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[high-pitched ringing]

**

- Oh, no!

Ow, ow! Hot!

- That was quite a crash, son.

Oh, look at that goose egg.

Where are your parents, sweetie?

- I don't know. - How old are you?

10, 11?

- I-I don't know.

- The crash must have rung your bell.

Well, let's start simple. You got a name?

- I don't know!

I don't know! - [Wandering woman] Shh, shh!

Hey, hey, it's okay. Let me help you.

I can help get you home safe.

[groaning]

- Wait!

- Fat chance, kid! Watkin storm's a comin'.

- Hey, that's my car!

[yelping]

[panting]

[thunder crackling]

**

Who is this asshole?

- Give me those glasses. The sun's bullying me.

- I can't, I'm dyin'.

Say nice things at my funeral.

Take the time to speak highly of my good deeds.

- Man, dudes cannot handle hangovers for shit.

- No hangovers in New San Francisco,

I'll tell you that.

Oh, I had this sexy pork tenderloin last time.

[smacking lips] God, I can't wait.

- I can't wait for a dog.

- Nah, too gamey.

- What?! No! Not to eat.

- Oh.

- I always wanted a pet.

You know, like a wolfdog with three legs named Patrick.

- I'm not taking care of a dog.

- Nobody asked you to!

- Well, we're living together. I mean...

- What?! Are we living together?

- What?! No!

What? No! Why? No!

I mean, like living together in the same city.

- Oh.

- You call me to walk your dog when you're not home,

at your home, and I'm home at my home.

See, two separate homes.

So, that makes two homes.

- Hmm.

- Unless you want to live together.

- Do you? - I don't know.

Do you?

- You seem like a shitty roommate.

I mean, you can't even share your fuckin' sunglasses.

- Yeah, I can share my shitty popcorn.

- Wow, your aim is so good.

Oh, shit! [gasps]

Is this the infamous photo?

- Hey! - Dude, what the hell happened?

You were so cute.

- Take it easy with that. - Oh!

This is the only photo you have of your past life

and you keep it in your visor.

I think I can handle holding it for one...

Shit!

- I fuckin' told you to be careful.

Stupid!

Hey, I said stay back with Evelyn

and watch the package.

- I can do two things.

[sighs]

How old were you in that photo anyway?

- How does anyone keep track of that shit?

- I mean, birthdays, moon phases,

cut your dick open and count the rings.

- Can we just focus on finding the picture?

We're running out of day light.

- [Quiet] Oh, found it!

Ah-ah, what do you say?

- Don't drop it again. - Hmm.

[engine starting]

- Come on, get in the car!

- No, no, no, no!

[gun firing]

[grunting]

[gun firing] Ugh!

[retching] - [Quiet] Fucking holy men!

- [John Doe] Goddamn [indistinct].

[grunting]

- I can't believe some fucking holy men stole our--

- What the fuck did you do?

- John. - Fuck.

**

- Okay, we've been walking for an hour

and you haven't said shit.

I don't know what else to say, John.

I fucked up.

If you want to focus on being mad, then... go ahead.

I guess we'll just walk until we die.

**

- This isn't the first time I lost Evelyn.

Vultures took her one time, Necros another time.

- Oh, shit!

- One time I just forgot where I parked her.

- Okay, well, that's stupid.

- Yeah, it's stupid, but every time I've lost her,

she's come back to me.

- Then let me help you find her this time.

Please.

- Fine.

[church bell ringing]

- [Quiet] Wait, wait! Where you going?

- I'm following the bells. That's where Evelyn is.

- We can't just waltz into a holy man murder-palooza.

You saw what those fuckers did to the convoy's milkman.

- Evelyn is so close. We need to go get her back.

And I can't do it by myself.

So, what do you say, partner?

- Okay.

Let's go get your car.

- Great. - What?

- We've gotta go get those masks off

those holy men we killed so we can blend in.

- Isn't that like an hour that way?

I'm just gonna wait here.

Did you hear me?

He didn't hear me.

- Please, please.

Ugh!

[stomach rumbling] Stomach, shut up!

**

**

[grunting]

[groaning]

Oh...

**

[groaning]

**

**

[gasping]

Oh.

Nasty!

Excuse me, sir.

[engine sputters]

Too bad.

TP, beans...

whoa!

Jackpot!

**

[church bell ringing]

- Sounds like this is it.

- I don't love how moist this mask is.

- At least your guy didn't have a beard.

I'm gonna be pullin' face pubes out of my mouth all night.

- Ick!

- Also, we gotta work on your dude voice.

- Dude voice? - Yeah.

Holy men. You gotta fit in.

Go deep, let me hear it.

- Um...

I love killing and guns, I do.

- Just try not to talk. - Right-o, governor!

[church bell ringing]

[hootin' and hollerin']

- [Holy Man 1] I'm gonna kill you.

- Well, I'm gonna kill you. Let's do it.

- Cool party, huh?

- Dinner for the sinner! [chuckling]

- Holy shit!

How are these guys not dead already?

- Stop staring. Just blend in.

- My man!

- I want that! - Too fuckin' bad!

- From one brother to another, I propose a clash.

[chuckles] - Let it begin!

[grunting]

- At least they're having a good time.

- Uh, he's not.

- Holy shit!

Maybe he deserved it.

- I didn't.

- Cool. I hate this place.

- [Goddess Janice] Kiss my leather!

[yelping]

- [Holy Man] We worship you! - [Janice] Bend down.

[yelping]

- Okay, Evelyn has to be here.

So, just blend in with these freaks

until we find her.

- Damn, very flexible.

Oh, shit! Uh, uh...

Oh, bullocks.

- Who told you to speak?

- Agh!

- You like pain?

- I love it so much, me lady!

- Damn. - Good.

- Ow.

- The Goddess is pleased. [groaning]

Cupbearer? - [Cupbearer] Yes, Goddess?

- Bring forth libations.

- Here.

It's chug-a-lug time!

- All chanting: Chug-a-lug!

Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug!

[sighing]

[gagging]

- Nothing like a Jack and coke.

- So, wait, why is it crunchy?

- That'd be the coke. [laughing]

- It's Preacher. - It's Preacher.

- The preacher's here.

[hootin' and hollerin']

- [Holy Man] I love you, preacher.

- [Holy Man] Absolve my sins!

- I think the coke is kicking in.

- I can't feel my throat.

- I'm gonna shit myself.

[groaning] - [Preacher] Night, night.

[laughing]

Which one of you blessed fucks

had seven days in the death pool?

Blessings on you, Krevin! [chuckles]

Victory runs in your veins.

Go on, reward him!

- Here you go. - [Preacher] Okay.

- Enjoy.

- Gods and Goddesses,

it is my honor to be with you again

here in Colorado for our annual pilgrimage,

The Rocky Mountain Fuck Fest!

[laughing, cheering]

Now, while we are indulging in the seven deadly delights,

let us recall our past

and celebrate our futures!

Me? I was a man of God.

Shit, I was even celibate.

[laughing]

Shut the fuck up, Krevin.

- Oh, okay.

- But when the world ended,

God was nowhere to be found.

And I thought, huh! This fucker's forsaken us.

Right? But then I realized, no!

We are the gods!

Always have been, always will be.

[hootin' and hollerin']

And the roads will be forever our domain!

[cheering]

[laughter]

- Great crowd work.

- I can hear you grinding your teeth.

- Dude, that's you!

[laughing]

- Now...

what gifts did you motherfuckers bring me?

Ooh, is that a generator I see?

Okay. Uh, gasoline, got it.

Okay, guns. Guns, drugs.

Okay, guys, you gotta get more creative than just drugs.

- Here you go, Preacher.

- Okay, that's just more drugs, Jeff.

That's just more drugs.

[Evelyn approaching]

Well, now everybody shut the fuck up!

Hold on! Oh-ho-ho!

Holy shit!

- Hey, what are you doing? Where are you going?

John! - A token for you, Preacher.

- What a hot piece of ass!

Ooh-ooh-ooh.

[inhales deeply]

I should lube up with oil

and dick your muffler.

- [Holy Men] Dick her muff! Dick her muff!

Dick her muff! Dick her muff!

- Don't touch her!

- Who spoke?

[chuckling]

Your tone sounded... envious.

I like that.

You want her, don't you?

- Say no. Say no. Say no. Say no.

- From one brother to another,

I propose a clash.

[exasperated groan]

- Oh, yeah.

[chuckling]

[collective chatter]

- Are you ready, son?

[chuckling]

[sniffling]

- So, what's your plan here, stud?

- Have you seen this guy?

A strong wind can blow him over.

I'm gonna kick his ass so bad I'm gonna be their king.

- That's the blow talking!

[screaming]

Oh, God!

[laughing]

Oof, Coke Jesus has a right hook!

- I heard something crack. I think it was my brain.

- Listen up, he's fast, so keep your distance.

You'll never get a good hit in if you're too close.

Honestly-- - I told you I got this.

Hit me. - [Quiet] What? John?

Fine, you're on your own.

[laughter] - [Preacher] Let's eat this guy!

- Surprise! - Ah, my eyes!

[grunting, groaning]

- [Holy Men] Ooh!

- Stay the fuck down, Preach!

[laughing]

- Whoo!

You ever drink your own blood?

It's intoxicating.

- What the f-- Oh!

[manic laughter]

Are you possessed?

- I was once. By a little demon baby.

Fucker made me kill a whole church of people.

Here we go!

I can still hear their screams.

I can't wait to hear yours!

[grunting, groaning]

I can't stop kicking!

- He's doing really well.

- Heh...

[electricity crackling]

- [Preacher] The Holy Ghost lives through me.

What should I do? Should I eat this guy?

Should I fuck this guy?

[grunting] Dirt nap!

[whistles]

- Get on your knees, you greasy little piglet

and lick my soiled boots.

- Oh! Yes, goddess.

Please, goddess.

[whimpering]

- Now, where are the keys to that car, vermin?

I wanna take it for a ride.

- Wait! Goddesses only ride shotgun.

That is our way.

- Not my way!

[groaning] - Yes, please!

[screaming]

- Oh, where are you going?

[grunting]

[manic laughter]

[grunting]

[grunting, groaning]

[grunting]

[cheers, manic laughter]

Yes! Yes! [laughter]

Take him to the cross!

[laughter]

Oh, come on, guys!

I've got a guy here

perfectly ready for the cross.

Meanwhile, this dead fucker is still up there!

[sighs] Say it with me.

- When the heart stops, the body drops.

- See? It's not that hard. Okay?

Now the whole vibe is ruined.

I-I guess take the new guy to timeout

and-and take that fucker down.

- Don't let it ruin your night!

- Too late, Janice!

[groaning]

[tree limbs snapping]

- Huh?

Come out! I heard you!

- Hey!

Hey, whoa! Take it easy, okay?

I-I'm just looking for some food.

You haven't got any, do you?

- Go away, butthead!

- Whoa, I'm not gonna hurt you.

- I said go away!

- Fuck!

Ugh, what the hell did you do that for?

Got me right in the veneers.

- I'm sorry, I was aiming for your balls.

- Well, that would have hurt, too.

But that's okay. You can make it up to me.

- Huh? - 'Cause it's dinnertime.

He's alone! Soo-ey!

[whooping] - Dinner time!

Child back on the menu, boys.

- I love veal!

- We're gonna getcha.

- Please, please, please, please!

Come on! [engine starts]

- Hey there!

[engine revs]

- Fuck you!

- [Preacher] Krevin, you're a fucking dunce!

This fuckin' idiot can't even get a hose

long enough to fill up my new baby.

- Dented Evelyn's hood, you asshole.

- [Quiet] So, you lost, huh?

- You don't know that.

This could be a winner's cage.

- Pssh.

I got us some wheels.

Piece of shit,

but it'll get us out of this nightmare carnival.

- I'm not leaving her.

- What? John, are you kidding?

You almost died!

I can't believe I have to say this,

but it's just a car, John.

- You don't get it. - [Quiet] No, I don't!

But I fought and bled.

I got whipped, I drank coke for you.

And your car.

And now you say I don't get it?

Fuck you!

What happened to us being partners, huh?

- I'm not leaving Evelyn.

- And I'm not dying for a fucking car.

- [Krevin] Preacher, Preacher!

Someone attacked Fenchy and took a car!

- What? Seal the camp!

- [Holy Man] Seal the camp! - [Holy Man] Seal the camp!

[indistinct commotion]

- We have to leave.

[church bell ringing] Now, John!

- Then go.

- [Young John] All right, where to next?

We can go anywhere you want.

Your choice.

[engine dies]

Or not.

**

I owe you for saving me back there.

I'll fix you up, I promise.

Just you, me, and the road.

Sounds good?

**

- Oh, thank God. I'm here, Evelyn, baby.

Let's get the hell out of here.

[gun cocks]

- I admire your thirst.

But if anybody's gonna fuck this car,

it's gonna be me.

[grunting, groaning]

**

You're not worthy of the mask.

- Good, it chafes.

[laughing]

- For I am the angel of death!

And I release you!

[gasps]

- No.

No, no, no.

Fuck. Fuck!

**

**

- Hurry up! Watch the Preacher's head.

Don't lose those!

That's the last of us.

Drive, prick! - Yes, goddess.

**

- Oh!

Oh, shit!

Oh, oh, my head.

No.

["My Immortal" by Evanescence playing]

**

* If you have to leave *

* I wish that you would just leave *

* 'Cause your presence still lingers here *

* And it won't leave me alone *

* These wounds won't seem to heal *

* This pain is just too real *

* There's just too much that time cannot erase *

* When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears *

* When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears *

* And I held your hand through all of these years *

* But you still have *

* All of me *

**

* You used to captivate me *

* By your resonating light *

* Now I'm bound by the life you left behind *

* Your face it holds *

* My once plans and dreams *

* Your voice it chased away *

* All the sanity in me *

* These wounds won't seem to heal *

* This pain is just too real *

* There's just too much that time cannot erase *

* When your cried I'd wipe away all of your tears *

* When you'd scream *

* I'd fight away all of your fears *

* You still have *

* All of me *

* Ah me *

* Ah me ah *

**

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