All language subtitles for s02e19 Hogging All the Glory.eng

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Give me that thing.

You color like a mental patient.

Maw Maw.

If you continue
to embarrass us,

we're going to start
dropping you off

at the Korean church again.

She's a terrible drawer.

She made Joseph all blue.

And Mary's got
furry monkey arms.

So what?

Maybe she had hairy arms.

It's probably why she
stayed a virgin.

Good morning.

I'd like to mention

that one of my
Heaven's Helpers volunteers

did a wonderful job
on beautifying

the church's landscaping.

Here it comes.

Does this face
look humble?

It's all a part of the
Spring into Spring campaign

that I organized.

I'd like to recognize
the parishioner

who donated his time and talent
for this project.

But...

he doesn't do it
for the recognition.

None of my volunteers here do.

They follow the example
that I set.

I don't do it for the glory.

I do it for the Lordy.

No. It's not about me,

but thank you.

So you'll be happy to know

that I will run for another term

as chairperson
of Heaven's Helpers.

I'll formally accept
my nomination

next Tuesday,
right after Bible hymn karaoke.

Are those pesos?

Yeah.

I won a bet from a gal at work.
It's all she had.

Don't worry... if Jesus
turned water into wine,

I'm sure he can turn
pesos into dollars.

All right, Jimmy, come on.

It's time to put on
your costume.

Costume for what?

You'll think it's weird,

but ever since we stopped
getting the Sunday paper,

we started making up
and acting out our own funnies.

I don't really feel like doing
the comics this morning.

Come on, Burt.

You know I've been waiting
all week for this.

Yeah, I was waiting all week

for a little acknowledgment
for my church volunteer work.

I was even practicing all this.

Sarah Louise
is running for reelection.

You should run
against her.

Then, when you're in charge,

you can make sure everybody
gets the credit they deserve.

No way.
Do not cross Sarah Louise.

You remember what happened
when Ernie Sawyer

ran against her,
and then he fell off the wagon?

She made him
start drinking?

No, she scared the horses,

and he flew off the back
of the hayride.

He was drunk, though.

But they say that's
what saved him.

Maybe I should
run against her.

It's time someone
stood up to Sarah Louise.

If you run against her,
I'll be your campaign manager.

But only if you let me go negative,

'cause I just don't think we can
win on your accomplishments.

You know what?

I was going to start with
Beetle Bailey this week,

but I think you need to learn
a very important lesson

from some of America's
favorite kids.

Just give me five minutes
to rewrite this week's script.

Okay.

- Is everybody ready?
- I really should be Marcie.

I'm the only one with
an actual lesbian experience.

Maw Maw, I've told you before,
watching Ellen

isn't considered
a lesbian experience, okay?

Ready? Go.

Come on, Charlie Brown.

Do it. You'd be
everyone's hero.

Yeah, trust me, Charlie Brown.

You guys are right.

I think I can do it.

What's the worst thing
that can happen?

This is exactly
what will happen

if you run against Sarah Louise.

Good grief.

Well, I'd like to start
the meeting, but, apparently,

Carl's sister is running late
to pick him up.

Poor blind fellow.

Music's all he's got.

And he's not as good

as most blind musicians
I've seen on TV.

My ears work, okay?

As does my middle finger.

Poor thing.

He's flipping the bird
to a poster of Bethlehem.

Thanks, Virginia.

She's in
the crosshairs now.

All right.

Everybody saw it.

You can put it
down, Carl.

Tonight's first order
of business

will be to formally
nominate candidates

for chairperson
of Heaven's Helpers.

Put it down, Carl.

Do it. Nominate me.
No. It's a suicide mission.

Since I'm unopposed again...

I nominate Burt Chance.

Thank you, Carl.

Okay.

Good for you, Burt.

In two weeks,
at the next meeting,

both of us
will make brief speeches,

and all members in attendance
will vote.

Sorry I'm late.

My mouthwash
gave my Breathalyzer

a false reading,
so my car wouldn't start.

Bye, Carl.

He's good.

As some of you may have heard,

Carl's sister Gwen's
moving away.

Rehab.

Luckily for him, I stepped in.

Next week, Heaven's Helpers
will present Carl

with his very own guide animal.

Isn't that wonderful?

We do, however, need someone

to care for the animal
until the presentation.

No.

I spend half the week
vacuuming up Maw Maw's hair.

I'm not adding an animal.

I would do it myself, but...

since I'm sure Burt
would like to prove

to everyone
that he can be in charge...

I would really love
to help out here,

but, uh, unfortunately,
I am allergic to dogs.

Well, praise the Lord.

Carl is, too.

I hate that pig.

Me, too.

We're talking
about Sarah Louise, right?

'Cause this one
seems pretty nice.

I'm home!
I think.

Mom, you should've
been on that walk.

Hope loves
having a pet.

Maw Maw put her
on Mr. Curly Tail's back,

and it... it looked
just like a little rodeo.

I mean, you know,
if cowboys

in rodeos had
giant old ladies

behind them
holding them on.

You had to be there.

Burt, this isn't going to be
as easy as you think.

This thing is full

of special care
instructions.

Purified water?

Pesticide-free fruits
and vegetables?

You think you're better
than us, don't you?

Guys.

I just heard that one
of your neighbors got a pig.

And now you're not
the trashiest people on the...

Sorry.

In just five days, they're
going to present that to Carl.

We spent longer than that

trying to win
a "hands on a Jet Ski" contest.

And we would have won, too,
if they hadn't have let

that jerk with
the colostomy bag enter.

Plus, it'll give me great stuff
to brag about

in two weeks
when I make my big speech.

Burt, you know how ruthless
Sarah Louise is.

And you're not the
best public speaker.

I just don't want
to see you get hurt.

I could... I could help you
with your speech if you want.

I-I learned a trick
in my public speaking course.

If it's the old classic
"picture everybody naked,"

you can forget about it.

Burt always pictures
everybody naked.

We both do.

Some people have Cinemax.

We have our imagination.

Living with a pig in your house
might sound crazy,

but we all fell in love
with Mr. Curly Tail.

Except Mom.

Twins.

He was cold.

I was afraid he'd
get the swine flu.

What...?

Shh.

He never saw Babe.

Two out of three,
Mr. Curly Tail.

No...!

Virginia.

Check this out.

Curly, newspaper.

Burt, we don't get
the newspaper.

I know.
He steals it from the neighbors.

Listen, I'm going down
to the grocery store.

Sabrina's going to help me
with my very funny speech.

There's no Polish people
in our church, right?

You better be taking
that pig with you.

I don't want to be alone
with him.

You're not alone.
Maw Maw's right here.

Unless she's dead.

Alive.

Leave him if you want.

That stupid pig is on his own.

I'm watching
this TV show

where they find wedding dresses

that look good
on oddly-shaped women.

I think today's
got conjoined twins.

That is a lucky groom.

Come on, you got to love this guy.

Today, Beth tries on
gown number seven

while her sister Tanya still
can't find a bridesmaid's dress

that doesn't make
her hip look big.

You hang in there, Tanya.

Beth found her Mr. Right.

You'll find your Mr. Left.

Holy crap, pig.

You saved my life.

You saved my life, pig.

My God.

You're like Lassie
without all the attitude.

Not even my own grandmother
would wake up to save me.

I was awake.

Thought you were trying to trick
me into giving up the good chair.

This couch is way more
comfortable than that chair.

In conclusion,
fellow parishioners,

I would like to be chairperson
of Heaven's Helpers

so that you can get

the credit that you deserve

without making everything
about me.

You're still kind of doing
this thing with your hands.

- Still?
- Burt!

Burt, you were right
about Mr. Curly Tail.

He is a genius.

I was choking, and
he saved my life.

I told you, he's a genius.

I decided to come
and get Mr. Curly Tail

some of those organic apples
you guys sell.

We stopped selling
organic stuff.

See, the produce is really
close to the restroom,

and without pesticides,

they just can't handle
the air fresheners.

However,
our public restrooms

were voted the
best-smelling in Natesville.

Fine. Then I guess I'll
go out to that hippie farm

and get some real
organic apples.

How'd that, uh,

conjoined twin's
wedding work out?

Wild. At that part
in the wedding

when they ask if anyone
has any objections,

the bride's conjoined
twin admitted

that she had slept
with the groom.

I admit it, you were right,
and I was wrong.

That really is one
magnificent pig.

And you know what?

I'm gonna let him sleep
in the bed tonight.

Something smells good.

Maw Maw.

Please tell us you didn't
butcher Mr. Curly Tail.

Of course, I did.

And if this is going to become
a regular thing,

we're gonna need a bigger
freezer, sharper knives,

and a much better mop.

I can't eat him.

He was a friend.

Get off it.

I should've just told you
it ran away,

and I bought this
at a store.

It worked for
Jimmy's pet rabbits.

You killed Floppy and Pom-Pom?

And you ate 'em.

Those rabbits were stupid
and worthless.

This pig we're eating
was a hero.

He saved my life,
and I couldn't save his.

He was a damn good pig.
He makes a damn good chop.

Burt!

Virginia, eat him or he
would've died in vain.

He would've wanted
it this way.

I'm sure Maw Maw made it
quick and painless.

No, it was a hell of a struggle.

It isn't easy trying to cut up
a pig with a pizza cutter.

God. Okay.

That did it for me.

Who are you, and why are you
always in our house?

I guess we should save some for Carl
so he gets something out of this.

We're gonna have to change
that speech we worked on.

That's a pretty
significant rewrite.

A lot of our best points

were about how you kept that
pig alive for five days.

Maybe you can just
change it to "four days."

Are you insane?

There is no speech,
there is no election.

You are going
in there tomorrow

saying you killed
a blind man's pig.

Well, the election's not
for a week.

Maybe they'll just forget.

Seriously, who are you?

Burt, look, we screwed up.

Okay? Forget the election.

This is what's gonna happen:

We're gonna go
in there tomorrow,

say what we did, and we're gonna
suffer the scorn,

and we're gonna
do it as a family.

I mean, we got through
the Easter fart.

We got through Maw Maw dry-
humping the St. Francis statue.

He was no saint.

Should've seen the way
he was looking at me.

Well, if tomorrow's our judgment
day, might as well enjoy now.

I'm only doing this so you'll
always be a part of me, okay?

God, that is delicious.

Sorry I'm late.

Where's Burt?
I wish I knew.

He left before we woke up
this morning.

He missed a really
good breakfast.

We had ham and eggs, bacon,
pigs in a blanket,

and the blanket was ham.

Burt, I don't know where the
heck you went this morning,

but we said we were gonna
do this as a family,

and I expect you to be here.

Pig-ahoy.

Burt, you found another
Mr. Curly Tail?

Like the Good Book
probably says,

"Have a little faith,
then ye shall find-eth."

There you are.

We're just about
to make the presentation.

Give me that pig.

Come on, let's go.
Let's... going to work.

Yep, yep, yep,
yep, yep.

This is amazing.

I would've thought there's a
waiting list for a service pig.

I'm sure there is.

But you can get
a regular pig like that.

So you just got some
random animal off a farm?

Petting zoo. For $100,
the guy said I could have

any animal I wanted, and I could
do whatever I wanted with it.

Then he winked at me.

We are never taking Hope
to that petting zoo.

Just sweet, right?

Just sweet, oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

I'm not done.

I've also thought
to provide

this pouch of treats
that you can use to reward

your service companion as he
adapts to your personal needs.

Let's put this on you.

There you go.
Thank you.

No, it's not about me,

or the $47.00 that I spent
on the pouch and treats.

This is about you.

I'm smiling and pointing
at you, Carl.

Okay.

It's a good thing.

What the hell, Burt?
He's gonna get killed

being dragged around town
by an untrained pig.

Don't worry,
I have a plan.

Dad did have a plan.

But like most of his plans,
it was crazy.

Dad figured that we could keep
Carl safe by being guide humans

for the fake guide pig.

Good job, pig.

You smell that, pig?
Someone must have passed by

wearing cheap perfume
and way too much of it.

It's lingering.

All we had to do was keep
the most popular blind man

in town alive long enough

for Dad to win
the Heaven's Helpers election.

Good job, pig.

Bless you, pig.

And once Dad was in charge,

he'd be able to figure out
a more permanent solution.

Good job, pig.

That was a close call,

Yeah, it was.

Boy, you saved my life, pig.

It was gonna be tough,

but luckily, our family
is used to doing horrible jobs.

Pig! Towel!

Pig! Bag!

Good job, pig.

Thank you.

What's... up, Natesville?!

It's 58 degrees,
7:32 in the morning.

Okay, pig, time to go.

We're running late,
pig, come on. We gotta...

What are you doing,
Virginia?

Just getting
a closer look at this pig.

Did you ever notice he has the
exact same eyes as David Lee Roth?

Good evening, ladies.

Am I on time
for the meeting?

Right on time. Come on in.

Hello, everyone,
and welcome to

a very important meeting of
Heaven's Helpers.

Tonight we will be
choosing a chairperson

to lead our group
for the next two years.

Normally, the nominees

would each give a short
speech before the vote.

Since Burt will show you
that speeches are boring

and since actions speak louder
than words, I want you to see

with your own eyes
how my work

did not just
give this man a pig.

It gave him his freedom.

I'm going to give you
a demonstration

on the amazing things that
this pig is trained to do.

We are so busted.

I'm starting to think our plan
to impersonate a guide pig

to fool a blind man
and a church congregation

was slightly flawed.

Prepare to be amazed.

This is going to be like
the Easter fart times 20.

This is going to be
even worse than

Jimmy's Christmas
caroling boner.

Now, Carl, I'm going to need
you to turn around.

Wait. This could be great.

I mean, you guys aren't gonna get blamed
when the pig can't do it; she is.

She's the one trying to take
all the credit. It's karma.

Yeah, like that show
with the Mallrats guy

you kept trying
to make me like.

Now, tell the pig
to get your bag.

Pig, bag.

Yes.

I don't believe it.

Lucky break.

Pig, home.

Yes, right this way.

Good. Yes.

What the hell is going on here?

I think we trained
that pig.

My God.
We taught it how to be

a guide pig by leading it around
and showing it what to do.

And giving it pig treats
as positive reinforcement.

You gave the treats
to the pig?

Yeah. What'd you
do with them?

I gave them to the pig.

I can't believe this.

She's getting
all the credit again.

And we can't even
tell anybody what we did,

or they'll know that we ate
Mr. Curly Tail.

Now she's definitely gonna win.

I don't know about that,
'cause I wrote Burt a pretty great speech.

It was basically
the speech from Braveheart,

except at the end, it was like
"You can take our church bazaar,

but you'll never take
our rummage sale."

But like subtle.

Burt?

Burt, Burt, come on.

You gotta focus
on your speech.

I don't care.
She can be in charge.

What? But then you'll
never get the credit.

I don't need it.

Look what we did.

Dad realized he didn't need to
be in charge to get some glory,

because he didn't
need glory at all.

Happiness is making
other people happy.

And after that,
Dad was happy to do

his volunteer work around
the church simply for the good

feeling of knowing that he had
helped make things better.

Looking good, Carl.

Thanks, Burt, 'cause you know
I can't tell.

Great hearing and funny.

You're almost the total package.

Nice.

Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com

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