Original subtitles

- Morning. How much is a bacon, egg, and cheese?

- It's six Comet Bucks, but we're out.

- Are you saying "comic books"?

- No, Comet Bucks. It's our money.

- What do you mean "our money"? We're in the United States.

Shouldn't you use dollars? - Oh, no.

Members don't handle dollars.

You hand those in when you join.

Anyway, sorry, all we have is ketchup and limes.

- Is this town doing okay?

- No, we're starving kind of.

- Works for me. [laughs]

- Where do Comet Bucks come from?

- From the Comet Bank.

- Well, who's in charge of the Comet Bank?

- Uh, your dad. - But he's dead.

- Right.

Oh, that explains it.

- That explains nothing.

I've been to Cuba on vacation a bunch,

and I've seen "The Big Short," like, seven times.

This has all the markers of financial crisis.

- Well, in any case, we're out of food.

[electricity crackles, customers grumbling]

- I'm a city girl. I do money all day.

Don't worry, New Utopia. I've got this on lox.

Or is it "lock"?

- Oh, boy.

- [laughs]

[upbeat music]

? ?

[crowd cheering]

? ?

[goat bleats, chomps]

[person screams]

- Mae Mae, I have some serious questions here

about the local economy.

- Well, I have questions about the Federal Reserve,

but they're not taking my phone calls.

Okay.

Emmett, bring the white board!

- [giggles] Oh.

- Our money comes from a few places...

Speechblasters classes, your father's self-published books,

finding it on the ground, and mostly from recruitment.

Back when your father was alive,

he inspired so many people to join him on this journey.

- W-what does recruitment have to do with ketchup?

- When new members join,

they donate all their earthly possessions,

sort of like a tithe,

but instead of 10%, it's 100%,

in exchange for Comet Bucks.

- Which are, again?

Both: Credits toward the trip on the comet

that brings us to the other half of the universe,

where it is nice.

- Money's been a little tight because we haven't brought in

anyone new since your father passed,

but now that we have a leader, we can recruit again.

- So you take people's money for a trip to space heaven?

That's a scam, and I can't be anywhere near a scam!

Fashionable city women who mess with people's money

always get shamed via podcast,

and they would absolutely destroy me.

- Petey St. Barts was a bad girl,

a bad girl who took money badly,

and that was bad.

And everybody hate her now.

- [gasps] - You have questions?

I have a question. What's a podcast?

It's like radio but computer?

And then it's money?

Well, that's a scam.

- Okay, right now we have an immediate issue,

which is people need to eat.

And I need to charge my phone.

If new members gave all their money to my dad,

where is it now?

- Mm, ha. Hmm.

- Oh, my God.

Mae Mae's a level two billion in Speechblasters.

She never says "um." Something is wrong.

- [gulping] - What's happening?

- Oh, her blood pressure gets a little feisty sometimes.

She's been skimping on her medication.

She has a prescription

at the Pharmacy Barrel in Apple Bucket,

but it has a co-pay of $30.

- The cult doesn't even have $30?

- I can give you 30 Comet Bucks.

- Oh, this place is in worse shape than I thought.

- Well, all we have to do is recruit one person

who's worth at least $30. - No, I'm not recruiting.

I'm gonna earn $30 the honest way... from an ATM.

Don't worry, Mae Mae. You'll be okay soon.

- I'm twice as crazy as I was this morning

but half as crazy as I'll be tonight.

[dramatic music]

[animals chattering]

[doorbell rings]

- Is it weird for you to be outside of New Utopia?

- No, no, no, it's not weird at all.

When I was still a gung-ho cult person,

I would come here all the time to recruit new cult members.

I'm not proud of it because it's morally wrong,

but I was so good at finding cult bait.

Like that woman over there...

She is one line away from joining the cult.

Vitamin B12, huh? What about vitamin B-happy?

- What, so you won't take a card

that isn't covered in mayo?

- That lady buying Tupperware... I would just tell her,

wow, you're a master compartmentalizer, aren't you?

Or that lady looking at hammers...

Oh, I bet you always have to be the strong one, don't you?

Come on, let me just do one. I'm so good at it.

- No, I'm not tricking people like my dad did.

I want to do things the right way.

If this town is a company, I want it to be a good company,

like Jessica Alba's diapers.

Ugh!

- Morning, scum.

I see you're picking up some medication.

Is it for narcissism? [chuckles]

- Actually, Bandit, I'm here on behalf of the health

of a very important member of my community.

And because I'm not narcist, I'm not gonna reveal who it is.

[scoffs]

Excuse me, sweet old man, your ATM machine is broken.

- Have we met somewhere?

- Ooh, I can say with 100% certainty that we haven't.

No offense.

- Oh, then you must be one of those New Utopians.

Now, you all are weird, correct?

I just love all the stuff you do,

dancing around in the fields and such.

Sometimes I peek.

Can I come visit?

I'm born and raised in Apple Bucket,

but I've never crossed the town border,

except for this one time

which I will describe in great detail right now.

Here I go. - No, thank you.

I just need you to fix that ATM.

It keeps saying "funds not available."

- Well, usually when the machine says

"funds not available,"

it means your funds aren't available

on account of you don't have any funds.

Sounds like you're broke, buttercup.

- Broke? Would someone who's broke grow up

never having to think about money?

Wait here, buttercup.

[doorbell rings]

- [sobbing]

- Oh. [doorbell rings]

[cellphone ringing] - Yes, hello?

I'm afraid you have me at a disadvantage.

You see, you know who you called,

but I don't know who this is.

- [scoffs] Mother, it's me.

Everything's fine and actually less weird

than I thought it would be.

I'm calling because I'm at the ATM

and I need some cash for a rural charity initiative,

but no money will come out for me.

- Let me guess.

You realized you eat too much to subsist on Comet Bucks.

- What? How do you know about Comet Bucks?

- Petey, I'm with my accountability coach,

and he's going to tell me what to say next.

- "Accountability coach"?

- I love you.

You're my daughter,

but I will not "finance" your latest crisis.

- Well, if you love her so much, you talk to her.

[cell phone beeps]

- [huffs] It finally happened.

My mom's accountability coach cut me off.

- Aw. - What's wrong?

You all out of caviar funds for your dinner parties

at the Elders' Houses?

- What does any of that mean?

You're being such a jerk,

and I'm already having a terrible day.

My mom cut me off, Mae Mae's sick.

- She is? I got to go.

- What a weird and hot guy.

Ugh. How hard can it be to get $30?

It's just $10 three times.

- That's just for Mae Mae's medicine.

You're going to need a lot more than $30

if you're going to save this cult.

[down-home music]

? ?

- I have an idea.

- This is going to be my whole day.

- I don't know if this is going to work.

We're in chunky-jewelry country.

- Listen, if there's anything magazines have taught me,

it's how to sell expensive things

by people looking at them.

Hey, you yokels, real dainty New York gold for sale.

200 for stacking rings,

400 for this genuine sparrow charm from Mejooji.

- Y'all aren't those cult weirdos

from New Utopia, are you? - No.

I'm a completely normal person from New York City.

- So where's the jewelry?

- They're ultra-thin because they're meant to be stacked.

I have 80 of them on my finger right now.

- Sorry, honey, I'm looking for something

with a little more statement heft.

- [scoffs] Don't feel bad.

She's what we used to call "unrecruitable."

You should aim for someone a little easier to hit,

like that guy.

- Oh, I'm bad.

- They taught us to approach people eating near trash cans

because it scores highest on the shame scale.

- [coughs] There go my thighs.

- [sighs] All we have to do is get 30 frickin' dollars,

make Mae Mae's brain work again,

create a new type

of self-sustaining, nontoxic capitalism,

and then make a bunch of money to fix all the town's problems.

- That sounds complicated. Just let me recruit one person.

- Oh. - Just one.

- [groans] - It's really not that bad.

- No. I told you, I don't want to rob

a bunch of sad, lonely, vulnerable people.

It's not my brand.

- Is this about your brand, or is it about us having food?

I'm truly just trying to follow.

- There's got to be another non-harmful way

to make money at this fair.

- [chanting] Oh, Great Comet,

please watch over this true believer

as she begins her journey to the other side.

Grant her priority boarding and extra legroom

and a window seat if Comets have windows.

- Mom!

Y'all can get out of here!

Go on, get! [all whimper]

Are you okay, Mom?

- Who are you? - Bandit, your son.

- Oh, I had a terrible dream you abandoned your beliefs

and became a smug, dissenting critic

of my beloved New Utopia.

- Yeah, Mom, that happened.

- Not to my Bandit. He loves it here.

I'm so proud of you.

- I love the leader! And the comet is coming!

And I can't wait to do weird stuff to defend it!

- That's my son.

- Stop seeing me as little Bandit.

I'm a big Bandit,

a big Bandit who only wants to help his mama.

[indistinct chatter]

- [grunts, breathing heavily] I finished milking your cow.

- [bleats] - Money please.

[sighs]

- Mm, mm, mm.

- [crying]

- Hmm, cult bait.

- [continues crying] - [gasps]

[crowd cheering]

[person groans, speaking indistinctly over PA]

[bell rings]

- [scoffs] You call that eating butter?

- Push it, ladies.

- I'm not paying 50 bucks to ride a bike.

- Petey, come on. - [breathing heavily]

[groans]

? ?

[gasps] Wait, I have another idea.

- Mama? Mama?

- My body is trying to get to space.

This place is no longer pure.

And I have so many regrets.

- Don't give up, please.

I'm gonna get you out of this cult but not that way!

Hang in there, Mama! - I'm too far gone.

But you, you still have a chance for love.

- What are you raving about? Love?

- Go get the girl.

- What girl? - The girl!

- The... the girl?

[dramatic music]

- Mmm.

Help me, I'm stuck in this brown cement.

I am not narcist.

- [sighs] Don't worry, Mom.

I'm gonna get the girl. Just hold on a little longer.

- [growls] - Ha, you blinked.

- [groans]

[gavel bangs] - Sold for $400.

- If they'll pay that much for a date with a cow,

imagine how much they'll pay for a date with me.

- Mm.

- The next heifer for sale is a human...

A date with Petey St. Barts.

She is a twenty-thirty-year-old magazine writer from the city

who would rather not say what she's doing

in these here parts.

Bidding starts at $500.

- Hmm. Don't look like she can produce much wool.

[person coughs]

- My niece needs a friend.

So $5?

- I hear $5. Do I hear $6, $6, $6?

Do I hear $6?

- $1,000!

[crowd gasps]

- Going once, going twice, and sold...

A date with Petey St. Barts to the hunk with the highest bid.

- Come on. We have to go.

- I can't believe you did that. Where did you get $1,000?

- I don't have the money. I was defending your honor.

- Wow, you're a liar, and you're poor.

Thank you for killing Mae Mae,

because I was doing this to pay for her medication.

- You were doing this for my mom?

- [gasps] Mae Mae is your mom?

Both: This is a huge reveal.

[rock music]

- Oh.

Whoo-hoo!

Here I come, other half of the universe.

Wow. Petey's father wasn't lying.

This is nice.

Oh, yeah! Whoo-hoo!

- A-whoo!

- [gasps] I'm doing it!

I'm doing it!

Yeah! Ow!

Get away, Emmett.

- I was just trying to give you water.

- I hate you, you little bug.

- God, I am glad you're finally done humiliating yourself

and are ready to recruit this guy like I told you to.

- I am not recruiting him.

I am going to beg him for an IOU like an adult.

[doorbell rings] - Well, lookee who's back.

- [sighs]

My friend is sick,

and I don't have money to pay for her meds.

I've never said these words before,

but is there any way you could spot me

and I'll pay you back later?

- Normally I wouldn't even consider something like that,

but you really are the spitting image

of my high-school sweetheart, Tammy Overalls.

You know her? - [sighs]

I have never met an Overalls.

- She had the sharpest elbows I've ever seen.

- About the IOU.

- Sorry, no can do on the IOU. [chuckles]

I've been burned too many times.

But seeing you sure reminds me of how much I miss my Tammy.

I should have married her when I had the chance.

No offense to my current wife.

RIP. She died.

And my church just fell into a sinkhole,

so now I have nothing to worship.

- [gasps]

- I don't even care if it's made up.

I just want to believe in something.

Also, I'd love to wave

my little thing around in the woods...

Not in a creepy way.

- Cult bait? - Ha, cult bait.

- [sighs] You've always had to be the...

- Strong one. How did you know?

[sobbing]

- Come live in the community of New Utopia.

Application fee is $30.

- Is $50 okay? - Can I get that medication?

- Boy, can you?

Am I ever excited to give up everything

for people who actually care about me.

- [sighs]

- I did it! I got Mae Mae's pills!

- [gulps]

What the dang hell, Emmett?

What'd I tell you

about putting your dirty fingers in my mouth?

Ugh! - Thank God you're okay.

You wouldn't believe how hard it was to get $30.

Long story short...

I did need to recruit a lonely old man to get it.

- We're back to recruiting? Happy days are here again.

- No. It was the first and last recruitment,

because now you're not blood sick.

It's not like one recruit is a viable economic system.

This was an emergency. [door opens]

- Oh, am I barging in?

When would be a good time

for me to give y'all my bank account information?

Did I mention I'm a Rockefeller?

Not one of the good ones, but still...

- Oh, no...

- That's actually part of the initiation.

There'll be a big ceremony tonight at the Elders' Houses.

- Oh, a ceremony.

Oh, mmm, mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

- No, Mae Mae, this is wrong.

- Petey, can I talk to you for a second?

- Ouch!

Could we have picked a less-cramped location?

- Oh, I understand your moral position

against recruitment,

but a lot of people are going to starve to death

if we don't take this man's money.

Being a leader means making tough decisions,

and this is one of them.

So what's it gonna be?

- [sighs] Okay.

What do you need me to do?

- Keep him occupied. Wine him and dine him.

Make sure he gets to the Elder Houses

in time for his induction ceremony.

- Aah! [grunts]

- One limey Mary and a ketcharita.

They are the same.

- Spicy. - Gosh, it was so surprising

that you just had so much money.

Were you just going to sit on it until you die?

- Nope, truth be told, I was going to donate it all

to the charity fundraiser

to help a little girl get a new set of eyeballs.

She has this condition

where every time she sees a flash of light,

it ages them four years, and she wants to be a model...

Poor thing.

- Oh, God. That's terrible.

- But forget her.

Just think of all the wonderful ways

you'll be able to use my money.

- Like feeding people not ketchup.

- Eliza, seriously,

he was going to use that money for charity.

- Petey, I think it's time for you to take our new friend

to his induction ceremony. - [grunts]

[crowd cheering]

- Well, look at me wearing a robe.

I feel like a person in a hotel.

- Listen, you can be honest with me.

Are you sure you're ready for something like this?

- Oh, yes, I've memorized my routing number

and my account number just as you asked.

And I know it has to be really everything.

I had a trust fund set up for children born without necks,

but I'll turn that over, too... Don't you worry.

- No, stop telling me stuff.

- All right, you, time for our auction date.

- "Auction date"? - If it's okay with this guy.

- Oh, we're not dating.

I'm just giving her all my money

in exchange for immortality.

- Back to recruiting, huh?

Every time I think I can't be more disappointed by you,

you surprise me.

- [sighs] Look, I don't want to go back to recruiting

any more than you do.

This was not my vision for the town.

I did this to save your mom. - Fine.

Let's take the scenic route to the Elders' Houses.

- Swish.

- Look, I have spent all day trying to figure out

how to make money to save this town

without taking advantage of people,

and I'm all out of ideas.

- Typical city person.

Can't you just take a minute to enjoy your surroundings?

Look around.

T-there's a deer...

[thud] Giving birth.

That there's a river...

giving birth.

That there's a star...

You guessed it, giving birth.

- [sighs] They sure don't make nature like this in New York.

- Sometimes you just got to clear your head

and get out into nature and connect with something real...

Dirt, trees.

- Marble.

- What? - Look.

This is where all the money went.

- It's the Elders' Houses, of course.

They designed them themselves.

- Mae Mae, you neglected to tell me

that the Elders live in giant marble palaces...

And not just any marble, Carrara marble.

- I'm sure it's not that expensive.

- Don't challenge a city girl

on her ability to recognize different types of marble.

I would recognize my mom's favorite countertops

from anywhere.

- Well, that's very neat, dear,

but let's get this recruiting going.

- No, that won't be necessary, Mae Mae.

[snaps fingers] Elders, get out here.

[creepy laughter]

- Is the new inductee ready

for his most holy bank transfer, hmm?

- No, we won't be doing that.

We're not stealing the pharmacist's money

or those children's eyes or necks,

because this isn't just a scam.

It's a pyramid scheme.

You guys took all the money from new recruits

and used it to build these houses made of floor.

But I'm going to take the pyramid

and turn it upside down.

I'm going to sell your houses. [Elders gasp]

- Sweetheart, you're new around here,

so you don't understand.

We get nice stuff

as payment for our job of being your dad's friends.

- Well, you're not my friends,

so you can just move into one house together.

You guys cool with that?

- Well, we... we will do whatever our greater leader decrees.

- So we're redistributing the wealth... great!

It might not solve everything long-term,

but it does mean we don't have to eat ketchup anymore.

Pickle dogs for everyone, on the houses.

[crowd cheering]

- Hi, can I still be in your cult?

I already threw out all my underwear.

- Who told you to do that? - Nobody.

- I mean, we were about to fully rob you,

and I don't yet have a great permanent solution

for not robbing people.

But if you want to stay, sure.

People need pills.

- Great.

Now that we're alone,

you'd tell me if you were Tammy Overalls, right?

[dramatic music]

? ?

Do you want subtitles for any video? -=[ ai.OpenSubtitles.com ]=-

- I'm going to...

[slowed] Sell your houses.

[Elders gasp]

You can just move into one house together.

You guys cool with that?

- We will do whatever our great leader decrees.

[air horn blares] - This is gonna get crazy.

Five Elders, one house.

It's "Elder House."

- Talk all you want.

There's no time for drama on the comet.

- I might look sweet, but I'm 104.

- Life isn't all human sacrifice and Metamucil.

But it should be.

- I believe rules were made to be followed.

But a disobedient spirit is meant to be broken.

- Call me a bitch if you want.

Just don't call me a heretic.

- "Elder House."

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