Original subtitles

Mein Name Ist Eugen - Rascals On The Road (2005) Eng.srt - fps: 25.000 Aka: My Name is Eugen http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0480558

Are you crazy, you idiot? Do you

know how much that church clock cost?

My name is Eugen. Enough said.

Because that spells a difficult youth.

This is our house.

Not just any old house,

Fritzli B�hler, the fabled

King of Rascals, once lived here.

Today he is a famous treasure hunter.

A treasure map

he bought from a Genovese sailor

made him the first human to reach

the dreaded Lake Titicaca.

He brought civilization.

All of a sudden, he realized

he must have left the map at home.

He returned at once.

The map remained lost.

Until one day Franz fished

Fritzli B�hler's safari shirt

out of the drain in our cellar.

Professor Gantenbein,

who had discovered

the language barrier, said:

This artifact is at least 300 years old.

Oh my Gosh!

Fritzli B�hler went on to live in Zurich,

where he found a lot to civilize.

Every year he wrote Auntie Melanie,

whose tenant he had been, a postcard.

She still lives on the 1st floor.

Come here, Miss Kitty!

She falls head over heels for kittens.

Aren't you hungry, Miss Kitty?

Do I have to call Dr Walter?

This is Uncle Herman, a big war hero.

The Swiss government awarded him

a box of waterproof matches.

Hermann, help!

But then he married Auntie Melanie.

She never let him breathe the open air.

He inexplicably began

playing with his food.

Soon after that he passed away.

Explicably.

Hermann! Fetch a doctor!

I live on the 2nd floor

and my best buddy Franz one floor up.

Franz! Lunch is ready!

Franz is battling Auntie Melanie's

underwear, what with him being

Berne's bravest knight.

He fears only the day when he'll first

have to kiss a girl.

This is Eduard.

He's already repeated 2 years in school

and can eat a whole piglet in one go.

And this girlie is B�schteli.

He's a rich kid and breaks as

easily as crockery. He has no buddies,

that's why he hangs around us.

No, don't!

Well! Have we caught a fish?

It's... Klameth!

Goddammit!

I'll be darned!

Mr. Klameth?

This must have fallen out of your pocket.

Cause it's still warm.

You mangy Dook!

I might have guessed you were behind this

Just you wait, sonny!

I shall smash thy bone!

From then on Franz was no longer called

Franz, but Wrigley.

Edi, help me!

I got him.

I don't got him!

Where's the fire? - Up there!

Fire and brimstone! Get out!

Help me!

Get the ladder up!

Real buddies hang on to each other.

Me,

B�schteli,

Eduard

and Wrigley. The same summer,

we were to become

the most famous rascals in Switzerland.

You're about to see what happened.

Berne 1964

Once a week our teacher Klameth

would drag us to the museum

for an art class. He never came in,

as he had to take his medicine and buy

more at the drugstore.

Art is only for little

girls and little B�schtelis.

Where are they?

Dunno.

And as Wrigley and I were proper

men and Eduard had even shaved once,

we felt that we had a higher

and indeed heavier calling.

Stout warriors, fair maidens!

I, Sir Ironhat, invite you to

a murderous joust in my castle.

But, Sir Ironhat,

where's your iron hat?

Squire! Hold forth the iron hat!

Bow thy head, noble knight!

Are you nuts? That hurts!

Get out of my way.

What are you doing?

You've slain Wrigley!

A little love tap never hurt anyone.

Lord Almighty!

Put that armor back at once.

Shut up.

Right.

And now, back to work!

It's no good.

Torture chamber

Are you crazy?

The others have all gone home.

That means I have to go, too.

I'm sure my mom's worried.

You can�t just leave me here!

You'll need a blacksmith. I'm hungry. Come.

What?

Help! Help!

Stop those brats!

Stop them! Police!

Jesus Christ!

Devil's brew!

And so, under cover of darkness,

we decided to make our way to my room.

The only place we'd be safely safe.

Half past nine.

I'll knock his block off!

That's the only way he'll learn.

Wrigley. It'll be all right.

What if your parents come in?

They won't, I'm sure.

Sure they'll come. Mine as well.

And then Wrigley had a brilliant idea.

He, his knightly highness, would lie down.

I, his faithful squire,

would be on guard, battle-axe in hand.

What? - My foot.

Do you know what time it is?

And what is this?

Hello, Mrs. Pfister.

That must hurt him.

Shut up. I'll be the judge of that.

Do you know what it's worth?

The museum bought this helmet

and the armor in 1926 for 22'540 francs.

The inflation brings it to 40'328 francs.

Roughly as much as the mortgage your

mum and I took out on this flat.

You'll cost us the roof over our heads!

You're off to work on a farm

for the summer holidays

and you'll pay the repairs on this helmet

What about the scouts' camp?

Cancelled.

And if you overdo

it again in the next few days,

you're off to boarding school, so you'll

be away from that brat Eugen.

Eugen. That Franz is the worst choice

for a buddy. And you can forget

about the scouts' camp.

But... - You'll help Auntie Melanie

with her garden for the next 4 weeks.

But everybody goes to that summer camp.

Is your name Everybody?

But I don't want to go to college.

Humanity begins with academia.

But you're just an accountant, Dad.

And Mom is just a mom!

YESTERDAY MORNING

Look out! Crocodile at port!

I said port, knucklehead!

This won't do.

We must plug the leaks

before setting off for Titicaca.

Right. Tomorrow we'll test

this baby for real on the Aare River

Okay? - No problem.

Hey, you up there! Quiet please!

Miss Kitty is sleeping.

Luckily for us, Miss Kitty did not

suffer permanent damage...

Aunt Melanie?

Aunt Melanie, however...

Miss Kitty? Hermann, help!

Stop it! Stop it!

It's not that bad.

I am swimming. - Come on.

Don't be so stubborn!

What are you looking at?

Did you work on this ceiling?

Stalder, the great do-it-yourselfer!

I haven't done anything. It was your son.

You're to blame for this hole.

Your insurance will have to pay!

I'll shut your own hole if you keep on

about my insurance!

Did your wife even make the payments?

Now what? Lf we wait for them to calm down

we'll be down here for 100 years.

No. If we find this treasure

we'll be so rich

we won't ever have to go back home.

Come on!

We don't even know where this is!

Fritzli B�hler does, though.

We're going to Zurich.

Are you crazy? You know that's dangerous?

My dad got his pocket picked there

at the Sechsel�uten parade.

Scaredy cat! Fritzli will be so amazed

when we turn up with his map.

He'll take us with him.

Where are you going?

None of your business.

If you don't tell me,

I'll tell Dad you're down there.

They're looking for you.

What?

Leave me alone!

Can't you look where you're going?

Watch your own step!

After a moment's reflection

Zurich didn't appear that dangerous.

And so we prepared for our journey.

We're still going to the scouts' camp.

They've gone. Come on!

There we were, speeding towards Zurich

and our hero, Fritzli B�hler,

the King of Rascals.

And not to the scouts' camp

as Wrigley'd made his sister believe.

Wrigley'd learnt about red herrings

in a Karl May Western novel. May got it

from Winnetou who got it from John Wayne.

Sometimes Wrigley had good ideas,

and sometimes not.

What are we going to eat, bonehead?

Your parents have all those tins

in their cellar. Why didn't you bring any?

That's spam.

But we can't take that.

Or else we won't be able to cope

when nuclear war comes.

You'd be the first to stop eating spam.

No problem.

On his expeditions Fritzli B�hler always

lived on what nature had to offer.

But we don't even have a fishing rod.

Fritzli B�hler never harmed

an animal.

He only ate honey and grasshoppers.

So they aren't animals?

That's different, they don't have to die.

Just put them in your mouth carefully.

Alive?

It's still better than kissing a girl.

Come on!

You look for honey in hollow trees

and I'll catch some grasshoppers.

We'll have a feast! Hand over the honey.

There's no honey, let alone hollow trees.

I've looked everywhere.

We'll eat the grasshoppers without honey.

You first.

Tasty?

Without the honey it doesn't slide down.

I could eat a ton of spam right now.

Straight from the tin.

Wrigley? If we leave now

we'll be home in time for breakfast.

My parents want to send me

to a boarding school with monks and nuns

What is in their basement?

A torture chamber where

they give you electroshocks. - Rubbish!

No rubbish! Ask Georges Wenger.

He was sent to boarding school, too.

And no-one's seen him since.

Vot temperature would you like

the water to be, Fr�ulein Colonel?

Minus 4 degrees, Chief of Staff Doctor.

At your orders, Fr�ulein Colonel!

Strip, inmate! We have total hygiene here!

No way, not in front of a girl.

Strip at once!

Only if you turn around. Don't peek.

Wrigley was right. There was no turning

back for him. We had to go to Zurich.

Track 1: Train to Lucerne,

Bellinzona, Chiasso. For Zurich

please change trains in Lucerne.

Isn't this B�schteli's bike?

Goddammit! What are you doing here?

You know it's not allowed! Out, now!

Are you mad?

You damned, rotten!

Bloody rascals! Stop!

What a surprise! Snake and Sniffle!

Sought you could slip in unseen without

your uniforms! Get changed right away!

We forgot our uniforms!

Now we know who'll be slaving in the

kitchen while we have super adventures.

Goddammit!

Gotcha! Come along!

Leave the children alone!

I'm their troop leader.

They are under my authority.

"Children"?

Damned rotten rascals, they are!

Next time I'll call the police!

Kids or no kids!

Have a seat!

Instead of going to Fritz B�hler's

we were forced to go to the scouts' camp.

Wrigley's brilliant red herring

had turned into a hot lead.

My goodness, Lucia!

They are at the scouts' camp!

Fathter!

Singing makes you hungry.

Here. You can have something.

Beef jerky!

My friend, B�schteli.

My scout name is Tarantula!

Estimable Serene Highness Tarantula.

Will you give us something?

This is all I have till Tuesday,

isn't that right, Bubble?

Come on. Your mother will send

you something on Monday.

There's the syrup. - It's not mine alone.

My parents gave it to the scouts

because of my good grades.

We haven't eaten anything since yesterday

Didn't you hear what Tarantula said?

You're not getting any!

Then came the spiral tunnels at Wassen.

We learnt at school that spiral tunnels

allowed the train to wind its way up

the mountain

like a spiral staircase.

If you don't get this it's okay.

Rubber will prove it to you.

You can prove that all tunnels circle

around. All you need is

a heavy object that you suthspend

on a long string like a pendulum.

It'll oscillate in the same direction

while the train turns underneath.

Raise the syrup bottle!

The mighty Bubble raised the string,

i.e. Eduard.

The knot was tied by me, Snake.

You can try yourselves.

A hiking boot will do, too.

And you all have two of shoes.

One, two, three, go!

Three? Now they are all at an angle

to the mothion of the train.

Look! We're approaching the tunnel...

We're moving in circles.

Wrigley crowned this breakthrough

in modern physics with a great lightshow.

Get down at onthe!

...and he gave the experiment...

I'm coming!

...a real kick in the pants.

Turn the light on, Thniffle!

I'm turning in a circle!

It's coming back!

Shit, oh shit!

Yummy, syrup.

Mr. Conductor.

Doggone and goddammit!

Have you gone mad?

Bloody hell! You blasted rascals!

I'll rip all your heads off!

Thpiral tunnelth. Our bootth.

After Rubber had seen stars

his love of children was gone for good.

Thut up, all of you!

Of course we took the blame.

We'll make Rubber see the northern lights

That slave driver!

10.7 cm?

Ath long ath this pit ithn't

at leatht 1.6 m deep, you'll thleep here.

The ground is much too hard!

It ith too hard? Are you two thithieth?

After we'd finished our forced labor,

it was high time to hightail it.

But this time we'd bring provisions.

Now then, B�schteli...

My scout name is Tarantula.

Get your mitts off!

Skinflint!

This is for me and Tarantula.

You've repeated 2 years in school.

No, three. Why?

I'll make sure he won't repeat again.

And if you do anyway

they'll send you to retard school!

I've got a plan

to keep you out of school for good.

What kind of plan?

Let me see! - Outside.

It's 300 years old.

If we find this treasure

you'll never have to go back to school.

Oh my gosh!

Well?

I'll have to wrap my head around it.

But right now I'm bushed.

So wrap your blockhead around it.

Phone me if anything comes out.

Dear Rubber.

As you abused us kids so horribly today,

we have to inflict

the punishment you deserve.

We took the liberty of partly cutting

the log. Yes, that one.

This one, too.

Thit, dammit!

What's the matter?

He's mad!

Why are you driving this way?

There's no way I'll let him pass.

He got his license at the supermarket.

Wouldn't hurt to speed things up a bit!

The speed limit is 40 mph! Slow down,

Pfister, or you'll get us all killed!

The boys will reach Mt. Gotthard before us

Jesus Christ on a bike!

Like a Dutchman.

Who's in charge of this camp?

I'm the troop leader, Rubber.

Where are Eugen and Franz?

Eugen and Franth?

Snake and Sniffle.

We're their parents.

Ah. Hello, Mrs... - Pfister.

Tho you had no trouble finding uth?

Thankth to my thketch?

Parent'th Day ith on Thunday,

which ith why I'm here...

Hygiene ith important in a camp.

Right! Stop the babbling!

Washing is pointless here.

Tell me where my son is, you pig!

I'll do a roll call.

Troop Murten? - Fully accounted for.

Troop Thempach? - Fully accounted for.

Troop Marignano? - Fully accounted for.

Troop Morgarten? - Snake, Sniffle, Bubble

and Tarantula are missing.

Stop!

Wait up!

What are you doing? That's my package.

Not now it isn't.

Bubble, do something!

It's the provisions for our journey.

Why? Where are you going?

We'll have real adventures. Coming?

Rubber sent me to the Post Office.

Give me my package or I'll tell.

So tell!

Go crying to your mummy, B�schteli.

My scout name is Tarantula.

We're no longer with the scouts, Tarantula

You're really mean!

Don't you dare tell anyone we're going

to see Fritz B�hler in Zurich.

Knucklehead!

Can we go now?

I'm tho dreadfully sorry.

If there'th anything I can do...

Where's the nearest phone?

We must phone B�schteli's parents!

In the potht offith at Carona.

Forget that bloody nincompoop! Come on!

Let me go! I won't tell anyone

where you're going! - No way.

You're coming with us.

If you let me go, you'll get beef jerky.

No dice. It's mine anyway.

Our parents! - Run for cover!

I want to go back.

No way. We're going to Zurich.

And if Fritzli B�hler doesn't live there?

He might live some place else and

we've crossed this mountain in vain.

Yeah, what do we do then?

Fritzli B�hler does live in Zurich.

Auntie Melanie gets a postcard each

April 1st with Zurich's snowman on it.

What if he doesn't want to see us?

Not want to see us? The King of Rascals?

Maybe he's turned into a normal grown-up.

Think again.

He will never be a normal grown-up.

And so I ask you,

from one rascal to another,

from one scoundrel to another:

Who wants to go back

to his parents, to school,

back to the scouts,

while there's a Fritzli B�hler

and a treasure in Lake Titicaca?

To Zurich!

To Zurich! Let's go!

Dammit!

Dear viewer, as if our flight hadn't

already been fraught with obstacles,

Wrigley had broken his pedal.

Taking it apart is one thing.

But putting it back together...

And added to the technical stuff

the aggravation of finding that

it just lacked a drop of oil.

But what good does all the oil in the

world do when the ball bearing breaks?

16 tiny balls...

There are 16 of these. If one is lost,

Wrigley will walk to Zurich.

I've found ten, so there must be 7 more.

Did I get that wrong?

Hold it!

No!

What are you doing to my chickens?

Help me! I was kidnapped!

Thieves! Bloody thieves!

Don't leave me alone!

If I catch you, I'll show you!

I'm gonna get my gun!

Oh no!

Go on!

Why do I have to go up there?

Cause it's your fault we've got this

girlie hanging around. Are you scared?

It's kinda high up.

If I fall and hit my head...

You'll know what 16 minus 10 is.

Come here, cluckety-cluck!

Got ya!

So come down.

Stay up there.

Oh my!

Salvatore! What are you doing?

Shooting. Can't you see?

Come on!

Let go!

I'm too high up!

They're kids!

They're bloody thieves!

I'm confiscating this gun!

It's mine! - Salvatore!

Salvatore, let go!

Or they'll shoot!

Stalder is doing this on purpose.

Don't get worked up.

Ruedi is simply a cautious man.

Vreni, the sleeping car has arrived.

See how dangerous? If I'd taken this bend

at 40 mph we'd be dead!

You bloody wops! Stand aside!

Go on! Finito siesta.

Have you a bit problem?

Have you visto 4 kids con bikes?

4 kids on bicycles?

Yes, exactly. Have you seen them?

Yes, I have. And who are you?

The mother... this is the papa.

Ah, the papa?

Attention! Attention!

The church clock is saved!

These are the kids' parents.

A miracle!

What did you say to that wop?

This doesn't look good.

That guy is nuts!

That guy is nuts!

Stalder! Watch what you're doing!

Now what?

While our parents spent hours

debating the value

of the village church,

we were obliged to wait

until the chicken would give up

Wrigley's ball bearings in a natural way.

I was of course handed the thankless job

of keeping an eye on B�schteli.

Hello.

I'm B�schteli from Berne.

I have to phone my mother.

Help!

Am I glad you're still alive.

I thought I was a goner.

You're pretty smelly.

Eugen, you're my buddy, right?

Sure I'm your buddy.

What funny business are you up to?

Well, I... - Did you run away?

B�schteli saved my life.

Bullshit.

He did. My legs went to sleep

so I took a walk in this meadow.

And suddenly this bull went for me.

Bull indeed.

A real monster.

He'd almost gored me with his horns

when B�schteli appears with a cloth,

yelling. The bull sees him

and charges.

B�schteli runs around this corner

and leaps into this cesspit.

The bull can't stop and - splash!

At full tilt.

B�schteli's a hero.

Bullshit. And where's the bull?

In the cesspit, of course.

Great. It would pass inspection as it is.

Are the lights moving?

Moving? No!

But they're shining.

They're supposed to move!

It is a major innovation!

The lights shine around the bend

so you see what's coming.

The way you drive around bends

even a candle would do.

I've had it! First you bang up

my Citroen, then you're broke,

so I have to pay for that church clock

that was no doubt ruined by your son.

Now shut up the both of you!

We'd like to sleep.

Let's write up an accident report.

Okay, let's write it.

Which of you three fugitive scoundrels

will join the pact that I propose,

here, this night,

in the heart of Switzerland?

I will. - I will. - I will.

We'll stand united as a people of brats.

We won't let necessity tear us asunder.

We shall be cheekier

than our fathers would allow.

We'd rather go hungry than miss a prank.

That night B�schteli became one of us.

And then there was another miracle...

Something must have happened to B�schteli

The working classes have never managed

to turn up on time.

Let's get started. - Sorry,

but I can't take a statement

until all the parents are here.

Can't you see that my wife is unwell?

Take down his description at least!

Okay. Show me a photograph

if you have one here.

They're all a month old.

His first day with the scouts.

What's the matter? Need a can opener

to pry her out of that box?

The door's stuck! - You're stuck up!

Are you Mr. Ramseier senior?

The father of Eduard Ramseier?

That would be me.

No, Edi's at the scouts' camp.

No, he's not there.

I'll have to ask my wife.

Wife! When was Eduard born?

Must have been...

between Martin and little Rita...

1950, August 30th.

August 30th, 1950.

I think. - She thinks.

We don't need that.

Edi's bound to turn up.

He's always managed to find his way home.

Mr. Ramseier won't report his son

as missing: Edi will find his way home.

That's what I think.

They must have at least 5 children.

All we have is B�schteli.

I don't give a damn what you think.

I want you to start a search

for my son.

Or should I tell my local government

friends about your incompetence?

Do the rest of you agree?

Right. I'll notify the police

at Wassen, Gurtnellen

and Hospental. - No.

You don't understand.

Turning over a few stones isn't enough.

I want a full-scale search

between here and Berne.

APB's, roadblocks and, if necessary,

army support!

Now do you understand?

Yessir!

And now I'll ring Hans Ringier.

It'll be in all the papers tomorrow.

Hello?

Hello?

I have no money for you.

I'd like to know

if you know Fritzli B�hler.

Do I look like a phone book?

I've found him!

Not a palace for the King of Rascals.

That's just a cover.

Oh, well. There's no way around it.

We'll have to abduct him.

Do you think

we can just wait here

for the King of Rascals and say:

"Hi, King, we're rascals, too."

He'd take us for sissies.

So you "abduck" him?

Exactly. - What does that mean?

We show him we are masters of the prank.

Now!

Hit him!

Right, Fritzli B�hler.

Now you know once and for all:

You're not

dealing with sissies!

No, don't! We won't hurt you!

We're looking for Fritzli B�hler.

I'm Franz.

That's Eduard... Eugen...

and B�schteli.

From Berne.

What do you want from my father?

Fritzli B�hler? A daughter?

Anything wrong with that?

No. But why did he never mention you

to Auntie Melanie? - Auntie Eliane?

No, Melanie.

In Berne, where Fritzli used to live.

My father's always lived in Zurich.

Let's go. - But Fritzli B�hler...

It's the wrong one!

What's going on here?

What did you do to her?

We're just playing cowboys and Indians.

Stop!

Hands up!

What tribe do these redskins belong to?

These are my friends from the Emmental.

They sang with the Langnau boys' choir.

Franz, Eugen,

Eduard and B�schteli.

Emmental. - Emmental.

A hearty appetite, have a Swiss bite.

The dear Lord must have put something

into the rain.

Eduard - of all people - and Wrigley

couldn't eat a bite

and kept staring at the girl

as if she were a shiny new toy.

Aren't you hungry?

I'm not a big eater.

Me too. Me neither.

No!

Later, Wrigley didn't think up a new plan

for finding the real Fritzli B�hler

or watch the soccer game with us.

No, he disappeared for an eternity

and came back with a soggy note.

"Fritzli B�hler's daughter is a maid

that my heart to waste has laid

You beautiful Indian princess

have knocked me out. I'm a mess.

Oh, tell me, can you spare a glance

and a kiss for a boy named Franz?"

Never had I seen Wrigley so sad

when the Swiss team scored a goal.

Franz has been in there for half an hour.

Mademoiselle?

When the perfumed peacock

had spread his tail flat on the floor

we took up our quarters.

I can't sleep for the smell in here.

I don't smell a thing.

It's you who smells! What's up with you?

Nothing.

My father calls this

"cherchay la famm". - What does it mean?

It's French, it means, there's a smell.

Doesn't it mean "look for the woman"?

Bullcrap. Tell that to your retard friends

Oh well, I gave it a shot.

Come on!

Let's get out of here.

I think they're asleep.

Where are you going?

To find the real Fritzli B�hler.

He'll be asleep. We'll find him tomorrow.

I know why he wants to stay here.

He loves girls!

Take that back! No way do I love girls.

You love girls. - You do!

While they argued for hours

about which was the real lover of girls,

night turned into day.

That's a dangerous scoundrel you caught.

Yes, and here are three more, to boot.

Darn it, where's Kathrin?

The train leaves in 20 minutes.

I forgot my backpack.

Well then, skedaddle!

I forgot my backpack.

Nothing else?

We're coming!

Got everything?

Tickets, backpacks, good spirits?

Change trains in Lucerne

and make sure that all your bikes

reach Langnau.

When you're next in Zurich, look us up.

Sure we will.

Thanks for everything!

You're welcome, you silly boys.

Come on!

What about my bike?

Do you want to go to the Emmental or

on adventures with Fritzli B�hler?

Missing: 4 boys! 15,000-franc reward.

Boys!

Sorry!

We're trapped!

Look, boys.

Nothing will happen to you.

We'll just take you to your parents.

Never!

One step closer and we'll jump!

Boys!

Don't make this hard on yourselves.

We had fun last night, right?

We'll swim over there! - No!

Come on! - No!

Eugen! Dammit! - I can't swim!

Come along now. Or we'll come for you.

But I've been to the pool with you!

But not at the deep end!

Stop!

Goddammit all to hell!

"The boys were last seen in Altdorf.

Industrialist Peter von Allmen,

father of the missing Sebastian,

is offering a 15'000 franc reward

for finding the children."

Like the treasure of Lake Titicaca.

15'000 francs.

I think my dad is serious.

I know how to get that money.

How? - You wait here.

I'll fetch the police.

You idiot. You don't get a finder's fee

for finding yourself.

But what if someone else found us?

The real Fritzli B�hler.

He can take us home,

get the 15'000 francs and

take off with us again. - Great, Wrigley.

No. There's no Fritzli B�hler in Zurich.

Sure there is. We just haven't found him.

We checked the phone book.

Only one Fritzli B�hler,

and we stayed with him.

Maybe he changed his name.

Then we'll never find him. You tell

all these half-true or made-up stories.

Because of you,

all of Switzerland is after us. - Relax!

Everything's fine.

Nothing's fine. We have no bikes, no

backpacks, and no food. Eduard was shot at,

B�schteli's parents are worried sick.

Go ahead by yourself. I'm going home.

I'm going with you.

Go on! I'll keep looking

with Eduard.

Eugen is right. B�schteli has to go home,

I'm going with them.

I'll go looking for him on my own.

Beat it!

By the time you find him,

mankind will have reached the moon.

W... where did they go? - Who?

The ones that stole my cap.

In the name of the post office: Well done!

I'm appointing you

Postmaster General!

What are you crying about?

I'm looking for... Fritzli B�hler.

The King of Rascals.

That Fritzli B�hler! He's a good

friend of mine and of theirs.

We're about to meet at the Beer Hall.

Ever had a beer?

Sure, more than one.

So you're from Berne?

Yes, and I also live in the house

where Fritzli B�hler used to live.

What was the deal?

A swig after every sentence!

Two sentences. Two swigs.

One, two, one, two...

One...

two...

I wonder what Wrigley's doing.

He's ringing every doorbell in Zurich,

asking for Fritzli B�hler.

Do you think he doesn't exist?

Sure he does, but not in Zurich.

What if something happens to Wrigley?

When's Fritzli coming?

Him? Any time now.

Heidi, another beer for Wrigley.

Yes! Another beer for Wrigley!

Beer, beer, beer.

Don't piss yourselves.

He could have come with us.

Maybe we left a bit too quickly.

Usually he's quicker than any of us.

Yes. Jumping into the river after you.

What'll we tell Wrigley's mom

if we come home without him?

She thinks we're his friends.

What next?

Fritzli took the chock from under the

chestnut-vendor's stall, it crashed into

a railing and sent the chestnuts flying.

Did Fritzli never tell you this?

No. And here's a really good one.

He never will.

Why not?

Because there is no Fritzli B�hler.

He doesn't exist!

And now about you, Franz Stalder.

Did you see how fast one can go?

A Rolls-Royce is not an Opel.

I don't usually floor it,

but my son is at stake.

I hope B�schteli is among them.

Didn't he say on the phone?

No, just that they picked up 3 boys

with bicycles at the station.

A conductor noticed them.

He calls me and says:

"I've got those children."

I didn't catch on at once.

"What kids?" "The ones from the paper."

I hadn't read the paper.

Say l: "Paper?"

Says he: "The missing children from Berne.

From the front page."

I dashed down to the cafeteria.

Says I: "This is urgent. Hand me the paper"

They hand it to me. I take a look.

And then back to the phone.

"Stop them!" says I. "Detain them!

I'll send two men over."

They deployed, reported back to me

and arrested

the juvenile delinquents.

You haven't locked up these children

in a cell down here?

The cells are on the top floor.

I one of these brats sawed through

the bars and jumped out I'd have

to scrape him off the floor downstairs.

The children are in here.

In the heating room.

And why? It's warm and cozy.

If you sign a receipt, you can take them.

Here are your children.

Now, about this 15'000-franc reward...

This boy is worth 15'000 francs!

The only thing we have to do

is deliver you safely home.

We found a train that goes to Berne!

Wrigley, you bonehead!

Oh my gosh!

Let me go home!

No, we'll take you there.

Heidi, call a taxi!

Yes! A taxi! For Wrigley!

Where to? - To Berne, you cow!

We have to help Wrigley.

I haven't done anything.

Yes, you cry like a girl.

Like a girl with a square hairdo!

Hey, our bikes!

What the hell is going on?

Wrigley, run!

Ah, you've come, too!

The five of us can take the taxi.

Let him go!

What do you want, you hick!

Red alert!

I have everything under control.

Goodbye, Chief Constable.

So where are our children?

The Chief Constable said

he'd like to apologize for this faux pas.

Apparently we're not the only ones.

What does that mean?

That newspaper story brought on

350 reports from Central Switzerland,

250 ID checks

and the arrest of 60 boys.

The Chief Constable thinks

it's due to that 15'000-franc reward.

That happens when a fat cat gets involved.

The bigger the turd, the more flies...

Mind your language! - That's what happens

when money's no object.

B�schteli is worth that much for me.

Enough! I'm going back to Berne.

These boys are bound to turn up.

A good mother can sense that.

You're right, Vreni. We're coming too.

Let them do as they please.

Is our child only worth 15'000 francs?

No, finding our child

is worth 15'000 francs to me.

Where's the difference?

It's too much! - Too much?

Yes, too much!

Who'll relieve me of those 3 spare kids?

Stop! I can't go on.

I'm sorry.

So am I.

Me, too.

And I can't do this without you.

We shall stand

united as a people of brats.

We won't let necessity tear us asunder.

We shall be cheekier

than our fathers would allow.

We'd rather go hungry than miss a prank.

The end

Come on! You've gotta see this.

FRITZ B�HLER - TELEVlSION SETS

Well, Mrs. Bianchi,

here's your TV set.

A TV? Why?

Last week, your husband, Alfredo,

told me to bring you the new Halux 500.

That's our new state-of-the-art model.

My husband Alfredo died 10 years ago.

Bye, sonny.

You don't have to buy this TV. But you

want to watch TV from time to time...

News, nature programs, religious broadcasts

in Italian... - You don't say!

Even you have something to learn.

Whenever and for as long as you like.

How am I supposed to pay for this?

Let's make a deal.

I'll leave it here for 2 weeks for free.

Free?

Free.

Come in, I'll make you a cup of coffee.

Come into the kitchen.

Look at that: The Pope!

Mamma mia! The Holy father!

Now you won't be so lonely anymore.

What if Fritzli's on holiday

and won't be back for 2 weeks?

He wouldn't have left that TV set.

Maybe it's broken.

No, it isn't.

Now what?

End of the line!

Get out! Now!

Turn around. Hands up!

Are you... Fritzli B�hler?

It says so plainly on my van, you thief.

We came especially from Berne to find you

To steal a TV?

No.

We wanted to ask you...

where this treasure is. - What's that?

Let's see.

How is Auntie Melanie?

It's him.

It's him. - It's him.

It's him.

The King of Rascals.

A wondrous destiny was at work

in the dark corners of the universe:

Before the first man had set foot

on the moon

we set foot

into the house of Fritzli B�hler.

Enjoy.

Yum, mashed potatoes!

So you drive around all day

selling TV sets?

I set them up in people's homes

for 2 weeks for free. When I come back,

they're hooked and pay up.

And when the Halux 500 breaks down

after a month, I'm not in the phone book.

How much is a Halux 500?

999 francs.

That's not that much.

My big brother's TV cost 1'000.

My neighbor. He's a loony tune.

B�hler, I have a court order here.

I've already got that one.

You know you're not to cook after 9 p.m.

You've told me that 100 times.

Life on a campground

depends on mutual respect.

But you young people don't have any.

If you know all that,

why were you barred from the local

campground after 3 months?

And they didn't want you at the allotment

Says who? - Wiesendanger.

A square who thinks

you're too square.

B�hler, watch your step.

Tomorrow I'll go tho the DMV. Prepare

to surrender your license plates.

Even better:

I'll make sure

your sleazy home is junked.

That does it. Come on, boys.

Luckily, Fritzli had an emergency stash

of a sleeping potion brewed by the

Titicaca Indians for a covert operation

to drive the square out of Hauser.

And now?

Now Hauser was out of commission and

ready for the climax of our prank,

which we had worked out with Fritzli

in detail.

How to get rid of a square

1. Call Roberto

2. Procure plank

3. Bring plank

Attach chain

5. Extend crane

6. Raise square and...

...7. take him for a ride.

Roberto, thanks a million.

I'll take that to Genoa

and you give me that Halux 500.

Be careful, it's addictive.

To Genoa? - Close enough.

While Hauser was on his way

to an unwanted holiday, our own holidays

finally started as they should have.

We're never going home.

This was the best moment of our lives.

We had found Fritzli

and he hadn't become a normal grown-up.

That night, we and Fritzli became

a real gang and made plans

for what we'd do

with the Lake Titicaca treasure...

until the break of dawn.

Fritzli's gone!

Fritzli's gone!

Wake up!

What?

That's impossible!

What's going on? - Fritzli's gone.

What's going on? - Fritzli's gone.

Why?

I don't know. All his stuff is gone.

Maybe he moved house

and forgot to tell us.

Yes, and I bet he left his address here.

Hey, I found something!

A crocodile.

This isn�t just any old crocodile,

that's one that Fritzli shot!

What's that? - 4 first-class

tickets to Berne.

I think he wants us to go home.

And then we were on the train to Berne

without the treasure from Lake Titicaca.

Home to our parents, to school, the scouts.

But it won't be the same home,

because we aren't the same anymore.

We carry a treasure in our hearts

nobody can ever take from us.

This treasure, dear viewer, is what

you've just seen. You may ask:

Where was this treasure?

Was it this adventure or that one?

Was it Kathrin or Fritz B�hler?

Or was it?

What are you doing in first class?

Well, I don't know.

But it's there,

locked in our hearts,

and it will shine for us in the dark.

Even on the darkest of days...

Are you crazy, you idiot?

Do you know how much that clock cost?

Your chocolate mousse.

THE END

Stop! You'll want to know where Fritzli is

Will you go hunting in Peru?

Yes, on Lake Titicaca.

Crocodile hunting.

Ah, crocodiles.

Would you like a drink?

I'll have a Campari Soda.

THE END

No, there's something missing!

A whole year later...

Shall we?

See you later.

What about us?

Well, have you ever done it?

Lotsa times.

Will you show me?

You'll have to shut your eyes.

But so do you.

B�hler, on the camping...

Mates. This is our new ship boy.

Heeelp!

Police! Help!