Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ And here's a hand, my trusty friend

♪ And gie's a hand of thine

♪ We'll take a cup of kindness now

♪ For auld lang syne ♪

Brothers, Sons of the Desert,

we are all familiar with the business of this special meeting.

This oasis must meet the situation with determination.

(KNOCKING)

(GRUNTS)

Excuse us.

I repeat. This oasis must face the situation with determination.

Every man must be accounted for.

Every man must do his part.

There must be no weaklings in our midst.

We must put our very hearts and souls into this great undertaking.

There must be no thought of failure.

We must stand shoulder to shoulder.

We must work. We must sacrifice.

The weak must be helped by the strong.

For, gentlemen, this, the oldest lodge

in the great Order of the Sons of the Desert

must be represented 100%

in our annual convention at Chicago next week.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

We will now take the oath.

And, remember, once taken, this oath has never been broken by any man

down through the centuries of time in the history

of this fraternal organisation.

If any member is doubtful

of his strength to keep this solemn pledge,

he will please be seated.

(CROWD MURMURING)

Get up!

- I don't want to... - (SHUSHES)

Place yourselves in position to receive the oath.

Do you all solemnly swear to be present at our 87th annual convention

at Chicago?

ALL: I do.

Me too.

Wholeheartedly unanimous.

♪ We are the Sons of the Desert

♪ Having the time of our life

♪ Marching along, two thousand strong

♪ Far from our sweethearts and wives God bless them

♪ Tramp, tramp, tramp the boys are marching

♪ And dancing to this melody

(ALL HUM EGYPTIAN SNAKE CHARMER TUNE)

♪ Sons of the Desert are we! ♪

Why didn't you want to take the oath?

- I was afraid. - Afraid of what?

I was afraid if I took the oath to go to the convention,

that maybe my wife wouldn't let me go.

Of course, she'll let you go. Why, she'll have to let you go.

You took an oath!

I know. That's what I'm worrying about.

The Exhausted Ruler said that if you took an oath

that it would have to be broken for

generations of centuries of hundreds of years.

And my wife...

Do you have to ask your wife everything?

If I didn't ask her, I wouldn't know what she wanted me to do.

I never realised such a deplorable condition existed in your home.

Why don't you pattern your life after mine?

I go places and do things and then tell my wife.

Every man should be the king in his own castle.

(TYRES SQUEAL)

Buck up. Go in and tell her you're going to the convention.

Be a man! And I'll see you in the morning.

- Good night. - Good night.

- Ollie, dear? - Yes, sugar?

- Stanley with you? - He just went in the house.

Well, you better tell him that Betty went duck-hunting

and that she won't be back until late.

All righty.

- Oh, Oliver! - Yes, baby?

Please close the door. There's an awful draught in here.

(CONTINUES RINGING DOORBELL)

What do you want?

- How'd you get in there? - I was looking for Betty.

- I came in the back way. I thought... - Betty has gone duck-hunting

and won't be home until late.

- Oh. Well, good night. - Good night.

What?

Do you realise that you've locked me out?

Why don't you ring the bell? She'll let you in.

(TAPS FOOT)

Don't get nervous. She'll be here in a minute.

Where do you think I live?

What do you think this is? Halloween? Come in here, you bad boy. Come on.

- What do you want? - I locked myself out.

- Oh, sugar? - Yes?

Do you mind if Stanley comes and stays with us until Betty comes home?

He's locked out.

Oh, all right.

(OLLIE HUMMING)

(HUMS)

What are you eating?

- An apple. - Where'd you get it?

- In there. - Why, that's not real fruit.

It's imitation. It's made of wax.

What's he been doing now?

He's been eating that phoney fruit.

Oh. So, that's where it's been going.

That's the third apple I've missed this week.

- Well, what's new, sugar? - Oh, nothing much.

- What's new with you? - Nothing to speak of.

Yes, there is.

You didn't tell her about going to the convention.

What convention?

That's right. I'm glad you reminded me!

You see, the Sons of the Desert are giving their annual convention

in Chicago next week and Stan and I are going.

- Oh, you are? - We thought the trip would do us good,

besides being good for us in a business way.

You see, we'll meet new friends

(STAMMERS) and see a lot of new faces

and the change of climate will be good for us in a good many ways.

Besides, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Jack who?

- I hope you have a nice time, dear. - Thank you, sugar.

(LAUGHS DERISIVELY)

- What's that for? - Just this. You're not going.

- What do you mean, I'm not going? - Just that.

You're not going to the convention.

You're going to the mountains with me.

But he can't go to the mountains. You see, he took an oath.

- And the Exhausted Ruler said... - Listen, dodo. You keep out of this.

Wait a minute, sugar, there's no use getting excited.

You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

Certainly. Life isn't short enough.

- Are you going? - Eh?

- I said, are you going? - Yes, sugar... Er, Mrs Hardy.

- Who said so? - Him.

Oh. Well, you can do as you please,

but you're going to the mountains with me!

Now, wait a minute. You listen to this.

I want this understood once and for all!

I'm not going to the convention. I'm going to the mountains!

That's just what I said,

that you're not going to the mountains,

that you're going to the co...

That you're going to the mountains.

- Why don't you compromise? - What do you mean "compromise"?

- Well, he means... - Oh, shut up!

If you think you're going off with a lot of hoodlums,

to a convention whenever you want, you're not.

Not for a minute, you're not! I slave here day after day,

washing and ironing till my fingers bleed!

And do you appreciate it? Do you?

- Well... - Shut up! Don't talk back to me.

I'm unselfish, what does it get me? Working for your interests.

I've planned a vacation for you in the mountains

at a nice resort where they play bridge

and have lectures on art.

I fight crowds in department stores,

dying of the heat, killing myself trying to get a nice outfit together.

Why? Why?

- Why? - Oh, you keep out of this!

I'll tell you why. So you won't be ashamed of me.

And do you appreciate it? Do you? (SCOFFS)

You want to take the first chance to run out to the convention.

Convention!

You'll go to the convention over my dead body!

I'll put you in jail first! And you too!

With the rest of the Sons... Oh, the Sons of the Desert!

(SQUEAKS)

Ow!

Oh!

- What do you think? - Oh, don't pay any attention to her.

She's only clowning. She'll snap out of it.

(SCREAMS)

(GROANS)

Are you gonna stand for that?

You're darn right I'm not gonna stand for it!

I'm the boss in this house

and when I say I'm going to the convention, I'm going...

- Oh, Lottie? - Hello, Betty. Come on in.

Didn't have much luck today, but here's a couple for you.

Oh, thanks, Betty.

What's the matter? You look worried.

I had a run-in with that barnacle of mine. Stanley's in there too.

Oh.

And furthermore, you're making a big mistake.

What do you mean?

If you're not careful, she's going to get the upper hand of you.

Now mark my words.

The upper hand of me? (SCOFFS) Impossible.

All right. Have it your own way.

I may not be king of my castle,

but I certainly wouldn't allow my wife to wear any pants.

I'd like to see my old woman throwing things around. It's disgraceful.

Never heard of such goings-off... On.

You know, if my ball and chain ever talked to me...

If she even dared to raise a...

- Do you know what I'd say? - What?

I'd say...

Hello, honey. Er...

Well, you think it over. I'll see you in the morning.

(MOANING)

- There now. There. - (SHIVERS)

There, that's better.

I wonder what could be the matter with me.

It looks to me like a severe nervous breakdown.

You've gone all to pieces and it happened so suddenly.

Probably that terrible argument we had the other night caused it.

I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

- Where is Stanley? - He's gone out.

Where'd he go?

Well, he didn't want me to tell you,

but he's awfully worried about you,

and thought you ought to have a doctor.

Why did you let him do that? You know I don't like doctors.

Now, don't get all upset. I know what's good for you.

You're going to have a doctor

and you're gonna do just what the doctor says.

All right, sweetheart. You always know what's best.

(GROANS LOUDLY)

Listen, darling. I'll get you some aspirin and some more hot water.

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

Hey.

(MOUTHS)

- Did you get the doctor? - Yeah. He'll be a few minutes.

Did you fix it with him to say

that I had to go to Honolulu for my nerves?

Our plan is working out great.

It sure is. I got it all fixed.

But why do you want to go to Honolulu?

Don't you understand that this is only a subterfuge?

To throw the wives off the track.

So that we can go to the convention.

Then you're not going to the mountains?

Of course not.

We are supposed to go to Honolulu so the wives will think that...

(FAKE GROANS)

(STAN GROANS)

Not you. (SCREAMS)

- Stan, did you get a doctor? - Yes, ma'am. The best in town.

Oh, fine. Here, darling. Here's your aspirin.

Now take your feet out.

There. Now try that.

(SCREAMS)

Oh!

Oh, you poor dear! I'll fetch you some cold water.

- What are you doing? - I've lost the aspirin. Move over.

Move over a bit more. I can't find it.

(SCREAMS LOUDLY)

Oh, Oliver!

Oliver, you poor dear!

- Ooh! - Oh, you poor darling!

Get that thing out of there!

Oh, come here, dear.

Sit down there. Why, you... (SCREAMS)

Get me out of here! Oh!

Did my little sugar burn its little self?

- Oh, dear! - It's all right.

Oh, I'm so sorry, darling.

I'm so sorry.

LOTTIE: Oh, dear! Oh, oh, oh!

Get that thing out of here!

Oh, I'm so sorry, darling.

- Oh, darling, you sit down. - All right.

I think I'd better go and get some dry clothes on.

Will you get out of my way?

(CLANKING AND CRASHING)

You wax-eater!

OLLIE: Ow!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

You're perspiring.

Maybe you have got a fever.

I do feel hot. You'd better take my temperature.

- Get that thermometer. - The what?

Thermometer. You'll find it on the shelf.

(GROANS)

What does it say?

"Wet and windy."

That's a barometer!

(DOGS BARKING)

Why did you get a veterinarian?

I didn't think his religion would make any difference.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

- This way, Doctor. - (GROANS)

- That's Mr Hardy. - Doctor, I'm so glad you're here.

My husband has been suffering terribly.

Well, what seems to be the trouble?

I think he's suffering from a nervous shakedown.

DR MEDDICK: Oh.

Oh-ho.

Ah-ha!

Uh-huh.

- My, my, my. - What is it, Doctor?

It looks like a bad case of canis delirus.

- As bad as that? - Even worse.

- It might be double canis delirus. - BOTH: Oh!

If it's that bad, maybe you'd better give him something.

Doctor, you must give him something!

There, darling, you be quiet.

Oh, my poor little lambkins. He's gonna be all right, yes.

- LOTTIE: Yes, he is. - (GROANS FEARFULLY)

Sit up, sit up.

Open up your mouth.

There, there, darling. Now everything's gonna be all right.

Doctor, you think I better put him to bed?

No, no. What he really needs is a long ocean voyage

with plenty of tropical air and sun.

I'd suggest a trip to...

A trip to... Honolulu?

Oh, but, Doctor, wouldn't the mountains do as well?

I'm a very bad sailor and I just can't stand the water.

No. I'm sorry, Mrs Hardy.

But a voyage to Honolulu is the only cure for your husband.

(OLLIE GROANS FEVERISHLY)

I won't go to Honolulu.

If you can't go, sugar, I'll just stay home and suffer.

You'll do nothing of the kind.

If the doctor says you must go to Honolulu,

you'll do just as the doctor says.

But I can't go to Honolulu alone.

I've got to have someone to take care of me.

Maybe Stanley will be kind enough to go with you.

Why, I never thought of that. Will you go, Stanley?

- Where? - To Honolulu.

- I can't go to Honolulu. - Why?

- I'm going to the convention. - What do you mean, the convention?

I forgot to tell you. I asked Betty and she said I could go.

That settles it. I'm not going to Honolulu.

Oh, yes, you are! You're going to Honolulu if you have to go alone!

If I have to go to Honolulu alone, he's going with me!

(MARCHING MUSIC PLAYING)

(PARTY AND CANCAN MUSIC PLAYING)

(MEN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

(EGYPTIAN SNAKE CHARMER TUNE PLAYING)

(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)

Hey! (LAUGHS)

Kissy-kissy-kissy! Boom! Boom!

Hey, isn't she a doll?

Why don't you, uh...

Why don't you take a...

Ow!

Texas 97!

Michigan 93!

- New York 43! - Portland 27!

(MEN CLAMOURING)

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

(ALL CLAMOURING)

Texas 97!

Texas 97!

Texas 97!

No, no, no. That's too good a gag you pulled from.

Well, well, well. California, eh?

- Yeah, 13. - (LAUGHS)

I bet you don't grow flowers out there that smell like this.

Oh...

(ALL LAUGH MANIACALLY)

That's a dob, isn't it, boy?

(ALL CONTINUE LAUGHING)

Can you take it?

Say, boys, come on over to my table and have a drink, eh?

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Right there.

Sit down.

Hey, waiter. A bottle of champagne!

Oh, boy! (LAUGHS) Have a cigarette.

(GUFFAWS)

Have a cigarette.

(LAUGHS BOISTEROUSLY)

You guys are killing me!

Great gag, huh? Great gag.

♪ While down on a South Sea island

♪ Underneath the beauty of the stars

♪ I strayed upon some maidens

♪ Who were strumming on their guitars

♪ A hula maid was dancing

♪ And I knew I'd found my paradise

♪ So this is what I told her

♪ As I gazed into her eyes

♪ Honolulu baby

♪ Where'd you get those eyes?

♪ And the dark complexion

♪ I just idolise?

♪ Honolulu baby

♪ Where did you get that style?

♪ And those pretty red lips

♪ And that sunny smile?

♪ When you start to dance your hula hips entrance

♪ Then you shake it up and down

♪ You shake a little here you shake a little there

♪ Well, you got the boys going to town

♪ Honolulu baby

♪ You know your stuff

♪ Honolulu baby

♪ Gonna call your bluff

♪ Do, do, do-do, do-do-do

♪ Do, do, do-do-do... ♪

(VOCALISING)

You see, we're killing two birds with one stone!

We're seeing as much here as we could have seen in Honolulu!

(LAUGHS)

Hey. What's the laugh? I don't get it.

Shall we tell him?

Our wives think that we're in Honolulu for my health.

- You're pulling a fast one, eh? - Yes.

(INSTRUMENTAL TROPICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

OLLIE: (LAUGHS) Oh boy, yes!

What did I tell you? We've been to the convention, had a swell time,

going home in the morning and nobody's any the wiser!

(LAUGHING)

By the way, what part of California are you fellas from?

(SPANISH ACCENT) Los Angeles.

Los Angeles?

What a small world! What a small world!

Would you believe it? I got a sister lives out there.

No kidding. Haven't laid eyes on her since I got out of reform school!

I got a great idea for a gag. You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna call her up long-distance and disguise my voice!

She won't know who it is!

Oh, that's a dob!

Hey, waiter. Another bottle of bubble water. Be right back.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello? Hello?

Here's your Los Angeles call, Mr Chase.

Oh, swell.

Hello? Hello? Hello?

(GRUFF VOICE) I bet you can't guess who this is.

- All right, who is it? - It's your little brother, Charley.

Well, for goodness' sake! It's my brother Charley.

Where are you?

I'm out in Chicago. They're throwing a convention for me!

(LAUGHS)

Well, fancy hearing from you after all these years.

You know, Charley, I haven't seen you since you sang in the choir.

And you used to pump the organ, you little old organ-pumper you!

- (CHUCKLES) - Hey, listen.

I want you to talk to a fella from Los Angeles.

A swell guy. Wait a minute.

Hello? So this is Charley's sweet little sister.

I feel just like I know you.

Charley tells me you're from Los Angeles. What part?

All of me! (LAUGHS)

What did she say? What did she say?

She asked me if I was from Los Angeles and I said yes,

then she said, "What part?" and I said, "All of me!"

Wasn't that a dob?

(LAUGHS OBNOXIOUSLY)

You little jokester. When you get back to town, drop in and see me.

I'd just love to have you meet my husband.

I sure will. What's the address?

Write this down.

Two, two, two, two, Fairview Avenue.

Two, two...

Goodbye, sugar.

- What'd ya hang up for? - We had a bad connection.

- But isn't she a swell gal? - She sure is.

- Oh. - What's the matter, Lottie?

If I didn't know Oliver was in Honolulu,

I'd swear that was he on the phone.

Oh, they're in Honolulu all right. Stanley wouldn't dare lie to me.

I hate to think what would happen if he ever did.

Hey, let these fellas have a chance. Come on.

- Good evening, sir. - Well, gentlemen!

- How are you? - Glad to see you.

Am I glad to see you!

(LADY SCREAMS)

You know that's my wife?

- Texas 97! - New York 43!

(ALL LAUGHING)

New York 43!

MAN: Extra paper! Get your evening paper!

Honolulu liner sinking! Extra!

- Extra paper! - Get your extra paper!

Lottie! Lottie! Look.

Yes, I just read it. Oh, what are we going to do?

I'll telephone the steamship company

and find out if they have a list of survivors.

No. No, we'll go down there. Go on and get your hat.

I'll meet you outside.

(ALL CLAMOURING)

Quiet, please! Mr Ruttledge has a radiogram he wishes to read.

RUTTLEDGE: This is the latest wireless report.

"Honolulu Steamship Company, Los Angeles.

"The survivors of the ill-fated Muana

"have been safely transferred to the rescue ship.

"A list of the casualties will be made known

"as soon as a complete check-up is made.

"Expect to arrive in port in 36 hours.

"Signed Captain John Zelop."

Oh, Betty! I do hope the boys are safe.

The suspense is just killing me.

Have courage, Lottie. Let's not think of the worst.

I try not to, but... Oh, I'm so worried about Oliver.

You know how unselfish he always was.

He wouldn't leave that ship until everybody was saved.

Well, if they're safe, Oliver certainly deserves a medal.

You know, Stanley can't swim a stroke.

Oh, I never thought of that!

Hey, old man. Just keep the change.

♪ Honolulu baby

♪ Where'd you get those eyes?

♪ And your dark complexion

- ♪ That I idolise? - (RINGS DOORBELL)

♪ Honolulu baby

♪ Where'd you get those eyes?

♪ And your dark complexion

♪ That I idolise?

♪ Honolulu baby

♪ Where'd you get those eyes?

♪ And your dark complexion

♪ That I idolise? ♪

Maybe they're in Betty's house.

♪ Honolulu baby

♪ Where'd you get those eyes?

♪ And your dark complexion

♪ That I idolise?

♪ Honolulu baby

♪ Where'd you get those eyes?

♪ And your dark complexion

♪ That I idolise?

♪ Honolulu baby... ♪

Aloha! Baby's here!

Aloha! Baby's here!

Aloha!

Get that thing out of the way!

Aloha!

Aloha!

Baby's home, sugar.

Get out of my way!

(GASPS)

- I wonder where she is. - Maybe she went out.

I know she went out,

but what I'd like to know is where did she went!

Maybe she went to the mountains with Betty.

That's probably just where she is. She makes me sick.

She knew we were coming home today.

What did she have to go to the mountains for?

If she didn't go to the mountains, Muhammad would have to come here.

What has Muhammad got to do with my wife?

"Notes from the clubs..."

- Oh! - What's the matter?

"Honolulu liner sinking. Foundering in typhoon.

"Passengers and crew on SS Muana in panic as wireless fails.

"Sister ship Luana reaches scene of disaster in 90-mile gale.

"Rescue ship due back in Los Angeles harbour tomorrow."

- Oh! - Can you beat that?

I'm sure glad we didn't go. If we'd have...

- (SCREAMS) What are we going to do? - We've got to get out of here.

We'll go to a hotel, spend the night. Come on.

Put that paper down and let's go!

OLLIE: Get that. Oh!

Clean that up so they won't know we've been here.

- Betty, let me. - I'll pay it.

I think everything's done.

Whoa!

Quick, hide! Hide...

No, not there. Get out!

Wait. Come on!

(STAN WHIMPERS)

Betty, did you hear that?

I certainly did.

There's no one in there.

Betty, I could have sworn I heard that door close.

It's probably our imagination. We're both nervous and upset.

Oh, Betty, do you really think they're safe?

Oh, don't worry, dear. Let's think for the best.

Oh.

Oh. Oh! I have the strangest feeling. I...

I feel as if they were hovering right over me!

Don't talk that way! You'll give me the jitters.

I can't help it! I've gone all to pieces!

- If you act that way, I'm going! - Don't leave me, Betty! Stop!

We've got to face this situation with determination.

- I'm doing the best I can. - I know. It's a terrible predicament.

- Do you think they saw us? - Of course not.

If they had, they'd have been up here.

To catch a Hardy, they've got to get up very early in the morning.

- What time? - Oh, about half past... What time!

(HONKS)

(BEEPS)

(SHUSHES) Be careful. Do you want them to hear us?

How are we going to get to a hotel?

Simple. We'll go down through Betty's house.

Locked. It looks like we're here for the night.

- We can't sit up here all night. - We're not going to sit up all night.

We'll fix ourselves a nice bed

and be just as comfortable as two peas in a pod.

Oh.

Give me a hand with this spring. Ow!

- (SHUSHES) - Don't shush me!

(HOOTER HONKS)

(BOTH SHUSH)

(HONKS)

Hold this while I get some rope.

Don't just sit there looking at me. Do something to help me.

Get me some rope or something.

- What are you going to do with it? - None of your business!

Do as I tell you.

- (SHUSHES) - It serves you right.

(RACE TRACK NOISES BLARING ON SCREEN)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, Betty. I wish now I'd let him go to the convention.

He could have been having such a good time

instead of being in that awful shipwreck.

Oh, it's all my fault.

Don't worry, Lottie. Maybe they're not as bad off as we think.

Oh, Betty. If I could only see him just once more.

(SOBS)

I can't believe it.

Just wait till you get back home, you inflated tadpole!

- Sit down! - Oh, shut up!

So Stan wouldn't dare lie to you? (SCOFFS)

- Don't you worry about him. - It's not your fault...

(THUNDER CLAPPING)

Can you imagine them going to that convention?

I don't mind that so much.

It's the idea of them making a sucker out of me. Me!

- That's what burns me up! - Oh, sit down, Lottie.

- You make me nervous. - Oh, shut up!

Stanley wouldn't dare lie to you!

- (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) - It's the first time he ever did.

If it wasn't for your husband's bad influence,

it never would have happened.

Is that so? Are you trying to inferring

that my husband alone was the cause of this?

I certainly am.

That wax-eater of yours is no different from the rest.

He had just as much to do with this as mine did.

I admit he lied. But there's one thing I do know.

When he gets back home and I ask him, he'll confess and tell me everything.

(CHUCKLES)

That's more than that blimp of yours will do.

You just wait till they get home. I'll show you who the truthful one is.

I'll have you know my Oliver is upright, honest...

Oh, skip it!

There you are. Fit for a king.

We'll have a good night's sleep, go down in the morning,

tell them about the shipwreck and nobody will be any the wiser.

- I've certainly got to hand it to you. - For what?

Well, for the meticulous care

with which you have executed your finely-formulated machinations

in extricating us from this devastating dilemma.

On the other hand...

- Get in bed. - Eh?

Meticulous!

Now hold it for me.

(THUNDER CLAPPING)

- Now, isn't this nice? - It sure is.

We're just like two peas in a pot.

Not pot. Pod.

(ENUNCIATING) Pod.

OLLIE: Pod.

Well, good night, Lottie. I'm going to run along.

If they come here first, give me a call.

I'm dying to hear Oliver's story.

(BOTH SCREAM)

Oh, Betty! What was that?

- I'll find out. - Oh, don't leave!

(BOTH CLAMOURING)

They're probably asleep and didn't hear it.

We were sure lucky.

Betty, do be careful. It might be a burglar.

Don't worry about me.

I've got my gun and I've never missed yet.

Ooh! Let's get on the roof. Come on.

There's something very strange going on around here

and I'm going to call the police.

That's a good idea. Come on, let's go.

- Now what are we going to do? - What do you think?

I'm not going to sit up here all night and catch double pneumonia.

We'll slide down the drainpipe,

put our clothes on in the garage and go to a hotel.

You can do what you like, but I'm going home.

- What are you going to tell Betty? - I'm going to tell her everything.

- So you're turning yellow? - Eh?

You're yellow.

- It must be the lightning. - You little double-crosser.

If you go downstairs and spill the beans,

I'll tell Betty that I caught you smoking a cigarette.

All right, go ahead and tell her. What do you think...

- Would you tell her that? - I certainly would.

- Would ya? - I would.

- Know what we'll do? - What?

We'll climb down the garage, and change clothes in the drainpipe,

go to a hotel, and we'll be just as comfortable as two peas in a pod.

Go on. Get down off the roof.

You'll have me catching ammonia... Er, spemonia.

Spread your legs.

Why did you tell me to spread my legs?

Well, I didn't want you to get your feet wet.

Help me get out of here.

Don't tell him anything.

- What's going on here? - Nothing, Officer.

- Where do you live? - I'd rather not say.

So you don't want to talk, eh? Where do you live?

- Eh? - Where do you live?

- I live next door to him. - Where does he live?

- He lives in there. - Oh, quit kidding. Where does he live?

I'm not kidding.

If you don't believe me, go in and ask them.

That's a good idea. We'll find out. Come on.

Come on. Get going. Hurry up.

- Is this the house? - Yes, sir.

(RINGING DOORBELL)

Here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.

- What are we going to tell them? - Get your own story. I've got mine.

I can't think.

Betty, here they are now. Where's that gun?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Calm yourself.

Let's hear their story first, because, don't forget,

you and I have an argument to settle. After that, you can do as you please.

All right. I'll show you.

Oh! Thank you, Officer.

- (OLLIE GROANS) - Oh, Oliver!

What's happened? Where are your clothes?

Wait till I get my second wind.

- Stanley, what's happened? - You tell your story, Ollie.

On our way back from Honolulu, we were on a terrible shipwreck.

You see, honey, if you'd let me go to the convention,

I wouldn't have gone through this horrible experience.

- Oh, well, tell us all about it. - Please do.

All right. We were sailing along in clear weather

when, all of a sudden, a terrible storm came up.

- Didn't it, Stanley? - And we floundered in a typhoid.

Not typhoid. He means typhoon, sugar.

Then the ship started to shake and we both dived overboard.

- Didn't we, Stanley? - Yeah.

Just as the boat was going down for the third time.

And here we are.

- Aren't you glad we got home safe? - Well, what's new, sugar?

The rescue ship with the survivors doesn't get in until tomorrow.

The rescue... Oh.

It must have got there after we left.

That's right. It must have got there after we left.

- Thank you, Stanley. - You're welcome.

Well, then how did you get here?

Why, er...

- Oh, we ship-hiked. - That's right. We...

- We ship-hiked. - Ship-hiked?

Yes. We thumbed our way.

What do you mean, thumbed your way?

Well, Stan and I would be swimming along,

we'd see a boat coming our way,

we'd go like that, and they'd pick us up.

- Wouldn't they, Stanley? - Yes, of course,

that's if they were going our way, mind you.

Certainly.

Now, you see, Betty? He's no different from the rest.

They're both like two peas in a pot.

- Pod. - Shut up!

Have you anything else to say?

Well, no. That's all there is.

There isn't any more. Is there, Stanley?

No. That's our story and we're stuck with it... In it.

- Oliver. - What, sugar?

Oliver, I want you to be big.

Bigger than you've ever been before.

Are you telling me the truth?

What do you mean, am I telling you the truth?

Do you think that a story like that could come from my mind?

If it wasn't the truth... Why, it's ridiculous.

- It's absurd. - The silliest thing I ever heard.

It certainly is.

Why, it's too far-fetched not to be the truth. Isn't it, Stanley?

It's imposterous.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

- Stanley? - What?

Stanley?

Honest confession is good for the soul.

Is Oliver telling the truth?

Go ahead and tell her.

Is he?

No. We went to the convention. We didn't go to Honolulu at all.

He told me to tell you he was sick and we didn't have a shipwreck.

We were up in the attic and... (WHIMPERS)

We sat up in the attic. He told me to...

- Come on, Stanley. - Oh! Look what she's got!

(WHIMPERING)

(PLAYS LOW NOTE)

How about you and me going to the mountains?

You're not moving out tonight, are you, sugar?

Why don't you wait till tomorrow morning

so we can talk it over?

See, Stanley? Honesty is the best policy.

(CRASHING)

(OLLIE YELLING)

I'll show you, you Son of the Desert! Go to a convention, will ya? (SCOFFS)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Come in.

- What'd she say? - Never mind what she said.

What did Betty say?

Betty said that honesty was the best politics.

Look.

(COUGHS)

♪ Honolulu baby

♪ Won't you close those eyes? ♪

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English - SDH