Original subtitles

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do

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so

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ugh

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hmm

so

yo dave what's up man

much what's up with you not the much

it's [ __ ] late already

yeah so they get out 15 minutes earlier

today

you wanna go what do you think

man i gotta do something i'm really

losing it

losing what my mind

oh maybe you need a bong kid [ __ ] that

it's the same [ __ ] i can't take it

anymore

every day man day after day is the same

thing

every day i wake up every day i play

with the snooze button for an hour

every day i call you up to wake you're

sorry ass up and every day i try to do

10 push-ups you can't do 10 lousy

push-ups

shut up every day we go to see the

retards and every day we

are yours and ari's house getting high

and watching tv

i just gotta do something

like what dave

okay check this out tierra del fuego

what land of fire we take a road trip to

the southernmost tip of south america

well i was looking forward to biking

around the orient

all right maybe we can go bungee jumping

over the grand canyon

i'm serious man schemes

every day we come up with another scheme

we'll never pull off no man this one is

doable

you've got to get over that beat myth

now everyone thinks it's better

somewhere else

we got guys like us in beijing barcelona

the [ __ ]

berkeley the difference is they all want

to come here

it's all in your head [ __ ] that zen [ __ ]

you're telling me you're at peace in

your couch potato throne channel surfing

through numbing waves of blue radiation

huh it's not where you are it's where

you're at

when i hold a remote i am there i

commune because my addiction is complete

i am fulfilled

you don't get it do you

take blue and you remember blue blue

yeah his real name was mike but we all

called him blue because he watched so

much tv

i don't remember he's the same loser who

slashed miss watson's tires

you mean that quiet geek who all used to

wear that billy squire t-shirt

whatever happened to that loser well he

was just like us

the worst hooked a do nothing but

watch tv out and out junkie

his dad was a tv repairman and all of

the unclaimed tv sets we end up in their

living room

day after day week after week year after

year

blue watched no friends no homework

no sports nothing they thought it was

[ __ ] they came close to sending him

away

so what's the point then one late night

it happens

some network shows one of those 1950

biblical

you know the type with elizabeth taylor

and joe brenner

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it's a film on the story of abraham you

remember the story of abraham

no remind me well abraham's father was

an idol maker right yes so

and when the lord called abraham you

remember abraham wrecked his father's

idol shot

i'm with you go ahead so blue the son of

a tv repairman

who has been taking in a steady 11 hours

of tv a day

his entire [ __ ] life suddenly makes

the connection

he sees his father as the adam

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so on with the divine call he picks up a

baseball bat

and looks at it

sparks glass tvs burning in flames

except for one it's in flames

but it's not burning

the burning bush right but it's a tv

and then it talks to him the tv the

[ __ ] tv

do not come near you get off the shoes

from your feet

where you are

nah no really and then blue takes off

his high tops

and the voice says i have come down to

deliver you into the wilderness

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the truth yeah the truth

the meaning of life hey guys

all right hurry what's up nothing much

what's up with you

nothing much what's up nothing much

what's up with you nothing much

i'm gonna check up on my grandma what

are you guys up to

what do you think oh [ __ ]

are you guys still torturing those

innocent people come on it's not that

bad it's just something we do

yeah you're just watching are you still

sucking on the cathode nipple

how about you who are you this week the

maoists of malaysia are the

stalinists of siberia junkie

you know if you were unique then maybe

i'd feel sorry for you

but you're just a pathetic cliche did

you know that the average gringo watches

eight hours a day

i mean think about that we sleep for six

work for eight

and watch for eight so what is that six

and eight is what fourteen

and eight is what twenty-two huh

she can add that just leaves two hours

left over to eat

[ __ ] and [ __ ] man you're depressing me

and we got to get a move on do you want

to come

i don't know what else do you have to do

i'm going to go check up with my grandma

come on just check it out and see what

it's all about

well if you guys come with me my

grandma's first thought you said they

got out early today

come on we can raid her fridge i don't

know

she's got a pint of chunky monkey yeah

all right

hi grandma

how are you today you're looking good

grandma these are my friends dave and

pete i've known them for years

hi

so what are you gonna do today huh

grandma you feeling all right

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she gets like this sometimes i don't

know if she knows we're here but at

least she's got the tv

you want to see something really weird

what it only happens when bob barker's

on

what watch here is the first item up for

bids and the price is right

[ __ ] weird come on let's go i gotta

get out of here

grandma i gotta go now but i'll come by

and see you later alright

i love you

all right let's go vamanos

pete

blue the junkie yeah marissa bradder

used to date him

she dumped him because she caught him

jerking off to the home shopping network

oh man well at least he wasn't jerking

off the sesame street

sick [ __ ] so finish the story all right

yeah lay it on us

who begins his quest so blue is

convinced that his tv watching days are

over

a recovered junkie come on ari blue is

convinced

that the lord has given him a sign that

that in the wilderness will discover the

truth

just in his best sunday clothes he

exposes himself to elect

city of the snake

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so

lost he drowns himself into three great

temptations

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so first is consumed by food

hamburgers cheeseburgers bacon avocado

burgers

chunkies reese's pieces almond joys and

hershey's

captain crunch cocoa puffs lucky charms

and weedles

taco bell mickey d's burger king and

wendy's

but he's still where he started lost

so blue continues his quest for the

truth

and next is consumed by drugs

cocaine scentsy ecstasy

morphine heroin amphetamines

crank crack lsd cigarettes

chocolate sugar glue coffee

but he's still where he started lost

so finally he searches for the truth

that sex

male hookers female hookers 14 year old

boy hookers

hand jobs blow jobs long

tongue do rim jobs but he's still where

he started

lost food

sex drugs

they were all decoys blue couldn't

understand

how he had missed the truth

although he didn't have to go to tierra

del fuego

he had searched all of la and found

nothing

then he told himself that he would stop

where he was

and not move until he found the truth

and he believed it

and that is how he found it

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so what's the point he did not find it

until he made up his mind to find it

and that is what he did

he sat down

and when his butt hit the ground at that

moment

he found it he believed

it he became it he was

it

so it must be a tv set

no [ __ ] it is nowhere it is

everywhere

you can find it wherever you are smoking

dope

fishing trout getting laid you just have

to sit down and realize that it

is it all held to the grand buddha

so your point is you can commune while

watching tv

no not just tv

you can commune while doing anything

anytime anywhere

you just made it

i mean we watch because we have an

appetite for distraction not because

we're communing

last one to just get now

i mean look at us now instead of

standing around here picking our asses

exploiting these guys we could do

something there's nothing to do

there's no difference between sitting at

home and watching tv

or standing here and watching the

retards you see there's nothing going on

there and there's nothing going on here

you know why don't you try volunteering

some of your free time and helping these

guys hey you know what

they don't need any help and they are

doing something

we're doing something too there's no

difference just like us

there is a difference these guys are

doing something they're living

they're going what are you talking about

they're just going on the bus

that's right that's exactly right

they're going on the bus

step by step moment by moment they're

living

they're going

what the [ __ ] are you talking about

these guys they understand

there is no past no future it's just now

they're living they're going

i gotta go

i gotta go where i gotta go with them

come on we gotta go catch the bus i'm

all set right here

let's go all right i gotta go hey

hey dave dave where are you going

dave dave leave him alone there's going

home

dave what the [ __ ] is he doing

pete man what the [ __ ] is he doing

he's on a road trip with a busload of

retards

you guys are the [ __ ] retards i'm

getting the [ __ ] out of here

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blue

p

pete what are you gonna do

i don't know what are you gonna do

i don't know i'm gonna go watch them too

yeah what song

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where you've been do you know you know

the answer

do you really care

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we are

[Applause]

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oh

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wow

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is

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do you really care what's the answer

what's the answer

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you