Original subtitles

[threatening film music]

Since the dawn of time...

[Film Music: "Thus Spoke Zarathustra"]

there have been vampires.

[Hitler] Heil!

[Elliot] In fact... humans, and vampires

have been secretly warring for thousands of years.

But through the centuries, they have always been out liars

[Techno song "Wubble Telescope" by Mikey Geiger]

[Elliot] And then there's me.

Yup.

It ain't your classic vampire tale

or one of the bullshit romances with emo teen girls

and their heartthrob douchebag boyfriends.

This one's about revenge.

Pure and simple.

Oh, yeah, and these fucking idiots.

JACK: Stream Team, 29th of April.

Stream Team TV. Me, Mario Lopez, in the cage.

I'm gonna fuck that pussy-ass bitch.

[Pop song "Money" by Chantry Smith)

JACK: Check it, juice cleanse.

Lemon, cayenne pepper, water.

11, 12, come on, one more.

Hm, tastes like shit.

Hey Liz-Kids, it's official:

The countdown to the wedding has begun.

Today, with this stream, I wanna share with you

a perfect look for anyone's wedding. Especially mine.

I'll see you there. Like and subscribe.

Hey, my Jullionaires.

I'm sharing my last big surprise before the party of the year.

That's right.

My favorite assholes Jack and Liz are getting married.

JK, I love them so much. They're like family to me.

[Flynn] Oh, nice try, Blake 3, you come with that lamb shit again,

I'll smear your whack out of there, all over this level.

Aren't you two supposed to be getting married in like six hours?

Okay, you know what, it's not your wedding, Flynn. It's ours.

It's fine. Just hear him out.

So, I got a call from Steven Rektor's people.

Apparently, he and his wife personally requested

the Stream Team a.k.a. you lucky fucks,

to come out to his retreat in Mexico.

And chat about his huge ambassador deal.

-I'm talking millions. -That guy?

ELLIOT: Steven motherfucking Rektor.

This shithead is a number one on the kill list.

Unlike many of his nefarious masters of the universe peers,

his secret that Bernie fucking made off

his Ponzi scheme and-- and that Fyre Festival, which I attended, by the way

Looked like humanitarian missions.

That's right, this dude, and his perfect ice queen wifey.

I mean, what we're talking about here is a path to a healthier future.

Our trials have worked.

And once we release this to the world,

and I do intend make this free to every person around the globe, this will be my greatest legacy.

ELLIOT: Bloodsucking beasts in a long line mass

of mass murdering fanged phantoms.

Waiting to pounce with a product

that'll lead the lambs right to the slaughter.

Steven Rektor's saving the planet, Flynn.

David says all ten of his homes are carbon neutral

and he donated like a cool half billion to the Amazon rainforests, which we love.

Maybe he's not so terrible.

[sheep baws]

NARRATOR 1: We help farmers grow the food

that grows a life.

We foster care for the young and young at heart.

In a growing world forever challenged

by mother nature and the laws of uncertainty,

rest assured that the good people of Rektor Biotech are looking out for your future.

Building a community, a family

and a legacy that will live on and on,

long after we're gone.

Rektor Biotech,

building a legacy that will live on and on.

[Flynn] You know, I didn't fight with you about dating her.

Okay, I didn't have a shitfit when you announced

your engagement publicly without telling me.

But ah, Jack, I mean, this is just-- this is too much.

Like, you're better than this.

I appreciate you caring.

But Flynn, honestly, it's not that big a deal.

You know we can get married anywhere, anytime.

-Anytime? -Yeah.

You invited everyone we know today.

And now, because she wants to go after some creepy billionaire's wallet,

you're throwing out your own wedding day.

-I mean... -Uh, alright, it's not that simple, okay.

You know, I've got responsibilities now.

FLYNN: Ugh. What is her fucking problem?

Doesn't she know this could change our lives?

JACK: The deal is up on our house in two months.

Maserati wants the cars back,

Liz's beauty kit didn't, quite perform as well as we'd hoped.

Ha! Of course, it didn't.

Everything that she touches turns to shit.

-She's dragging you down, J-- -Alright, Flynn, stop.

-You need to give Liz a break. -No, fuck that.

She's nothing but a gold digger and I'm done hearing your excuses for her.

Wow.

Hey, are you guys ready yet?

-Yeah. -No!

[rap song "Road Trip" by Dawin and Toothpick]

[Elliot] Welcome to the wild west of equal opportunity

mindfuckery, baby.

Courtesy of your favorite mommy blogger.

Half-naked Insta model, Facetune, Snapchatter

and semi-famous pop star, and your TikTok.

But the way I see it, this group of massively popular shitheads...

...might just be the key to shutting down the whole damn vampire cabal.

Fuck!

LIZ: Pre-wedding, super top secret mission

with the gang hashtag shh, hashtag fun in the sun, hashtag wifeyyy.

JULES: Can't believe my bff is about to get married.

Hashtag party bus. Hashtag SOS. Hashtag we getting lit.

JACK: Hey, bye bye to this pretty face, ladies.

Hashtag sexy. Hashtag all for likes.

Hashtag bachelor. Handsome playboy Insta famous.

[Pop song "Never Stop Dreaming" by Neon Beach]

We love you Stream Team!

Hey guys, so you're probably wondering

what happened to the wedding?

We called it off? Did Liz get cold feet?

-Hell no. -No way, baby. We're all good.

We're just on a super-secret pre-wedding side mission.

Say hi, guys. Say, what up?

-Whoo. What's up? -Don't wanna play?

So, we're good and we will check in with you later.

Muah. Love you.

[rap song "Road Trip" by Darwin and Toothpick]

David, what the hell? I thought you said this thing had seamless Wi-Fi.

Well, it's working just fine for me.

JULES: Same here, babe. You probably just hit a dead zone.

Ugh, man meat is being such a whiny little bitch.

-Who? -Jason. You know, my side thing.

"How could I leave without saying goodbye?"

I swear, sometimes I really miss toxic masculinity.

JACK: Hey, I'm still toxically masculine.

What bitches, ho, what?

I thought Jason was your boyfriend.

Boyfriend? Don't get it twisted.

-You said you were gonna marry him! -I say a lot of things.

FLYNN: I think maybe you're just looking for like

a Disney fantasy relationship with a Prince Charming,

when maybe you need to find patience

and some good in people and get past your own fears.

Thank you, but I really don't need

your heteronormative ideas on romance.

-Heteronormative? Dude, I'm a lesbian. -Exactly. Shackled by labels.

-Yo David, where we at? -LIZ: Lost.

We're over an hour late and the sun is going down.

Not my fault. It's this Waze. It keeps losing signal and moving our location.

Oh, God, he seriously, he just missed another turn.

Yeah, David, uh, one question. Do you think you could manage to get us there?

-[Jack chuckles] -DAVID: Shut up! You guys are ruining my concentration.

This ruin your concentration, David?

-Like this... -[Jules] Ladies...

-Oh, no... -[Jack chuckles]

JACK: David, does this ruin your concentration?

-It's not funny. -[making gagging noises]

Come on. Stop acting like kids.

-Please, David, I'm so bored. -Yeah, guys, stop.

You can't drive, David. Really?

This is really important, you guys.

[rap song "Street Knowledge" by KC Carter]

Who the fuck is this guy?

-Don't worry, I'll handle this. -Well, that's a terrible idea.

Well, he seems fun.

Shut up, he can hear you.

Jack, why don't you just go tell him who we are.

Um, I don't think he's gonna care.

Look, I'm gonna talk to him.

-Just act cool, guys. I got this. -Do you?

-Hey, buddy. -Not your buddy.

Ah, okay. Hi. Sir, how are you doing? I'm Jack.

-Am I supposed to give a shit? -Okay.

Hey, I am-- I love your sunglasses.

Are they vintage Ray-Ban?

Fuck off.

Okay, I think we're done.

You got no idea of how much trouble you're in, do you?

Look, dude, you came out of nowhere.

We didn't even hit you and you're fine.

-What's your problem? -My problem is you.

ELLIOT: Turn around, get back in your little party bus.

Flip a bitch, and get the fuck out of here.

Or, and I promise you, you'll suffer.

Adult to adult, you're kinda freaking us out.

Look, we're really sorry. We just wanna pass through, so...

If there's anything we can do, uh, maybe you need, uh, some extra money.

I mean if you wanted-- Oh, shit.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa. -Hey, hey, hey!

You've been warned.

Fucking kids.

They can't resist an invite

to act like self-important assholes.

Perfect prey for evil predators like Rektor.

Not to mention the temptation of fame and money.

Now this I know too well.

Your dad's so lame.

Maybe if you didn't get a DUI, we wouldn't have to use him for a ride.

[pop song "Bus Won't Stop" by Famous Cats ]

-What? -I don't know.

-Oh, my God, you're not about to back out on this. -Don't you think it's a little shady?

An older record label exec inviting two teenagers to his hotel room for a meeting?

-So he can listen to our demo, Mol. -This is how it happens.

-What? -Getting raped?

Molly and Alexx from Surburban Trash.

Thought this was supposed to be a listening party.

-Are you tripping right now? -I'm tripping.

This shit is really happening, girl.

Al? Alexx?

Al?

[Alexx screams]

-Jackpot, biatch! -Fuck you, dude.

-You scared the crap out of me. -What's your problem?

[sighs] Something's off.

Stop being such a straightedge.

Just play the demo, have a beer.

We'll set a mood.

[pop music]

OK, now what?

We wait.

[Elliot] First off, the hotel suite is not even that nice.

But when you hear somebody in the other room

speak in an ancient double tongue with one of them low demonic filters on it

that you hear in every Exorcist film...

[demonic rumble]

you should probably take the hint.

I'm Alexx, lead singer of Suburban Trash.

Umm, and this is Molly, the bassist.

We've had a few...

[screams]

[Molly screams]

[cries] Oh fuck.

[banging on door]

-[cell phone rings] -ELLIOT: Guess who?

I'm sorry, daddy, I screwed up.

-Where are you now? -[Molly] Eleventh floor.

ELLIOT ON PHONE: Honey?

-Honey? -Just make it go away.

ELLIOT: Every slayer needs his own origin story.

Even your old buddy, Elliot Jones.

Dad?

Sweetie, where-- where are you right now?

-I'm sorry. -Hey, honey?

[Molly screams]

[Elliot] That night changed everything.

[Pop song "Board" by Mike Doni]

ELLIOT: Some people mourn like my ex-wife.

With a bunch of pills and a new boyfriend named Enrique.

But some search for the truth.

And in my case, the truth had fangs.

And thus, my new life began.

As bodies began to mount, there was a pattern.

Folks being murdered, more like harvested,

all had the same thing in common,

their blood, the rarest blood on earth.

Bloodline leading back to these dumb fucks.

[calm instrumental "Out of the Sun" by Wilasco]

[alienated voice] Dark Evidence!

[Cap] Dude, are you ready?

-You're sitting? You're not gonna believe this shit... -[Shade] Yes, I'm here.

Everyone thinks this guy's high...

But he might be right.

There's this audio recording of Rektor in the 1970's.

He was at this uh... eugenics conference... I wanna say... Paraguay.

You're not gonna believe this shit.

Crazy.

Eugenics?! That pure-blood, super-race, inbreeding bullshit?

Yes, no, totally. He's totally into that, the whole family is.

DNA.com... if follows bloodlines,

Royalty, paternity suits...

No hold on, you say Rictor in the 1970s?

What was he a fucking embryo? How old can that fucking guy be?

-I know I know. -Look at him.

He's had this baby smooth face for the last 40 years, how is that possible?

I know he makes Yoda look like a zygote.

It's weird shit though, dude.

I saw the video. That's the dude!

Steven Rektor, same fucked up hairdo, same shit eating grin.

He gotta be like 80 by now.

So there's a video of him and it's the same fucking dude, man?

-Exactly, yeah, that's it. -That's crazy, dude.

Whatever they're pumping out over there

at Rektor Bio, give me some of that shit, man.

Let me mainline that shit.

You said "pumping" and "Rektor".

-Oh, I sure did, yeah. -This a family show, now...

Yes, Rektor damn near killed her.

Elliot Jones is the guy that broke the story.

No kidding? Elliot Jones?

-Hand to god! -That fucking - uh.. catch a criminal guy.

I remember him... yeah...

The son of a bitch still owes me money.

He was like "America's Most Wanted" for sleazy Hollywood types.

Mid 2000s or so, that guy

was everywhere and then he suddenly disappeared, poof.

Did he though?

-That's an interesting story. -All right.

-We'll get into it. -You'd better.

Jack?

-What's up? -Look at this.

What is this, from the Winnebago guy?

Yeah.

What if he isn't threatening us, he was trying to warn us?

You've been warned.

Oh, with this?

Come on, calm down, QAnon. [scoffs]

-But you don't know anything. -What if-- what if this is legit?

Oh, my God. You always think the worst.

Did it ever occur to you that this might turn out to be a good thing?

JULES: Holy shit, Flynn, come here look.

Jack, Jack, come here, you have to see this.

Come on.

Listen, I promise you, it's gonna be fine, okay?

[pop instrumental "Got Me Like" by Dr. delight]

Oh, my God, look, is that Harry Rektor?

That's Steven's nephew.

He has the most amazing animal protection non-profit.

I think I might be in love.

-Hm-mm. -What?

You told me to grow up.

Look.

Holy shit.

Now, that's cool.

NATALIE: You must be the Stream Team.

Guilty as charged.

Hmm. Welcome to Rektor Manor.

Come on, come on.

LIZ: I just, I love it here already.

JULES: Hey, my Jullionaires.

We're gonna have an exclusive look inside Rektor Manor.

-Is it true there's a cryo chamber? -I love cryo.

Look, it's a little baby fetus.

Welcome, everyone.

We are so excited to have you as our guests.

I'm Beverly Rektor.

You're iconic.

Oh, you're so sweet.

-You must be Liz Anthony. -Queen of online shopping.

Which makes you, Jack Chambers.

-Hi. -[Beverly] King of YouTube.

[chuckles] Yeah.

And Jules Jay, online social goddess.

Oh, [chuckles] I-- I wouldn't say goddess.

Why are people saying that all the time?

And you are...

David.

Great.

Flynn Chambers, Twitch icon and pro gamer.

-Am I right? [chuckles] -Uh, not exactly pro yet.

I hear you have an important match this evening.

Yeah, it's the um, Modern Warfare semi-finals.

Oh, I love that game.

-No shit. -Yeah.

Mind if I watch you--

[fades] Mind if I watch you play?

[gloomy voices]

[Jack] Flynn.

Flynn?

You alright, honey?

Oh, just ignore her. She's fine, seriously.

Ready to see the rest of the compound?

Yes, please.

ELLIOT: All of mankind is divided up into two species.

Normies and La Vampiro Nostra.

Syndicates and families with different styles,

they're all after the same thing. Our fucking blood.

[Beverly] And this is our fitness center.

ELLIOT: Any slayer worth two shits and a nickel knows a honeypot when he sees one

[Harry] Hi.

Hey, aren't you that girl?

Am I?

You retweeted my call to action to save the whales

to like seven million people.

That one thoughtful act really made a difference, especially to the whales.

What can I say? I-- I love Willy.

Free Willy. The movie with the whales.

Harry Rektor.

Jules. Jules Jay.

You like to ride, Jules?

Excuse me? [chuckles]

Horses.

Oh, oh.

Yeah. Yeah, mhmm. Yeah, I love horses.

Umm, ponies. I really love all sizes.

-Knock-knock. Hey, how's it going? -Yeah, good. -How we doing in here?

-How you doing, man? -I'm sorry, I'm Jack Chambers.

-Is this girl bothering you? -Fuck off. [chuckles]

-Hey, you fuck off. -Although, actually I uh...

Oh, um...

Look at that. That's so fun.

-Uh, this has been great, but we've gotta go. -We really have to go.

-Oh, okay. -Yeah, come on.

Dude, it was lovely meeting you.

Yeah, okay. Let's go, come on.

Meet me at the stables later and we can take a ride.

Okay.

Yeah, for sure.

[Pop song "Being Human" by Hirsch]

David Dean, Stream Team manager.

Hi.

-Hey David, how's your wife? -Yes David, where is your ring?

Yeah, isn't she pregnant or something?

Okay, I get it.

Hey guys, it's Jules. And...

ELLIOT: Look at 'em. Ignoring all the signs.

Hey guys, what's up? It's Jul... So weird.

ELLIOT: Everybody but her.

-What's wrong? -My post isn't uploading.

Oh, Beverly, I just got a ping from downstairs.

-They're ready for David. -Of course.

Business affairs would like to go over some deal points.

Oh, yeah, great. [chuckles]

ELLIOT: Separating the group one by one.

That means Jack, Flynn, Liz, Jules.

It's time for you to meet Mr. Rektor. Right this way.

ELLIOT: Typical vampire pack-hunting tactics.

-You guys have this without me? -Yeah, we got it.

This is where I leave you.

This is where you leave me?

ELLIOT: Now this part I admit, it's a bit of a mystery.

See yours truly is gonna use a little creative license

and paint a picture.

Like that time in Miami when a Cuban vamp syndicate

lured the bodyguard of a Congressman to a penthouse.

[screaming]

ELLIOT: The bastard never saw it coming.

-David Dean, Stream Team Manager. -[calm organ music]

ELLIOT: Which brings me back to this idiot schmuck turd.

Uh, I was told to meet here to go over the deal points.

ELLIOT: Nah, that's not the right music.

Let's try this.

[heavy metal music]

That's more like it.

ELLIOT: Alright, I know what you're thinking.

Why they don't just get to it and waste this asshole?

I'll tell you. It's a chemical thing.

They say the more anticipation and fear

that the victim can experience before the bloodletting,

makes the blood taste even sweeter.

Jeez.

Fuck...

[screams]

[distorted voice] Dark evidence!

There was this nightclub in Hollywood called Delilah's.

You had to have heard of this...

-"Delilah's", yeah I know! -Steven Rektor owned it?

It was like the "Studio 54" of the west coast.

Everyone worth their salt was there.

Starfuckers, music producers, everyone.

Weird shit happened, here's the thing...

The cops wouldn't go there. They wouldn't touch it!

Even with all the shootings and overdoses and all of it.

It was like off limits.

It was like there was flea spray on 'em.

Everything was handled in house by private security.

Now the rumor was the cartels were running product through there for Rektor.

Ratfuck made a deal with the mayor for a little Payola.

Before a man showed up.

Ah, Mister Elliot Jones, Catch a Criminal himself.

Absolutely, now you gotta keep an open mind, but this

guy discovered more than a cartel.

Heck of a lot more.

-It was the syndicate of all syndicates. -To end all syndicates.

-The mother of all syndicates. -The Dark Overlord

of occultish syndicates.

Oooh boy. For me, that's just another Friday night.

I mean, really really fucking dark shit here.

Okay, okay, yes, I can hang with that.

-Can you hang? -I can hang.

-You're sure you can hang? -Bring it on! Bring it on baby!

I don't know if you're ready for this.

Dip me in oil and cover me in breadcrumbs baby

[classical film music]

FLYNN: So, where is Steven?

-Natalie didn't tell you? -Not yet.

Steven can't actually see you.

[scoffs] Excuse me?

My husband is in need of care

and he's only able to interact in person with those who have taken the vaccine.

Our vaccine.

So, without further ado.

Greetings, my friends.

I thank you for making the journey with such short notice.

-Of course, sir. -We are massive fans.

-Yeah. -We are?

STEVEN ON TV: I suppose you might be wondering about Beverly and I

took such an interest in your little outfit.

Definitely.

STEVEN ON TV: After a century of infecting our planet

with greed, toxins, and overpopulation,

the planet is fighting back.

The viruses won't stop. They will continue to mutate.

So, we need to build a new kind of human.

Stronger, immune. True warriors.

And you all can be the match that lights the fire.

-Amazing. -Really?

What my genius husband is trying to say,

is that we think you can help us promote the Rektor Foundation's new super vaccine

that can turn millions of possible deaths

into something even more amazing than just being alive.

Being totally immune to everything.

And for your promotion to your combined user base

of 55 million plus,

we're gonna pay you to the tune of $15 million.

And that's just year one.

Holy shit.

[rap song "Hennything Is Possible" by Elijah]

[Rap song "K-yotic" by Malina Moye]

-Uh, we're in. -JACK: Yeah.

Nope.

Uh, um, do you mind giving us a beat?

Of course.

Jesus, Flynn, we're about to make millions by saving the world.

How is it possible you can find a problem with that?

-She's got a point, sis. -But why us?

Uh, hello. She literally just told us.

No way, they're-- they're hiding something, okay.

That's too much money. It's too top secret.

That paper that that guy gave me today--

are you seriously talking about the creepy guy who threatened to kill us?

-Gross. -Okay.

Yes, the amount they're offering is weirdly high.

I mean, we would have done this for what? Half a mil?

And also, where's David? He should be here, right?

-Yes. -Okay, seriously, Jack.

I can't with her. You always side with your sister.

Look, she is not your only dependent anymore.

I'm your family now.

Come on, don't you trust my instincts?

I'm sorry.

-Fuck this. I'm out. -Flynn?

Jack, look, just let her go, okay.

Let her go. It's not about her.

-This is about us. -Okay.

You built the Stream Team from the ground up.

You deserve this.

-Okay? -Yeah, okay. Yeah. [chuckles]

-Let's do this? -Okay.

Now, before you sign, there's just one more thing.

Times are changing in our media empire.

And because of Steven's health and none of our heirs

willing to take the reins, we've been on the hunt for new partners.

Not just to carry on the legacy of our company,

but to reinvent it for today's audience.

STEVEN ON TV: Jack, I've been watching you for years.

You can do so much more and with my power,

you'll be unstoppable.

Uh, I'm sorry.

Are you talking about giving us your--

My company?

Yes.

Oh.

LIZ: Oh, my God.

It's really happening, babe. We're gonna be billionaires.

[chuckling] Babe.

Uh, no offense. We are insanely flattered,

but um... why us?

It's simple math, really.

Our research shows that you alone engage with 10x more users

under the age of 25 than any other public figure in the world.

I do?

Of course you do, my handsome man.

Your 55 million followers are just the beginning.

Combined with our network capabilities,

they will expand to hundreds of millions,

become the backbone of consumer buyers,

controlling advertising spends, political influence, and world markets.

What we're proposing is a trial merger.

See, how we feel about you and your new role

as leader of our media group

and after six months, we make it a little more formal.

It's a simple offer sheet. David already looked it over.

-It's just... -Oh, fuck.

BEVERLY: Anything you see or participate in during this trial merger stays between us.

It's like a formal family deal before all the business stuff gets ironed out.

[nervous chuckles] Yeah.

You ready?

Ah...

Uh... here we go.

Great!

-Oh, it's amazing. -Yeah.

This is seriously the best day of my life.

Well, I mean apart from our wedding--

What's up, my Jullionaires?

I'm getting ready for a date with a real life cowboy.

So, if you have pro tips, make sure to DM them to me

or comment down below to impress him.

And I've also been using Wewe Face Glow,

which is what's keeping me glowing.

So, uh, for more info, just check in the link above.

Or swipe up to see more. Bye guys!

Oh, Jesus.

What, is the deal off?

No, deal's very much on.

Then what's wrong?

Uh, there is something seriously off about this place and I want no part of it.

OK.

Don't have a Flynn attack.

-Calm down. -I'm calm.

I'm just telling you I think we should go now.

What about your brother and Liz?

They won't listen.

I think this shit's bad.

Okay, what if that guy on the road earlier was right

and these people aren't just greedy, they're evil?

Evil, really?

That thing I read earlier said Rektor's up to something.

And now they're offering us all this crazy money to help them promote it.

What kind of money? Half a mil? Million?

Are they including me?

I'm serious. Are you coming with me or not?

I really, really would but um, actually I have a date tonight.

Harry.

A date?

-Oh, Flynn, come on. -No, no, it's super cool.

No one believes me. Everyone thinks I'm just fucking nuts.

I guess I'll try to find a signal somewhere

and see if I can catch an Uber

to go play my semi-final deathmatch alone.

Okay, sorry.

Text me.

Good luck with your deathmatch.

[distorted voice] Dark evidence!

People operate on like a surface level most of the time...

They'll hear something wrapped in metaphor and take it literally

And they forget that there are dimensions.

Depth, layers, nuances and shit.

But blood rituals? Dude, witches?

My head exploded when I read that.

All that occult shit, the foreign governments Rektor was into...

That's documented.

No metaphor.

And all of that, except what Jones came up with: Poof!

-Disappeared. -Yes, and Rektor disappeared.

-Like rich motherfuckers do. -Exactly, exactly.

And that's what got me thinking...

Maybe this Jones cat had some weird angle. That might...

...And I -I emphasize "might" ...be true.

I mean, who knows what's what's really out there.

We're all just monkeys on a rock, floating through space

Waiting for some meteorite to take a left turn, you know?

What was it for you that flipped the switch...

That all this stuff had to be supernatural?

-I'm not talking supernatural. -It sounds like that.

It might not be outside of nature.

This guy Doctor Vahic Fusco, from the University of

Barcelona, ​​wrote this paper on Neolithic cave drawings.

Depicting what he called higher orders of patriarchy.

Eating smaller fuckers on the bottom of the totem pole.

But he...

-You follow me? -Yeah, yeah.

...he hypothesized

...that there's this really smart breed of homosapiens working the system.

They look like us, they dress like us.

We catch glimpses of their presence shrouded in history and fucked up legends

They might not even know they're different!

I dunno man, it sounds way too random for me bro.

It's all correlation no causation.

You don't think that's what's going on here, do you?

C'mon? Rektor?

There's way too many coincidences for it to be random...

[dark film music]

You gotta be shitting me.

I can-- unbelievable.

Merry Christmas, motherfuckers.

-[muffled screaming] -Shhh, shh.

Don't scream.

Don't-- don't move.

-Get away from me. -Shhh.

The feeding hour is upon us.

Their heightened senses means they can see everything.

What the hell's the matter with you, dude? You can't just grab me.

You know what? They had a valid fucking point.

You're the one I should be scared of. Not Rektor.

Put that mace down. I'm trying to save you, Flynn.

-How do you know my name? -I'll explain that later.

No, you're going to explain it now or I'm screaming.

We don't have time for this.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

Where the hell are you going? Hey!

You can't get a fucking signal out here.

They only get a signal when they want you to.

Hey?

Come with me now before it's too late.

I don't need your help, old man.

[distorted voice] Dark evidence!

Jones was getting help from an old FBI buddy

And not only that, but he proved that the body counts didn't add up

nor the missing person reports.

He filed a complaint with the DA and that's when he supposedly vanished.

A vampire cult.

That's what he says.

A great fucking cover for a murder / kill squad.

UFOs for the Air Force.

Bigfoot for the lumber mafia in national parks services.

Yes, except Bigfoot and UFOs are real.

UFOs maybe, but Bigfoot? No, that's bullshit.

Oh, I love this. The smell is so authentic.

It's great.

HARRY: Jules... I'm waiting for you.

Harry?

Is that you?

HARRY: Why don't you come this way, little lady?

-[loud bang] -[gasps] Shit.

[horses neighing]

[dark film music]

Guys?

Guys?

Jack?

Liz?

Shit.

That's more like it.

[loud bang]

[horses neighing]

Shit!

Fuck.

Come down you freak.

You're just letting Flynn get into your head.

[Jules] I uh, took the liberty of trying the wine.

It's really good.

Is it biodynamic?

Jules?

Don't worry, cutie, I'm coming for you.

Hello Jules.

Oh, shit.

[growls]

Listen, I'm not gonna tell anyone what you guys are up to.

-[Harry growls] -I promise. Just-- just-- just let me go.

That's not happening, Jules.

Okay. I thought that you were a nice guy!

No, I ain't.

Why me? You-- you love animals. Remember, the whales?

I love animals.

I just hate humans.

-[Country Music] -Jules!

You smell tender and juicy.

Never trust a guy with a man bun.

Jules!

Flynn! Flynn!

Don't fight the catch... [laughs]

We have a connection.

-[chuckles] -[Jules screams]

[hisses]

- Jules! - Flynn! Flynn!

[growls]

[grunting]

ELLIOT: Lesson learned. Never accept a date from a dude with a man bun.

No no no!

No more swipes up for you, sweetheart.

[Harry] You have nowhere to run!

Looks like you needed my help after all.

-How did you-- -Know you're gonna get eaten alive?

Kind of, yeah.

You should come out with me. I'll show you.

Really? We're gonna do this shit again?

No, no, I'm coming. I just-- We have to save my brother, too.

Alright, we'll see. Come on.

Oh, wow.

This feels like...

Home?

Our 500 print and television subsidiaries worldwide

make up 90 percent of the global market.

By the end of the decade, we plan to have acquired

-all of them. -Sweet.

People, they call me, heartless, a capitalist, a gold digger.

NATALIE: And this of course one of our many satellite locations,

where all data and imagery are run through our algorithms

straight up to the cloud. Sweet.

Algorithms are kind of my jam.

I just-- I keep searching for a sense of security

and I know that the second I find it, I'm gonna be a whole new person.

Well, I think you found it, baby girl.

Come on.

NATALIE: We like to think of our algorithm

as a giant filter for all the world's facts, narratives, and viewpoints.

-You ready for some real fun? -Yes.

Oh, wow.

NATALIE: Whether you're moderate or conservative

leftist, fascist, anarchist, it doesn't matter to us.

My 1975 Halston.

Jackie Onassis wore it once before I bought it.

-Do you wanna try it on? -Heck yeah. [chuckles]

What's mine is yours.

Our ethos has always been, why be a part

of the conversation, when you could construct the conversation itself?

Great question.

Sorry, was that a question?

Good eye.

This is some top secret shit

that I should not be showing you.

Is it Botox?

[chuckles] This is the vaccine.

It's gonna heal the world.

Total immunity to everything.

Everything?

Just one little shot and nothing will ever stop you.

Can I do it now?

No.

Oh.

But...

But?

Seeing that we're already like family

and this is a momentous occasion,

it feels right to make an exception.

ELLIOT: Now, if an ageless billionaire has pulled you into a wardrobe,

inviting you to try a secret serum in a syringe

from a creepy wooden box...

You ready to be an untouchable queen?

-[Elliot] Just say... -Yes! Yes, please!

Wrong answer, sweetheart.

Hey, uh, thanks for the tour,

but I should probably be heading back.

My sister and my friends are probably wondering about me.

Here we go.

You haven't even met Mr. Rektor yet.

Oh, uh, oh, why, is he around?

[groans]

[classical film music]

[calm film music]

[hard techno music]

Welcome to the rest of your life.

No shit.

I grew up pulling all-nighters to watch re-runs of your show.

NARRATOR 2: Catch A Criminal with Elliot Jones.

If you're a criminal preying on the innocent,

if you assault, rape, and kill...

NARRATOR 2: We have a message for you.

Watch out. Justice is back in town.

Ride alone with Elliot Jones as he investigates,

pursues, and brings down the darkest,

most elusive night stalking predators on our streets.

Catch A Criminal with Elliot Jones.

Making America safer.

GUILTY - WHO DID IT? - TRUTH

Catch A Criminal with Elliot Jones.

NARRATOR 3: Thursdays at 9:00, 8:00 Central on BDN.

What happened to you?

[sighs]

My daughter, Molly, she was...

she was murdered in the hotel suite of a record label executive.

So... there was a trial, highly publicized search

for her killer and all that bullshit.

That's what led to setting the whole show in motion.

But it was all for her,

it was all for Molly.

I followed every clue until it led me to the--

the owner of the record label.

Who also happened to be the owner of the network

that paid for my show.

Steven Rektor.

Steven fucking Rektor.

NATALIE: This is our newest feature,

personally designed by Mr. Rektor himself.

It's the latest in immersive audio-visual experiences.

What like VR?

Like nothing you've ever seen.

ELLIOT: A lot of people think that vampires is the stuff

of fairy tales, and novels, and all that bullshit.

But little do they know that Bram Stoker himself was a vampire!

Making up lies to distract us from the truth.

That the vampire illuminati not only walks among us,

they've gamed our entire system,

our financial institutions.

We got shadow governments making up laws we don't even fucking know about.

Massive media mergers, algorithms, data mining

to control what people think.

While the police state keeps us in line.

Now, we got a vaccine.

Yeah, all in the name of healing the world

when it's really about keeping our blood clean enough for their consumption.

Rooting out the prey from a super society of predators

who worship at the altar of a vampire illuminati.

And that's the truth, baby.

JACK: Okay so, I just lie there.

Clothes on obviously, right. No? Okay, I'm joking.

Alright.

Whoa, here we go.

Have fun.

[booming noise]

[mysterious film music]

Hello?

Hello Jack.

Steven?

ELLIOT: Cocksuckers, hang on a second.

Here we go.

Here we go. [laughs]

The Omega Society.

It's the oldest and most secretive society on the planet.

It's more of a cult really.

Their origins date back since before recorded history.

Want a smoke?

Uh, I-- I vape.

Grow up.

Look, they lived off the blood of small mammals until...

Businessman of the Year: Steven Rektor

until they realized that drinking human blood would give them immortal life.

-Politician killed in bloody ritual. -If they drank it often enough.

But it wasn't long until us humans started fighting back.

By the Middle Ages, we had these motherfuckers on the run.

Then, they came up with a new tactic.

Fleeing their villages in a mass migration.

And then reintegrating into our society,

They just pretended to be like us.pretending-- pretending, mind you, to be one of us.

But they're weak. They have a disease.

The whole family has had a disease for 350 years.

And now Rektor's dying.

And he thinks you're the cure.

FLYNN: What do you mean cure?

ELLIOT: Hunters way before me have been documenting their kills for centuries.

But there is one event that changed everything.

In 1627, during the Würzberg witch trials,

a young woman, a leper was prayed over

by a powerful French cleric Armand Jean du som-- something.

Said to be touched by God Himself.

Anyway, puts his hands on her, says a prayer, and boom, she's healed.

Just like that. True miracle.

Well, she healed so fast, they thought she was a witch.

Decided to burn her at the stake

but the night before her execution, she had a visitor.

A vampire patriarch brutally drained her

of every ounce of blood in her frail body.

But her blood... [chuckles] ...it was special. Infused by the Holy Spirit himself

thanks to the cleric, you see. She was given the divine gift of life.

That will wreak havoc on the dead.

Her name was lost through time, but she was forever referred to

as the "Geist des Schicksals", "the Ghost of Fate".

And through the centuries, that infected bloodline

has run rampant through the Rektor family

making each generation shorter, and weaker,

and more desperate than the ones before.

And now Steven Rektor thinks that you and Jack are the cure.

Holy shit.

ELLIOT: And hell, I think they're right!

My theory is that not only is your blood the right type,

but you and Jack have Rektor DNA.

Your great grandpa Wilbur Chambers

married a Lydia Riechtor, which could have been Rektor.

Vampires are changing their fucking names all the time,

That's why they're after you.

'Cause they think you and Jack are part of the family.

So, we gotta go now.

-ELLIOT: We're not ready. -Why not?

ELLIOT: We've gotta prepare.

I thought that's what we've been doing.

I've been killing vamps a long time, honey.

Steven Rektor, that son of a bitch, he ain't no ordinary vampire.

He's a dark lord, whose royal

bloodline goes back to the very beginning.

Now, you take him out,

you take out one of the biggest vamp syndicates of all time.

I can't believe this is my fucking life right now.

Okay. Rektor's birthday as on record is 1921.

Now, a vampire's natural lifespan is of course endless.

But no financial or real estate records

ever show one vampire ever living past the century mark.

What does that mean?

It means after 100 years, they simply vanish into thin air.

So you're saying that Rektor is near the... expiration date.

But he's also immortal, so what does that mean?

Vampires age and die just like you and me.

But their spirit never does.

They simply move on to a new host.

Somebody they feel can carry on their legacy.

Yup, yup, that's Jack.

I've been waiting for you.

Wow, man. You look so...

-Real? -Yeah.

What-- and dude, this place, it's-- It's ah...

You know, it's strange, it kind of reminds me of, um...

Winston's Bar and Grill?

Yeah.

Dude? Oh, yeah, no.

Man, I-- I used to work here.

I mean not here, you know the-- the real one.

Not virtual, but... Yeah, no, I-- I was the DJ.

I mean to be honest, I was pretty fucking bad.

Umm, but this place is where I made my first YouTube videos with my roommate.

It's uh... How did you know?

I know everything about you.

Your high school crush to your first viral video.

The first million dollars you ever made.

The day you met Liz to the exact amount of money

in your checking account

right now.

Yeah. Oh, shit, uh...

You-- about that, umm, Mr. Rektor, the reason that account

is so low is just because, you know, our overheads are so high.

Uh, but I can assure you Stream Team's value is still rocking high.

[chuckles] We don't care about all that.

Jack, everything you think you know about the world,

it's all about to change.

You are about to change.

I am?

It's time for your next evolutionary step.

Sorry, I... I think I'm a bit confused.

Umm, when you say-- what do you mean...

Huh, what's going on?

[Laughter]

Umm...

Hey guys, very funny. I get it.

You know I thought this was gonna be like a VR experience on a beach, you know or in space.

Something.

[heavy metal music]

Can someone let me out of here, please?

Oh, come on, okay.

Umm, okay, so, that was great. I'm-- I'm sorry, I-- I-- I have to go.

It was-- it was nice meeting you guys,

but umm, listen, I'm sorry.

I uh, I-- I really gotta go.

-[Vampire] You're not going anywhere. -[Natalie] Sorry Jack.

No, no, it's cool. No need to apologize. I'm just gonna let myself out.

It was nice meeting you guys.

Liz?

Hi.

Baby. Oh, my God, baby.

[hisses]

Baby.

Are you okay?

Never better.

Baby, we-- we-- we gotta go.

-Now. -No.

-Why? -We made it, baby.

No, no, we didn't. This place is a fucking trap.

Baby, we gotta go.

-Kiss me. -Now?

[growls] Kiss me.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit. You're one of them.

Eternal life, Jack.

[demonic voice] Think about it. We have more money, power, and success than we ever imagined.

It's the Holy Grail, Jack.

No, no, no, I'm sorry, this is not okay.

I can't--

We can't be like these people.

We just need to get you to a hospital.

You know, there's still time. We can reverse this.

-[growls] -Oh, fuck fangs, oh, God.

Goodnight, Jack.

[alienated voice] Dark evidence!

Look I don't doubt that this Rektor

is a total piece of shit sociopath and Doctor Phibes kinda killer.

I mean, all these mega genius tycoons are ruthless

motherfuckers... we're all just fucking bugs to them.

Is he a vampire? I dunno that's a little weird.

But this vaccine Rektor's trying to sell

the world - that kinda weirds me out, bro!

-How so? -Think about it.

A formula that makes you immune to everything?

So - so what? Does that include death?

Death kills a lot of people, no lie.

Exactly. Which - I dare say, plays into your vampire model.

What make everybody vampires?

Kinda sounds like it.

Maybe it's the booze talking. I don't know!

Yes, but then what do you feed on? Do you follow me?

It's a means of production?

If human beings are the food source, they're off the market.

No bacon, no mas.

Well, maybe that's not their plan.

Maybe they're making us immune to disease so they - so...

They - you know it's a appetizing food source...

...we taste better, kinda like steroids for chickens. I dunno.

I'm just throwing shit to the wall to see what sticks.

It kind of makes me think of the prophesies. There was this line...

"In those days people will seek death but will not find it.

And they will long to die, but death evades them."

It was Revelation 9 something.

I'm very impressed, drunk preacher.

It's called being filled with the spirit, asshole.

And, well, yes I am drunk. Thank you.

But no, think about that first, dude.

It kinda sounds like Rektor's vaccine.

And well you know what follows...

What?

-Vampire Wars. -[scoffs] Oh, Jesus Christ.

Ok well no, but hey, you started it!

So let's see how far the rabbit hole goes.

So like Vampire wars, we get nuked and like no one can die.

Our eyes are boiling, our skin's falling off,

but no one can check out, I mean - Woo Nelly!

Then what we just wait for the vampire mothership to land...

So we - can get - so they can get off this planet...

I mean I don't know, I don't know!

That's very elaborate.

The thing is, this vaccine freaks me out, too.

-Especially because Rektor is behind it. -Exactly, man.

Fuck that dude.

Whatever happened to your boy Jones?

Did he ever come forward with this slam dunk evidence of a vampire cabal?

Nada.

Nothing. He became a recluse from what I heard.

He stopped posting. He went dark about month ago.

Maybe the vampires got him?

[hisses]

You asshole.

Let me out of here.

Oh, let's not be difficult here.

You should be grateful.

You're about to be a king, and join the spirits

with the longest bloodline in the world.

JACK: Please, I'm begging you.

There's been a mistake. This isn't what we signed up for.

Page Six: A full transference of all of Steven and Beverly Rektor's

assets, including their own personal DNA.

You did read the contract, correct?

Look, whatever you're planning, just find someone else, okay?

I'm-- I'm not gonna tell anyone, I promise.

We don't want anyone. We chose you.

Chose me for what?

Welcome to the family.

What, no!

No, please. No.

Well, full transition, less than an hour.

An hour? I saw him like an hour ago.

That's why I'm saying we should be going now.

These bastards are the most vicious, the strongest,

fastest, most vile motherfuckers on this planet.

The games are over, honey.

You walk in that house, chances are you'll get exsanguinated

in less than a minute walking through the door.

-Sounds like fun. -Hey, I'm serious.

You gotta follow my lead.

Whatever it takes to save my brother.

You know I always thought I'd die alone.

It's nice to know I got some company.

[Elliot] Always aim for the chest.

A wooden stake or a silver blade through the heart,

are the only proven way to kill these bastards.

How-- how long have you been killing these things for?

A long fucking time.

Come on.

Countermeasures, always have 'em on you.

Crosses, the fear of God slows 'em down.

But mine packs an extra punch.

Cute.

Holy water.

Only use this as a last resort when shit really hits the fan, okay?

And no self-respecting vampire hunter ever leaves home without

a pack of these babies. Liquid garlic.

Explodes on contact with any vamp scum.

Huh, vamp scum?

Yeah. What?

Nothing. It's a cool nickname.

And last but sure as shit not least, there's the four-second rule.

Now, a typical vampire just wants to drain your blood and leave you for dead, right?

But if you get fangs in with the dark Lord or his ilk,

you got exactly four Mississippis to get 'em out before you turn.

And if you do turn, I got no choice,

but to stake your ass to the grave.

Ditto.

-[snazzy score] -Fat chance, kid.

[Elliot] We're close.

[Flynn] Anything else I should know?

Yeah, yeah, there is.

We're gonna do everything we can to help your brother.

But there are thousands of lives at stake here.

Now, we got three hours till sunrise

and a lot of vampire ass to kick between now and then.

So, are you ready?

Actually give me one second.

What the hell are you doing?

I may have missed the semi-finals,

I'm gonna show the league that I'm good enough to go pro.

-You're filming this? -Got a problem with that?

-Do I have a choice? -No, not really.

Alright, locked and loaded.

[Sawyer] Holy crap, guys.

-Flynn Chambers is back on live. -Oh, my gosh.

And it looks like she's in a secret bunker with her dad.

That's not her dad. Her dad died three years ago.

Let's just say it, her outfit's pretty badass. She looks like she can kill.

And the whole bow and arrow thing is very Fortnite 2019.

But she's bringing it back and I'm here for it.

This stuff is legit scary though. We need to find out who that guy is.

Yeah, for real. That guy is mad sus.

Wait, look-- looks like she's starting.

[dog barks]

[dark film music]

Whoa, whoa.

Easy here, ladies.

Easy, girls.

Easy now.

[Heavy metal film music]

A little help here!

A little help here!

-Nice reflexes there, lady. -Fuck you very much.

Here.

Rektor's close.

I can feel it.

[Flynn] So when we find Rektor, how do we take him down?

Yeah, thanks for reminding me.

Are you fucking kidding me? You insane?

When I said I'd die alone, I wasn't fucking.

There's no known way to kill a Dark Lord or his queen.

I'm just looking for some way, any way to break the cycle

and in the transition maybe save your brother.

Alright.

The simple fact is ain't nobody ever done that and lived to tell the tale.

Nobody but nobody in a thousand years

has ever successfully taken down the leader of a vampire syndicate.

In fact, there's only been three documented attempts.

First, is none other than the inspiration for Dracula himself.

Vlad the Impaler.

A brutal leader who, as legend has it,

dipped pieces of bread in bowls of his victims' blood.

He staked their bodies all over Eastern Europe.

But not documented, Vlad was almost defeated

by a Bavarian goldsmith named Syd the Shylock.

Trapped Vlad with the aid of his cousin, Esther,

who well may be a whore.

And he fed him divine water and garlic injections for three weeks straight.

But one morning when Syd left for town,

Vlad seduced Esther, with the promise of a real apple.

It was very rare those days.

And that was the end of Syd and Esther and the last time

anybody ever saw or heard of Vlad the Impaler.

And then there's Jack the Ripper.

Most consider the Welsh murderer, the very first serial killer,

but while Scotland Yard was desperate to catch Jack,

one detective, Frederick George Abberline,

knew the truth. Jack wasn't a serial killer.

He was the leader of a Welsh vampire syndicate,

known as The Blood Prince.

And our friend Frederick almost busted the entire ring.

Killed dozens of vamps including several members of Jack's own family.

But even with the most inventive steampunk armory,

some of which we still use today,

his tactics were no match for the Ripper.

The Blood Prince seduced Frederick

with the one thing the detective always wanted,

dental surgery.

Which brings us to the Rektor's,

this creepy fucking bunker, and our sorry asses.

Yeah, well, I'm not down for a suicide mission, bro.

Okay, you're gonna need to give me something else to work with.

According to the great prophecy,

there's one way to kill a Dark Lord,

and that's for him to get fanged

by somebody from his own blood order, i.e. somebody that he himself converted.

That right there is just downright impossible, honey.

There has to be another way.

Now, you find that out.

And you let me know, okay.

[vampire growls]

Our guests have arrived.

Rektor's bodyguard.

Might be the only one that knows where your brother is now.

Hey buddy, how you doing?

More coming to your way.

ELLIOT: I bet you're wondering why the big guy didn't take us down?

Well, because he knows and I know, we're already dead.

Alright.

Are you ready for this?

Because things are about to go from mildly nightmarish

to completely batshit fucking crazy.

What do you think, they're waiting for us?

What the fuck do you think?

All the shit we do for family.

[Dark organ music "Toccata and Fugue in D minor" by Bach]

Oh my God.

That's the worst thing I've ever seen.

All that blood for one vampire?

Not just one.

You see all them tube feeders?

Means this vamp ring is a lot bigger than I thought.

[Elliot] Come on.

Oh God.

-Looks like a-- -Trap.

Jack?

Jack, Jack, come on.

Jack, look, Jack, you have to wake up.

[shushes] Stop.

Mr Jones. Welcome to the party.

Hello, bitch.

Flynn.

Hey, where is he, vamp scum?

He's been waiting for you.

Where is he?

[hisses]

Oh, I'm sorry, was that a question?

'Cause I thought you knew everything about us.

Try me.

Jesus, fuck.

They've been hiding his decline for years.

That's Rektor?

-Who did we speak to before? -Goddamn deepfake program.

Remember, trust nobody. Believe nothing.

And this piece of shit, it's been a long time coming,

you bloodsucking megalomaniac shitfucker.

Now, huh, we meet at last.

Well, not exactly.

You missed them by about an hour.

We did?

Beverly Rektor has safely transitioned

to her new host body.

What about this piece of shit? Oh, well, Steven is somewhere in transit,

as his host completes his transfusion.

Once the royal blood is in, it means the spirit can finally

bind the body. It's the final step.

-I'm sorry, darling. -No!

No fucking way.

He didn't know what he was getting into, alright?

You can do whatever the hell you want with her.

Stay the fuck away from my brother.

Think they'll just kill each other?

Have fun draining, Mr. Jones.

I'm gonna make sure the sister stays in the family.

Holy shit.

They want you to be the liaison.

It's a half-vampire, half-human

bound to the do the bidding of the king and queen, forever.

No, that's not gonna happen.

I've always wanted to taste someone's integrity.

Bring it, vamp scum.

[hisses]

That was easy.

Jesus!

[dramatic film music]

Get the hell off me, you fucking vamp.

Die Bitch!

Did she?

Am I?

Nah, you're good.

Alright, let's shut this shit down.

I'm sorry, guys. He's mine now.

Don't listen to her. She's a queen now. Not her true self.

No, no, that's Liz.

I'm gonna gut this bitch once and for all.

Oh, sweetie, try me.

[Flynn] A little help here!

[hisses]

[EDM version of “Toccata and Fugue in D minor"]

[hisses]

Flynn!

Fucking queen, don't let her get away!

-Press the blood. -FLYNN: Where's the button?

Press the fucking blood.

ELLIOT: The plan is not exactly simple.

Feeding Rektor back his own royal blood takes a lot of steps.

So, to make it clear, for all you

YouTubing, TikToking cocksuckers out there,

here are some tips.

[relaxed film music]

[moans and screams]

Aaah! Help.

Oh, my God, Flynn.

Please get me out of this thing.

Look.

Oh God!

[Steven hisses]

[Jack and Flynn scream]

ELLIOT: Ah, you thought I forgot.

So, the third and perhaps the closest,

anybody's ever come to busting a syndicate happened in the afternoon of November 24th in 1971.

A charismatic vamp posing as an ad man

was well on his way to manipulating the masses

through Madison Avenue and forming a movement to create large feeding areas

that would later become known as discos.

But on his way to triumph, he was double crossed

by a royal member

who was determined to use this disco concept

for a long time dream to become a popstar.

She sold out the ad man to an elite group of slayers,

who staged a coup on a flight from Portland to Seattle.

Sensing danger, the now iconic bloodsucker, otherwise known

by the name of D.B. Cooper

disappeared forever.

[Jack] Oh, fuck me!

[Jack] Oh, God. Whoa.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, Flynn.

I'm so sorry, you were right. You were right about all of it.

I know, what else is new?

[Jack] Please get me out of this thing.

-Come on. -Uhhh.

Oh my God.

-Are we too late? -Oh, yeah.

Listen, you did a pretty good job.

-Yeah. -What about this?

Oh, yeah.

You got three minutes to get your brother out of here.

Hey, it was pretty fun, wasn't it?

Huh?

Not really.

OK.

Let's go. It was nice meeting you again.

Hey, remember, trust nobody.

Believe nothing.

[exciting film music]

[Elliot] Flynn!

[Liz screams]

[screaming]

[screaming]

Come on, let's go.

[calm song "Always" by Sonia Wingert]

It's vamp time.

winner

Stephen Rektor passed away after 368 years!

Deaths of Stephen Rektor and his wife confirmed!

Vampire VIPs mourn the loss of their leader...

Good show. Elliot Jones did it. Hoo, hoo!

ELLIOT: So, if you're ever invited to an exclusive party

that you have no business being in

or offered a business opportunity

Or you meet an impeccably-dressed

handsome billionaire who has a Red Room,

you need to ask yourself, "Am I the prey or the predator?"

And "Do I have what it takes to be a motherfucking slayer?"

[Heavy Metal Song "Unkillable Bitch" by Taylor Locke]

[distorted voice] Dark evidence!

-Rektor is dead? -Yeah.

-What do you think really happened? -I don't know, man.

Do you think...

Do you think that's why Elliot Jones' disappeared?

Do you think he took out Rektor?

Maybe they call him "e-Rektor" now.

-Oh man. -Here's to Elliot.

Mister Jones, RIP.

- Salute. -Yeah!

And to Rektor, burn in hell. Motherfucker!

-I know a lot of you have questions -I definitely do.

Is this a new promo for a new vampire movie?

And if so, what's the name?

And I guess Jules finally quit the business!

And when is Liz's new nail kit coming out?

Because this bitch definitely needs it.

Sophie, what's our news for today?

Okay folks, so I listened to NPR, and basically

everyone went missing from the compound

And there are serious reports of foul play

What's NPR, girl!?

idiot.

So today let's look back at the live

streams and posts from the past few days.

But before we do that, there is a big thank you to our sponsor: LIT.

The deodorant for dudes like me and you.

Don't forget to subscribe to us.

What about my sweatshirt sponsorship?

-Who cares? -What? But that has to...

[calm film music]

WHAT NOT TO DO

1. Accept the invitation to a fancy hotel suite

2. Not even from the head of a record label

3. Especially when a creep opens the door

"Look Left!!!" "I can only laugh" "Who is the weird guy" "Call the police!"

"Bitches with FANGS? WHAT‽"

"Rehearsing for ComicCon?"

"..evil twins, my favorite!"

"Shit connection"

You dare touch my queen?

I will feast and suck you dry!

f - F — FUCK YOU!

Fuck me? Fuck your jacket, you look ridiculous.

Hard to take you seriously when your face looks like a bloody asshole

[HOW TO DRAIN VAMPIRE BLOOD]

[CHECKLIST] Water... Alcohol... etc...

Step 1 Fill machine with distilled water

Step 2 Clean injection site

Step 3 Tape down the injection needle

Step 4 Ensure everything is properly connected

Step 5 Hit the transfusion machine like an old Nintendo (important)

Step 6 Find the reverse switch.

Step 7 Flip the reverse switch

WARNING: People may violently awaken. Please hold tightly.