Original subtitles

Hey, Doc, how is he?

He's doing fine. Nice and stable.

Good. Can you keep him in a coma until the ship is ready?

Well, how long are we talking about?

I don't know. I'd say tomorrow morning.

Oh, I... I would strongly advise against that.

Oh.

So the rumors about you are true.

- I wasn't sure. Hmm. - What rumors?

- You haven't heard? - No.

That Mr. Tyrant put you through med school

so that you could become a whining little bitch.

- Oh. - Just make it happen.

No, no, no. I don't...

I don't think you really understand, sweetie.

I don't wanna do this for me. It's for us. For our relationship.

Okay. Yeah. I... I totally respect your intentions, of course.

I guess, I'm just scared it will change things.

What? Wh... Change this?

Come on. What we have is... is magic. Nothing can ever change that.

Well, how can you be so sure of that?

I just know. Okay?

And as long as we have a few ground rules, this is pretty much fail proof, I promise.

Okay, so, like, what ground rules?

Well, like, um... uh... no real names, for starters.

Um... We could be

Julio and Latoya.

Latoya?

That's kind of fun. Okay.

Yeah, right? And we can say no anytime we want.

Of course. Yes. No. No one should do something they're not comfortable with.

Exact... No. Exactly.

But we can't stop other people if they're havin' a great experience.

Other people?

- You mean you and me? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah, no, you and me.

Yeah, if one of us is enjoying it, the other person can't interfere.

'Kay? That person has to back off

and... and give the... you know, the pleasured partner space.

Uh... Yeah? Um... That sounds kinda weird.

What? Listen, sweetie, I don't make the ground rules. 'Kay?

Tha... That's just a standard rule

that a vast majority of couples follow.

- Okay. - Yeah.

And no complaining

and whining on the way home, okay?

Jealousy is a no-no.

It is?

- Also a standard rule. Just... - Okay.

- Just google it. - Yeah.

Yeah, but sweetie, you know what? Don't overthink this. Okay?

Let's just... Yah...

Let's just... ...drop the guard, you know?

Let's just expand our... our... our horizons a little, you know?

I have a feeling this will make our... our connection, our love,

grow even stronger.

Aw. That's... I like that. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah! I guess, yeah.

- Come here. - Aw.

- Come here, you. - Aw.

Hmm. Mmm.

- You good? - Mm.

- And the last and most important rule. - Oh, more? Yeah. Okay.

Let the other partner try anal?

- Uh... Wh... What? - I think that's...

- Okay. - That's very important.

Okay? Even if it's not a part of our sexual repertoire as is.

Uh-huh.

Okay, see you soon, guys.

- Bye. - Bye. Love you.

- Vivian. Viv. - Yeah. Yes.

- We gotta go. We gotta go. - Okay.

Mmm.

Mwah. You're my hero.

Aw.

That's sweet.

Y... I... Uh... I'm not hating the idea. I don't wanna give you that impression.

It just... It feels a bit weird. That's all.

I just... I guess I can't believe that we're that couple now, you know?

Yeah. I think I...

- Yeah, I know, but it's exciting, right? - Yeah.

And, you know, you could just watch, sweetie.

You could just watch if you like. No pressure or... or anything.

- Yeah. No, I know. - Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that.

Hey. Hey, you know what? I might just watch. You never know.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Huh. - Yeah.

Hey. Hey, you.

This is our journey, you know. We do this together as a couple, you know.

Love doesn't claim possession but gives freedom.

- That blew my mind. - Thank you.

- Yeah. - That was like a... a... Sting lyric.

Oh. Sorry. I need to pick up a few things.

These are the... the largest condoms you've got?

One size fits all.

Hah. Well, not so sure about that, Hoss.

Hope you're right, though, because I'm gonna need these tonight,

if you know what I mean.

You are using the cock for intercourse this evening.

Oh yeah. Going to a swinger's party. It's going to be punani paradise.

Okay. Good for you. Good luck.

Not to overshare or anything,

but it's been a fantasy of mine for a very long time.

Finally got the wife convinced, so now it's time for some of this. Boom.

And some of that "ehhh!"

Yeah? You know.

That... That sucking part is not me, to be clear.

- I am not... I am not gonna be doing that. - Okay.

Yeah, I was just playing the role of some of the females there.

You know, they are gonna be doing that.

And I... I would be one of the, um... the dicks.

Or dick carriers, to be more precise.

You never know, might come in handy for round five or six

when the wrecking bar starts gettin' exhausted.

The wrecking bar is... is... That's my penis.

Vivian, come on.

Hello.

That's a big dude.

How's it goin'?

Hi.

Welcome to Swinger's Heaven.

Oh. Wow. Thank you, miss.

Here. Change into something more comfortable.

Have some drinks, relax, just enjoy yourselves.

Will do, and, uh... will you be around later or...

Oh. No, I just work here.

Ah. That's too bad. Such a shame.

Well, you know, um... be sure to, uh... you know, hunt me down

if you, uh, if you change your mi... us down. We'll be...

- Yup. - 'Cause we'll both...

- Us down. - Right?

- We'll both be around here. - Yup. We will be together, so...

- Right, sweetie? - Pull out your gun and hunt us down.

- Little nervous. - Okay.

Be together.

- I'll grab us some drinks. Yeah? - Yes, definitely, right away.

You know, the, uh...

Yeah, the bartender said the Den of Lust is upstairs,

so that's where the action happens. Wanna check it out?

Yeah, why not?

I don't know if this was such a good idea. This is pretty... wild.

Yeah. Wild in a great way.

I guess I thought it would be a bit more classy. Maybe more discreet?

Ah, come on! Free your mind.

Sex is supposed to be fun, 'kay? They're just here to have sex. That's it.

Bodies enjoying each other without anyone judging.

I guess you're right.

Just... takes a little while to get used to, you know, visually.

Yeah. Yeah. Sit down and enjoy your drink, and I'll be right back.

I just gotta freshen up a bit.

Okay. Come back quick, though, hon.

Well, hello.

Hey there.

I... I left the ball and chain upstairs, so I'm, uh... kind of a free agent now.

Okay.

So do you really just work here?

- No. - No?

I swing, too, of course, but I didn't wanna upset your wife.

Come with me, handsome. Let's have some fun.

Come on, come on, come on, dude.

- Ugh! - What is your...

You ready soon? My right leg is falling asleep here.

Come on. Look at that. Look at that. I mean, come on. That is just...

I... Uh...

You know, I don't know... I don't know what's going on with him today.

I mean, he's usually, like, extremely dependable.

I think he's just overwhelmed by your... by your... by you...

I mean, he's a real trouper.

Too bad. Could've been the fuck of your life.

No, no. What? No, no. Please wait.

I... Just give me... Just give me two more minutes.

- Aw. - Please?

- Sorry, old man. You had your chance. - No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, don't...

Goddamn.

I want Chewbacca. Cock me, Chewbacca!

What the fuck?!

Joel! Joel!

Uh! This is incredible.

- You were right the whole time. - What are you...

What's... What are you doing?!

It's so liberating. So empowering!

- No! - Oh, and anal is great!

No. No! Vivian, no!

Stop that, please!

What? Why? No, I... I'm doing this for us.

It's just that Mr. Penison refuses to go to work.

- What? - Mr. Penison is on strike!

So we gotta go.

There's no reason for us to be here now, sweetie.

Honey, take a Viagra.

I did. Okay? I've popped like ten of them now.

Well, give it time.

We have rules, so we need to go by them.

Remember? I googled.

No, the rules? That... Those are bullshit.

This is a journey together, remember?

Let's go, Chewbacca!

Oh my God.

Join in, Fabio.

DP! I wanna try DP!

- Oh God. - Honey! Honey!

I'm doing DP. It's crazy!

Oh my...

Vivian?

- Vivian! - What?

We have to go.

What? Why?

The babysitter is leaving in an hour.

Well, can't you ask her to stay for a couple of extra hours?

The kids are asleep anyway.

I'll pay for the extra charges if that's what you're worried about.

Sorry, we have to go, Vivian. Sorry.

Okay. Sorry, guys, you heard Julio over there. Sorry.

Can we... Can we go?

Thanks, man. That's real classy.

Sorry, you know babysitters.

You know, that was just so uncalled for.

I was just about to spray my seed in her face,

but, you know what? I guess I could just forget about that now.

- I guess. Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah. Thanks a bunch.

Okay, you know what? I'm gonna file a formal complaint to the club.

- My brother-in-law is actually a lawyer. - Good for him.

Wait. This isn't the last you've heard from me on this matter.

- I can promise you that much. - Okay.

No, no. You don't understand. I'm willing to take this case all the way.

You're not gonna get away with this!

- Wow. What a lunatic. - Well, I see his point though.

You know, hold on for two minutes. I'll just finish him off,

and then we don't have to worry about him escalating this.

No, what? No!

Yes. This is heaven, Joel.

The last thing we wanna do is get banned.

Damn it.

Oh my God, that was great.

Talk about spicing up the relationship.

Okay. You know, that... that... that's not safe.

And I owe you an apology because you were right the whole time.

Ugh, I would never have dared this if it wasn't for you.

I want you to know that. Okay? This is all you, baby.

You pushed me over the top.

Ooh! Can we, uh, stop and pick up an ice pack or something?

My vajayjay is burning up here.

- Okay. - It's like a volcano just about to erupt.

- You know what I mean? - Yeah, no, I... I know what you mean.

I was there, okay?

It's seared into my memory, okay? Your vagina took one hell of a beating.

I've never seen anything like it.

You don't have to go into every little detail either with me, okay?

It's... It's there forever, 'kay? Here we are. Can you please just...

You sold me this crap earlier today, and it didn't work.

You don't work. Your cock is bad.

My... Excuse me? My co... My penis is stellar. Okay?

This crap has a malf... a malfunction in it.

It's not magic. Only medicine.

- What? - If you want magic, I can sell you magic.

Very expensive. Very illegal.

- What are... What are you talking about? - Come with me, milk face.

- Please don't step on my beard. - Uh, I'm so sorry.

If you want rock-hard erection, you need this.

You are really sure you want steel cock all night?

Yes, I am. I'm really sure. I want exactly that.

All right then.

This shipment is more potent than ever before.

Take one. Never two.

- I can handle it. - Don't get greedy.

Respect the magic.

- Yeah, okay, sure thing. - Money first. Five-hundred dollar.

What?!

Okay. Here we go.

You be careful now. Be very, very careful.

So... good luck with the cock.

What?

Oh!

Heh?

Everyone in positions. You, three feet back.

And Dr. Russel, this better work.

I really hope so, but this wasn't my idea.

Look, he will be very disoriented,

and I just want to say on the record that I advise strongly against this

on both a professional and a personal level.

Yeah, yeah, now voetsek, Miss Goody Two-shoes.

Great.

So, in your places, everyone?

Everybody ready?

And... action.

Wh... Where am I?

Where are you?

- You're here with me, silly. - What?

Oh no. I wonder if you maybe had a little seizure.

Probably because of the sun or something.

Oh God. Ooh, I'm tired. What's happening to me?

My mouth is so dry. I need some water.

Poor sweetheart. You're just dehydrated.

You must remember to drink enough water when you're at sea, hey?

Yeah. Yeah. I should, shouldn't I? That's... Oh, I am such a goofball.

- Brought this on myself. - Yeah. You sure did.

- I'm so sorry. - Aw.

Looks like you could use a little hug. You still look so confused. Come here.

Okay. Whoa. Holy mackerel.

You, um, wanna grab an evening snack with me?

Sure. Yeah, of course. I'm so, so hungry.

Feels like I haven't eaten in days.

Joel Moon. Hmm.

Cause of death?

Abnormal erection that has drained the brain and other vital organs of blood

and shutting off the oxygen supply in the body.

What a way to go.

Came in last night. His wife found him in the garage.

They were on their way to some kind of party.

- She wouldn't go into details. - Hmm. And the others?

We found traces of tiger DNA mixed with all sorts of organic material

in all of these.

Most likely it's some new extremely potent black-market erectile drug.

Similar cases have popped up in Rio, Cape Town,

and a few other places the last weeks.

I have never seen rock-hard erections like these before.

Never. It's truly magnificent, from a medical point of view of course.

Of course.

I'm actually planning on writing my PhD on these erections.

- They're really interesting. - Okay. Noted.

I'm making molds of each of these so I can study them up close.

- You can actually learn a lot from these. - If you say so.

Uh, hey, Steel, um... should we, um, head out?

A lot. You can learn a whole lot.

Okay. Well, thank you, and let us know if anything else comes in.

Hey.

So many prostitutes.

- Hey, wh... what are we doing here anyway? - Wait and see. Wait and see.

Hey, I don't know what your deal is, but I am a married man.

This ring on my finger is really important to me.

Over here, honey.

Steel, I am not fucking a hooker. No way. Forget it. Mm-mm.

No, no, come on. It's just plain wrong and despicable.

Uh-huh. Roger that.

Bingo. Just what I've been looking for.

Wow! Oh, such a beauty.

Okay, my new ground rule is no penetration without condom.

Genital skin contact is just plain wrong.

I got my moral compass, and damned if I'm strayin'.

No, sir, not me.

Candy! Hold on.

What do you want from me, Steel? I haven't done jack shit.

Just need some intel.

What do you know about this new boner medicine

that's just hit the streets?

- Nothing. - No?

No, no clue. Why are you asking me?

Just a hunch.

You know what? Screw you, Steel. You're scaring my customers.

Maybe this'll help.

Oh God.

Yeah, pay a visit to the, uh... pharmacy outside town.

The old Chinese man with the long beard? He's pushing that stuff.

Bingo. It's bust time.

Fellas!

You comin'?

One second, Steel. Just updating Facebook.

Damn, I look cool.

Hey, Chief, I just gotta say, I never thought you'd wanna join us on this one.

Oh, I like to get my hands dirty every now and then.

Plus, I like to take the credit for easy busts like these, you know?

Really helps on my resume.

Uh, sure. Well, this Chinese guy is probably just a pawn,

but I'm telling you, I think he could lead us all the way to the top.

There's probably a criminal organization behind this or something.

Now you're talking that crazy talk again. It's Steel on repeat, right, guys?

Right on, Chief. Oh, look, there it is. Right up ahead.

Pull over to the side. I just wanna check something.

Thirty-five likes in 35 minutes.

Yeah! Not bad.

This is an average of what? Uh, one like per minute. Oh yeah.

Oh my...

Oh my God!

Whoa! What the hell?

It exploded.

Wow.

That was that. Nothing more we can do.

The Chinese guy might or might not have been involved

in some kind of cartel business,

but now he died in a terrible accident, so we'll never know for sure.

- How do you know it was an accident? - Oh, just a hunch.

Or experience, if you like. Gas leak.

He went to turn on the stove and boom, boom, shake the room.

Fresh Prince, anyone?

Okay, we have to go through the rubble when the fire dies down.

Call in forensics and... and... the whole shebang.

Uh, why, if I may ask?

To look for clues, evidence.

Uh...

Have you ever seen things that burn in a fire?

I've seen that happen, yes.

Then you'll know that they get totally destroyed.

I would like to take a look, if you don't mind.

Oh, Agent von Ass-Licker reporting for duty, huh?

- Von what? - I'm just saying.

Mr. Paperwork-maker is back in the saddle again,

trying to create extra work.

Can't you give it a rest for once?

Doesn't it seem strange?

Their stash house explodes just as we pull up?

It's like somebody tipped him off.

Who else besides the four of us knew that we were going here?

Whoa, whoa!

Hold your horses there with the conspiracy theories, Steel.

I would be very careful suspecting any of us

or any of our Facebook followers for that matter.

Wh... Wait, you put it on Facebook? That we were raiding the pharmacy?

Uh, doy, of course.

The Special Unit has to be present on social media.

It shows the community that we are hip, and it is crucial for our brand awareness.

Wow, that is unbelievable.

Oh my God, you really are a social-media ignoramus, Steel.

Don't you understand that we need to connect with the online community?

Social media is important

because it allows us to reach, nurture, and engage with our target audience!

You actually did it.

I sure did. Let's roll, people.

Well, well, well. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

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