All language subtitles for chapter12-13

♪ And now ♪

♪ the end is near, ♪

♪ and so I face ♪

♪ the final curtain. ♪

- Ow! What the hell?
- Walk it off, Lululemon.

♪ I'll say it clear, ♪

♪ I'll state my case, ♪

♪ of which I'm certain. ♪

♪ I've lived ♪

♪ a life that's full. ♪

♪ I've traveled each and... ♪

"Live every day like it's your last."

Bite me. I'ma live forever, bitch.

Ma'am? It's, uh,
one thirty-two, twenty-one.

So... big plans this weekend?

Yep.

Gonna sit alone in my house

watching wedding fails on YouTube,

drinking margaritas
through a Twizzlers straw

until I pass out on top of my vibrator.

Hi there. Do you have a second
to talk about the environment?

No. Buzz off, whale-humper.

You know...

I see you here all the time,

and you're always mean to me, and...

it really hurts my feelings.

It does? Because the minute
you're out of my line of sight,

I literally forget you exist.

Watch. You exist. You don't exist.

You're bothering me.

Don't care if you die.

See?

Why are you like this?

Excuse me? Why am I like this?

You don't know me, dude.

You don't know what I'm like.

- Look what you made me do, jagoff.
- ♪ And did it my... ♪

Oh, my God, look out!

- Uh-oh.
- ♪ ...way! ♪

Oh, good, you're awake.

Can I ask you a question
about where we're going?

Sure.

Where're we going? I forgot.

We're going somewhere
that's not the Good Place,

and it's not the Bad Place.

We're going to a Medium Place.

Mm, is there a 7-Eleven on the way?

'Cause Janet's powers aren't working,

and I want some gum
and some football cards

and some scratchy tickets.

Go away from me.

Okay.

Can this train go any faster, Janet?

No pressure, but Jason and I
will literally be tortured

for all of eternity if we get caught.

Don't worry. There's no way to tell
we're going to Mindy St. Claire's house.

It'll be our sexy little secret.

Jason taught me about sexy things.

Oh yeah? What things did he say were sexy?

Lamborghinis, cool snakes, spinning rims,

twenty thousand followers on Instagram,

girls with pigtails eating lollipops,

latex pants, Carl's Jr. ads...

- and sex.
- Mm, some of those are right.

I'm here to preside over case
number zero zero zero zero three

regarding the soul of Eleanor Shellstrop.

The Bad Place has sent Bad Janet
to present their argument.

What up, dingdongs?

Yeah, so basically, um,

the fake Eleanor's a dirt bag,

and these jabronis are gonna try and claim
she's less of a dirt bag now,

but she just stole your train,

and she still... sucks... bad,

and she belongs with us.

Oh, also, check this out.

Pffft.

Nailed it.

I've ruled the fart
inadmissible as evidence.

What I will consider is the recent
development of Eleanor stealing my train.

Now, hold on a second.

She stole your train to voluntarily
go down to the Bad Place.

She was sacrificing herself

because she is a wonderful, selfless...

No, don't, oh!

What's happening?

I should have warned you.

Shawn only cares about cold hard facts.

If he detects any feelings in your voice,

he retreats into a cocoon,

so what we need to do now
is just be very still...

and very quiet.

Finally.

- Oh, come...
- What did he just say?

Oh, because you're all so perfect.

Wow.

So where does this Mindy St. Claire live?

I don't know. I'm out of range
of our neighborhood. I...

don't have any of my normal abilities here.

Perfect.

Well, let's try this way.

Ooh, I've never had to walk before.
This is fun.

Now I'm bored.

Walking is dumb.

Well, given that she's the only person
in the neighborhood,

I'm guessing this is the pl... Oh!

She's naked!

Aah!

Oh, sorry!

- Aah!
- Aah!

- Aah!
- Aah!

Who are you?

I'm Janet.

Hello, Mindy.

My name is Beadie.

I'm from the Good Place, and welcome
to your first day in the afterlife.

What's up, idiot? Sorry, I'm late, babe.

Hey, are you pregnant?

- That's not possible.
- Congrats.

Yeah, so, Mindy, look.

You mostly sucked, but then
you did this one good thing.

I mean, I still think we should get you...

They didn't, but... neither did we.

A compromise was made:

the neighborhood you are in now...

by yourself.

You submitted a list of things you wanted,

- the Good Place provided those things.
- Yeah, and the Bad Place

made some modifications.

We got you your favorite beer.

Yeah, but it's always warm.

On your jukebox, you'll find
every song ever sung.

Yeah, by The Eagles, and
it's only the live versions.

Also, there's some spoken word poetry
from William Shatner.

It's deeply terrible.

You get the idea.

Welcome to eternal mediocrity.

Welcome to the Medium Place.

So what's up? What's your deal?
Are you single? What's going on?

Sorry about before.

One of the perks of living alone
is that I get to just walk around naked.

Huh. My kinda gal.

And I gotta say...

you keep it toight.

Oh, that is the nicest and only thing
anyone has said to me in thirty years.

So tell us everything.

I mean, what did you do to end up here?

That's kind of a long story.

Gonna need a drink or three.

Definitely my kinda gal.

You guys have fun.

This is me and Janet's honeymoon, so we're
gonna go try 'n figure out how to have sex.

So I was a hotshot
corporate lawyer in the 1980s.

I only cared about makin' money
and doin' cocaine.

One night... I had an epiphany, right?

I needed to do something good with my life.

So I drew up plans for this foundation
that would help kids all over the world,

would advance human rights,
revolutionize agriculture,

and just improve every nation
and every society in every possible way.

You were pretty coked-up, huh?

Oh, yeah, man, I was flying high.
It was so awesome.

But... you're not gonna believe this...

I followed through.

Yeah, I woke up the next morning,
I went straight to the bank,

I withdrew my life savings,
and I was gonna start that charity.

Good for you!

And then I immediately fell into
subway tracks and was electrocuted

- by the third rail.
- Ooh...

Honestly, not the type of rail
I thought was gonna kill me.

'Cause I love cocaine.

Do you have any?

I'm just... I shouldn't...

Do you?

- No.
- No.

Yeah... I mean, I was just...

I was just kidding. It was just a joke.

I mean, who would wanna
do cocaine right now?

- Are you okay?
- Anyway, so after I died,

uh, my sister found my plan,

and, uh, she used my money to start the
Mindy St. Claire Rescue Alliance, yeah.

It's actually the largest
relief aid charity in the world. Hmm.

Oh, so the question was...

did you get credit for all those
good person points or not?

Exactly.

I don't know how long my case
was pending or whatever,

but when I woke up, the two sides
had been fighting about me for a long time.

Like a stripper over that last bump of coke
at the party, if you know what I mean.

But anyway, they finally came to
this compromise, you know?

Well, it beats being tortured.

I was about to turn myself in.

No.

Yeah.

There's no time for that
morality nonsense, sweetheart.

This is about survival.

You gotta look out for number one.

Right, well, we don't have proof
that it doesn't cure Alzheimer's.

Eleanor, we've got a surprise for you.

Yeah, thanks, but I brought my own cake.

Oh... I know you've only
worked here a few weeks,

but we have this little office tradition
where we all pitch in, and then we...

Yeah, no, I get it. It's just...

I know what kinda cake I like.

Plus, it's Lisa's birthday next week,
and if I let you give me a cake,

that means I gotta pitch in
to get Lisa a cake and sing to her

and wear one of those dumb hats
you all are wearing right now. No, thanks.

This way, I don't owe you anything,

you don't owe me anything.

Later.

What were we talking about?

What is her deal? Why is she like this?

I don't know, but the meaner she is,
the more it turns me on.

- Is that weird?
- You're my boss!

Oh... say that to me again, but more
disgusted with me, like I'm a worm.

Eleanor was supposed
to be in the Bad Place,

arrived here by accident,

assumed another person's identity,
and has now escaped.

Is that the...

whole story?

Well, no.

Someone else was sent here by mistake.

His name is Jason Mendoza, and I believe
he's on the train with Eleanor.

You knew about Jason?

Yes.

I know that he's a fake...

and that he's married to Janet
and that this entire neighborhood is...

What's the human expression?

Ah, yes... a smokin' hot turd.

I will deal with Jason Mendoza later.

For now, I will hear your arguments for why

fake Eleanor Shellstrop
should stay in the Good Place.

We can do this,

but we must remain emotionless.

I'm talking "Kristen Stewart on a red
carpet" level of emotionless here, alright?

Begin.

Eleanor dedicated herself
to the study of ethics.

I was blown away by her capacity
for self-improvement.

Eleanor is a magnificent person who
has grown tremendously in her time here.

Please, I'm begging you, please.

Voluntarily heading to the Bad Place
proves that she is a selfless person.

Sorry.

I'm getting choked up.

Yes... voluntarily sacrificing herself

and heading to the Bad Place
would be a point in her favor.

However, I've just received word that
Eleanor is not currently in the Bad Place.

We have no idea where she is.

- Well, what the...
- What?

Fork!

I will now review Eleanor's memories.

Her memories? As in,
all the things she's done on Earth?

- Mm-hmm.
- But perhaps

we could take a little break first.

You know, we've been at it for a while,
and you must be tired.

I've been asleep in goo for the last
twenty-nine years, so I'm good.

Call up the screen for
Fake Eleanor Shellstrop, please.

Where should we begin,

"Waiters Screamed At"

or "Cyberbullying of Pregnant
Woman from Spin Class"?

Hey, you wanna grab a drink or something?

Uh, no, I kinda have
my own private time routine.

Thought you'd want company
after being here alone for so long.

- No.
- Okay, I get it.

Hey, uh... where did you get that?

That's not one of my books.

I only have Anne Rice vampire
novels with water stains,

and I've cut words out of most
of them to make pornography.

My friend in the Good Place gave it to me

when he was teaching me ethics.

It reminds me of him.

Look, if you wanna survive,

you have to forget what you left behind.

Take that whole experience,

crumple it up,

throw it in the garbage can.

Okay.

Instead of reading, I will
watch this VHS copy of...

"Cannonball Run II."

Or maybe...

"The Making of 'Cannonball Run II.'"

Wow.

- Very medium.
- Yeah.

Hey, you two lovebirds
figure out how to have sex yet?

No. We tried for two hours,

but there was just a lot of,
like, bumping into each other.

It was weird.

Quiero agradecer a mis padres
por este día tan especial...

This ain't your bar mitzvah anymore, bitch.

It's my twenty-fourth birthday! What!

Hot tiara, girl.

That was "The Crashing
and Subsequent Destruction

of Vanessa García's Quinceañera."

Let's move on to another event.

"Heckling of Mall Santas?"

"Lifetime Ban from Build-a-Bear Workshop?"

"Brief Instagram Flirtation
with Kid Rock?" Oh, no.

This is getting away from us.
We need to do something quickly.

Yeah, uh, Judge...

request permission to speak
somewhat emotionally?

Ugh. Fine.

Dramamine.

Helps with the nausea.

Proceed.

Look, I know, obviously,
these memories aren't great.

I was particularly disturbed by
"Started Fire in Mailbox

to Get Mailman to Take Off Shirt,"

but that was the old Eleanor.

She changed.

She worked, and she studied,
and she got better.

And it wasn't just... self-preservation,

it was real self-improvement.

I made the decision to help Eleanor
that first week, and I'm glad I did.

Because she's worth it.

I, too, helped Eleanor.

Not as much as Chidi, surely, but...

m-my help was more friendship
and sorely needed fashion advice.

Eleanor deserves to stay.

Thank you... for these testimonials.

A ruling has been reached.

Oh, you want to hear it.

I forgot how needy humans are.

Eleanor Shellstrop is a bad person.

The progress she has made
does not offset her actions on Earth.

She deserves to be in the Bad Place.

Oh!

As concerning Jason Mendoza,
I have heard no statements

nor seen any evidence to suggest... oh-oh.

He's from Florida?

Yeah, he belongs in the Bad Place.

No, but... how do you intend
to enforce this ruling?

You have no idea where they are.

Bad Janet?

What's up, forknuts?

Engage walkie-talkie protocol.

What if you're here, and I'm like this?

Yes.

That may work.

Whoa, what is happening?

Is she having an orgasm?

Did I do it somehow?

Attention Eleanor Shellstrop
and Jason Mendoza.

This is the Almighty Judge on High of All
Beings Living and Dead for All Eternity.

My name's Shawn.

We do not know where you are

but hope you are receiving this message.

You've been found to be the
rightful property of the Bad Place.

Either return
to your original neighborhood,

or your accomplices Chidi Anagonye
and Tahani Al-Jamil

will go to the Bad Place in your stead.

- What?
- What?

You have four hours.

Goodbye.

Your Honor, please.

Chidi and Tahani are completely innocent.

They are not completely innocent.

They told me so themselves.

They aided and abetted two criminals,

one of whom was a DJ.

They're gonna send Chidi and Tahani
to the Bad Place?

We're off the hook, this is amazing!

Babe, we are going to be trying
to make love all night long.

We don't have to go back, though,

- they just said.
- We can't let Tahani and Chidi

go to the Bad Place.
They're our friends.

We literally owe it to them.

If they're really our "friends," then why
aren't they here with us right "now?"

Because we ran away.

Are you...

Does your brain work, actually?

Do you have a functioning head?

I think he has a good point.

I wouldn't go back for those turkeys.

How can you say that?

Think practically here.

Okay, you go back,

you turn yourself in,

you get sent to the Bad Place,

and you never see your friends again. Or...

you stay here,

you're safe from the Bad Place,

and you never see your friends again.

It's the same results,

except if you stay here,
you don't get tortured.

But they do!

That's their problem.

Your problem is whether you get tortured.

Now...

if you'll excuse me...

it's my masturbating time.

When isn't it?

We're going back.

- But...
- Now!

Can we even make it there in time?

I believe so, though it'll be close.

- Where's Jason?
- Heads up!

Sorry, Eleanor, but I can't let us leave!

Bortles!

No!

What are you doing, you goon?

Trying to blow up the train.

Blowing stuff up got me
outta so many jams on Earth.

Let me try again.
D-do you have another bottle?

Hi there... Since there's
no Janet here to serve you,

I brought you two a little treat.

Ah, kinda like a last meal.

Not like a last meal...

just, uh...

the final food you might ever eat.

I'm gonna miss these little perks
when I'm down in the Bad Place,

being forced to wear a...

a knock-off handbag and drink tap water.

That's what you think hell is?

Ugh.

Janet, please, we have to go.

I won't start the train
until my husband says it's okay.

I'm sorry, Eleanor, but I engaged
a ride-or-die protocol,

so I'm loyal to Jason forever.

Buddy...

Come on.

We gotta go.

I don't wanna go to the Bad Place.

It's scary...

- like the movie "Ratatouille."
- What?

Yo, I ain't trying to have
rats living in my hat

and pulling my hair
to get me to do stuff.

I'm scared, too.

But we can't just abandon our friends
and let them take the fall for us.

Sure we can. It would be
so easy to do that.

We'd just go back to
Mindy's house, chill out...

I'd get used to room-temperature beer.

Me and Janet keep trying to solve
the problem of how to have sex,

which could take years.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's just pretend that we didn't hear
the Janet walkie-talkie message.

No.

It's time to own up, dude.

I spent my whole life acting like Mindy,

me first, no matter what.

And it literally took dying

and being around a bunch
of good people to realize that...

I was kind of a nightmare.

Why were you like that?

Well...

Let me tell you about
Doug and Donna Shellstrop.

Hey, Dad, just a warning,
Mom's gonna be here in a second.

Ugh, your mother's coming?

Oh, boy.

Hide the silverware.

You mean the silverware
you stole from Mom?

Yeah, but she keeps trying
to steal it back.

I drove here as fast as I could.

You scored free WrestleMania tickets?

There're no tickets, Mom.

I knew that was the only way
I could get you here.

Aha! Burn.

Eleanor...

just because your father and I are divorced

does not mean
you can disrespect me like this.

Okay? We are a family.

- Whose birthday is it?
- Mine.

Are you serious? No way.

That was a... BS foul on Chapman.

And since you both forgot, again,

which means you definitely
didn't get me a present, again,

I got myself something. I just...

need you to sign it.

Emancipation papers?

Honey!

What does "emancipation" mean?

It means I'll be on my own.

All my life, I've been taking
care of myself and you guys.

I work two after-school jobs

because you blew half my college fund
bailing your boyfriend out of jail.

So irresponsible.

And you blew the other half
trying to frame her boyfriend.

It was so stupid.

He was already guilty, dumbass.

I've been on my own
for a while now anyway,

and after you sign these papers,
it'll be official.

I won't owe you anything,
you won't owe me anything.

Well, if you want me to sign...

Oh... that's a joint.

Uh, do you have a pen or a lighter?

You're a really interesting
person, Eleanor.

We should hang out sometime.

Wow.

Your parents sucked.

Yeah, they did.

And I've been using
their crappy parenting

as an excuse for my
selfish behavior all my life.

No more.

We know what's right here.

We have to go back.

Ride-or-die.

Time is up. In preparation
for your trip to the Bad Place,

please put on these fedoras.

Oh, no.

Well...

no use delaying the inevitable.

We surrender.

Together.

Chidi, Tahani,

we're back to save your souls.

Real weird vibe in here.

Was definitely expecting some applause.

You're too late.

You, you missed the cut-off.

But we're here.

We came here as fast
as we could, and we're here.

So...

now what?

Ugh...

What is the most logical decision?

I made my initial ruling.

I established a deadline.

The deadline was missed.

Ah, the original perpetrators are here.

This is exhausting.

I just wanna go back to my
container of goo and go to sleep.

The Bad Place is owed two people.

In my opinion,

which is an objective fact in this case
and all cases always and forever,

you have all done bad things
since you arrived here.

Therefore, I don't care
which two of you go.

You can decide.

You have thirty minutes.

Uh, um...

Don't I get to weigh in?

No.

I am in charge of all matters here
for the next thirty minutes.

Bring me a list
of the frozen yogurt flavors.

We have some work to do there as well.

Morning, Mike.

- How's it hanging?
- Oh.

Fine, Dave, just fine.

I put your mail on your desk, and
you have an appointment later with...

- the Director of Point Calculations.
- Ugh.

Listen, we got the files
for the new crop of incoming,

and the Big Guy thinks it's time...

for you to fly solo.

I get to design it myself?

You've been an apprentice long enough.

You're ready.

Oh, Dave... I'm gonna work so hard.

My design is gonna be absolutely perfect.

Okay... Easy there, rookie.

Starting immediately,
you'll be out of my department.

You'll be reporting
directly to the front office.

This is your shot.

Good luck.

All I ever wanted was
for this neighborhood...

my first neighborhood...

to be perfect.

Somehow I blew it and...

well, you're all suffering.

And for that, I'm deeply sorry.

This is truly the saddest day of my life.

Okay, I guess I'll speak first.

Jason and I are the mistakes.

We're the ones...

who misled everybody and
dragged you all into this mess, so...

we should go to the Bad Place.

- Agreed.
- Yes.

'kay, I thought you were gonna at least
pretend to fight me on that, but whatever.

Hang on. That judge guy just said
everyone here has done bad things.

Let's look at this ethnically.

For what I hope is the last time:

It is "ethically."

You guys helped me and Eleanor, right?

But we're bad...

so you helping us was bad.

It's basic consequentialism:

The morality of an action is
solely judged on its consequences.

Great.

The one time you actually
remember something from class.

Maybe I was brought here by mistake,

but since we've been here, I just tried
to stay out of everyone's way.

Chidi's done worse stuff than me.

He murdered Janet.

He killed my wife!

- I was trying to stop you from doing it!
- Yeah, but you did it!

He who smelt it murdered Janet.

Okay, well, it's settled then.

Eleanor and Jianyu are leaving.

For the last time, my name is Jason,
not Jianyu, the amazing, incredible monk.

Which is why you belong in the Bad Place.

And by the way,

Janet is not your wife,

or your soul mate.

- There's a Janet in every neighborhood.
- Well, I'm love with this Janet.

We did a bunch of amazing, awesome stuff
which almost turned out to be sex.

- And we were married in a legal ceremony.
- It was not legal.

Okay, J-bones, you and me, outside.

What? But...

I'm not going. I don't wanna.

I know you don't "wanna," goofball.

I don't "wanna" either.

But... let's face it.

Chidi and Tahani are
better people than we are.

We tried to improve ourselves, and...

you know what?

We did a good job.

Well, I did a good job.

You mostly fell asleep in class
or made fart noises with your hands.

I could never do that on Earth.

This place truly is paradise.

Look at them.

Whispering away like
two Beefeaters on a tea break.

I bet they're plotting against us.

No way. Eleanor wouldn't do that.

You do have feelings for her, don't you?

I don't know.

Yes.

But no... Please don't make me think
about this again. My brain will break.

I'm sorry. It's just that
I have certain feelings for you.

You must see this.

The universe keeps intertwining our fates.

It's... meaningful, don't you think?

This whole...

romantic situation is such a mess.

I am vexed, Tahani.

- Vexed.
- I'm sorry.

I don't mean to contribute
to your misery, it's just that...

I'm frightened.

I don't have an actual soul mate.

What's gonna happen to me when

Jason and Fake Eleanor go and

you're off with Real Eleanor?

Whither Tahani?

Okay, team meeting.

Jason has agreed that
the two of us should go.

Bye, Tahani.

Sorry for everything.

After I'm gone...

you can go ahead and clean out my bud-hole.

Thank you.

I love you so much, baby.

Promise me you'll visit.

I will not.

It is literally impossible
for me to do that.

Well, it's been real, dawg.

Sorry, that's how I ended
most of my serious relationships.

Yeah...

that checks out.

I feel like I failed you.

No.

Don't ever think that.

I was dropped into a cave...

and you were my flashlight.

Oh.

Goodbye forever.

I will miss you so much.

I'll miss you, too, you sexy skyscraper.

All right...

Ready to go?

Let's grab Michael.

Come in.

Hi, guys. Sorry to interrupt.

Um...

I'm going to the Bad Place.

I'm taking one of the slots.

- What?
- Awesome.

I've been there, I know I can hack it.

Actually, I have kind of a rapport
with some of the fire monsters.

Eleanor, that's crazy.

Y-you belong here.

There's another reason.

Everyone here...

is supposed to have a soul mate.

And my soul mate...

doesn't love me.

I don't know if you love the other Eleanor
or Tahani or someone else, but...

you don't love me...

which means that this...

will never really be my Good Place.

I'm going... so you only have
to choose one more person.

Okay...

that means...

that means that...

what does that mean?

It means...

I get to stay here with my wife forever!

We did it, Eleanor!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA! Whoo-hoo!

This is so dope!

I get to stay.

You realize if you stay,
I still have to go, right?

Yes, but...

I get to stay.

Good point, bud.

Well reasoned.

Wow, Chidi is...

a terrible writer.

This is a real mess, huh?

No matter what they decide,

I'd bet you're gonna be in
pretty hot water with your boss.

Wouldn't be surprised if...

retirement were on the table.

Retirement?

Course, what do I know?

I'm just The All-Knowing Judge
of All Matters in the Afterlife.

But face it... this is your mistake.

Morning, Mike.

Morning, Val.

Which one's which? I always forget.

Black is regular.

Orange is anti-matter.

Working on your first solo design, right?

How's it coming?

Do you ever get the feeling
we could be doing it all...

differently?

I mean, it's always the same.

We get the names...

come up with the design, they arrive,

we move on to the next one.

We never even get to be there...

to see how fun it is.

Yeah, I guess...

but don't rock the boat here, pal, just...

try to do a good job.

Mm... French vanilla?

Regular anti-matter's fine,
why flavor it?

A good job.

All right, nerds.

Let's just get this over with.

I'll go to the Bad Place with
Real Eleanor, and you three can stay.

Yes! We get to stay, baby! We did it!

Wait...

No.

You're not going.

I am.

- What?
- Why?

Real Eleanor is my soul mate, or...

was my soul mate, and
she's only going down there

because she thinks
that I don't love her.

- Do you?
- I don't know.

Please don't ask me that.
My stomach hurts.

The point is, if she's going
down there because of me,

- I'll never be at peace.
- Yes!

We get to stay, baby! We did it!

No, dude, this is bonkers.

I am going. End of story.

No, I'm going!

End of everything!

What? Now you're trying to replace Chidi?

No... I'm going to replace Real Eleanor.

Chidi and I are going to go together, which
means that you and Real Eleanor and Jason

- can stay.
- Yes!

We get to stay, baby! We did it!

Look... I love you,

and I think you love me.

We can be together,

away from everyone else.

Obviously, we'll be miserable, but I truly
believe our love will make us happy.

Okay, you realize the Bad Place is not
some sort of couples retreat, right?

If it is, Janet and I would like to go.

I am going! And Real Eleanor is going!

No, I'm going with Real Eleanor!

No, I'm going with Chidi!

Me and Janet are staying, just FYI.

Oh, that's enough out of you, robot lover.

- Hey, that's racist!
- Not a robot.

Oh, you have some nerve.

Guys?

Guys!

Holy motherforking shirtballs!

What?

Oh, man.

Wow!

Okay, okay.

Ooh... Whoo!

Yo, Mikey! Shawn!

Come on out!

Is everything okay?

Right as rain, Mikey my boy.

So...

Chidi and I are gonna go to the Bad Place.

- What?
- Trust me.

I've got this.

That's our decision.

- Let's hit it.
- Well...

- What about Real Eleanor?
- No, it's me and Chidi.

Call the train.

Point of order.

I don't accept this offer.

The real mistakes were

- Jason and Eleanor.
- Gah, gah, gah, gah!

You said any two of us.

It's me and Chidi.

Let's do it to it.

Michael!

I just found an obscure precedent
in the rules that might just save everyone.

Buzz off, Bambadjan!

Don't need it.

Oh, okay.

Hmm.

Ready when you are, boss.

Eleanor, what's going on?

It took me a while to figure it out...

but just now as we were all fighting
and yelling at each other

and each one of us demanding
we should go to the Bad Place...

I thought to myself...

"Man, this is torture."

And then it hit me.

They're never gonna call a train
to take us to the Bad Place.

They can't...

because we're already here.

This is the Bad Place.

Oh, man!

I can't believe you figured it out.

Oh, God!

Y-you ruined everything, you know that?

Oh, man.

Eleanor... you really suck!

I was so close to pulling it off!

Sorry... So she's right?

Yeah, she figured it out.

N-n-no, this... doesn't make...

any sense. This is paradise!

Oh, it looks like paradise,

but it's actually...

a filthy dumpster
full of our worst anxieties.

I'm surrounded by people who are
literally better than me.

Just me being here forced Chidi
into an ethical clusterfork.

Tahani tortured Jason by constantly
trying to get him to talk.

Jason tortured me because I was
sure he would blow our cover,

which was torture for Chidi,
because he was responsible for me,

which made Chidi seem
like the perfect soul mate.

And that tortured Tahani
because he didn't love her.

- You don't love me?
- Please, don't ask me that

- right now.
- See?

We've been torturing each other
since the moment we arrived.

And everything Michael has done

has made at least one of us miserable.

I had to be his assistant
and try and find myself.

He convinced me to throw
my life's work in the garbage.

He made sure I'd see those
bogus neighborhood rankings

because he knew I'd hate
being second-to-last.

And... I had the perfect bud-hole
and no dudes to share it with.

He played us like a fiddle.

- You gotta give it up.
- Oh, dip!

Eleanor, I told you that first night
that we were in a prank show.

Oh, yeah.

You did! Great job, man.

Chidi, don't go!

I don't care if you don't love me.

I love you.

It's the only thing that makes
any sense to me in this crazy world,

- and I think we should stay...
- No, stop, Vicky.

They figured it out.

- They...
- They know this is the Bad Place.

Eleanor figured it out.

Oh, man!

This was supposed to be my big moment.

I just rehearsed that speech
for, like, three hours.

Damn it, Eleanor, you...

are the worst.

And you can all suck it.

Do you remember what I told you
when you predicted you could do this

for a thousand years?

The time has come...

to innovate.

The human afterlife...

can be more fun.

For us, obviously...

not for the people we're torturing.

Who cares about those dummies?

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

I present to you the perfect recipe
for my proposed experiment.

Four people...

perfectly suited...

to make each other miserable.

I'm going to design...

an afterlife...

where they...

torture each other.

We've tried this.

Humans are very reticent
to torture each other.

Even getting them to do simple things like
pulling out each other's teeth is like...

I can't think of the right analogy.

Uh... what makes you think
that you can get them to do this?

Because they won't even know
that they are doing it.

I'm going to make them think...

that they are in the Good Place.

And to make sure that they
drive each other insane,

I will be there...

posing...

- as a Good Place architect.
- What?

I even stole a Good Place Janet we can use.

It can work.

- Huh.
- Look.

We can just send them all
to the hot spike pits

with the lava and the bees and the
lightning that tears off their flesh.

Let's try something new.

Too many variables.

Too many moving parts.

That's what will make it fun.

I cannot predict everything
that's gonna happen,

but we'll improvise.

We'll... we'll be on our toes.

It'll be exciting.

I think...

that we can get them
to torture each other...

for a thousand years.

I think...

you'd be lucky to get six months
out of this insane gambit.

But take me through it.

How would this work, exactly?

Oh.

Yes, all right, so, ahem...

This is a fourteen-million-point plan.

Um... oh, sorry.

I thought we reserved the conference room.

No, Todd, we have it until three.

Sorry. Sorry, everyone.

So...

Bambadjan and Gunnar and Shawn...

- everyone else in this neighborhood...
- Except for you four...

everyone in this neighborhood...

is one of us.

After I came up with everyone's characters,

we'd just create fun scenarios
designed to... torture you.

How can I be over it? We haven't
discussed it or even spoken for days.

Well, it sounds like you've
had a really nice "vacation"

from your "full-time job."

Get your story straight.

Okay.

They're at each other's throats already.

This should put them over the top.

Ed, you play...

Bart, a former private eye.

- Ooh.
- Tracy, you're his...

soul mate, Nina...

a marriage counselor.

Maybe we can get them to swing with us.

That's perfect, perfect!

Shh, shh, shh.

Hey, guys, it's Michael.

That was really a fun time.

Then it all started to...

go off the rails.

When I confessed.

You had no idea I was gonna do that,

because... honestly, I had
no idea I was gonna do that.

Yeah, that came outta nowhere.

I mean, after that it was just
a crazy scramble for all of us.

You know, I-I definitely...

underestimated how effective Chidi
was gonna be, teaching you to be good.

And obviously, we didn't anticipate
that Janet would fall in love with Jason.

Hang on.

That part is real?

Oh, yeah.

Janet isn't one of us.

No, she's sort of a...

foundational mainframe for all of the
neighborhoods, good and bad.

And apparently, this Janet
is in love with Jason.

I mean...

What a world, huh?

Wait, I don't get something.

I know why Jason and I
were sent here, but...

why Tahani?

Oh, yeah.

Didn't you raise, like...

a thousand dollars
for charity, or whatever?

Uh... sixty billion, actually, so.

Oh.

But it didn't matter...

because my motivations were corrupt.

I didn't care about helping
the people I raised the money for.

I just wanted to...
prove my parents wrong and...

stick it to my sister,

get fame and attention.

My only real goal was to snog
Ryan Gosling at the Met Ball.

Which I did.

Couple of times, actually.

But wait, why is Chidi here?

Well...

there's something...

you don't know about me.

I read an article saying that...

growing almonds was bad
for the environment, and...

yet I continued to use almond milk

- in my coffee.
- No... dingus!

You hurt everyone in your life with
your rigidity and your indecisiveness.

Oh... fork!

You're right.

Every friend, every...

girlfriend was driven nuts
because I couldn't do anything.

I missed my mom's back surgery because I
had already promised my landlord's nephew

that I would help him
figure out his new phone.

I made everyone miserable.

Well, if it'll make you feel any better,

you were the closest to actually
getting in, up there.

You weren't that close.

You were just the closest.

Well, that makes me feel worse, somehow.

Good.

Thank you... Chidi. I-I really
needed to hear that right now.

I mean, all this hard work,
all the planning...

all for nothing.

It really sucks.

No, it doesn't.

This is wonderful.

You saw us all on Earth:

a selfish ass, an...

idiot DJ, a tortured academic,

a hot, rich fraud with legs for days.

Side note: I might legit be into Tahani.

But that's... for another time.

You thought we would torture each other.

And we did for a little.

But we also took care of each other.

We improved each other.

And the four of us became a team.

So...

the only thing you succeeded in doing...

was bringing us all together.

Oh, Eleanor.

That's it!

My big mistake...

was bringing you all together,

h-having you be soul mates
living next to each other.

Next time, I'll spread you out
so it's more of a slow burn.

- Uh, next time?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm gonna, uh, erase
your memories, you know,

make a few changes and start over again.

Hopefully. Just gotta get
the boss man to sign off.

Wish me luck.

Guys, we need a plan. Quick.

Tahani, anything?

Chidi, I need ya!

- You're the smart one.
- I-I-I can't.

- I, I can't.
- Jason?

What? What's up?

Ugh!

What do you say? Take two, huh?

I don't know.

I mean, what is this?

All this work for four people.

And me, I'm wearing a judge's robe?

I feel like a real... weenie.

Look, for a first attempt
it was actually very promising.

Lemme, lemme just...

tinker a little,

try again.

Okay.

But you're way out on a limb here, Mike.

If this thing goes sideways again,

you are done.

Guys, he is going to erase
our memories at any second

and all of this will have been for nothing.

Ugh! You're useless!

What do I write? What do I write?

Ooh! Come on, brain.

Janet?

You can't eat anything, right?

- Correct.
- Open up.

All right, let's try again... shall we?

You know what, bro?

Do your worst.

We figured it out once,
we can do it again,

because you know what, Michael?

Ya basi...

Eleanor?

Come on in.

You, Eleanor Shellstrop,

are dead.

Cool.

You know the way you feel when you see

a chimpanzee and a baby tiger
who've become friends?

That's how you're going to feel every day.

Your medical relief mission to Kazakhstan,

that really put you over the top,

you got a ton of points for that.

Eleanor?

I'm Chris Baker.

I'm your soul mate.

Cool, bring it in, man.

So where are you from, Chris?

I'm from Teaneck, New Jersey.

And I was a mailman.

Really?

Chris.

You'll stand by me

- no matter what, right?
- Hold that thought.

Is it okay if I go work out?

I love working out.

I gotta stay jacked. It's...

- who I am.
- Yeah, you gotta.

Once I'm back,

we'll get to know each other.

Great.

See ya soon.

Hi there.

- Who are you?
- I'm Janet.

I think this is yours.

After I was rebooted,
I found it in my mouth.

What?

What the fork is a "Chidi"?

Why can't I say "fork"?