Original subtitles

[whimsical music playing]

[triumphant music playing]

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Sh!

[softly] Okay. Let's go.

[woman grunts, gasps]

[snores]

- [gunman] Piss off. - Hmm?

[gasps]

[snoring]

Okay. In three, four...

[to the tune of Happy Birthday] ♪ S dnyom rozhdeniya tebya! ♪

♪ S dnyom rozhdeniya tebya! ♪

♪ S dnyom rozhdeniya... ♪

Is she alive?

Alexandra. Alexandra, wake up.

[Alexandra groans]

Oh, she's waking up. Birthday song now, again.

- [music resumes] - Happy sweet sixteen, my love.

Uh, where is my gift?

You. Give gift immediately.

What is this?

That tiara, my princess, was worn by the Queen of England

more than 600 years ago. Mm?

Don't care about old things. Next.

Is this supposed to be a joke?

This doesn't even fit.

[chuckles] Maybe not yet.

[gunshot]

- Ta-da! - Is that what I think it is?

Oh, da.

Those world-class doctors are your birthday present.

They will give you the biggest tits and lips

any 16-year-old girl could ever wish for.

Thank you, Papulya.

It's going to be the best 16th birthday party ever.

Now we can take sexy family photos together.

I will teach you how to arch your back to make that ass pop.

- [feedback ringing] - [man] Hello.

One, two, three. Let's get going, Charlie.

[groans] You know I hate old things. Who do they think they are anyway?

- [zapping] - [screams] Ah-ah! Ah!

[phone ringing]

Da. Da, tonight.

Yes, illegal.

Very important. Huge deal.

Agents everywhere. Yes. Yes, Ms. Barell. Da.

[foreboding music playing]

[frantic string music playing]

- [chatter, laughter] - [ambient music playing]

[Jonathan grunts]

[music fades]

Okay, okay. I think I got you,

but, uh, could you repeat that part of the importance of the mission?

- You were breaking up there. - I took notes.

- We can go through it later. - No.

I want this to be absolutely clear.

This is our most risky mission in years,

but the reward is outstanding.

Okay, good. I got that part. Keep going.

This Russian oligarch is under police surveillance 24/7,

so your only chance is to blend in at a party he is holding

and make the delivery of the radioactive thing.

Oh. [chuckles]

It's just like, uh, in a James Bond movie, almost. [laughs]

That's awesome.

What?

It's like James Bond, you know? Or you, uh... like a James Bond movie.

So... very cool.

James Bond?

Never heard of him.

You never seen a James Bond movie?

- No. - [chuckles] Uh...

You see, James Bond works as an agent, and the women are, like, gorgeous...

- [bangs table] This is real life, Nico... - [cat yowls]

...not some series of films. Is everything a joke to you?

No, no. I... It... It was just a... a... a reference to how cool this mission is.

It's, um... It's... It's an outstanding mission.

That's why I, like, mentioned him because it's a... it's a cool project.

I meant no harm.

- Failure is not an option on this mission. - Certainly, Mr. Tyrant.

I want you all to know

that I'm preparing a shark tank, just in case you fail me.

A shark tank?

My own creation, not in reference to anything else.

It might be a bit over the top, but I can assure you

it sends a powerful message throughout our organization.

Please spread the word.

Maybe do a piece on it on the Internet.

That does send a strong message indeed, sir.

It motivates everyone to do our utmost to make sure everything runs smoothly.

Liza, you are the lead on this.

You must personally deliver the... radioactive thing.

- Why do I... - Farewell.

Sir?

Shark tank.

Yeah. [chuckles]

So cool.

[suspenseful music playing]

[keypad bleeps]

How are we doing here?

When we get the radioactive thing, we should be good to go.

Ah, great! That is just great.

Yes, for you, it's great.

For a large part of the world, not so much.

Mm, but for me and my family, it's great, and I put family first.

You don't put family first?

Family is important, but again,

it is not so great for one third of the people on earth.

Ugh, I really don't like that counterproductive attitude.

Where is the team spirit?

Sorry.

It's just that I'd ran a simulation of increasing sea levels, and it...

Well, it kind of freaked me out a bit.

Well, you can freak out on your own time.

This project is about me and my family's economic future,

and I don't need random scientists guilt-tripping me at every opportunity.

Sorry, sir.

[beeping, whirring]

[spy music playing]

[sighs] Okay, boys, this is pretty simple in theory.

We bring two identical briefcases.

Fall has the hot one until we're safely inside.

Nico has the other. Then we make a switch and the delivery.

- All risk is on him. Easy-peasy. - [Pedro] Sounds good.

Nico, you'll be dressed as a waiter, so you can blend in easily.

- Uh... Can I be something else? - What do you mean?

Something else than a waiter? It just feels a bit cliché. No offense.

Okay. What do you suggest?

Well, just something a bit cooler, no?

Like a blackjack dealer or something. Helicopter mechanic,

maybe with an eye patch and a cigar or something. I don't know.

[Liza] A waiter can move freely throughout the house.

A mechanic wouldn't even be in the house because he would be in the garage.

[Nico] Yeah, unless he forgot some tools in the house or something.

Or what about a chef, like Gordon Ramsay with lots of attitude,

making huge scenes in the kitchen? That... That would be kinda cool.

- You will go as a waiter. - Fine.

And Pedro, I need you outside with a sniper rifle. You will be my eyes.

If things go south, you clear a path for me.

- I prefer not ending up in the shark tank. - And what about Captain Fall?

He's collateral, in a worst-case scenario of course.

- Really? Mr. Tyrant said that? - Yeah.

Oh. Well, I wasn't really prepared for that yet.

Yeah, I know. I don't like it one bit,

and he really grows on you, but you know the deal.

We aren't supposed to get emotionally attached to the captain, so...

[Pedro] I know, I know.

- Whoa! - Hey, Captain.

Oh. Hah!

What are you doing here? [chuckles awkwardly]

Oh, you scared me there.

You, mi amigo, are invited to the best party ever.

- Am I? - It's from Petrov Popangelov.

He's a Russian philanthropist. A friend of the ship. Amazing guy.

Oh... Um... [chuckles]

Okay. Let's see here.

"Dear Captain Fall, it is my distinct honor

to invite you to the celebration of my daughter's 16th birthday

at the Popangelov mansion in Monaco this Saturday."

Wow. Hah.

Uh... Just give me a couple of secs. I'm a little blown away here.

You... You okay, Captain?

Yeah. Yeah. It's just that...

It's my first personal invitation,

so that is just something to really, um... cherish and take in, you know?

[sighs] Well, congrats.

[sighs] Okay, so wh... wh... what should I get his daughter?

Is, um... Is Barbie still a thing?

Do they still play with those? Or My Little Pony maybe?

Oh, and Care Bears are pretty awesome, right?

No, no, no. Don't worry, Captain. We got you covered.

It comes with instructions from Mr. Tyrant.

- [machine whirs] - Oh!

Hi there, Mr. Tyrant.

Dear Jonathan, here is a gift on behalf of you and the ship.

Please sign the card with your full name,

and personally carry this gift case into the party,

and claim that you own it if anybody asks.

Do not open, no matter what happens.

I trust you on this, son. Good luck.

Oh, thank you, and how are you today, sir?

- [machine beeps] - Oh!

Probably busy.

Mm-hmm.

Huh. That sure was a specific message.

That is the European gift custom, I think. They are different over here.

But you can open and look now if you want.

Wow! That is the most beautiful penis ring I've ever seen.

- Eh... That is a finger ring. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - Oh.

- Smaller circumference. - Oh.

But let's just close it and not open it until Petrov's daughter gets it,

out of respect for Mr. Tyrant.

One-hundred percent agree. I am all on board on the respect thing.

So let me just grab that and leave it with Timmy down at luggage.

Oh. Okay.

And you get it when you leave for the party.

- Just as extra service. - Great.

[ambient jazz playing]

I'm so glad you offered to join me.

I would hate to go there alone, not knowing anyone.

[chuckles] I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Consider it kind of a date.

Really? A date, like, between you and me?

Like a date?

Yeah. Yeah, no, sure. A date. Yes.

A date between you and me. Um, anyway, let's go and pick up the gift.

Oh-oh, hi there, Captain Fall. Uh... I'm Timmy.

Hi there. I...

I... Haven't I met you before? No?

Oh yeah, I'm just down here all the time, so I really don't get to mingle a lot.

Oh.

So my specific job is to see that everyone gets the right bag.

Suitcase, briefcase, you name it.

That there are no mix-ups if, for example, briefcases, look similar.

That kind of thing, you know? So... Okay, here is yours.

Mm.

- Well, thanks, Timmy. - Yeah. I'm pretty sure I got it right.

- [chuckles] - Oh, great.

Yep. It sure is a lot of responsibility, but I love my job.

Well, that is good to hear.

It's nice to meet you, and you know what? I am 100% sure

you will have a long and successful life with that kind of positive attitude.

[distant dance music playing]

[ominous music playing]

[dance music playing]

[in French] Skinny man with too-beautiful girlfriend, carrying briefcase.

Could be the one.

- [in English] Talk to me, Pedro. - Looking good. I see you.

Nico?

I'm inside.

We have our Interpol friends at your three o'clock.

They sure celebrate children's birthdays differently in Europe.

I guess.

Do you think they love each other?

- [Liza] Hmm? - Oh... Is... I...

Is that real love, or is it just all an act, you think?

- Ooh, I'll get you something to drink. - Uh... Oh.

No! No, I'm good. Truly.

Oh, please. You are my date tonight. [chuckles]

[clears throat] Excusez-moi, mademoiselle.

I took French in school and finally it comes in handy. [chuckles]

Oui.

Merci "beauncu," Madame.

Baguette.

Oh. [chuckles]

That's amazing.

When the French speak, it all sounds like poetry.

It truly is the language of love.

[tense music playing]

Interpol is entering the building.

Time to make the switch.

Oh, does your ear hurt, too?

It is so noisy in here,

but it's my first party, so I'm trying to block out the noise

and just enjoy the ride.

You know what? I'm really cold. I need you to hold me.

Whoa. I can hold you for real?

Yes, for real. You are my date, silly.

Just put your briefcase down there and hold me.

Okay.

Oh, wait, um... Would it... Just... Would it be possible

with a little... kiss too,

or is that too much to ask?

Of course! Of course you can kiss me, Jonathan.

I've been waiting for you to ask.

[squelching]

Close your eyes. Open-eyed kisses freak me out.

- [Jonathan] Mm. - [Liza] Oh.

- [Liza] Okay. - [Jonathan] Mmm.

Interpol will be at your location in 30 seconds.

Make the switch now, Liza.

[Jonathan] Mm. Mmm. Mm.

Mm. Yeah.

I feel like this French kissing thing just comes natural to me.

Yeah, that was great.

Yeah, the trick is to spin the tongue around as fast as possible.

- Yeah. - Just around and around

- That is the trick. - Oh.

Mm, mm.

[Pedro] Make the switch now, Liza.

[Jonathan] Mm, mm.

Yeah, maximum rotation. That's, uh... That's my secret sauce.

- Yeah, a lot of sauce. - Oh. Y... Hmm.

Ah-ho!

Hoo!

Whoa, that whole, uh, kissing experience made me pretty dizzy, actually.

Do you wanna go outside and get some fresh air?

I... need to go to the bathroom.

Don't know if it's just the juices flowing after that kiss or if I need to pee.

Oh! Okay. I'll wait for you out there.

Mm-hmm!

[sighs]

[elevator chimes]

[ominous music playing]

Sir.

Wonderful party, Mr. Popangelov.

Congratulations on your daughter. Mr. Tyrant sends his warmest regards.

Ah, thank you so much.

[gasps, chuckles]

Hold on, sir.

[sighs] Hoo.

Oh! Hi there. Great party, huh?

Yes, great.

Why are you clinging onto that briefcase like it was your baby

and you were on a sinking ship?

[panting]

Someone fucked up.

Locate Jonathan, or we're going in the fucking shark tank.

Oh. [chuckles]

My boss told me to. It's, uh...

It's supposed to be in my possession at all times, and no one gets to open it.

Okay. Please come with us. Police.

Uh... What? Di... Did I do anything wrong? Did I not follow etiquette?

I... I'm... I'm new to this whole oligarch party scene.

[exhales]

[Pedro] I've got you. They're on your left.

Okay. Pedro, wait for the kiss.

Nico, be ready for the switch and clean up.

Okay. Open it, Pinocchio.

How do you know my parents' nickname for me? [chuckles]

Open it now.

No, this is not for you. I've got strict orders.

- Je m'en fous... - Oh! Jonathan!

Oh! Hi, Liza. I was just trying to explain to these people

that this present is off-limits.

Oh, you.

Well, put down that stupid briefcase and kiss me again.

I need some more of that swift reptile tongue.

Oh! Eyes closed.

- Mmm. - [Jonathan] Yeah. Heh.

[bullets fly]

Oh, how romantic.

It's like they set up fireworks to celebrate our kiss.

Just, uh... without the entertaining aesthetics.

Let's find somewhere where we can... make love.

Really? Oh yes. I am all-in.

Oh, are you, uh... on the pill, or should I use a "rubber"? Um...

- What... - Oh, you know what?

Can you get us some very elaborate cocktails of some sort?

I think I saw a tiki bar in the basement. I'll have to go to the bathroom again,

you know, before we... penetrate.

Oh! Darn. I forgot the gift. Ugh.

Okay. Go get it, and I'll... meet you downstairs in a bit.

Oh, great plan.

[exhales]

Sorry. Little mishap.

Just minor. Nothing worth mentioning to anyone.

Ah, I totally understand.

Sometimes the most cunning plan has holes.

I'm sure Mr. Tyrant would like to know all about it.

I don't know. He's a very busy man. Like yourself.

So, um... maybe we shouldn't bore him with details. [chuckles]

Maybe I will inform him or maybe not.

We'll see.

[Geiger counter crackles]

Ah, very well.

- Da. - [computer bleeps]

Pocket change.

- [computer bleeps] - [Liza] Mm.

[computer bleeps]

- Because I am so rich. - Oh.

- Good for you. - Yes. Yes. I have been very fortunate.

- Really? - Da.

I can buy anything I want.

Go to nice restaurants without worrying about the bill for a second.

Most expensive dish? No problem.

- [computer bleeps] - Okay.

[computer bleeps]

I can buy 1,000 pairs of jeans, eh? 5,000 sweaters. Easily.

- Mm. That's a lot of jeans. - Da. Da. 100,000 hamburgers.

Eat one and throw the other 99,999 in the trash, and it wouldn't make a dent

in my fortune.

That is my life. That is the kind of life I am living here.

- [computer bleeps] - Good to hear, sir.

You are obviously very wealthy.

Very. Extremely wealthy, but I have kept my humility.

I remember my roots and where I came from. That is important to me.

Great.

[computer bleeps]

Mm, and thanks to this deal, this is just a start.

I'm talking world domination.

All other oligarchs and tycoons, they will bow to me.

[computer chimes]

- Ah, there we are. - [sighs]

Well, great doing business with you, Mr. Popangelov.

And remember that little mishap was minor. Not very interesting to Mr. Tyrant.

- He's a busy man. - Hmm? Uh... Da. Da.

Enjoy the party.

[mellow ambient music playing]

- There you are. I got you this. - [gulps]

[sighs] Thanks. [gulps]

Ooh, thirsty, huh?

Okay. Let's give this girl her gift and get our arses out of here.

Oh, I was hoping we would have time

for that lovemaking thing you talked about previously.

- We don't. - Okay, well I...

I thought that was a great idea, though, to be honest.

It's a... It was a great, um... initiative.

- Oh, happy birthday, Miss! - Come on.

But, uh, you know, it's... it's smart not to rush things.

That's a good move. Okay.

Yeah, the main focus now is that we are officially going steady.

Yes, and... and we'll just do the sexing bit when it feels right

for, uh... for both of us.

[whirring]

Well, well, well.

I had hoped my little shark tank wouldn't come in handy so soon.

Sir, the operation was successful.

We got the money, and we cleaned up after us.

We cannot have mistakes.

Mr. Popangelov called me. He was unimpressed.

Oh, he did? But, sir, please, this was minor.

Okay? Look, no harm done.

Yes, please, Sir Tyrant, we don't all deserve this.

[Tyrant] Oh, you do.

- No, sir, not all of us. - Please, sir...

Say your last prayers.

Three, two, one.

[screams] Ah!

It was clearly his fault. He deserves this fate.

[gasps]

Ah! Ah! Ah.

And they're about to chow down.

Ah. Ah! Ah! Aah!

They should be attacking him. Why are they not attacking him?

Ah?

Start splashing around, please.

I think they are attracted to, uh... splashing.

You know, so they think he's prey, maybe?

Make it look like you're... [clears]

Make it look like you're struggling please.

Fun fact, Sir Tyrant. Humans are not a natural food source for sharks.

Depending on the subtype, they prefer seals, fish,

squid and even plankton.

Don't step on that ladder. You'll regret it.

Ah! Wh... What's worse than being in a shark tank?

That's... actually a good point.

This.

[groans] Agh!

[screams] Ah!

He was right. There is something worse!

I'm dying!

Oh, I'm finally dying. Oh no!

It's death! It's death!

Oh!

All my blood's leaving. It's all going!

Ow!

Ah, so cold. It's...

Ah! Ah!

Grandma!

Ah!

Oh!

[elevator music playing]

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