Original subtitles

WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

1 Ugh, this line is taking so long.

People should know what they want

- before they order. - WOMAN: Next.

Oh... what do I want? What do I want?

- Ugh. - What is "co-ffee"?

Ugh, this place is so bougie.

Lavender-infused maggots? Like, really?

[GASPS] Damn.

Okay, that's really good.

[TROMBONE PLAYS]

Fellow Boomtownians, not only am I a successful businessman,

I am also a patron of the arts.

Which is why every summer I direct a production

from the Great Bard himself.

I speak of none other than Jim Carrey.

Jim!

Mm, wow. Interesting.

As you all know, last year we had a runaway success

with our production of "The Green One."

"How the Grinch Stole Christmas?"

- No. - Was it "Batman Forever,"

the one where he played the Riddler?

No. "The Mask."

Huh, guess I didn't realize how many movies he was green in.

It's kind of crazy when you think about it.

Anyway, this year, I have selected

Mr. Carrey's magnum opus...

"ACE VENTURA: Pet Detective: Part Un."

Auditions will start tomorrow,

and yes, there will be full-frontal nudity.

- Mom, did you hear that? - What?

Oh, my God, someone ate all of the samples.

Who did that? I'm sorry, ma'am.

Whoever did that is rude.

We should go. Go, go, go.

Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.MY-SUBS.com

So excited for friends weekend.

We haven't had quality hang time in forever.

I know. I found the cutest fallout shelter.

They still have the original scratch marks

from when the inhabitants

were escaping a radiation leak.

Oh, my God, cu-u-u-u-te.

Okay, ready.

I didn't know what to pack, so I just brought everything I own.

Oh, I didn't realize Sid was coming.

If this is supposed to be just a friends thing,

I'm totally happy to sit out.

I mean, if that's what you want,

then I am totally fine with that.

You guys are ridiculous!

You're my two favorite people in the world.

We're gonna have a blast together!

Ugh, great. Great.

- Let's go. - SCRAPS: Mommy, you can't leave!

Remember, you told me you'd take me to the audition.

I'll be going out for the role of Ace.

Oh, shoot, I forgot about that.

Sorry, but we're leaving right now.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

[GRUNTS]

Ple-e-e-e-e-ase!

I promise I'll never ask you

for anything ever again in my entire life. Please.

[SIGHS] Fine.

[GIGGLING]

So what, I'm just driving alone with Sid?

Awesome start to friends weekend.

Hmm?

Are you sure that I should go?

I really get the impression Tai does not like me.

Are you kidding? Tai loves you!

He just has a super sarcastic sense of humor,

but you'll get used to it.

Come on, you fugly-ass bitch.

[LAUGHS] You are too much.

Ah, you got me.

Fugly as charged.

Alrighty then.

That was great. We'll let you know.

Hard pass.

Hello. Hey, there. How you doing?

You doing good? I am doing great.

Um, I won't be needing this.

You ready to make some magic?

Whenever you're ready.

Bla-bla-bla. Okay. [CLEARS THROAT]

[IMITATES DOG WHINING]

- What are you doing? - Oh, uh, sorry.

I'm auditioning for the pet detective.

This is a show about a-a dog who... who solves crimes, right?

No, it's about a human who finds missing pets.

No. Uh, okay.

Not what I rehearsed, but... [CLEARS THROAT]

Hey, I can be a human man.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Woof! No.

Uh, human man, human man, human man, human man.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[MUMBLES IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]

[NORMAL VOICE] Sorry, one second.

One second, one second, one second.

Hey! What the hell are you doing on my car?!

Sorry, there wasn't anywhere else to sit.

I'll just be a minute.

Move it, lady! Now!

I said... "I'll just be a minute."

Now, are you gonna be nice?

Or are you gonna make me smack around

those big old titties

and call you my sweet Georgia peach?

What the hell...

I'm a man. I'm a man.

This is a disaster.

No one we've seen has what it takes to play Ace.

We need someone with that raw passion, you know,

and the fire inside of them.

I will dropkick your soul straight to Hell!

Fee-fi-fo-fum!

You're crazy, lady!

Good luck cleaning my barf off your windshield

without wipers, asshole!

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

What is wrong with you?!

[RETCHING]

It's coming up!

Who is she? She's demented,

she's absolutely out of control, she's...

Perfect.

MAN: I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

I think we've found our Ace.

Plan "B," berry boy.

You're gonna wish I puked!

- Don't you do it! - Whoo!

SID: Well, here it is.

Isn't it adorable?

I'm gonna go say hi to everyone.

- You'll get the bags? - I mean, I...

I can, but don't you have, like, super-human...

strength?

Okay, Sid. You can do this.

Just do your best until Freya gets here.

Maybe Tai's friends will be nice.

Hey, everyone. I'm Sid. Nice to meet you...

all.

ALL: Oh, hey.

Ah, it's five identical Tais.

Perfect.

Okay, people, settle down!

This is "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.

Show some respect for the old masters.

Alright, let's take it from Ace's entrance.

And action.

Oh, Tom?

I'm sure he's fine.

Do not go in there.

Whoo.

Eh... that's a good start.

Maybe a smidge stiff.

This play doesn't even make any sense.

If he's supposed to be undercover, then why is he busting in,

telling everyone about his big poop?

You're looking at it all wrong.

Ace Ventura is a dark tragedy

about a deeply disturbed individual.

It's a meditation on man's animalistic nature,

the Jungian concept of shadow self,

not to mention a scathing indictment of brain injuries

in professional football.

Huh, that's actually kind of deep.

Just give it one more try.

Shall we?

Whenever you're ready.

Oh, Tom?

I'm sure he's fine.

Do not go in there!

Whooo!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

That's my Ace.

♪

Ooh, getting a nice head high from this one.

[MAGNET WARBLING]

I heard TI-120

slid into TI-2000's DMs during CyberFest.

Wait, I thought TI-120 was with TI-167.

Oh, he is.

- Oooooh! - What a ho!

Morning, gents! Um, so, I've been doing

some research on activities in the area and turns out

there is an old, unexploded atom bomb

not far from here called "The Dud."

Uh, does anyone feel up for a sort of medium-difficulty hike?

[LAUGHTER]

Is that a fanny pack?

What a dipshit.

- Stop! - This is fun.

Getting hard-core roasted by five identical Tais.

Sorry, guys, uh, Freya made me bring him.

Speaking of which, she should be here by now.

- FREYA: Hey! - Hey, bitch!

- You close? - Oh, my God, Tai.

So I took Scraps to that audition, and guess what?

I got the lead! [SQUEALS]

That is great.

We'll celebrate when you get here.

Yeah, about that.

We open tonight, and I still have to practice my big

Act Three talking-out-of-my-butt soliloquy.

So is it cool if I maybe skip friends weekend?

Oh, so, um, you're not coming at all?

[METAL CREAKS, POPS, HISSES]

- Yeah, no, that's cool. - Really?

You promise you're not mad at me?

No, no.

You do you, girl. I'm good.

Oh, thanks, Tai. You're the best.

I hope you guys are having a blast.

- Bye-e-e-e-e. - Bye-e-e-e.

Hey, man, are you okay?

Do you wanna... Do you wanna talk?

What's there to talk about?

I don't care if Freya comes or not.

I came here to party. Pass me the magnet.

[MAGNET WARBLING]

Oh, take it easy.

[WARBLING CONTINUES]

[PLUNK!]

[STATIC]

I'm pinwheeling, baby!

- Whoo! - Yeah, America!

Maybe I'll give you a call sometime, lieutenant.

Your number still 911?

Alrighty then.

- How was that? - Yeah, it was good.

Just like the last 25 times.

Good's not enough, it needs to be perfect.

Alrighty then. Alrighty then.

Alrighty then!

Gah! Why can't I get this?!

Oh, hey, look, maybe we should just take a break, alright?

You've been going non-stop.

I mean, you haven't eaten, you haven't slept.

I'm really starting to worry about you.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

I see what you're doing.

- You're trying to sabotage me. - What?

You're jealous that I got the role and you didn't.

I'm the big star, and it's killing you inside.

Whoa, okay, look, maybe I was a little bummed at first,

but I'm genuinely trying to help you.

Well, don't! You don't understand us!

Nobody understands us! Ugh!

Us?

Hey, guys. Have you seen Tai?

I mean TI-90?

Never mind, I'll find him myself.

SID: Tai? Tai?

Wha... What are you doing?

I'm landlining.

I'm about to put a billion gigs straight to my dome.

[GROANS] Oh, shit, oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

[FAX MACHINE NOISES]

Oh, no, no, no. I do not like those noises.

Okay, I think you've had enough.

Back off!

What is your problem?

Why are you always such a dick to me?

I'll tell you why.

Because you sabotaged my friendship with Freya

and stole her for yourself!

Everything was better before you came along.

I should have done this a long time ago.

Whoa! Whoa! Aah! Aah!

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

Tai!

[STATIC]

Goodbye.

TI-95: Oh, God.

He's dead.

He's [BLEEP] dead!

ALL: Aaah!

That's not how Dan Marino holds a football!

He holds it like this!

Laces up!

Bill, have you gained weight?

You're supposed to be the Miami Dolphin,

not the Miami Beluga Whale.

And has anybody seen my Ace?!

[PANTING] Mr. Rubinstein!

What is it, boy?

It's Freya. She's not acting like herself.

She's speaking in weird voices

and just acting like a crazy person.

Oh, no. It's happening.

What's happening?

It's been said that the character of Ace Ventura

is so dark, so deeply twisted,

that it has the potential to infect the mind of anyone

who inhabits his deranged world view for too long.

It happened to my first Ace,

and it made her mentally insane forever.

It also happened to my second Ace.

Actually, it's happened to all of my Aces,

now that I think about it.

I just feel like that's information you should have told us earlier.

- There's not much time! Take me to her! - I'm sorry.

Hello?

Freya?

Freya's not here anymore.

There is only... Ace!

Mommy, no!

Um, hey, Ace.

You think we could, uh,

maybe talk with Freya for a second?

Freya's never coming back.

She was a la-hoo-sa-her.

She's too far gone.

We're gonna have to take her down.

- Go! - Yah!

Aah!

No! You're la-hoo-sa-hers!

You're all la-hoo-sa-hers!

[STRAINING]

[GROANING]

What's going on?

Mr. Rubinstein says that I need

to keep you tied up to protect you.

- But the play is starting! - I know.

Don't worry, they have an understudy.

What? Who?

Snowflake is missing!

Who can find him?

♪

MORRIS: Um...

[WHISPERS] Help. I forgot all my lines.

All of them?

Yes!

Scraps, you have to let me go, please.

This play means everything to me!

I'm sorry, Mommy, but Mr. Rubinstein

says if I let you anywhere near that stage,

you risk turning into Ace Ventura forever.

Would you let me go for a snausage?

Oh, my God,

snausages are so mouth-wateringly delicious.

[SIGHS]

But no. I made a promise to protect you,

and there's nothing you can say

that can make me break my word.

- Two snausages? - Instant yes.

Come on, Tai!

How are we doing with tech support?!

I'm still on hold!

No, I would not like to speak to an operator.

Get me a robot! A robot!

Did you try blowing into his butt?

- What? - Like this. [BLOWING]

No, no. I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm not gonna do that.

Hang on, this is a fallout shelter.

Which means they might have... Hang on.

Where are you going?

It's an ancient human trick for bringing electronics

back from the dead.

What is that?

It's rice.

♪

What do we do now?

We wait.

I'm having a full-blown panic attack

and you're all just staring at me.

You're allowing an innocent man to die!

Of course, that might not do any good.

You see, nobody's missing a porpoise.

It's a dolphin that's been taken.

You don't have to do this.

The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout,

cone-shaped teeth... It's not worth risking your life!

...and a serrated dorsal appendage.

[CROWD MURMURING]

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do this.

Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime.

Your number still 911?

Alrighty then!

[CROWD MURMURING]

[APPLAUSE]

[VOCALIZES]

♪

[VOCALIZES IN SLOW MOTION]

♪

[VOCALIZES IN SLOW MOTION]

Now let's see that in rewind.

[IMITATES REWINDING]

[CROWD LAUGHS]

♪ O sole mia ♪

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

- ♪ O sole mio ♪ - This is art.

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

Ree-hee-hee-hee-heeally?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Yes!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS]

[CLANKING]

[APPLAUSE FADES]

[CLICK]

[AUDIENCE GASPS, MURMURS]

Where'd she go?

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

Dear God, or whatever AI overlord

might be applicable here,

don't take Tai into your big cloud in the sky.

Bring him home to his charging station of origin.

Amen.

ALL: A-robot.

[GASPS]

[ALL CHUCKLE]

Easy, there. You're still booting up.

Did I... Did I lose my...

No, don't worry. All your tabs are still open.

Oh, okay.

I-I'm gonna read those someday.

I really am.

- Thanks, guys. - Thank Sid.

He's the one who saved you.

You did?

- I... - I thought you hated me.

I don't know why you thought that.

I've been trying really hard to be your friend.

Y... You're important to Freya, Tai,

which means you're important to me.

Ah, jeez. I'm sorry. I've been such a jerk to you.

I've been blaming you for the fact

that my friendship with Freya

isn't what it used to be, but it's not your fault.

And I hate to admit it,

but you're actually a pretty great guy.

Thank you. That means a lot.

Well, I still think you're a dipshit.

Oh, yeah. Dorky loser dipshit.

Yeah. Thanks, guys.

♪

Mommy! Are you out there?

Mommy!

Over there! On the cliff!

Freya, you don't have to listen to Ace!

You can fight it!

It's okay.

I'm just saying goodbye.

♪

Ace, you came to me when my life felt small and boring,

and you reminded me that there's still magic out there.

But I don't need you anymore.

I'll be...

alrighty then.

[SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYS]

Alrighty then.

♪

We can go home now.

Ahh, I knew you'd be okay.

I wasn't worried about you for a second.

Let's go. Come on.

♪

Guys, isn't it crazy that this nail is metal,

and we're metal?

We could've been this nail.

I would've made such a good nail.

You know what's a weird word?

- Robot. - Robot.

Whoa, that is weird.

Hey, guys?

You know how the only numbers are one and zero?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Well, what if there were other numbers?

I mean, there are other numbers.

Two, for example.

- Whoa. [LAUGHS] - Whoa.

Sid, you're, like, a genius.

Thanks, man.

I'm so [BLEEP] up.