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1
00:00:01,503 --> 00:00:03,754
It's morning again
in New Utopia.
2
00:00:03,755 --> 00:00:05,506
The sun is shining.
3
00:00:05,507 --> 00:00:07,049
The goats are screaming.
4
00:00:07,050 --> 00:00:08,509
[goat screaming]
5
00:00:08,510 --> 00:00:09,885
Um, and I'm still here
6
00:00:09,886 --> 00:00:11,512
despite the fact
that last night,
7
00:00:11,513 --> 00:00:13,806
I witnessed beloved
character actor Alan Tudyk
8
00:00:13,807 --> 00:00:16,100
get ritualistically
murdered by my dad's cult
9
00:00:16,101 --> 00:00:17,226
that I just inherited.
10
00:00:17,227 --> 00:00:19,061
All: Fresh blood!
11
00:00:19,062 --> 00:00:20,396
Fresh...
12
00:00:20,397 --> 00:00:22,398
Sure, yesterday was a lot.
13
00:00:22,399 --> 00:00:24,650
And yeah, part of
me is terrified
14
00:00:24,651 --> 00:00:26,777
I made a huge mistake in
agreeing to be their leader.
15
00:00:26,778 --> 00:00:29,613
But I can change this place.
16
00:00:29,614 --> 00:00:31,323
I just need to stay positive
17
00:00:31,324 --> 00:00:32,783
and try not to get
too freaked out.
18
00:00:32,784 --> 00:00:34,159
Petey, good morning.
19
00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:36,161
[screams] Who the
[bleep] are you?
20
00:00:36,162 --> 00:00:38,497
Me? Oh, I'm a human Shih Tzu.
21
00:00:38,498 --> 00:00:40,207
For years, your
father trusted me
22
00:00:40,208 --> 00:00:42,001
to warm his bed in the
early morning hours,
23
00:00:42,002 --> 00:00:43,627
sort of like a regular Shih Tzu,
24
00:00:43,628 --> 00:00:45,754
only I'm a person.
25
00:00:45,755 --> 00:00:48,257
My dad made you lay on his feet?
26
00:00:48,258 --> 00:00:50,759
Your dad let me lie on his feet.
27
00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:52,136
You lay an object.
28
00:00:52,137 --> 00:00:54,763
You lie on a man's feet
to get into heaven.
29
00:00:54,764 --> 00:00:57,141
Oh, boy, it feels
good to be back.
30
00:00:57,142 --> 00:01:00,352
There's your limb stretcher,
your pleasant bird sound maker,
31
00:01:00,353 --> 00:01:04,064
your Metamucil holder, and
your correspondence reader.
32
00:01:04,065 --> 00:01:06,650
Text from ex-fianc๏ฟฝ Brian
reads, "Where are you?"
33
00:01:06,651 --> 00:01:08,694
Text from Mom reads,
"What have you done?"
34
00:01:08,695 --> 00:01:11,363
Text from BFF Ella reads,
"Hey, bread factory!
35
00:01:11,364 --> 00:01:13,198
"You forgot your
yeast infection meds
36
00:01:13,199 --> 00:01:14,450
"and prescription underpants.
37
00:01:14,451 --> 00:01:15,659
"Drop a pin, bitch.
38
00:01:15,660 --> 00:01:16,869
"Sorry for stealing your fianc๏ฟฝ
39
00:01:16,870 --> 00:01:18,078
and for the way I've
said all this..."
40
00:01:18,079 --> 00:01:20,331
That's enough, thank you.
41
00:01:20,332 --> 00:01:22,249
Can you please walk me now?
42
00:01:22,250 --> 00:01:24,960
[upbeat music]
43
00:01:24,961 --> 00:01:28,005
? ?
44
00:01:28,006 --> 00:01:29,965
[quirky folk music]
45
00:01:29,966 --> 00:01:32,635
[crowd cheering]
46
00:01:32,636 --> 00:01:36,597
? ?
47
00:01:36,598 --> 00:01:37,682
[goat baas]
48
00:01:39,476 --> 00:01:40,526
[goat screams]
49
00:01:41,728 --> 00:01:43,937
OK, Petey, see something normal.
50
00:01:43,938 --> 00:01:46,273
Oh, there you are,
Miss Sleepy Buns.
51
00:01:46,274 --> 00:01:47,816
We've been waiting for you.
52
00:01:47,817 --> 00:01:49,568
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
53
00:01:49,569 --> 00:01:51,362
You all don't have to do that.
54
00:01:51,363 --> 00:01:52,404
Thank you.
55
00:01:52,405 --> 00:01:53,572
No pageantry?
56
00:01:53,573 --> 00:01:55,032
Oh, I just mean,
57
00:01:55,033 --> 00:01:57,201
I'm new to this whole
"being a leader" thing,
58
00:01:57,202 --> 00:01:58,827
so if it's cool with everybody,
59
00:01:58,828 --> 00:02:00,996
I'd rather skip the
hoopla and get to work.
60
00:02:00,997 --> 00:02:02,164
Work?
61
00:02:02,165 --> 00:02:03,791
Right, what does
my job look like?
62
00:02:03,792 --> 00:02:05,084
Job?
63
00:02:05,085 --> 00:02:07,628
Yes, what did my
dad do every day?
64
00:02:07,629 --> 00:02:09,171
[crowd cheering]
- We love you, Petey!
65
00:02:09,172 --> 00:02:11,465
[festive marching band music]
66
00:02:11,466 --> 00:02:13,258
Whoo, Petey!
67
00:02:13,259 --> 00:02:15,010
- The Great Daughter!
- Oh, my God!
68
00:02:15,011 --> 00:02:17,096
You're fantastic!
69
00:02:17,097 --> 00:02:19,890
He started every
morning like this?
70
00:02:19,891 --> 00:02:22,685
We always had a daily
parade to celebrate the fact
71
00:02:22,686 --> 00:02:24,353
that our leader woke up.
72
00:02:24,354 --> 00:02:27,314
Look how happy everyone is
now that they have someone
73
00:02:27,315 --> 00:02:29,274
to mindlessly follow again.
74
00:02:29,275 --> 00:02:31,694
Oh, there's my new friend Eliza.
75
00:02:31,695 --> 00:02:33,487
[gasps]
- Hey, Petey!
76
00:02:33,488 --> 00:02:34,863
Just throwing out this old rug!
77
00:02:34,864 --> 00:02:36,240
[chuckles]
78
00:02:36,241 --> 00:02:37,574
Eliza, for a second
I thought you
79
00:02:37,575 --> 00:02:40,160
were throwing out a dead bod...
80
00:02:40,161 --> 00:02:42,287
And there it is.
81
00:02:42,288 --> 00:02:45,082
So my goal here is
to work with you guys
82
00:02:45,083 --> 00:02:46,709
to de-weirdify things.
83
00:02:46,710 --> 00:02:49,128
So far everything is weird,
and I'm getting overwhelmed.
84
00:02:49,129 --> 00:02:52,423
So is there anything
normal you can show me?
85
00:02:52,424 --> 00:02:55,008
This is the Speechblasters
Training Center
86
00:02:55,009 --> 00:02:56,677
for Public Speaking.
87
00:02:56,678 --> 00:02:58,887
In your speech, I
counted six "ums."
88
00:02:58,888 --> 00:02:59,888
Good progress.
89
00:02:59,889 --> 00:03:01,724
[applause]
90
00:03:01,725 --> 00:03:04,185
Great, this looks normal.
91
00:03:04,186 --> 00:03:07,229
But six is more than
zero. You know the rule.
92
00:03:07,230 --> 00:03:09,314
Get out the Punishment Cap!
93
00:03:09,315 --> 00:03:11,608
All: Punished,
punished, punished.
94
00:03:11,609 --> 00:03:13,944
I deserve this. Thank you.
95
00:03:13,945 --> 00:03:15,320
You made a mistake.
96
00:03:15,321 --> 00:03:18,240
[guitar music]
97
00:03:18,241 --> 00:03:20,617
[gasps] My crush.
98
00:03:20,618 --> 00:03:22,453
OK, say something hot and smart.
99
00:03:22,454 --> 00:03:24,121
Say something hot and smart.
100
00:03:24,122 --> 00:03:26,707
Hey denim ass, fancy
seeing your ass and butt.
101
00:03:26,708 --> 00:03:27,708
Oh, bad.
102
00:03:27,709 --> 00:03:29,126
Wow-wee.
103
00:03:29,127 --> 00:03:31,920
Look who brought back
the weird cult parade.
104
00:03:31,921 --> 00:03:34,298
Excuse me, I did not
tell them to do this.
105
00:03:34,299 --> 00:03:35,424
They just did it.
106
00:03:35,425 --> 00:03:36,842
Nice crown.
107
00:03:36,843 --> 00:03:38,385
Oh, ugh.
108
00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:41,388
I'm un-culting the
cult from the inside.
109
00:03:41,389 --> 00:03:42,681
You'll see.
110
00:03:42,682 --> 00:03:45,017
As leader, I'll make
New Utopia normal.
111
00:03:45,018 --> 00:03:46,977
I'm on my way to
my dad's office.
112
00:03:46,978 --> 00:03:48,395
He didn't have an office.
113
00:03:48,396 --> 00:03:49,438
That's right.
114
00:03:49,439 --> 00:03:51,648
He had a Sex Hut.
- What?
115
00:03:51,649 --> 00:03:52,900
Strength.
116
00:03:52,901 --> 00:03:54,526
Inner strength.
117
00:03:54,527 --> 00:03:56,737
This is where your father
did all his best thinking,
118
00:03:56,738 --> 00:03:58,614
surrounded by his
favorite things...
119
00:03:58,615 --> 00:04:00,449
Big leather couches
with cupholders
120
00:04:00,450 --> 00:04:02,910
and a private bathroom
with a loud fan.
121
00:04:02,911 --> 00:04:04,703
[fan droning]
122
00:04:04,704 --> 00:04:06,121
Well, I guess none
of this is as weird
123
00:04:06,122 --> 00:04:07,164
as it could have been.
124
00:04:07,165 --> 00:04:09,166
And of course, here are his bevy
125
00:04:09,167 --> 00:04:10,959
of gorgeous, pure-hearted wives.
126
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:11,919
His what's up?
127
00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:13,670
Greetings, Cosmic Lover.
128
00:04:13,671 --> 00:04:16,632
I'm Wife Beth, and
I bear sausage.
129
00:04:16,633 --> 00:04:20,886
I'm Wife Joslyn, and I bear
applewood smoked bacon.
130
00:04:20,887 --> 00:04:23,305
I'm Wife Wendy, and I bear...
131
00:04:23,306 --> 00:04:24,598
Stop! Mae Mae,
what's happening?
132
00:04:24,599 --> 00:04:25,933
Hash browns.
133
00:04:25,934 --> 00:04:27,267
Your father liked
to start his workday
134
00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:29,144
with a heavy breakfast
and a light orgy.
135
00:04:29,145 --> 00:04:30,896
- Oh.
- We should clarify.
136
00:04:30,897 --> 00:04:33,565
Your father used the
term orgy very loosely.
137
00:04:33,566 --> 00:04:35,526
We mostly just helped
him with the TV remote
138
00:04:35,527 --> 00:04:38,070
and listened to him describe
movies he'd seen on airplanes.
139
00:04:38,071 --> 00:04:39,988
Well, I don't want any of that.
140
00:04:39,989 --> 00:04:42,241
You don't want us?
141
00:04:42,242 --> 00:04:43,951
No, it's not you.
142
00:04:43,952 --> 00:04:45,410
I'm just not a breakfast person,
143
00:04:45,411 --> 00:04:46,954
or an orgy person,
144
00:04:46,955 --> 00:04:50,332
or a parade person, really.
145
00:04:50,333 --> 00:04:52,626
The only thing I
need to start my day
146
00:04:52,627 --> 00:04:55,087
is an oat milk latte at my desk.
147
00:04:55,088 --> 00:04:56,088
Is that OK?
148
00:04:56,089 --> 00:04:57,631
We can do that.
149
00:04:57,632 --> 00:04:59,424
Emmett!
150
00:04:59,425 --> 00:05:02,386
Petey would like
an oat milk latte.
151
00:05:02,387 --> 00:05:04,346
Yes, right, oat milk.
152
00:05:04,347 --> 00:05:08,141
An oat milk latte with a
milk that is made from oat.
153
00:05:08,142 --> 00:05:09,560
Yes.
154
00:05:09,561 --> 00:05:11,854
Super! Now all you
need is a desk.
155
00:05:11,855 --> 00:05:14,565
Desk, the leader requires you.
156
00:05:14,566 --> 00:05:16,066
Write upon us.
157
00:05:16,067 --> 00:05:17,484
We serve the leader.
158
00:05:17,485 --> 00:05:20,529
OK, stop. Everybody
stop everything.
159
00:05:20,530 --> 00:05:22,239
Let me make something clear.
160
00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:24,241
This is not my
dad's cult anymore.
161
00:05:24,242 --> 00:05:25,826
It's my cult.
162
00:05:25,827 --> 00:05:28,453
And it's not a cult,
and it's not mine,
163
00:05:28,454 --> 00:05:29,997
and it's everybody's.
164
00:05:29,998 --> 00:05:31,540
What?
165
00:05:31,541 --> 00:05:34,418
I hereby declare that all
the weird demeaning jobs
166
00:05:34,419 --> 00:05:37,337
my dad forced you to
do no longer exist.
167
00:05:37,338 --> 00:05:38,797
You're free.
168
00:05:38,798 --> 00:05:42,760
I have a vision for New
Utopia, and it is bright!
169
00:05:45,555 --> 00:05:46,930
What is it?
170
00:05:46,931 --> 00:05:50,309
Oh, that's a great question.
171
00:05:50,310 --> 00:05:51,977
Um...
172
00:05:51,978 --> 00:05:54,354
I'll deliver big speech
tonight in the town square,
173
00:05:54,355 --> 00:05:55,731
unveiling my vision.
174
00:05:55,732 --> 00:05:57,190
7:30 p. m. sharp!
175
00:05:57,191 --> 00:05:58,650
Be there or don't.
176
00:05:58,651 --> 00:06:01,111
You can do whatever
you want now.
177
00:06:01,112 --> 00:06:03,238
Oh, wow, I am leading.
178
00:06:03,239 --> 00:06:05,491
I'm a leader.
179
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:09,244
Did she just fire all of us?
180
00:06:09,245 --> 00:06:10,412
Yes, Desk.
181
00:06:10,413 --> 00:06:11,914
Yes, she did.
182
00:06:11,915 --> 00:06:13,707
[ominous music]
183
00:06:13,708 --> 00:06:16,585
The Daily Briefing of the
High Elders will now commence.
184
00:06:16,586 --> 00:06:18,337
First of all, let
us congratulate
185
00:06:18,338 --> 00:06:20,255
Elder Belshazzar
on his new haircut.
186
00:06:20,256 --> 00:06:21,298
[applause]
187
00:06:21,299 --> 00:06:23,133
Second, this morning,
188
00:06:23,134 --> 00:06:25,385
the Leader laid off
our entire work force.
189
00:06:25,386 --> 00:06:27,012
This is a disaster!
190
00:06:27,013 --> 00:06:29,806
You said, once the girl
assumed leadership,
191
00:06:29,807 --> 00:06:32,851
she would usher in
an era of prosperity!
192
00:06:32,852 --> 00:06:35,354
No one clapped for me
when I got a haircut.
193
00:06:35,355 --> 00:06:36,772
Elders, please.
194
00:06:36,773 --> 00:06:38,774
Do you want to go back
to the way things were
195
00:06:38,775 --> 00:06:40,610
during the Leaderless Times?
196
00:06:41,527 --> 00:06:43,278
No leader to serve.
197
00:06:43,279 --> 00:06:45,447
Maybe I'll visit my kids.
198
00:06:45,448 --> 00:06:46,740
The Great Daughter!
199
00:06:46,741 --> 00:06:47,908
She's arrived!
200
00:06:47,909 --> 00:06:49,910
Never mind.
201
00:06:49,911 --> 00:06:52,621
Now, I have full faith
that Petey's big speech
202
00:06:52,622 --> 00:06:55,874
will provide divine clarity
about our town's future.
203
00:06:55,875 --> 00:06:59,336
Till then, we all
must remain calm.
204
00:06:59,337 --> 00:07:01,171
[crowd exclaiming]
205
00:07:01,172 --> 00:07:02,964
The Leader has forsaken us!
206
00:07:02,965 --> 00:07:05,802
Our existence is useless!
207
00:07:08,054 --> 00:07:09,262
OK, title of the speech.
208
00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:11,556
"A New New Utopia,"
209
00:07:11,557 --> 00:07:13,308
and underline the first "new."
210
00:07:13,309 --> 00:07:15,102
Wait, did you think I
was writing that down?
211
00:07:15,103 --> 00:07:16,269
I'm working.
212
00:07:16,270 --> 00:07:19,231
[laughing] You're
so funny, bestie.
213
00:07:19,232 --> 00:07:20,816
Listen, in my
previous work life,
214
00:07:20,817 --> 00:07:23,235
I self-sabotaged by
getting hyper-focused
215
00:07:23,236 --> 00:07:25,320
on tiny things to
avoid a big thing.
216
00:07:25,321 --> 00:07:27,739
So can you maybe call me
out if I start doing that?
217
00:07:27,740 --> 00:07:30,283
Like, maybe we can have a
code word, like "beep boop"?
218
00:07:30,284 --> 00:07:32,619
Yeah, I'm less of a
"get involved" person
219
00:07:32,620 --> 00:07:34,162
and more of a "go with the flow
220
00:07:34,163 --> 00:07:35,372
and talk shit in
the back" person.
221
00:07:35,373 --> 00:07:37,249
Oh, that's actually perfect.
222
00:07:37,250 --> 00:07:39,584
It'll be like a bestie
brainstorm sesh.
223
00:07:39,585 --> 00:07:41,545
Does bestie mean something
different in New York?
224
00:07:41,546 --> 00:07:42,838
Like, is that a regional thing?
225
00:07:42,839 --> 00:07:44,965
You're literally the funniest.
226
00:07:44,966 --> 00:07:48,176
So what's the first thing
you'd fix about New Utopia?
227
00:07:48,177 --> 00:07:49,636
Oh, maybe make our movie theater
228
00:07:49,637 --> 00:07:51,555
un-censor all the
films about gutsy women
229
00:07:51,556 --> 00:07:53,348
challenging the status quo.
230
00:07:53,349 --> 00:07:56,643
Coming this fall,
"Erin Brockovich,"
231
00:07:56,644 --> 00:08:01,273
the story of a secretary
who stayed a secretary.
232
00:08:01,274 --> 00:08:02,691
Anyway, that's just
a small thought,
233
00:08:02,692 --> 00:08:04,568
not like the complex,
big-picture stuff
234
00:08:04,569 --> 00:08:07,112
you'll share with us in
your keynote speech tonight.
235
00:08:07,113 --> 00:08:08,447
What do you think
you'll open with?
236
00:08:08,448 --> 00:08:10,323
Like, economic
overhaul or unpacking
237
00:08:10,324 --> 00:08:12,200
our traditional concepts
of gender roles?
238
00:08:12,201 --> 00:08:14,995
That's good.
- Hmm, I love that question.
239
00:08:14,996 --> 00:08:18,415
Semi-related, want to see
the standing desk I ordered?
240
00:08:18,416 --> 00:08:20,208
Um, "beep boop."
241
00:08:20,209 --> 00:08:21,543
Uh, what?
242
00:08:21,544 --> 00:08:23,170
Oh, no, no, no. That
wasn't a "beep boop."
243
00:08:23,171 --> 00:08:25,088
A desk is where
the work happens.
244
00:08:25,089 --> 00:08:26,757
Standing desk delivery.
245
00:08:26,758 --> 00:08:28,341
Where do you want it?
246
00:08:28,342 --> 00:08:30,802
Wait, so you're also the
package delivery guy here?
247
00:08:30,803 --> 00:08:33,764
Unlike you, I enjoy
serving my community.
248
00:08:33,765 --> 00:08:35,766
Oh, didn't you hear?
249
00:08:35,767 --> 00:08:37,934
I already served
my community today
250
00:08:37,935 --> 00:08:40,562
by freeing everyone from
their horrible jobs.
251
00:08:40,563 --> 00:08:42,564
Speaking of which,
where's my oat milk latte?
252
00:08:42,565 --> 00:08:44,399
[grunting]
253
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:48,070
Why won't you milk?
254
00:08:48,071 --> 00:08:49,946
You can't just
paint over a cow pie
255
00:08:49,947 --> 00:08:51,740
and say mission accomplished.
256
00:08:51,741 --> 00:08:53,533
Ugh, first you want me to leave,
257
00:08:53,534 --> 00:08:55,535
then you want me to
fix things around here.
258
00:08:55,536 --> 00:08:56,912
Is negging me your whole deal?
259
00:08:56,913 --> 00:08:58,538
Yes, it is.
260
00:08:58,539 --> 00:09:00,791
And I'm gonna keep negging
you till you leave.
261
00:09:00,792 --> 00:09:02,167
Bandit, chill.
262
00:09:02,168 --> 00:09:03,210
She needs to focus
on her speech,
263
00:09:03,211 --> 00:09:04,878
and your pecs are fully out.
264
00:09:04,879 --> 00:09:07,297
That's right, so you
can take your attitude,
265
00:09:07,298 --> 00:09:10,342
your pecs, and my standing desk
to the new Leadership Center.
266
00:09:10,343 --> 00:09:12,969
- Where?
- Where the Sex Hut used to be.
267
00:09:12,970 --> 00:09:14,596
You kicked out the wives?
268
00:09:14,597 --> 00:09:16,723
No, I liberated them.
269
00:09:16,724 --> 00:09:18,683
Now they're my gal pals.
270
00:09:18,684 --> 00:09:20,185
Hey, girly.
271
00:09:20,186 --> 00:09:23,021
We picked up all the new
office decor you asked for.
272
00:09:23,022 --> 00:09:24,815
Yas, bitch!
273
00:09:24,816 --> 00:09:26,650
Amaze!
274
00:09:26,651 --> 00:09:28,652
Let's go redecorate.
275
00:09:28,653 --> 00:09:30,487
Beep boop, beep boop, beep boop.
276
00:09:30,488 --> 00:09:32,489
You're silly. Come on, ladies.
277
00:09:32,490 --> 00:09:35,325
Slay, slay, slay!
278
00:09:35,326 --> 00:09:37,494
Wendy, do less.
279
00:09:37,495 --> 00:09:40,372
[all shouting]
- Silence.
280
00:09:40,373 --> 00:09:42,958
I know everyone feels lost,
281
00:09:42,959 --> 00:09:45,919
but Petey will share her
infinite wisdom tonight.
282
00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:48,296
What if her vision
for the future
283
00:09:48,297 --> 00:09:52,259
is that she doesn't need any
of us for anything ever again?
284
00:09:52,260 --> 00:09:53,552
That's impossible.
285
00:09:53,553 --> 00:09:57,430
But she fired
everyone, even you.
286
00:09:57,431 --> 00:10:01,101
The Leader needs me.
She needs all of us.
287
00:10:01,102 --> 00:10:02,894
We just need to prove it to her.
288
00:10:02,895 --> 00:10:05,689
What can Petey not live without?
289
00:10:05,690 --> 00:10:07,732
Elders, launch an investigation
290
00:10:07,733 --> 00:10:09,401
into Petey's likes and dislikes.
291
00:10:09,402 --> 00:10:10,485
[elders giggling]
292
00:10:10,486 --> 00:10:13,321
OK, speech writing time.
293
00:10:13,322 --> 00:10:15,575
I just need to get my
desk at the right height.
294
00:10:16,576 --> 00:10:17,993
Nope.
295
00:10:17,994 --> 00:10:19,828
No.
296
00:10:19,829 --> 00:10:21,705
No. Oh, almost.
297
00:10:21,706 --> 00:10:22,747
[cell phone ringing]
298
00:10:22,748 --> 00:10:24,124
This better be important.
299
00:10:24,125 --> 00:10:26,501
Uh, hey, yeah, how's
your speech coming along?
300
00:10:26,502 --> 00:10:27,919
Because I got a
bar full of elders
301
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:29,713
who have a lot of questions.
302
00:10:29,714 --> 00:10:32,465
Ooh, business is booming.
303
00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:33,550
Girlboss!
304
00:10:33,551 --> 00:10:35,010
They're not buying anything.
305
00:10:35,011 --> 00:10:37,095
They're harassing me for
info about what you like,
306
00:10:37,096 --> 00:10:38,930
which they think I
know for some reason.
307
00:10:38,931 --> 00:10:40,473
Oh, probably 'cause
I posted a pic
308
00:10:40,474 --> 00:10:41,641
with you with the caption,
309
00:10:41,642 --> 00:10:42,851
"This goddess is my best friend,
310
00:10:42,852 --> 00:10:44,019
and she knows
everything about me."
311
00:10:44,020 --> 00:10:45,604
- Petey!
- What?
312
00:10:45,605 --> 00:10:47,314
I only 'Gram what I love.
313
00:10:47,315 --> 00:10:48,815
She 'Grams what she loves!
314
00:10:48,816 --> 00:10:50,901
Barkeep, give us
your pocket phone.
315
00:10:50,902 --> 00:10:52,444
- Get away from me.
- Gotta go.
316
00:10:52,445 --> 00:10:54,487
Mwah.
- Petey!
317
00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:56,072
You know, for someone who hates
318
00:10:56,073 --> 00:10:59,242
so-called cult leaders so
much, you sure do pop up a lot.
319
00:10:59,243 --> 00:11:02,662
I was doing my animal
rescue volunteer rounds.
320
00:11:02,663 --> 00:11:05,332
Found this fellow warming
the feet of a trash can.
321
00:11:05,333 --> 00:11:07,542
- It's the only thing I know.
- Oh.
322
00:11:07,543 --> 00:11:09,169
Before you showed up,
he was about to enroll
323
00:11:09,170 --> 00:11:10,378
in culinary school.
324
00:11:10,379 --> 00:11:11,755
Now look what you did to him.
325
00:11:11,756 --> 00:11:14,257
What I did? I freed him.
326
00:11:14,258 --> 00:11:15,342
I could be more cuddly.
327
00:11:15,343 --> 00:11:16,426
I can be very cuddly,
328
00:11:16,427 --> 00:11:17,886
as cuddly as you
like, I promise.
329
00:11:17,887 --> 00:11:20,931
I see you're very busy
working on a blank Word doc.
330
00:11:20,932 --> 00:11:22,515
Why don't you quit
while you're behind?
331
00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:24,809
I am not just gonna run
away from my problems.
332
00:11:24,810 --> 00:11:26,728
I'm going to do a
shopping montage.
333
00:11:26,729 --> 00:11:29,648
- What?
- Let's go, girls.
334
00:11:29,649 --> 00:11:31,691
Want me to sit on your feet?
335
00:11:31,692 --> 00:11:33,236
Yeah, OK.
336
00:11:34,362 --> 00:11:35,487
One at a time!
337
00:11:35,488 --> 00:11:37,489
We have examined Petey's socials
338
00:11:37,490 --> 00:11:39,199
and discovered what she enjoys.
339
00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:42,285
All will be repurposed
to suit her likes.
340
00:11:42,286 --> 00:11:43,745
They include nail art,
341
00:11:43,746 --> 00:11:45,080
little gem lettuces,
342
00:11:45,081 --> 00:11:47,415
top 40 hits from
the early 2000s.
343
00:11:47,416 --> 00:11:49,334
[upbeat music]
344
00:11:49,335 --> 00:11:51,002
[gasps] Excuse me.
345
00:11:51,003 --> 00:11:52,921
Is that a little gem lettuce
restaurant you're opening?
346
00:11:52,922 --> 00:11:54,130
Yes.
347
00:11:54,131 --> 00:11:55,257
Are you doing this
because of me?
348
00:11:55,258 --> 00:11:56,383
Yes.
349
00:11:56,384 --> 00:11:57,676
So my decision to free you
350
00:11:57,677 --> 00:11:59,469
allowed you to
pursue your passions?
351
00:11:59,470 --> 00:12:00,971
Yes.
352
00:12:00,972 --> 00:12:03,890
Oh, good things are
already manifesting.
353
00:12:03,891 --> 00:12:08,478
Now, if only someone's dream
was to open a nail art salon.
354
00:12:08,479 --> 00:12:10,855
Come, please.
355
00:12:10,856 --> 00:12:12,565
- [sobbing]
- Please, please.
356
00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:13,858
No!
357
00:12:13,859 --> 00:12:17,028
We now need fewer
nail art stores
358
00:12:17,029 --> 00:12:19,489
and more purveyors of
pants that don't make
359
00:12:19,490 --> 00:12:21,533
Petey's butt look weird.
360
00:12:21,534 --> 00:12:23,493
? ?
361
00:12:23,494 --> 00:12:24,911
Dun-dun-dun-da!
362
00:12:24,912 --> 00:12:26,997
[cheering]
363
00:12:26,998 --> 00:12:29,791
[sobbing]
364
00:12:29,792 --> 00:12:32,168
I kind of want a
big soft pretzel.
365
00:12:32,169 --> 00:12:33,878
The leader kind of
wants a pretzel.
366
00:12:33,879 --> 00:12:35,171
Pretzels!
367
00:12:35,172 --> 00:12:36,756
Big, soft, warm...
368
00:12:36,757 --> 00:12:38,216
Pretzels!
369
00:12:38,217 --> 00:12:40,719
Even bigger, softer
pretzels, the softest ever,
370
00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:42,762
according to "Bon Appetit"!
371
00:12:42,763 --> 00:12:44,557
[both sobbing]
372
00:12:45,308 --> 00:12:47,809
[cackling]
373
00:12:47,810 --> 00:12:50,770
Oats, oats!
374
00:12:50,771 --> 00:12:53,064
[cackling]
375
00:12:53,065 --> 00:12:54,607
Society has fallen apart!
376
00:12:54,608 --> 00:12:56,526
Every person for himself!
377
00:12:56,527 --> 00:12:58,695
And that moves there.
And that's over there.
378
00:12:58,696 --> 00:13:00,322
And then that is over there.
379
00:13:00,323 --> 00:13:02,365
And then... nope, over there.
380
00:13:02,366 --> 00:13:03,867
[sighs]
381
00:13:03,868 --> 00:13:06,995
It's so funny, I spent
all day procrastinating
382
00:13:06,996 --> 00:13:09,122
and doubting myself
over this silly speech,
383
00:13:09,123 --> 00:13:11,583
but after connecting
with the people downtown,
384
00:13:11,584 --> 00:13:12,751
I had an epiphany.
385
00:13:12,752 --> 00:13:15,170
I already did fix New Utopia.
386
00:13:15,171 --> 00:13:16,963
No speech needed.
387
00:13:16,964 --> 00:13:18,173
[explosion]
388
00:13:18,174 --> 00:13:19,966
[people screaming]
389
00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:21,384
What was that?
390
00:13:21,385 --> 00:13:23,011
- Help!
- There's no meaning!
391
00:13:23,012 --> 00:13:25,430
Someone tell me what to do!
392
00:13:25,431 --> 00:13:26,481
Beep boop.
393
00:13:26,482 --> 00:13:29,851
[all shouting]
- Despair is the only way out!
394
00:13:29,852 --> 00:13:31,144
I'm losing my mind!
395
00:13:31,145 --> 00:13:33,146
Remain calm!
396
00:13:33,147 --> 00:13:36,733
Insubordination will be
met with this T-shirt gun!
397
00:13:36,734 --> 00:13:38,318
Ahh!
398
00:13:38,319 --> 00:13:40,195
I can fix this.
I can fix this.
399
00:13:40,196 --> 00:13:42,948
Bring me my standing desk.
400
00:13:48,162 --> 00:13:49,288
[all gasp]
401
00:13:51,582 --> 00:13:53,334
Leave me.
402
00:13:54,418 --> 00:13:56,294
Wow, who could have
predicted this?
403
00:13:56,295 --> 00:13:58,463
Oh, wait, I did.
404
00:13:58,464 --> 00:14:00,965
- Petey, go do the speech.
- I don't have a speech.
405
00:14:00,966 --> 00:14:03,510
Why did I believe I
could seamlessly go
406
00:14:03,511 --> 00:14:08,348
from corporate wallflower
to full-on pope in 48 hours?
407
00:14:08,349 --> 00:14:11,309
Maybe I'm just not cut
out to be a leader.
408
00:14:11,310 --> 00:14:12,519
You're not.
409
00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:14,312
You're bad at this.
410
00:14:14,313 --> 00:14:16,606
Come on, let's get
you back to New York.
411
00:14:16,607 --> 00:14:18,650
What other choice do I have?
412
00:14:18,651 --> 00:14:20,485
Unless...
413
00:14:20,486 --> 00:14:23,196
I don't know... Someone
wants to stop me?
414
00:14:23,197 --> 00:14:24,948
Like my bestie?
415
00:14:24,949 --> 00:14:27,367
Petey, you want to abandon us
the minute things get hard,
416
00:14:27,368 --> 00:14:28,993
just like Erin
Brockovich did at the end
417
00:14:28,994 --> 00:14:30,620
of that 20-minute
movie that I saw.
418
00:14:30,621 --> 00:14:32,288
That's right, I checked.
419
00:14:32,289 --> 00:14:34,457
You didn't even get a
full Erin Brockovich.
420
00:14:34,458 --> 00:14:35,917
It was the one thing I asked.
421
00:14:35,918 --> 00:14:37,168
Beep [bleep] boop.
422
00:14:37,169 --> 00:14:40,839
Wow, you're right, Eliza.
423
00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:43,341
That is just the
pep talk I needed.
424
00:14:43,342 --> 00:14:46,010
- What?
- Yeah, not a pep talk.
425
00:14:46,011 --> 00:14:49,848
Please welcome the bringer
of clarity and wisdom,
426
00:14:49,849 --> 00:14:52,142
the Leader.
427
00:14:52,143 --> 00:14:53,601
Hey!
428
00:14:53,602 --> 00:14:55,061
All right.
429
00:14:55,062 --> 00:14:56,271
Um...
430
00:14:56,272 --> 00:14:58,523
I heard New Utopians
like to party,
431
00:14:58,524 --> 00:15:02,361
but I didn't think you'd
would go this hard.
432
00:15:03,445 --> 00:15:05,530
[distant sobbing]
433
00:15:05,531 --> 00:15:07,699
So speech might have
been the wrong word.
434
00:15:07,700 --> 00:15:10,493
I wanted you all to
do what you wanted,
435
00:15:10,494 --> 00:15:12,370
and somehow, that
resulted in a lot
436
00:15:12,371 --> 00:15:14,706
of you losing your minds.
437
00:15:14,707 --> 00:15:17,250
TLDR, I messed up.
438
00:15:17,251 --> 00:15:18,501
It happens.
439
00:15:18,502 --> 00:15:21,588
I don't have all the answers.
440
00:15:21,589 --> 00:15:24,132
But the leader must
be all knowing!
441
00:15:24,133 --> 00:15:25,842
Our ideology is flawed!
442
00:15:25,843 --> 00:15:27,760
Life is a chaotic void!
443
00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:29,971
Or maybe she's not
a leader at all!
444
00:15:29,972 --> 00:15:32,640
Just a self-obsessed city girl
working out her daddy issues!
445
00:15:32,641 --> 00:15:34,350
No, no, no, no, no.
446
00:15:34,351 --> 00:15:36,352
I just... I didn't
know what I was doing
447
00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:37,812
when I became your leader!
448
00:15:37,813 --> 00:15:40,982
I'm on a confidence journey
because I'm insecure.
449
00:15:40,983 --> 00:15:43,526
I'm still learning.
[all shouting]
450
00:15:43,527 --> 00:15:44,569
[sobs]
451
00:15:44,570 --> 00:15:46,447
Everyone, stop!
452
00:15:49,241 --> 00:15:52,285
Great leader, I am
a human Shih Tzu.
453
00:15:52,286 --> 00:15:54,746
My father before me
was a human Shih Tzu.
454
00:15:54,747 --> 00:15:56,247
His father before him
455
00:15:56,248 --> 00:15:57,415
was a brain surgeon,
456
00:15:57,416 --> 00:15:58,499
but if he'd known
457
00:15:58,500 --> 00:15:59,584
about human Shih Tzus,
458
00:15:59,585 --> 00:16:00,835
he would have been one.
459
00:16:00,836 --> 00:16:03,504
My service to you
isn't just a job.
460
00:16:03,505 --> 00:16:05,632
No, no, no, no, no,
it's my passion,
461
00:16:05,633 --> 00:16:08,009
the greatest gift I have
to share with the world.
462
00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:09,052
Aw.
463
00:16:09,053 --> 00:16:10,261
And it earns me a seat
464
00:16:10,262 --> 00:16:11,596
on the rocket to space paradise.
465
00:16:11,597 --> 00:16:12,680
Ignoring that.
466
00:16:12,681 --> 00:16:13,890
After I'm gone,
467
00:16:13,891 --> 00:16:15,391
people will forget what I said,
468
00:16:15,392 --> 00:16:17,018
they will forget what I did,
469
00:16:17,019 --> 00:16:21,272
but they will never forget
how warm I made their feet.
470
00:16:21,273 --> 00:16:24,525
Wow, that was so
beautifully put.
471
00:16:24,526 --> 00:16:25,777
He's right, Petey.
472
00:16:25,778 --> 00:16:28,112
You don't respect our
line of work either.
473
00:16:28,113 --> 00:16:30,114
We wives took
pride in the skills
474
00:16:30,115 --> 00:16:31,699
we honed for your father.
475
00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:34,244
I got so good at
listening to him describe
476
00:16:34,245 --> 00:16:36,120
the series-long arc of "Monk."
477
00:16:36,121 --> 00:16:39,874
And he never forced me to carry
around shopping bags all day.
478
00:16:39,875 --> 00:16:42,377
I didn't pay for six
years of wife grad school
479
00:16:42,378 --> 00:16:44,796
to suddenly be
told I'm a gal pal.
480
00:16:44,797 --> 00:16:46,464
Wow, OK.
481
00:16:46,465 --> 00:16:49,217
Yet another surprisingly
impactful speech.
482
00:16:49,218 --> 00:16:51,719
I believe it was the
poet Virgil who said,
483
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:53,471
"Let's wrap this up."
484
00:16:53,472 --> 00:16:56,057
Petey, we understand the
weight that's been placed
485
00:16:56,058 --> 00:16:57,809
on your shoulders as our leader.
486
00:16:57,810 --> 00:16:59,894
And that's why the
services we provide
487
00:16:59,895 --> 00:17:01,646
are so meaningful to us.
488
00:17:01,647 --> 00:17:04,274
They express our
gratitude, our dedication,
489
00:17:04,275 --> 00:17:06,442
and our love for you.
490
00:17:06,443 --> 00:17:11,406
We only wish you valued us
as much as we value you.
491
00:17:11,407 --> 00:17:13,283
Can't you understand that?
492
00:17:13,284 --> 00:17:14,617
Um, yes.
493
00:17:14,618 --> 00:17:16,160
Yes, I can.
494
00:17:16,161 --> 00:17:18,288
How is everybody here
so good at speeches?
495
00:17:18,289 --> 00:17:20,039
All: Speechblasters!
496
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:21,541
Oh, right.
497
00:17:21,542 --> 00:17:23,376
Listen, I do want to
change this place.
498
00:17:23,377 --> 00:17:26,296
But in shying away from how
insane things are around here,
499
00:17:26,297 --> 00:17:27,755
I didn't take into
account how much
500
00:17:27,756 --> 00:17:29,299
you guys love worshiping me.
501
00:17:29,300 --> 00:17:31,092
And I see now that I was wrong.
502
00:17:31,093 --> 00:17:32,344
I learned my lesson.
503
00:17:34,972 --> 00:17:39,934
So I guess to fix
the problem I made,
504
00:17:39,935 --> 00:17:42,186
why don't we say temporarily...
505
00:17:42,187 --> 00:17:43,605
Ow!
506
00:17:43,606 --> 00:17:46,441
OK, everyone can keep
serving me as their job,
507
00:17:46,442 --> 00:17:48,151
and I'll stop
trying to stop you,
508
00:17:48,152 --> 00:17:49,736
effective immediately.
509
00:17:49,737 --> 00:17:51,154
[all cheering]
510
00:17:51,155 --> 00:17:52,530
I did it!
511
00:17:52,531 --> 00:17:53,948
I finally did it.
512
00:17:53,949 --> 00:17:58,536
An oat milk latte for
the Great Daughter!
513
00:17:58,537 --> 00:18:00,913
Oh, thanks, Emmett,
but it's 8:00 p. m.
514
00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:03,750
What? You don't want it?
515
00:18:03,751 --> 00:18:06,461
You know, the Oxford
Dictionary defines "milk"
516
00:18:06,462 --> 00:18:08,588
as a white liquid produced by...
517
00:18:08,589 --> 00:18:09,839
Ugh, jeez!
518
00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:11,174
No more speeches!
519
00:18:11,175 --> 00:18:12,259
Fine!
520
00:18:15,929 --> 00:18:17,138
Mm.
521
00:18:17,139 --> 00:18:18,514
Crowd: Hooray!
522
00:18:18,515 --> 00:18:19,891
Huzzah!
523
00:18:19,892 --> 00:18:21,100
Petey!
524
00:18:21,101 --> 00:18:24,020
Crowd: Petey, Petey, Petey!
525
00:18:24,021 --> 00:18:25,731
[sighs] I knew I would get it.
526
00:18:27,399 --> 00:18:29,484
Oh, wow. [chuckles]
527
00:18:29,485 --> 00:18:32,070
[soft music]
528
00:18:32,071 --> 00:18:34,739
Back to humiliate me some more?
529
00:18:34,740 --> 00:18:37,825
No, I still think you're
a plague upon this town,
530
00:18:37,826 --> 00:18:40,286
but I respect a gal
who owns her mistakes.
531
00:18:40,287 --> 00:18:42,288
Never seen a cult
leader do that before.
532
00:18:42,289 --> 00:18:44,248
I can do a lot of
things you've never
533
00:18:44,249 --> 00:18:46,000
seen a cult leader do before.
534
00:18:46,001 --> 00:18:48,127
Oh, I bet you can.
535
00:18:48,128 --> 00:18:49,962
? ?
536
00:18:49,963 --> 00:18:53,007
But I did count five "ums"
in your speech today.
537
00:18:53,008 --> 00:18:55,968
I really think you could
benefit from Speechblasters.
538
00:18:55,969 --> 00:18:57,345
[scoffs]
539
00:18:57,346 --> 00:18:59,972
[guitar music]
540
00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:03,267
Human Shih Tzu, see
you in the morning.
541
00:19:03,268 --> 00:19:04,560
I'll see you in the morning.
542
00:19:04,561 --> 00:19:07,063
Ha-ha! She'll see
me in the morning.
543
00:19:07,064 --> 00:19:10,024
[soft music]
544
00:19:10,025 --> 00:19:11,818
? ?
545
00:19:11,819 --> 00:19:13,486
We're closed.
546
00:19:13,487 --> 00:19:15,613
OK, I know I screwed up today,
547
00:19:15,614 --> 00:19:17,699
not just with the
town, but with you.
548
00:19:17,700 --> 00:19:18,991
Yeah.
549
00:19:18,992 --> 00:19:20,827
I may be in a cult,
but I don't like
550
00:19:20,828 --> 00:19:22,203
following your every whim.
551
00:19:22,204 --> 00:19:23,830
Real besties are equals.
552
00:19:23,831 --> 00:19:26,624
I hear you, which
is why I thought
553
00:19:26,625 --> 00:19:28,668
we could do something
I know you like.
554
00:19:28,669 --> 00:19:30,712
Why don't I tell you
the parts you missed
555
00:19:30,713 --> 00:19:32,171
in "Erin Brockovich."
556
00:19:32,172 --> 00:19:33,673
Really?
557
00:19:33,674 --> 00:19:35,258
I'm listening.
558
00:19:35,259 --> 00:19:37,719
So there's something in
the water making kids sick.
559
00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:38,886
Mm-hmm.
560
00:19:38,887 --> 00:19:40,138
And who takes it upon herself
561
00:19:40,139 --> 00:19:43,099
to strut around town
and make things better
562
00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:45,101
for everyone, but
Erin Brockovich.
563
00:19:45,102 --> 00:19:46,894
[gasps] Yes, I knew it.
564
00:19:46,895 --> 00:19:48,229
- That's right.
- Oh.
565
00:19:48,230 --> 00:19:50,273
The curly haired babe
with a smart mouth
566
00:19:50,274 --> 00:19:51,324
and a coughing baby.
567
00:19:53,235 --> 00:19:54,694
[dramatic music]
568
00:19:54,695 --> 00:19:57,447
Are you tired of
not being excellent?
569
00:19:57,448 --> 00:20:01,826
Would you like to unlock the
full power of the human mind?
570
00:20:01,827 --> 00:20:04,412
Have I got a solution for you...
571
00:20:04,413 --> 00:20:06,456
Speechblasters!
572
00:20:06,457 --> 00:20:08,916
For over 30-something years,
573
00:20:08,917 --> 00:20:12,086
Speechblasters has helped
folks just like you
574
00:20:12,087 --> 00:20:14,464
conquer the art of speeches,
575
00:20:14,465 --> 00:20:18,009
toasts, and general talkery.
576
00:20:18,010 --> 00:20:21,262
Just ask these several people.
577
00:20:21,263 --> 00:20:24,223
Before Speechblasters,
I was anxious, broke
578
00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:26,517
and on the run from
a dangerous relative.
579
00:20:26,518 --> 00:20:28,644
But now, I don't
say "um" anymore.
580
00:20:28,645 --> 00:20:30,563
These days, when
I call my family
581
00:20:30,564 --> 00:20:32,440
to insist they stop
looking for me,
582
00:20:32,441 --> 00:20:34,525
I sound more confident.
583
00:20:34,526 --> 00:20:36,444
Thanks, Speechblasters.
584
00:20:36,445 --> 00:20:38,362
My mom signed us
up for a workshop.
585
00:20:38,363 --> 00:20:40,907
But when we got here,
they took our shoes,
586
00:20:40,908 --> 00:20:43,576
then gave us lentils,
then a guy came out,
587
00:20:43,577 --> 00:20:45,286
and he started
talking about a comet,
588
00:20:45,287 --> 00:20:46,954
and now I'm engaged.
589
00:20:46,955 --> 00:20:49,124
It's been a weird few years.
590
00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:51,467
[chuckles]
591
00:20:51,510 --> 00:20:56,060
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