Original subtitles

What the fuck made me do this for a living?

I was always unusually good at musical statues

and I could bust a move like Travolta when the music played

But really

it was that day in bloody Cardiff That guy, painted like a black devil

A human statue

He was making the crowd laugh by doing almost nothing

and was raking in serious money

That's all it took

Never hated a day of it

getting to be so quiet and still

and ready to dance the robot, make someone jump

a few laughs for a few quid

That's a reasonable reward, isn't it?

If they watch you long enough

But...

right now...

all the money in the world couldn't make me move an inch

(Woman screams) (Squelch)

(Man screams)

(zombie moans and people screaming)

(zombies moaning) (STILL THEME KICKS IN MENACINGLY)

(zombie groans)

Seriously...

what the fuck is he looking at?

I must have held my breath for five minutes

If I don't breathe soon, I'll pass out

(Emphasised sound of breath escaping)

Shit! My leg's cramping.

Oh great, and now my nose is itching

Focus!

(Dramatic music) Statue: No! Not this way!

(Woman screams) Man: Why are you fucking standing still?

(Woman screams in pain) Statue: Oh thank Christ!

00:02:04,060 (Man screams in pain)

(Man screams)

God, no...

(Man's scream fades away) (sounds of eating)

I can't watch

Oh, now that's just perfect!

Oh for fuck's sake...

OK, ignore this

You're not going to vomit

You're not going to vomit

You're not going to vomit

Fuck... (Vomits into mouth)

(squishy eating noises)

Oh, god...

(quiet gulp)

(more sounds of eating)

OK...think of anything

Think of anything!

OK, did any of the other entertainers make it?

Bartie didn't make it...

(Jangly piano music plays) Bartie: Oh fuck!

Fuck!

(Splat!)

Oh shit oh shit oh shit... arghhhh!!!

What the fuck were you thinking?

What about Pascal?

Ummm...that would be a no

I don't believe it!

Wheelbarrow Man?!

You audience splitting, act-stealing...

beautiful bastard!

Statue: You've nearly made it!

God...Allah...anyone that can save me: fucking save me now, please!

Go Wheelbarrow Man! Go!

You can do it!

(tense music gradually rises)

(zombie growls)

(object thuds into wheelbarrow)

Statue: Move!

(Wheelbarrow Man vomits violently)

(zombies groaning loudly) Statue: Oh no...

(Wheelbarrow Man yells in fear)

(Wheelbarrow Man screams) (zombies groan)

(Wheelbarrow Man still screams) (Wheelbarrow Man screams) (zombies groan)

(Wheelbarrow Man still screams)

(Wheelbarrow Man's screams dies out)

Move...

MOVE!

This is the chance!

I am NOT dying today! (TRIUMPHANT TRUMPET MUSIC)

(Loud cracking noise) Statue: Argh! Balls!

(Ominous music) (Zombie growls menacingly)

Argh! Get away!

Arse! Fuck!

(FAST CHASE MUSIC) (zombies groaning)

Yuck! (guts splat on floor)

Ahhh! (pants) (zombie growls)

(zombies growling loudly)

(zombie growls fade into distance)

(Statue laughs)

Haha! It worked!

Yes!

(loud ominous music)

(Statue laughs nervously)

Oh bugger...

(Still theme tune)