Original subtitles

It's morning again in New Utopia.

The sun is shining.

The goats are screaming.

[goat screaming]

Um, and I'm still here

despite the fact that last night,

I witnessed beloved character actor Alan Tudyk

get ritualistically murdered by my dad's cult

that I just inherited.

All: Fresh blood!

Fresh...

Sure, yesterday was a lot.

And yeah, part of me is terrified

I made a huge mistake in agreeing to be their leader.

But I can change this place.

I just need to stay positive

and try not to get too freaked out.

Petey, good morning.

[screams] Who the [bleep] are you?

Me? Oh, I'm a human Shih Tzu.

For years, your father trusted me

to warm his bed in the early morning hours,

sort of like a regular Shih Tzu,

only I'm a person.

My dad made you lay on his feet?

Your dad let me lie on his feet.

You lay an object.

You lie on a man's feet to get into heaven.

Oh, boy, it feels good to be back.

There's your limb stretcher, your pleasant bird sound maker,

your Metamucil holder, and your correspondence reader.

Text from ex-fianc� Brian reads, "Where are you?"

Text from Mom reads, "What have you done?"

Text from BFF Ella reads, "Hey, bread factory!

"You forgot your yeast infection meds

"and prescription underpants.

"Drop a pin, bitch.

"Sorry for stealing your fianc�

and for the way I've said all this..."

That's enough, thank you.

Can you please walk me now?

[upbeat music]

? ?

[quirky folk music]

[crowd cheering]

? ?

[goat baas]

[goat screams]

OK, Petey, see something normal.

Oh, there you are, Miss Sleepy Buns.

We've been waiting for you.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You all don't have to do that.

Thank you.

No pageantry?

Oh, I just mean,

I'm new to this whole "being a leader" thing,

so if it's cool with everybody,

I'd rather skip the hoopla and get to work.

Work?

Right, what does my job look like?

Job?

Yes, what did my dad do every day?

[crowd cheering] - We love you, Petey!

[festive marching band music]

Whoo, Petey!

- The Great Daughter! - Oh, my God!

You're fantastic!

He started every morning like this?

We always had a daily parade to celebrate the fact

that our leader woke up.

Look how happy everyone is now that they have someone

to mindlessly follow again.

Oh, there's my new friend Eliza.

[gasps] - Hey, Petey!

Just throwing out this old rug!

[chuckles]

Eliza, for a second I thought you

were throwing out a dead bod...

And there it is.

So my goal here is to work with you guys

to de-weirdify things.

So far everything is weird, and I'm getting overwhelmed.

So is there anything normal you can show me?

This is the Speechblasters Training Center

for Public Speaking.

In your speech, I counted six "ums."

Good progress.

[applause]

Great, this looks normal.

But six is more than zero. You know the rule.

Get out the Punishment Cap!

All: Punished, punished, punished.

I deserve this. Thank you.

You made a mistake.

[guitar music]

[gasps] My crush.

OK, say something hot and smart.

Say something hot and smart.

Hey denim ass, fancy seeing your ass and butt.

Oh, bad.

Wow-wee.

Look who brought back the weird cult parade.

Excuse me, I did not tell them to do this.

They just did it.

Nice crown.

Oh, ugh.

I'm un-culting the cult from the inside.

You'll see.

As leader, I'll make New Utopia normal.

I'm on my way to my dad's office.

He didn't have an office.

That's right.

He had a Sex Hut. - What?

Strength.

Inner strength.

This is where your father did all his best thinking,

surrounded by his favorite things...

Big leather couches with cupholders

and a private bathroom with a loud fan.

[fan droning]

Well, I guess none of this is as weird

as it could have been.

And of course, here are his bevy

of gorgeous, pure-hearted wives.

His what's up?

Greetings, Cosmic Lover.

I'm Wife Beth, and I bear sausage.

I'm Wife Joslyn, and I bear applewood smoked bacon.

I'm Wife Wendy, and I bear...

Stop! Mae Mae, what's happening?

Hash browns.

Your father liked to start his workday

with a heavy breakfast and a light orgy.

- Oh. - We should clarify.

Your father used the term orgy very loosely.

We mostly just helped him with the TV remote

and listened to him describe movies he'd seen on airplanes.

Well, I don't want any of that.

You don't want us?

No, it's not you.

I'm just not a breakfast person,

or an orgy person,

or a parade person, really.

The only thing I need to start my day

is an oat milk latte at my desk.

Is that OK?

We can do that.

Emmett!

Petey would like an oat milk latte.

Yes, right, oat milk.

An oat milk latte with a milk that is made from oat.

Yes.

Super! Now all you need is a desk.

Desk, the leader requires you.

Write upon us.

We serve the leader.

OK, stop. Everybody stop everything.

Let me make something clear.

This is not my dad's cult anymore.

It's my cult.

And it's not a cult, and it's not mine,

and it's everybody's.

What?

I hereby declare that all the weird demeaning jobs

my dad forced you to do no longer exist.

You're free.

I have a vision for New Utopia, and it is bright!

What is it?

Oh, that's a great question.

Um...

I'll deliver big speech tonight in the town square,

unveiling my vision.

7:30 p. m. sharp!

Be there or don't.

You can do whatever you want now.

Oh, wow, I am leading.

I'm a leader.

Did she just fire all of us?

Yes, Desk.

Yes, she did.

[ominous music]

The Daily Briefing of the High Elders will now commence.

First of all, let us congratulate

Elder Belshazzar on his new haircut.

[applause]

Second, this morning,

the Leader laid off our entire work force.

This is a disaster!

You said, once the girl assumed leadership,

she would usher in an era of prosperity!

No one clapped for me when I got a haircut.

Elders, please.

Do you want to go back to the way things were

during the Leaderless Times?

No leader to serve.

Maybe I'll visit my kids.

The Great Daughter!

She's arrived!

Never mind.

Now, I have full faith that Petey's big speech

will provide divine clarity about our town's future.

Till then, we all must remain calm.

[crowd exclaiming]

The Leader has forsaken us!

Our existence is useless!

OK, title of the speech.

"A New New Utopia,"

and underline the first "new."

Wait, did you think I was writing that down?

I'm working.

[laughing] You're so funny, bestie.

Listen, in my previous work life,

I self-sabotaged by getting hyper-focused

on tiny things to avoid a big thing.

So can you maybe call me out if I start doing that?

Like, maybe we can have a code word, like "beep boop"?

Yeah, I'm less of a "get involved" person

and more of a "go with the flow

and talk shit in the back" person.

Oh, that's actually perfect.

It'll be like a bestie brainstorm sesh.

Does bestie mean something different in New York?

Like, is that a regional thing?

You're literally the funniest.

So what's the first thing you'd fix about New Utopia?

Oh, maybe make our movie theater

un-censor all the films about gutsy women

challenging the status quo.

Coming this fall, "Erin Brockovich,"

the story of a secretary who stayed a secretary.

Anyway, that's just a small thought,

not like the complex, big-picture stuff

you'll share with us in your keynote speech tonight.

What do you think you'll open with?

Like, economic overhaul or unpacking

our traditional concepts of gender roles?

That's good. - Hmm, I love that question.

Semi-related, want to see the standing desk I ordered?

Um, "beep boop."

Uh, what?

Oh, no, no, no. That wasn't a "beep boop."

A desk is where the work happens.

Standing desk delivery.

Where do you want it?

Wait, so you're also the package delivery guy here?

Unlike you, I enjoy serving my community.

Oh, didn't you hear?

I already served my community today

by freeing everyone from their horrible jobs.

Speaking of which, where's my oat milk latte?

[grunting]

Why won't you milk?

You can't just paint over a cow pie

and say mission accomplished.

Ugh, first you want me to leave,

then you want me to fix things around here.

Is negging me your whole deal?

Yes, it is.

And I'm gonna keep negging you till you leave.

Bandit, chill.

She needs to focus on her speech,

and your pecs are fully out.

That's right, so you can take your attitude,

your pecs, and my standing desk to the new Leadership Center.

- Where? - Where the Sex Hut used to be.

You kicked out the wives?

No, I liberated them.

Now they're my gal pals.

Hey, girly.

We picked up all the new office decor you asked for.

Yas, bitch!

Amaze!

Let's go redecorate.

Beep boop, beep boop, beep boop.

You're silly. Come on, ladies.

Slay, slay, slay!

Wendy, do less.

[all shouting] - Silence.

I know everyone feels lost,

but Petey will share her infinite wisdom tonight.

What if her vision for the future

is that she doesn't need any of us for anything ever again?

That's impossible.

But she fired everyone, even you.

The Leader needs me. She needs all of us.

We just need to prove it to her.

What can Petey not live without?

Elders, launch an investigation

into Petey's likes and dislikes.

[elders giggling]

OK, speech writing time.

I just need to get my desk at the right height.

Nope.

No.

No. Oh, almost.

[cell phone ringing]

This better be important.

Uh, hey, yeah, how's your speech coming along?

Because I got a bar full of elders

who have a lot of questions.

Ooh, business is booming.

Girlboss!

They're not buying anything.

They're harassing me for info about what you like,

which they think I know for some reason.

Oh, probably 'cause I posted a pic

with you with the caption,

"This goddess is my best friend,

and she knows everything about me."

- Petey! - What?

I only 'Gram what I love.

She 'Grams what she loves!

Barkeep, give us your pocket phone.

- Get away from me. - Gotta go.

Mwah. - Petey!

You know, for someone who hates

so-called cult leaders so much, you sure do pop up a lot.

I was doing my animal rescue volunteer rounds.

Found this fellow warming the feet of a trash can.

- It's the only thing I know. - Oh.

Before you showed up, he was about to enroll

in culinary school.

Now look what you did to him.

What I did? I freed him.

I could be more cuddly.

I can be very cuddly,

as cuddly as you like, I promise.

I see you're very busy working on a blank Word doc.

Why don't you quit while you're behind?

I am not just gonna run away from my problems.

I'm going to do a shopping montage.

- What? - Let's go, girls.

Want me to sit on your feet?

Yeah, OK.

One at a time!

We have examined Petey's socials

and discovered what she enjoys.

All will be repurposed to suit her likes.

They include nail art,

little gem lettuces,

top 40 hits from the early 2000s.

[upbeat music]

[gasps] Excuse me.

Is that a little gem lettuce restaurant you're opening?

Yes.

Are you doing this because of me?

Yes.

So my decision to free you

allowed you to pursue your passions?

Yes.

Oh, good things are already manifesting.

Now, if only someone's dream was to open a nail art salon.

Come, please.

- [sobbing] - Please, please.

No!

We now need fewer nail art stores

and more purveyors of pants that don't make

Petey's butt look weird.

? ?

Dun-dun-dun-da!

[cheering]

[sobbing]

I kind of want a big soft pretzel.

The leader kind of wants a pretzel.

Pretzels!

Big, soft, warm...

Pretzels!

Even bigger, softer pretzels, the softest ever,

according to "Bon Appetit"!

[both sobbing]

[cackling]

Oats, oats!

[cackling]

Society has fallen apart!

Every person for himself!

And that moves there. And that's over there.

And then that is over there.

And then... nope, over there.

[sighs]

It's so funny, I spent all day procrastinating

and doubting myself over this silly speech,

but after connecting with the people downtown,

I had an epiphany.

I already did fix New Utopia.

No speech needed.

[explosion]

[people screaming]

What was that?

- Help! - There's no meaning!

Someone tell me what to do!

Beep boop.

[all shouting] - Despair is the only way out!

I'm losing my mind!

Remain calm!

Insubordination will be met with this T-shirt gun!

Ahh!

I can fix this. I can fix this.

Bring me my standing desk.

[all gasp]

Leave me.

Wow, who could have predicted this?

Oh, wait, I did.

- Petey, go do the speech. - I don't have a speech.

Why did I believe I could seamlessly go

from corporate wallflower to full-on pope in 48 hours?

Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a leader.

You're not.

You're bad at this.

Come on, let's get you back to New York.

What other choice do I have?

Unless...

I don't know... Someone wants to stop me?

Like my bestie?

Petey, you want to abandon us the minute things get hard,

just like Erin Brockovich did at the end

of that 20-minute movie that I saw.

That's right, I checked.

You didn't even get a full Erin Brockovich.

It was the one thing I asked.

Beep [bleep] boop.

Wow, you're right, Eliza.

That is just the pep talk I needed.

- What? - Yeah, not a pep talk.

Please welcome the bringer of clarity and wisdom,

the Leader.

Hey!

All right.

Um...

I heard New Utopians like to party,

but I didn't think you'd would go this hard.

[distant sobbing]

So speech might have been the wrong word.

I wanted you all to do what you wanted,

and somehow, that resulted in a lot

of you losing your minds.

TLDR, I messed up.

It happens.

I don't have all the answers.

But the leader must be all knowing!

Our ideology is flawed!

Life is a chaotic void!

Or maybe she's not a leader at all!

Just a self-obsessed city girl working out her daddy issues!

No, no, no, no, no.

I just... I didn't know what I was doing

when I became your leader!

I'm on a confidence journey because I'm insecure.

I'm still learning. [all shouting]

[sobs]

Everyone, stop!

Great leader, I am a human Shih Tzu.

My father before me was a human Shih Tzu.

His father before him

was a brain surgeon,

but if he'd known

about human Shih Tzus,

he would have been one.

My service to you isn't just a job.

No, no, no, no, no, it's my passion,

the greatest gift I have to share with the world.

Aw.

And it earns me a seat

on the rocket to space paradise.

Ignoring that.

After I'm gone,

people will forget what I said,

they will forget what I did,

but they will never forget how warm I made their feet.

Wow, that was so beautifully put.

He's right, Petey.

You don't respect our line of work either.

We wives took pride in the skills

we honed for your father.

I got so good at listening to him describe

the series-long arc of "Monk."

And he never forced me to carry around shopping bags all day.

I didn't pay for six years of wife grad school

to suddenly be told I'm a gal pal.

Wow, OK.

Yet another surprisingly impactful speech.

I believe it was the poet Virgil who said,

"Let's wrap this up."

Petey, we understand the weight that's been placed

on your shoulders as our leader.

And that's why the services we provide

are so meaningful to us.

They express our gratitude, our dedication,

and our love for you.

We only wish you valued us as much as we value you.

Can't you understand that?

Um, yes.

Yes, I can.

How is everybody here so good at speeches?

All: Speechblasters!

Oh, right.

Listen, I do want to change this place.

But in shying away from how insane things are around here,

I didn't take into account how much

you guys love worshiping me.

And I see now that I was wrong.

I learned my lesson.

So I guess to fix the problem I made,

why don't we say temporarily...

Ow!

OK, everyone can keep serving me as their job,

and I'll stop trying to stop you,

effective immediately.

[all cheering]

I did it!

I finally did it.

An oat milk latte for the Great Daughter!

Oh, thanks, Emmett, but it's 8:00 p. m.

What? You don't want it?

You know, the Oxford Dictionary defines "milk"

as a white liquid produced by...

Ugh, jeez!

No more speeches!

Fine!

Mm.

Crowd: Hooray!

Huzzah!

Petey!

Crowd: Petey, Petey, Petey!

[sighs] I knew I would get it.

Oh, wow. [chuckles]

[soft music]

Back to humiliate me some more?

No, I still think you're a plague upon this town,

but I respect a gal who owns her mistakes.

Never seen a cult leader do that before.

I can do a lot of things you've never

seen a cult leader do before.

Oh, I bet you can.

? ?

But I did count five "ums" in your speech today.

I really think you could benefit from Speechblasters.

[scoffs]

[guitar music]

Human Shih Tzu, see you in the morning.

I'll see you in the morning.

Ha-ha! She'll see me in the morning.

[soft music]

? ?

We're closed.

OK, I know I screwed up today,

not just with the town, but with you.

Yeah.

I may be in a cult, but I don't like

following your every whim.

Real besties are equals.

I hear you, which is why I thought

we could do something I know you like.

Why don't I tell you the parts you missed

in "Erin Brockovich."

Really?

I'm listening.

So there's something in the water making kids sick.

Mm-hmm.

And who takes it upon herself

to strut around town and make things better

for everyone, but Erin Brockovich.

[gasps] Yes, I knew it.

- That's right. - Oh.

The curly haired babe with a smart mouth

and a coughing baby.

[dramatic music]

Are you tired of not being excellent?

Would you like to unlock the full power of the human mind?

Have I got a solution for you...

Speechblasters!

For over 30-something years,

Speechblasters has helped folks just like you

conquer the art of speeches,

toasts, and general talkery.

Just ask these several people.

Before Speechblasters, I was anxious, broke

and on the run from a dangerous relative.

But now, I don't say "um" anymore.

These days, when I call my family

to insist they stop looking for me,

I sound more confident.

Thanks, Speechblasters.

My mom signed us up for a workshop.

But when we got here, they took our shoes,

then gave us lentils, then a guy came out,

and he started talking about a comet,

and now I'm engaged.

It's been a weird few years.

[chuckles]

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