Original subtitles

Our neighbor Sean has begun a bid

to ruthlessly unseat Staten Island's rulers

so that the crown of absolute power

may rest solely upon his head.

Com... Comptroller.

What the fuck is that?

The comptroller controls the budget

for all of Staten Island.

I'm really proud of my campaign platform:

Bring the Rangers back to Staten Island.

So, I think I'm gonna win.

-Ah. -Ah. Seanie.

Typically, in a situation such as this,

the best move is to identify your opponents

and then slaughter them in their sleep.

Yeah, yeah, I wish, but, uh,

no, we just got to get the most votes.

-[growls] -But our latest round of internal polling

has revealed that we have, uh, a couple of weak spots.

Particularly, the gay demographic.

So we got to do something that's gonna knock their socks off.

Which is why we are doing a Pride parade!

-Right here in Staten Island. -Yeah.

Looks great.

So, you two are organizing a Pride parade?

Yeah!

[Guillermo] I'm a little skeptical.

I've never actually been to Pride.

But something tells me... neither have Sean and Charmaine.

My lesbian roommate from SUNY New Paltz,

-Oh, yeah. -she's gonna come and do some rhythmic gymnastics.

[Sean] Oh, yeah, and my bisexual cousin Dominic?

You remember him.

Oh, I certainly do.

He is gonna lip-synch to some hot tunes all night long.

-Ooh, yeah. -Respectfully, uh, Neighbor Sean...

-Yes. -What has this got to do with us?

We are very busy.

A little bird recently flew into my bedroom

and I've been trying to make him my friend.

Yeah, well, uh, we just wanted to consult with you guys

considering you're members of the LGBTQ... LMNOP community.

And we consider you guys heroes for that.

Literally the gayest things on the block.

I like what you've been saying. It's been very entertaining.

But just for two seconds, shut the fuck up.

I know why you're here.

You want us to grand marshal your gay parade?

That's a thumbs up.

You want to start your gay parade on our front lawn?

That's two thumbs up.

What are those vehicles called

that are all brightly colored?

-Very jolly. -Oh...

You mean chariots,

dragging the corpses of your vanquished foes.

-We call them "floats." -Yeah.

-The corpses float also. -[Charmaine] Yes, yes, yes.

The fire department, the wives, they've all signed up

to make a big float for us.

Really? Tell those wives to get fucked.

-Oh. -I'm gonna make the float.

It'll be the most fantastic thing you've ever seen.

-[Laszlo cackles] -[Sean] Okay...

That's way more than we expected.

We just came here to see

which one of these T-shirts you liked better.

Yeah, we got two choices:

"Yas Sean!"

And "Ay, I'm Bein' Gay Ova Here!"

[Laszlo] We'll buy the lot.

["You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing]

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪

♪ ♪

What is at the root of all this pain here?

Besides your legs being crushed, I mean.

Of course I'm still pissed off at Nadja for crushing me

with her vampire ass.

I mean, look at this bullshit.

I'm three-quarters mechanical automaton.

Ah, shit.

Well, I suppose the loss of my dolly body

has got me thinking about my old human body.

I never got to use it, fully.

-Huh? -I never got to experience...

carnal pleasure?

-What? -Oh.

I think what she means is...

-She's a virgin. -[Nadja Doll] Nailed it.

How can you be a virgin?

Your spirit is identical to my own and I am...

definitely not a virgin.

I am a manifestation of your ghost, right?

Which is who you were when you died and became a vampire.

And at that point, you were a virgin.

What about Jonas the mule dancer?

Strictly hand stuff.

I remain a virgin and I fear I always will be.

If there was anything, anything I could about this, I would,

but sadly I just... I don't...

Well, what if we swapped bodies?

Just for a day.

What a cute little idea,

but unfortunately that is definitely not possible.

Oh, no, it's possible.

The swapping of spirits and their corporeal vessels.

Actually, pretty easy.

-Is it? -Oh, yeah.

-Well. -[Nadja Doll] Great!

-Great. -Great.

Okay! Oh... great.

-That is just... -Great.

Well, great.

[grunting]

[Nandor] I have discovered why Guillermo

has been avoiding me lately.

He has fallen under the sway of Laszlo.

Laszlo is jealous because of how much Guillermo worships me.

Oh. There you are.

Not now, Nandor.

Can't you see I'm teaching the boy science?

-Thank you. -But I... [stammers]

[Nandor] He has decided to try and impress him

with his only impressive quality.

-[zapping] -Ooh!

[Nandor] His quote, unquote "intelligence."

End quote.

-Maybe I just-- -[Laszlo] No, Nandor.

[Nandor] I personally value qualities that cannot be taught.

Courage. Relentlessness.

Being tall.

Do you think he actually bought that whole science lesson thing?

Obviously.

For if he knew the truth,

that you've been turned into a vampire

by somebody other than him,

you'd be fucking dead by now.

How can I put this?

The boy is...

fucked up.

Yeah, I really can't see what's going on back there.

I think it might be like a psoriasis flareup or something.

Yeah, that's exactly what it is.

Can you move them?

Move what?

Nothing.

All good and proper.

Now, what I intend to do

is carry out a few basic experiments on the boy.

Firstly, agility.

Vampire super speed test number 72, begin.

[grunts]

[Laszlo] Vampiric turnoffs.

[muffled] I'm holding the garlic to your face.

Is it having any effect?

Telekinesis.

Concentrate on that antique flask and make it rise.

Patient running at normal human speed,

slightly below normal human speed.

Lick it!

-I'd rather not. -If you don't lick it,

I cannot diagnose you.

Oh, that's not bad.

[Laszlo] And from that, we'll have a better idea as to

what kind of vampire he is,

or isn't.

I didn't ask you to squeeze one out.

If I knew you were gonna do that,

I'd have put some newspaper down.

I'm doing it.

-Doing what? Squeezing one out? -No.

What the blazes?

He's clearly been afflicted by vampirism.

All right, you can stop there.

But his turning has been stymied.

Being a man of science,

I intend to find out why.

For this requires a systematic review

of everything we know about vampirism.

We must go back.

Back to the beginning.

Now clean that shit up.

All right, so tonight is Friday.

Otherwise known in spiritual circles as Freaky Friday.

And thus we are technically able to swap your souls.

And that's really how it works?

-Yes. -Okay, whatever.

Fine. Can I just get something clear?

My dolly is going to inhabit my body

to use it to get completely and utterly railed.

-[Nadja Doll] Yes, please. -And then we will switch back?

-Correct. -Correct.

[sighs]

Okay, so put your hands on the orb

and close your eyes.

Daimes times nokti onidete.

Mugok timek orgiyam takenti.

Toyos togom skijas antagite!

[rumbling]

[gasping]

[laughing] It worked!

It's fucking amazing.

I'm big, bitches!

Uh, be careful. Maybe work your way up a little bit?

[laughing]

Ugh, I can't feel my feet.

That's because you don't have any.

-Sucks, doesn't it? -Easy.

I forgot how amazing it is to have a real body!

-Stretch first! -Wow!

-Oh! Oh! -Oh, watch out!

So, who wants to have a little bite

of this fresh beef salad?

Trust me, Dolly, you don't want your first time

to be with anyone in this house.

These people are ran-through.

We are going to find you a fresh piece of ass.

Wait for me, koukla mou.

I'm doing it.

I'm a real body person.

-[cameraman] Careful! -Oh. Oh.

That's right. We swapped bodies.

Huh. Looks like they're turning the GNC

into a Jersey Mike's.

None of you find this interesting? Hello?

[Nandor] Not really.

I mean, you're kind of the same person anyway.

So, what? You swapped. Big whoop.

-[Nadja scoffs] -[Laszlo clears throat]

Talking of vampires, which I believe you were...

[Colin] We weren't.

...what do we actually know about them?

Why?

Uh, for...

the purposes of the float?

Oh, I see. Boy stuff. Vroom, vroom. Carry on.

Vamp ires. The first thing that comes into your head. Anybody.

Oh, uh, they tend to form insular social units

and not let perceived outsiders join the group.

Like I said, what do we know about vampires?

Vampires always go soft after two pumps.

It's a classic vampire thing.

-Uh... -What about the one where if you

drop a bunch of rice in front of a vampire

he has to count every single grain?

No, I, too, have heard that before. But I think it's cack.

-Hmm, but there again, it might not be. -[Nadja] Isn't there a thing

that if you throw a vampire's shoe into the river,

you have to follow it?

Oh, yes, true.

Don't be silly, it's not a shoe.

It is a sock.

Come on, this is classic Vampire 101 shit, guys.

Well, the only way I'm gonna find this out

is if I put it to the test.

Come on, Gizmo.

Oh, and me. I'd like to come, too.

I don't think so.

No, you-you should probably stay with Sean

and help him with the float, for the parade.

Or talk to your bird in-in your room.

I'm not speaking to Matthew at the moment.

All right, fine.

I know when I'm not wanted.

And this is not one of those times.

Come on, boys!

[Nadja] So, I thought there's no better place for my Dolly

to find some piping-hot strange than speed dating.

Hello, everyone. I'm a virgin.

I already regret this.

I used to be dead, and then I was a ghost,

and then I was a doll, and now...

I am human once more. [laughs]

How about you?

-I'm in sales. -Ooh.

Mud huts or livestock?

-I like him. -[bell rings]

My dowry is really cheap.

Just one large goose and before you can even slit its throat,

-boom, I'm your wife. -Oof. -[bell rings]

How do you feel about taking the virginity of a dead ghost?

It's your lucky night.

-Ugh. -[bell rings]

-Oh, dear. -You like? Woo!

[laughing] Opa!

Ela! This is a mating dance

because I have selected you to be my mate.

Look how wide I am.

Please, no physical touch.

Fuck off, lady! [spitting]

Okay. All right. You are out of here. Come on.

What? No, I was just doing a date.

-Yes, thank you, remove us. -Come on. -Oh.

[Laszlo] Commence the test.

Absolutely no urge to count the rice.

I don't know what Colin Robinson was talking about.

Another vampire myth proved to be nonsense.

But just before I attend to other duties...

-Yes. -One.

-Two. Four. -Three.

-Five. -Six.

Maybe we should move on to the next test?

Shut up. Seven.

-Eight. Ten. -Nine. Eleven.

All right, next up is vampires can triple jump?

Ah.

What does that even mean?

I'll show you what it means.

One.

Two.

Three! See?

Oh.

Yo, Laz. What you doing up there?

Oh, hi, Sean.

Um, just checking out your float.

Looks fantastic.

-[Sean] Good night. -See ya.

[Guillermo] So, two small jumps, and on the third jump,

jump real high, like Mario.

Mario who?

Why bother with fancy jumps when you can just fly?

-Flying does have its limits. -Oh, really?

A vampire can only ascend as high

as the lowest cloud in the area.

Well, I think that is more of a Laszlo thing

than a vampire thing.

Really?

Well, how high can you fly?

Outer space.

Write that down.

Maybe not write that down, on the account of it being...

bullshit.

I get it, you have never flown to outer space.

No.

For some, it is a little too scary.

But not for me.

That's why I've done it many times.

I mean, you know,

I've flown up like really high.

Now, have I technically flown to outer space?

No.

But there's no reason why I couldn't.

I mean, I don't have to breathe oxygen or any shit like that.

So, yeah.

I did not lie.

I am essentially the king of outer space.

Of course you are, Major Tom.

Enough of that nonsense.

Find me a river I can toss my sock into.

You know what?!

I think I might just fly to outer space right now!

Not you or you can stop me.

Or you!

So, good luck with your shitty little science experiments,

because I'm going to outer space!

Well, speed dating was a bust.

But there is one person in the house the doll is horny for.

I don't like this decision,

but since we all F each other all the time here anyway,

I can't be a hypocrite.

-Right? -Nope.

So, let me get this straight.

Nadja Doll, who's currently in Real Nadja's body

wants to have sex with me?

-Uh-huh. -Yep.

And Real Nadja, who's currently inhabiting

Nadja Doll's body is... fine with this?

Mm-hmm.

And-and you're not gonna kill me after...?

No!

I'm open to it, I-I just...

I don't want it to affect our friendship.

[Nadja] What friendship?

Oh, no, we don't really like you that much.

I-I wouldn't say we are friends.

No.

Okay, then why do you want to doink me?

-[exclaims in Greek] -[laughing]

This guy doesn't understand women at all.

Oh, dear.

Hey, Gray Boy.

I'm offering it to you on a plate.

The information I've gathered today has revolutionized

my entire conception vampire kind.

[Guillermo] I just don't see how that's gonna speed

-the process of turning me. -Patience, dear boy. Patience.

Now, give me your arm.

Ah, just as I hypothesized.

You skin has some of the properties of a vampire,

yet you are still able to walk under the rays of the sun.

So, does that mean I'm a day walker?

Am I like Blade?

Yeah, you're exactly like Blade.

Fuck off.

Now, sit still.

Ow. Okay.

A little of that on my arm.

Add my special light.

[sizzling]

Starting to sting.

Getting a bit more painful.

[grunts] Fuck.

That's fascinating.

So fascinating!

Right. Strip off, cock ahoy, and get on the running machine.

Wait, what?

I need three gallons of your sweat for science.

Mind if I put on some music to get us in the mood?

Mm.

["Ants Marching" by Dave Matthews Band plays]

Woo! Ooh, yeah.

Love it. Mmm.

I really can't decide

whether it's weirder if I'm here,

or not here.

Same.

-And he comes in. [chuckles] -Ooh.

Oh, it's happening. Oh, boy.

-I'm gonna kiss you. -[Nadja Doll] Okay.

-I-I can't. -Oh.

-I'm sorry. Don't get me wrong. -[music stops]

I like how fucked-up this is.

I-I really like how fucked-up this is.

I just... I think I'm only attracted to you in doll form.

-I get that. -Are you kidding me?!

Sorry, Nadja. Daddy likey what Daddy likey.

Dolly bae, maybe we can try again

in another hundred years or so.

But I have barely gotten to do anything.

I haven't even used this yet.

Come on. "Swap back" time.

I'm not going anywhere.

I just need to mention now

that I cannot force a spirit to leave a vessel.

What the fuck?

Sassy leaving dance.

-Ooh. -No. Bitch.

-Come back. -Yeah, there was no way

I was gonna tap that.

If it's so hard to swap us back,

why did you swap us in the first place?

Wait, so you're saying you can't make a spirit leave a vessel,

but could you put two spirits in the same vessel?

Oh. I don't see why not.

Oh...

♪ ♪

[Laszlo] After a distillation process...

It gives me no pleasure to lather my skin in Gizmo's sweat.

Yet, I have reason to believe

it contains extraordinary powers.

Powers that enable a vampire

to walk under the shining rays...

of the sun.

If my calculations aren't correct,

I could be a lump of coal in seconds.

Ha! But you only live once.

Holy shit! That is bright.

-[power tools whirring] -There you go.

This is amazing.

-Ha ha! -Oh, hell yeah, Laz.

There's so much heat on our campaign now, it's unbelievable.

Paul Shaffer's limo driver reposted our flyer on Instagram.

You have the most beautiful skin.

Yeah, I use Charmaine's foot cream.

What do you think about the float?

H-How's that coming along?

The float? Oh, it's fantastic.

I've been working on it noon and night.

Now, do me a favor.

Could I borrow a beach chaise?

-Beach chaise? -I promise it's for the float.

Something that one might sit out in the sun on.

What the fuck is a beach chaise? Is that French?

They're lawn chairs, Seanie. Yeah, we got lawn chairs.

Thank you very much, very kind.

-Now I want to go to the beach. -Did you see my sign?

-Then go to the beach. -[laughs]

♪ ♪

Yes.

[cackling]

Fetch that!

-Hey... -[laughing]

Ooh.

[laughs]

[bird cawing]

[hissing]

-[Nandor] Hello there. -[gasps]

Master, what are you--

Why are you awake?

[Nandor] I decided to get up early,

to prepare for my upcoming journey to outer space.

What? You're not really thinking about

going to outer space, are you?

Yes. It turns out there are things

that I can do that your little teacher Laszlo cannot.

I know that you've become enamored with his intelligence,

but it is not intelligence that got mankind to outer space.

It took brute strength and gumption.

These are clearly things that do not interest you.

Wait. Are you going to outer space

just to impress me?

Sorry, what?

Am I doing this to impress Guillermo?

[snorts]

Yes.

Esti toraiti nokti onidete.

[Nadja] Now, Colin Robinson came up with an actually not horrible idea

of having his soul put into my real body

to convince my Dolly spirit to leave.

Neves daugite!

[rumbling]

Huh. Look at that, I guess it worked.

[gasps] I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to smoke me out,

you tricksy little bitches.

Well, eat skata.

Because I actually quite like this new company.

Oh, I think I'm gonna go just read my newspaper.

No, I want to go practice cartwheels.

No, I want to go finish my blog about being a male feminist. No!

Oh, nice going, dipshit.

Push him over.

[Nadja Doll] No, let me go!

It is almost time for my ascent.

Thanks, guys, for lending me the itty-bitty baby cameras.

Cute.

Hi, it's Nandor here.

And here.

We do not go to outer space because it is easy,

we go because it is hard.

Taking off in three...

-And because it will be fun. -In two...

-I hope. -And one...

Liftoff!

I am approximately 20 feet above the backyard.

Roger, over and out, good buddy.

♪ Love is love ♪

[cheering and whooping]

Go, Rita!

[whooping]

Thank you, Rita the lesbian roommate. And I love

the LGBD...

etcetera community.

-Q. -[Sean] And the Qs.

Which brings me to tonight's guests

who are gonna help us kick off the festivities.

They are what Staten Island is all about.

-[cheering] -They're immigrants.

They're big-time gays.

[Charmaine] Big-time!

[Sean] Super duper gay.

-[cheering] -All right, yeah, Okay.

Without further ado, come on out, guys!

[cheering]

Hey, it's Laz!

[Laszlo] Yes!

What the hell happened to your face, man?

Just caught a bit of sun, do you like it?

-The bloody mirror... -You idiot.

-Okay. -Hey, say hey if you're gay.

[all] Hey!

Come on, let's have a clap for gay!

[applause]

Let me tell you something,

this fella tries to kiss me all the time.

That's right!

[Laszlo] He does.

Right, I'm not the only grand marshal of this gay parade.

Nandor.

-Now, where is Nandor? What? -Laszlo.

He's busy doing--

He's what?

So, I'm very high up now.

[wind howling]

At least five miles.

I'm getting a little light-headed.

[jet engines approaching]

Oh, it's a fucking plane.

Hi, plane.

[whooshing]

[Laszlo] All right, all right, all right.

Let's welcome the most beautiful girl

I know and I've ever met.

My good lady wife Nadja. Come on.

-Oh, she's right here. I've got her. -I'm here.

Quiet, crone!

Hello, everyone. Thank you all so much for coming.

[grunts]

[man] What the hell's wrong with her?

Whoa.

-[crowd gasping] -Seriously, it means a lot to us.

-[screaming] -[man] Oh, shit.

You put acid in my beer again.

[Nadja Doll] Shut up, Colin Robinson!

-[grunting, straining] -Holy shit.

Woo! Being gay!

[Colin] My turn again.

[Nadja] What the fuck is happening?

Okay, so that's what happens

when you put two souls in one body.

Good to know.

[screaming]

Why did Guillermo make me do this?

It fucking sucks!

I did it.

I fucking did it.

I'm in outer space.

Fuck you, Laszlo.

Fuck you, Guillermo!

I made it to outer space!

It really makes you reflect on how small we all are.

Wait...

No, no, no.

[shouting]

[screaming]

♪ I'm gonna go out ♪

♪ And let myself get absolutely soaking wet ♪

Let's go.

♪ It's raining men ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ It's raining men ♪

♪ Amen ♪

She does have a beautiful voice, though.

♪ We're gay, you're gay ♪

[sobbing]

Okay, who's ready for a parade?

[cheering]

[screaming]

[microphone feedback screeches]

-What the fuck? -What the blazes?

[groaning]

-[Charmaine] Sean, are you okay? -Oh, my God. [coughs]

-Master, are you all right? -[panting]

Well, well, well...

If it isn't Mr. Vampires Can't Go to Outer Space.

Guess what.

[gasping]

Hey, I just went to outer space!

Turn around, I-I want to see what's happening.

No, I'm looking.

Again, who's ready for a parade?

[cheering]

♪ It's raining men ♪

♪ Hallelujah... ♪

-How gay is this? -[Sean] We're bringing back the Rangers.

Remember to vote Rinaldi!

-♪ It's raining men... ♪ -Damn it, Colin.

No, I'm dancing.

-♪ It's raining men ♪ -[old-timey horn honking]

♪ It's raining men, hallelujah ♪

♪ It's raining men ♪

♪ Amen ♪

-[whooping] -♪ It's raining men... ♪

I went to space!

[shouting, cheering]

We're proud, we're so proud.

[whooping]

♪ Hallelujah... ♪

-[Sean] We're doing it! -[Charmaine whoops]

♪ It's raining men ♪

♪ Tall, blonde, dark and lean ♪

♪ Rough and tough and strong and mean ♪

♪ It's raining men, come on... ♪

I was hoping I'd meet some little green buddies up there.

[Nadja] Yes, my darling. Give it to her good.

-Oh, hi, Guillermo. Hoo-hoo! -Oh!

Oh, ho, ho!

-Gather round, everyone. -Oh, yes.

Nope, nope, I'm not staying for this.

-[Nadja] Prude! -Are you sure?

Am I hitting the spot, Colin Robinson?

Oh, yeah. Nah, that's fine. Just fine.

♪ I wish I didn't want you ♪

♪ I wish I didn't need you ♪

♪ But, baby, I'm stuck on you ♪

♪ Don't know how you do it ♪

♪ You really put me through it ♪

♪ It must be the devil's work you do ♪

♪ I wish I didn't want you ♪

♪ I wish I didn't need you ♪

♪ But, baby, I'm stuck on you ♪

♪ I don't know how you do it ♪

♪ You really put me through it ♪

♪ It must be the devil's work you do ♪

♪ The devil's work you do. ♪