All language subtitles for Praise Petey s01e01 Taxi to the South.eng

New York City.
Ever heard of it?

? Uh-huh, yeah ?

[groovy pop music]

? Yeah ?

That's me walking.

I'm Petey,
a girl with a boy's name,

so you're allowed to like me.

My days are filled
with typical New York stuff:

getting a coffee
on my way to coffee,

therapy, more therapy,
therapy again,

jaywalking to a museum,

avoiding the train piss bottle,

looking relieved yet somber

as a giant monster is murdered,

and, of course, Broadway.

I had it all, the perfect job

as a senior assistant
editorial assistant

at the biggest
fashion magazine in Midtown.

Mm, good clothes, bad clothes,
good clothes, bad clothes.

Well, time for lunch.

Sure, I'd been an assistant
for eight years,

but they let me take home
the stale bagels

at the end of the day.
Girl boss!

? ?

We need to pick a page.

If only we knew which was
going to be in this month,

shirt or pants.
Any ideas?

- Shirt covers the top!
- Pants cover the bottom!

[quietly]
Jumpsuit covers both.

[all gasp]

What, me?
I didn't say anything.

[laughs]

[laughter]
- Ugh.

Sure, I've spent my whole life

terrified of speaking up

because of a complete lack
of sense of self,

but who knows?

Maybe that's what landed me
the perfect fianc�.

He was the best man New York
had to offer.

[romantic jazz music]

God, you make sense on paper.
[board clatters]

[giggles]
Oh, my God, Brian, not here.

God.
[laughs]

I guess you could
say I had it all:

a man, a job, and an apartment.

Wait, that's three things.

I guess you could say
I had three things,

and none of them will ever
completely fall apart.

[upbeat music]

? ?

[quirky folk music]

? ?

[exhales sharply]

[goat bleats]

[screams]

My whole life was perfect,

but none of it was ever enough
for my socialite mother,

White St. Barts.

She runs a charity
for unwed dogs.

Ms. St. Barts, your daughter
is here to see you.

What on earth is a daughter?

It's like a son but a girl.

This generation
has a word for everything.

I can't keep up.
[door buzzes]

Hi, Mother.

I brought you an expensive
yet meaningful pastry

from the bakery we used to go to

when I was little.
- [sighs]

How thoughtful.

Now, what is it
you want from me,

money, a lawyer?

If it's an apology you're after,

I'd prefer
to just write a check.

- You called me, Mother.
- Right, of course.

I called you here
because there's a wedding

I have to go to next month
that I'm absolutely dreading.

- Oh, Mother, that's...
- I know, I know.

Why not just send a cold gift
with my regrets?

Mother.

The only reason I'm going

is that I'm the mother
of the bride.

Oh, right, that's you.

Um, here.
- What's this?

I wanted to pretend
I had a gift,

but it's actually the VHS tape
I've been hiding from you.

Honestly, it's the worst thing
I could have possibly grabbed.

[sighs]

Well, now
that you're holding it,

it's a message from your father.

[gasps]
I have a father?

Well, not anymore.
He's dead.

- I have a dead father?
- I'll get my checkbook.

Dearest, sweetest,
loveliest Petra,

It's me, your father!

Yeah, I'm sorry
I wasn't around much

when you were growing up,
you know,

but I was busy working
on something so cool,

and if you're watching this,
that means two things:

I'm dead, and now
that cool thing is all yours.

The community of New Utopia...

West Carolina.

[enchanting music]

Wow, what a nice town I made.

[grunts]
Go get it.

There you go.

Now, I know you're a city girl.
I do.

I was a city boy myself.
We have that in common.

Yeah, there's only one problem,
I'm not a city boy anymore.

I'm a country old man.

[laughter]

Okay, now once you grow up,

I'm sure you'll be
a decisive, opinionated,

brave, confident leader
just like your daddy,

and once I'm gone,
the only person

who can keep this place going
is you

because you're the only me
that's younger.

Does it... does that make sense?

[laughter]

[chuckling]
Does it make sense?

We need fresh blood around here.

[townsfolk speaking together]
We love you, Petey!

Yeah, look at them!
They love you!

[chuckles]

Whoa.

Security, there's some
random woman in my office.

Tonight on
"Hot People Over-Sharing

Their Trauma
and Then Kissing"...

My mom got really sick.

My dad exploded.

[tender music]

Wow, a whole town or whatever?

That's a dope inheritance.
Are you gonna take it?

No way.

What about my job, my apartment?

And what about Brian?
He can't leave now.

He just got a big raise.

Well, what if you went out
for a little bit?

Just to test it out.

You could get to know
about your dad

and touch a cow.

I mean, maybe you'll like
living in the country

and not getting married
to Brian.

Wait a minute.
What's on your lip?

[gasps]
That?

It's... oh.
- Oh, my God.

A splinter?
That means...

- Oh, God.
- [gasps]

Brian? With my best friend?

- It's not what it looks like.
- This cannot be happening.

You know there's no good guys
in New York.

I mean, what woman
could say no to him?

I am done with both of you.
[door slams]

[sobbing]

[phone chiming]

My female boss.

We just got the numbers

from the magazine
we published today.

The one on shirt?

They're the worst
we've ever had.

Turns out the answer
was jumpsuit.

Ugh, but I said that.

No, you whispered it
under your breath,

then called yourself dumb,
then you did a little shimmy.

Oof, did I say
the dumb part out loud?

[laughs]
I'm dumb.

I'm sorry, Petey.

We have a zero-tolerance policy

for women
calling themselves dumb.

You're fired.

No!

[flames whoosh]

My apartment!

Sorry, I knocked over
every candle.

Ugh.

Wait, Petey, stop.
Where are you going?

Taxi!

Taxi to the South!
[horn beeps]

I was feeling really sad

after my whole life
literally burned down.

I just needed to lay low
for a while

and figure out my next move
in my dead dad's weird town.

[chickens clucking]
[goats bleating]

Ugh.
[groans]

[grunts]

[bright country music]

[phone beeps]
Ugh, no service.

This is not New York.
Oh!

[spitting]

Uh, I'm walking here.
[grunts]

Oh, ugh.

[groans]

[gasps]

No, not my tiny shoe.
[gasps]

[groans]

[blues rock music]

? ?

Hello, hot redneck.

Hello, hot redneck?

- Name's Bandit.
- Could you help me?

I'm stuck in this...
This brown cement.

I'll save you
from that there mud...

It's called mud...
On one condition.

Uh, okay.

- You turn tail and get.
- I what?

You take that caboose
and vamoose.

A moose and "jaboose."
What?

I'm saying you better go back
where you came from.

You are being so mean
for no reason.

Don't you know who I am?

You are Petey St. Barts,
and I will die on my feet

like a horse
before I let you ruin that town

like your daddy did.

Excuse me, rude hunk,

I can do whatever I want
with that town

because my dad gave it to me
in a video,

and I am not gonna let
some uneducated,

square state, backwoods nobody
push me around.

Wowie, all right then.
Suit yourself.

But you should know,

your town has
a little gator problem.

[gasps]
Oh, God.

[gator hisses]

Please help me.
- Hey, it's your town.

You figure it out.

[gator roars]

[screams]

Okay, fine,
I'll leave on the next bus.

Just help me.
- [spits]

Shake on it?
- Ugh, fine.

Just make it quick
and not on my hair.

Oh, no,
not what I was going for.

Ah!
Oh.

Gary.
[kisses]

[Gary rumbles]

- [gasps]
- Go get it, Gary!

[bright country music]

Mm.
[clears throat]

Thank you, but as I learned
in my many years

as a senior assistant
editorial assistant,

that contract is not binding
because I didn't open it

on my phone,
agree to terms and conditions

I never read,
and then press okay

to a signature that looks
nothing like mine.

But we spit shook.
You snake!

Can you help me
get a ride to my town?

Help you?

I wouldn't help you
with a ten-foot pole.

But I'm a Southern gentleman,

so I can't just leave you
out here all alone.

So what do we do?

? ?

Ugh, oh.

[groans]
Ugh.

Will you at least tell me
why you hate me?

Hydrangea, you hear something?

What... what?
Oh, oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
Oh!

[chuckling excitedly]

[dramatic music]

? ?

[gasps]

[blows horn]

And honestly, New Yorkers
never talk to our neighbors,

so you won't even know I'm here.

- I'm thinking they already do.
- [gasps]

[townsfolk cheering]

Wow, talk about
Southern hospitality.

[chuckles]
Right, Bandit?

Ugh.

[enchanting music]

? ?

Uh...
Hi, I'm...

The spitting image
of your daddy.

Welcome to the New Utopia Inn.

Mm.
- [chuckles]

I've been waiting on you
for so long.

This day... oh, this day.

[bell rings]
- Um, so who are you?

I'm Mae Mae.

I was your father's right hand
until the day he died.

His right hand, perfect.

So you'll be able to answer
all my questions.

This town has no questions,
only answers.

That was not an answer.

Oh, look at your broken heel.

Let's get that fixed up.

Emmett, will you take good,
long care of this shoe?

I take good, long care
of every shoe.

- Emmett, neutral statement.
- Ugh!

Let's get you
to your father's room

so you can take a shower.
- God, yes.

I would love a shower.

- ? Ha, da, doo, da ?
- Oh, ah, that's so nice.

Thank you, thank you.
- ? Nah, nah, nay ?

Not the weirdest shower
I've ever had.

Ooh.

It's so fun having a leader back

'Cause I help the leader.

Anything I can ever do for you,
you just holler.

[chuckles]
And I mean anything.

Honestly,
this day has been a lot.

I could use a drink
in a fun way,

not in any other way.
- We have drink!

[blues rock music]

Ooh.

Welcome to the Filthy Pecker.

Over there is the jukebox,

and back there is where
men punch fight to music.

Up there's Big Judy,
and right there's Eliza,

proprietress of
this fine establishment.

Hey!

She'll make you
the finest pickleback

this side of the Chattahoochee.

Thank you.
What was your name again?

- I'm working actor Alan Tudyk.
- Who?

I'm the chicken in "Moana."
[imitates chicken]

Cool.
What are you doing out here?

I took a workshop out here once.

Really fell in love
with the place.

All it needs
is some fresh blood.

Young people, alcohol,

a random slightly famous person.

These are all the signs
of a good party.

Wait, is this place fun?

Ooh.
[sighs]

I thought I told you to get.

So you're mean to me
but nice to old ladies.

[chuckles]
Random.

Is your body wearing a necklace?

Oh, it's a belly chain,
a timeless fashion.

That's kinda...
I... I've never seen that.

It looks... bail.

Okay.

[sighs]

What is it about a hot guy

being nice to an old lady
that is so [bleep] hot?

- [burps]
- Yeah, good.

Eh, maybe I'm just horny
and upset because my ex-fianc�

cheated on me
with my best friend.

Weird instant overshare.
I like it.

I'm Eliza.
- I'm Petey.

And I am loving your bar.

It's almost good enough
to be in NYC.

Thanks, I poured my heart
and soul into this place

ever since my last relationship
ended a year ago.

Oh, my God, I'm just out
of a relationship too.

We have so much in common.
Let me guess.

Another woman?
- Uh, yeah, you could say that.

[intense electronic music]

It just feels like
my whole life,

every decision was made for me,

either by the culture
or some older person

who's in charge of me.
- Same here.

Ugh, listen to us sharing our
heartbreaks on first meeting.

We sound like an episode
of "Hot People Over-Sharing...

[together]
"Their Traumas

and Then Kissing"!

- You watch that show?
- Oh, my God.

I never miss it.
- You feel this, right?

- Your ice-cold grip?
- Our friendship spark.

We're gonna be best friends.
I can tell.

I do feel it, but are we
getting too close too fast?

Um, probably not.

Look, my whole thing
with coming out here

is to bring this town into
20-whatever year it is.

Is there anything I should know?

[whispering indistinctly]

Listen, a lot of people
around here

will be fake with you
because of who your dad was.

Not me.

If you need someone to talk to
who's normal,

come find me, and if anyone
tells you they're normal,

don't trust them.

[townsfolk cheering]

What is this?

That there is pool darts.

Simplest game on the books,

unless you're city folk,
of course.

Uh, I was an assistant
at "Money Girl" magazine,

so I'm pretty sure
I could figure it out.

- Want to bet?
- Name your terms.

If I win,
you have to leave town.

And if I win,
you have to kiss me.

Deal.

[Radda Radda's "C'mon
What Are You Waiting For"]

? What are you
waiting for? ?

? Oh, come on,
what are you waiting for? ?

[upbeat rock music]

? ?

[sighs]
Beginner's luck.

Pay up, loser.

? What are you
waiting for? ?

? 'Cause you got everything
that I've been dreaming of ?

? What are you waiting for? ?

? Oh, come on,
what are you waiting for? ?

[laughs]
Get it!

- Why are we clapping?
- Because they're kissing.

Come on.

- I can't do this.
- Why not?

Because your dad ran a cult.
[record scratch]

What?
No, he didn't.

I grew up with your dad,
and it was hell.

Once he died, I thought it was
safe to come back and rebuild.

You being here ruins all that.

Well, I can make it better.

You being here
means the prophecy

of the great daughter's return
is fulfilled.

That's why
I wanted you to leave.

I thought you were being mean
to me because you liked me.

- Who would do that?
- This is not a cult.

It just needs
a little fresh blood.

Oh, yes!
[chuckles]

Oh, here we go.
Thank you.

Ooh, it's cold.

[townsfolk chanting]
Fresh blood, fresh blood.

Fresh blood...
- Ooh, looks sharp.

[laughs]
[townsfolk cheering]

[ominous music]

What the [bleep]?
[screams]

This is what a feminist
dies like.

[weakly imitates chicken]

[party horn blares]

Sweetie, what's wrong?

They killed Alan Tudyk.

He's good in everything.

He's like a boy Judy Greer,
and they killed him

for me.
[gags]

[retches]

Oh, I'm sorry.

I guess I should have
warned you better.

It was your father's teaching

that, on the night of
the great daughter's return,

we kill a character actor.
It's tradition.

You people are [bleep] crazy.

Give me my shoes.
I need to leave.

Sorry, your shoes
aren't ready yet.

Even the shoe guy was fake?

Taxi!
Taxi!

[gasps]

What is wrong with my hand?

Please, Petra, you can't leave.

We need you here
so the comet will return.

Oh, God, it's a space cult?

Ugh, of course.

Boomers love space.

Emmett, the emergency
combination TV/VCR!

Uh, what is this?

Your father will explain.

If you're watching this tape,

it means you've gotten
a little spooked

after witnessing
your first human sacrifice.

Hell, I wouldn't blame you
for running for the hills,

but you're still here.
Why is that?

Maybe it's because your shoe
is still in the shop,

or maybe, just maybe,

it's because,
despite the unfamiliar,

bizarre, and occasionally
horrifying sights

you've seen today,
you can't help

but feel connected
to this place.

I'm trusting you with it, Petey.

Whatever you want
to be different,

you can change.

New Utopia needs you,
and deep down,

I think you need New Utopia too.

P.S.,
who got sacrificed tonight?

Who was it?
I love show business gossip.

Was it Helen Hunt?
Was it?

God, she'd be such a great get!

Well, Petey, will you accept
your father's gift to you?

But the gift is a cult.

What isn't a cult?

You wear your
LurlyLimon leggings

to yoga class
where you hurt your body

to impress the tiny lady.

You get your hair done
exactly the same

as the most powerful girl
at work.

You do everything your
therapist tells you to do.

Our comet's cult-y?

How about
you won't buy a printer

during mercury in retrograde?

You're right.

My life in New York was
as big a cult as this cult.

You could go home
and keep muttering

your genius ideas
under your breath

for the rest of your life,

or you could stay here

and say them out loud.

[dreamy country music]

I do have good ideas.

I should be the boss.
[gasps]

Oh, my God, I said what I mean,

and I'm not doing
a self-deprecating shimmy

to undercut it.

I'll advise you
just like I did for your daddy,

and I admit,
we do need to modernize

and get a little more
young people around here.

I don't even know
who the "Euphoria" generation's

Alan Tudyk is.

Is it Lukas Gage?
Beanie Feldstein?

[gasps]
It's Evan Peters, isn't it?

Evan Peters is 36.

Wait, really?

Aw, I know today was a lot,

but it's just how we say,
"I love you."

And you're not used
to hearing that,

especially not from your mom.

So will you stay, Petey?

[cheers and applause]

[enchanting music]

Bring forth
the ceremonial dagger.

[cheers and applause]

? ?

[gasps]

Bring forth
the ceremonial boo-boo sticker.

All praise the great daughter!

[together]
Praise Petey!

Sweetest, dearest,
loveliest Petra,

what shall be your first decree?

No more human sacrifice.

[townsfolk groaning]

[together]
Okay.

- Anything else?
- Yeah.

We're not wearing
kaftans anymore.

We're wearing jumpsuits.

[together]
Jumpsuits!

[cheers and applause]

[bright country music]

No human sacrifice?

But that's a pillar
of our faith.

I know, Emmett,
you [bleep] weenie!

Hey, neutral statement!

As long as she's here,
we're fulfilling the prophecy,

but she can never leave.

Well, my dead
ex-husband's daughter

who is now my BFF
just took over the cult

I'm a member of.

This ends well, yeah?

One way or another,
I'm gonna stop her...

and at some point,
I'll probably [bleep] her.

Wow, I guess
I'm a cult leader now.

I'm still not sure
how I feel about it.

It's like I got promoted
to she-E-O

of a super toxic corporation,
hey, but I'm in charge now,

so I can make things better.

Also, I could find out more
about my dad

and maybe impress my mom.

Gee, been up here for a while.

Hope they put me down soon.

How big is this cult?

Wow, I've learned a lot today,

like that Evan Peters is 36.

That seems wrong.

I should remember to google
how old Evan Peters is.

Wow, I'm going really far.

I wonder which celebrities
I can get to join the cult.

Oh, I bet I could get
Frankie Jonas,

or Frankie Grande.

Definitely someone
from Freeform.

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