All language subtitles for What.We.Do.in.the.Shadows.S05E03.720p.WEB.h264-EDITH.mkv3

Our neighbor Sean
has begun a bid

to ruthlessly unseat
Staten Island's rulers

so that the crown
of absolute power

may rest solely upon his head.

Com... Comptroller.

What the fuck is that?

The comptroller
controls the budget

for all of Staten Island.

I'm really proud
of my campaign platform:

Bring the Rangers
back to Staten Island.

So, I think I'm gonna win.

-Ah.
-Ah. Seanie.

Typically, in a situation
such as this,

the best move is to identify
your opponents

and then slaughter them
in their sleep.

Yeah, yeah, I wish, but, uh,

no, we just got to get
the most votes.

-[growls]
-But our latest round
of internal polling

has revealed that we have,
uh, a couple of weak spots.

Particularly,
the gay demographic.

So we got to do something that's
gonna knock their socks off.

Which is why we are doing
a Pride parade!

-Right here in Staten Island.
-Yeah.

Looks great.

So, you two are organizing
a Pride parade?

Yeah!

[Guillermo]
I'm a little skeptical.

I've never actually
been to Pride.

But something tells me...
neither have Sean and Charmaine.

My lesbian roommate
from SUNY New Paltz,

-Oh, yeah.
-she's gonna come and do
some rhythmic gymnastics.

[Sean] Oh, yeah,
and my bisexual cousin Dominic?

You remember him.

Oh, I certainly do.

He is gonna lip-synch to some
hot tunes all night long.

-Ooh, yeah.
-Respectfully, uh,
Neighbor Sean...

-Yes.
-What has this
got to do with us?

We are very busy.

A little bird recently
flew into my bedroom

and I've been trying
to make him my friend.

Yeah, well, uh, we just wanted
to consult with you guys

considering you're members of
the LGBTQ... LMNOP community.

And we consider you guys
heroes for that.

Literally the gayest things
on the block.

I like what you've been saying.
It's been very entertaining.

But just for two seconds,
shut the fuck up.

I know why you're here.

You want us to grand marshal
your gay parade?

That's a thumbs up.

You want to start your
gay parade on our front lawn?

That's two thumbs up.

What are those vehicles called

that are all brightly colored?

-Very jolly.
-Oh...

You mean chariots,

dragging the corpses
of your vanquished foes.

-We call them "floats."
-Yeah.

-The corpses float also.
-[Charmaine] Yes, yes, yes.

The fire department, the wives,
they've all signed up

to make a big float for us.

Really? Tell those
wives to get fucked.

-Oh.
-I'm gonna make the float.

It'll be the most fantastic
thing you've ever seen.

-[Laszlo cackles]
-[Sean] Okay...

That's way more
than we expected.

We just came here to see

which one of these T-shirts
you liked better.

Yeah, we got two choices:

"Yas Sean!"

And "Ay,
I'm Bein' Gay Ova Here!"

[Laszlo]
We'll buy the lot.

["You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing]

♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪

♪ They have no use
for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪

♪ ♪

What is at the root
of all this pain here?

Besides your legs
being crushed, I mean.

Of course I'm still pissed off
at Nadja for crushing me

with her vampire ass.

I mean, look at this bullshit.

I'm three-quarters
mechanical automaton.

Ah, shit.

Well, I suppose the loss
of my dolly body

has got me thinking
about my old human body.

I never got to use it, fully.

-Huh?
-I never got to experience...

carnal pleasure?

-What?
-Oh.

I think what she means is...

-She's a virgin.
-[Nadja Doll] Nailed it.

How can you be a virgin?

Your spirit is identical
to my own and I am...

definitely not a virgin.

I am a manifestation
of your ghost, right?

Which is who you were when
you died and became a vampire.

And at that point,
you were a virgin.

What about Jonas
the mule dancer?

Strictly hand stuff.

I remain a virgin
and I fear I always will be.

If there was anything, anything
I could about this, I would,

but sadly I just... I don't...

Well, what if we swapped bodies?

Just for a day.

What a cute little idea,

but unfortunately that
is definitely not possible.

Oh, no, it's possible.

The swapping of spirits
and their corporeal vessels.

Actually, pretty easy.

-Is it?
-Oh, yeah.

-Well.
-[Nadja Doll] Great!

-Great.
-Great.

Okay! Oh... great.

-That is just...
-Great.

Well, great.

[grunting]

[Nandor]
I have discovered why Guillermo

has been avoiding me lately.

He has fallen under
the sway of Laszlo.

Laszlo is jealous because of how
much Guillermo worships me.

Oh. There you are.

Not now, Nandor.

Can't you see I'm teaching
the boy science?

-Thank you.
-But I... [stammers]

[Nandor]
He has decided
to try and impress him

with his only
impressive quality.

-[zapping]
-Ooh!

[Nandor] His quote,
unquote "intelligence."

End quote.

-Maybe I just--
-[Laszlo] No, Nandor.

[Nandor]
I personally value qualities
that cannot be taught.

Courage. Relentlessness.

Being tall.

Do you think he actually bought
that whole science lesson thing?

Obviously.

For if he knew the truth,

that you've been
turned into a vampire

by somebody other than him,

you'd be fucking dead by now.

How can I put this?

The boy is...

fucked up.

Yeah, I really can't see
what's going on back there.

I think it might be like a
psoriasis flareup or something.

Yeah, that's exactly what it is.

Can you move them?

Move what?

Nothing.

All good and proper.

Now, what I intend to do

is carry out a few basic
experiments on the boy.

Firstly, agility.

Vampire super speed test
number 72, begin.

[grunts]

[Laszlo]
Vampiric turnoffs.

[muffled] I'm holding
the garlic to your face.

Is it having any effect?

Telekinesis.

Concentrate on that
antique flask and make it rise.

Patient running at normal
human speed,

slightly below
normal human speed.

Lick it!

-I'd rather not.
-If you don't lick it,

I cannot diagnose you.

Oh, that's not bad.

[Laszlo]
And from that, we'll have
a better idea as to

what kind of vampire he is,

or isn't.

I didn't ask you
to squeeze one out.

If I knew you were
gonna do that,

I'd have put
some newspaper down.

I'm doing it.

-Doing what? Squeezing one out?
-No.

What the blazes?

He's clearly been
afflicted by vampirism.

All right, you can stop there.

But his turning
has been stymied.

Being a man of science,

I intend to find out why.

For this requires
a systematic review

of everything we know
about vampirism.

We must go back.

Back to the beginning.

Now clean that shit up.

All right, so tonight is Friday.

Otherwise known in spiritual
circles as Freaky Friday.

And thus we are technically
able to swap your souls.

And that's really how it works?

-Yes.
-Okay, whatever.

Fine. Can I just
get something clear?

My dolly is going
to inhabit my body

to use it to get completely
and utterly railed.

-[Nadja Doll] Yes, please.
-And then we will switch back?

-Correct.
-Correct.

[sighs]

Okay, so put your hands
on the orb

and close your eyes.

Daimes times nokti onidete.

Mugok timek orgiyam takenti.

Toyos togom skijas antagite!

[rumbling]

[gasping]

[laughing] It worked!

It's fucking amazing.

I'm big, bitches!

Uh, be careful. Maybe work
your way up a little bit?

[laughing]

Ugh, I can't feel my feet.

That's because you
don't have any.

-Sucks, doesn't it?
-Easy.

I forgot how amazing
it is to have a real body!

-Stretch first!
-Wow!

-Oh! Oh!
-Oh, watch out!

So, who wants to have
a little bite

of this fresh beef salad?

Trust me, Dolly, you don't
want your first time

to be with anyone in this house.

These people are ran-through.

We are going to find you
a fresh piece of ass.

Wait for me, koukla mou.

I'm doing it.

I'm a real body person.

-[cameraman] Careful!
-Oh. Oh.

That's right. We swapped bodies.

Huh. Looks like
they're turning the GNC

into a Jersey Mike's.

None of you find
this interesting? Hello?

[Nandor]
Not really.

I mean, you're kind of
the same person anyway.

So, what? You swapped.
Big whoop.

-[Nadja scoffs]
-[Laszlo clears throat]

Talking of vampires,
which I believe you were...

[Colin]
We weren't.

...what do we actually
know about them?

Why?

Uh, for...

the purposes of the float?

Oh, I see. Boy stuff.
Vroom, vroom. Carry on.

Vamp
ires. The first thing that
comes into your head. Anybody.

Oh, uh, they tend to form
insular social units

and not let perceived
outsiders join the group.

Like I said, what do we know
about vampires?

Vampires always go soft
after two pumps.

It's a classic vampire thing.

-Uh...
-What about the one
where if you

drop a bunch of rice
in front of a vampire

he has to count
every single grain?

No, I, too, have heard that
before. But I think it's cack.

-Hmm, but there again,
it might not be.
-[Nadja] Isn't there a thing

that if you throw a vampire's
shoe into the river,

you have to follow it?

Oh, yes, true.

Don't be silly, it's not a shoe.

It is a sock.

Come on, this is classic
Vampire 101 shit, guys.

Well, the only way
I'm gonna find this out

is if I put it to the test.

Come on, Gizmo.

Oh, and me.
I'd like to come, too.

I don't think so.

No, you-you should
probably stay with Sean

and help him with the float,
for the parade.

Or talk to your bird
in-in your room.

I'm not speaking to Matthew
at the moment.

All right, fine.

I know when I'm not wanted.

And this is not
one of those times.

Come on, boys!

[Nadja] So, I thought there's
no better place for my Dolly

to find some piping-hot strange
than speed dating.

Hello, everyone. I'm a virgin.

I already regret this.

I used to be dead,
and then I was a ghost,

and then I was a doll,
and now...

I am human once more. [laughs]

How about you?

-I'm in sales.
-Ooh.

Mud huts or livestock?

-I like him.
-[bell rings]

My dowry is really cheap.

Just one large goose and before
you can even slit its throat,

-boom, I'm your wife.
-Oof.
-[bell rings]

How do you feel about taking
the virginity of a dead ghost?

It's your lucky night.

-Ugh.
-[bell rings]

-Oh, dear.
-You like? Woo!

[laughing] Opa!

Ela! This is a mating dance

because I have selected you
to be my mate.

Look how wide I am.

Please, no physical touch.

Fuck off, lady!
[spitting]

Okay. All right.
You are out of here. Come on.

What? No, I was just
doing a date.

-Yes, thank you, remove us.
-Come on.
-Oh.

[Laszlo]
Commence the test.

Absolutely no urge
to count the rice.

I don't know what Colin Robinson
was talking about.

Another vampire myth
proved to be nonsense.

But just before I attend
to other duties...

-Yes.
-One.

-Two. Four.
-Three.

-Five.
-Six.

Maybe we should move
on to the next test?

Shut up. Seven.

-Eight. Ten.
-Nine. Eleven.

All right, next up is vampires
can triple jump?

Ah.

What does that even mean?

I'll show you what it means.

One.

Two.

Three! See?

Oh.

Yo, Laz. What you
doing up there?

Oh, hi, Sean.

Um, just checking out
your float.

Looks fantastic.

-[Sean] Good night.
-See ya.

[Guillermo]
So, two small jumps,
and on the third jump,

jump real high, like Mario.

Mario who?

Why bother with fancy jumps
when you can just fly?

-Flying does have its limits.
-Oh, really?

A vampire can only ascend
as high

as the lowest cloud in the area.

Well, I think that is more
of a Laszlo thing

than a vampire thing.

Really?

Well, how high can you fly?

Outer space.

Write that down.

Maybe not write that down,
on the account of it being...

bullshit.

I get it, you have never
flown to outer space.

No.

For some, it is
a little too scary.

But not for me.

That's why I've done it
many times.

I mean, you know,

I've flown up like really high.

Now, have I technically flown
to outer space?

No.

But there's no reason
why I couldn't.

I mean, I don't have to breathe
oxygen or any shit like that.

So, yeah.

I did not lie.

I am essentially the king
of outer space.

Of course you are, Major Tom.

Enough of that nonsense.

Find me a river
I can toss my sock into.

You know what?!

I think I might just fly
to outer space right now!

Not you or you can stop me.

Or you!

So, good luck with your shitty
little science experiments,

because I'm going
to outer space!

Well, speed dating was a bust.

But there is one person in
the house the doll is horny for.

I don't like this decision,

but since we all F each other
all the time here anyway,

I can't be a hypocrite.

-Right?
-Nope.

So, let me get this straight.

Nadja Doll, who's currently
in Real Nadja's body

wants to have sex with me?

-Uh-huh.
-Yep.

And Real Nadja,
who's currently inhabiting

Nadja Doll's body is...
fine with this?

Mm-hmm.

And-and you're not gonna
kill me after...?

No!

I'm open to it, I-I just...

I don't want it to affect
our friendship.

[Nadja]
What friendship?

Oh, no, we don't really
like you that much.

I-I wouldn't say we are friends.

No.

Okay, then why do you
want to doink me?

-[exclaims in Greek]
-[laughing]

This guy doesn't
understand women at all.

Oh, dear.

Hey, Gray Boy.

I'm offering it to you
on a plate.

The information I've gathered today
has revolutionized

my entire conception
vampire kind.

[Guillermo]
I just don't see
how that's gonna speed

-the process of turning me.
-Patience, dear boy. Patience.

Now, give me your arm.

Ah, just as I hypothesized.

You skin has some of
the properties of a vampire,

yet you are still able to walk
under the rays of the sun.

So, does that mean
I'm a day walker?

Am I like Blade?

Yeah, you're exactly like Blade.

Fuck off.

Now, sit still.

Ow. Okay.

A little of that on my arm.

Add my special light.

[sizzling]

Starting to sting.

Getting a bit more painful.

[grunts] Fuck.

That's fascinating.

So fascinating!

Right. Strip off, cock ahoy,
and get on the running machine.

Wait, what?

I need three gallons
of your sweat for science.

Mind if I put on some music
to get us in the mood?

Mm.

["Ants Marching"
by Dave Matthews Band plays]

Woo! Ooh, yeah.

Love it. Mmm.

I really can't decide

whether it's weirder
if I'm here,

or not here.

Same.

-And he comes in. [chuckles]
-Ooh.

Oh, it's happening. Oh, boy.

-I'm gonna kiss you.
-[Nadja Doll] Okay.

-I-I can't.
-Oh.

-I'm sorry. Don't get me wrong.
-[music stops]

I like how fucked-up this is.

I-I really like
how fucked-up this is.

I just... I think I'm only
attracted to you in doll form.

-I get that.
-Are you kidding me?!

Sorry, Nadja. Daddy likey
what Daddy likey.

Dolly bae, maybe
we can try again

in another hundred years or so.

But I have barely
gotten to do anything.

I haven't even used this yet.

Come on. "Swap back" time.

I'm not going anywhere.

I just need to mention now

that I cannot force a spirit
to leave a vessel.

What the fuck?

Sassy leaving dance.

-Ooh.
-No. Bitch.

-Come back.
-Yeah, there was no way

I was gonna tap that.

If it's so hard to swap us back,

why did you swap us
in the first place?

Wait, so you're saying you can't
make a spirit leave a vessel,

but could you put two spirits
in the same vessel?

Oh. I don't see why not.

Oh...

♪ ♪

[Laszlo]
After a distillation process...

It gives me no pleasure to
lather my skin in Gizmo's sweat.

Yet, I have reason to believe

it contains
extraordinary powers.

Powers that enable a vampire

to walk under
the shining rays...

of the sun.

If my calculations
aren't correct,

I could be a lump
of coal in seconds.

Ha! But you only live once.

Holy shit! That is bright.

-[power tools whirring]
-There you go.

This is amazing.

-Ha ha!
-Oh, hell yeah, Laz.

There's so much heat on our
campaign now, it's unbelievable.

Paul Shaffer's limo driver
reposted our flyer on Instagram.

You have the most
beautiful skin.

Yeah, I use Charmaine's
foot cream.

What do you think
about the float?

H-How's that coming along?

The float? Oh, it's fantastic.

I've been working on it
noon and night.

Now, do me a favor.

Could I borrow a beach chaise?

-Beach chaise?
-I promise it's for the float.

Something that one might
sit out in the sun on.

What the fuck is a beach chaise?
Is that French?

They're lawn chairs, Seanie.
Yeah, we got lawn chairs.

Thank you very much, very kind.

-Now I want to go to the beach.
-Did you see my sign?

-Then go to the beach.
-[laughs]

♪ ♪

Yes.

[cackling]

Fetch that!

-Hey...
-[laughing]

Ooh.

[laughs]

[bird cawing]

[hissing]

-[Nandor] Hello there.
-[gasps]

Master, what are you--

Why are you awake?

[Nandor]
I decided to get up early,

to prepare for my upcoming
journey to outer space.

What? You're not
really thinking about

going to outer space, are you?

Yes. It turns out
there are things

that I can do that your
little teacher Laszlo cannot.

I know that you've become
enamored with his intelligence,

but it is not intelligence
that got mankind to outer space.

It took brute strength
and gumption.

These are clearly things
that do not interest you.

Wait. Are you going
to outer space

just to impress me?

Sorry, what?

Am I doing this
to impress Guillermo?

[snorts]

Yes.

Esti toraiti nokti onidete.

[Nadja]
Now, Colin Robinson came up with
an actually not horrible idea

of having his soul
put into my real body

to convince my Dolly spirit
to leave.

Neves daugite!

[rumbling]

Huh. Look at that,
I guess it worked.

[gasps] I know what
you're trying to do.

You're trying to smoke me out,

you tricksy little bitches.

Well, eat skata.

Because I actually quite
like this new company.

Oh, I think I'm gonna go
just read my newspaper.

No, I want to go
practice cartwheels.

No, I want to go finish my blog
about being a male feminist. No!

Oh, nice going, dipshit.

Push him over.

[Nadja Doll]
No, let me go!

It is almost time for my ascent.

Thanks, guys, for lending me
the itty-bitty baby cameras.

Cute.

Hi, it's Nandor here.

And here.

We do not go to outer space
because it is easy,

we go because it is hard.

Taking off in three...

-And because it will be fun.
-In two...

-I hope.
-And one...

Liftoff!

I am approximately 20 feet
above the backyard.

Roger, over and out, good buddy.

♪ Love is love ♪

[cheering and whooping]

Go, Rita!

[whooping]

Thank you, Rita the lesbian
roommate. And I love

the LGBD...

etcetera community.

-Q.
-[Sean] And the Qs.

Which brings me
to tonight's guests

who are gonna help us
kick off the festivities.

They are what Staten Island
is all about.

-[cheering]
-They're immigrants.

They're big-time gays.

[Charmaine]
Big-time!

[Sean]
Super duper gay.

-[cheering]
-All right, yeah, Okay.

Without further ado,
come on out, guys!

[cheering]

Hey, it's Laz!

[Laszlo]
Yes!

What the hell happened
to your face, man?

Just caught a bit of sun,
do you like it?

-The bloody mirror...
-You idiot.

-Okay.
-Hey, say hey if you're gay.

[all] Hey!

Come on, let's have a clap
for gay!

[applause]

Let me tell you something,

this fella tries
to kiss me all the time.

That's right!

[Laszlo]
He does.

Right, I'm not the only grand
marshal of this gay parade.

Nandor.

-Now, where is Nandor? What?
-Laszlo.

He's busy doing--

He's what?

So, I'm very high up now.

[wind howling]

At least five miles.

I'm getting
a little light-headed.

[jet engines approaching]

Oh, it's a fucking plane.

Hi, plane.

[whooshing]

[Laszlo]
All right, all right, all right.

Let's welcome
the most beautiful girl

I know and I've ever met.

My good lady wife Nadja.
Come on.

-Oh, she's right here.
I've got her.
-I'm here.

Quiet, crone!

Hello, everyone. Thank you all
so much for coming.

[grunts]

[man]
What the hell's wrong with her?

Whoa.

-[crowd gasping]
-Seriously, it means
a lot to us.

-[screaming]
-[man] Oh, shit.

You put acid in my beer again.

[Nadja Doll]
Shut up, Colin Robinson!

-[grunting, straining]
-Holy shit.

Woo! Being gay!

[Colin]
My turn again.

[Nadja]
What the fuck is happening?

Okay, so that's what happens

when you put two souls
in one body.

Good to know.

[screaming]

Why did Guillermo
make me do this?

It fucking sucks!

I did it.

I fucking did it.

I'm in outer space.

Fuck you, Laszlo.

Fuck you, Guillermo!

I made it to outer space!

It really makes you reflect
on how small we all are.

Wait...

No, no, no.

[shouting]

[screaming]

♪ I'm gonna go out ♪

♪ And let myself get
absolutely soaking wet ♪

Let's go.

♪ It's raining men ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ It's raining men ♪

♪ Amen ♪

She does have
a beautiful voice, though.

♪ We're gay, you're gay ♪

[sobbing]

Okay, who's ready for a parade?

[cheering]

[screaming]

[microphone feedback screeches]

-What the fuck?
-What the blazes?

[groaning]

-[Charmaine] Sean, are you okay?
-Oh, my God. [coughs]

-Master, are you all right?
-[panting]

Well, well, well...

If it isn't Mr. Vampires
Can't Go to Outer Space.

Guess what.

[gasping]

Hey, I just went to outer space!

Turn around, I-I want
to see what's happening.

No, I'm looking.

Again, who's ready for a parade?

[cheering]

♪ It's raining men ♪

♪ Hallelujah... ♪

-How gay is this?
-[Sean] We're bringing back
the Rangers.

Remember to vote Rinaldi!

-♪ It's raining men... ♪
-Damn it, Colin.

No, I'm dancing.

-♪ It's raining men ♪
-[old-timey horn honking]

♪ It's raining men, hallelujah ♪

♪ It's raining men ♪

♪ Amen ♪

-[whooping]
-♪ It's raining men... ♪

I went to space!

[shouting, cheering]

We're proud, we're so proud.

[whooping]

♪ Hallelujah... ♪

-[Sean] We're doing it!
-[Charmaine whoops]

♪ It's raining men ♪

♪ Tall, blonde, dark and lean ♪

♪ Rough and tough
and strong and mean ♪

♪ It's raining men, come on... ♪

I was hoping I'd meet some
little green buddies up there.

[Nadja]
Yes, my darling.
Give it to her good.

-Oh, hi, Guillermo. Hoo-hoo!
-Oh!

Oh, ho, ho!

-Gather round, everyone.
-Oh, yes.

Nope, nope,
I'm not staying for this.

-[Nadja] Prude!
-Are you sure?

Am I hitting the spot,
Colin Robinson?

Oh, yeah. Nah, that's fine.
Just fine.

♪ I wish I didn't want you ♪

♪ I wish I didn't need you ♪

♪ But, baby, I'm stuck on you ♪

♪ Don't know how you do it ♪

♪ You really put me through it ♪

♪ It must be
the devil's work you do ♪

♪ I wish I didn't want you ♪

♪ I wish I didn't need you ♪

♪ But, baby, I'm stuck on you ♪

♪ I don't know how you do it ♪

♪ You really put me through it ♪

♪ It must be
the devil's work you do ♪

♪ The devil's work you do. ♪