Original subtitles

The name is Mark Twain.

That's not quite right, actually, I was born with the name

Samuel Langhorne Clemens.

I came back to see how things are going.

There's nothing I like better than a good cigar.

Well, maybe one or two things.

Like, uh, like a good story maybe.

And I wrote a few back in my day, that's for sure.

Some of which you might have heard of.

Huckleberry Finn or Tom Sawyer.

Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court.

Life on the Mississippi. And a few others besides.

In fact, that's what you're gonna see here,

is dramatic presentations of some of my stories.

Some of which you might have heard of and some, maybe not.

Some of these stories take place right here

along the great Mississippi River.

A couple of them take place over in Europe.

I've been there too.

But, uh, home to me was always Hannibal, Missouri.

Where I grew up with that awful name.

Samuel Langhorne Clemens. Esquire.

That's a terrible name for a writer, ain't it?

Of course, I was a riverboat pilot before I was a writer.

But, it was still a terrible name.

Before that I was in the printing business.

Kind of, uh...

Kinda young at the time, kind of a dreamer.

And kinda like this boy I wrote about in this story...

The Mysterious Stranger.

♪ ♪

Boy, take this to Mr. Stein right away.

Come on! Come on!

MAN: Morning, miss. Pleasant day, isn't it?

KATZENYAMMER: Get to work!

Stupid, blundering idiot!

By hook, if you're not a bigger scoundrel...

Stop hollering then! He didn't mean to do it.

You mind your own business. Who's foreman here, huh?

I don't give a damn who's foreman!

Please, please, we have so much work to do.

What on Earth is the matter? What are you doing?

(STUTTERS) I stumbled, sir.

Stupid idiot!

I don't know what you want to take him on for.

Printing is a job for a man! Not for boys!

All right, all right, I'll take care of it.

What a hothead!

Now, my boy,

if you want to be one of us,

you have to remember that printing is an art.

A noble, ancient art.

We go all the way back to Europe to the middle ages.

The great printer Gutenberg did more than any other man

to make the modern world.

Your Benjamin Franklin use it.

(GIGGLES) Let me tell you.

-When I was back in the old country I always knew... -Mr. Stein, Sir?

Mr. Hoffman's here with your pills.

-Yes, yes. -MAN: All right.

5 o'clock! Time to eat!

Except for you.

MAN: Sit right down, Mr. Stein.

There you go.

(COUGHING)

Tincture, this little bark...

Into some branch water.

One, two, three, four.

No more than four drops, Mr. Stein.

Mighty powerful stuff.

Then,

you take one of these.

Calcimated effluvium.

My own private proprietary.

There you go.

Wash that over and you'll be fit enough to fight snakes.

♪ ♪

STEIN: Now, my boy,

if you want to be one of us, you have to remember that printing is an art.

A noble and ancient art.

We go all the way back to Europe to the middle ages.

The great printer Gutenberg did more than any other man to make the modern world.

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(DOG BARKING)

Oh, Father Julian...

Would you be so good?

(PRAYING IN LATIN)

-Amen. -ALL: Amen.

Fat chance you've got with her. The master's daughter.

FRAU: You there.

Come here.

What's your name?

Feldner, madam, August Feldner.

Oh, yes.

Well, Feldner, you're not at home now, you know.

We expect a certain standard of behavior here.

AUGUST: Yes, madam.

August,

printers once ate in this chamber.

-You should feel privileged. -Yes, Master.

Not many master printers can afford to rent a castle.

You should thank God for your good fortune, not behave like an urchin.

Amen.

Is there a devil in you, boy?

No, sir.

FRAU: You think there maybe, Dr. Hoffman?

It's possible, madam. Very possible.

Nonsense.

He's a boy, that's all.

If the Master says so.

-I do. -FRAU: Oh, but Heinrich...

I won't have such nonsense at my table!

Go and sit down, boy.

And in the future remember your manners.

FRAU: Give this...

...to Felix.

Go on.

Give it to the dog.

FRAU: Dr. Hoffman does not talk nonsense.

Dr. Hoffman is a graduate from Padua, Parma...

Katzenyammer!

-Master. -The bible's for Prague.

What about them?

Say, will be ready by Monday, all 200?

Should be.

So long as we are not interfered with.

You know what's the universities like.

Everything on the dot or the penalty clauses.

I should be ruined.

You'll be all right.

So long as there is no provocation.

Here you are, you naughty boy.

Is that all?

It's all you deserve.

You don't want it?

-Who are you? -Gracious lady...

FRAU: What do you want?

I'm so hungry.

Well, you weren't asked?

So you can just get out.

-Father, may I? -You sit down!

WOMAN: Come with me, child.

There's plenty to eat in the kitchen.

FRAU: Katrina!

Remember your position.

Come on.

Heinrich Stein, are you going to let this menial defy your own wife?

It won't be the first time.

If any of you want the boy, you come and get him, that's all.

August, you come too.

(CAT MEOWING)

Come along then, If you're really so hungry.

FRAU: I don't mind him having something to eat if he's really hungry.

Though I doubt it. I doubt very much.

The boy is a liar. Anyone can see that.

Well, he can fill his belly, then get on his way.

Very philanthropic, mother.

Beyond the call of common charity.

I think, he's after our treasure.

I could see it in his eyes.

You'd better hurry up and find it then, doctor.

You wouldn't want a boy getting it first.

(GIGGLES)

In order to find gold or buried treasure,

Father Julian,

One must be a master at the arts,

of alchemy and necromancy.

He didn't give me the impression of a man of learning.

I thought he seemed very nice. Very humble and gentle.

He looked perfectly all right to me.

MAN: Master, never seen such an obvious villain in my life.

Look in the mirror sometimes.

(GIGGLES)

MAN: A rogue.

The very image of a rogue.

And I say,

he's going.

My goodness! When did you last eat?

Ages ago.

Have you been on the road a long time then?

Seems like it.

Where's your home, lad?

Oh, poor thing.

Well, never mind. You'll be all right here.

There's plenty of room for everyone.

And don't you worry about Frau Stein.

It's the master who counts.

And he's a good man, the master is.

He's just worried about all those bibles he has to deliver.

If the printers would only settle down and get on with the job.

MAN: Tramps should be shown the door,

with the toe of your boot.

MAN: People have to beg for food. They don't deserve it.

All right, enough!

Remember your Christian charity.

The boy is down on his luck, that's all.

It doesn't mean he's wicked.

If he wants shelter, he shall have it.

-Heinrich! -And there is the end of it.

He's a good boy, Master.

Even if he does look like a singed kid.

He's not a beggar for the love of begging.

He wants work. That's all.

ALL: Work?

HEINRICH: Is that true, my boy?

Yes, sir.

Well, what kind of work are you willing to do?

Oh, Heinrich!

BOY: Any kind.

And he don't want pay for it neither.

What, no pay?

What's this?

No remuneration of any kind, boy?

No, sir. Just food and shelter.

But, what about clothes?

He shan't go naked, sir. I'll see to that.

Can you do really hard, rough work?

Oh, yes sir. Yes, I'm very strong sir.

Heinrich Stein if you think you're going to mess with vermin...

Frau Stein, be silent!

Katrina, take him away.

Give him a room. Let him rest.

He can start work tomorrow.

Oh, I'd like to start right away, if I may, sir.

What's your name, lad?

Number 44. New series 8-6-4-9-6-2, sir.

Beg your pardon?

Number 44, sir. New series 8-6-4-9-6-2.

That's a hell of a name.

(MEN LAUGHING)

That's a very strange name, boy.

Where did you get it?

I don't know. I've always had it.

Have you been in jail?

HEINRICH: No, no.

You needn't answer that, my boy.

Unless you want to.

Well.

What shall I do first?

Take the dog for a walk.

MAN: Good idea. HEINRICH: No.

(MEN LAUGHING)

Come on, Felix.

The boy must be enchanted.

You did it.

Oh.

Oh, Dr. Hoffman.

It was nothing.

Nothing at all.

Nothing.

(CHUCKLES)

44: Come on, Felix.

-Felix! -(SCREAMS)

Felix, behave yourself and don't go and bite anyone, all right?

HOFFMAN: Don't be afraid.

It's a little caprice of mine.

My spirit is on the dog.

It can't hurt you.

Oh, Dr. Hoffman.

You are the greatest magician on Earth.

Perhaps.

Perhaps.

44: Felix, you must go and thank the master

for this great favor he has done you.

Oh, Dr. Hoffman.

All right, you.

Get back to work.

Bring us some logs.

At once, Frau Stein.

Ah, there you are. Found enough to do?

Not really.

Well, try this for a size.

Thank you, Katrina.

And these must fit you too.

Oh, and try these.

-Perfect. -Thought so.

Well, off you go now and put them on.

And then come back here. I have plenty of work for you.

FRAU: Good heavens.

Well, now do you think I was wrong to let him stay?

It's got nothing to do with the boy, Heinrich.

Not the boy himself.

It's Dr. Hoffman working through him.

Like the business with Felix.

I hope your Dr. Hoffman isn't dabbling with black magic.

Of course he can do spells,

naturally.

I don't mind science, I approve of science.

Alchemy.

But magic.

We are Christians here and he better not forget it.

Looks like a scab to me, Hans.

KATZENYAMMER: Yes.

A boy who'll do that much in one afternoon.

-We wouldn't want him in the print shop. -We would not.

Don't let me catch any of you making friends with him.

Or else.

No, sir.

I wish he'd work through me.

-Oh, let's see. -Oh.

New clothes huh?

Yes, Katrina made them for me, aren't they nice? Thank you.

Nice and warm, huh?

-Dry. -Yes.

(LAUGHING)

How do your nice little clothes feel now, eh?

-Cold and wet. -Now, what are you going to do about it?

Get more water.

(KNOCK ON THE DOOR)

Come in.

-May I? -Yes, of course. Shut the door.

I...

I was wondering if...

If I could help you to get Dr. Hoffman to do magic

through you the way he does it through me, huh?

-Yes, but how did you... -Oh, I know everything.

Oh, don't blush, August.

-You make me feel ashamed. -Why?

That's a perfectly ordinary human thing to want.

And I don't mind. Not in the least.

-Are you sure? -Perfectly.

In fact, I'm delighted, you've come to see me.

Shall we be friends?

-If you like. -Good.

Then, the first thing you must understand is

Dr. Hoffman doesn't work through me.

I work through him.

It's a bit cramped here. Shall we go somewhere better?

If you...

...like.

44: Pleasant over here, don't you think?

AUGUST: I think I must be...

-Seeing things? -44: But perhaps you'd prefer this.

AUGUST: How did we get here? 44: I brought us.

I think we need some refreshment after a long journey like that.

-Mulled wine suit you? -Wine?

Here, drink it as hard as you can.

Oh, don't be afraid. It's prodigious, honestly.

That's the ticket.

-It's delicious. -Swallow it down then.

As a matter of fact, I think I'll have one myself.

-Here's mud in your eye. -What?

Mud in your eye. English drinking expression.

-Really? -Yes. It will be.

Oh, you're empty. Here, have another.

Here's to us being friends, August.

We're gonna have scandalous good times, you and I.

Mud in your eye.

What a wonderful dream.

Good morning.

Good heavens, I just had the most amazing dream about you.

Well, that wasn't a dream, August.

-What? -It all happened.

We're pals, remember?

Only, you'd better not let on to the others. You'd have a rough time with it.

44, you're amazing.

I'd brave the lot of them if I had any spirit.

Wish I had.

Well, don't reproach yourself, August.

You didn't make yourself. It's not your fault.

Wait, 44.

ERNST: Come on, you lazy beggar...

(STUTTERS)

What are you making faces at me for?

-I don't know. -Huh?

44: Don't waste your time calling him names.

ERNST: Huh?

-He's not worth it. -Huh?

AUGUST: Can you speak to me without speaking?

44: Of course. So can you to me.

AUGUST: And no one can hear us?

44: That's right. AUGUST: Oh, my Lord.

(GROANS)

Oh, you think, you'll find gold here Dr. Hoffman?

It's where it would be thrown in times of danger, madam.

(UTTERING MAGIC SPELL)

(EXCLAIMS)

FRAU: Is it gold? WOMAN: Oh, madam.

Ah, there it is!

Give it to me. Give it to me.

Is this all?

There is more.

(UTTERING MAGIC SPELL)

Thank you.

HEINRICH: 44.

-Sir? -Come here, 44.

It is 44, isn't it?

Oh, yes, sir. New series 8-6-4-9-6-2.

Yes, well, we won't go into that.

-You seem diligent. -Thank you, sir.

A hard and willing worker.

You have had some ill-treatment to put up with these two. I know.

You have not been treated fairly.

-Oh, I've no complaints, sir. -No.

I knew you wouldn't.

Well, I have good news for you, 44.

I've decided to make you an apprentice.

Printing, my boy.

It's the noblest and most pleasant of the arts.

The greatest of the mysteries.

I'm deeply honored, sir. Uh, master.

-He can't do this! -That'll be a dent to our profession.

-A pauper? -It's an outrage!

Silence!

Now, 44, printing is one of the learned professions.

Have you studied Latin?

No, sir.

-Greek? -No, sir.

(GIGGLING)

Hebrew?

-No, sir. -(MEN LAUGHING)

-Mathematics? -No, sir.

Astrology, astronomy?

I'm afraid not, sir.

Have you ever studied anything?

-No, sir. -(LAUGHING)

(SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

I'll teach you.

(BELL RINGS)

If you'd like, I could show you...

Get back to work, Feldner.

But sir, the master said, that I should...

I said get to your case!

AUGUST: I'll tell you what to do like this.

44: Don't worry August. I know what to do.

We'll have a little fun here. Just you watch.

What?

Are you going to fetch me some coins,

or not?

You mean these?

Do you expect me to do it?

AUGUST: That thing he's just bogged up with the coins.

It's called the chase and you're supposed...

44: I know, I know.

You've been an apprentice before?

You worked in a print shop. Huh?

He's a runaway. Must be.

Who'd you run away from, boy?

What I'd like to know is, how come he's an experienced apprentice

and yet, he don't know Latin.

Oh, I do know Latin.

-And you told the master... -Oh, I haven't studied it.

What?

He asked, if I'd studied it.

I haven't. I've just picked it up as I've gone along.

Honest people don't get into this profession by picking things up.

They have to study them.

Binks, try him out.

Put him through his basics.

I'll get you through if I can.

Oh, I can manage. Thanks.

(SPEAKING LATIN)

He knows his numbers, hmm.

Name the cardinal quadruplicities.

(LAUGHS) That's caught him.

The cardinal quadruplicities are Aeries, Cancer, Libra and Capricorn.

(SPEAKING LATIN)

Ask him alchemy.

Yeah.

Yes.

(SPEAKING LATIN)

Silver.

One of the precious metals and generally used ranking next to gold.

It's characterized in it's pure state by its lustrous white color

and great malleability and ductility.

It's chemical symbol is Ag. It occurs native

and in argentine sulfide and silver chloride.

The metal does not oxidize in air,

but quickly tarnishes when exposed to sulpher compounds.

It's melting point is 1763 degrees Fahrenheit and its boiling point

2121 degrees centigrade.

But of course, neither Fahrenheit nor centigrade have been invented yet.

If only your experiments were more successful.

Madam,

it is hard enough to make gold

with all the forces of the supernatural trying to prevent one.

When one is also daily faced with obstruction and hostility

from the human element.

But Heinrich Stein's attitude will change.

As soon as you can show him something positive.

I doubt.

Black magic.

That's what he calls this, isn't it?

I'm afraid, he's not a very cultured man.

I'll tell you what black magic is, Frau Stein.

It's printing.

The superstition of the printed word.

While science,

art,

true scholarship and learning.

But until he sees it with his own eyes.

Calcination.

I must work at the calcination.

(SIGHS)

Meanwhile,

Satan, hark here.

What does that mean?

All this time, and I never realized.

-The dungeon. -The dungeon?

There is treasure in the dungeon.

The dungeon?

Good.

Very good, 44.

Thank you, sir.

Katzenyammer, the boy is doing well.

All right, take it away.

KATZENYAMMER: Now look what you have done!

Can't even walk straight.

-Sorry, sir. -I'll make you sorry.

You will come back after supper

and setup your whole work again.

Katzenyammer, I really don't think it's necessary.

You wouldn't be wanting to interfere with the way

your foreman carries out his job, sir.

No, no.

-But... -Because if you are, sir,

I must tell you, the men have been pretty much provoked, sir, please.

They are not pleased, sir.

Quite so, quite so.

Taking on new apprentices from no one knows where.

With a perfect right to appoint to my will, Katzenyammer.

We have the right to think what we like of who you appoint!

You can setup the pike metal and distribute it

before you start on what you take.

But, it will take him all night.

Master,

you do want those bibles finished on time?

Oh, so sorry. I thought it was a monster.

(MEN LAUGHING)

FRAU: Dr. Hoffman?

Dr. Hoffman?

Have you...

Have you found it?

(HUSHING)

Oh, madam. Please let's go. I can't stand it.

-(EXPLOSION) -(SCREAMING)

From the bowels of the Earth.

For my lady.

What's the matter, father?

The new apprentice.

I wonder if I have been wise.

Oh, yes, father.

But it's not fair, the way the men treat him.

I know.

But there's nothing I can do.

I must have the bibles by Monday.

(MEN LAUGHING LOUDLY)

I'm sorry.

I just can't take the risk of provoking someone.

Poor little lad.

You've done all that already?

Oh, yes. Didn't take long.

-But how... -Wanna see something?

What on Earth is it?

A newspaper.

A what?

Something someone's going to invent in 200 years or so.

ERNST: Katzenyammer!

Katzenyammer!

Help us!

He's done it! The runaway! He's done everything!

KATZENYAMMER: Well,

we're not having this, are we lads?

-No, we ain't. -Binks, take this down.

It's a provocation.

-Aggravated provocation. -I admit.

It's pretty intolerable.

Aggravated...

...and intolerable provocation.

We'll all be out of our job.

-It's irreligious. No doubt about it. -It's against God.

-It's against nature. -It's against the guild rules.

Aggravated, intolerable

and irreligious provocation

against the guild rules.

-We all agree then? -ALL: Agreed.

Strike.

The new apprentice is unendurable.

Intolerable.

And intolerable aggravation.

Provocation.

And we won't go back to work tell you send him away.

I can't.

You know I can't.

He has done nothing wrong. On the contrary, he's...

I'd be expelled from the right and honorable Master Printers guild.

It's up to you, master.

Either he goes or we stay out.

And you won't have your bibles on Monday.

But I'll be ruined easily!

It's up to you which you choose.

We wouldn't want to influence a masters choice, would we lads?

So, if you want us,

we're in the common room.

(GROANS)

Father Julian, you're wanted at once!

(CHOIR SINGING)

Oh, dear Lord! What are we going to do?

Can't you do anything?

Oh, yes, yes.

But the difficulty dear madam is,

the printers are not on strike of their own volition.

-No. -Hear me now.

They are the mere unwitting tools

of three extremely malignant and powerful demons.

Oh.

Old enemies of mine.

Belphegor.

-He's French. -French?

I'm afraid so.

Then there's Haagenti. He's from Italy.

And worst of all, Martnet, from Liechtenstein.

-We are surrounded. -Indeed we are, madam.

Of course, they want their revenge on me.

What did you do to them?

I did battle with them, madam, and prevailed.

At the cost of my life, almost.

It's me they're after. Not the master.

I have reason to believe,

they brought reinforcements this time.

If I could only discover who these other devils are.

I must warn you madam.

I may be forced to invoke the price of darkness.

(GASPS)

It is a grave responsibility you wish me to shoulder, madam.

But, if you insist.

No, no, no. Surely there must be...

There are other methods.

But, they are slower and less sure.

I can't promise any definite results.

FRAU: All the same.

Not the devil himself, Dr. Hoffman.

Definitely not!

Uh...

As you wish.

Uh, now, could I trouble you to ask one of the kitchen staff

to bring me three scruples of human fat?

Of course, Doctor.

Duffles! Get going.

Right away, Madam!

(DOOR SLAMS)

(SIGHING WITH RELIEF)

(GULPING)

If only Doangivadam wasn't off on one of his binges.

He'd know what to do.

Doangivadam? Who's that?

(LAUGHING)

Oh! More beer!

Landlord, where the hell are you? We want more beer!

-I think you've had enough. -I don't give a damn! More beer!

Oh, he's one of the senior printers.

Could be foreman if he wanted to, but he doesn't give a damn about anything.

-(CROWD JEERING) -You've had enough!

(SCREAMING)

He always supports the underdog.

But he's always cheerful.

Not like this lot here.

He's beautiful.

Think he'd add to the excitement?

You jeopardize your hall manners, you base born you...

-(TINKLING) -...sons of bitches!

(YELLING)

(YELLING)

(CHOKING)

-Here. -(GRUNTING)

Thanks.

How the hell did you do it?

-Oh, it's his hands, sir. He's terribly strong. -Let me see.

They're as soft as a girl's. What's your name, lad?

44: Number 44, new series, 8-6-4-9-6-2, sir.

-Huh? -Oh, we just call him 44, sir.

I'm not surprised. Well, great job, 44!

Calm yourselves, man! Now, scums!

What the hell's going on here?

(TINKLING)

-What is it, Wasserman? -Ernst, for God's sake.

(STAMMERING) The print-up!

(BANGING)

Invisibles!

It's a magician.

It's that damn Balthasar Hoffman again!

-MAN: You have gone too far this time! -Much too far.

We shall have to inform the ecclesiastical authorities!

You know what it means, don't you?

(GROANING) Uh.

The stake!

-(STUTTERING) But, but... -No, but. We've had enough!

-Understand? -But it's nothing to do with me!

Oh, no! Of course not!

Take him to Father Julian!

(CROWD YELLING) Yeah!

Wait! That won't do.

He'll take his revenge.

He'll die leaving the hex on! We want it taken off!

We most certainly do.

All right, then.

We'll give him a chance.

-You've lied to us, Balthasar. -I haven't.

But...

If we let you off this time, will you promise never to do it again?

Yes!

Yes!

On my honor as an alchemist!

Aziluth on your side!

Never!

In the name of St. Luke.

The patron of all doctors.

Father! Father!

The contract has been saved. The invisibles have printed all the Bibles.

What? How? Who?

When?

Damn on my slippers.

This is all very well.

-But I'm not calling off this strike. -(SIGHING)

Not till we've been paid waiting wages for time lost!

-You wanna be paid for trying to ruin your master? -Certainly.

Full waiting wages. As per the rule book.

I see.

And where does he come in?

Who pays him for his time lost?

That's an irrelevancy.

Yes and we're not interested in irrelevancies.

We're staying out till we get our money!

And the print shop has been spiritually disinfected by a priest.

Oh, come on.

The master never agreed to that, you know he won't.

Then the contract will fail.

Don't be silly.

It's all been printed and boxed!

The Bibles haven't been brought down, have they?

Those boxes need four strong men each to carry them.

Until we get our waiting wages...

-MAN: We won't bring them down. -So...

You're not so damn clever after all, are you?

The contract will fail after all.

(GROANING)

(BELL CHIMING)

(PANTING)

We can't let Katzenyammer get away with this.

There must be some way we can make him eat dirt.

KATRINA: I wish there were.

Those porters...

They're not invisibles. They're flesh and blood.

-August! -Sir?

-Take a message to the master. -Yes, sir.

(CHANTING)

(HUFFING)

It's all your fault.

You could be head of father's brewery by now.

But, oh, no! You had to take up printing. You had to go your own way!

Well, look at you now.

What about me?

What do you want?

Oh, it's about the Bibles, Frau Stein.

Mr. Doangivadam says to say the loading's all fixed.

What? How? Who? When?

I don't know, sir, but he says that he'll see to it

if you see to the men from the university.

Give them a good dinner, sir. And make it last as long as you can.

(CHUCKLING) I'll make it last all night.

Well?

No, no. It's not right, still.

It's not our job.

-To load. -It is.

If I make it worth your while.

Well, maybe.

Here.

Your glass is empty.

I wish you'd let us help, Katrina.

Certainly not.

Apprentices can't afford to go strike-breaking.

Not if they want to keep their places.

Well, we're plenty strong enough.

You'll just stay out of sight.

You know it provokes the men just to set eyes on you.

It's for your own good, my boy.

Kiss your mother and forgive.

Ain't you all I got in the world.

Well, all right.

(CHUCKLING)

(FIDDLE PLAYING)

♪ A lamb she is a tender thing

♪ She frisks and skips about in spring

♪ But when it comes to summertime

♪ We soup her off... ♪

With good red wine. (CHUCKLING)

She sings beautiful.

From the morning till to the evening.

Yeah, yeah. She has five flutes. Five. (CHUCKLING)

♪ But once she is a good for tan

♪ We gulp it down and drink again

♪ A fawn she is so fresh and frail

♪ She dances, prances everywhere

♪ But when she grows she's tasty meat

♪ With good red wine she's sweet to eat ♪

Hush! Hush!

(MUMBLING)

(HUSHING)

Thought you'd cross our picket line, huh?

Well, think again!

(LAUGHING)

DOANGIVADAM: (YELLING) Hey, come back you!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Now! What do we do?

(SIGHING)

-Now you have to let us help. -No!

-Why not? There's no one else, Katrina. -No, no.

-You're good lads to offer, but... -Shh!

(WHISPERING) Hide here.

KATRINA: It's Katzenyammer and the printers.

KATRINA: Well, that beats the bet.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Gentlemen, I've come to thank you.

After all our disagreements of the last few days.

After a period of confusion,

and alas, uh, at times ill-will.

What the hell is he talking about?

HEINRICH: I'm more grateful, when I can say...

That you should have felt able to put aside all bitterness

to save the honored, and not merely the honor.

The very existence of Heinrich Stein, master printer.

Are you out of your mind?

The way you all pitched in and carried the boxes from the print shop to the wagon.

Carried the boxes?

We carried no boxes.

And we won't carry them!

(YELLING)

Won't let anyone else carry them.

Till we get our waiting wages.

But you brought them down. I saw you.

Each with a box on their shoulder.

(ALL LAUGHING)

You're mad!

Those boxes weigh 500 pounds!

HEINRICH: It's true.

They do.

I know, but... Sure as I'm alive.

I saw you load these boxes on the wagon!

(LAUGHING)

Next, you'll say, the master's been paid and the wagon's gone.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLING)

I have been.

And it has.

(GIGGLING)

It's Hoffman.

It's a debt.

(ANGRILY) By that Hoffman again!

(GRUNTING)

(CLANKING)

(SHATTERING)

(GRUMBLING)

That's it! (SPUTTERING)

(WHINING)

(GROANING)

(GRUMBLING)

If you really want to make gold, you've gone about it all the wrong way.

-What the devil are you thinking you... -Try doing this.

(CLANKING)

(BUBBLING)

(SIZZLING)

(LAUGHING) If we...

You mean...

-It really can be done? -Of course.

Now, listen, I'm afraid the printers have the idea that you've been...

(GASPING)

Dr. Hoffman?

Uh, hmm?

You've got some surprises coming.

But don't worry. I'll see that you're okay.

(SIGHING HAPPILY)

This is the greatest moment...

Of my life.

(YELLING) No! No!

No! It wasn't me!

I, I swear! It wasn't me!

Tell that to Father Julian!

(STUTTERING) No, no, no!

-HOFFMAN: (YELLING) No! -(GRUNTING)

HOFFMAN: No, please! No, no!

What is it, sir?

(GULPING) Schnapps!

Not bad.

Not bad at all! Landlord, schnapps for everyone!

Oh!

44, what'd you do with Doangivadam?

Oh, he'll be much happier back with his friends.

-But... -Quick, get on down there, things are happening, August.

(CHUCKLING)

No, no! I confess! I confess everything!

It had better be the truth or else!

Believe me, Katzenyammer. Believe me!

I have been nourishing a viper in my bosom.

Yes, indeed a viper!

That boy.

HOFFMAN: That pupil whom I've loved and cherished.

In my foolish fondness for the lad,

I taught him some of my spells and enchantments.

And now he's using them against you!

-Him? -That creature!

-What should we do to him? -Kill him!

-AUGUST: 44, look out! -(GRUMBLING)

(ALL YELLING)

Gentlemen, gentlemen, think.

What's the use of killing me when all my magic comes from him.

If I'm a nuisance to you, make him put some other spell on me.

After all, he is the greatest magician on earth, isn't he?

HANS: All right.

Inside.

Both of you.

I swear.

I swear.

On pain of being delivered up.

On pain of being delivered up.

To the flames of the holy inquisition.

-To the flames of the holy inquisition. -(SCRIBBLING)

And you better believe, we mean it.

You better believe we...

(SHEEPISHLY) Sorry.

To take away this boy's enchantments.

To take away this boy's enchantments.

FATHER JULIAN: Now, and forever more, amen.

Now, and forever more, amen.

Ungrateful wretch!

Remember these words!

And the doom, with which they are laden!

I hereby solemnly pledge...

That the day this boy, commits a further mischief...

That day, shall I put such enchantment on him,

I shall surely consume him to ashes...

Before your very eyes.

(GASPING)

44: I'll tell you what though, by the time I get finished with him,

Balthasar is gonna be the most famous magician in Austria.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

You must be very, very careful.

-(GULPING) -Yes, Katrina.

You mustn't even try to work a spell.

-KATRINA: Promise? -I promise.

Please, 44.

(WHISTLING)

44! Stop it!

Oh, stop what?

Whistling! You must be more serious.

-Why? -Because if you're not, you may die.

-So what? -We wouldn't wanna lose you.

Well, you won't.

You won't.

-44... -Hmm?

Why do you wanna make a reputation for Balthasar?

Why not yourself?

Oh, we don't care for small vanities like fame where I come from.

Where do you...

Where...

Why won't you let me ask you?

Because you wouldn't understand the answer.

This medieval cooking is pretty hard to take.

Come on, let's get some fresh air.

44: Try some duck.

AUGUST: Oh, I don't like duck. 44: Oh, you'll like this.

-Mmm, it's delicious. -Mmm, yes.

44: Tenderest back. Hot from America.

-What's America? -A country.

Where?

Mmm, miles away. It's not discovered yet. It will be soon.

What's this?

Hot corn puff from Arkansas.

Split it, butter it...

Close your eyes and enjoy.

Mmm.

Now...

Fried spring chicken.

Milk and flour gravy from Alabama.

Try it, August and grieve for the angels because they ain't got it.

Mmm.

Cream smothered strawberries, with the prairie dew still on them.

Let it melt in your mouth.

Don't even try to say what you feel.

Is this all from America?

Every golden delicious mouthful.

Have you been there?

-Oh, I've been everywhere. -AUGUST: When?

Past, present, future. It's all the same to me.

I don't live in this century, August.

I don't live in any century as such.

I don't even live in the Christian epoch.

Are you a Christian?

I don't subscribe to any particular faith.

Then I shall convert you. I'll make it my whole purpose in life.

The Lord will aid me. I feel the Holy Spirit moving in me even now.

Must be very uncomfortable.

44...

Oh, look.

I appreciate it and it's very kind of you,

but if you made me a Christian, I'd be terribly lonely.

Why?

I'd be the only one in the world.

It's not funny.

No.

Religion, 44, is our only stay.

It's the most precious thing we have.

God is everywhere.

Not a sparrow falls without his seeing it.

I've always been up a stump with that one.

AUGUST: Why?

Well, the sparrow falls just the same. What good is seeing it?

Well...

(STUTTERING) That...

Your problem is you're afraid of hellfire, that's all.

-And so should you be. -44: Oh, no.

You see, there is one great difference between you and me, August.

You know what it is to be afraid and I don't.

I'll tell you what, I'll teach you how to be invisible.

-What? -I'll give you a magic word.

You won't be able to say it out loud, of course.

-Got it? -Yes.

Well, this is what happens.

44: Go on, try it.

(NERVOUSLY) Like... Like this?

AUGUST: Help! How do I get back?

You say the word again.

-Like this? -Exactly.

-How wonderful! -(CHUCKLING)

Better than saving souls, isn't it?

Oh, but this is... Fun!

-How did we get here? -The usual way.

(CHUCKLING)

I'm gonna sleep with my clothes on.

I guess I'm about ready for bed myself.

Good night.

Good night.

44: (PUFFING) Good night, August.

(BANGING)

It's about time!

(CROWD JEERING) Yeah! Yes!

No, I'm the first.

(GASPING)

-Hi, fellas. -MAN: What is that?

MAN: Where the devil did you get that outfit?

Oh, do you like it?

What right have you got to dress yourself up like that?

I just thought I'd get dressed up today.

We're not going back to work are we?

KATRINA: Foolish boy! You shouldn't have done it.

HANS: Where did you get those clothes, huh?

Balthasar Hoffman designed them for me.

-Liar! You stole them! -44: I did not.

He simply said a magic word and presto!

Hell, he did!

Ernst, I don't think you realize what a mighty enchanter Dr. Hoffman is.

Is he? Well...

Let's see what he does about this!

Stop! Stop!

(YELLING) No, indeed!

Sublime and noble master, what is your command?

Oh, Master?

If it is your will, I must obey you. But I beg you.

44: Spare me this heavy duty. Punish them yourself with your own dread hand.

(GROWLING)

Very well.

Your will is law.

You will shortly discover...

That it is not well to offend the master.

No indeed?

(MUTTERING)

(GASPING)

(BLOWING NOSE)

-What's he going to do? -Could be anything.

(STUTTERING) Uh...

Anything dreadful.

Anyone want more?

Well, it serves you right. That's what I think.

Mean-spirited devils, the lot of you.

-(WIND HOWLING) -(THUDDING)

(HURRIED FOOTSTEPS)

Here. All he wants he said...

(GASPING)

You bastard of black magic! Who the hell are you?

Hans Katzenyammer, foreman of the shop.

Don't be stupid.

-I'm Katzenyammer. -No, you're not. I am.

HANS: Have you been setting type up there?

Well, that's what I'd be doing.

Who told you you could?

I told myself.

HANS: The hell you did!

Do you belong to the guild?

-Certainly not. -Why?

-We're on strike. -Well, we're not.

-Scrap! -Rascal!

Up and at him, boys!

(YELLING) Boys! Help!

My God! It's impossible!

-Me? -Me.

You may not be guild members, but you must have some terms...

-...and conditions of service. -No.

-Meal breaks, beer allowance! -No.

-How much does Stein pay you? -We don't need pay.

No pay?

(SCREAMING)

(INDISTINCT SCREAMING)

Oh, oh!

Good evening, gentleman.

Eh...

Uh...

Oh, my Lord.

MAN: None of that. You did this!

You know damn well you did!

MAN: Yes.

You told us to bring down those boxes.

(STUTTERING) No, no, really, truly that, I...

I ordered something quite different.

Completely different.

(NERVOUS CHUCKLE)

It's this little imp again!

I've warned you.

Yeah, haven't I warned him in front of all of you!

I've told him what would happen!

HANS: Go on, then.

Turn him to ashes.

Or it's off to the holy inquisition.

HOFFMAN: Well...

(CHANTING SPELL)

(CRACKLING)

(GASPING)

Hello.

(GASPING IN SHOCK)

August?

August? Stop!

It's me. I'm not a ghost, I'm alive again, that's all.

I am, honestly.

(CHUCKLING) Come on, touch me.

(CHUCKLING) You see?

But didn't...

Didn't...

-Did you really die or not? -Yes, I died.

There's nothing to it. I have done it often.

(SIGHING)

The duplicates are a good idea, don't you think?

Who... What are they?

-Fictions. -What do you mean?

Well, you know you're not one person but two.

No, of course not. How could I be?

By the laws of your nature.

There's your working day self who tends to daily business,

and there's your dream self.

Your dream self has no responsibilities.

All he's interested in is romance and excursions.

And adventure.

44: I'm gonna show you just how much freer and nobler

your dream self is than your working day self.

Especially, when it comes to Marget.

AUGUST: Oh, Marget's far beyond me.

44: But you dream of her. AUGUST: Oh, well.

44: What makes you so sure she doesn't dream of you?

(GASPING)

(SCREAMING)

(SHRIEKING)

(SHRIEKING)

MAN: What's the matter? What's the matter?

WOMAN: What's going on?

(YELLING)

44!

-AUGUST: What have I done? -You've been up to mischief, I hear.

-It's all your fault. -44: (GIGGLING)

-It's not funny. -Oh, it is. You know it is.

I haven't laughed so much for centuries. (CHUCKLING)

It's dreadful. Marget and I...

I know, I know. But don't worry, there was only one witness.

I know, but she'll tell everyone.

Well, not if we kill her.

Don't be insane.

Well, she's got to die sometime, August. It really doesn't matter when.

You can't go around just killing people.

Why not? Other people do.

Human beings aren't important.

-We'll kill her off. -No!

August, why not?

-It wouldn't be Christian. -Oh, right.

Oh, then we'll turn her into a cat.

No!

(MEWING)

(SIGHING) 44!

Sorry, I had to act fast. She was on her way to the master.

I don't care. You have no right.

Marget's reputation would have been in ruins.

Are you sure?

Positive.

(MEWING)

Let her in, would you?

All right, but...

WOMAN VOICE: You did this!

Oh, yes, I did, indeed.

You're mean, mean! I never did you any harm.

Oh, you were gonna do your mistress harm. I couldn't allow that.

Well.

Will they treat me well?

Extremely well.

DUFFLES: Sure?

I give you my word.

In that case...

I think I'd rather be a cat than a maid any day.

It's sheer slavery here, you have no idea.

Um... Frau Stein?

-DUFFLES: Will she treat me well? -Yes, I promise.

Well, then.

I think I'll stay a cat, if that's all right with you.

(EXCITEDLY) I never knew what not it was to be a cat before.

It's a jag, Duffles. It's a jag.

(MEWING)

44: See no harm done at all.

None at all. You've done her a favor.

Can you do anything?

Oh, pretty much.

Do you know everything?

Pretty much.

Then... Why did you come here? Please don't put me off!

Why did you come?

Well, that's a very intelligent question, August.

So, I'll give you the honest truth.

Where I come from we can all foresee the future.

-Everything? -Everything.

Which means when it happens there's nothing to it.

No surprises.

So you just came here to be surprised?

I'm only young, you know?

It's only natural to wanna astonish people and show off,

and see and do all the things a boy likes to be and do.

So, I come here and get things nicely worked up like they are now.

-You're wicked. -Sure, why not?

And it's all coming nicely to the boil.

I can't feed the men their breakfast, Frau Stein.

Can Duffles bring the milk?

Well, where is Duffles?

-I'll wring her neck. -(MEWING)

-(MEWING) -There, there.

Poor puss wants her cream.

It's all that magician of yours.

First he makes away with my darling boy.

And now Duffles has disappeared.

Just let me get my hands on him. That's all.

-No breakfast. -No wages.

And no work.

There's only one thing to do.

Balthasar.

Balthasar.

And this time... (BANGING)

We're in, Hoffman.

HANS: You'd better pray.

Heinrich!

(YELLING) Heinrich! Come out of there!

They're gonna murder Dr. Hoffman!

At last.

HANS: Black magic

can't help you now!

No! I'm a Christian.

I was baptized.

I go to confession!

I swear to God!

FRAU: Heinrich! Heinrich, you've got to stop them!

It's only what he had coming for him.

And at what time too. (CHUCKLING)

More fresh wood!

HEINRICH: (LAUGHING) Hey!

More fresh wood! (LAUGHING)

-Put a stake! -No!

(CROWD YELLING)

(YELLING) Balthasar Hoffman!

(CROWD YELLING)

No, no!

It was only tricks.

Honest to God!

I will show you how to do them.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

KATRINA: (YELLING ANGRILY) Let me at him! Let me at him!

He murdered my 44!

FATHER JULIAN: Keep her back.

Hold her!

(ANGRILY) His blood is mine by right!

His blood is God's! Bind him!

HOFFMAN: A blindfold.

Where's my blindfold?

You can't expect me do this without a blindfold.

-I... -(CROWD LAUGHING)

(SPUTTERING)

Now take him to the stake.

(SCREAMING)

(CROWD CHANTING) Hey, hey!

(GROANING)

Leave him at the top.

FATHER JULIAN: Depart...

Damned soul!

You shall rage in eternal woe.

(SCREAMING)

ERNST: It's 44! Look!

(CRACKLING)

AUGUST: You're going away now?

44: Yes.

Oh, we've been good comrades, haven't we ?

It's been fun.

AUGUST: Won't we ever see one another again?

44: No.

AUGUST: But, in another life.

We shall meet again in another life.

44: There is no other life, August.

AUGUST: But...

You've talked about the future. You've been there.

44: In a dream.

It was a vision.

It had no real existence.

AUGUST: None of it?

44: Life itself is a dream.

God, man, uh, sun and moon, and stars, it's all a dream.

AUGUST: There's... There's no God?

44: No God?

No.

No universe, no human race, no life on earth.

No heaven and no hell.

Just dreams.

Nothing exists but empty space in you.

AUGUST: Then...

Who are you?

44: Your dream.

You called me so I came, the creature of your imagination.

Not so limited after all, was it?

In a moment you realize I'm telling the truth and...

You'll banish me from your dreams, I shall dissolve

into the nothingness out of which you called me.

You see, you do believe me.

You're free now, August. A free man.

But...

What shall I do without you?

Dream other dreams.

Better ones.