Original subtitles

On Sunday August 13th 1961, the eyes of America were on the nation's capital,

where Roger Maris was hitting home runs number 44 and 45 against the Senators.

On that same day, without any warning,

the East German communists sealed off the border between East and West Berlin.

I only mention this to show the kind of people we're dealing with - real shifty.

Having been stationed in Berlin, I know what I'm talking about.

Let's go back to last June.

Considering it was a divided city, life in Berlin was more or less normal.

Traffic flows free through the Brandenburg Gate

and it wasn't too much trouble to pass from one side of the Iron Curtain to the other.

Some East German police were rude and suspicious, others suspicious and rude.

The Eastern Sector, under communist domination, was still in rubble,

but the people went about their daily business - parading.

These constant provocations failed to provoke the West Berliners.

They were too busy rebuilding.

The Western Sector, under allied protection,

was peaceful, prosperous and enjoyed all the blessings of democracy.

Just by coincidence, this happens to be the company I work for.

Danke schbn.

Danke schén, Fritz.

Danke schbn.

Danke schén already!

Sitzen machen.

Schlemmer!

Good morning, Mr MacNamara.

How many times have I told you I don't want those people standing at attention?

- I know. I have given strict orders. - Can't they get it through their heads?

- They're in a democracy now. - That is the trouble.

Before, if I told them to sit they would sit. Now they do what they want. They stand.

- Any word yet from the mayor's office? - Yes, sir.

- No Coke machine in the Reichstag. - Sometimes I wonder who won the war.

Did you pick up those airline tickets for my wife and children?

Three seats to Venice via Frankfurt.

Call the Frankfurt plant for another 100,000 bottles.

People keep smuggling Cokes into the Eastern Sector.

Next. I'm expecting the Russian Trade Commission at 10.30.

- Yes, sir. - Next. You're fired.

- Sir? - Unless you stop clicking your heels.

Yes, sir. I'm sorry. I keep forgetting myself.

- That old Gestapo training, huh? - You must not say that. It is not true.

- What did you do during the war? - I was in the underground.

- Resistance fighter? - No, motorman. In the subway.

- Of course you never liked Adolf. - Adolf who?

Down where I was I didn't know what was going on up there.

That will be all, Schlemmer. Rausmachen.

- Guten Morgen. - Guten Morgen to you, Fraulein Ingeborg.

It is not Fraulein, it is Fréulein. With an Umlaut.

I'll say. Monthly report.

To WP Hazeltine, home office, Atlanta, from CR MacNamara, Berlin branch.

Production figures for May, 270,000 cases.

Consumption per capita now 5.2 per cent above last year.

Outselling Rhine wine eight to one, rapidly creeping up on draft beer.

Next. Campaign to reorient German businessmen's lunch succeeding.

27 per cent now having Coke with their Knackwurst.

Now, here's a real hot flash.

We may become the first American company to crack the Iron Curtain.

I have started negotiations with the Russian representative.

It looks most promising. More later.

Next. What did you do over the weekend?

- Nothing. I stayed home waiting for you. - I couldn't get away.

But there's good news tonight.

Yes?

Mrs MacNamara? Put her on.

- Yes, Phyllis. What's the matter? - It's Tommy. We're having a crisis.

Why don't you talk to him?

Tommy, your father's on the phone.

Hello, Dad.

- Nothing. Mother's ganging up on me. - What do you mean by that?

Your mother's right. What are you going to do with roller skates in Venice?

- All the streets are underwater. - So what? I'm taking my snorkel.

Here. Your husband wants to talk to you.

Grrr...

- Yes, Mac. - Look, let him pack what he wants.

All right, so I'm spoiling him. Big deal.

Don't worry. Pick me up at the office and I'll take you to the airport.

Yes, mein Filhrer.

- Bertha asks what you'd like for dinner. - I've got a deskful of work.

I'll just grab a quick bite somewhere. So long, dear.

- Like I said, good news. - Your wife, she's making a trip?

- Going on vacation. Mit die Kinder. - Ach so.

So tonight we'll start the German lessons again.

- You must be getting rusty. - We'll just have to work twice as hard.

- Das ist gut? - Sehr gut.

And the first thing we'll do is brush up on the Umlaut.

Das ist wunderbar.

Like all the lilacs in Lower Bavaria.

- The communist gentlemen are here. - Send them in.

Fraulein Ingeborg, put that on the teletype to Atlanta.

- And take your gum. - Jawohl.

Nice to see you again, Comrade Mishkin. Hey.

Ah, Mr MacNamara.

Commissar Peripetchikoff, chairman of our trade commission.

And Comrade Borodenko from the soft-drinks secretariat.

Sit down.

- Sit down, boys. - We have no objection.

- Cigarettes? Cigars? - Take one of these.

Thanks.

- Made in Havana. - We have trade agreement with Cuba.

- They send us cigars, we send rockets. - Good thinking.

Comrade Mishkin tells me you are keen on getting Coca-Cola into Russia.

He is totally wrong. I did not say keen. I said we are mildly interested.

Nevertheless.

Comrade Mishkin suggested we start with six bottling plants. Moscow, Leningrad...

You guys got cheated. This is a pretty crummy cigar.

Do not worry. We send them pretty crummy rockets.

As I was saying. Six plants.

Moscow, Leningrad, Stalingrad, Kiev, Kharkov and Minsk. Right?

Wrong. I never mentioned Minsk. I said Pinsk.

All right. Pinsk is in, Minsk is out. Our contract will contain the usual provisions.

- We supply the syrup, you do the bottling. - Certainly not. You supply the formula.

Forget it. We give it to you, first thing we know the Chinese communists'll have it.

- No formula, no deal. - OK, no deal.

We do not need you. If we want Coca-Cola, we invent it ourselves.

Oh, yeah? In 1956 you flew a bottle of Coke to a secret laboratory in Sverdlovsk.

Your chemists went nuts trying to analyse the ingredients. Right?

No comment.

In 1958 you planted two agents in our home office to steal the formula.

What happened? They both defected.

Now they're in Florida packaging instant borscht. Right?

- No comment. - Last year you put out an imitation.

Kremlin-Cola. But even the Albanians wouldn't drink it.

- They used it for sheep-dip. Right? - No comment.

So either get down to business or get off the pot.

If we are to live together in peaceful coexistence, there must be give and take.

- Oh, sure. We give and you take. - What is the matter. You do not trust us?

No comment.

If you do not mind, we have a conference.

Help yourself.

What is this?

My employees gave it to me. On the tenth anniversary of the Berlin Airlift.

Are we going to stand here and listen to cheap propaganda?

Relax, Boris. While they are putting Uncle Sam in cuckoo clocks

we will put Soviet cosmonaut on moon.

You may be the first to shoot a man to the moon,

but if he wants a Coke on the way he will have to come to us.

All right. We agree in principle. You supply the syrup.

Next. The deal will be set up on a royalty basis.

In Russia we do not have royalty. Not since we liquidate the tsar.

You'll pay us a percentage of the gross.

- Money? - Dollars?

You would accept three-week tour of Bolshoi Ballet?

- Please. No culture, just cash. - The ugly American.

- We reserve the right to plant inspection. - And we reserve the right to veto.

- Our inspectors will be entitled to-- - We veto it.

I thought so.

Forget details. Draw up temporary agreement.

- We will submit to Moscow. - I'll consult with Atlanta.

- When will papers be ready? - I'll put my secretary to work on it.

- She's that blonde lady? - That's the one.

Send papers to East Berlin with blonde lady in triplicate.

- The papers in triplicate or the blonde? - See what you can do.

We are staying at the Grand Hotel Potemkin.

- How about a vodka and Coke? - No, thank you.

We have meeting with Swiss trade delegation.

They sent us 20 carloads of cheese. Totally unacceptable. Full of holes. Bye.

See you round the campus.

Ring-a-ding-ding!

- What is it? - It is the overseas operator.

You are to stand by for a call from Atlanta.

They must have gotten my teletype about the Russian deal.

- It went good? - Good? Look at this.

All virgin territory. 300 million thirsty comrades.

Volga boatmen and Cossacks, Ukrainians and Outer Mongolians

panting for the pause that refreshes.

Do you realise what it means?

- The stock, it will go up? - I'll go up.

Head of all European operations, headquarters in London.

- May I be the first to congratulate you? - Should have had that job five years ago.

But I got loused up by Benny Goodman.

- Benny Goodman? - I was in charge of the whole Middle East.

Nine countries, 15 bottling plants all facing Mecca.

Goodman and his band were coming through on a goodwill tour.

30,000 people showed up for the concert.

But Benny didn't. His plane was delayed by a sandstorm.

So the mob marched on the American embassy.

So they burned down the Coca-Cola plant.

You know it.

There was a rhubarb at the home office and I was exiled to South America.

Schlepping that syrup over the Andes on llamas

while kids were being promoted over my head.

But you are in Berlin now. This is not the doghouse.

I used to have nine countries. Now I've got half a city.

But... ha-ha! MacNamara rides again.

I'll be the white-haired boy now. I'm going all the way.

Yes?

It's Atlanta.

Hello, Mr Hazeltine? Yes, I can hear you.

- I'm fine. How are you? - If you must know, I'm miserable.

Those damn magnolias are in bloom again and so is my hay fever.

MacNamara, there's something I'd like to discuss with you.

I thought you would. You got my teletype?

It's right here in front of me. Those figures for May are not bad at all.

Thank you, sir. And how about the Russian deal?

Napoleon blew it, Hitler blew it, but Coca-Cola's gonna pull it off.

Forget it. We are not interested in doing business behind the Iron Curtain.

We're not interested in Russia?

I wouldn't touch them with a ten-foot pole. And I want nothing to do with Poles either.

But this could be the biggest thing for us since we introduced the six-pack.

- Well, if it's against policy... - You're damn right.

But that's not what I called about. I'd like you to do me a personal favour.

You want me to ship Mrs Hazeltine another set of Meissen china?

No, it's about our daughter, Scarlett. She's 17 now.

Sweet girl. Fell in love with some rock 'n' roll singer.

No, that was the one before. This is some pimple-faced basketball player.

Anyway, we sent her off on a little trip to Europe.

- Where was I? - Scarlett, basketball player, Europe...

Oh, yes. We had her spend a couple of weeks in Rome and a couple in Paris.

She's arriving in Berlin this afternoon. So if you and Mrs MacNamara...

We'd be delighted to have her stay. It's just that my family has made plans.

- And I have a few plans of my own. - If it's any sort of imposition, never mind!

I wasn't thinking of myself. It's your daughter I'm concerned about.

With the political situation in Berlin the way it is, anything can happen.

Exactly. That's why I want you to take good care of her.

She's just a child really, and I don't like her to stay in a hotel alone.

She's flying Pan Am. The plane is due in Berlin at 4.30.

Unless those damn commies shoot it down.

Pan American gibt die Ankunft des Clippers 712 aus Paris bekannt.

- Here. You give her the flowers. - Cut it out. What was I going to do?

The boss asked me to look after his only daughter.

What about your only children and your only wife? We were ready to go.

- Don't you think we were disappointed? - We'll just have to put things off.

- The snorkel and the Umlaut - The what?

The thing is to make sure the girl has a good time

so she'll talk about our man in Berlin.

It's such a nuisance. Bertha will have to cook Sauerbraten Southern-style.

- Come on, make an effort. - Yes, mein FUhrer.

- Is this the Paris plane? - Oui, monsieur.

- Isn't there a Miss Hazeltine? - There was, but we have lost her.

- You lost her? - She has joined the crew.

Scarlett Hazeltine if I ever saw one.

I'm MacNamara. This is Mrs MacNamara.

- Welcome to Berlin. - Hi there.

- How was your fight'? - Just manly.

The boys let me buzz Dilsseldorf.

May I have your hat? OK, fans. Drop 'em in.

- Pick one, will you? - I'm game.

- What does it say? - Pierre.

- Where do I pick you up? - What's our address?

- Why? - We had this lottery. Pierre won me.

- Lucky Pierre. - He's the navigator.

You'd better change course. You're way off the beam.

- This way. - Just a darn minute.

- So long, fans. - But that's not fair.

Madame, I appeal to you as a woman.

As a matter of fact, you do. Au revoir.

- You're going to be like that? - Like what?

A company man like those old poops in Rome and Paris.

Breathing down my neck every minute.

- You're underage and I'm under orders. - Europe - what a drag.

I've done the Coliseum and the Mona Lisa,

but they never take me to any of those marvy places like the Lido and Le Sexy.

- You'll have a wonderful time. - That's why I came.

- I hear this is a swinging town. - Where did you hear that?

Don't you ever read the headlines? Berlin's the hottest spot in the world now.

Care to tell the American Forces Network?

- Phyllis, please. - We're a little late, so good night.

This your ticket? Fritz, mit the luggage machen.

Better cable to tell them Scarlett's checked in.

Let them worry. I didn't volunteer for this.

They deported me just to bust it up with Choo Choo.

- Who's Choo Choo? - I met him in a telephone booth.

43 of us piled inside to break the record and Choo Choo and I were on the bottom.

By the time we got out, we were engaged.

- That's a record all right. - But Daddy didn't approve.

His folks are from the wrong side of the tracks. And my daddy's an S-N-O-B.

- A what? - A snob.

- Isn't 17 a little young to be engaged? - I've been engaged four times.

All the women in our family are sort of hot-blooded.

What have we got here?

Whatever it is, it's all ours for the next two weeks. Isn't that marvy?

Schlemmer!

Nein, nein, nein. Nicht aufstehen.

I will keep them after hours practising.

Never mind. My chauffeur didn't show up.

- I will find out what happened to him. - I don't care about him. Just my car.

Jawohl.

Sorry. While they practise not standing, I will practise not clicking my heels.

- Guten Morgen. - Guten Morgen.

Like freshly baked pumpernickel.

Here's your mail, here's your Wall Street Journal and here is my resignation.

- What are you talking about? - You do not work me overtime any more.

You have lost all interest in the... Umlaut. Obviously I am no longer required.

We have this house guest.

- You said she would be here two weeks. - She has German measles.

- She has been now two months. - She likes it here. What can I do?

- It's August. Won't school soon open? - In Georgia you never know.

- What is all this about quitting? - I have had offers. After all, I'm bilingual.

- Don't I know it? - Those Russians call me all the time.

- They want me very badly. - I'll bet. Siberian wolves.

So you'd better find another girl.

All right.

Dictation.

Classified ad to run in all Berlin papers. Quote:

Attractive middle-aged executive wants attractive young secretary.

Must be versatile and cooperative.

Excellent salary, congenial working conditions,

fringe benefits...

Fringe benefits? What is that?

Little extras. This morning I was passing that shop in the KurfUrstendamm.

There was this white silk dress in the window and a matching hat.

- And a bag? And matching shoes? - Why not?

- I'll take the job. - You got it.

- Danke schén. - You're welcome schén.

Please, not while you're chewing gum.

- That'll be all. More later. - Any time.

- Yes, Schlemmer? - I called the garage, his wife... No Fritz.

- You'd better call the police. - I already did.

Gave them a description of the car. Model, licence number...

You're a good man. How much are we paying you?

- 200 Marks a week. - That would be about $50.

- That's all. - That's enough.

Hello? Hello, yes?

Atlanta, Georgia? Put it through.

What's going on there in Berlin? I have a letter here from Scarlett.

Says she's been going to operas, concerts, museums.

- That doesn't sound like my little girl. - Oh, she's a different person now.

We were a little worried when she first arrived, but she turned out just fine.

Well, I'll be damned!

Anyway, Mrs Hazeltine and I are leaving for Europe today

and we'll take her off your hands.

We'll be sorry to lose her. Two weeks, two months. What's the difference?

Well, I want you to know we're mighty grateful to you.

Actually, there's going to be a shift in personnel.

We're naming a new head of European operations - and you won't be forgotten.

The London job?

Well, I don't know what to say. I never expected anything like that.

Just to be considered is a great honour.

Of course, I've been with the company for 15 years. I know the European market...

- It's your wife on the other phone. - Not now.

- I told her that, but she insists. - Hold on, Mr Hazeltine.

There's a little emergency in the accounting department.

- What is it? What's so important? - If you put it that way, nothing really.

I thought you might be interested in what's going on around the house.

I'm talking to Mr Hazeltine about the London job. And you want to chitchat?

I'm sorry. It's just that Miss Hazeltine is missing.

But we can discuss it some other time. Bye.

Bye.

Missing? Wait a minute.

Phyllis! What do you mean missing?

Bertha took her breakfast up and her bed hasn't been slept in.

We got back from the movie round eleven and Scarlett went right upstairs.

- What could have happened? - Who knows? Gone with the wind.

Maybe she was kidnapped by a white slave ring.

Oh, swell. Hold on.

- Trouble? - I wish I were in hell with a broken back.

Sorry, Mr Hazeltine. They come running to me with all their little problems.

- What boat are you sailing on? - Who's got time for that?

Mrs Hazeltine and I are flying to New York, taking the overnight jet to London,

there's a flight to Berlin and we'll be there at noon tomorrow.

Noon tomorrow? You mean our time?

Of course I'll tell Scarlett. First chance I get.

We'll see you at the airport.

Unless those damn commies shoot the plane down.

Auf Wiedersehen.

We've got to find that idiot. Her parents are arriving tomorrow.

Where could she be? She doesn't know anybody in Berlin except us.

Have Bertha look again. Maybe she left a note.

What about her luggage?

I'm glad something is still there.

No, I'm not blaming you. It's just that lousy MacNamara luck.

First I lost a bottling plant and now I lose the boss's daughter.

I think we are getting some place. We found Fritz.

To hell with Fritz! It's the girl we're looking for now.

Precisely. He has some information.

- Where is she? - I do not know.

Not precisely. But last night I dropped her at the Brandenburg Gate.

Why?

I drop her there every night and pick her up every morning.

- How long has this been going on? - Since last month.

Usually I get her back before you wake up but this morning I wait and I wait...

- You've been helping her sneak out? - Yes, but I have a good excuse.

- What? - She pays 100 Marks a night.

- 50 for driving, 50 for not telling you. - Can I fire him?

Not yet. Now let's go step by step.

After you drop her at the gate, what does she do?

- She crosses the border into East Berlin. - East Berlin?!

That is why I'm so worried because she did not come back.

You're worried? I'm going down in flames and he's worried.

Ingeborg, clear the switchboard. I want Brigadier-General Hartel.

Next, get me Mayor Willy Brandt. Next, the West Berlin police commissioner.

Next, I want to speak to the US ambassador in Bonn. You got that? OK.

Fritz, you wait downstairs.

Schlemmer, can we get any information from East Berlin?

Only through official channels.

- What if we just picked up the phone? - It is not that easy.

- Why not? - There is no direct phone service.

You have to call Stockholm, from there Warsaw, then East Berlin.

Nine times out of ten it's a wrong number.

- Try it anyway. - Yes, sir.

Schnell machen!

Yes?

General Hartel is on army manoeuvres? What about Mayor Willy Brandt?

Watching the manoeuvres. And the police commissioner?

He's watching Willy Brandt. So who's minding the store?

What about the call to Bonn?

Our ambassador's back in Washington?

Be right with you.

Get me Washington, the state department.

Dean Rusk, Dean Acheson, Dean Anybody.

If you have no luck there, get me Senator Talmadge.

And if he isn't in, try Huntley and Brinkley at NBC...

- Scarlett! - What's all the excitement?

Oh, nothing. You just scared the hell out of us.

- You all right? - I'm just marvy.

- What were you doing in East Berlin? - Last night?

All those nights.

You see, there's this boy over there. Wow!

- What boy? What have you been up to? - I met him about six weeks ago.

I went into East Berlin and there was this parade and they wanted to arrest me.

- Arrest you? - Cos I was taking pictures.

And then this boy, he was in the parade.

He said I shouldn't be arrested, I should be pitied

cos I was a typical bourgeois parasite and the rotten fruit of a corrupt civilisation.

- So naturally I fell in love with him. - Naturally.

- Want to see his picture? - Not particularly.

I want your honest opinion.

Isn't he beautiful?

- You fell in love with Khrushchev?! - No, silly. The one carrying Khrushchev.

His name's Otto.

I finally got East Berlin and just like I told you, wrong number.

Hi there.

Now, you and this Otto. Exactly what do you do together?

All kinds of goodies. I wash his shirts and he broadens my mind.

And if it's a warm night we go lie on the roof and watch the Sputniks go by.

- Is that all? - Last night we were blowing up balloons.

- Balloons? - You know.

It is a communist trick. They float them across to undermine our morale.

- "Yankee go home"?! - They come in green, yellow, blue...

You're spreading anti-American propaganda?

It's not anti-American, it's anti-Yankee.

Where I come from everybody's against the Yankees.

I have a good mind to change this to "Russki go home"...

OK, OK. Now you listen to me. There's going to be no more foolishness.

Tomorrow your parents are taking you home.

They are?

Who?

Chet Huntley? All right, I'll speak to him.

I've been watching your programme. Keep up the good work. Bye.

When your parents arrive, keep your mouth shut for your sake and mine.

- If they ever find out what's going on-- - I'd better talk this over with Otto.

You're not going to see him again. And you're not going back to East Berlin.

Oh, he's right downstairs.

Otto.

Otto, darling.

Up here.

Come on up, Liebchen.

Liebchen? I don't want that creep in my office.

Send him home to clean out his cage.

He'd better be here, cos we have something to tell you.

Tell me what? You're not engaged again, are you?

- Not this time. - Thank God.

- We're married. - For a minute I was afraid...

- You're married? - It'll be six weeks on Monday.

- You married a communist? - No, he's a Republican.

Comes from the Republic of East Germany.

Why, you dumb, stupid little pot.

Do you realise what you've done? You've ruined me, that's all.

What are your parents going to say? I trusted you.

Then you go and pull a stunt like this.

Why didn't you look after me better?

15 years with the company down the drain.

I'll be blacklisted. My kids will starve. My wife will be selling pencils.

And all on account of you and your hot blood.

Come in. Come in, Otto.

This is Mr MacNamara. My husband, Otto Ludwig Piffl.

Piffl. Wouldn't you know?

Where did you dig him up? He doesn't even wear socks.

He doesn't wear shorts either. Isn't that exciting?

- Take your cap off. - Why?

Because I said so.

In Lenin's tomb I take my cap off.

If Van Cliburn plays Tchaikovsky, I take my cap off.

But in Coca-Cola office?

PM“.!

Do it for me, Otto darling.

- For you I do it. - He could use a haircut.

I'd like to give it to him with a hammer and sickle.

- Warmonger. - Shut up, you punk.

- Don't talk like that to my husband. - He's not.

In the first place, she's underage. Next, we don't recognise East Germany.

Next, while she was washing your shirts you were washing her brain.

- So the whole thing is illegal. - No, it's not. I have a certificate.

And tell him about the wedding rings.

Forged from the steel of a brave cannon that fought at Stalingrad.

- I don't care. The marriage is illegal. - You say.

But in the eyes of East Germany we are husband and wife.

You're not in East Germany now.

I can have you arrested for lying on rooftops with a minor.

Of course you can. I know your tactics.

You can have me arrested, tortured or shot.

- Like you've been doing in the Congo. - Africa for the Africans.

All I want from you is silence and damn little of that.

Don't you talk like that to my wife.

Who? Brinkley? Tell him I already gave the message to Huntley.

Look, Otto baby.

If we're to live in peaceful coexistence, there must be give and take.

- How'd you like 1,000 Marks? - For what?

Get on your motorcycle and forget the whole thing.

You can't bribe him.

- 2,000? - How about 5,000?

- What are you saying? - OK, 5,000 Marks.

If it's worth 5,000, why not 50,000?

50,000? You crazy?

I just want to see how far they will go to break up a happy socialist marriage.

I spit on your money. I spit on Fort Knox. I spit on Wall Street.

- Unsanitary little jerk, isn't he? - You and your kind are doomed.

We will take over West Berlin and Western Europe. We will bury you.

Do me a favour, will you? Bury us, but don't marry us.

Look at all this waste.

Capitalism is like a dead herring in the moonlight.

It shines, but it stinks!

He talks like that all the time.

- Tell him about Coca-Cola colonialism. - What?

As Khrushchev said on the 40th anniversary of the Revolution...

To hell with the Revolution and Khrushchev!

To hell with Frank Sinatra.

It's going to be a clambake when your folks get here.

- How are we going to explain this? - That's your problem. I won't be here.

- What do you mean? - Tonight my wife and I leave for Moscow.

- Moscow? - That's what I came to tell you.

He's got a scholarship to the People's Technological Institute.

- He's studying to be a missile engineer. - Soviet missiles...

Venus.

American missiles...

Miami Beach.

So you just tell Daddy I'm on my way to the USSR.

That's short for Russia.

Are you out of your mind? Russia's to get out of, not to get into.

- Where Otto goes, I go. - You just try to stop us.

- Can you talk to your wife? - I certainly can't talk to them.

On this phone.

- Hello? Yes, dear. - I bet I know what happened to Scarlett.

- Lucky Pierre must be back in town. - It's not lucky Pierre. It's crazy Otto.

Are you ready for this? She's married.

That's right. She got herself an ever-lovin', curly-haired, card-carrying husband.

She married a communist?

This is going to be the biggest thing to hit Atlanta since General Sherman.

No, I don't think it's funny.

They're going to live in Moscow? Now, that's funny.

Yeah, hysterical. But what can I do, go fight the Kremlin?

I can't stop them. They're young, they're in love and we're a dead herring.

So who am I to stand in the way of a happy socialist marriage?

Come off it. I know you. You've got something up your sleeve.

I wouldn't be surprised. Bye.

- Now, what time are you kids leaving? - Seven o'clock on the Moscow express.

- Why do you want to know? - I'm going to dynamite the train.

What makes you guys so suspicious?

I'd better get back and start packing. Think I ought to take both my mink coats?

No woman should have two mink coats until every woman in the world has one.

Cut the other one up and make him a pair of shorts. It's freezing there.

- 30 below zero. - Fascist lies.

- You'd better go home and pack too. - It will take no time.

Just my chessboard, my extra shirt and 200 books.

As smiley is going back to East Berlin, I'll get the car for you.

Schlemmer, will you run and tell Fritz he'll have to take Scarlett home?

- You are letting her go? - In a pig's eye.

His motorcycle is downstairs. Remember that idea you had about the balloon?

Just think, Liebchen. Tomorrow night we'll be strolling across Red Square.

- I hope you won't be ashamed of me. - Of course not.

I'll only wear my jewellery at home.

They have assigned us a magnificent apartment.

- Just a short walk from the bathroom. - I love you.

I'll make you happy. Every morning we'll have breakfast in bed.

- Sounds wonderful. - Also lunch, also dinner.

- In bed? - There's no table and no chairs.

Who cares?

I'll pick you up at 6.30 sharp. The 7.00 train leaves promptly at 8.15.

Wait. Before you go I'd like to give you a present.

- Why? - It's customary.

Otto's friends didn't give us presents.

They sent the money to unemployed cotton pickers in Mississippi.

How about a cocktail shaker? No, I guess not.

I know.

A cuckoo clock.

Handmade by dwarves from the Black Forest.

- So now they're exploiting dwarves. - Sorry I haven't got any wrapping paper.

We do not want anything from you.

Otto, don't be rude. I think it's very sweet of Mr MacNamara.

- Now we'll have a bed and a clock. - We will get our own clock in Russia.

If your clocks run like your trains, you might as well take this one.

You laugh at us now, but not for long. You're arrogant and fat and bloated.

The worms will have a picnic.

See you on the barricades, pal.

- I'll put in a good word for you. - Scarlett.

It's my parents I feel sorry for. It's too late to save them.

Otto says they'll have to be liquidated.

Bye.

Schlemmer.

Hurry UP-

- Wiedersehen, Liebchen. - Auf Wiedersehen.

- Good boy, Schlemmer. - Anything else you wish me to do?

No, thanks. We can let the East German police finish the job.

Pardon me, but I do not understand any of this.

All it takes is a little knowledge of physics and elementary psychology.

Right now Comrade Otto Ludwig Piffl

is tooling along on his motorcycle toward East Berlin,

gay, chipper, feeling like a million Rubels.

Little does he know that back at the exhaust

the fumes are filling the balloon.

It gets bigger and bigger.

And all the time in the sidecar a little booby trap is ticking away.

Now, if my calculations are correct,

all these things will pay off once he passes through the Brandenburg Gate.

- Was haben Sie da? - Keine Ahnung.

- Ich sehe das Ding zum ersten Mal. - Papiere.

Was ist in dem Paket? Was tickt denn da?

Das ist Kuckucksuhr. Habe ich als Hochzeitsgeschenk bekommen.

Tatséchlich? Eine Kuckucksuhr.

Mensch. Sie schmuggeln Amerikanische propaganda?

Ich? Davon hab ich nichts gewusst. Ich dachte, es ist eine Kuckucksuhr.

lch konnte doch nicht wissen, was es war.

Sieh dir ma! das hier an! Wall Street Journal.

- Wall Street? Sie sind verhaftet. - Das ist Wahnsinn. lch bin unschuldig.

Ich bin Mitglied der Kommunistischen Partei.

Genossen. BrUder. Lang lebe die Revolution.

You can forward my mail care of American Express.

And Vogue magazine. And Screen Romances.

If you promise to send me Pravda. Just the funnies.

He should be here by now. What time is it?

6.25. Relax.

- Danke schén. - Don't mention it.

- Are you sure you want to leave her that? - Oh, yes.

- Otto says every woman should have one. - I'm with Otto.

Well, maybe she'll let me borrow it on my night out.

Do you realise that Otto spelt backwards is Otto?

- How about that? - He looks just like Jack Kennedy.

Only he's younger. And he has more upstairs.

- More brains? - More hair.

And ideologically he's much sounder.

- Maybe we voted for the wrong man. - That couldn't happen in Russia.

- They don't make mistakes? - They don't vote.

Have you ever made love to a revolutionary?

No, but I once necked with a Stevenson Democrat.

Well, I've been engaged four times so I know about men.

Those subversives, they're the wildest. No contest.

And I just thought we were lagging behind in missiles.

Hiya, girls. Was ist cooking?

Bertha, take Miss Hazeltine's luggage back upstairs.

- Back upstairs? She's leaving. - I wouldn't count on it.

- Bourbon and soda, anyone? - What's he talking about?

- Otto's coming to pick me up any minute. - No, he's not.

Otto's been picked up himself by the police.

- Police? What for? - Who knows?

They toss people in jail like we throw away Kleenex.

- In jail? - How do you know?

- Bad news travels fast. Say when. - Where is he? I must go to him.

- He's in trouble enough already. - But he's my husband. I want to help him.

We all do. That's why we have to get the marriage annulled.

- Now wait a minute. - Look.

If they find he's married to the parasite daughter of an American capitalist,

they'll send him up for 20 years.

Slaving in the salt mines, schlepping heavy bags barefoot through the snow

with nothing to keep him warm but the hot breath of the Cossacks.

Otto!

Nice work, Mac.

Scarlett. Scarlett.

- Try some ice. - Bertha, call Dr Bauer, will you?

I will call the doctor, but I will not give back the mink coat.

Die Temperatur, she is normal.

Der Puls...

- What's the matter? - I missed the first act of "The Valkyrie".

Der Puls, he is normal.

Das ist definitely nicht normal.

I'll fix that.

Shh!

Cut it out, kids. Scarlett is sick.

If she dies, can I have my room back?

How would I know? I'm not a lawyer. That's your job.

What am I paying you for? You must have some contacts in East Berlin.

I don't want the marriage just annulled, I want it wiped off the books.

I don't care how you do it. Bribe one of the clerks. Destroy the files.

If you could burn down the Reichstag, you can set a match to a marriage certificate.

And it has to be done tonight.

- Cheers. - Feeling pretty good, aren't you?

- Not bad. - You framed that poor boy.

You bet. I'm not going to let that kook ruin somebody's life.

- But she loves him. - Not her life, mine.

I'm all set for the London job.

I couldn't care less. I'm fed up with this.

Hopping all around the map from Baghdad to Caracas to Cape Town.

- Who needs it? - What would you suggest?

A nice permanent job with the home office in Atlanta.

Atlanta? You can't be serious. That's Siberia with mint juleps.

- I want to go home. - Give me one good reason.

Cindy has to have her teeth straightened.

Tommy is ten and he's never had a peanut-butter sandwich.

And I'd like to see Gunsmoke not in German or Portuguese or Swahili.

You want to go home and pay taxes? We've got it made.

Big house, servants, limousine. And you'd give it up for a peanut-butter sandwich?

It's a great life for you.

Everywhere we go you find some secretary who gives language lessons.

- What does that mean? - I can always tell.

You start wearing your elevator shoes.

- Are you implying? - I've known for years.

And you never said? That's not fair.

I didn't want to be one of those nagging American wives.

But maybe I was wrong. Maybe we should have had it out a long time ago.

- How is she? - Perfectly normal.

She keeps asking for somebody named Otto.

- Never heard of him. - She's going to be all right?

Hundert Prozent. You will be happy to know that the young lady is...

How do you say it in English? Schwanger.

- What's that? - You're the one studying German.

You know. Such a Dummkopf I am.

Schwanger, schwanger...

I know what it means.

- What? - You told me not to use words like that.

- Come on. - Do you want me to tell you?

- Please. - Scarlett's going to have puppies.

- What? - Pregnant?

That is the word! Pregnant. Auf Wiedersehen.

- Schwanger is pregnant, pregnant is schwanger ~

Mother of Mercy, is this the end of little Rico?

All right, children, back to your room. Get ready for bed.

- I wonder what it's like to work for Pepsi. - Please, Phyllis.

So tomorrow Mr and Mrs Hazeltine will arrive at the airport.

And there will be little Scarlett- unchanged, unspoiled, unwed.

- Just slightly schwanger. Cheers. - I'm trying to think.

Think fast, because there'll be a few questions asked. Like who's the father?

- I'll have answers when the time comes. - Better have Otto when the time comes.

Otto? That would be disaster.

Let me see. She was secretly married.

To somebody in the American embassy.

On honeymoon in the Alps he was killed by an avalanche.

Nah, that's no good.

He was sent on a mission behind the Iron Curtain. Never heard from again.

The whole thing was so secret we can't even mention his name.

Now you're running amok. You think Scarlett will stand still for--

Better a dead hero than a live communist.

I'll pick up a Distinguished Service Medal. It was awarded to him posthumously.

And while you're at it, pin one on yourself.

First-Class Heel, with oak-leaf cluster.

What can I do? I had enough trouble getting the guy into jail.

It's going to be ten times as tough to get him out.

Schlemmer.

Don't click your heels. I'm going to need you tonight.

I'll pick you up in exactly ten minutes.

Call Ingeborg. Tell her it's an emergency. We'll pick her up in exactly 12 minutes.

- W0 fahren Sie hin? Papiere. - American citizen.

- What is purpose of your visit? - I'm seeing Commissar Peripetchikoff.

- What for? - On business. I represent Coca-Cola.

Coca-Cola? You have proof?

Will this do?

- I confiscate proof. - Just return the empties.

OK. Proceed.

If I may say so, this whole idea is crazy.

It will not work. I can feel it. And I'm scared.

- Pull yourself together. That's an order. - Yes, sir.

I'm scared also.

Not for myself. I only worry something will happen to my new dress.

I'll buy you half a dozen.

- They're at the Hotel Potemkin. Know it? - Yes, sir.

It used to be the Hotel Goering. And before that it was the Hotel Bismarck.

Hey!

- Gospodin MacNamara. - If it isn't Hart, Schaffner and Karl Marx.

- I see you bring blonde lady. - Ring-a-ding-ding.

Sit down, my friends. Join us.

- Right here, Fréulein. - I said Karl Marx, not Groucho.

- To what we owe this pleasure? - I thought we might trade.

- Coca-Cola? - No. You'd like Ingeborg to work for you.

- Want to trade her? - Right.

- For Russian one? - Wrong.

I do not blame you. Ours is built like bow-legged samovar.

We find proposition very interesting. Now what can we offer you?

- All I want from you is a small favour. - Small, big. Anything.

There's a guy named Otto Piffl. He's being held by the police.

- For what reason? - Stole my cuckoo clock.

- You want clock back? - Wrong.

- You want Piffl back. - Right.

Impossible. We cannot interfere with internal affairs of East Germany.

- No Piffl, no deal. Let's go. - Wait. You're not giving us a chance.

Is old Russian proverb. You cannot milk cow with hands in pockets.

Herr Ober. Vodka, caviar.

Herr Kapellmeister. More rock 'n' roll!

You like this caviar? We give you a hundred pounds.

I want Piffl.

Would you take new automobile? 1961 Moskvich convertible, two-tone.

- You mean that Russian hot rod outside? - Is wonderful car.

- Is exact copy of 1937 Nash. - Not interested.

We will give you Chinese cigarettes, Armenian rugs.

- Bulgarian yoghurt? - Piffl or nothing.

I know what. We have warehouse full of Spam left over from lend-lease.

It's five o'clock and we're getting nowhere. Ingeborg, put your shoes on.

One more minute, please. Summit conference.

Before we make deal we want right of inspection.

- I veto it. - I thought so.

Well, what are we going to do? He's got it, we want it.

Are we going to accept this blackmailing deal?

- Let us vote. - I vote yes.

- I vote yes. - Two out of three. Deal is on.

Comrades, I must warn you. I'm not really from soft-drinks secretariat.

I am undercover agent assigned to watch you.

- In that case I vote no. Deal is off. - But I vote yes.

Two out of three again. Deal is on.

OK, kids, strip for action.

Nein, nein.

Genug, aufhbren!

Hbrt auf! Ich will schlafen.

Ich will schlafen. Lasst mich nur schlafen!

- Sind Sie ein amerikanischer Spion? - Nein.

- FUr wen arbeiten Sie? CIA? - Nein. Ich will schlafen.

- Sind Sie ein amerikanischer Spion? - Nein.

- Sind Sie ein Geheimagent von Allen Dulles? - Nein, nein.

Lasst mich schlafen. Ich will nur schlafen.

Aufhéren! Aufhéren!

Ich halte das nicht mehr aus. Ich gestehe.

Ich gestehe! Ich gestehe!

- Sie gestehen was? - Alles.

- Sind Sie ein amerikanischer Spion? - Ja, ich bin ein amerikanischer Spion.

Ja, ich arbeite fUr die CIA. Ja, ich bin von Wall Street bezahlt.

Ja, ich bin ein Geheimagent von Allen Dulles. Ja, ja, ja!

Unterschreiben.

Borodenko. Geheime Russiche Polizei. Haben Sie ein Piffl?

- Jawohl. - Wir nehmen ihn gleich mit.

Hier ist sein Gesténdnis. Er ist ein amerikanischer Spion.

Amerikanischer Spion?

Moment.

Did you hear that? He is a confessed American spy.

Then I want nothing to do with it. If they find out in Moscow...

- He's right. No secretary's worth that risk. - Why should they find out in Moscow?

- I will not inform. - But if they do.

- Then we just cross into West Berlin. - Easy for you to say. You're a bachelor.

But if I defect, you know what they will do to my family?

They will line them up and shoot them.

My wife and my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law and my brother-in-law...

Comrades, let's do it.

You try to bamboozle us. You say he's cuckoo clock thief. He's American spy.

- Ich bin ein amerikanischer Spion. - Shh!

You better get him out of here before we all get into trouble.

- A pleasure to do business with you boys. - Wait. Where is blonde lady?

I'll send her right over.

You poor baby.

- Did you hurt yourself? - Let me help you.

He bamboozled us again.

...Brandenburg Gate.

Those Russians - I hope they were not too disappointed.

- That's their problem. - Actually, they were cute.

I can't decide which one I liked best, the big fat one or the bald one.

That's Schlemmer's problem.

Fritz, what's that behind us?

- Looks like a 1937 Nash. - OK, step on it.

Halt!

- We came through earlier. - You wait.

Ich bin ein amerikanischer Spion.

Here is empties.

Aufhalten!

Aufhalten! lch sagte, aufhalten!

Let's go, Fritz.

Aufhalten!

Aufhalten! Aufhalten!

Aufhalten!

- ltsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini ~

Drop dead.

That's enough. Cut it out.

Why are you so unfriendly? I thought everything was wunderbar.

Some wunderbar! Can you imagine what's going to happen at noon

when the Hazeltines step off that plane and get a load of their new son-in-law?

You slob.

And when he opens his big fat Red mouth, it's goodbye, Charlie.

- Who is Charlie? - Charles H. Kaputt.

- I wish Scarlett would get here. - I wish Schlemmer would get here.

Or send my dress back.

- What do you want in it? Cream, sugar? - Benzedrine. It's going to be a rough day.

You better put something on. Your goose pimples are showing.

That's nothing. You should see my sister.

- Where is he? - Scarlett.

I've got to talk to you. There's only one way out of this mess.

Otto. Otto, darling.

Otto, it's me, Scarlett.

Otto. Otto, darling, wake up.

- Scarlett? - I've something very exciting to tell you.

How did I get here?

You! I should take that wedding present and break it over your head.

That's gratitude after I got you out of jail.

- You got me into jail. - So we're even.

- When you didn't show up I fainted. - It's all his fault.

- Not entirely. - Want to hear what the doctor said?

- He'll need coffee. - From you I don't need anything.

- I'm going to have a baby. - If my wife wasn't going to have a baby...

- What? - That's right.

Liebchen!

That's just what the world needs. Another bouncing baby Bolshevik.

- I was so afraid you wouldn't want it. - I want dozens.

- So do I. - So does the Party. They encourage it.

- We must outproduce the West! - I hear they got a new plan now.

Instead of a woman taking nine months, nine women are going to do it in one.

The minute we arrive we must get on the waiting list for the people's obstetrician.

No, I'd like to fly over my own doctor. And my old nurse and my governess.

What for? The state takes care of everything.

At six months the baby will be enrolled in the people's nursery school.

Naturally we will visit every other Sunday.

- Every other Sunday?! - You can bring him some Pablum.

With a file in it.

Imperialist stooge.

And of course we'll see him on May Day.

He'll be marching by in the parade. We can wave to him.

You can also wave to him on Lenin's birthday and on Yuri Gagarin's birthday.

- He'll be parading all the time. - At least it'll keep him off the streets.

The tickets.

Where are the tickets? We must find out when the next train leaves for Moscow.

Forget it, Piffl. You're not going to Moscow.

You can't even get back to East Berlin.

- Why not? - Because you're an American spy.

- Who said so? - You did. Don't you remember last night?

You signed a confession. Ein amerikanischer Spion.

Nein.

- Nein, nein, nein. - Ja. Ja, ja, ja.

Isn't that thrilling, darling? Why didn't you tell me?

But I'm...

I'm not a spy. It's not true.

Makes you think about those other confessions.

Another hour and they'd have had you confessing to germ warfare in Laos.

- You did this to me. - Or was it your communist chums?

We'll tell them it was a trick.

Think they'd believe me, an imperialist stooge?

- I shall kill you. - Easy, or you'll end up in the people's ER.

Otto, darling. What are we going to call the baby?

My dress. What did you do to my dress?

- Schlemmer. - Yes, sir?

- I'm sorry I didn't shave this morning. - My dress! It's ruined.

- Any trouble getting out of East Berlin? - I had trouble in West Berlin.

I was picked up by an American soldier in a Jeep.

Wanted to take my picture for something called Playboy.

- Get out of those silly clothes. - Yes, sir. if I can have my suit?

It's in your office.

And it's going to be such fun shopping. We need a bassinet and a layette.

And we have to run down to Paris.

They have marvy maternity clothes at Christian Dior's.

Forget all that. We can't even afford milk for the baby.

The doctors have a whole new theory. Milk's the worst thing for babies.

Don't you understand? I'm through, finished, ausgespielt.

To the communists I'm a spy, to the Americans I'm a communist.

I've nothing. No home, no job...

- Not even my motorcycle. - That's tough. All you got is a rich wife.

In January when I'm 18 Daddy's giving me 10,000 shares of Coca-Cola stock.

I'm a worker, not a gigolo.

- I will not take money from you. - You bet you won't.

When your father finds out he'll cut you off without a red cent.

- Pardon the expression. - I guess so.

Daddy has a fit every time I order anything with Russian dressing.

Looks bad, doesn't it? But I'm going to help you.

- If idiot boy here will cooperate. - You go to hell.

Long distance. Mr Hazeltine calling from London.

London? Uh-oh. The bloodhounds are closing in.

Hello? Yes, this is MacNamara.

I'm going to have your head for this.

What do you mean for what? We get off at London and there's this telegram.

"Congratulations, you're going to be a grandfather." Signed MacNamara.

- Is this your idea of a joke? - No, it's not my idea of a joke.

- Did somebody cable your father? - Yes. Mrs MacNamara.

Oh, she did?

Yes, it's true. We didn't want you to be too surprised when you got here.

I send you a sweet, pure, innocent girl who isn't even 18 yet, and...

What?

- It's all right, Melanie. She's married. - Oh, thank heaven.

Wait a minute, MacNamara. Not so fast.

Just exactly who is she married to?

I wouldn't worry about it. He's a wonderful boy.

Handsome and from one of Europe's best families. You'll be crazy about him.

Yes, sir. We'll bring him along to the airport with us. Happy landing.

Schlemmer.

- What are you up to now? - You can't fool Daddy that easy.

- I didn't say it'd be easy, but we can try. - Try what?

To turn this crumbum into a perfect son-in-law.

We've got three hours and two minutes.

- Oh, I get it. Isn't he clever? - Schlemmer!

I categorically refuse!

Sorry, sir. I had difficulty getting out of the girdle.

I want all those people out there to stand by for orders.

- General alarm. Complete mobilisation. - Like the good old days! Yes, sir.

I will not be a party to this.

- OK, if you don't love your wife... - I worship her!

There's nothing I wouldn't do for you, but I will not compromise my principles.

And I'd do anything for you, even if we had to starve together.

But we can't ask the baby to starve. Not at his age.

You're upsetting your wife.

I will not be turned into a capitalist!

Once you are in good standing I don't care what you do.

You can steal our formula and square yourself with Moscow.

But at noon today you are going to look and act like a gentleman.

Everybody at their posts awaiting orders.

First, get a barber and a manicurist up to the office.

Next, I want my lawyer. Next, I want to speak to the manager of the Berlin Hilton.

Next, get ahold of that moth-eaten count from the Cafe Wien.

- Count von Droste-Schattenburg? - That's him. I want to see him.

And send Ingeborg in mit pad and pencil. Schnell machen. One, two, three!

- Jawohl. - All right, next.

- Clean him up. Over there. - I've agreed to nothing.

Is it against the party line to use indoor plumbing?

It won't hurt a bit.

Even if it hurts - mit the hot water, mit the soap.

- Yes, Mr MacNamara? - Ready?

Always ready.

First, call Reinhardt and Reinhardt, tailors. Have them send everything they've got.

Single-breasted, three-button, narrow lapels, dark blue, size... 39 regular.

Next, call Pleschke the haberdasher. I want shirts:

Broadcloth, plain or tab collars, size... 15 1/234.

Shorts: Nylon or cotton, size 32. Socks: French lisle, dark tone, size 11 %.

Ties: Not too wide, not too narrow. Also, pyjamas, handkerchiefs, etc, etc.

Next have Hochstéittefis deliver shoes. British or Italian, brown or black, size 9B.

Yes, Fritz. No, Fritz. I need you. Sleepy or not, everybody works today.

Next, call any first-class hatter. I want an assortment of hats, size 7 %.

Correction. After we cut his hair, 7 'A.

Next, call that store on TauentzienstraBe for a matched set of men's luggage.

Next, call the Ritz jewellers. I want to see wedding rings, also engagement rings.

No less than two carats.

Make sure he scrubs behind his ears.

Next, have Kottler's restaurant send up a seven-course dinner and table setting.

Next, have a florist make up a bouquet. Also, two boutonnieres, white carnations.

- Any questions? - Yes.

- Can I go home and get some clothes? - At a time like this?

Dressed or not dressed, everybody works. Get with it.

- Haare schneiden? - ManikUre?

- Not me, him. Chop that mop off. - Jawohl.

- And give him a shave and a manicure. - No!

- What do you mean no? - No manicure.

It's a symbol of bourgeois insecurity.

In Russia they're so secure they chew their nails off.

Nobody will ever know. You can wear gloves.

Gloves? Why don't you ask me to wear striped pants?

Ingeborg, I also want some striped pants, a morning coat and a white waistcoat.

I have located the count. He's working in the men's room at the Kempinski Hotel.

- How soon can he get here? - He wants to know if you can come there.

- Absolutely not. - I'll tell him. Your lawyer is here.

Come in.

Ah, Herr MacNamara. Isn't this a glorious day?

Cut the schmooze. Here's what I want you to do.

It has already been done. The young lady can consider herself unmarried.

Unmarried?!

I managed to liberate that marriage licence from the files in East Berlin.

It's that damn German efficiency. That's all I need. An illegitimate baby.

- I beg your pardon? - Ich bringe die Schuhe.

Unpack them.

Go back to East Berlin and put that marriage licence back in the file.

- If you say so. - But first, draw up adoption papers.

- For the baby? - No, Otto Ludwig Piffl.

We're going to have him adopted by a real aristocrat.

- Oh, a baron? - Better.

The men's room attendant at the Kempinski .

- Who? - Leave the name blank for now.

Get to work.

Next, shoes. No, no, nothing with tassels. Those are all right.

Alligator? That's for band leaders. Those are OK, OK...

- Totally unacceptable. Full of holes. - Guten Morgen. Reinhardt.

Be right with you. I'll take those, but not those.

- What have we here? - Latest styles. All fabrics imported.

They look deported. Too loud, too quiet...

All right, but take the padding out of the shoulders. That's not bad.

Belt on the back? That went out with high-button shoes.

- I have some here. - Take that into the conference room.

I want these in 24 hours. Where's the morning coat and pants?

- My assistant is bringing them. - Fit those now.

- Schmuck. - What did you say?

- Schmuck, jewellery. - Oh.

Come with me. You too.

Sitzen machen.

A strong, healthy girl like you should be cutting wheat in the Ukraine.

Leave it a little longer on the sides. Like Sal Mineo.

- Pick two wedding rings. - Left foot.

- Do you like these? - Gold? Never.

I prefer the steel of Stalingrad.

You guys are always yakking about disarmament. Might as well start now.

- Up. - He's giving you an engagement ring.

- He is? - I am?

- Too big. - I assume the gentleman will wear socks.

- Not if I can help it. - Waist 31.

- Sit down. - I want this one.

- How much? - 8,000 Marks.

- Thank you. - Wait. Who's paying for this foolishness?

Relax, you've got assets.

So I sit on my assets and clip coupons?

The baby will clip coupons. We'll put the money in his name.

Sit down.

I won't have my son grow up a capitalist.

When he's 18 he can decide if he wants to be a capitalist or a rich communist.

Yes? The manager of the Berlin Hilton? Put him on.

Over there.

I want to reserve the bridal suite. Yes, checking in today.

I didn't ask you how much it costs. This is for the son-in-law of a millionaire.

- Double bed, silk sheets... - We don't need a table and chairs.

- We're going to have all our meals in bed. - Never mind sheets. Make it a tablecloth.

Silk sheets, diamond rings, bridal suites. What is this? La dolce vita?

Hey, what are you doing? Stop it. Are you crazy?

- The haberdasher is in your office. - Keep an eye on the Kremlin Kid.

- There's a newspaperman to see you. - Not today.

Sitzen machen.

- No, white shirts only. French cuff. - Jawohl.

Socks fine. If he objects, we'll paint his feet black.

- Where's the pyjamas? - Here.

- OK. What's this? - They're beautiful.

They are terrible. Let's see the ties.

Jawohl, nix, jawohl, definitely nix. This is the best.

- It is mine. - Take it off. I'm buying it.

- Good morning. - Looks like Macy's basement.

- It's a rat race around here. - And I know the rat.

- This robe is jawohl or nix? - I'll be right with you.

Don't bother. I just want something from the safe.

- What's the combination? - 22-5-17.

Throw that robe in and take the stuff into the conference room.

Don't tell the guy in there they're French cuffs. Not with the Algerian situation.

- What are you looking for? - Here they are.

- The passports. - Passports?

I'm flying home and I'm taking the kids.

- You're what? - You heard.

What are you sore about? I got Otto back. I'm remodelling him.

Somebody should do a job on you. Goodbye, Mac.

- You can't walk out on me like this. - I'm not. I'm going back where I belong.

Any time you care to join us, we'll be waiting.

- The adoption papers. They are ready. - Raus!

What's come over you? After 16 years?

Maybe after 16 years every marriage gets stale. Like a leftover glass of beer.

Can't we discuss this without bringing up a rival beverage?

I hope these vaccinations are still good.

You knew the kind of guy I was when you married me.

- Apparently not. - I'm not one of those suburban jokers.

Nine to five in the office, cut the grass every weekend.

Turns out I married Marco Polo.

It wasn't all that bad. We've had some fun.

Remember Teheran when Cindy was born?

Driving 12 miles to the hospital on a Coca-Cola truck?

Some fun! And remember when I had Tommy?

- Right in the Ziirich airport. - We had a hell of a time leaving Customs.

How about our honeymoon? That week in Waikiki.

Yeah. Me upstairs putting perfume behind my ears.

You downstairs at a soft-drink convention.

400 men running around in grass skirts. I should have said Aloha then and there.

Be a good girl and give me those. Let's talk this over.

All right, I'm willing.

But not right now. I've got a deadline.

You've got a deadline with me.

Baby, I love you. Everything is going to be fine.

In London Tommy can go to Oxford. Cindy can see the changing of the guard.

We can afford one of those snooty butlers. Kippers for breakfast. Riding to hounds.

I will not be caught dead in striped pants. They're for bankers and war profiteers.

They were ordered by the ambassador from the People's Republic of Yugoslavia.

We will deal with Tito when the time comes.

- Take them off. They're too big. - In front of the lady?

Oh, yeah, I forgot. He doesn't wear shorts.

- No wonder they're winning the Cold War. - All right, in the other room.

Don't go away, Phyllis.

Ingeborg, get him some shorts.

Sitzen machen.

- Good morning, Mrs MacNamara. - Guten Morgen.

Shorts, let me see. Where are the shorts?

You could use some yourself.

- Oh. I don't come in like this every day. - That's a load off my mind.

It's just that Mr MacNamara made me take my dress off.

- Playful, isn't he? - He had a perfect right to. He paid for it.

- Well, that makes all the difference! - It's part of my job.

What you call... fringe benefits.

How do you like that?

The son of a... is starting his own Marshall Plan.

Oh, here.

- I go now. - We both go now.

Will you give my husband a message? Tell him I said Aloha.

- Aloha? - That's Hawaiian for "Get lost".

- What's holding up those shorts? - Here. Your wife said to tell you Aloha.

That's Hawaiian for "Get lost".

Phyllis!

Phyllis.

Phyllis.

- The dinner. Where do you want it? - In the conference room.

- Phyllis. - My name is Untermeier.

- I'm from the Tageblatt. - Some other time.

We have information that Miss Hazeltine of Coca-Cola

married a member of the Communist Party.

Sitzen machen.

I will not wear these. They serve no useful purpose.

It's just a convention. Back home we put panties on lamb chops.

- They are drip-dry. 5O per cent nylon. - That's DuPont. A well-known monopoly.

They're 50 per cent cotton. It'll help sharecroppers in Mississippi.

- Sit down. Let's see how you eat. - Eat? That's the first good idea he's had.

- I'm starving. - Not like that. Start with the first course.

We have to teach him table manners.

No, no, one at a time. And use the asparagus tongs, darling.

- The what? - Those little grabbers over there.

- Why can't I have my chicken? - Luggage.

OK, take those over to the Hilton.

- You want initials on the bags? - He doesn't even have a name yet.

No, no, no, no.

He's right, darling. Always white wine with chicken.

Out of a glass, stupid.

Ja, you know everything. Which wine to drink, which fork to use for fish.

Which knife to stab the proletariat in the back with.

How would you like a little fruit?

The count is waiting in the office.

- Scarlett, keep working on him. - Darling, use the finger bowl.

- Don't pack his old clothes. - What shall we do with them?

- Burn them, but first disinfect them. - Wait.

My Party membership book is in there. I'm paid up till December.

Sitzen machen. Hello, there.

- Waldemar von Droste-Schattenburg. - MacNamara von Omaha, Nebraska.

Would you tell me why I was summoned?

Every minute I am away from my post it costs me two Marks in tips.

OK. How would you like to become a father?

- At my age? - I'd like you to adopt a young man.

And the tip is 2,000 Marks.

- Good day, sir. - Hold on.

Just because I'm reduced to earning my living in a washroom

does not mean that I am willing to peddle the dignity of my family name.

We date back to the Second Crusade.

We have one of the oldest bloodlines in Europe and one of the most inbred.

I am a direct descendant of Philip the Bleeder.

So your proposition is not only preposterous, it is highly insulting.

- Make it 10,000. - I'll give you 3,000.

I come from a long line of bleeders.

- Don't cut the price. - 4,000.

I will have you know that I'm distantly related to ex-King Farouk of Egypt.

- 3,500. - What happened to 4,000?

It's a deal.

Send Piffl in.

For an additional 500 Marks I will include the family crest.

Cakes of soap in a field of paper towels?

A porcupine, rampant on a field of fleur-de-lys.

You may also have a photograph of the Schattenburg Castle.

Unfortunately destroyed during the war.

- American Air Force? - No, Turkish cavalry. 1683.

You can't just order me around. Sit there, do this, eat that.

Hold still. I can't get your cuff link in.

- Is this the lucky young man? - That's him.

- Meet your father. - My father?

My dear boy. I'm sure you will be a credit to the family.

It could use a little credit.

- What is this? - You're being adopted.

Adopted? Just like that, without even asking me?

This is not only devious, it's unilateral.

- My eye. - This is your daughter-in-law.

- Gnédige Frau. - Scarlett!

- I've got something in my eye. - It's a monocle. Looks cute on you.

A monocle. How sneaky can you get?

Sign the papers and give this to the cashier.

Thank you.

- What do you think you're doing? - It's on the house.

Goodbye, my son.

I want you kids to memorise your new name.

You are the Count and Countess von Droste-Schattenburg.

- Count? - So everyone has to curtsy to me.

- Except maybe Grace Kelly. - Nobody will curtsy to you.

I refuse to join the aristocracy. They're all leeches, bleeding the masses.

Not the von Droste-Schattenburgs. They bleed themselves.

Get him dressed. And now he has a name, there are some things I want him to sign.

- What things? - I'm turning over my limousine to you.

- All I want is my motorcycle back. - Can't have a countess in a sidecar.

- Where would we put the baby? - And have him fill out these.

Golf club, Diners Club, Book-of-the-Month Club...

- I will sign nothing, I will join nothing. - But it's the American way of life.

Unemployment, discrimination, gangsterism, juvenile delinquency...

But under our new 20-year plan we will catch up with you.

Lots of luck.

Ingeborg, get the manager of the bottling plant up here and find me a sign painter.

What MPs?

- What can I do for you? - You the head man?

- That's me. - We had a report.

You got a female employee who's an enemy agent.

Enemy agent?

What would you call a dame with "Yankee go home" tattooed on her chest?

- Somebody's pulling your leg. - Maybe, maybe not.

- Mind if we look around? - Be my guest.

Oh. OK, buster.

Let's go.

You sent for me?

As manager of the bottling plant you always need more help.

- Yes, sir. - Cheer up. You're getting an assistant.

- Who? - You.

The new manager is Otto von Droste-Schattenburg.

- I refuse. - Your pay will be higher.

- I accept. - Into the conference room.

You've got 15 minutes to teach this guy everything you know.

- I can't thank you enough. - Out.

Bertha, let me talk to Mrs MacNamara.

She left? Mit die Kinder? Where did they go?

Into a taxi. Thanks a lot!

I don't want to take up your time, so if you let me talk to Miss Hazeltine...

- About what? - About her marriage to that communist.

- I'd like a statement for the story. - There is no story and no communist.

- We know she got married. - To Count Otto von Droste-Schattenburg.

- Who? - Otto the Bleeder.

Goes back to the Second Crusade. Here's the family castle.

- Painter. - Oh. Uh, come with me.

Sitzen machen.

Paint this crest on a car. How long will it take?

That's too long. Look, my Mercedes is parked downstairs.

- Excuse me. - Miss Hazeltine.

- How do you spell your husband's name? - P-I-F-F-L.

I thought it was von Droste-Schattenburg.

Oh, that! You mustn't believe everything Mr MacNamara tells you.

He fixed it all up so that Daddy wouldn't find out Otto's a Red.

In the beginning I didn't like Mr MacNamara, but he's been marvy.

- That's enough. - Did I say something wrong?

Buzz off.

This story is getting better and better.

- How much to forget everything? - Think you can buy a German reporter?

- I never tried before. - Maybe your journalists are for sale.

The adoption papers. All signed and notarised.

Herr Oberleutnant.

- You know each other? - He was my commander.

- In the subway? - No, when I was drafted.

- Aha, Gestapo. - No, no. SS.

Halten Sie doch den Mund, Sie Idiot.

Well, Herr Oberleutnant, is there anything else I can do for you?

No, thank you. I have all the facts.

Union between the Hazeltines and the von Droste-Schattenburgs -

the social event of the year.

- It will be in today's paper. - It better.

- Auf Wiedersehen. - Sieg Heil.

As for you, you're back in the SS. Smaller Salary.

Let me explain. I was only a pastry cook in the officers' mess.

I want the maitre d' at the Hilton.

I was a very bad pastry cook.

11 o'clock. Where are the hats? Where are the flowers?

- We're behind schedule. - Yes, sir.

Manfred, I'd like to arrange a banquet.

The von Droste-Schattenburgs honouring the Wendell P Hazeltines.

You got a polka-dot dress?

Fréulein, haben Sie eine tattoo on your... Glockenspiel?

- Any broads working in this office? - No, sir. Just me.

Look, polka dots. It fits the description.

- Whose dress is that? - I don't know.

We'd better check it out.

Corporal, I'm relieving myself of duty. Turn me in for psychiatric observation.

- What's the matter? - She's in there all right.

I saw her. Naked as a jaybird.

Has she got the tattoo on her chest?

- So what's wrong, Sarge? - Fellas, you won't believe this.

But one of them is yellow. One of them is green.

Take me away.

For the entrée: Venison and hominy grits.

How do I know where you get grits? Try the army PX.

For dessert: Peaches flambées é Ia Hazeltine.

Wine: King-size Coca-Cola in ice buckets.

On the table: The von Droste-Schattenburg coat of arms with crossed flags.

Music: "Dixie", "Waiting For The Robert E Lee".

But not, I repeat not, "Marching Through Georgia".

Do you really want to make me the boss?

It's a must. So your father-in-law won't think you're just a titled beatnik.

- I'm going to like this job. - About time you cooperated.

Know what the first thing is I'll do?

- I'm going to lead the workers in revolt! - Put your pants on, Spartacus.

Call the airport and find out if the 12 o'clock plane from London is on time.

Yes, Mr MacNamara.

Tempelhof? Pan American Auskunft, bitte.

Soft-drinks slaves of the world, arise.

Smash those bottles, pour that syrup down the sewers.

- Remember me? - Commissar Peripetchikoff. Well, well.

- Well is the one thing I am not. - You are a Russian commissar?

- You have made fool of me. - He fooled me too.

You must help me and my wife get into the Soviet Zone.

- There may be a little problem. - Yeah, everybody's coming this way.

You want to fight all that traffic?

I'm a Party member. Paid up till December.

They need me. I'm a missile scientist.

That is one field where we're ahead of America.

In Cape Canaveral if missile goes wrong, they press button and pow! It blows up.

- But in Russia we have two buttons. - Two buttons!

One to blow up missile, one to blow up scientist.

- What kind of a commissar are you? - An ex-commissar.

- You've defected? - Is old Russian proverb.

- "Go West, young man." - What happened to your pals?

I snitched Borodenko's secret police badge and had them both arrested.

You betrayed your own comrades?

If I don't do it to them, they do it to me.

- Is old Russian proverb. - You're worse than he is.

Look, my young friend, what do you think Khrushchev did to Malenkov?

What do you think Stalin did to Trotsky?

- Is everybody in this world corrupt? - I don't know everybody.

Maybe we should liquidate the human race and start all over again.

Look, kid, any world that can produce the Taj Mahal,

William Shakespeare and striped toothpaste can't be all bad.

- The trousers. Try them on. - Take him with you.

From now on I fight alone. Piffl against everybody and everything!

See what I'm up against? He can't even remember his own name.

- To get back to me... - Do you want money?

Certainly not. I will be rich man now. Remember the Swiss cheese?

- What about it? - I have tremendous scheme.

I will trade it for sauerkraut.

I will silver-plate the sauerkraut and sell it in the US for Christmas-tree decorations.

- You're a cinch. - But for this I need secretary.

- And you promised me blonde lady. - You came at the right time.

I'm moving to London anyway. But I don't know how to break the news to her.

Ingeborg.

It's not going to be easy. She's crazy about me.

- Yes? - A classified ad to run in all papers.

International businessman, overweight but cute, needs executive secretary.

Fringe benefits include extensive travel, wardrobe allowance, retirement plan...

- I'll take the job. - You got it.

Goodbye, good luck.

- And what about Tempelhof? - Oh. The plane will be ten minutes early.

That's a hell of a way to run an airline. Planes are supposed to be late, not early.

I never want to see him again. I never want to speak to him.

- I want a divorce. - What's the matter now?

He doesn't want the baby. He says no one should bring children into such a world.

That miserable punk. Why didn't he think of that before?

Where is he?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Of course we're going to have the baby.

I love you.

Don't ever scare me like that again.

Maybe our children can make this a better place to live in.

A world where men are created equal and there's liberty and justice for all.

Congratulations.

You just quoted Jefferson, Lincoln and the Pledge of Allegiance to the flag.

I What?

Come on, let's get going.

There.

- I take it into the other room and fix it. - We haven't time. Come with us.

Schlemmer!

Sitzen machen.

- Blumen. - Here. This is for your mother-in-law.

Die HUte!

You in front. You, paint from the inside.

Fritz, to the airport. Eins, zwei, drei.

Aiyee!

Watch that umbrella.

- No, I don't like it. - You need some stuff in your pockets.

Money, cigarette case,

lighter, picture of the castle.

- Try this one, darling. - You better take my wristwatch too.

- That's my wrist. - Oh.

I don't think you were meant to wear a hat.

I wasn't meant to be a count either.

- Who's going to believe it? - Calm down.

The only royalty we know in America is Nat King Cole and Earl Wilson.

- Ouch! - Pardon.

Please, not that. Anything but that.

All right. Let's see if we have a black bowler.

- Here's what you owe me. - Owe you?

All itemised. Limousine: 20,000 Marks. Cost of adoption: 4,500 Marks.

Suits, haberdashery, shoes, etc, etc: 12,800 Marks.

Luggage, flowers, dinner: 925 Marks.

Haircut and manicure: 14 Marks. Tip: 6 Marks. I'm a very large tipper.

Wristwatch, cigarette case, lighter: 2,200 Marks.

Loose change: 475 Marks. Total: 41,020 Marks or $10,255.

I have been a capitalist for three hours and already I owe $10,000?

That's our system. Everybody owes everybody.

That's the one.

Doesn't it look distinguished?

Not bad.

11.46. Faster, Fritz.

Before you meet Daddy, there are certain things he feels strongly about.

- One is the Civil War. - Civil War?

- Just say it was a draw. - Another's Coca-Cola.

Say we must look beyond the six-pack. Why not a 12-pack?

- Then there's golf. - Family that play together stay together.

- The world situation. - Serious, but not hopeless.

- Vivisection. - Shouldn't happen to a dog.

And Red China and income taxes and Tennessee Williams.

Wait. Stop the car. I can't remember all that.

- You can't give up now. - Maybe we'll get lucky.

Maybe somebody hijacked the plane.

Pan American gibt die Ankunft des Clippers 306 aus London bekannt.

Melanie, let me handle this young man.

It'll take me 30 seconds to find out if he's a fortune-hunter or a crackpot.

- Oh, dear, I hope not. - You don't know these Europeans.

My poor honey-chile.

Where are they, anyway?

Tear them again and I'll tear you apart.

- Scarlett! - Scarlett!

Scarlett!

Scarlett!

- Mother! - Let me look at you.

Dad!

- All right. Now where is he? - Over here.

- Meet my husband Otto. - The Count von Droste-Schattenburg.

- Count von what? - My mother.

Your Highness.

Please, not in immediate family. Gnédige Frau.

One of those hand-kissers.

- And this is my father. - Hello, Dad.

How's your golf? A family that plays...

There are a few questions I want to ask you.

- If it's a boy, we'll name him after you. - Wendell P von Droste-Schattenburg.

- Von Droste what? - We'll have to be careful with the baby.

Otto comes from a long line of bleeders.

I always wanted Scarlett to be married to a long line of somethings.

MacNamara, tell me about this man.

What does he do besides slobber over women's hands?

Don't let that title fool you. He works.

- Doing what? - He's head of our bottling plant.

- He works for us? - Best man I ever had. Engineer.

Took a lot to get him away from our competitors.

You don't say.

- This is a picture of the family castle. - Oh!

And this is my Party membership. Oops - wrong Party.

- And here's the family crest. - Oh!

You'll have to put that on your stationery and your silverware and your underwear...

Glad to have you on the team. I suppose you met in the bottling plant.

No, we met in a parade. He had a picture of Khrushchev.

- Khrushchev? - Yes, with a big slogan on it.

- "Russki, go home." - They jailed him.

- My poor boy. - How is the situation here?

It shouldn't happen to a dog.

I mean, it's a draw.

Actually the situation is hopeless, but not serious.

Hopeless but not...

The boy's got a head on his shoulders.

- What did I tell you? - May I have those?

- Fritz. Mit the luggage machen. - Jawohl.

Next. Schlemmer!

- Take these to passport control. - Yes, sir.

Next. Mom, Dad, I'm giving a banquet tonight.

- Un petit diner en famille. - He speaks French too!

- And Russian. - Russian?!

White Russian.

Now, Dad, there are a few ideas I'd like to kick around.

We must look beyond the six-pack. Why not a 12-pack?

Pan American flight 17 to New York via Frankfurt now boarding at gate 5.

Pan American gibt den Abflug des Clippers 17

nach New York fiber Frankfurt bekannt.

Bitte halten Sie Ihre Bordkarten bereit und begeben Sie sich zu...

- Phyllis! - Mac, you came through 100 per cent.

- I did what I could. - I've found the right man for London.

- Thanks. - It's just what we need.

Somebody who's a good organiser, has a lot of drive, speaks languages.

- Well, I studied every chance I had. - The ideal man for this position.

And I'm not just saying that because he's my son-in-law.

- How's that? - It won't hurt our prestige.

Head of European operations - Count Otto von Droste-Schattenburg.

- Oh, that's how it is. - You haven't been forgotten.

You're going all the way to the top.

There's an opening in the home office. Vice-president for procurement. All yours.

- Why are you so good to me? - You must be dying to get back.

Dying is right. Here you are, Count. I won't be needing this any more.

- Thanks, old chap. - Bye, Countess.

Mr MacNamara, I simply adore you.

- Will you write? - Better than that.

I'll send you some silver-plated sauerkraut for Christmas.

- Can we have a Coke? - On the plane. I don't have any change.

- I've got change. - Mac!

Very nice of you to come down here to see me off.

- Where are you going? - Back to the States.

- Funny. That's where we're going. - I thought I'd take flight 17 to New York.

- From there I can hop a bus to Atlanta. - Atlanta?!

Yeah. I'm the new vice president for bottle caps.

- They're kicking me upstairs. - I've always wanted to do that myself.

So any time you and the kids care to join me, I'll be waiting.

Just a minute. Conference.

Two out of three. Deal is on.

Two out of three?! All right, who's the wise guy?

Schlemmer!

Visiontext Subtitles: Paul Sofer