Original subtitles

Lidia (v.O.): Previously on moonshine...

- [loud bang] - [bird caws]

Nora: My sister lidia is in meltdown mode.

-Still got it.

-She moved back from the big city

And shitcanned her life last summer.

She's been in a death spiral ever since.

...You love what?

Andreas: [on phone] your new podcast idea!

Can you have the pilot outline ready for me next week?

Wes: Look, I haven't been entirely honest

With you, either. I'm weston lonergan of wesworld.

Lidia: Is that blueprints for the stupid resort?

Ugh!

Ryan: She's fixing it!

Rhian: Are you insane?

You think I will stand back and let this happen?

Not tonight, satan!

- [crowd groans] - oww...

Lidia: We're here today to celebrate the life

Of a woman we all loved.

A complicated woman, a delightful woman,

A woman who was just beginning to discover who she really was.

Gone too soon,

From shame-related injuries

Sustained in a tragic karaoke accident.

[sighs]

Who was lidia bennett and what did she accomplish

In her short 42 years on this pale blue dot?

Nothing of note after she let new york,

If we're being honest.

But we're probably not being honest

Since we all have issues with that.

Judgey bitch.

Being self-critical isn't always a bad thing, lids.

It can be motivating.

You should try it sometime.

- [burps] I'm good. - Are you?

Because this whole lady lebowski shtick reeks of denial,

If denial smelled like b.O. Mixed with truffle honey.

Mm-hm!

Uh, in any case, lidia bennett is dead,

So... One of you needs to get in.

It's not gonna be me. I'm not getting in there.

No, I'm too buzzed to die.

I just had my roots done.

Uh, think of it as a nap you never have to wake up from.

Think of it as an alternative to botox.

[gasps]

I just started having good sex again!

Oh my god, when did we stop having good sex?

-Hey, poser. What is that, pleather?

-A little old for that shit...

Oh, I'm sorry, do you have a smoking hot biker

With rock-hard abs taking you for the ride of your life?

- I don't think so! - I have claustrophobia!

Why don't you chill, madison avenue?

Get in there, you bougie bitch!

I'm not getting in there!

Why don't you, uh, take those pointy stilettos

And shove 'em right up your ass?

- Take a shower! - Slob!

- Slacker! - Die, old lady!

["bad side of the moon" by April wine playing]

? this is my life, my life

? this is my life, this is my life ?

? this is my life, my life

?

[seagulls calling]

?

?

?

[seagulls calling]

[sound of coffee pouring]

Oxford, you're alive!

- Barely! - [laughs]

-Um, thanks for having me.

-Wait, wait, wait, wait, where are you going?

I thought we had fun.

Yeah, I...

We did.

Um, I did.

Oh, I know.

- I was there. - [chuckles]

Yes, you were!

Um, but I really should get going.

Right.

If your boss finds out you've been

Fraternizing with the enemy...

Well, at least stay for a coffee.

Barista much?

Well, life's too short to drink caffeinated mud water.

How do you take it?

Cream.

- Huh. - Yeah, just a splash.

Yeah, I had you pegged as an oat milk kind of guy.

Almond in a pinch.

But I also thought you were harry styles until last night.

[laughs]

Well, you know, I'm black, and, uh,

The accent was terrible, so if you did, that's on you.

- I blame the rum. - Oh, yeah?

Hey, so, um...

That crazy drunk blonde chick,

Hashtag "crowdsurfingfail"...

You know her?

Sort of...

Do you think you could, uh... Make an introduction?

She's got exactly what I need.

Confidence to wear a bathrobe in public?

Taste.

Look, I couldn't put my finger on why my concept sucked

Or how to fix it until that crazy lady in the bathrobe

Waved her magic sharpie.

That chick's a bad-ass.

She's something!

So do you think she's available?

Um, I actually...

I think she's on... Sabbatical or something.

Codeword for "unemployed"?

Sweet!

Could you, uh, put in a good word, talk me up?

As you know, I'm a lot of fun.

?

Holy shit.

Better than sex.

Not even close.

?

Nora: [murmuring] and this...

Where the... Is my...?

It's 9 am. Who died?

What?

-Or am I dead and this is heaven?

You're actually picking clothes up off the floor.

Oh!

-I could murder you, if that would help clarify.

It's lidia's birthday.

I'm surprising her with a day at the spa.

You're taking lidia to the spa?

Yeah, and rhian.

[laughs] oh!

Okay, I am definitely in an alternate reality, then.

And it is the perfect set-up for my first episode

Of my podcast on lidia's, uh, mid-life crisis.

"feuding sisters drown each other in a hot tub."

It's true crime meets family drama...

There's something for everyone!

Ah! Yes! Okay.

Now I thought we were going for brunch.

Shit, I forgot.

Uh, dinner?

- Nah, I got a shift. - Can't you just call it in?

Trade shifts with della or something?

I can't just skip work, nora.

I'm sure that runaway ostrich will be okay

For a few more hours.

Oh, you're criticizing my job?

You want to capitalize off of lidia's breakdown.

-I'm going to tell her, eventually.

I just, I don't...

I don't want to... Compromise the integrity of...

Integrity, yeah, that's a good word.

You know what else is a good word?

Eat me!

Mature.

I'm getting a shower.

Are we fighting now?

Is this a fight?

Oh, come on, terr, I was just kidding about the ostrich thing!

Sort of.

[knocking]

Rhian: Can I help you?

Oh, hey.

Banging party last night.

No refunds. That cheque is cashed and spent,

And the moonshine's not liable

For my sister's batshit behaviour.

She's gone off the deep end.

[chuckles] I'll swim in that pool any day.

What does that even mean?

You want to go swimming with my sister?

-Just, uh, do me a solid and give this to her for me?

Sure.

I'll do you a solid.

Gracias, amiga.

Wes: Beauty day, huh?

?

[loud crunching]

[radio plays quietly in the background]

Nora: Forty-two, huh? This year's been pretty insane.

-Well, craziest of my life by far,

And that's including the year I took up perineum sunning.

- Perineum, isn't that your... - my asshole?

Yeah. I burnt it.

Found out the hard way there's a reason

It's where the sun don't shine.

-Have you ever, um, considered sharing

All that lived experience?

Well, the beauty of living in a small town...

No witnesses!

Pass the ketchup.

It's actually been a relief, imploding in total obscurity.

- Why? - Oh, no reason.

I thought I remembered you saying one of your life goals

Was to give a ted talk some day.

That sounds like me! The old me.

Current me is happy to just talk to ted,

The guy who made this delicious breakfast burrito

With extra bacon... 'cause it's my birthday!

About that, I have something planned.

-Oh, that's really sweet,

But I'm not really in the mood to celebrate this year.

My big plan consists of finishing this burrito

And then sleeping till it's not my birthday anymore.

So what I'm hearing is that you want to relax.

Um, something restorative?

Rhian: Ani? Hi, it's me.

Uh, call me back.

Those beers are going on your tab.

- But it's my birthday! - Big whoop.

Get back to me when you have a business to save,

A hotel to sabotage, and two infants to keep alive

With a miracle fluid that you make with your body.

Nora: Hey, you sound stressed, rhian.

When was the last time you just took some time for yourself?

-October 2011.

I took a day course on how to properly gut and clean trout.

- Ugh. - Well, it is high time

For another break, and since it is lidia's birthday

I am taking you both for a day of rest and relaxation

At lo�fga!

-Lo�fga? What the hell is that?

Sounds like a dresser from ikea.

It is a scandinavian spa in chester

That I am treating you both to.

Surprise!

It's sister spa day, bitches!

[snapping fingers]

?

?

Rhian: You've gotta think of solo parenting like war.

Except instead of battling a foreign enemy,

You're battling crippling exhaustion, self-doubt,

And fecal matter.

This is the journal

Where I record everything that they do,

And I mean everything.

Poop, pee, and everything in between.

What's in between poop and pee?

Oh, here. I made a legend.

How long are you going for?

Not that it matters.

You could stay overnight, for all I care.

You're not, are you?

I will be home by 5.

There is enough breast milk in the freezer for the apocalypse,

And if shit really hits the fan, dad's around.

He has experience with twins.

I'll be fine.

You go on and have fun.

I'll be fine.

-Are you sure you can handle this?

Because I don't have to go.

Although the thought of peeing without two babies

Strapped to me sounds like a five-star vacation.

I got this.

Journal, zombie breast milk, fecal matter.

Now scram.

I don't want you back before 5, or else.

- Okay? - Thank you.

Okay, go. Go, go, go!

Goodbye!

Say, "bye-bye, mommy!"

Bye, mommy!

Bye-bye, mommy...

?

They have you raking seaweed, too?

Nope, seaweed management is just a passion of mine.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Uh, what are you doing here?

I'm looking for you.

We just saw each other two hours ago.

Hmm, felt longer.

Says the one not raking seaweed.

[chuckles]

Can you escape this afternoon

Or will this make or break the moonshine?

Um...

You know what?

- I'm in. - Yeah?

Yeah. Let's go!

- Right now? - Yeah, let's go.

Right now.

Oh, you are so obsessed with me!

Hey, come on, slow down!

[calm ambient music]

Woman: Welcome to lo�fga. Enjoy your stay.

Operation nyc mommy goes bad

Slash find a better podcast title commence.

Okay, this is nora finley-cullen outside a touchy-feely

Faux-scando spa in the middle of the canadian wilderness.

The smell?

Uh, chlorine, eucalyptus, and tears!

I hope.

Hello.

Uh, you know I love a good spa day

As much as the next person,

If the next person is someone who loves spa days,

But why the sudden interest in self-care?

Yeah. Like, what is going on, nora?

This is the most un-you place I've ever seen.

Spa worker: Excuse me.

Okay. Alexis, hi.

We're gonna be talking a lot because I haven't been around

Other adults in four months and this is my one afternoon off

So maybe now is a good time for you to take your "namaste"

And shove it up your ass!

Nora: Listen, can't a sister do something special

For her sister on her birthday...

With her other sister?

Lidia: We don't exactly come from a long line

Of big birthday celebrations.

Mom used to take us to bridgewater mall

And tell us it was disneyland.

-Yeah, and the rat in the food court was mickey mouse.

-Spas are your thing.

I thought this was the perfect present.

I thought I was being super thoughtful.

-Well, I appreciate your thoughtfulness,

But that was the old lidia!

The new lidia is no frills, low maintenance!

She's not saving things, fixing things.

She definitely does not need a... Pfft!

Natural sugar scrub, aloe eye treatment, or...

Oh, a dead sea mud wrap? I am a sucker for a mud wrap.

Holy shitballs!

$275 to get wet dirt smeared on your skin?

- Mm-hm. - We could have mud wraps.

Moonshine's got mud for days.

Shit, I think I forgot my swimsuit.

Oh, hey... I brought extra.

Matches mine.

Catch!

Thanks?

?

This is your fault.

That is something.

?

[babies fussing]

He didn't seem in his right mind last night.

Now this.

Ryan: I looked better when I checked into rehab...

For the third time.

Raising children can break the strongest man.

I remember when I got burnt out from looking after you guys,

I needed some spirit healing.

I'd find a quiet, zen spot.

Meditate.

Get blotto on weed.

[laughs]

So who'd watch us?

I'd still look after you, just baked out of my gourd.

- Hmm. - I miss the old weed.

Back in the day, you could smoke a whole joint by yourself

And just sail away.

What were we talking about?

Gettin' baked.

And oscar!

- Right! - [babies crying]

Oscar: Go to sleep...

- Ken: Poor bastard. - Oscar: Go to sleep...

Go to sleep little twins...

Hey there, son.

How you doing?

It might help to talk about how you feel.

Or we could just have a cold one in silence.

It's up to you.

You ever felt like you didn't know who you were anymore?

Then you realize, maybe you never did.

Oscar wallace is my third name change.

Yeah!

Ryan: Oh...!

We might be able to help you!

I will do anything!

Just please don't tell rhian.

She's already got a lot on her plate.

I don't want to burden her.

I've just gotta fix myself...

Whichever myself that is.

When we're done, you'll know who you are,

Once and for all.

Okay!

?

[calm ambient music]

Rhian: Oh my god, this feels amazing.

- I haven't had a bath since... - November 1999?

Since the twins were born.

Showering isn't really an option, either.

- Ahh! - How do you not stink?

Gimme 30 seconds with a washcloth

And I'm fresh as a daisy!

If a daisy smelled slightly of three-day-old breast milk.

You did shower before you got in here, though...

...Yes?

I didn't!

- Neither did I! - [laughter]

Rhian: Oh, I for one am loving this new lidia.

I hope she's here to stay.

- Thank you, rhian. - The balance has been restored.

It's like in the matriarchal society of the bonobo in congo,

There can never be two alpha females in the same troop

Or they will rip each other's eyes out!

Right!

Like...

Uh, is it like when, um... Lidia came back to foxton

For the first time and inherited half the moonshine

And then she tried to take over goddess fest?

Like... But like that?

-Oh, you mean the event where I found out that you were

Screwing my husband, which led to a goat eating my ring finger?

Lidia: Whoa, that was brutal.

Makes my hijacking an 18-wheeler seem like child's play!

You're the one who should be wearing a police monitor, nor!

On your vag!

[laughter]

It's called a chastity belt, ya slut!

[laughter]

Rhian: Come here! Yeah!

Ken: Behold, the hyphening!

The what-ening?

You may not believe it, but there used to be a lot of

Infighting in this family.

-Used to? Ha!

-What dad means is the finleys used to fight the cullens.

It was two families sandwiched together,

And that sandwich tasted a lot like dirt and punching.

When the kids were in middle school,

The fighting got so bad that bea and I decided

We had to do something to unite us,

So we hyphenated our names

And let the kids come up with rituals to commemorate it.

Rhian came up with the first ritual,

Which was also our family motto:

"nobody messes with a finley-cullen

"except a finley-cullen."

- [grunting] - ow!

Ken: Basically, we let the kids beat the shit out of each other

With sticks until they passed out.

-Okay, time out!

- Time out! - Man: Come on!

Can I use the restroom?

One more shot to the kidney and I might pee myself.

It's not customary...

But I'll allow it.

Thank you!

[mimicking] "it's not customary, but I'll allow it!"

Ahh! For the birthday girl.

Thank you, rhian.

Um, I don't get one?

You have hands. And all ten fingers!

Nora: Speaking of water,

Do you remember when rhian saran-wrapped the toilet seat

So that when you peed it went all over

Your new platform skechers for back to school?

Funny, in retrospect.

Rhian: You seem hyper-focused on the past, nora,

And frankly, I think I speak for everyone here

When I say your negativity is a bummer.

Lidia: Yeah, nor.

Do you need to take a minute alone?

Maybe go sage yourself in the cleansing yurt?

Rhian: The yurt's gonna need the cleansing

After she's been in it. Am I right?

What!

I don't need sage, I need tobacco.

Do you want subtitles for any video? -=[ ai.OpenSubtitles.com ]=-

Fine, fine, it's out.

It's out! Okay?

You're nora finley-cullen, right?

Yes, I am nora from milk crate confessionals.

Right. Can I get a selfie?

Sure.

Ah, I don't have my phone on me.

Uh, would you mind?

Oh, uh... [chuckles awkwardly]

Okay. Anything for a fan!

I'm not a fan.

[camera shutter clicks]

Uh, okay?

Do you want me to text this to you or...?

-No. You can text it to terry.

And tell him nancy says hi.

?

Not to be negative, but that...

That was weird, right?

Yup.

That was weird.

So what if terry did cheat on me?

I was gone for ten months.

He has needs.

You don't care that he might have had sex with someone else?

That's something you could get over?

Meh, it's just sex.

Unless it's not.

What if he's in love with her?

Her name is nancy. I'm not worried.

And we don't even know that he actually cheated yet, so...

-God...

It just occurred to me that we've all been cheated on.

Daniel did it to me with marcy, terry did it to rhian with nora,

And now terry's maybe doing it to nora with nancy.

I mean, what is it about us that makes men...

More specifically terry... think they can cheat on us?

Our relationships were beyond saving.

Nora and terry seemed like they had a good thing going.

I mean, don't you? How's your sex life?

- I... - [moaning in distance]

Not as good as that guy's...

Rhian: Oh, man.

Someone got the handsy masseuse.

Go for it.

I won't tell.

Rhian: Ohh, yes!

Mama could get used to this!

Ahh!

It's good to see you relaxing.

-Ahh.

Well, now that mom's run off and joined the circus

And you've given up, a real weight's been lifted.

-It's not that I've... Given up, per se.

I'm pivoting.

Rhian: You and I have traded places.

Rhian has a man, lidia has no man.

Rhian has two beautiful babies who depend on her,

Lidia has two teenage heathens who want nothing to do with her.

Rhian is running an empire, and lidia is an unemployed felon

Squatting in a broken-down trailer!

Just because I've chosen to simplify my life

And become less goal-oriented,

It doesn't mean I'm not gonna crush it.

In a non-competitive sense.

Nora: Criticism that you're feeling, you know,

Coming directly from your own sister,

- How does that make you feel? - Criticism?

I just said I was in complete support of her new lifestyle.

-And what's with the psychobabble?

Since when do you care how anyone else is feeling?

-Let's not deflect. This is not about me, okay?

This is about your strained relationship with rhian

And what we can do today to heal,

So let's just have the difficult conversations.

Let's get messy, ladies!

Um, I'm good!

Lids?

Yeah. Aces.

Wes: Ohh!

Oh, yeah... Ooh...

Yeah... okay, you win.

This definitely beats raking seaweed.

Yeah, well, you seemed tense this morning.

And I'm stressing over the build

So I thought we could both use a massage.

Ooh!

Wes, were we actually supposed to take off our underwear?

Well, I don't wear any, so for me it was a no-brainer.

Oh, yeah, right there! I got a knot or something...

I'm sorry if I'm being weird.

This is just my first massage.

- Really? - Yeah.

Just relax. Try to enjoy it.

You don't have to do anything. Okay?

Oh, not you.

Sorry, no, um, you can actually go harder.

Oof!

Jesus!

I can't get over the kismet bomb of last night, you know?

I mean, a world-class architect from new york

Just happens to live next door.

Feels like a sign, like it's meant to be, right?

Uh, yeah.

Well, not everyone around here is as psyched about this

New resort being built as you are.

Oh, they will be once they understand

What I'm trying to do.

I mean, more local business means more local income.

Wesworld puts foxton on the map,

And then, boom, it's a destination overnight.

The property value? It's gonna skyrocket.

The community's gonna profit big time.

It'll be fine.

That all sounds great in theory, but I dunno...

I guess I'm just being protective of the moonshine.

You're acting like it's your family business or something.

[laughs] I-I know.

You know, my dad's giving me one shot to do this my way,

So I've gotta get it right.

You know how it is with fathers and sons,

They expect too much from you

And then laugh at you when you fail.

My dad's actually pretty supportive.

Almost radically hands-off.

[laughs] really?

Must be nice.

I dunno, I always feel like I'm caught between what I want

And disappointing my family, you know?

Yeah, I think I do.

Oh-ho-ho!

?

?

?

?

What is this?

Looks like a freebie from medieval times.

It was, but it also doubles

As the finley-cullen chalice of understanding.

My idea.

We literally had the kids drink the kool-aid.

Instead of a ritualistic mass suicide,

It was to commit to being a finley-cullen.

I used to put real moonshine in it back in the day,

But it's the blue kool-aid that's the magic part.

Drink up, brother!

Alright...

Ugh.

?

?

Oh. [burps]

How do you feel?

A little sore from the beating.

- Ritual. - Right, ritual.

And, uh, like I have to pee again, but other than that,

Pretty much the same as I did this morning.

Uh, but I really want to thank you guys for trying to help me.

It really does mean a lot.

We are not done yet!

Time to get reborn.

[calm ambient music]

That, uh, looks refreshing.

[chuckles] icy.

-[chuckles]

I have to tell you something.

Um...

Maybe I should have told you earlier.

What, you don't like dave matthews band?

[laughs] not as much as you do.

But I don't think anyone does.

Um, it's about...

How much I love a good sauna!

Shall we?

Lidia: What is going on with you today?

And don't say it's the terry thing.

It's almost like you want rhian and I to fight.

-That's ridiculous. Why would I want that?

It's your birthday.

Oh, yes, it is my birthday,

And the first moment of self-care

I've had in over a year,

So I'd love to try to enjoy what's left of it.

Rhian: Some bitch just tried to take the last cucumber water

So I wrestled her to the ground for it.

Frickin' love the spa! Never felt so zen!

Lidia: You know what?

I'm gonna take a little time out in the sauna.

Alone.

Ugh.

Huh... Hi, sammy.

Hey!

What are you doing here?

Uh, sweating?

You sprung for a spa day?

That's not like you.

Well, yeah, I mean, I just like wanted to treat myself

And, like, take some time to unwind.

-Oh... I guess oxford really did make you posh.

- What are you doing here? - I'm stalking you.

No, I'm just kidding. But I am glad to run into you.

Wait, so you guys do know each other?

Lidia: Yeah, we do. How... Do you know sammy?

Oh my god.

Our family's mortal enemy is mr. Relaxing afternoon?

Sammy: Yes, okay... yes. Alright, I-I...

Wes and I hooked up like a handful of times,

But I didn't know that he was like "wes" of wesworld.

And he didn't know that I'm not just a moonshine employee,

I'm a finley-cullen.

Um, and I know lidia very well because she is my sister.

[exhales in shock]

Technically his aunt. Long story.

Um, look, I was about to tell you but I-I just...

Lied about who you were?

Twice.

[exhales]

Lidia: Okay, uh,

Since we're in confession mode,

This is probably a good time for me to apologize

About last night.

I was, uh, really high,

And I'm pretty sure I said some terrible things.

True but terrible.

I still think your design sucks sober, but...

Sorry it sucks?

I actually agree with you.

You do?

Yeah, and I think you're the perfect person to un-suckify it.

Look, I did some light internet creeping and I dug up

Your old thesis paper on, um, biophilic design theory.

What? That's online now?

Wow, it's just been so long I can't even remember

- What I wrote. - I loved it.

You know, especially the part about, um,

Bio-mimicry as the...

Future of sustainable design? Or something.

I don't know. I can't remember!

-Look, it's exactly in line with what I'm thinking,

Which is why I made you that offer, to help me, you know,

Redesign my resort from scratch.

What? When?

This morning.

- Didn't you get my note? - No.

I left it with, um, rhian?

- Sammy: Oh, god. - Wes: Intense, clipboard.

She said she'd make sure you got it.

Mm-hm, mm-hm.

I'm so flattered, I just need a sec, uh, to circle back.

I'm just gonna go grab some more, um, cucumber water.

You got two glasses right there.

Oh, that's... oh, ah!

[sizzling]

[door slams]

Rhian: Hey, sis. Feeling refreshed?

-Did wes give you a note for me?

I can't remember. My mom brains... Pssh!

Can't even think of the word because my mom brain.

Bullshit.

- You didn't tell me on purpose. - Because he's our nemesis.

What does it matter, anyway?

I mean, you wouldn't have taken the job.

Wait... Would you have?

-No, of course not!

But still, this is a high-profile job, okay?

Maybe the most important offer I've gotten in two decades.

This is the kind of job that could get me

My own magazine cover!

-Oh, lidia, lidia, lidia...

Perfect magazine cover lidia!

You're never gonna be on the cover of a magazine again

Unless it's the foxton gazette for public indecency.

- [gasps] - your perfect life is poof,

So just let it go!

And for the love of god, stop fighting it!

Ha!

Oh, you would love that, wouldn't you?

If I just slunk off into the darkness.

That way you're the only one in the sun.

This was never about being happy for me,

This was always about you.

Would that be so terrible?

For once, to let it be about me?

To let me have something that you don't?

For you to live in my shadow?

Oh, please, like I've never done that.

You don't even want what I have.

You just can't handle that I have something you don't!

- Alexis: [clears throat] - both: Piss off!

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["free bird" by lynyrd skynyrd playing]

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A giant vagina?

It's a vulva, son.

A common mistake.

Now, the vulva is all part of the external female genitalia.

The inner and outer labia and the clitoris.

Whereas the vagina is all part of the internal

Female reproductive organs.

It's so... Pink.

Ken: It's an anatomically correct vulva.

Made out of a kiddie pool, some old raincoats,

And a slip 'n slide, held together with hot glue...

-A lot of packing tape...

And the spirit of transformation.

Plus it doubled as a sex talk.

- Oh, yeah! - Oscar: Cool.

[laughs nervously] but, um...

What am I supposed to do with it?

Am I supposed to fu...

- Both: No, no, no, no, no! - Get reborn, bro!

You're gonna jump onto that slip 'n slide,

Go down the birth canal, and squirt yourself out!

And when you come through the labia,

You scream out your new name to complete your metamorphosis

Into a finley-cullen!

No take-backsies.

Oscar: I'll be honest with you guys.

I haven't felt worthy of being inside a vagina...

Uh, vulva, lately.

Today? Today I feel inspired.

I... I think I can do this!

Hell yeah, you can!

Yeah! [grunts] alright!

Woo!

Ryan: Let's do this. Come on, oscar!

Oscar: Rawr!

? and this bird you cannot change ?

? oh, oh, oh, oh,

? and the bird you cannot change ?

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[squeaky thud]

Ken: Oscar?

Oscar: How do I get out of here? Come on!

I think it's sealed shut.

The plastic must have melted together after all those years

Of sitting in the shed.

Oscar: Oh, so sticky! [punches and thuds]

Oscar: I can't breathe!

Ryan: You can do it, buddy.

Oscar: I think I'm having a panic attack!

Help, help! [panicking]

- [quiet groan] - oscar?

Ryan: Hey, buddy?

- This is not good. - No.

- Oscar? - Buddy!

Get something to cut it open!

-Gah!

Ken: Oscar?

Oscar!

Get his hand.

[straining loudly]

Oscar?

- He's unconscious. - Yeah.

- Roll him over. - Okay.

Alright, hit him, hit him!

- [loud smacks] - [coughing]

- Ah! - Oh!

Let's get him in the house and warm him up.

- Yeah. - [crying]

Ryan: Okay, come on, buddy.

Oscar: [groaning]

Why'd you make me do that?

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Lidia: What I'm doing is a lifestyle choice.

Rhian: Oh, is it?

Or is it just the latest season of the

"look at me, I'm lidia, I'm special" show?

This season, she smokes weed every day

And wears a dirty bathrobe to get attention!

-I do not! You know what, fine, I do,

But it's not for attention, it's for my mental health.

- It's medicinal! - You haven't changed.

No matter what I do or how much I achieve,

You will always think that you're better than me,

Even with smelly hair and monster toenails.

Come on! That's not true.

Have you looked at your toes lately?

They're gnarly.

Fine, my toenails are a mess, and so am I.

I lied, okay?

I'm lost.

The reason I'm not doing anything right now

Is because I don't know what to do next.

Maybe start with a pedicure.

-I don't have the energy to reinvent myself one more time!

Just the thought of it makes me want to give up!

I think the winter really took a toll on me.

-I'm sorry, the winter took a toll on you?!

I was all alone in that trailer!

There was so much snow.

[whining] I didn't have netflix!

Snow? Are you even canadian?!

You know what, rhian?

I envy you.

You may be a borderline narcissist,

But you always know what you want and you go after it.

You never falter.

I mean, I would kill for that kind of certainty.

You think I'm a narcissist?

-Yes, but in a good way.

Like gwyneth paltrow, but poor.

- You really mean that? - [chuckles]

Are you recording this?

No?

Um... Maybe a little.

Um, okay, this was gonna be another birthday surprise,

But you caught me, so...

Surprise!

You are the lucky subject of my new podcast.

Happy birthday.

Seriously?

Well... what?

No, I-I thought you'd be psyched!

You didn't want to treat me to a day of self-care!

You dragged me here under false pretences so you could record me

At my lowest wearing a hideous speedo!

I love this suit!

Fine, I may be using you for inspiration,

But only because I need juice!

I need drama!

I want my next show to be about something,

And what is juicier than the tale of a woman

Who shitcans her life and then has a chance to reinvent?

Cool, so you want to exploit my mental breakdown

For money and fame?

You are gonna be a feminist icon.

Why is lidia the star? Oh my god, exploit me!

Like, I've got way more going on right now...

And I'm a narcissist!

Oh my god!

If nora thinks I'm the more interesting subject

For her podcast, why can't you just be happy for me?

We are not in competition with each other!

Which is lucky for you because you will always lose!

[screaming]

Get in there! You're a wimp!

Nora: Okay. Well, they're back, folks!

- Okay... - [screaming and grunting]

- [splash] - bitch!

I had one more payment!

Are you kidding?!

[all screaming]

[sighs]

Well, I hope you enjoyed my birthday,

'cause we're probably banned from the spa for life.

We are banned.

That namaste nazi literally screamed it as we left.

Hmm, worth it.

I feel...

Ahh! Strangely invigorated.

More like myself.

Well, nothing reminds you more of who you are

Than smelling your sister's armpit.

Lidia: Hmm!

Hey, I know you haven't felt on your game lately,

But the annoying lidia we love to hate will rise again.

She always does.

Thanks, rhian.

As long as you don't take that job.

Duh! Of course I won't.

You're doing amazing at the whole working mom thing,

By the way.

Duh! Of course I am.

Lidia: [chuckles]

And your skin looks amazing!

-Yours, too!

How about my skin?

That's so weird. Did you hear something?

- No. - Yeah, me neither.

Hmm!

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Mm... Uh-uh.

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[text notification]

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Rhian: And so, nothing out of the ordinary?

It was pretty uneventful.

Good!

I had an awesome day, too.

- You're glowing. - It's probably the sugar scrub.

Or maybe the slap fight.

Who knew an old-school scrapping was all I needed

- To feel rejuvenated? - Hmm?

I mean, I still have to figure out a way to stop this

New build, but I'm way less stressed about it.

Sometimes you just need a day away

To get some perspective, you know?

Would you ever cheat on me?

What?

God, no.

That's what I thought.

Just checking.

Who's got the time or energy to cheat?

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Lidia: Don't worry,

I didn't tell anyone about you and wes.

-Hmm, thanks, but...

I actually came here for advice.

From me?

I'm flattered.

Well, you're technically the only one who knows about us.

- [chuckles] - so...

I really like this guy.

And I think I want to keep seeing him.

Is that... Crazy?

Uh...

Well, I-I don't really know what's crazy anymore,

But I think you deserve to be happy.

I do, too.

Well, that is if he can forgive me for lying to him.

- Twice. - Saint sammy.

It turns out you're just as screwed up as the rest of us.

- That's depressing. - [laughs]

Oh, I'm sure wes will be back at your door in no time.

That face, that smile!

- How could he resist? - Mmm...

I hope you're right!

'cause I really don't wanna let this go.

You know, for the record,

I don't think you should, either.

You mean the job offer?

Could be a game-changer.

Oh.

You know, technically, it's still your birthday.

- You wanna do something crazy? - [chuckles]

Drinks at the shore club? Make a few more mistakes?

[laughs] no! But thank you.

I think I've had enough excitement for one day.

-Okay, I tried.

- I love you. - I love you, too.

- Happy birthday. - Ohh, thank you.

You'll figure it out.

["I feel it all" by feist playing]

? I feel it all, I feel it all ?

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? I feel it all, I feel it all ?

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? the wings are wide, the wings are wide ?

? wild card in sight, wild card in sight ?

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? ooh, I'll be the one who'll break my heart ?

? I'll be the one to hold the gun ?

? I know more than I knew before ?

? I know more than I knew before ?

? I didn't rest, I didn't stop ?

? did we fight or did we talk? ?

? ooh, I'll be the one who'll break my heart ?

? I'll be the one to hold the gun ?

? I love you more...

? I love you more

? I don't know what I knew before ?

? oh, oh, oh!

[puff of breath echoes and fades]

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