you about something.
165
00:09:04,511 --> 00:09:05,922
What is it, darling?
166
00:09:06,137 --> 00:09:07,928
Well, now that Tessie's gone,
167
00:09:08,138 --> 00:09:10,426
things are probably
gonna change quite a bit.
168
00:09:10,639 --> 00:09:12,382
Yeah, and you know, Dad,
I was thinking,
169
00:09:12,599 --> 00:09:14,637
maybe I should just get out
of your way around here.
170
00:09:14,850 --> 00:09:17,055
In fact, Doug and Carrie
agreed to let me stay with them
171
00:09:17,268 --> 00:09:19,555
until I can afford my own place.
172
00:09:19,769 --> 00:09:21,891
Well, that's just fine, sweetheart.
173
00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:24,675
Now I can turn your room
into a little greenhouse,
174
00:09:24,896 --> 00:09:28,678
grow some stuff
to help my glaucoma.
175
00:09:30,857 --> 00:09:33,810
Dad, actually, you know,
there's more.
176
00:09:35,943 --> 00:09:37,769
It's- Carrie, you-?
177
00:09:39,153 --> 00:09:42,686
Well, Dad, we thought, you know,
under the circumstances,
178
00:09:42,905 --> 00:09:45,027
you might be happier
if you sold the house
179
00:09:45,281 --> 00:09:49,027
and moved into a nice,
lovely retirement home.
180
00:09:49,783 --> 00:09:53,482
I got two words for you:
I'm staying right here!
181
00:09:53,702 --> 00:09:55,278
- That's four words.
- Oh, is it?
182
00:09:55,536 --> 00:09:57,409
Then I got another four words:
Screw you!
183
00:09:57,620 --> 00:09:58,615
That's two words.
184
00:09:58,829 --> 00:10:01,117
You should stop saying in advance
how many words you have.
185
00:10:01,330 --> 00:10:02,907
Once you do that,
you're locked in, huh?
186
00:10:03,164 --> 00:10:05,156
- You're locked in.
- Yeah, right. Okay, thank you.
187
00:10:05,374 --> 00:10:07,365
Dad, look, we love you,
and we respect you,
188
00:10:07,583 --> 00:10:11,579
but let's face it,
you need a lot of watching.
189
00:10:13,211 --> 00:10:15,535
- I resent that!
- Oh, Dad, please!
190
00:10:15,754 --> 00:10:17,829
The last time Tessie
left you alone for two minutes
191
00:10:18,046 --> 00:10:20,797
she found you re-shingling the roof
with no pants!
192
00:10:22,340 --> 00:10:23,999
And no shingles!
193
00:10:25,884 --> 00:10:31,467
So because a man is old,
because he has a few eccentricities,
194
00:10:31,678 --> 00:10:34,346
you're ready to put him down
like a lame horse, is that it?
195
00:10:35,471 --> 00:10:37,629
Well, let me tell you something.
196
00:10:37,848 --> 00:10:40,053
As long as I've got the strength
to draw a breath,
197
00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:43,882
as long as I've got one ounce
of dignity in my bones,
198
00:10:44,101 --> 00:10:47,799
I'm gonna live by myself,
take care of myself right here,
199
00:10:48,019 --> 00:10:51,849
in the house that I built
with my own two hands!
200
00:10:56,398 --> 00:11:09,363
I wonder if it's too late
to get insurance.
201
00:11:09,399 --> 00:11:10,358
Hey, what's going on?
202
00:11:10,571 --> 00:11:13,606
Guess who won himself $9
in poker tonight?
203
00:11:13,865 --> 00:11:18,109
If you guessed Doug Heffernan,
you might just be right.
204
00:11:22,077 --> 00:11:23,239
What's the matter?
205
00:11:23,453 --> 00:11:26,736
What's your dad doing here,
anyway?
206
00:11:28,913 --> 00:11:32,245
And why does he smell
like hickory-smoked bacon?
207
00:11:32,957 --> 00:11:37,581
Well, Dad decided to cook his dinner
on a 42-year-old hot plate,
208
00:11:37,834 --> 00:11:39,791
and he burned his house down.
209
00:11:40,044 --> 00:11:41,324
He what?
210
00:11:41,545 --> 00:11:43,453
But there's a whole big kitchen
in there.
211
00:11:43,671 --> 00:11:45,543
What the hell's he cooking
on a hot plate for?
212
00:11:45,797 --> 00:11:49,246
Apparently,
it was his lucky hot plate.
213
00:11:49,465 --> 00:11:50,793
It is lucky.
214
00:11:51,007 --> 00:11:54,291
It's the only thing
that survived the fire!
215
00:11:56,385 --> 00:12:00,048
Well, I guess I'll unpack now.
216
00:12:04,764 --> 00:12:06,590
Good night.
217
00:12:08,724 --> 00:12:10,929
I really screwed up, didn't I?
218
00:12:11,475 --> 00:12:13,218
At least no one was hurt.
219
00:12:13,435 --> 00:12:16,884
Sara's okay, you're okay,
that's the main thing.
220
00:12:17,145 --> 00:12:18,259
I'm not okay.
221
00:12:18,479 --> 00:12:23,273
I'm just a stupid old fool who's
overstayed his welcome on this earth.
222
00:12:23,309 --> 00:12:25,063
Carrie,
223
00:12:25,274 --> 00:12:28,059
why don't you pick out
one of those places for me,
224
00:12:28,275 --> 00:12:30,183
and I'll go without a fight.
225
00:12:44,158 --> 00:12:45,355
By the way, honey, if you want,
226
00:12:45,575 --> 00:12:47,365
I can take a personal day
from work tomorrow,
227
00:12:47,576 --> 00:12:49,532
we can check out some
of those retirement places.
228
00:12:49,744 --> 00:12:52,316
There's a nice one I deliver to,
right off of Queens Boulevard.
229
00:12:52,787 --> 00:12:55,572
They have very good macaroni
and cheese.
230
00:12:57,497 --> 00:12:59,288
Hey, what's the matter?
231
00:12:59,957 --> 00:13:02,625
Doug, upstairs it just hit me.
232
00:13:02,833 --> 00:13:03,947
I can't do this to him.
233
00:13:04,167 --> 00:13:07,166
I can't stick him in some crappy place
where they're gonna
234
00:13:07,377 --> 00:13:11,420
just prop him up in a chair
and pump him full of Jell-O.
235
00:13:12,546 --> 00:13:14,253
I mean, he's my father.
236
00:13:14,505 --> 00:13:16,165
Car, I know how you feel,
237
00:13:16,381 --> 00:13:18,752
but you gotta be realistic.
There's no alternative.
238
00:13:19,008 --> 00:13:22,457
Well, there is one alternative.
239
00:13:24,135 --> 00:13:26,173
Euthanasia?
240
00:13:27,428 --> 00:13:29,171
Do we dare?
241
00:13:30,763 --> 00:13:32,589
No.
242
00:13:33,514 --> 00:13:36,182
I was talking about him living here.
243
00:13:36,766 --> 00:13:38,841
Here? With us? I mean, how?
We don't have the room.
244
00:13:39,059 --> 00:13:40,766
Sara's gonna be
in the spare bedroom, right?
245
00:13:40,976 --> 00:13:42,434
- Yeah.
- Well, there's no other room.
246
00:13:42,644 --> 00:13:45,134
I mean, there's this room,
but this room is...
247
00:13:45,854 --> 00:13:47,477
Oh, no. No, no, no.
This is my safe place.
248
00:13:47,688 --> 00:13:49,928
- I'm safe here, remember?
- Did you see his face?
249
00:13:50,147 --> 00:13:52,103
When he talked about going
into a retirement home,
250
00:13:52,315 --> 00:13:53,690
he looked so depressed.
251
00:13:53,941 --> 00:13:56,609
Is that what you got, depressed?
See, I didn't get depressed.
252
00:13:56,817 --> 00:13:58,608
No, I read it more like a nervous,
fun energy.
253
00:13:58,818 --> 00:14:00,810
Like a kid going to summer camp
for the first time.
254
00:14:01,028 --> 00:14:03,564
It's scary, but, hey,
there's arts and crafts!
255
00:14:05,113 --> 00:14:07,567
Oh, whoa, come on,
don't do that, don't.
256
00:14:08,489 --> 00:14:10,730
I'm sorry, it's just
I feel so guilty about my dad,
257
00:14:10,949 --> 00:14:13,071
but I feel like
if I help him it hurts you,
258
00:14:13,283 --> 00:14:15,441
and I don't want to hurt you,
I love you.
259
00:14:15,701 --> 00:14:19,483
Come on, Carrie, don't cry.
Come on, when you cry, I...
260
00:14:21,787 --> 00:14:23,826
Oh, God.
261
00:14:27,457 --> 00:14:29,532
Oh, God.
262
00:14:30,416 --> 00:14:33,084
He can live here, it's okay.
263
00:14:33,251 --> 00:14:34,875
Oh, honey, are you sure?
264
00:14:35,085 --> 00:14:38,583
Yeah, this room's stupid anyway.
265
00:14:39,671 --> 00:14:41,330
Honey, you're the best.
266
00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:45,044
Thank you so much.
Let's go tell Dad.
267
00:14:46,424 --> 00:14:49,673
- Oh, God.
- Are you okay?
268
00:14:49,884 --> 00:14:52,634
I need a few minutes.
269
00:14:52,844 --> 00:14:55,215
- Could you hold me?
- Yeah.
270
00:15:00,931 --> 00:15:03,847
Come on,
you gotta make those tackles.
271
00:15:04,850 --> 00:15:06,640
They're gonna blow it.
272
00:15:06,850 --> 00:15:09,601
They're already down 42-3.
273
00:15:09,810 --> 00:15:13,676
Or at least I think that's the score.
I can't see the bottom of the screen.
274
00:15:15,646 --> 00:15:16,974
Richie, come on, eat over a plate.
275
00:15:17,189 --> 00:15:19,264
Carrie doesn't want to
get crumbs on the duvet.
276
00:15:19,482 --> 00:15:21,888
What's a duvet?
277
00:15:22,149 --> 00:15:25,682
Look, I don't know, but she was
pointing to that area when she said it.
278
00:15:33,030 --> 00:15:34,025
Pull the covers off.
279
00:15:34,239 --> 00:15:36,989
- Oh, it's drafty. My legs are-
- Pull the covers off!
280
00:15:37,198 --> 00:15:39,866
All right.
Why are you in such a foul mood?
281
00:15:40,075 --> 00:15:42,743
Because I'm watching a football game
on something called a duvet.
282
00:15:42,951 --> 00:15:44,575
- This sucks.
- What do you want me to do?
283
00:15:44,827 --> 00:15:46,653
I mean, I live with
my wife's family now, okay?
284
00:15:46,870 --> 00:15:48,529
At least you get to go home.
285
00:15:48,787 --> 00:15:50,944
Back with scores
and highlights after this.
286
00:15:51,163 --> 00:15:54,079
Hey, Moose, question for you.
287
00:15:54,331 --> 00:15:57,746
Now that your wife's sister moved in,
do the two of them ever, you know,
288
00:15:57,958 --> 00:16:02,665
get into an argument, and maybe
start whacking each other with pillows,
289
00:16:02,877 --> 00:16:05,331
next thing you know,
a little playful wrestling
290
00:16:05,545 --> 00:16:08,213
leads to a lingering kiss?
291
00:16:13,841 --> 00:16:15,583
I'm asking.
292
00:16:16,175 --> 00:16:18,001
Is this Egyptian cotton, because-
293
00:16:18,218 --> 00:16:20,375
Would you give me that?!
294
00:16:22,261 --> 00:16:25,593
See, when you can do this,
295
00:16:25,805 --> 00:16:28,590
that means it's time
to buy a new one, okay?
296
00:16:28,848 --> 00:16:30,674
Okay, this isn't about the milk,
is it, Carrie?
297
00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:33,925
No, this is about me losing that set
of house keys with your address on it.
298
00:16:34,184 --> 00:16:37,017
- What?
- Oh, you heard me.
299
00:16:38,352 --> 00:16:40,059
You wanna...
300
00:16:53,735 --> 00:16:55,810
Okay, honey, I'm out.
301
00:17:09,534 --> 00:17:11,360
- Oh, jeez!
- Oh, don't mind me, keep shaving.
302
00:17:11,576 --> 00:17:13,533
Sara, what are you doing?
I haven't showered yet!
303
00:17:13,786 --> 00:17:15,493
If I'm late for this audition
there's no way I'll get it.
304
00:17:15,703 --> 00:17:30,586
Just give me five minutes.
Okay, half-hour, tops.
305
00:17:30,622 --> 00:17:45,468
The subway's gonna be
a disaster this morning.
306
00:17:45,504 --> 00:17:46,926
Your face.
307
00:17:47,135 --> 00:17:49,921
Why did you cut yourself so much?
308
00:17:50,137 --> 00:17:52,258
I'd rather not say.
309
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:55,339
And why are you still
in your pyjamas, hon?
310
00:17:55,556 --> 00:17:57,179
It's quarter to 8.
Have you even showered?
311
00:17:57,390 --> 00:17:59,216
No, your sister's been in there
for 20 minutes.
312
00:17:59,433 --> 00:18:00,712
Did you try flushing the toilet?
313
00:18:00,933 --> 00:18:02,724
Yeah, she just screams
and keeps showering.
314
00:18:02,976 --> 00:18:05,014
All right, I'll get her out.
315
00:18:06,644 --> 00:18:09,312
Well, slept like a baby!
316
00:18:09,521 --> 00:18:14,227
Seventy-five years old, and I still
wake up with the little guy saluting.
317
00:18:17,358 --> 00:18:20,310
- I'm out of the bathroom!
- Let me at it.
318
00:18:20,526 --> 00:18:25,020
I have a good feeling.
This could be my day.
319
00:18:29,530 --> 00:18:33,573
Doug? I got your wife on the line.
Should I patch her through?
320
00:18:33,824 --> 00:18:35,862
Yeah, yeah, please.
321
00:18:36,075 --> 00:18:37,450
- Doug?
- Hey, babe.
322
00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:39,574
Hi. How's it going?
323
00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:40,822
Been better.
324
00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:43,572
I was a half-hour late to work,
and my boss ripped me a new one.
325
00:18:43,787 --> 00:18:47,035
Again, honey?
That's your fourth one this month.
326
00:18:48,664 --> 00:18:50,288
So, what's up?
327
00:18:50,540 --> 00:18:53,409
Nothing. I was just sitting here,
thinking about you,
328
00:18:53,667 --> 00:18:54,745
and how much I love you,
329
00:18:54,959 --> 00:18:57,627
and how great you've been
about Dad moving in and everything.
330
00:18:57,835 --> 00:18:58,831
No big deal.
331
00:18:59,044 --> 00:19:02,826
No, it is. I mean, living with us
has calmed him down so much.
332
00:19:03,046 --> 00:19:06,129
In fact, I just spoke to him an hour ago
and he said he was just gonna
333
00:19:06,339 --> 00:19:10,287
spend the rest of the afternoon
in his room reading.
334
00:19:10,508 --> 00:19:12,998
Isn't that something?
335
00:19:23,097 --> 00:19:24,674
Doug?
336
00:19:24,890 --> 00:19:25,885
Doug?
337
00:19:26,641 --> 00:19:29,012
What are you so upset about?
I was just going to the movies.
338
00:19:29,225 --> 00:19:31,098
You see, that part's fine. Just fine.
339
00:19:31,310 --> 00:19:34,641
The part I'm having a problem with,
Dad, is the hookers!
340
00:19:34,853 --> 00:19:37,390
Look, the fact is I was lonely.
341
00:19:37,604 --> 00:19:39,596
I just didn't want to go
to the movies by myself.
342
00:19:39,814 --> 00:19:41,093
That's all there was to it.
343
00:19:41,314 --> 00:19:43,436
He didn't have to embarrass me
in front of my ho's.
344
00:19:43,649 --> 00:19:44,977
Okay.
345
00:19:45,191 --> 00:19:48,689
Embarrass you?
Excuse me, who'd they pepper spray?!
346
00:19:48,943 --> 00:19:51,231
Hey, you guys.
I'm thinking about having a party here.
347
00:19:51,444 --> 00:19:52,854
- Is Tuesday okay?
- No, it's not.
348
00:19:53,112 --> 00:19:55,566
And not Wednesday, either.
I'm having the Kiwanis club over.
349
00:19:55,780 --> 00:19:57,403
Well, can't you just move it
to Thursday?
350
00:19:57,614 --> 00:19:59,854
- No, Thursday's not-
- That's it! Listen up, okay?
351
00:20:00,115 --> 00:20:02,605
Hey, this is my house!
I pay the mortgage here.
352
00:20:02,825 --> 00:20:05,493
Actually, she pays the mortgage,
it's a tax thing.
353
00:20:05,701 --> 00:20:08,570
The point is, starting now,
here are the rules, all right?
354
00:20:08,786 --> 00:20:11,454
No parties. No Kiwanis. No hookers.
355
00:20:11,662 --> 00:20:13,986
No jumping in line for the bathroom,
making me late for work.
356
00:20:14,205 --> 00:20:16,244
And certainly no naked,
soapy silhouettes
357
00:20:16,456 --> 00:20:19,621
getting me all hot
while I'm trying to shave.
358
00:20:21,542 --> 00:20:22,656
You got that, Arthur?
359
00:20:28,504 --> 00:20:30,578
Oh, God, finally.
360
00:20:31,255 --> 00:20:36,080
Sara's out on a date, Dad's nailed
into the basement for the night,
361
00:20:36,299 --> 00:20:41,753
so it's just you and me, Doug,
if that is your real name.
362
00:20:44,636 --> 00:20:45,881
What's the matter?
363
00:20:46,554 --> 00:20:48,462
I'm not in the mood.
364
00:20:49,513 --> 00:20:53,130
- Why not?
- I feel fat.
365
00:20:55,725 --> 00:20:58,215
Would you stop it?
You're not fat. You're...
366
00:20:58,434 --> 00:20:59,596
- I know, husky.
- Husky.
367
00:20:59,810 --> 00:21:01,683
- Yeah, I'm husky.
- That's right.
368
00:21:01,936 --> 00:21:04,508
Now, what's really going on?
369
00:21:04,771 --> 00:21:06,679
I just miss the way things
used to be.
370
00:21:06,897 --> 00:21:08,805
You know,
when it was just you and me,
371
00:21:09,023 --> 00:21:10,397
and we had the house to ourselves,
372
00:21:10,607 --> 00:21:14,270
and we could watch the top
and bottom half of a movie.
373
00:21:14,525 --> 00:21:18,852
I know. I know. Me too.
374
00:21:19,069 --> 00:21:20,563
But look at it this way,
375
00:21:20,778 --> 00:21:25,023
sometimes the top half of a movie
is all you need.
376
00:21:25,239 --> 00:21:26,697
Right?
377
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:29,315
I guess you're right.
378
00:21:33,743 --> 00:21:36,742
Wait. Top half of a movie
is all you need?
379
00:21:36,953 --> 00:21:39,525
What the hell does that mean?
380
00:21:41,371 --> 00:21:43,114
It means nothing. It means nothing.
381
00:21:43,331 --> 00:21:46,247
We haven't had sex in a month.
So if you wanna talk, let's talk after.
382
00:21:46,457 --> 00:21:53,083
- Yeah, if I'm still awake, baby.
- Okay.
383
00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:59,710
Did you confiscate
your dad's hot plate?
384
00:21:59,922 --> 00:22:01,830
I should have, shouldn't I?
385
00:22:02,048 --> 00:22:04,798
Let's just keep going
until we smell smoke.
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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