Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

I can't believe in this climate

we're still calling you guys ladybugs.

- "Guys"? Really? - Educate me!

Not that it's your responsibility.

[sniffing] Where is it? Where is it?

- [grunts] - Honey, I can't find

- my Squeaky Pizza toy anywhere. - Jill threw Squeaky Pizza

into the construction dumpster next door

because Squeaky Pizza sounds like a dying rat's last fart.

That's why I loved him.

I'm coming for you, Squeaky Pizza!

[heroic music]

[grunts]

[sniffing]

? ?

There!

[toy squeaks] Aw!

Let's celebrate this reunion

with a traditional feast of whatever the hell this is.

[chomping]

[retching]

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

What am I gonna do with you?

Um, is anyone gonna eat that, or...

[upbeat rock music]

? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ?

? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ?

? ?

? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ?

? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ?

? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ?

- ? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ? - ? Meow, meow, meow, meow ?

- ? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ? - ? Meow, meow, meow, meow ?

- ? Ruff, ruff, ruff ? - ? Meow, meow, meow ?

- ? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ? - ? Meow, meow, meow, meow ?

[music crescendos]

? ?

A shock collar? Is that really necessary?

Normally I'd never advocate using pain to train an animal,

but he is literally eating himself to death.

Oh, he would love that.

? ?

- Blue Shirt! [barking] - Honey...

I don't know why, but I hate you so much.

I want to tear your throat out and taste your blood!

Die! [barking]

Whoo, what a rush! I love our dynamic.

This is for your own good, Chief-y.

Aw, Jill, you shouldn't have...

because you know I'm not a jewelry guy.

Why don't I get a new collar?

I just saved her life from that box-wielding maniac.

Meanwhile, she enables your bad behavior?

Ooh, speaking of...

[electricity sizzles] Oh! What the zap?

This new gecko at school knows I'm sensitive about my size,

but he just keeps poking me!

- How's it going, Pocket-sized? - Ugh.

- There's my Shrinky-dink. - Ugh.

All kidding aside, you're too small to love.

Aah!

I'm surprised you haven't just killed him.

I would, but I'm on strike three with Sheriff Cowboy.

He's the lizard the school animals elected sheriff.

It's times like this I really regret

being an antisocial loner.

- I know how you feel, Nibbles. - You do?

It's like with me and Kit Kat.

Segue accomplished. Now my thing.

My human, Stelios, gave Kit Kat a TikTok account.

[dance music]

It takes up all of Stelios' time...

making videos, uploading videos,

reuploading videos after videos are removed

for copyright infringement. I get no attention.

Losing the spotlight sounds painful, Tabs,

but I wouldn't know because I'm back in the acting game.

You are? [gasps] Are we on TV right now?

I landed a role in a major motion picture.

Well, actually, it was David Spade's audition.

He has finally reached the age

when comedians pivot to being grizzled action stars.

When I opened this bakery,

I said I was done

being the world's greatest assassin/lover.

- But then you kidnapped my family! - Yes!

This is the fresh take we need. A pig getting revenge.

I mean, it's totally wrong for the story,

but it will be huge overseas.

Aw, poor David. I mean, women are used

to having their jobs stolen by pigs, but not men.

- Hold for applause... - I thought he'd be upset,

but like Dave always says,

when life gives you lemons, you make lemon-Spade.

Sandoo, it's Spade.

Hey, can't join you in Bali for "Grown-Ups Three."

I'm dedicating my time

to managing my piggy's acting career.

And the honest truth? I never felt more alive!

We'll all make sure to see your movie

as soon as we learn how to do that.

I'll check every puddle I pass in case it's playing there.

Hey, Tabitha, thanks for having my back in there.

- You were in there? - You know, I can help you with Kit Kat.

You? Now that is something I would like to see.

Oh, you would?

[sinister music]

Uh, Honey?

Something strange is going on with my body.

Look.

[electricity sizzles] [groans]

Am I turning into lightning?

Is this what dance fever feels like?

Answering those questions will take rigorous testing.

You were right to come to a scientist.

- You're not a scientist. - Psychology is a science.

- A soft science. - You want my help or not?

- [groans] - Hmm.

Poop, poop! Poop in shoe!

[groans]

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

[groaning]

So the zappies happen when

- you're not being a good dog. - Uh-huh.

And they started when Jill said,

"Oh, my God. What do I do with you?"

What's an "ohmygod"?

Well, Jill says God is a female creator spirit

that also celebrates Christmas, but most people think

God's a judgy old man who created everyone

just so He can tell them what's right and wrong.

- Oh, like Steve Harvey. - Sure, but scientifically,

- there's no evidence that He exists. - No, he does.

- I saw him on "Family Feud" yesterday. - No, I mean evidence

of some supreme being that watches over us.

What about the big sky-dog

who eats the moon piece by piece every month

then throws it up again? He must be God.

And he's sending me the zappies.

- No, no, that's not what I mean. - Now all my half-thoughts

and misunderstandings are making sense.

There's an all-powerful moon-eating dog god

that's speaking directly to me

about what's right and wrong through the zappies.

[chuckles] I mean, can I get a woof woof?

[yawns]

Ride that horse, President Putin.

[screeches]

- Kit Kat's gone! - What?

I am here for you, Daddy Stelios.

[gasps]

[dramatic music]

Nibbles.

This is a disaster. I will not rest until...

Oh, yeah. Behind the ears. Oh. [purrs]

[upbeat music]

- [yawns] Chief? You're up early. - I couldn't sleep.

All these dog years, I thought I was put on this planet

to eat one of everything,

but now I know I'm meant for something bigger.

- To eat two of everything? - No! To be God's hype man.

I have to share this with the world.

Chief, maybe you should think about this.

Honey, if God had wanted a thinker, He wouldn't have chosen me.

[bird chirping] Creatures great and small,

God chose a messenger, and you're looking at him!

- Then show us a sign. - Okay, watch God smite me

for following my God-given natural instincts.

Behold.

[groans]

- BOTH: Ooh. - It's a miracle.

I want to thank everyone for resisting Chief's delusion

that God is talking to him through zappies.

That's what's happening? Oh, this I have to see.

Wait a minute, Chief talks to the big dog

who noshes on the moon?

- I have got major FOMO. - Don't worry, Diablo.

While I admire his brutality, there is no God.

Okay, who'd like to start?

- Chico? Chico? - [distantly] Hallelujah!

I don't believe in God, but I do believe in opportunity.

- Well, this is fun. Just us gals. - What?

- Tabitha, spill the tea, girl. - Yeah, Tabs. "Spill the tea, girl."

- I have no tea. - I know I'm late.

Spade booked me on James Corden's cockatoo's podcast.

Anyway, my movie starts shooting in two days,

so I've gotta get down to the true craft

of film acting... collecting my entourage!

- Diabs, you're in! - Really?

[chuckles] Of course.

Every entourage needs a dorky guy

who gives advice the star won't take.

You too, The Gray One.

I need a weird dude who makes me look hotter.

Now, let's go get Shel, because for some reason,

every entourage needs a turtle.

Diablo, you know you're drawn to unhealthy power dynamics.

Oh, yeah, but that's not what this is.

- The door won't open itself! - On it!

- Oh, I can open doors. - Okay, group doesn't work

when everyone has nothing to say or can't talk.

No offense, Tchotch... Tchotchke's out there?

Now, I know what you're thinking.

"If Chief is a dog of God,

"then surely he's never done wrong.

"I mean, old Chief never ripped the toupee

"off an old man's head

because he thought it was a furry pork chop."

Well, I did that and more. I had a hole in my soul

that all the garbage in the world couldn't fill

until God reached down and filled me full of zappies.

This is so much more soulful than synagogue.

Who here believes?

- I believe! - Oh, hallelujah!

- Huzzah! Whoo-hoo! - That's amazing.

- Wow! Yeah! - Ooh!

[grunts]

Chief, this is going too far.

There has to be a more rational explanation

for what's happening to you than God.

Oh, my lost soul, you think you should have been chosen.

Praise Chief! Burn the heretic!

Please, Elsa, you're smarter than this.

True, but I had a real come-to-Chief moment

when I saw more animals listening to him than you.

? ?

[grunts] What did you do to Kit Kat,

- you horrible little rat ball? - She bothered you, so I got rid of her.

And now you're gonna get rid of the gecko who bothered me.

- Why would I do that? - Because best friends murder

for each other, right? I mean, if we weren't best friends,

I'd have no choice but to frame you

by leaving Kit Kat's bloody paw wrapped in your blankie.

[gasps] Not blankie!

And the tenth and final command is

thou shalt leave it! Leave it...

What does God look like?

Well, I mean, obviously, God is a huge dog.

- Oh, so close. I thought cat. - And His house, Heaven,

overfloweth with a river of food and toys

that come right to you,

and enormous hands that give belly rubs

and never get tired.

- I have questions... [grunts] - Wow, heaven sounds great.

And if anyone wants to get in there,

they'll need to make a sizeable donation...

toys, kibble, anxiety meds.

[rock music]

? ?

[moans]

Everyone's staring at us.

They know star power when they see it.

Thanks, Terry. Keep the water bowls coming.

I still say we should have gone

to that pond with the cold-blooded hotties.

You gotta talk to Shel about talking back.

Uh, sure, but maybe you should rehearse a little.

What? No! Never suggest I do work again.

Now, earn your spot, D. Get me some acorns.

- No top part. You know how I do. - One for me as well.

["Pop! Goes the Weasel" playing]

You let Nibbles murder me, Tabitha.

- I didn't know. - And now you're gonna murder for her!

[gasps]

[panting]

It's only a matter of time before she murders you.

[screams]

Kit Kat, give me a break.

? ?

Could Chief really be right about this?

He was right about Jill's ovarian cyst.

Are you there, God? It's me, Honey.

If you needed a messenger, why choose Chief?

I'm smarter, better behaved.

I always resist the temptation to kill Blue Shirt.

- Stupid bitch. - Thirsty's not a good look on you.

This is a private conversation

between me and someone I think is imaginary.

[gasps] Blue Shirt!

Chief!

Your collar didn't come from God. It came from Blue Shirt.

She's the one who gave this box to Jill.

Obviously you're just a pawn

in her sick plot to drive me mad.

Oh, whoa, it's been her since the very beginning.

It's the only explanation that makes sense.

It's Squeaky Pizzagate.

- Blue Shirt is the delivery devil! - Really? Hmm...

let me pray on it.

[groans]

God says no.

Clearly Blue Shirt is a delivery angel driveth-ing from heaven.

- And rationalized. - [chuckles] Am I the only one who hasn't

lost touch with reality? Do the research!

- Chief, I need your help. - What in God's name is happening?

Exactly. Join me in the box of really bad secrets.

Welcome, Tabitha. This is a sacred, private space.

Oh, just pretend I'm not here.

I accidentally entered a... how you say...

- murder pact with Nibbles. - Whoa, you're a real sicko.

Nibbles killed Kit Kat.

Now she wants me to kill this gecko for her.

And if I don't, she will ruin my luxurious life.

Normally, I would never come to you because you are idiot dog,

but everyone is saying you are messenger of supreme being...

Tabitha, I once had a friend

who hurt me if I didn't do what He said.

So I did what He said, and then I went from zero to hero.

So, yeah, you just need to kill that gecko, like, yesterday.

Time's up. Father Chief's on a schedule.

Souls ain't gonna save themselves.

So now your believers prove their faith in you

- by taking a bath. - Do you commit yourself to Dog God

and the teachings of His Prophet, me?

Look, I'm at rock bottom. I need to get right.

[electricity sizzles]

I felt it, Mildred! I felt the zappies!

Hope you're watching, G-Dog, because I am crushing it.

Hello, cans. You're smelling lovely.

No, no.

Aw. Oh, God, why doth thou test me

with furry English muffins and black yogurt?

This is real jerk move, Jerk Face!

[sobs] That's it. I'm going for it.

[trash bin clatters] Oh, mmm-mmm.

This is worth the zappies.

Wait, where are the zappies? God?

He abandoned me! I've been Holy Ghosted!

Well, well, what is the deep delivery state up to now?

I won't let you do to me

what you did to Princess Diana, you Blue Devil!

Honey, the zappies are gone and God's abandoned me.

And without His guidance, I'm back to being a dumb dog

who's responsible for my own actions,

and that is not going to end well!

[doorbell rings] [barking]

[gasps] The delivery angel. I can ride her van back to heaven

and apologize to God in person.

Hell with it, I'll just de-throat-ify her.

[barking]

She's friendly. She's friendly.

[chuckles weakly] [growling]

- What are you doing, Sister Elsa? - Where you go, I follow.

And if you should die, I promise to take on the burden

of leading your church and renaming it after me, St. Elsa.

[barking]

And that's for putting fluoride in the dog food!

Honey, oh, my God.

Do I need to put a shock collar on you too?

And they started when Jill said,

"Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What do I do with you?"

This is for your own good, Chief-y.

[electricity sizzling]

Jill makes the zappies.

[slow-clapping]

Took you long enough, Cumberbitch.

[ominous music]

? ?

May Chief forgive me for what I am about to do.

[claws snick] [growls]

- No, stop! It's me! - Nibbles?

Hi, friend.

It's the role I was born to play,

a badass Liam Neeson-type.

Liam Neeson wishes his ass was as bad as yours, Max.

Your ass is the worst!

Max, we were supposed to be on set an hour ago.

I got the day wrong, but if anyone asks,

it was my assistant's fault.

Now move it! Get that ham in gear!

- Come on, Larrabee. Let's go! - Wait, what? I'm not Larrabee!

Huh, I guess I live here now.

So what are you gonna do first when we get to heaven?

Steak bath? Drag your butt on a cloud?

To be honest, Elsa, I'm not so sure there really is a heaven.

Maybe I made the whole thing up

to explain everything I didn't understand.

I recommend you don't repeat that

if we want to keep our tax-exempt status.

I don't know where we're going,

- but it's definitely not... - Heaven!

[choral music]

? ?

It's just like you said it would be,

food and toys coming right to us.

- And look! - The belly-rubbing hands.

Heaven is real. God was talking to me.

[scanner beeps] Acceptable.

Acceptable? Yes!

[machinery whirring] Huh?

[scanner beeps] [buzzer blares]

Code not found. Disposing trash.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I mean, sure I had a brief dark night of the soul,

but, no, I'm back on Team God.

Uh-uh-uh, you doubted.

Now I'm the chosen one. Suck it, heathen.

But Heaven Hand, I believe again!

I'm even ready to be zappied.

[grunting] Aah!

[splat] [horn blows]

You were gonna kill the gecko for me?

You really are my friend.

Now I'm glad I didn't actually kill Kit Kat.

What? What did you do with Kit Kat?

I just lured her into the steam oven

your humans barely ever use, knowing she wouldn't

be found until tonight when Stelios bakes his

- baklava for book club. - Kit Kat!

See, I knew it wasn't a waste to buy the steam oven.

But how did you know about the steam oven

and the book club and the baklava?

Because I listen to every word you say in group.

Maybe there's more to you than crazy hamster in murder skin.

- There she is, Sheriff! Get her! - Gotcha.

That's the maniac who stole my skin!

- You didn't kill the lizard either? - No, this just seemed like

the simplest way to get close to you.

Whoa, freak show, party of one.

No, it's a freak show, party of two.

Now leave my psychotic friend alone,

you loose-skinned eye-licker!

Thanks. Ha!

Let's blow this pellet stand.

Someday I'm gonna marry that hamster.

Seriously, God? You kicked me out of heaven

and went back to testing me with garbage?

You can't break me.

[splat]

Recalled hot dog beef? Aw!

No! I won't give in to temptation,

and not because of the zappies.

Because I can be good on my own.

[toy squeaks] Huh?

That's not a sound my butt usually makes.

[gasps] Squeaky Pizza!

Hallelujah! Ha, I have been rewarded!

So you're a pig, and your family's been kidnapped.

- And action. - [shakily] Line?

- Oink? - Hold on. Wait, say that again.

- Oink? - The pig's out.

The dog that says "oink" is in.

- Wait, what? - I can't say I didn't see it coming.

- Honey! - Chief! I figured everything out.

Me too! I get it now.

God doesn't need me to be a big shot

telling other animals what to do.

He just needs me to try to be the best Chief I can be.

Enough, Chief, I have to tell you something.

Yeah, really make him feel stupid

for believing in something bigger than himself.

I'm happy you figured it out.

Also, He's not real and it was Jill.

- What was that? - I'm glad you found meaning.

Oh, I found more than meaning.

[toy squeaks] Squeaky Pizza.

Turns out God was just God's way

of bringing us back together.

And now, to celebrate our reunion.

[chomping]

I left Mildred and my nut inheritance to dedicate my life to you.

Oh, sorry. I-I'm not doing that anymore.

Well, maybe I can help you. I'm a therapist.

Uh, I'm just gonna bite a power line.

? ?

[chomps]

[eerie music]

It's the perfect crime.

? ? [explosion]

We take what he loves most,

and there's nothing he can do about it,

because he's just a pig.

[grunting]

? ?

[growling]

? ?

Like you always said,

when you're too small to go over the edge, go under it.

Oink.

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