Original subtitles

[gulls squawk]

[Jonathan chuckles] No, no! This is all true. It's a true story.

Uh, so, uh... I thought the cashier said, "Three dollars, nighty-night."

So, uh, I said, "Excuse me?" And she repeated it.

And what she actually said was, "Three dollars ninety-nine."

- Oh, 99! Yeah. - Ha-ha, good one!

Oh!

[Jonathan] "Nighty-night?" It doesn't even make sense!

It was the middle of the day, for crying out loud!

Please, please, stop it, Captain. Por favor. You're killing us here!

It happened maybe... oh, 15 years ago,

but I still think back on it every day, and I just laugh so hard.

Wow. Yeah, that's a... Yeah, that's a great one.

Oh, I know. It's my go-to story when I want a real laugh fiesta.

[chuckles, sighs]

Okay. Well, on another note, uh...

I would like to make an announcement.

I think it's time for me to, um... tinkle.

[enthusiastic laughter]

Please excuse me. I'll be back in ten... ten, 15 minutes.

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

- Ugh. - Mm-mm.

No. No, we're done. I can't take another second of this.

What are you... No!

Ugh.

[sighs]

You've made it, Jonathan. You have finally made it.

They love you out there. They love you.

- [toilet flushes] - Oh, uh!

And he's back.

There's the man! [laughs]

Hey! Capitán!

Oh-ho! Yes, it's me. I'm back.

Whoo!

You know, I was thinking, do you mind if I tell that 99-cent story again?

I just can't get over it. It's so fun!

Yeah.

[frantic string music playing]

[gulls squawking]

[Jonathan] Okay. Listen up, people.

I just wanted to say that I am so proud to work with a crew

so dedicated to making the world a better place.

So I want everyone to put your hand on your shoulder

like this.

And then go like this.

Good work. Yeah, so ev... everyone... everyone say that with me now.

- Good work. Yeah, good work. - [all] Good work.

- Good work. - Good work.

- Good work. - Good work.

Ah, okay, that's nice.

Okay, so next up is a chartered cruise for just a few select passengers.

We have a group from China and a group from Congo coming here.

They have rented the whole ship for the sole purpose of cultural exchange,

so that will be a lot of fun.

[eerie music playing]

[bird calls]

- [dogs bark] - [people shout]

- [blows land] - [dog barks]

[guns clicking]

[automatic gunfire]

[man] And therefore, I believe this will be a great business opportunity

that will bring you much profit and, uh... prosperity in the coming years.

That was it.

End of presentation.

Oh!

Wh... Wh... Wh... What do you think, eh?

Did I sound convincing? Yeah? I nailed that, didn't I?

Yes, that was... very good.

Very thorough, with great use of both graphics and diagrams

to emphasize your points.

[man chuckles proudly]

Good to hear. I can't understand why someone would say no to this deal.

[tuts] No.

Listen to me, are there going to be many people at this presentation?

Ah, yes, I think maybe 15? More than ten at least.

- Oh, baby Jesus. Not good. - Mm?

You sounded nervous just rehearsing in front of me, your wife of 25 years.

How are you going to handle a bigger audience?

Uh... Uh... But it is quite normal now. Ah-ah.

You know what Mark Twain said?

"There are two types of speakers, those that get nervous and those who are liars."

But no one gets as nervous as you, Goodluck.

- Oh. - You can't say grace at the dinner table

with just me and the kids without stuttering and blushing.

[tuts] Oh.

I know. I'm my own worst enemy.

- [yells] - [automatic gunfire]

You are even bringing RCA to SCART?

Ah. You should really ask them what kind of setup they have on board.

Mm-mm. I'm not going to ask them. It's not professional.

You are nothing without your PowerPoint.

If it does not work, you are doomed to fail.

Just call them up. It takes you 20 seconds.

If I call them,

it plays straight into the stereotypes they have about warlords. Mm!

- I don't want to give them that. - Ah! What stereotypes?

You know, eh?

That we don't know how to set up PowerPoint presentations and all that.

I don't want to be pigeonholed.

[woman] Oh, sometimes I wish

that some of your child soldiers were snatched a few years later

so they came with some computer knowledge or something like normal teenagers.

Then I would not have to worry so much.

Yes, it would have been fortunate.

Yes, it would have, but now you are on your own,

and don't you dare come back without a signed deal.

Colonel Obote is ready to take your place

the second you show yourself as a weak warlord.

[grunts]

[sighs]

Uh, what are you doing, Jonathan?

The, uh, Congolese party are bringing their kids,

so I just... I wanna make sure the grown-ups can have their meeting uninterrupted.

This looks great, right?

[Pedro] Yeah. Real nice.

But these youngsters might not be fans of magic

and face paint.

Oh, yes, of course. Yeah, you're probably right, Pedro,

'cause children tend not to like this, huh?

Or this.

Hmm? Mm? Mm?

What? Where did that come from?

My mouth? How is this even possible? Those are handkerchiefs.

And that is just part of what I have in store

for these little rugrats. [chuckles]

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Welcome to the Caribbean Queen, Mr. Hong.

I am your captain,

and I am so looking forward to having you on board.

A pleasure.

Oh, the... the pleasure is all mine.

[man sighs]

[in Mandarin] They all look alike.

Impossible to tell them apart. Very ugly faces. It is very consistent.

Almost like "ugly-face uniforms."

The captain is a tiny "boy-man."

Horrible face and smells like old milk.

- A captain should be sturdier. - Right.

I cannot respect him.

[in English] I... I speak Mandarin, you know?

I'm just kidding.

I'm as monolingual as they come. [chuckles]

Wh... What were you... What are you guys talking about?

Oh, just that we are very happy to be here,

and we want to bring thanks for arranging this meeting.

Oh, our pleasure.

I hope you like to eat with sticks because we have sticks in the restaurant.

None of that knife-and-fork nonsense.

Okay.

You're gonna have so much fun.

[chuckles]

Yes. Um...

Uh, Liza, would you please show Mr. Hong and his friends to their cabins?

[in Mandarin] Please come with me, my friends. This way.

[in English] Bye.

Hoof!

Oh, Mr. Hong. What a character, huh?

Hmm, yeah, pretty hostile. You don't deserve that, my friend.

Well, maybe friendliness is a sign of weakness or something in... in China?

But he... he'll come around.

Kill them with kindness. Isn't that what they say?

[phone buzzes, beeps]

Yes?

Yes. Okay. Roger that.

[phone beeps]

Mr. Goodluck and his crew are approaching.

Oh! There, on the horizon.

Ah, they're so far away, but I can hear them real well.

What is happening to me? It's like I... Oh, it's like have super hearing.

Maybe I finally found my hidden talent, hearing exceptionally well at sea. Huh.

[eerie music playing]

Oh.

Welcome, Mr. Goodluck, to the Caribbean Queen.

Uh... I am your captain, Johnathan Fall. Hah. Uh...

Oh.

[chuckles] I am so happy for Mr. Tyrant setting up this meeting.

Please, bring him my many thanks along with this.

Huh. Wow, it looks completely real. I am sure he will love it.

[Goodluck chuckles] I sure hope so.

[chuckles] Well, please come aboard. We are expecting you.

Thank you, Captain.

Oh! One for you.

One for you.

Oh! Oh, excuse me.

What's that in your ear there, little fella? Ah!

Ah! [grunts]

Arrête ça.

- [gun clicks] - [Jonathan chuckles]

Oh wow, so strong.

Huh! Well, that was fun.

So we like to play cops and robbers over there in Congo, do we?

That is just... swell. Fun and games is, uh... is good.

Never lose your playfulness, you little rascal. [chuckles]

Ooh. That was so fast.

[grunts] The battery, this life-giving energy reservoir,

fueling everything from trucks to telephones.

Where would we be without it?

And what would a battery be without cobalt?

Just an expensive piece of useless material.

Material? Hmm-hmm.

[confidently] Material.

["Determined Minds" by H Double L playing]

[H Double L raps in French]

[upbeat kids' music playing]

Hey there, Capitán.

Ah, nice rat costume. What are you dressing up for?

Just preparing for a show that I am treating those kids to.

Did you not notice how sullen they looked?

Uh... No, not really, no.

Um... I'm not that good at reading emotions, I guess. I don't know.

Well, I am, and those kids are in dire need of a good time.

You know, maybe they just want to relax

and enjoy some time off from the daily routine.

I mean, it's not often they get to do relaxing stuff like this.

I think they are kept pretty busy, if you ask me.

Kids are kids, and fun is universal.

I have prepared jokes,

and riddles, and rhymes, and everything they could ever crave.

Wow. Okay.

Uh... Just lose the rat outfit.

I think.

Oh, f... Yeah, fine. It's a bunny,

but I'm not compromising on the rest of the show.

Maybe I care too much, but children are our future,

and I don't see anybody else trying to lift their spirits around here.

So this one...

- [bleeps] - Oh.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.

That is not... Ah, ah. Ah-ah.

Ooh. Wh... I...

M... May I help you, Mr. Goodluck? It's a... a bit tricky.

Uh, no. I can do this easily. I'm very computer literate.

- So... - Mm. That one is for the lights.

I know.

Yeah. Just tell me if there's anything I can do.

There is nothing.

I'm an expert in the different cables and connections area,

so that poses no problem for me.

- Okay. - Okay. Okay. Mm.

Just connect to the HDMI 2 there.

I knew that, but that is not what I was trying to do.

Hmm.

Eh...

Uh... [clears throat]

Welcome to this presentation of JSF, the Juvenile Security Force.

Uh...

[louder] Uh, can everyone hear me fine all the way there in the back?

Of course. This is just a small room.

[still at louder volume] Oh, okay, good. Uh... Uh-uh... G...

[normal volume] Um, good.

Welcome to you, Mr. Hong, and to your associates.

It is an honor that you took the time to meet us here in this fine... vessel.

[clears throat]

Okay, let us get straight to business.

Oh. [chuckles nervously]

It's a personal photo, so, uh...

Eh... Now you know more about me.

That is always positive. Yeah? [chuckles]

Anyway. Uh, where was I?

Uh, yes. [clears throat]

When you leave this room today,

you will be convinced that the Juvenile Security Force

is the right choice for guarding your cobalt mines.

Because like we used to say, "It's not who you know,

but who you blow... up."

[chortles]

Who...

Who you blow... up! [laughs]

Because...

Because he blew up that son of a bitch Sergeant Mawemba in his hut. [chuckles]

It is a... a very funny twist on the saying.

Eh-heh. [clears throat] I'll move along to myths or facts.

Child soldiers need less food than grown soldiers

and are therefore a more affordable choice.

Myth or fact?

[gulls cawing]

[blows air attempting to whistle]

Capitán?

Uh, how many of the children have signed up for the magic show?

Mm... No one.

D... What? What the freckles is wrong with these children?

- I have a heck of a show prepared. - I am aware. Yes.

Did you tell them I have a heck of a show prepared?

Ye... Yes, I told them.

In those words?

Yes.

Oh, not good. Then they heard the H word. Ugh.

I think they'll be fine.

Were they excited about the show? What did they say?

Nothing, uh...

- But two of them asked for hookers. - What?

Eh, you know, Captain, it's just kids' humor.

Okay, call an emergency staff meeting, pronto.

I have a plan to solve this mess.

Everyone has to join, and I... I won't take no for an answer.

[celebratory Latin music playing]

[Jonathan] Whoo!

Join in, friends! Come on! Come on!

What are you scared of? This is so fun.

♪ It's so much fu-un ♪

♪ This is so much fu-un ♪

All the cups, uh... pots, uh... the knives,

uh, the forks, and the spoons can all be scaled down,

and in the long run could save you a considerable amount.

Do you want me to elaborate on the savings

just because of the sheer lack of size of the soldiers?

Eh?

No? Or yes?

O... Or no?

[Latin music playing]

♪ Anyone for conga? ♪

♪ Want to join our conga? ♪

♪ Anyone for conga? Anyone for... ♪

And reverse!

♪ No one here for conga ♪

♪ No one here for conga ♪

♪ They're declining conga ♪

♪ We'll just leave you alone ♪

- Keep backing up, everybody! - [music stops]

Let's take a break. Huh? Is that okay for you, Mr. Hong?

Yeah? A... A short break, eh?

Eh... To... To... To clear our heads. [chuckles]

Eh-hah.

Yes? O... Or no?

[all slurp]

[sighs contentedly]

Oh wow, thanks. I am so exhausted.

- Conga line is the best form of exercise. - Really?

Yeah, I read that somewhere.

Oh, I hope I didn't ruin their meeting, but, uh...

being able to put a smile on all those children's faces made it all worthwhile.

Yeah, no.

[mellow music playing over PA]

Sorry about the conga line.

Uh, I hope I didn't ruin your presentation.

Oh, that is okay. [sighs]

It gave me an excuse to take a break.

I was just too nervous during the presentation.

Look at my hands! They are still shaking.

Oh. Well, tho... those sweet kids have made punch.

- Do you want some? - Ah, sure.

Punch for Goodluck!

I mean, we have a great product that is really a no-brainer,

but I just don't think I managed to get my point across.

Heh? And I have to sign this deal, oh. Or I fear it will be the end of me.

Hey. Hey, don't let your job take over your life.

No job is that important.

Hmm. I don't know about that.

Anyway, this cruise is about cultural exchange, so let's get to it.

[clears throat] Mr. Hong!

Mr. Hong! Mr. Hong!

Mr. Hong! Mr. Hong! Mr. Hong! Mr. Hong!

Mr. Hong! Have a seat.

The kids have whipped up the best punch. Can I get you some?

I do not drink.

Oh, but this is a recipe for kids, so it's obviously alcohol-free.

Ah.

Just extremely tasty, and, uh, very thirst quenching.

Okay. I am thirsty and have a sour taste in my mouth

after that shaky presentation.

[chuckles]

Uh, could we get some of that tasty punch for Mr. Hong and the mesmerizing Miss Gin?

[sighs]

So, uh, Mr. Hong from China, huh?

Correct.

- Yep. Businessman? - Yes.

Yeah, you see? I've done my due diligence.

Oh, here we are.

This punch makes you giddy for some reason.

Oh, let's chug it down, just for fun.

Okay. What's the harm in pounding some alcohol-free punch?

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Uh, yes.

[mellow hip-hop music playing]

It's just that, for the first time, I feel that my parents might be,

you know, kind of proud of me. [chuckles] Sorry.

And I don't really know how to embrace that

because the feelings are kind of new, you know? Sorry.

So I just... I don't know how to respond to that.

Sorry. If that makes any sense.

It does. Totally.

You know what?

I wish you could see yourself as I see you here.

- I... I... I was thinking the same thing. - Oh.

Yes.

When I look at you, I see a confident young captain

who has the ability to guide his ship through the storm.

And that is the man that you will show your parents.

Yes.

And your brother who, if I can speak freely,

seems like a total asshole.

A... A real gaping asshole, that Tanner.

[laughs]

To our new friendship.

And to the future partnership of you two?

[chuckles]

Why don't we get a few more of these and go into the meeting room?

Yeah?

And take another look at that presentation.

[laughs]

Great idea.

I'll come with you guys. I don't even care if you don't want me to.

Would you look at that, Pedro?

I never thought in a million years that our good captain could be the glue

that could seal the deal on this one. Wow.

I know. They actually love him. Ah.

- What a find. What a find, Liza. - Yeah.

- Ha. - And that's on us, eh?

I mean, we picked him. He is actually a keeper. Hmm!

[hip-hop music echoing in background]

We did it! The cultural-exchange deal is sealed! Whoo!

Yes, and we've got to document this historic event, my friends. Come on.

- Sure! - Oh yes.

[Liza] Okay? Say cheese!

[all] Cheese!

And some children also, please. Come on, kids. Go on.

- Yup, okay, big smiles. - Okay.

[automatic gunfire]

He... He's okay. Whoo!

[bottle clatters]

[doorbell rings]

[groans]

Knock, knock. I'm coming. I'm coming.

The Steelmeister!

Mike?

Yep. Heard you got divorced, and I need a wingman.

You used to be the best. I can thank you for so much punani.

Yeah, well, I'm a different man now. Uh...

I... T... I've been domesticated in a way.

Okay, but I haven't.

I'm still single and chasing the fur burger

with more eagerness than ever.

[coughs] Good for you, but I don't know.

Look at yourself.

All you guys are the same after a divorce.

So miserable, and with such a lack of confidence.

You need to put yourself out there, play the scene.

[sniffs] But first we need to clean you up.

[inspirational music playing]

Wow. Just wow.

That made me... hard.

I would tear the clothes off you and have passionate sex with you right now

if I weren't so extremely heterosexual.

Okay.

Let's go speed dating, bro.

[mellow dance music playing over PA]

Just lie. That is my best tip.

Say that you're a pediatrician and that you cry at work every day

because you care too much.

Okay. I mean, I'm not a great liar, but I guess it's worth a try.

Get in the groove, man. Act sexy. Come on.

Advertise yourself before the hunting starts, huh?

Ha-ha-ha.

Hmm. [chuckles]

[inhales] Wow.

So those are the "cliff notes" on your divorce.

And you are also the man behind the animal rampage

that eventually took 187 lives and 79 faces plus-minus?

Uh... Yeah, that'd be me.

Well, your physical attractiveness overshadows all that negative stuff.

In fact, I'm glad to hear you have so many lives on your "conscious"

because we women like bad boys.

- [chuckles] - Uh...

- Yeah. - Uh-huh.

- Wait... - Excuse me.

So do you want to get outta here?

I could clean your house and make you a nice dinner?

- Dinner... - We could have great sex to top it off.

Oh, sex.

Well, what do you say? Should we get outta here?

I could have my driver pick us up. I have a driver because I'm so rich.

Uh-huh. Where have I seen you before?

[dramatic drumroll]

Hello?

Great.

Steelmeister, where you going?

Steelmeister! Don't leave me here with all these washed-up skanks!

[man] Whoa, not cool, bro!

- Kidding. - Asshole!

- [dramatic drumroll] - [bottles clatter]

[suspenseful music playing]

Well, jackhammer me senseless.

It's the same ship. They just renamed it and painted it.

[chuckles] The head of the snake.

Becker, old friend, it's time to get the old team back together.

It's showtime.

[music crescendoes, fades]

[smooth jazz music playing]

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