Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,906 --> 00:00:05,072
"What a loser.
2
00:00:05,073 --> 00:00:06,240
"I hate ChaseDreams. He sucks.
3
00:00:06,241 --> 00:00:07,658
"Loser. Loser.
4
00:00:07,659 --> 00:00:09,202
"ChaseDreams sucks. Asshole.
5
00:00:09,203 --> 00:00:10,328
Loser. Sucks."
6
00:00:10,329 --> 00:00:11,829
And that's just one comment.
7
00:00:11,830 --> 00:00:12,830
I'm so sorry.
8
00:00:12,831 --> 00:00:16,083
This is all my fault.
9
00:00:16,084 --> 00:00:18,127
I mean, it's not all my fault.
10
00:00:18,128 --> 00:00:19,837
It's just, everyone still
thinks I'm this bad man,
11
00:00:19,838 --> 00:00:21,172
and I'm not.
- Yeah.
12
00:00:21,173 --> 00:00:23,883
You know, and it's
giving me anxiety.
13
00:00:23,884 --> 00:00:26,093
Hold on.
14
00:00:26,094 --> 00:00:27,345
You have anxiety?
15
00:00:27,346 --> 00:00:29,096
Yeah, and it's
making me depressed.
16
00:00:29,097 --> 00:00:30,640
What... wait.
17
00:00:30,641 --> 00:00:33,059
You have anxiety and depression?
18
00:00:33,060 --> 00:00:35,311
I mean, I guess so.
19
00:00:35,312 --> 00:00:36,354
Oh, my God.
20
00:00:36,355 --> 00:00:38,272
I have a client...
21
00:00:39,525 --> 00:00:43,236
Struggling with mental health.
22
00:00:43,237 --> 00:00:45,071
Chase, you beautiful boy.
23
00:00:45,072 --> 00:00:46,697
Do you know what this means?
24
00:00:46,698 --> 00:00:49,242
There's money in singing,
but if we can make you
25
00:00:49,243 --> 00:00:52,912
the face of mental
health, my gosh...
26
00:00:52,913 --> 00:00:54,247
Shuli, no.
27
00:00:54,248 --> 00:00:55,289
This is disgusting.
28
00:00:55,290 --> 00:00:56,707
Why? He has anxiety.
29
00:00:56,708 --> 00:00:58,042
He said it himself.
30
00:00:58,043 --> 00:01:00,044
I thought you'd be
on board with this.
31
00:01:00,045 --> 00:01:02,713
He could do a lot of good.
32
00:01:02,714 --> 00:01:04,048
Oh.
33
00:01:04,049 --> 00:01:05,216
Yeah?
34
00:01:05,217 --> 00:01:08,052
I mean, he does have anxiety,
35
00:01:08,053 --> 00:01:09,554
so it's not a lie.
36
00:01:09,555 --> 00:01:12,431
And having him talk
about mental health
37
00:01:12,432 --> 00:01:14,308
could empower others.
38
00:01:14,309 --> 00:01:18,187
So I could do what
I wanted all along:
39
00:01:18,188 --> 00:01:19,313
Good.
40
00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:21,858
I could finally do good...
41
00:01:21,859 --> 00:01:23,568
Girl, don't just
do the thing I did.
42
00:01:23,569 --> 00:01:25,444
Okay, sorry. How
does this help me?
43
00:01:25,445 --> 00:01:28,030
I just want to stop looking
bad and go back to being me.
44
00:01:28,031 --> 00:01:29,282
First things first,
45
00:01:29,283 --> 00:01:31,033
we'll set you up
with a therapist...
46
00:01:31,034 --> 00:01:32,034
Okay.
47
00:01:32,035 --> 00:01:33,077
App.
48
00:01:33,078 --> 00:01:35,329
A therapist app.
49
00:01:35,330 --> 00:01:36,372
Hi.
50
00:01:36,373 --> 00:01:37,915
I'm pop singer ChaseDreams.
51
00:01:37,916 --> 00:01:40,334
I used to be bad and
want to punch my mom,
52
00:01:40,335 --> 00:01:42,420
but then I went to therapy,
and now, I'm all better,
53
00:01:42,421 --> 00:01:43,921
because therapy works,
54
00:01:43,922 --> 00:01:45,590
which is why I've
partnered with BetterHealth
55
00:01:45,591 --> 00:01:48,801
to give away $1 million
in free therapy to you.
56
00:01:48,802 --> 00:01:52,013
Because we all struggle
sometimes, including me,
57
00:01:52,014 --> 00:01:55,308
the new face of mental
health, ChaseDreams.
58
00:01:55,309 --> 00:01:57,602
♪ I-I-I'm a winner ♪
59
00:01:57,603 --> 00:01:59,395
And then we're gonna go
shopping on Main Street,
60
00:01:59,396 --> 00:02:01,272
and walk through that
little park with the ducks.
61
00:02:01,273 --> 00:02:02,773
Do you remember that park, Cary?
62
00:02:02,774 --> 00:02:04,442
- Uh...
- And then we're gonna go back
63
00:02:04,443 --> 00:02:05,776
to Lisa's and order dinner
64
00:02:05,777 --> 00:02:07,278
from El Poncho Taqueria.
65
00:02:07,279 --> 00:02:08,738
Ooh, I can't wait.
66
00:02:08,739 --> 00:02:10,198
I think you might be
the first person ever
67
00:02:10,199 --> 00:02:11,741
to be excited to go to Ohio.
68
00:02:11,742 --> 00:02:13,034
Well, I am.
69
00:02:13,035 --> 00:02:15,494
Things have been so crazy here.
70
00:02:15,495 --> 00:02:17,955
I just want a simple
weekend back home.
71
00:02:17,956 --> 00:02:19,874
Reconnect with the old me.
72
00:02:19,875 --> 00:02:21,334
Are you sure you
don't wanna come?
73
00:02:21,335 --> 00:02:23,336
It is your high school
reunion tonight.
74
00:02:23,337 --> 00:02:24,587
Yeah, no,
75
00:02:24,588 --> 00:02:26,297
I am absolutely
not going to that.
76
00:02:26,298 --> 00:02:28,341
I just... I don't know.
I thought I was gonna be
77
00:02:28,342 --> 00:02:29,717
more successful by now.
78
00:02:29,718 --> 00:02:30,968
Like, if I'm gonna go,
79
00:02:30,969 --> 00:02:32,637
I need to make sure I fully win.
80
00:02:32,638 --> 00:02:34,722
Sorry. Aren't you
so successful?
81
00:02:34,723 --> 00:02:37,308
What about "Night Nurse"
and "Emily Overruled"
82
00:02:37,309 --> 00:02:39,894
and the Disney movie?
And now "WindWeaver"?
83
00:02:39,895 --> 00:02:41,938
I mean that show's a hit, Cary.
84
00:02:41,939 --> 00:02:43,981
It's number one on
Netflix, after that show
85
00:02:43,982 --> 00:02:45,983
where the puppies
run the errands.
86
00:02:45,984 --> 00:02:47,068
What else are you looking for?
87
00:02:47,069 --> 00:02:48,569
Yeah, I know it's a hit.
88
00:02:48,570 --> 00:02:49,987
But I still don't know
89
00:02:49,988 --> 00:02:51,489
if they're gonna
do more seasons,
90
00:02:51,490 --> 00:02:53,074
so it's not like I
have job security,
91
00:02:53,075 --> 00:02:55,534
and even if they do, my
character doesn't talk.
92
00:02:55,535 --> 00:02:57,870
And it's just a
dumb wizard show.
93
00:02:57,871 --> 00:02:59,246
It's not, like, important
or...
94
00:02:59,247 --> 00:03:00,998
Oh, sorry, Cary.
My copter's here.
95
00:03:00,999 --> 00:03:02,833
And I gotta get
to my plane ASAP,
96
00:03:02,834 --> 00:03:05,378
because all the stores on
Main Street close at 3:15.
97
00:03:05,379 --> 00:03:06,671
Oh, this is my agent.
98
00:03:06,672 --> 00:03:07,797
She wants me to give her a call.
99
00:03:07,798 --> 00:03:09,423
Okay, well, have fun.
100
00:03:09,424 --> 00:03:10,800
Tell no one I said hi.
101
00:03:10,801 --> 00:03:12,009
Cary...
102
00:03:13,220 --> 00:03:14,762
- Cary!
- Hey, Mackenzie.
103
00:03:14,763 --> 00:03:17,014
Guess what. Or wait,
can you hear me
104
00:03:17,015 --> 00:03:18,182
over the sound of the ocean?
105
00:03:18,183 --> 00:03:19,475
I'm back in the Hamptons.
106
00:03:19,476 --> 00:03:20,601
Again?
107
00:03:20,602 --> 00:03:22,395
Yes. Yeah, I can hear you.
108
00:03:22,396 --> 00:03:24,313
Great, because I
have incredible news.
109
00:03:24,314 --> 00:03:26,774
Netflix just picked
up "WindWeaver"
110
00:03:26,775 --> 00:03:28,484
for three more seasons.
111
00:03:28,485 --> 00:03:29,735
Wait. What?
112
00:03:29,736 --> 00:03:31,112
Yeah. I mean, it makes sense.
113
00:03:31,113 --> 00:03:32,571
It's the biggest
show Netflix has
114
00:03:32,572 --> 00:03:34,281
that doesn't involve
puppies running errands.
115
00:03:34,282 --> 00:03:35,449
Oh, and get this.
116
00:03:35,450 --> 00:03:36,492
They wanna make you
117
00:03:36,493 --> 00:03:37,910
a series regular.
118
00:03:37,911 --> 00:03:40,579
What?
119
00:03:40,580 --> 00:03:41,789
A series regular?
120
00:03:41,790 --> 00:03:43,124
Wait. Is this real?
121
00:03:43,125 --> 00:03:44,625
Like, how? Why?
122
00:03:44,626 --> 00:03:45,751
Well, you know how "WindWeaver"
123
00:03:45,752 --> 00:03:46,877
is based on those books?
124
00:03:46,878 --> 00:03:47,878
Apparently, the fifth book
125
00:03:47,879 --> 00:03:49,547
is being published Friday,
126
00:03:49,548 --> 00:03:51,632
and in that book, it's
revealed that your character,
127
00:03:51,633 --> 00:03:54,093
the little serf
elf with no lines,
128
00:03:54,094 --> 00:03:57,013
is actually the one
who weaves the wind.
129
00:03:57,014 --> 00:03:59,557
What?
130
00:03:59,558 --> 00:04:00,850
Holy fucking shit.
131
00:04:00,851 --> 00:04:02,852
My... my character
132
00:04:02,853 --> 00:04:04,186
is the WindWeaver?
133
00:04:04,187 --> 00:04:06,147
It's my... I'm the WindWeaver?
134
00:04:06,148 --> 00:04:08,107
It's insane. Right?
135
00:04:08,108 --> 00:04:10,026
Apparently, the books
end up being all about
136
00:04:10,027 --> 00:04:12,236
how the least of us
hold the most power,
137
00:04:12,237 --> 00:04:15,906
so your lowly, gay elf ends
up being the WindWeaver.
138
00:04:15,907 --> 00:04:18,534
Oh, did I mention your
character's gay, too?
139
00:04:18,535 --> 00:04:20,911
- So it's also important?
- Yeah, and this will all be
140
00:04:20,912 --> 00:04:22,496
on "Deadline" in, like, an hour.
141
00:04:22,497 --> 00:04:24,749
This is, comically,
everything I ever wanted.
142
00:04:24,750 --> 00:04:28,127
I guess... I guess I
should go to my reunion.
143
00:04:28,128 --> 00:04:30,963
Shit. Okay, it
starts in six hours.
144
00:04:30,964 --> 00:04:32,298
It's an eight-hour drive.
145
00:04:32,299 --> 00:04:33,799
I'm gonna have to race.
146
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:35,718
Mackenzie, find me a
rental car upstate, stat.
147
00:04:35,719 --> 00:04:37,970
- That is not my job...
- Okay.
148
00:04:37,971 --> 00:04:40,139
Hi, everyone. Hello. Hi.
149
00:04:40,140 --> 00:04:43,517
I just wanna say thank you
so much for doing this.
150
00:04:43,518 --> 00:04:46,604
As you all know, Chase,
and by extension, me,
151
00:04:46,605 --> 00:04:48,105
are all about doing good now,
152
00:04:48,106 --> 00:04:50,441
and more specifically,
all about mental health,
153
00:04:50,442 --> 00:04:52,276
which is why I am so proud
154
00:04:52,277 --> 00:04:55,279
to be producing this
telethon for "P!",
155
00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:58,741
which aims to raise $250 million
156
00:04:58,742 --> 00:05:01,411
for mental health awareness.
157
00:05:03,163 --> 00:05:05,956
Clap for me.
158
00:05:05,957 --> 00:05:08,292
Anyway, note that we're
going live in a few,
159
00:05:08,293 --> 00:05:11,712
but I need this to go well,
so if you have a prob,
160
00:05:11,713 --> 00:05:13,464
just let me or one
of my co-EPs know.
161
00:05:13,465 --> 00:05:15,049
- Hi.
- But remember,
162
00:05:15,050 --> 00:05:16,801
this was my idea, not theirs.
163
00:05:16,802 --> 00:05:18,177
- Yep.
- Hmm.
164
00:05:18,178 --> 00:05:20,930
Also, this is Effie,
our COVID officer,
165
00:05:20,931 --> 00:05:22,473
here to make sure
that you are all
166
00:05:22,474 --> 00:05:24,058
physically safe while working.
167
00:05:24,059 --> 00:05:26,727
And this is Jules, our
mental health officer,
168
00:05:26,728 --> 00:05:27,937
who is here to make sure
169
00:05:27,938 --> 00:05:29,480
that you are all
emotionally safe.
170
00:05:29,481 --> 00:05:32,817
Okay, I think I have
all my bases covered.
171
00:05:32,818 --> 00:05:36,737
So let's go raise
some insane money.
172
00:05:36,738 --> 00:05:38,447
Oh, please, don't say insane.
173
00:05:38,448 --> 00:05:39,532
Oh, sorry.
174
00:05:39,533 --> 00:05:41,534
Thank you, Jules.
175
00:05:41,535 --> 00:05:43,494
Welcome to "ChaseDreams
176
00:05:43,495 --> 00:05:45,204
"and BetterHealth present
177
00:05:45,205 --> 00:05:47,414
A Night of Undeniable Good,"
178
00:05:47,415 --> 00:05:49,583
an eight-hour
event raising money
179
00:05:49,584 --> 00:05:51,544
for mental health awareness,
180
00:05:51,545 --> 00:05:53,379
featuring performances
from singers
181
00:05:53,380 --> 00:05:55,047
who get anxious sometimes,
182
00:05:55,048 --> 00:05:57,341
like Lady Gaga, Ben Platt,
183
00:05:57,342 --> 00:05:59,718
and the cast of
"Hamilton," still.
184
00:05:59,719 --> 00:06:02,179
Plus a teen mental
health town hall
185
00:06:02,180 --> 00:06:04,014
led by Dr. Gregory Neal,
186
00:06:04,015 --> 00:06:06,851
and a powerful speech
from Parkland survivor
187
00:06:06,852 --> 00:06:09,353
insert name of Parkland
survivor we can get.
188
00:06:09,354 --> 00:06:11,438
- Whoops.
- Now here's your host,
189
00:06:11,439 --> 00:06:12,773
ChaseDreams.
190
00:06:12,774 --> 00:06:14,233
Hello. Good evening.
191
00:06:14,234 --> 00:06:15,776
Thank you for joining me.
192
00:06:15,777 --> 00:06:17,319
As you know, mental
health is something
193
00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:19,280
I've cared deeply
about for five weeks.
194
00:06:19,281 --> 00:06:20,865
Hi. Um, sorry.
195
00:06:20,866 --> 00:06:22,700
You know the therapist
doing the town hall?
196
00:06:22,701 --> 00:06:24,034
- Mm-hmm.
- Apparently,
197
00:06:24,035 --> 00:06:26,162
he's been sexually
harassing the crew.
198
00:06:26,163 --> 00:06:28,706
Wait. What?
199
00:06:28,707 --> 00:06:31,500
Aw, Lisa, it's so
nice to be back.
200
00:06:31,501 --> 00:06:33,210
Everything is just
as I remembered.
201
00:06:33,211 --> 00:06:35,045
And don't you just
love these jackets?
202
00:06:35,046 --> 00:06:36,881
Jenny's Jeans really
does have the best stuff.
203
00:06:36,882 --> 00:06:38,215
I know. I love all the buttons
204
00:06:38,216 --> 00:06:40,551
and the studs, and only $9.
205
00:06:40,552 --> 00:06:42,011
I mean, you really
don't need to spend
206
00:06:42,012 --> 00:06:43,637
more than $9 on a jacket.
207
00:06:43,638 --> 00:06:45,347
There's no reason.
- Nope.
208
00:06:45,348 --> 00:06:48,684
Aw, and this pond is
just as I remember, too.
209
00:06:48,685 --> 00:06:50,477
And I bet these are
even the same ducks.
210
00:06:52,022 --> 00:06:53,355
Do you want to feed them?
211
00:06:53,356 --> 00:06:55,232
We could get bread
at Benny's Bread.
212
00:06:55,233 --> 00:06:57,401
It's right on Main Street,
next to Jenny's Jeans.
213
00:06:57,402 --> 00:06:59,403
Aw, I'd love to. You
know, it's really too bad
214
00:06:59,404 --> 00:07:00,571
that Cary decided not to come.
215
00:07:00,572 --> 00:07:02,239
Okay, if I keep going 90,
216
00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:05,035
I should be able to make it
for at least the last hour.
217
00:07:08,330 --> 00:07:10,706
Aw. Aw. Oh, my God.
218
00:07:10,707 --> 00:07:11,916
Oh, my God. Thank you.
219
00:07:11,917 --> 00:07:13,250
Thank you. That's so nice.
220
00:07:13,251 --> 00:07:14,710
Yeah, I was already
planning on coming,
221
00:07:14,711 --> 00:07:15,920
and then the news came out.
222
00:07:15,921 --> 00:07:17,046
And the news came out.
223
00:07:17,047 --> 00:07:18,505
So... Oh, my God. Thank you.
224
00:07:18,506 --> 00:07:20,591
Aw, that's so nice.
Thank you so much.
225
00:07:20,592 --> 00:07:21,759
Yes. Thank you.
226
00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:22,968
Thank you. Thank you.
227
00:07:22,969 --> 00:07:24,136
Thank you so much.
228
00:07:25,138 --> 00:07:26,430
Out you go.
229
00:07:26,431 --> 00:07:27,932
I was already
planning on coming.
230
00:07:27,933 --> 00:07:29,141
Stop. The news came out.
231
00:07:29,142 --> 00:07:30,434
Planning on coming anyway.
232
00:07:30,435 --> 00:07:31,602
So nice. Thank you so much.
233
00:07:31,603 --> 00:07:33,604
My God!
234
00:07:33,605 --> 00:07:35,397
Whoa. I did?
235
00:07:35,398 --> 00:07:37,066
I don't even remember that.
236
00:07:39,736 --> 00:07:41,695
What the heck?
- Hi, um...
237
00:07:41,696 --> 00:07:45,616
You've been throwing piss on
me for, like, the last hour.
238
00:07:45,617 --> 00:07:46,992
Oh, wait.
239
00:07:46,993 --> 00:07:48,244
Are you the WindWeaver?
240
00:07:48,245 --> 00:07:49,620
Oh, yeah.
241
00:07:49,621 --> 00:07:51,205
I am, yeah. Thank you.
242
00:07:51,206 --> 00:07:53,707
And let me guess: now
you're racing home
243
00:07:53,708 --> 00:07:56,001
to win your reunion.
244
00:07:56,002 --> 00:07:57,294
How'd you know that?
245
00:07:57,295 --> 00:07:58,712
'Cause I just found
out I'm gonna be
246
00:07:58,713 --> 00:08:00,381
Kamala Harris's
new chief of staff,
247
00:08:00,382 --> 00:08:01,882
so I'm racing home to win mine.
248
00:08:01,883 --> 00:08:03,175
- Oh.
- And here.
249
00:08:03,176 --> 00:08:04,843
I recommend a diaper
250
00:08:04,844 --> 00:08:06,470
so you can make it in time,
251
00:08:06,471 --> 00:08:08,639
but still show respect
for other gays on the road
252
00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:10,266
racing home to their reunions.
253
00:08:10,267 --> 00:08:12,643
Oh, is it more than
just the two of...
254
00:08:12,644 --> 00:08:14,895
Oh, yeah, there's
one in front of me.
255
00:08:14,896 --> 00:08:16,855
Uh, okay, so obviously,
256
00:08:16,856 --> 00:08:18,857
I can't have a sexual
predator on my "Night
257
00:08:18,858 --> 00:08:20,526
of Undeniable Good."
- No, of course not.
258
00:08:20,527 --> 00:08:22,319
But I also can't lose my
mental health therapist
259
00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:24,571
'cause he's here to do the good.
260
00:08:24,572 --> 00:08:25,823
- Yeah.
- Right.
261
00:08:25,824 --> 00:08:28,200
Was he grabbing
girl or guy butts?
262
00:08:28,201 --> 00:08:30,661
'Cause if it's guys, I mean...
263
00:08:30,662 --> 00:08:34,790
No, I don't know what you mean.
264
00:08:34,791 --> 00:08:36,166
You know, I think Melanie
265
00:08:36,167 --> 00:08:37,626
and Streeter and
I have got this.
266
00:08:37,627 --> 00:08:39,086
But thanks for
letting us know, girl.
267
00:08:39,087 --> 00:08:40,546
Love you.
- Thank you so much.
268
00:08:40,547 --> 00:08:42,464
Yeah, love you. Love you.
269
00:08:42,465 --> 00:08:43,716
Okay. How about we just ask
270
00:08:43,717 --> 00:08:44,967
these women not to say anything?
271
00:08:44,968 --> 00:08:47,344
You know, just stay silen...
272
00:08:47,345 --> 00:08:50,139
Well, not stay silent.
That's not what I'm saying.
273
00:08:50,140 --> 00:08:51,849
It's just, you know,
maybe these women
274
00:08:51,850 --> 00:08:53,684
were flirting with him.
Maybe they were asking for...
275
00:08:53,685 --> 00:08:55,060
Eh...
276
00:08:55,061 --> 00:08:57,187
Not asking for... oh, my God.
277
00:08:57,188 --> 00:08:58,939
Everything people say
that gets them in trouble,
278
00:08:58,940 --> 00:09:00,941
I'm actually
saying. It's crazy.
279
00:09:00,942 --> 00:09:02,192
Your brain really does go there.
280
00:09:02,193 --> 00:09:03,777
Please, don't say crazy.
281
00:09:03,778 --> 00:09:04,862
Jesus. Yes.
282
00:09:04,863 --> 00:09:06,030
Thank you, Jules.
- Wait.
283
00:09:06,031 --> 00:09:07,114
I know a Bravo therapist
284
00:09:07,115 --> 00:09:08,490
who might be able to fill in.
285
00:09:08,491 --> 00:09:10,159
But a heads-up:
most of his advice
286
00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:11,452
to the teens in crisis will be
287
00:09:11,453 --> 00:09:12,786
to just let Bethenny
be Bethenny.
288
00:09:12,787 --> 00:09:14,121
Fine. Whatever.
289
00:09:14,122 --> 00:09:15,706
If he's a therapist,
then call him.
290
00:09:15,707 --> 00:09:18,042
Because the good move
is to fire the predator,
291
00:09:18,043 --> 00:09:20,252
so that is what I am doing.
292
00:09:20,253 --> 00:09:24,048
Now I am off to watch
more of my goodness.
293
00:09:24,049 --> 00:09:26,383
Thank you, John Krasinski,
for that beautiful poem
294
00:09:26,384 --> 00:09:27,634
while flexing.
295
00:09:27,635 --> 00:09:29,053
When we come back, a message
296
00:09:29,054 --> 00:09:30,637
from a Parkland survivor.
297
00:09:30,638 --> 00:09:32,222
And before that,
three performances
298
00:09:32,223 --> 00:09:34,058
from John Legend that
will make you say,
299
00:09:34,059 --> 00:09:37,019
"Huh, I think he just
doesn't like to be home."
300
00:09:37,020 --> 00:09:38,228
Okay.
301
00:09:38,229 --> 00:09:40,189
Hi, um, more bad news.
302
00:09:40,190 --> 00:09:42,232
Apparently, the
Parkland survivor
303
00:09:42,233 --> 00:09:43,692
has COVID.
304
00:09:43,693 --> 00:09:46,236
Oh, my God.
305
00:09:46,237 --> 00:09:47,571
Okay. Okay.
306
00:09:47,572 --> 00:09:49,448
Okay.
307
00:09:52,369 --> 00:09:54,328
♪ The gays are
racing home tonight ♪
308
00:09:54,329 --> 00:09:55,954
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
309
00:09:55,955 --> 00:09:58,624
♪ Our reunions we
will crush tonight ♪
310
00:09:58,625 --> 00:10:00,292
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
311
00:10:00,293 --> 00:10:02,336
♪ No one will be more
successful than we ♪
312
00:10:02,337 --> 00:10:04,505
♪ Or understand Kamala
better than he ♪
313
00:10:04,506 --> 00:10:08,842
♪ Because we are gay
and coming to win the night ♪
314
00:10:08,843 --> 00:10:10,761
Oh, look, a third gay.
315
00:10:10,762 --> 00:10:12,638
♪ At Netflix I run comedy ♪
316
00:10:12,639 --> 00:10:14,431
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
317
00:10:14,432 --> 00:10:16,767
♪ And at Google,
I'm the new VP ♪
318
00:10:16,768 --> 00:10:18,394
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
319
00:10:18,395 --> 00:10:20,646
♪ And now I am
sitting in my own pee ♪
320
00:10:20,647 --> 00:10:22,606
♪ So all of my past
can compliment me ♪
321
00:10:22,607 --> 00:10:26,318
♪ 'Cause we four gays
are coming to win the night ♪
322
00:10:26,319 --> 00:10:28,695
No, but really.
323
00:10:28,696 --> 00:10:32,032
♪ Think of what they'll
say when they see me ♪
324
00:10:32,033 --> 00:10:34,159
- ♪ See me ♪
- ♪ All my classmates ♪
325
00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:36,161
♪ With their sad little lives ♪
326
00:10:36,162 --> 00:10:38,622
- ♪ Sad little lives ♪
- ♪ Think of what they'll say ♪
327
00:10:38,623 --> 00:10:40,791
♪ How they'll
swoon and scream ♪
328
00:10:40,792 --> 00:10:45,129
♪ When the WindWeaver arrives ♪
329
00:10:45,130 --> 00:10:47,172
- Holy shit, Cary Dubek?
- Oh, my God.
330
00:10:47,173 --> 00:10:48,757
Everyone, stop
what you're doing.
331
00:10:48,758 --> 00:10:50,175
Cary Dubek's here.
332
00:10:50,176 --> 00:10:51,427
This is literally like
333
00:10:51,428 --> 00:10:53,345
if Brad Pitt came
to his reunion.
334
00:10:53,346 --> 00:10:55,347
♪ Us gays have not
been back in years ♪
335
00:10:55,348 --> 00:10:56,974
♪ Like 10, or 12 ♪
336
00:10:56,975 --> 00:10:59,309
♪ 'Cause high school for
us was full of tears ♪
337
00:10:59,310 --> 00:11:00,978
♪ So sad, oh, well ♪
338
00:11:00,979 --> 00:11:03,355
♪ But that was the past,
and this is the now ♪
339
00:11:03,356 --> 00:11:04,690
♪ And look at our résumés ♪
340
00:11:04,691 --> 00:11:05,774
♪ Holy shit, wow ♪
341
00:11:05,775 --> 00:11:09,278
♪ The gays are coming ♪
342
00:11:09,279 --> 00:11:13,657
♪ The gays are coming ♪
343
00:11:13,658 --> 00:11:15,743
♪ Home to win the night ♪
344
00:11:20,915 --> 00:11:22,207
It makes it look,
like, super clean
345
00:11:22,208 --> 00:11:23,917
or something like
that. Oh, my God.
346
00:11:23,918 --> 00:11:26,170
This is gorgeous, Lisa.
347
00:11:26,171 --> 00:11:29,131
Yep. Finally, have
my dream kitchen.
348
00:11:29,132 --> 00:11:30,507
Oh, I'm so jealous.
349
00:11:30,508 --> 00:11:32,301
I wish my kitchen
was bee themed.
350
00:11:32,302 --> 00:11:34,011
And I saved money on a designer
351
00:11:34,012 --> 00:11:36,430
by buying this little
stencil kit at Kathy's Crafts
352
00:11:36,431 --> 00:11:38,223
on the other side
of Jenny's Jeans,
353
00:11:38,224 --> 00:11:40,350
and just stenciling
the bees on myself.
354
00:11:40,351 --> 00:11:42,311
I love that you have
bees flying around
355
00:11:42,312 --> 00:11:43,687
on every single cupboard.
356
00:11:43,688 --> 00:11:44,980
I actually did bees flying
357
00:11:44,981 --> 00:11:46,190
around the whole house.
358
00:11:46,191 --> 00:11:48,358
I mean, why not?
I had the stencil.
359
00:11:48,359 --> 00:11:49,610
I'm gonna take a picture.
360
00:11:49,611 --> 00:11:51,487
This is so cozy.
- Thanks.
361
00:11:51,488 --> 00:11:52,529
And aw.
362
00:11:52,530 --> 00:11:53,739
I used to have that sign.
363
00:11:53,740 --> 00:11:55,073
Don't you love it?
364
00:11:55,074 --> 00:11:56,742
Meg got me that
for Mother's Day.
365
00:11:56,743 --> 00:11:58,285
She and Mark know to only
ever get me something
366
00:11:58,286 --> 00:12:00,245
with a bee on it now, or else.
367
00:12:00,246 --> 00:12:01,663
And how are Meg and Mark?
368
00:12:01,664 --> 00:12:03,165
The same. That reminds me.
369
00:12:03,166 --> 00:12:04,374
How's Brooke?
370
00:12:04,375 --> 00:12:06,210
What's she up to now?
- Oh...
371
00:12:06,211 --> 00:12:08,670
Are you sure he can't stay
for seven more minutes?
372
00:12:08,671 --> 00:12:10,380
You know, he's on
right after the break.
373
00:12:10,381 --> 00:12:11,632
Sorry. Protocol.
374
00:12:11,633 --> 00:12:12,716
Yes, totally.
375
00:12:12,717 --> 00:12:14,384
Safety is so key.
376
00:12:14,385 --> 00:12:15,427
Fuck.
377
00:12:15,428 --> 00:12:16,637
I can't lose my therapist
378
00:12:16,638 --> 00:12:18,388
and my Parkland teen.
379
00:12:18,389 --> 00:12:19,973
Do you know how
humiliating it will be
380
00:12:19,974 --> 00:12:22,100
to have an eight-hour
mental health telethon
381
00:12:22,101 --> 00:12:24,311
without one Parkland kid in it?
382
00:12:24,312 --> 00:12:25,812
Ooh, I know.
383
00:12:25,813 --> 00:12:26,939
What if we chloroform her?
384
00:12:26,940 --> 00:12:28,440
Oh, my God, Streeter, no.
385
00:12:28,441 --> 00:12:29,775
We can't chloroform
the COVID lady
386
00:12:29,776 --> 00:12:31,443
on my "Night of
Undeniable Good."
387
00:12:31,444 --> 00:12:32,569
Fine.
388
00:12:32,570 --> 00:12:33,862
This
way. This way.
389
00:12:33,863 --> 00:12:35,197
- What?
- Hmm?
390
00:12:35,198 --> 00:12:36,406
- Where are we going?
- I have an idea.
391
00:12:36,407 --> 00:12:37,908
I saw a broom closet upstairs.
392
00:12:37,909 --> 00:12:40,410
What if we just...
lock her in it for ten?
393
00:12:40,411 --> 00:12:41,828
Are you out of your mind?
394
00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:43,664
That feels just as bad
as chloroforming her.
395
00:12:43,665 --> 00:12:45,290
No, it's no big deal.
396
00:12:45,291 --> 00:12:46,583
We just lead her in
397
00:12:46,584 --> 00:12:47,876
and let the door
shut behind her.
398
00:12:47,877 --> 00:12:49,461
And then we say, "Oh, no.
399
00:12:49,462 --> 00:12:50,796
"We thought this was him.
400
00:12:50,797 --> 00:12:52,548
Our bad. We'll go get help."
401
00:12:52,549 --> 00:12:55,842
And then we just let her
out right after he speaks.
402
00:12:55,843 --> 00:12:57,135
No harm, no foul.
403
00:12:57,136 --> 00:12:58,095
Sorry.
404
00:12:58,096 --> 00:12:59,137
Excuse me.
405
00:12:59,138 --> 00:13:00,389
His dressing room's up here?
406
00:13:00,390 --> 00:13:01,390
I think so.
407
00:13:01,391 --> 00:13:02,516
Almost there.
408
00:13:02,517 --> 00:13:03,976
You cannot lock a full woman
409
00:13:03,977 --> 00:13:05,936
in a broom closet on
our night of good.
410
00:13:05,937 --> 00:13:07,854
We'd still be doing net good.
411
00:13:07,855 --> 00:13:10,065
It's one woman in a closet
for half of "Seinfeld"
412
00:13:10,066 --> 00:13:13,485
so millions of teens can hear
this Parkland kid's message.
413
00:13:13,486 --> 00:13:15,237
I mean, his speech is beautiful.
414
00:13:15,238 --> 00:13:17,114
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
415
00:13:17,115 --> 00:13:18,657
Breakdown to the stage.
416
00:13:18,658 --> 00:13:21,285
Okay, fine. But
just ten minutes.
417
00:13:21,286 --> 00:13:23,662
Okay, hands in. We're
doing good on three.
418
00:13:23,663 --> 00:13:24,871
One, two, three.
419
00:13:24,872 --> 00:13:26,123
We are doing good.
420
00:13:26,124 --> 00:13:27,624
Okay.
421
00:13:31,713 --> 00:13:33,338
Let's do this.
422
00:13:56,946 --> 00:13:57,904
I feel so stupid.
423
00:13:57,905 --> 00:13:59,156
No one here is gonna...
424
00:13:59,157 --> 00:14:00,157
Holy shit.
425
00:14:00,158 --> 00:14:01,241
Cary Dubek.
426
00:14:01,242 --> 00:14:02,659
Oh, my God.
427
00:14:02,660 --> 00:14:04,995
Everyone, stop
what you're doing.
428
00:14:04,996 --> 00:14:07,039
Cary Dubek is here.
429
00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:07,998
Whoa!
430
00:14:07,999 --> 00:14:08,999
This is like if Brad Pitt
431
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:10,334
came to his reunion.
432
00:14:10,335 --> 00:14:12,669
Wait. This is
literally the song.
433
00:14:12,670 --> 00:14:14,588
Oh, my God. I can't
believe you came.
434
00:14:14,589 --> 00:14:16,465
- Cary Dubes, dude.
- Yeah.
435
00:14:16,466 --> 00:14:18,175
Wait a minute.
What's going on?
436
00:14:18,176 --> 00:14:19,718
It kind of smells
like piss over here.
437
00:14:19,719 --> 00:14:22,429
Oh, that's for sure me.
438
00:14:22,430 --> 00:14:24,931
I'm literally
covered in piss 24/7.
439
00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:26,350
It's the joy of
having a one-year-old.
440
00:14:26,351 --> 00:14:28,185
Oh.
441
00:14:28,186 --> 00:14:30,437
Wow. Cary Dubek, hi.
442
00:14:30,438 --> 00:14:32,105
Sorry. Can I get a pic?
443
00:14:32,106 --> 00:14:33,690
My wife and I love "WindWeaver,"
444
00:14:33,691 --> 00:14:35,651
and now you're the full star?
445
00:14:35,652 --> 00:14:36,777
Thank you.
446
00:14:36,778 --> 00:14:37,944
That's so nice.
447
00:14:37,945 --> 00:14:44,743
But, um, uh, ah, are, ew.
448
00:14:44,744 --> 00:14:46,495
Sorry. What's that, Cary?
449
00:14:46,496 --> 00:14:48,580
Uh, ow are you?
450
00:14:48,581 --> 00:14:51,208
Oh. I think he's
asking how we are.
451
00:14:51,209 --> 00:14:52,668
Yeah. Sorry.
452
00:14:52,669 --> 00:14:54,795
Oh, no. We see
each other 24/7.
453
00:14:54,796 --> 00:14:56,338
I'm sick of hearing
about these people.
454
00:14:56,339 --> 00:14:58,840
- Yeah.
- Seriously.
455
00:14:58,841 --> 00:15:00,050
So wait.
456
00:15:00,051 --> 00:15:01,968
You just want me to
talk about myself
457
00:15:01,969 --> 00:15:04,012
all night?
458
00:15:04,013 --> 00:15:05,722
Yes!
459
00:15:05,723 --> 00:15:08,725
I mean, if you insist.
460
00:15:11,729 --> 00:15:13,021
Thank you, John Legend.
461
00:15:13,022 --> 00:15:14,690
Another B-plus.
462
00:15:14,691 --> 00:15:17,192
And now, a quick announcement
for all you at home.
463
00:15:17,193 --> 00:15:19,653
Starting now, if you
tweet about the show
464
00:15:19,654 --> 00:15:22,072
using the hashtag
#ANightOfUndeniableGood,
465
00:15:22,073 --> 00:15:23,865
you will get one
month of therapy
466
00:15:23,866 --> 00:15:25,242
courtesy of BetterHealth.
467
00:15:25,243 --> 00:15:26,785
So tell all your
mentally ill friends
468
00:15:26,786 --> 00:15:28,787
to tune in and tweet,
and let's make this
469
00:15:28,788 --> 00:15:31,665
the most-watched telethon ever.
470
00:15:31,666 --> 00:15:33,834
Okay, we'll be right
back after the break
471
00:15:33,835 --> 00:15:36,753
with insert name of whatever
Parkland teen we get.
472
00:15:36,754 --> 00:15:38,422
Okay. Set's right this way.
473
00:15:38,423 --> 00:15:39,798
Follow us.
474
00:15:39,799 --> 00:15:41,466
I'm trying. You're
just going really fast.
475
00:15:41,467 --> 00:15:42,759
Well, we're just
eager to get you
476
00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:43,802
out there to tell your story.
477
00:15:43,803 --> 00:15:44,928
- Hello?
- Hey.
478
00:15:44,929 --> 00:15:46,096
Is COVID lady still in there?
479
00:15:46,097 --> 00:15:47,931
Mm-hmm. Help's on
the way. Sorry.
480
00:15:47,932 --> 00:15:49,808
We really thought this
was his dressing room.
481
00:15:49,809 --> 00:15:51,309
- Okay.
- I feel so weird
482
00:15:51,310 --> 00:15:52,310
about this, Brooke.
483
00:15:52,311 --> 00:15:53,437
Like, that Parkland kid
484
00:15:53,438 --> 00:15:54,438
does have COVID.
- No.
485
00:15:54,439 --> 00:15:55,981
Do not get cold feet now.
486
00:15:55,982 --> 00:15:58,483
Plus, who can he hurt
in the next minute?
487
00:15:58,484 --> 00:15:59,943
Hi. Sia?
488
00:15:59,944 --> 00:16:01,319
I'm such a huge fan.
489
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:02,946
"Rolling In The Deep" is
one of my favorite songs.
490
00:16:02,947 --> 00:16:05,282
Fuck. He's giving Sia COVID.
491
00:16:05,283 --> 00:16:06,533
Hey. Hey, bud?
492
00:16:06,534 --> 00:16:07,617
Let's just keep it moving, okay?
493
00:16:07,618 --> 00:16:08,994
I'm sure Sia is very busy.
494
00:16:08,995 --> 00:16:10,454
Can I maybe give you a hug?
495
00:16:10,455 --> 00:16:11,663
- No, no.
- No.
496
00:16:11,664 --> 00:16:12,831
You know what? It's fine.
497
00:16:12,832 --> 00:16:14,291
Everyone has to be vaccinated,
498
00:16:14,292 --> 00:16:15,792
so even if she does get
it, it'll be a cold.
499
00:16:15,793 --> 00:16:16,835
She's young.
- Right.
500
00:16:16,836 --> 00:16:18,128
And is this your grandma?
501
00:16:18,129 --> 00:16:19,296
I have to give you a hug, too.
502
00:16:19,297 --> 00:16:20,297
Oh, my God.
503
00:16:20,298 --> 00:16:22,799
We killed Sia's grandma.
504
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:24,384
Streeter, quit being psycho.
505
00:16:24,385 --> 00:16:25,802
Oh, please don't say psycho.
506
00:16:25,803 --> 00:16:26,970
God, can someone
507
00:16:26,971 --> 00:16:28,472
please put a bell on them?
508
00:16:28,473 --> 00:16:29,973
Shit. He's on in 10 seconds.
509
00:16:29,974 --> 00:16:31,349
Uh... uh...
510
00:16:32,977 --> 00:16:34,311
Grandma, stay away from the boy.
511
00:16:34,312 --> 00:16:35,479
Step back, Grandma.
512
00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:36,980
- What? What?
- Up we go.
513
00:16:36,981 --> 00:16:38,440
No, no. Don't worry.
514
00:16:38,441 --> 00:16:40,025
We're all doing good.
We're doing good here.
515
00:16:40,026 --> 00:16:41,067
- This is good.
- Okay.
516
00:16:41,068 --> 00:16:42,444
Good coming through.
517
00:16:42,445 --> 00:16:43,695
- What he's doing is good.
- It's all good!
518
00:16:43,696 --> 00:16:45,197
And now, a moving message
519
00:16:45,198 --> 00:16:47,950
from Parkland survivor
Cameron Kasky.
520
00:16:49,786 --> 00:16:51,119
Thank you, Chase.
521
00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:53,205
As many of you may
know...
522
00:16:53,206 --> 00:16:54,706
Hi.
523
00:16:54,707 --> 00:16:57,751
We have a problem
with Ben Platt.
524
00:16:57,752 --> 00:16:59,711
What the fuck?
525
00:16:59,712 --> 00:17:00,837
God.
526
00:17:00,838 --> 00:17:02,589
You are just so famous now.
527
00:17:02,590 --> 00:17:04,424
And it makes sense. I
remember in high school,
528
00:17:04,425 --> 00:17:07,219
you won "Most likely to
win an Academy Award."
529
00:17:07,220 --> 00:17:08,345
I did?
530
00:17:08,346 --> 00:17:09,679
I don't even remember that.
531
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:11,598
God, I don't know what I won.
532
00:17:11,599 --> 00:17:13,975
Well, I got "most likely
to succeed," which is sad,
533
00:17:13,976 --> 00:17:15,310
'cause now I'm a dentist,
534
00:17:15,311 --> 00:17:16,686
which is nothing
compared to Cary.
535
00:17:16,687 --> 00:17:19,731
Oh, being a dentist
isn't nothing.
536
00:17:19,732 --> 00:17:22,025
Yes, it is. It's
truly nothing.
537
00:17:23,820 --> 00:17:26,988
Seriously, I tell everyone
I was in "Grease" with you.
538
00:17:26,989 --> 00:17:28,490
Oh, that's sweet.
539
00:17:28,491 --> 00:17:30,700
Are you still acting?
- Oh, no.
540
00:17:30,701 --> 00:17:32,244
I do marketing for
a local theater now,
541
00:17:32,245 --> 00:17:34,371
which is nice, 'cause
the hours are flexible,
542
00:17:34,372 --> 00:17:35,789
but it's still creative.
543
00:17:35,790 --> 00:17:38,333
God, this must sound
so small time to you.
544
00:17:38,334 --> 00:17:41,044
No. Please, you
are not small time.
545
00:17:41,045 --> 00:17:42,838
Yes, she is. She
is small, I am big.
546
00:17:42,839 --> 00:17:45,215
And, hey. I'm so
happy you're out now.
547
00:17:45,216 --> 00:17:48,051
I had no idea you were
closeted in school.
548
00:17:48,052 --> 00:17:49,219
It must have been so hard.
549
00:17:49,220 --> 00:17:51,972
No, no. And now, I'm winning.
550
00:17:51,973 --> 00:17:53,850
So let's go back
to how I'm winning.
551
00:17:57,478 --> 00:17:58,562
- Hi.
- Hey.
552
00:17:58,563 --> 00:17:59,563
Wow.
553
00:17:59,564 --> 00:18:00,730
Hey, Owen?
554
00:18:00,731 --> 00:18:02,232
So cool you're here.
555
00:18:02,233 --> 00:18:03,400
Great to see you.
556
00:18:03,401 --> 00:18:04,901
Yeah. I wasn't gonna come,
557
00:18:04,902 --> 00:18:07,737
but I just got some insane news.
558
00:18:07,738 --> 00:18:09,739
- What?
- I'm gonna be...
559
00:18:09,740 --> 00:18:11,908
an understudy on Broadway.
560
00:18:11,909 --> 00:18:14,244
Wow. That's so cool.
561
00:18:14,245 --> 00:18:15,787
You should talk to Cary Dubek
562
00:18:15,788 --> 00:18:17,247
since you guys are, like,
in the same industry.
563
00:18:17,248 --> 00:18:18,915
Hey, yo, Dubes.
564
00:18:18,916 --> 00:18:21,084
Wait. You came? Fuck!
565
00:18:21,085 --> 00:18:22,919
I can't be the second
most successful gay
566
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:25,922
at this reunion.
That's fucking nothing.
567
00:18:25,923 --> 00:18:28,466
No. Gosh.
568
00:18:28,467 --> 00:18:30,927
We're
having a great time.
569
00:18:30,928 --> 00:18:32,095
Jesus.
570
00:18:32,096 --> 00:18:34,014
This is the best
night of my life.
571
00:18:34,015 --> 00:18:36,766
I may need to sing again.
572
00:18:36,767 --> 00:18:38,310
Shit. But we already announced
573
00:18:38,311 --> 00:18:41,646
their company's $100-million
donation on air.
574
00:18:41,647 --> 00:18:43,398
But that was before the
company CEO found out
575
00:18:43,399 --> 00:18:45,108
there was a gay
person on the show.
576
00:18:45,109 --> 00:18:47,152
And he's crazy
conservative, and he says
577
00:18:47,153 --> 00:18:49,404
that if we let
Ben Platt perform,
578
00:18:49,405 --> 00:18:51,114
he'll take their money back.
579
00:18:51,115 --> 00:18:52,741
I'm so sorry.
- Well, thank you.
580
00:18:52,742 --> 00:18:54,492
Where are you going?
- Fuck.
581
00:18:54,493 --> 00:18:55,827
Doing good is impossible.
582
00:18:55,828 --> 00:18:57,996
No wonder I didn't
do it for 35 years.
583
00:18:57,997 --> 00:18:59,331
Okay, so what do we do?
584
00:18:59,332 --> 00:19:01,249
Let me just try
and go talk to him.
585
00:19:01,250 --> 00:19:02,417
Right.
586
00:19:02,418 --> 00:19:04,586
I mean, listen, I hate gays too.
587
00:19:04,587 --> 00:19:06,171
Penises in butts?
588
00:19:06,172 --> 00:19:08,256
How and why, sir?
589
00:19:08,257 --> 00:19:09,841
They're the ones who
are mentally ill.
590
00:19:09,842 --> 00:19:11,259
Am I right?
591
00:19:11,260 --> 00:19:13,762
It's just that Ben's
already here, you know,
592
00:19:13,763 --> 00:19:18,600
so let's just... let
him do his little song.
593
00:19:18,601 --> 00:19:21,811
Sorry. But I won't
budge on this.
594
00:19:21,812 --> 00:19:23,313
I mean, can you believe it?
595
00:19:23,314 --> 00:19:25,690
He will take his money
back if you perform.
596
00:19:25,691 --> 00:19:27,651
Jesus. That is so shitty.
597
00:19:27,652 --> 00:19:28,568
I know.
598
00:19:28,569 --> 00:19:32,822
So obviously, you...
599
00:19:32,823 --> 00:19:34,824
Are going out there,
more determined than ever
600
00:19:34,825 --> 00:19:36,160
to not be silenced.
601
00:19:37,703 --> 00:19:40,330
Yas, queen.
602
00:19:40,331 --> 00:19:42,707
Fucking gay people. Fuck.
603
00:19:42,708 --> 00:19:45,001
Okay, I know. What
if we chloroform him?
604
00:19:45,002 --> 00:19:47,170
No. Let's just game this out.
605
00:19:47,171 --> 00:19:49,005
- All right.
- We can't tell Ben to leave,
606
00:19:49,006 --> 00:19:50,382
'cause that would look bad.
- Yeah.
607
00:19:50,383 --> 00:19:51,925
Plus, mental health does affect
608
00:19:51,926 --> 00:19:53,426
the LGBTQ community,
609
00:19:53,427 --> 00:19:55,470
so it is good to have
a gay person on this.
610
00:19:55,471 --> 00:19:57,263
Representation is worth so much.
611
00:19:57,264 --> 00:19:58,974
But is it worth $100 million?
612
00:19:58,975 --> 00:20:01,810
- I don't know.
- Like, if it was 5 or 10...
613
00:20:01,811 --> 00:20:03,561
- Brooke, hey.
- Hi.
614
00:20:03,562 --> 00:20:05,689
I had an idea. What
if we do a thing
615
00:20:05,690 --> 00:20:07,440
where, every time someone
buys my last album,
616
00:20:07,441 --> 00:20:08,858
they get a month
of free therapy?
617
00:20:08,859 --> 00:20:10,902
What? Absolutely
not. That's gross.
618
00:20:10,903 --> 00:20:13,238
But we just said if people
tweet about this show,
619
00:20:13,239 --> 00:20:14,739
they get a month of therapy.
What's the difference?
620
00:20:14,740 --> 00:20:16,533
Well, Bud, you'd be doing it
621
00:20:16,534 --> 00:20:18,618
to help album
sales, which is bad.
622
00:20:18,619 --> 00:20:21,079
But I'm doing it to
help promote this show
623
00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:24,040
that helps the whole
world, which is good.
624
00:20:24,041 --> 00:20:25,291
So...
625
00:20:25,292 --> 00:20:26,334
No, yeah.
626
00:20:26,335 --> 00:20:27,544
Yeah, right.
627
00:20:27,545 --> 00:20:29,713
Sorry for asking.
628
00:20:29,714 --> 00:20:30,755
Okay.
629
00:20:30,756 --> 00:20:32,298
I know what we're gonna do.
630
00:20:32,299 --> 00:20:33,591
We're gonna accidentally
lock Ben Platt
631
00:20:33,592 --> 00:20:35,093
in the broom closet, too.
632
00:20:35,094 --> 00:20:36,553
Okay.
633
00:20:36,554 --> 00:20:38,304
Yeah, I mean, I've had
an agent for a while,
634
00:20:38,305 --> 00:20:40,640
but now I have a
lawyer and a manager.
635
00:20:40,641 --> 00:20:42,642
That is so crazy.
636
00:20:42,643 --> 00:20:44,394
I have none of that.
637
00:20:44,395 --> 00:20:45,687
♪ It's happening ♪
638
00:20:45,688 --> 00:20:47,188
♪ Look how they fawn ♪
639
00:20:47,189 --> 00:20:49,482
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
640
00:20:49,483 --> 00:20:51,735
- Wow.
- Yeah, we shoot in Croatia,
641
00:20:51,736 --> 00:20:54,529
but luckily, they
have to fly me first.
642
00:20:54,530 --> 00:20:55,905
Lucky.
643
00:20:55,906 --> 00:20:57,407
We did a friend trip
to Hawaii last year,
644
00:20:57,408 --> 00:20:59,242
and we were in the
very last row of coach.
645
00:20:59,243 --> 00:21:00,368
Aw.
646
00:21:00,369 --> 00:21:02,037
♪ It's happening ♪
647
00:21:02,038 --> 00:21:03,455
♪ I am their god ♪
648
00:21:03,456 --> 00:21:05,498
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
649
00:21:05,499 --> 00:21:08,168
Hey, would you mind
FaceTiming my brother-in-law?
650
00:21:08,169 --> 00:21:10,003
He's a huge fan.
651
00:21:10,004 --> 00:21:11,755
My brother-in-law's also a fan.
652
00:21:11,756 --> 00:21:13,423
Girls, girls, there
is plenty of me
653
00:21:13,424 --> 00:21:16,176
for every brother-in-law.
654
00:21:16,177 --> 00:21:18,219
♪ Their lives were
empty before I came ♪
655
00:21:18,220 --> 00:21:21,514
♪ 'Cause they're just
people, but I have fame ♪
656
00:21:21,515 --> 00:21:23,600
Aw.
- Already?
657
00:21:23,601 --> 00:21:25,268
But I guess I do need
to relieve the sitter.
658
00:21:25,269 --> 00:21:26,770
And what time is
soccer tomorrow?
659
00:21:26,771 --> 00:21:28,271
- Drinks on Thursday, right?
- Love you.
660
00:21:28,272 --> 00:21:30,273
♪ They'll never forget
this epic night ♪
661
00:21:30,274 --> 00:21:31,775
It was so great seeing you.
662
00:21:31,776 --> 00:21:34,611
♪ I hope when I leave,
they will be all right ♪
663
00:21:34,612 --> 00:21:36,362
I think we can all safely say,
664
00:21:36,363 --> 00:21:38,114
you won this reunion, bro.
665
00:21:38,115 --> 00:21:39,949
♪ Tonight was just
how I hoped it'd be ♪
666
00:21:39,950 --> 00:21:42,118
♪ Add this to the list
of successes for me ♪
667
00:21:42,119 --> 00:21:50,119
♪ The gay has come home ♪
668
00:21:50,669 --> 00:21:57,802
♪ And won the night ♪
669
00:21:58,803 --> 00:21:59,887
Ha!
670
00:22:33,337 --> 00:22:35,756
Let's see.
671
00:22:38,551 --> 00:22:40,510
That's why we call it
wine o'clock Zumba.
672
00:22:40,511 --> 00:22:43,346
- Food's here from Pat's fave.
- Yum-yum!
673
00:22:43,347 --> 00:22:45,974
I have been dreaming
about El Pancho Taqueria.
674
00:22:45,975 --> 00:22:49,561
That's 'cause nobody does
Mexican like Tony and Mike.
675
00:22:49,562 --> 00:22:52,438
Anyway, you have to come
back next summer, too,
676
00:22:52,439 --> 00:22:54,023
so you can pontoon.
677
00:22:54,024 --> 00:22:57,193
Oh, 100%. I will
be on that pontoon.
678
00:22:57,194 --> 00:22:59,195
We thought it was gonna
be a hassle having one.
679
00:22:59,196 --> 00:23:00,864
You know, taking it
out in the winter.
680
00:23:00,865 --> 00:23:03,575
But you just pay one fee,
and the marina does it all.
681
00:23:03,576 --> 00:23:05,368
- Love that.
- But if you do go, Pat,
682
00:23:05,369 --> 00:23:08,997
do not let Robin pull
you on that tube.
683
00:23:08,998 --> 00:23:12,375
She nearly broke my
neck she went so fast.
684
00:23:12,376 --> 00:23:14,461
You just had one too
many Kim Crawfords.
685
00:23:14,462 --> 00:23:16,087
Uh, it was the weekend.
686
00:23:16,088 --> 00:23:18,923
There's no such thing
as one too many Kim Cs.
687
00:23:18,924 --> 00:23:21,050
I'm on her side.
688
00:23:21,051 --> 00:23:23,720
And speaking of,
I just wanna say,
689
00:23:23,721 --> 00:23:25,805
thank you so much
for having me back.
690
00:23:25,806 --> 00:23:28,099
This has truly been
the perfect day.
691
00:23:28,100 --> 00:23:29,726
Melanie, let the COVID lady out.
692
00:23:29,727 --> 00:23:31,227
We need the closet
for Ben Platt.
693
00:23:31,228 --> 00:23:32,562
Wait. What?
694
00:23:32,563 --> 00:23:33,938
Okay.
695
00:23:33,939 --> 00:23:36,232
Hi, ma'am. I am so
sorry about the mix-up.
696
00:23:36,233 --> 00:23:38,484
We... wait. Where did she go?
697
00:23:38,485 --> 00:23:40,403
Oh, my God.
698
00:23:40,404 --> 00:23:42,071
I think she escaped
through the vents.
699
00:23:42,072 --> 00:23:44,407
What? There's a
lady in the vents
700
00:23:44,408 --> 00:23:46,242
on my "Night of
Undeniable Good"?
701
00:23:46,243 --> 00:23:48,161
It absolutely appears so.
702
00:23:48,162 --> 00:23:49,329
Ugh!
703
00:23:49,330 --> 00:23:50,788
So if we can't throw
Ben in a closet,
704
00:23:50,789 --> 00:23:52,081
how else are we
gonna distract him
705
00:23:52,082 --> 00:23:53,583
so he misses his performance?
706
00:23:53,584 --> 00:23:55,501
Well, I know you're
gonna be mad, but...
707
00:23:55,502 --> 00:23:56,920
Streeter, no chloroform.
708
00:23:56,921 --> 00:23:58,087
Now think.
709
00:23:58,088 --> 00:24:00,298
How else can we
distract a gay man?
710
00:24:00,299 --> 00:24:01,257
Oh, my God.
711
00:24:01,258 --> 00:24:03,801
Brooke, I'm a daddy.
712
00:24:07,848 --> 00:24:09,307
Hey, twink.
- Excuse me?
713
00:24:09,308 --> 00:24:10,934
What do you say we blow
off this fundraiser
714
00:24:10,935 --> 00:24:13,436
and I go...
715
00:24:13,437 --> 00:24:16,439
step on your bones,
or break your neck?
716
00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:17,774
Or is it legs?
717
00:24:17,775 --> 00:24:19,150
I'm going to... I'm going to...
718
00:24:19,151 --> 00:24:21,736
I will break any
bone in your body
719
00:24:21,737 --> 00:24:23,447
that you want me to break.
720
00:24:24,907 --> 00:24:27,325
Well, Ben Platt filed a
sexual harassment complaint
721
00:24:27,326 --> 00:24:29,953
against you, so I guess I
have to fire you now, too?
722
00:24:29,954 --> 00:24:31,788
Okay, but this is great.
723
00:24:31,789 --> 00:24:34,290
This means he isn't gay, or
he would have loved that.
724
00:24:34,291 --> 00:24:36,417
- Oh, just go.
- Brooke!
725
00:24:36,418 --> 00:24:39,295
Sorry, but Ben's
on in 15 minutes.
726
00:24:39,296 --> 00:24:40,588
Fuck.
727
00:24:40,589 --> 00:24:42,799
I can't lose $100 million.
728
00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:44,218
I know.
729
00:24:47,388 --> 00:24:50,473
Maybe Streeter was right?
730
00:24:50,474 --> 00:24:54,561
Maybe we do chloroform him?
731
00:24:56,897 --> 00:25:00,734
I actually saw some
in the broom closet.
732
00:25:12,830 --> 00:25:14,706
Refinance today,
and your new loan
733
00:25:14,707 --> 00:25:16,666
could save you
hundreds of dollars.
734
00:25:16,667 --> 00:25:18,751
And get one of our certified
pre-owns at Akron Auto World,
735
00:25:18,752 --> 00:25:20,795
home of the most enormous
American flag you've
736
00:25:20,796 --> 00:25:22,506
ever seen in your goddamn...
737
00:25:25,843 --> 00:25:28,220
Where is the turnoff?
738
00:26:11,722 --> 00:26:14,265
What the fuck? Did I
just miss the turnoff?
739
00:26:14,266 --> 00:26:16,810
And why does it smell
like full piss in here?
740
00:26:18,354 --> 00:26:19,896
- Okay, but like...
- Uh-huh.
741
00:26:19,897 --> 00:26:21,731
It's good that we're
chloroforming Ben Pratt,
742
00:26:21,732 --> 00:26:23,608
because this money can
help a lot of people.
743
00:26:23,609 --> 00:26:26,194
And he said he was
tired when he got here,
744
00:26:26,195 --> 00:26:28,446
so he'll just think he
slept through his song.
745
00:26:28,447 --> 00:26:30,323
Plus, I already have
the "Hamilton" cast
746
00:26:30,324 --> 00:26:31,824
ready to go on instead.
747
00:26:31,825 --> 00:26:32,992
They're gonna sing "The
Room Where It Happens,"
748
00:26:32,993 --> 00:26:34,118
but in this version,
749
00:26:34,119 --> 00:26:35,745
the room is a
therapist's office.
750
00:26:35,746 --> 00:26:36,788
Ew.
751
00:26:36,789 --> 00:26:37,872
Maybe it's worth $100 million
752
00:26:37,873 --> 00:26:39,123
to not hear that.
753
00:26:39,124 --> 00:26:41,042
Also, like, what if
we kill Ben Platt?
754
00:26:41,043 --> 00:26:43,461
Oh, my God. We're not
gonna kill Ben Platt.
755
00:26:43,462 --> 00:26:44,963
Just focus.
756
00:26:45,964 --> 00:26:47,716
We are doing this for good.
757
00:26:49,093 --> 00:26:51,469
But if you ever say
anything about the good
758
00:26:51,470 --> 00:26:54,806
that we did here,
I will end you.
759
00:26:54,807 --> 00:26:56,516
Okay, fine.
760
00:26:56,517 --> 00:26:57,768
Let's do this.
761
00:27:01,814 --> 00:27:03,523
Hi.
762
00:27:03,524 --> 00:27:04,941
Hey. What's up?
763
00:27:04,942 --> 00:27:06,275
Do you think that...
764
00:27:06,276 --> 00:27:08,778
Just stay there, because...
765
00:27:08,779 --> 00:27:10,363
We just wanna...
766
00:27:12,991 --> 00:27:14,409
- Oh, my...
- Oh, my God!
767
00:27:14,410 --> 00:27:16,869
Jesus Christ. Are you okay?
768
00:27:16,870 --> 00:27:18,204
- Oh.
- Hey, girl,
769
00:27:18,205 --> 00:27:20,706
aw, we just sent the
maintenance man up.
770
00:27:20,707 --> 00:27:21,999
Who the fuck is this?
771
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:24,293
Oh, are you Ben Platt?
772
00:27:24,294 --> 00:27:26,462
Yes.
773
00:27:26,463 --> 00:27:28,840
Well, you have COVID and
need to leave immediately.
774
00:27:28,841 --> 00:27:30,633
- I... what?
- Wait, what?
775
00:27:30,634 --> 00:27:32,844
- Yeah.
- Yes!
776
00:27:32,845 --> 00:27:34,554
I mean, no.
777
00:27:34,555 --> 00:27:35,555
He does?
778
00:27:35,556 --> 00:27:36,973
Oh, so he can't perform?
779
00:27:36,974 --> 00:27:38,641
He can't perform,
and it's his fault.
780
00:27:38,642 --> 00:27:40,268
Fuck. This sucks.
781
00:27:40,269 --> 00:27:42,186
I feel like I'm letting the
whole gay community down.
782
00:27:42,187 --> 00:27:43,604
You are.
783
00:27:43,605 --> 00:27:45,815
You are letting them down.
784
00:27:45,816 --> 00:27:49,360
Melanie, girl, we
fucking did it.
785
00:27:49,361 --> 00:27:50,486
Fuck!
786
00:27:50,487 --> 00:27:51,780
Okay.
787
00:27:55,742 --> 00:27:57,243
Hi, can I use your
bathroom, please?
788
00:27:57,244 --> 00:27:58,703
- It's out of order.
- That's okay.
789
00:27:58,704 --> 00:28:00,831
I just need the bathroom room.
790
00:28:02,291 --> 00:28:04,917
Why do you need
the bathroom room?
791
00:28:04,918 --> 00:28:06,335
'Cause I'm wearing
a fucking diaper,
792
00:28:06,336 --> 00:28:07,753
and I need to take it off.
793
00:28:07,754 --> 00:28:09,213
Yep. I've been
sitting in my own piss
794
00:28:09,214 --> 00:28:11,174
for the last six
hours, so may I please
795
00:28:11,175 --> 00:28:12,675
just use your bathroom room
796
00:28:12,676 --> 00:28:14,970
so I can take off
my diaper, kind sir?
797
00:28:17,014 --> 00:28:18,514
Sounds like you had
a pretty rough night.
798
00:28:18,515 --> 00:28:19,849
It's actually one
of the best nights
799
00:28:19,850 --> 00:28:21,018
of my entire life.
800
00:28:44,416 --> 00:28:45,709
Ugh.
801
00:28:47,252 --> 00:28:48,504
God.
802
00:29:11,944 --> 00:29:14,321
What? Is there no
service in here?
803
00:29:20,827 --> 00:29:22,454
Fuck.
804
00:29:29,169 --> 00:29:33,339
Come on.
805
00:29:33,340 --> 00:29:34,591
Fuck.
806
00:29:36,552 --> 00:29:38,679
What the fucking fuck?
807
00:29:40,347 --> 00:29:42,765
Well, this night sucked my ass.
808
00:29:42,766 --> 00:29:45,643
Yeah. That was 100%
cuckoo bananas.
809
00:29:45,644 --> 00:29:48,187
Oh, yeah, please don't
say "cuckoo bananas."
810
00:29:48,188 --> 00:29:49,438
Just kidding. Have
a great night.
811
00:29:49,439 --> 00:29:50,606
Okay.
812
00:29:50,607 --> 00:29:52,108
Oh! Watch where you're going,
813
00:29:52,109 --> 00:29:53,276
you fucking psycho.
814
00:29:53,277 --> 00:29:54,694
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, but hey,
815
00:29:54,695 --> 00:29:55,987
this might cheer you up.
816
00:29:55,988 --> 00:29:57,446
Chase's album is
number one on iTunes.
817
00:29:57,447 --> 00:29:58,614
Wait. What?
818
00:29:58,615 --> 00:30:00,074
What do you mean?
- Yeah.
819
00:30:00,075 --> 00:30:01,617
He tweeted he'd give a
free month of therapy
820
00:30:01,618 --> 00:30:03,119
to anyone who bought
his last album,
821
00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:04,579
and this whole country is sick,
822
00:30:04,580 --> 00:30:06,455
so it went straight
to number one.
823
00:30:06,456 --> 00:30:08,040
Kind of smart. Well...
824
00:30:08,041 --> 00:30:09,458
Wait. No.
825
00:30:09,459 --> 00:30:11,627
I specifically told
him not to do that,
826
00:30:11,628 --> 00:30:14,422
and he just did anyway? Fuck.
827
00:30:14,423 --> 00:30:17,091
The whole reason we pivoted
him to mental health
828
00:30:17,092 --> 00:30:19,635
was so that people wouldn't
think he was bad anymore.
829
00:30:19,636 --> 00:30:21,804
But then he does
this shit thing?
830
00:30:21,805 --> 00:30:23,055
Ugh!
831
00:30:23,056 --> 00:30:26,726
Why is it so hard to do good?
832
00:30:26,727 --> 00:30:28,686
Okay, if you do think that,
833
00:30:28,687 --> 00:30:32,148
I wouldn't look
behind you right now.
834
00:30:39,698 --> 00:30:43,285
What in the actual fuck?
835
00:30:48,707 --> 00:30:49,749
Hi.
836
00:30:49,750 --> 00:30:51,000
Can I use your bathroom, please?
837
00:30:51,001 --> 00:30:52,543
Another one?
838
00:30:52,544 --> 00:30:54,503
Right. Totally forgot.
839
00:30:54,504 --> 00:30:56,047
It's reunion season.
840
00:30:56,048 --> 00:30:59,175
There's actually another
diaper guy in there now, but...
841
00:30:59,176 --> 00:31:00,844
We should probably check on him.
842
00:31:01,720 --> 00:31:02,678
How are you doing?
843
00:31:02,679 --> 00:31:05,389
My own piss in my eyes.
844
00:31:05,390 --> 00:31:06,975
Oh, god.
845
00:31:08,727 --> 00:31:10,811
I can...
846
00:31:10,812 --> 00:31:12,272
I can take it from here.
847
00:31:15,067 --> 00:31:17,818
I don't know. I
don't... I'm lost.
848
00:31:17,819 --> 00:31:21,155
I'm, like, fucking lost.
849
00:31:21,156 --> 00:31:23,324
Yeah, no. I'm lost too.
850
00:31:23,325 --> 00:31:26,160
No. I think I'm,
like, lost lost.
851
00:31:26,161 --> 00:31:27,953
Like, I just had
this great night,
852
00:31:27,954 --> 00:31:33,542
and immediately, I don't know,
left and just felt unhappy...
853
00:31:33,543 --> 00:31:35,461
Or, like, not happy,
854
00:31:35,462 --> 00:31:37,088
and I don't know why.
855
00:31:37,089 --> 00:31:38,381
Like, I am the star
856
00:31:38,382 --> 00:31:39,632
of the number-one
show on Netflix
857
00:31:39,633 --> 00:31:41,175
without puppies shopping.
858
00:31:41,176 --> 00:31:44,887
So why do I feel like
I'm about to fucking cry?
859
00:31:44,888 --> 00:31:47,390
I feel lost lost, too,
860
00:31:47,391 --> 00:31:50,267
which is insane, 'cause I
have Kamala's phone number.
861
00:31:50,268 --> 00:31:53,646
Like, if I called her
now, she'd answer.
862
00:31:53,647 --> 00:31:56,399
It's just like I have
everything I ever wanted.
863
00:31:56,400 --> 00:31:58,150
So what am I missing?
864
00:31:58,151 --> 00:32:00,361
Like what else am I looking for?
865
00:32:03,657 --> 00:32:08,577
Oh, one of my classmates is
videoing me on Instagram.
866
00:32:08,578 --> 00:32:10,454
So weird.
867
00:32:10,455 --> 00:32:14,083
One of my classmates
is videoing me, too.
868
00:32:14,084 --> 00:32:15,334
Hello?
- Hello.
869
00:32:15,335 --> 00:32:16,585
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
870
00:32:16,586 --> 00:32:17,670
He picked up. Shut up.
871
00:32:17,671 --> 00:32:18,671
Hi. It's Alicia.
872
00:32:18,672 --> 00:32:20,005
Sorry.
873
00:32:20,006 --> 00:32:21,424
I don't mean to be
a full stalker...
874
00:32:21,425 --> 00:32:22,508
Yes, we do.
875
00:32:22,509 --> 00:32:23,509
We were just talking
876
00:32:23,510 --> 00:32:25,052
about how you won
877
00:32:25,053 --> 00:32:26,595
"most likely to win
an Academy Award."
878
00:32:26,596 --> 00:32:27,763
So we got out Jesse's yearbook,
879
00:32:27,764 --> 00:32:29,306
and guess what I won.
880
00:32:29,307 --> 00:32:30,766
- Wait for it.
- "Most likely to win
881
00:32:30,767 --> 00:32:32,768
an Academy Award
for Best Actress."
882
00:32:34,312 --> 00:32:36,439
So you should feel really
good about yourself
883
00:32:36,440 --> 00:32:38,482
because I'm a literal
dog walker now.
884
00:32:38,483 --> 00:32:40,651
- Thank you.
- Wait.
885
00:32:40,652 --> 00:32:41,902
Cary, what are you doing now?
886
00:32:41,903 --> 00:32:42,945
Want to come hang?
887
00:32:42,946 --> 00:32:44,447
I mean, I'm sure, no,
888
00:32:44,448 --> 00:32:46,073
'cause you're fully famous
889
00:32:46,074 --> 00:32:47,450
and we're just, like,
watching "Survivor."
890
00:32:47,451 --> 00:32:48,784
Oh, I thought only gay people
891
00:32:48,785 --> 00:32:50,161
watched "Survivor" now.
- What?
892
00:32:50,162 --> 00:32:51,662
I think everyone does.
893
00:32:51,663 --> 00:32:53,664
Anyway, it's just
a cazh friend hang,
894
00:32:53,665 --> 00:32:55,750
if you want to come.
- Yes, come!
895
00:32:55,751 --> 00:32:57,418
- Come on, Dubes.
- Max, Max, Max.
896
00:32:57,419 --> 00:32:59,378
You gotta come.
It's a friend hang.
897
00:32:59,379 --> 00:33:00,629
Okay, no, let's let him go.
898
00:33:00,630 --> 00:33:01,672
But come if you want.
899
00:33:01,673 --> 00:33:03,340
I'll DM you the address.
900
00:33:03,341 --> 00:33:05,259
Okay. Great. Great.
901
00:33:05,260 --> 00:33:06,970
I appreciate it.
902
00:33:09,890 --> 00:33:13,685
God, it's so obvious
what I've been missing.
903
00:33:14,770 --> 00:33:16,938
It's so clear what I need.
904
00:33:18,398 --> 00:33:22,651
Hey, would you want to
get a drink as frien...
905
00:33:22,652 --> 00:33:23,986
Wait, what?
906
00:33:23,987 --> 00:33:25,404
Mackenzie,
907
00:33:25,405 --> 00:33:27,490
I need to win the Academy Award
908
00:33:27,491 --> 00:33:29,867
for Best Actor in
a Motion Picture.
909
00:33:35,540 --> 00:33:36,665
Good night, Pat.
910
00:33:36,666 --> 00:33:38,293
Good night, Lisa.
911
00:33:52,182 --> 00:33:54,934
Wazzup?
912
00:33:54,935 --> 00:33:56,352
I'm not here. Leave a message
913
00:33:56,353 --> 00:34:00,648
after the beep.
914
00:34:00,649 --> 00:34:03,943
Hey, I tried calling you,
but you didn't pick up.
915
00:34:03,944 --> 00:34:07,029
And I just wanted to let
you know about my day.
916
00:34:07,030 --> 00:34:08,989
My friend picked me
up from the airport,
917
00:34:08,990 --> 00:34:10,783
and we went shopping
918
00:34:10,784 --> 00:34:14,912
and then got ice cream and
fed the ducks in the park,
919
00:34:14,913 --> 00:34:16,914
then went back to her
house and ordered dinner
920
00:34:16,915 --> 00:34:19,542
with some other friends.
921
00:34:19,543 --> 00:34:21,794
And the whole time,
the whole day,
922
00:34:21,795 --> 00:34:24,171
I just kept thinking,
923
00:34:24,172 --> 00:34:26,924
"I am so fucking bored."
924
00:34:29,010 --> 00:34:33,264
I just... I was so excited
to come back, but I...
925
00:34:33,265 --> 00:34:36,767
I hated every minute of it.
926
00:34:36,768 --> 00:34:39,228
Everything we did, I
thought, "How much longer
927
00:34:39,229 --> 00:34:40,604
do I have to do this for?"
928
00:34:40,605 --> 00:34:42,314
All afternoon, if you want.
929
00:34:42,315 --> 00:34:45,568
We walked through town,
and I found it small.
930
00:34:45,569 --> 00:34:46,944
We bought clothes
I used to wear,
931
00:34:46,945 --> 00:34:48,904
and I felt foolish in them.
932
00:34:48,905 --> 00:34:51,115
- Pat's fave.
- And everything we ate
933
00:34:51,116 --> 00:34:52,575
was so awful.
934
00:34:52,576 --> 00:34:53,909
I was embarrassed to be putting
935
00:34:53,910 --> 00:34:56,328
food like that in my mouth.
936
00:34:56,329 --> 00:34:59,540
And the houses were so ugly.
937
00:34:59,541 --> 00:35:01,000
These people should be in jail
938
00:35:01,001 --> 00:35:02,418
for what their houses look like.
939
00:35:02,419 --> 00:35:03,961
I wish my kitchen
was bee-themed.
940
00:35:03,962 --> 00:35:05,421
I just... I kept thinking,
941
00:35:05,422 --> 00:35:07,006
"Thank God I don't
think this shit
942
00:35:07,007 --> 00:35:09,967
looks good still." I
wanna take a picture.
943
00:35:09,968 --> 00:35:11,468
Eventually, the day was so long,
944
00:35:11,469 --> 00:35:13,178
I started to get physically mad
945
00:35:13,179 --> 00:35:14,430
it was still happening
946
00:35:14,431 --> 00:35:15,848
because the conversations
947
00:35:15,849 --> 00:35:17,266
were so mind-numbing.
948
00:35:17,267 --> 00:35:18,642
And the marina does it all.
949
00:35:18,643 --> 00:35:20,352
And the jokes weren't funny.
950
00:35:20,353 --> 00:35:22,479
One too many Kim Cs.
951
00:35:22,480 --> 00:35:24,773
I just... I was with my friends,
952
00:35:24,774 --> 00:35:26,192
but I wasn't.
953
00:35:26,193 --> 00:35:29,236
I was outside them
954
00:35:29,237 --> 00:35:31,530
because they were the same,
955
00:35:31,531 --> 00:35:34,116
and I was different.
956
00:35:34,117 --> 00:35:35,743
I am different.
957
00:35:35,744 --> 00:35:37,119
And I just...
958
00:35:37,120 --> 00:35:39,955
I don't think I can
come here again...
959
00:35:39,956 --> 00:35:42,000
Not ever again.
960
00:35:44,044 --> 00:35:46,629
Anyway, this is a lot of texts,
961
00:35:46,630 --> 00:35:48,297
and I know we're not
together anymore,
962
00:35:48,298 --> 00:35:50,507
but I just wanted to say hi
963
00:35:50,508 --> 00:35:54,470
and that I miss
you... and your dick.
964
00:35:54,471 --> 00:35:57,807
God, I miss your big, fat dick.
965
00:36:00,727 --> 00:36:03,354
Oh, my God. Those
were all tweets again.
966
00:36:03,355 --> 00:36:04,480
Delete, delete, delete.
967
00:36:06,191 --> 00:36:08,150
♪ The gays are
racing home tonight ♪
968
00:36:08,151 --> 00:36:09,985
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
969
00:36:09,986 --> 00:36:12,196
♪ Our reunions we
will crush tonight ♪
970
00:36:12,197 --> 00:36:14,073
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
971
00:36:14,074 --> 00:36:16,408
♪ No one will be more
successful than we ♪
972
00:36:16,409 --> 00:36:18,410
♪ Or understand Kamala
better than he ♪
973
00:36:18,411 --> 00:36:23,040
♪ 'Cause we are gay
and coming to win the night ♪
974
00:36:23,041 --> 00:36:24,583
Oh, look, a third gay.
975
00:36:24,584 --> 00:36:26,710
♪ At Netflix I run comedy ♪
976
00:36:26,711 --> 00:36:28,253
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
977
00:36:28,254 --> 00:36:30,506
♪ And at Google,
I'm the new VP ♪
978
00:36:30,507 --> 00:36:32,383
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
979
00:36:32,384 --> 00:36:34,677
♪ And now I am
sitting my own pee ♪
980
00:36:34,678 --> 00:36:36,679
♪ So all of my past
can compliment me ♪
981
00:36:36,680 --> 00:36:41,141
♪ 'Cause we four gays
are coming to win the night ♪
982
00:36:41,142 --> 00:36:42,935
No, but really.
983
00:36:42,936 --> 00:36:45,813
♪ Think of what they'll
say when they see me ♪
984
00:36:45,814 --> 00:36:47,648
♪ See me ♪
985
00:36:47,649 --> 00:36:51,026
♪ All my classmates with
their said little lives ♪
986
00:36:51,027 --> 00:36:55,072
♪ Think of what they'll say,
how they'll swoon and scream ♪
987
00:36:55,073 --> 00:36:58,867
♪ When the
WindWeaver arrives ♪
988
00:36:58,868 --> 00:37:01,161
♪ Us gays have not
been back in years ♪
989
00:37:01,162 --> 00:37:02,913
♪ Like 10, or 12 ♪
990
00:37:02,914 --> 00:37:05,207
♪ 'Cause high school, for
us, was full of tears ♪
991
00:37:05,208 --> 00:37:07,126
♪ So sad, oh, well ♪
992
00:37:07,127 --> 00:37:09,169
♪ But that was the past,
and this is the now ♪
993
00:37:09,170 --> 00:37:10,546
♪ And look at our résumés ♪
994
00:37:10,547 --> 00:37:11,797
♪ Holy shit, wow ♪
995
00:37:11,798 --> 00:37:13,298
♪ The gays are coming ♪
996
00:37:13,299 --> 00:37:17,469
♪ The gays are coming ♪
997
00:37:17,470 --> 00:37:19,305
♪ Home to win the night ♪70287
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof