All language subtitles for Sam (2015)

WOMAN:
I don't even.
I mean, why?

WOMAN 2:
He just talks to her,
he doesn't talk to her.

WOMAN:
He talks to her,
he doesn't talk to her.

WOMAN 2: Yeah, that's
exactly right, it's like
4:00 in the morning,

and I'm like,
"Oh, my God,
Tim, Tim, Tim?"

Okay, so not worth it.

I think she should've
left him, like,
a long time ago, but...

(INDISTINCT SPEEDTALKING
CONTINUES)

Did you catch
a word of that?
(SCOFFS) Nope.

It's a known fact
that the adult male brain

is incapable of understanding
female speed talking.

Last time I tried,
my head hurt for three days.

(WOMEN SOBBING AT BAR)

(TAPPING BAR)
SAM: Barkeep?

Can't we put a game on
or something?

Anything but
this sentimental crap?

The movie stays on!

Whatever.

(SIGHING)

SAM: Women are demented.

They babble incoherently,
they cry at the drop
of a hat.

To me, those are two
major symptoms of crazy.

And there's Sam Wellman,
expert opinion on women.

Damn straight.

There ain't a female
on this planet

that I can't figure out
in a minute flat.

Especially Georgette.

Diagnosis, nymphomania.

Oh, would you get
over yourself?

It's about time that you found
yourself a nice woman

and you settle down, huh?

Like you and Cynthia?

Don't go there.
Classic ball buster.

I'm a happy man.
Shut the hell up.

Is there a model
in Milan, New York,

Paris, you haven't
banged yet?

I got a hot one
tonight, Doc.

This new girl
at the agency.

Oof.

Oh, no.

Don't tell me you caught
something again?

Nah, it's just my dick
in my jockstrap.

Great, can't help you
with that.

(EXHALES)

What would I do without you
when I got the clap?

You would go
to a urologist
instead of a G-Y-N.

You're the only doctor
I can trust with my privacy.

And I kind of like being
the only guy in New York
with a gynecologist.

You're a regular riot,
Alice.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey, honey.

Speak of the devil.

Satan, Lucifer,
Beelzebub.

Just having a drink
with Sam.

You know,
I could've guessed that.

How's our favorite little
whoremonger doing?

Ow! What are you doing?

She's not gonna
come over here, is she?

So, where are you taking me
to dinner tonight?

Somewhere expensive.
(SCOFFS)

Oh, right answer.

(LOUD BURP)
Oh, my God,
tell Sam I heard that.

He's beyond repugnant.

(FINGERS SNAPPING)

See you later, Soo-Soo.
(KISSES)

(CLEARING THROAT)

What?

You know what...
Poo-Poo.

You're going to
the bachelor party,
right?

Wouldn't miss it
for the world.

You gonna behave yourself?

I was thinking about
sending Stephen

some videos of me
and the blushing bride.

I might just post them
on the Internet.

I hope you're kidding.

(CHUCKLES)

MARGARET:
Good morning, Sam.

Morning, morning.

Listen, I retyped
your proposal,
added a couple things.

Hope you like it.

We're gonna
do that dinner,
Margaret, I swear.

That'd be great, Sam.

Good morning,
Mr. Wellman.

Mr. Cavalo would like
to see you in his office
when you're ready.

Hello, Melissa.

How was your weekend?
Fine, thank you.

Should I ask
how yours was?

Oh, you know,
usual debauchery.

Grist for my novel.

And, uh, what would that
novel be about again?

It's about
an office assistant.

Demure, passionate,
very lonely.

Madly in love with her
incredibly attractive boss.

Wow, you have quite
the imagination.

You wouldn't wanna help me
do the research, would you?

You know, I'm writing
my own novel.

Would you like
to hear about it?

(SCOFFS) No.

Do you know the first thing
I notice about a woman?

Her ass. (CHUCKLING)

I mean, have you ever
noticed how a woman's ass

gets a little firmer
when she's nervous?

(CHUCKLING)

It's a thing of beauty.

I should be writing
this down, shouldn't I?

(CHUCKLING)
Let's take a closer look.

Oh...

Oh, listen,

Lulu loved our suggestion
on the new brassiere line.

Outstanding.

How's it going with her
by the way?

How's it going?

She tied me
to the bed last night

and beat the crap out of me,
that's how it's going.

That good, huh?
And by the way...

(CLEARS THROAT)

Lulu said she was
stopping by on the way
to a fashion show

to tell you in person.
She should be here...

Excuse me, uh,
Mr. Cavalo, Lulu's here.

She's waiting for you
in the conference room.

Just about now.

Thank you.
Tell her we'll
be right there.

Yes, Mr. Cavalo.

So, last night,
Stephanie?

(AWKWARD LAUGH)

Oh, hey, wait,
taxi's on me.

I should've listened
to Christina.

She said you were a pig.

It's a work in progress.

A work in progress?

Sam, don't over think it,
it's Pavlovian.

Huh?

It's Pavlovian.

Pavlov's dogs?

You push the right buttons,
they salivate.

I mean, for some women,
it's money.

Other women,
it's marriage.

But whatever it is,
you give 'em
the right spiel,

they roll over.
(CHUCKLES)

Got you, Sey.
Lulu.

We gotta stop
meeting like this.

Aw, poor Seymour.

Oh, I imagine you're still
smarting from last night.

Mmm-hmm.

We did get
a bit adventurous.

A bit.
(CHUCKLES)

Especially with
that spatula.

Shh...

Ooh, God, that thing
leaves marks.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Tell me about it.

Hmm. Oh, Sam.
Hey!

Oh, you make
an adorable executive.

So cute in that suit.

God, I could
just eat him up
with peanut butter.

Hell, forget
the peanut butter,
just give him to me plain.

It's nice to
see you, Lulu.

I hope you liked
the models we sent you
for the lingerie show.

They were skinny,
stupid, and drugged
out of their minds.

Uh...
Uh...

In other words,
they were perfect.

The buyers loved them.

I want them for
the next two shows.

So, you'll make sure
Mr. Naughty

stays out of trouble.

Ahh!

Until our rendezvous
later at the hotel?

It's a date.
(CHUCKLING)

Okay.

(MIMICKING CAT PURRING)

(PURRING)
Bye-bye, cutie pie.

That's it? Quick
and almost painless?

What?

Mr. Naughty?

I'm telling you
something, Sam.

You remind me so much
of me when I was younger.

A genius?

No, a complete asshole.
(CHUCKLES)

But a brilliant one.

To tell you the truth,

I wasn't half
as slick as you are
when I was your age.

Guess I am a bit
of a prodigy.

(GLASSES CLINK)

Move over, Mozart.
Wait a minute, Sam.

I gotta ask you.
Stephanie?

Does she...

Does she wear panties?

MARGARET: Congratulations
on the Lulu account, Sam.

We just got the memo
about our next show.

Couldn't have done it
without you, Margaret, baby.

I just told Seymour
that, too.

What, what,
I don't know...
Right, right, Seymour?

Yes, Margaret, of course,
it was a great job,
lovely, yes.

Can you do us a favor?
Can you, uh...

Can you excuse us?
Of course.

We're talking
very important
business here.

So...

You were saying?

(CHUCKLES)

No.

♪

(LAUGHTER AND
INDISTINCT CHATTER)

I wish that wasn't
as true as it sounds.

Hey, I wanna propose
a toast real quick.

Okay.

To my buddy, Stephen.

You know what
they say, Stephen.

What do they say?

Marriage is the only war
where you sleep
with the enemy.

(ALL LAUGHING)
Hey!

Joey, keep 'em coming!
Another round.

You got it, buddy.

Here's to Stephen.

Congratu-fricku-lations, you
horny little son-of-a-bitch.

(LAUGHING) Okay.

That's all right.

Okay.
Hey, maybe...

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
I'll get it.

Hey, whoa, whoa,
turn the tunes down.

Oh, no.
Are we being loud here?

We're probably
in trouble.

It's show time!

Whoo!
It's show time.
(ALL CHEERING)

Whoo-hoo.

Look at this.
Wow!

Yo. Come on,
get your ass out here.

Wow! Come on.
Let's see those asses.

(MEN WHOOPING)

Come on,
let's see those asses.

Pull up a chair
for this guy.

Oh, I think
I'm gonna throw up.

(MUSIC AND INDISTINCT CHATTER)

What, you had to bring
your own tequila?

We didn't have enough
bottles here for you?

It's not tequila,
it's Anejo.

(BURPING)
An-e-jo.

I stand corrected.
You stand corrected.

JOEY:
Hey, Stevie,
you gonna wear

your wedding ring
when you get married?

(LAUGHS)

What the hell
are you doing, man?

I'm documenting
for posterity.

You're gonna send those
to Georgette.

That's a great idea.

That's very wrong, Sam.

Yeah, well,
who are you,
my priest?

No, I'm your
best friend.

Yeah, well,
you know what, friend?

What, friend?

Mind your own
freaking business.

Okay, I have to be
a good boy.

You girls go see Joey.

What's your name,
baby?

My name's Cat.

How about you?
Legs.

Oh, man, I'm right where
I'm supposed to be.

Whew.

(LAUGHS)

Where the hell
are you going?

Out.

You got a problem
with that?

Yeah, I got
a problem with that.

Tough.

(MEN LAUGHING)

(BOTTLES CLINKING)

Excuse me.

(EXHALES)

Hmm.

(STATIC, CHANGING STATIONS)

(CHUCKLING)

That's a good-looking hat.

(RADIO CLICKS)

MAN: Can I help you,
young man?

(CLEARING THROAT)

Oh, nice hat.

Thank you.

Didn't offer much protection

from the cold
at Valley Forge,

but it looked good
at the victory parade
a few years later.

Tea?

Got anything stronger?

Oh, it's strong tea.
It's a special blend.

Sit down.

(SLURPS, EXHALES)

Good?

Yeah.

Big night on the town, eh?

(SIGHS) Bachelor party.

Not mine.

Confirmed bachelor, eh?

Hmm.

Are the happy couple
good friends?

Huh?

Relationships work best

when there's a strong bond
of friendship.

Trust, a core of trust?

He's crazy if he trusts her,
I can tell you that much.

A good-looking
young man like you

must have a girlfriend.

Whenever I want.

No one special?

No such thing.

You're not very fond
of the female

of the species,
are you?

Good for one thing
and one thing only.

Women are God's gift
to the world, son.

I guess He forgot
to give me my present.

How do you know
God's a he?

Please.

(SIGHS) Well, thanks
for the tea, old-timer.
I gotta get going.

Where do you live, son?

Murray Hill.

Murray Hill.

That's a very nice
neighborhood.

Thanks.

Do you know
how Murray Hill
got its name?

Murray's Deli?

No.

The Murray family.

Quakers.
They were Quakers,

you know, like the oatmeal?
Right.

They had a fine mansion up
at the top of Murray Hill.

It was about where
37th and Park is today.

Mrs. Murray was
a very good-looking woman.

Good for Mr. Murray.

Yeah, well,
Mr. Murray wasn't around
on September 15, 1776

when 20,000 British
and Hessian troops
invaded Manhattan.

They landed at Kips Bay.

That's about where
34th Street is today.

Washington had about
9,000 troops,

but they were most of them
stationed downtown.

The British were about ready
to cut the rebels in two.

But Mrs. Murray
outsmarted them.

She plied the soldiers
with wine

and flirted
with the general.

(CHUCKLING)
Just like a broad.
Well,

while she was entertaining
the top brass,

the rebels escaped
up the west side.

Yes, without her,

the war would've been over
before it started.

Washington, Jefferson,
John Adams.

The whole bunch of 'em
would've been hanged
for treason.

Hmm.

A woman?

It's the truth.

Mrs. Murray saved
the Americans.

She saved the revolution.

She saved the brand-new
U.S. of A.

Well, that's a hell
of a story, Pops.

I'll remember it next time
I'm walking down Park Avenue.

Yeah, remember what
I told you about women.

That's why
I told you the story.

Well, they must've broke
the mold when they made her,

'cause ever chick nowadays
is a total bitch.

Maybe you
just need to live
a little bit more.

There's nothing
like experience
to open your eyes.

Yeah, right.

Uh, hey, uh, which way
is 7th Avenue?

Guy who laid out
these streets must've
been cross-eyed.

You take the first right
out the door.

Then you take
the next two rights.

Well, thanks, Pops.
I'll see ya.

(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

Yes, you will.

(MOANS)

(SIGHING)

(CHUCKLES)

Cool dream.

(SCREAMING)

(HYSTERICAL SCREAMING)

(SHUDDERING)

Oh, my God,
oh, my God,

oh, my God!

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, oh, my God.

A hallucination.
A hallucination.

A hallucination.

Shit.

Shit!

Hi, can I help you?
Where's Doc?

I'm sorry, who are you
here to see?

Doc.

Dr. Andrew Bellamy,
O-B-G-Y-N.

It says it right there
on the door.

Well, Dr. Bellamy's with
a patient right now.

Okay, well,
I need to see him now.

Okay, young lady,
please calm yourself down.

Yes, please.

Oh, mind your
own business, Miss STD!

Okay, you know what?

I will set up an appointment
for you with Dr. Bellamy...

Hey!

Don't mess with me,
bitch!

(WOMAN GASPS)

Doc!

Look what fuckin'
happened to me, dude!

Look at me!

Miss, please,
I am in the middle
of an examination here.

Would you tell
trash mouth Sally here
to wait her turn?

SAM: Oh, shut
the hell up, lady!

Doc, you got...

Miss, if you do not behave,
I will call security.

DOC: Angie, that won't
be necessary.

Help me with
Mrs. Goldfarb here.

We're gonna move you
to another room.

Thank you,
Doctor and Angie.

What a yakhneh!

DOC: Angie, I won't be long.

Doc, I don't know
what happened, man.

I woke up this morning,
and I'm a fuckin' broad!

Okay, there are a lot of

psychologist's offices
in the building.

Are you sure you didn't
walk into the wrong one?

Doc, you gotta believe me.

(STAMMERS) I feel like
I'm in this, like,
this nightmare.

Like, I just keep
waiting to wake up!

Dude, it's me!
It's Sam!

Sam?

Sam! Sam Wellman,
your best friend?

(CHUCKLES) Okay, very good.

How much is he paying you?

Ask me something.
Ask me anything.

Really,
I get the joke.

Yeah, okay, ask me something
about... About Cynthia.

You know about Cynthia?

Dude, I know
everything about you.

You're Boo-Boo,
she's Soo-Soo.

He told you that?

Oh! You were nine years old.

You showed it
to Lauren Abramsky.

She kicked you
in the nuts.

You told your mom
you fell off the swing.

He told you that?
I was there, dude.

I practically
carried you home.

Oh!

Senior Prom,
Sandi O'Malley gave you

your second blow job
under the bleachers.

Your first blow job,
March 1st, 1993,

Lisa Kaminsky
in your basement,

your mom came home...

Is there anything that prick
didn't tell you?

I am that prick!

Oh!

(SCISSORS SNIPPING)
DNA!

Miss, please,
put down the scissors.

Doc, DNA.

DNA.
Get a DNA test done.

Great, please, the scissors,
before someone gets hurt.

Yeah, but Doc,
you have the blood
from the paternity suit.

We get a DNA test done,
poof, yeah.

Okay, sure, great.
Now, give me the scissors.

And go home
and get some rest, huh?

Okay, but you're
gonna do it. You'll
do it right away.

Yeah, as soon
as you leave,

it goes right to
the DNA office or whatever.

Yeah? Okay.
Yeah, sure, great.

Okay, good,
but you're gonna do it?

Uh-huh.
Okay.

Just relax.
Okay.

Go home.
Okay.

Get some rest.
All right.

Fucking Sam, Jesus.

Have an amazing day,
Mr. Johnson.

Excuse me.
Hey, Lou, what's up?

Excuse me,
can I help you?

I can't right now, Lou,
I got a situation.

Excuse me, Miss?

Uh...

You're here
to see who?

Oh, right, I'm sorry.

I am Sam Wellman's cousin.

I, uh...
He gave me the keys.

(CHUCKLING)

Yeah, Sam,
he's a great guy.
Uh-huh.

Yeah, he's letting me
stay here

just for, uh,
for a little bit.

That's great, Miss...

Samantha Wellman.
Samantha Wellman.

Lou, but you knew
that already.

Yeah, Sam, uh, speaks
very highly of you.

Is that right?
Yeah.

Let me know if there's
anything I can do for you?

All right, cool, cool.

Thanks, Lou.

Boom, yeah.

Cool!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(CELL PHONE CHIMING)

Doc!

Ah, I knew that you'd call.

Dude, yo, yo, yo,
you get those
test results back yet?

Look, I don't know
who you are

or what you think
you're doing, lady,

but this stopped being funny
a long time ago.

Now where the hell is Sa?

Doc, come on, dude!

It's me, it's Sam!
You gotta...

(GRUNTING) Ugh! Ugh!

Hey, baby.

Hey, hey, hey.

How's it going?
Good.

Mmm...

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Melissa, hey, yeah.

Really? No messages.

Yeah, I called him,
but some lady
keeps answering.

I don't know
who she is.
Call girl.

I'm sure he is just
sleeping it off

in a motel somewhere,
you know?

(SIGHING) Okay.

Yeah, let me know
as soon as

you hear anything,
please, okay?

Bye.

(SCOFFS)

Honey, Sam's a big boy.

He can take care of himself.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)
You gotta be kidding me.

All right, lady,
you win!

Now where the hell
is Sam?

Oh, my God,
I am so sick of Sam.

(SIGHS)

Okay, okay.

Either Boo-Boo
apologizes

and gets very snuggly,
very quickly,

or Soo-Soo is gonna
squeeze Boo-Boo's balls.

And I guarantee,
you're not gonna like it.

(MOANS)

Boo-Boo,
what's the matter?

DOC: I'm sorry.

Did Boo-Boo take
all his vitamins today?

DOC: Yeah, yeah.

I just left something
at work.

I have to go
to work, yeah.

Ugh.

At 11:30 at night?

(SIGHS) Okay, God,
I must be crazy.

(MOANING)

Oh, fuck.

Okay, but you'll process
that right away.

Rush job.

JOHNNY: (ON PHONE)
I'll do my best.

Maybe tomorrow.
No promises.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Excuse me, Doctor,
your 1:00 p.m. is here.

Okay, I'll be out
in a minute.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Just let me know as soon
as you hear something, okay?

Melissa, come on,
where the hell is he?

We have a very important
lunch meeting today.

I've tried him
on both lines,
Mr. Cavalo.

Yes, and?

And he hasn't answered,

and he isn't answering
his e-mails either.

I don't care what kind
of a bender he's on,

it's just not like him.

Well, he had a bachelor party
that he had to go to.

I know, who do you think
got him the strippers?

(MIMICKING GUNFIRE)

(MIMICS ITALIAN ACCENT)
Now you sleep with the fishes,

Don Cheech.
(MIMICS EXPLOSION)

Boo-Boo?
(GRUNTS)

What?
(SIGHS)

Why couldn't you have
been a chiropodist?

What?

You stare at it all day.

And now you've lost
your sex drive!

(SOBBING)

(MAN AND WOMAN
MOANING ON TV)

(TV CLICKS)

(SAM MOANING)

Okay, "I have
been called away by
a family emergency.

"My cousin, Samantha,
is here to save the day.

"She's got just as much
experience as me

"and can cover my accounts
just as well as me

"until I get back from...

"From..." No.

"Till I get back."

Huh.

Cousin Samantha, huh?

Well, as long as she's hot.

(CHUCKLING)

Could I get some help
over here?

Oh.

Okay, all right.

♪

Morning, morning.
WOMAN: Good morning.

Excuse me, can I help you?

Margaret. (CHUCKLES)

Er, do I know you?

Right, um, indirectly.

I am Sam Wellman's
cousin.

Samantha.

What a pleasure
to meet you.

Sam has just told me
so... (CHUCKLES)

Well, actually, he never
mentioned you at all.

That didn't
come out right.

Oh, no, no, no, no,
it's fine, um, see,

Sam and I have a...
A very complex relationship.

But look, I'm happy
to help out in
his time of need.

Okay, I hope everything
is okay with your family,
I mean...

Oh, yeah, yeah,
I'm sure everything
will be just fine.

Mmm-hmm, I'm gonna
go see Mr. Cavalo.

Sure, let me show you.

No, it's fine,
I know... Sam.
(CHUCKLES)

Right.

Gonna do that dinner, though,
Margaret, I swear.

(MOUTHING)

(EXHALES)

Ah, Melissa, good.

Samantha Wellman,
Sam's fine,
everything's good.

He will be back soon.

Nice to meet you,
Miss Wellman.

Oh, please, Mel.

Sam, Samantha,
Sam, just like
the other guy, cool?

Yeah, up, up, come.

Uh, go grab me
that Lulu file like
a good girl, huh?

Sure.

You look great
in that dress, oof.

(SIGHS)

(CHUCKLING)

Sam never told me
about you.

And now I know why.
(CHUCKLES)

Why?
Come on in.

Can I offer you a drink?

A Bloody Mary?

Sit.

So Samantha.

So Seymour.

Welcome to the family.

Yeah, no.

Um, why don't we talk
about the Lulu account?

Sam has given me
a thorough briefing.

Let's not talk
about business yet.

We haven't even gotten
to know each other.

Yeah, well, you know,
Sam's gonna be back
before we know it,

so... I hope.
Think! Think.

We gotta get
to know each other,
right? Family.

One of the family.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Do you know the first thing
I notice about a woman?

Her ass?
Exa... No!

Her eyes.

Oh, yeah, okay. What?

Our eyes are the windows
to our soul.

And I can see that
our windows are
connecting beautifully.

Oh, oh, are they?

You know, maybe you and I
should grab a bite.

Dinner tonight.

Oh, you know what?
I can't. I actually,
I have plans.

Cancel them.

With my boyfriend.

Invite him,
bring him along.

We can always send him
home early. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, but, you know, it...
It's our anniversary.

So three's a crowd
kind of a thing.

Maybe tomorrow night.
Yeah, okay.

So, yeah, no,
I actually, I gotta go.

I'm gonna go,
I have to work.

Work, work, work,
you know, see you, Sey.

I'm gonna work.

Work, work, work!

Samantha, hi.

Margaret.

Everything go well
with Seymour?

He can be
a little brusque.

Yeah.

Fine, just fine.

Here.

Here, let me help.

You know, you just let me
know if there's anything

I can do for you
during your stay with us.

Thanks, Margaret,
thanks a million.

Sam would want that,
don't you think?

Yeah.

Listen, you knew my name
when you came in.

Sam must've
talked about me.

Did he?
Uh, yeah, yeah, he did.

He said, um...

"Margaret..."
(CLICKS TONGUE)

"Great gal."

Uh, you have
a wonderful day.

You too.

(SIGHS)

(GLASSES CLINKING)

Who are those for?
Sam?

No, they're for you,
Soo-Soo.

12 white roses
for "I'm sorry,"

and one red rose
for "I love you."

13?

(CHUCKLING)

Here's to you,
Soo-Soo.

Mmm.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

No, no.

Just...
Don't.

...let me...
Don't.

...check really quick.
See who it is.

(SIGHS) If that's Sam
and you answer it,

we are so over.

Johnny, did you get
the results?

This is
the goddamnedest thing.

I've never seen such
a spot-on correlation

between male
and female DNA.

What?
Ever.

Ever.
Never.

I've seen identical twins
that were nowhere
near this close.

But... How, um...

Who do these
belong to anyway?

Thanks, Johnny.
I owe you one.

So, uh, what was
that all about?

If I'm not being
too inquisitive.

It's a long story.

(SIGHS)

Good, so write me
a letter.

Okay.

(EXHALES)

You son of a bitch.

DOC: Okay.

(SCOFFS)

(BANGING ON DOOR)

Okay, okay!

Oh.
(COUGHS)

(BANGING CONTINUES)
Okay, all right, all right.

Keep your pants on!

Ugh.

Doc, Doc,
did you hear?

Yeah, oh, yeah, I heard.

So now you believe me.

I don't know what to believe.

Yeah, but it was
a match, right?
That's what the man said.

Yes!

Uh...
Oh.

All right.

I don't necessarily
believe you.

Okay, you dumb bastard,
what more proof do you need?

But I don't necessarily think
that you're lying either.

I just...
(SIGHS) Jesus.

Yeah, well,
I've been busy, pal.

That's what Sam always said.

Said?

Dude, I'm not dead.
I'm standing right here.

Oh, God,
I need a drink, Jesus.

Doc, you're my best friend.

Actually, you're
my only friend.

Doc, you gotta believe me.

Man, you gotta help me.

I just... I don't know
where to turn.

I wanna...

I wanna help you, Sam.

Sam, that's a good start.

But I don't know how.

Well, goddamned
if I know!

When did this happen?

After the bachelor party.

And what did you say
to me right when you
left the bachelor party?

Mind your own
frickin' business.

Shit.
Prick.

So I go into
this little shop
down in the Village,

I talk to some
funny old dude.

I go home,
I wake up in the morning,
and I'm a chick.

Do you remember
where this place was?

Well, I don't know
exactly.

Well, come on.

Come on!

(MOANS)

DOC: So where's
this magical shop?

I'm telling you,
this is the street.

Hmm. Sure.

Um, excuse me.

Hi, excuse me.

I'm sorry, is there,
um, like a little

bric-a-brac shop
on this street?
A what?

You know, like, um, uh,
a shop with like

a whole bunch
of old crap in it?

MAN: In this
neighborhood?
Yeah.

Yeah, maybe like
50 years ago.

You know what the rent
is like around here?

(CHUCKLES)

(MOCKING)
"You know what the rent
is like around here?"

Nah-nah.

Bric-a-brac?

Okay, okay, fine.

Maybe it's not
this street.

Maybe you're not Sam.

I have patients
in the morning,
and I'm gonna go.

No, no, wait,
okay, wait, wait.

Just... Can we meet
tomorrow then
at our spot?

You know what
I'm talking about?

I do, but do you?

Alice in Wonderland statue,
Central Park.

Well?

Dude, come on, deal?

Cool.

She even eats like him.

(SIGHS)

Why, you got a problem?

You're a pig.

Yeah, well, I'm hungry.

(MOUTHFUL)
Hey, finished with that?

No?

All right, let's go
to your office.

I want you
to examine me.

(EXCLAIMS) What?

No! No.
Eww, no way!

Maybe you can
find something.

Like my cock.

No.

Why the hell not?

Because it's weird,
that's why.

I'm not looking
for your cock.

I'll send you
a referral or something.

I don't want another
gynecologist, I want you.

You're my best friend.
Nice talking to you.

(CHUCKLING)

My gynecologist.

I hear he's very good.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

SAM: Yo, Sey.

Lulu, you are looking
lovely as usual.

I'm sorry,
who are you?

Oh, Lulu, this is
Sam's cousin, Samantha.

She's just
filling in for Sam

while he's off on
some little sabbatical.

Family business.

Oh.

Oh, nothing serious.
Uh, but excuse me.

I gotta take a leak.
A pee... A pi... Um...

Gonna use
the little girl's room.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

She's quite a pistol,
that one. (CHUCKLES)

Seymour, that girl
needs a makeover.

She cannot
meet my new partner
looking like that.

You're absolutely right.
I'll speak to her.

You know,
she's not from New York.

Oh, where is she from?

Uh, she's from, uh...

Um, actually, I don't know
where she's from.

Well, just make sure
she does something
with herself.

Yes, darling.
And Seymour,

you haven't forgotten
our little toys

for our rendezvous
later tonight?

Or else you will feel
the sting of my spatula.

No, I...
(BOTH CHUCKLING)

I'm never without them.

And besides, I love
the sting of your spatula.

Mmm.

I have got you trained
so well, don't I?

Who's your little puppy?

Mmm.

(BARKS)
Oh!

(LAUGHING)

Mmm.

See you later.
Mmm-hmm.
(BARKS)

(EXHALES)
Samantha?

Oh! Down.
Do what?

(WHISPERS)
Get down.

Okay, um,
is this yours?

Oh, yeah.
(CHUCKLES)

Damned earring.

I don't know how the hell
they wear these things.

Oh, they fall out
so easy.

Listen, um, I know it's
sometimes rough starting

a new job, but I think
you will like it here.

Yeah, yeah, I'm, uh,
getting used to it already.

I just want you to know
that I'm here for you, okay?

Thanks, Margaret.
Yeah, thanks a lot.

You know, us girls
gotta stick together.

Um, yeah.

Listen, um, have you
heard from Sam?

Sam?
Oh, God,
are you okay?

I mean, Samantha.

Could I have a word
with you, please?

Uh, yeah.

Margaret.

Thank you.
Gotcha.

What's going on
around here?

Oh, shit.

You're beside yourself.
What's going on?

I'm fine.
Everything's fine.

Well, listen, we have this
very important presentation

for Lulu coming up.

Yeah, I know, I'm...
I'm working on it right now.

Right, well, I need you
to do me a favor.

I'd like you to go
see my friend, Al.
He's a...

He's an image consultant.

Phew.

You think I need
an image consultant?

I mean, it couldn't hurt
to let him fix you up
a little bit.

I mean, on the company,
of course.

Okay, if you... That's what
you think that I need.

I mean, come on.

All women love
makeovers, right?

I'm not all women,
believe me.

Oh, believe me,
I believe you.

I can see for myself.

I mean, sometimes you seem
really tense, you know?

Okay.

What's the matter?
I give a great massage.

Yeah, well,
you know, I...

Have very tender
muscles.

(CHUCKLING)
Tell me about it.

I have a tender muscle
as we speak.

Yeah, okay,
so what...

What kind of a makeover
were you thinking?

Nah, just, you know,
maybe a little makeup.

And hair and maybe
a little cleavage,
you know.

Something a little more
flattering down here.

Okay, yeah,
goddamn it, Seymour.

What?
You're a frickin'
octopus, you know that?

Samantha, that language
is very unladylike.

Oh, yeah? Who said
I'm a lady, huh?

Look, I know you're upset.
Come here. I just wanna
give you a hug.

Hey, can I do
anything for you?

Yeah, yeah, you can.

You can get me
a frickin' gun.

(SEYMOUR CHUCKLES)

Wow. Very sensitive.

Clearly.

How 'bout you?

How 'bout me what?

Are you tense?

Loose as a goose,
Mr. Cavalo.

Shame.

(SIGHS)

Yes, Miss,
what can I get you?

Okay, uh, let's see,

a pint and a shot
of whiskey, please.

And, um, actually,
can you give me the whiskey

while you pour the pint?
Certainly.

You look like
you could use one.

Here you go.
Enjoy.

Oh.

You know,
I just love a woman

who knows how
to drink a drink.

Are you ser...
Seriously, dude,
just screw off, all right?

You... You don't
have to get nasty.

I was gonna buy you
the next one.

Maybe two.

Okay, you know what?
Barkeep, here.

Cancel the pint.

Screw off, man.

Your loss, baby.

Hi, may I offer you
some scotch and sofa?

Oh.

(GASPING)

(SAM SHRIEKING)

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

DOC: What is go...

I'll get rid of whoever
it is, all right?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Yah! Yes?

Jesus.

(PANTING)

Doc.
Oh, no.

Please, no.

I'm bleeding.

Now is not a good time.

I have been hemorrhaging
all night down there.

You're menstruating.
(EXCLAIMING) What?

You're having your period.

I'm riding the cotton pony?

Andrew?

Doesn't your colorful
friend realize

that office hours
haven't begun?

Doc, what am I gonna do?

Buy yourself
some tampons.

Oh, my God.

Okay, you need
to leave right now.

You need to...
You need to get
out of here. Andrew,

you should make her
leave this instant.

Oh, she's still bossing
you around, huh?

Oh! Andrew,
I can't believe

that you are
letting this creature
talk to me like that.

(MOCKING) "Oh, Andrew,
I can't believe
you're allowing

"this creature to talk
to me like that."

Fuck you and the horse
that you rode in on.

DOC: Please, please!
Do I have to
throw you out myself?

Oh! Try it, bitch.

I am warning you,
I do kickboxing.

(CHUCKLING)
Chicks only hit chicks

in the movies,
am I right?

(SLAPS)

Yeah?
(GASPING) Yeah!

DOC: Stop it, stop, stop!

(SHRIEKING)
Ah! Ow!

Get off of me!
(GRUNTING)

(SQUEALING)

(SAM SHOUTS)

(CYNTHIA SCREAMING)

Stop!

Get her off of me!
God!

No!

All right,
enough, enough!

She started it!
She started it!

Sam, I think
you better go.

Sam?

Did you just
call her Sam?

Samantha, she's, uh,
Sam's cousin.

Oh.

Oh, okay, well, this
makes perfect sense.

Shut up.
Why doesn't she go?

Because she
is my fiancee.

And you are
my patient.

Don't ever
do this again.

Wait, no,
can we just...

Can we just talk
about this?

Later.
Well, wait,
but later-later,

or never-later?
Just go.

Oh.

Wait.

Well, what am I supposed
to do with these?

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

(WHISPERING) Great.

You're her to see
Mr. Blondell?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay,
he's with a client.

I gotta get back.

(EXCLAIMS)

Whatever you do,
don't make a sound.

And don't touch
anything.

Okay.
(CLICKS TONGUE)

Mother, isn't it
just divine?

It's... It's glorious.

Shall I wrap it?
Alexander?

ALEXANDER: I can see clear now
that my work is done here.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Thank you, Alexander.
You're wonderful.

Mwah, mwah.

Thank you.
Mwah, mwah.

Come on, honey,
you look gorgeous!

Oh, Marie,
pretty box.

Oh, and don't
forget the purse!

You're Samantha,
my 1:30.

Yeah, no.

No, I'm a...

I'm a...
I gotta go.

Come here.

Okay, look, pal...

I am not pal.

I am Alexander Blondell.

Cool, uh, look, Al...

Mr. Blondell.

Blondie.
Mr. Blondell.

Okay, well, this is
clearly a mistake.

I don't make mistakes.

I make miracles.
And, my dear,

you are in desperate
need of one.

Now come here.
I don't bite.

Unless you displease me.
(CHUCKLES)

Turn around.

Gum.

Hmm...

Hmm.

Hmm.

Is...
No, det-det-det-det.

I'm evaluating you.

Skin, repulsive.

Nails, oh, my God,

what are you
a migrant worker?

That hair.

Did you
just throw up?
Mmm.

I do believe that covers
the preliminaries.

Okay, cool,
so what's the deal then?

Did I pass or what?
(CHUCKLING)

If you had passed,
there would be nothing
for us to do.

(SIGHING)

My studio, tomorrow,
3:00 p.m.,

and let's do try
to be on time now.

Shall we?

Marie,
do something.

ALEXANDER:
Yes, there is such a thing
as an overheated balance.

Look at it!

No, I do not want puce.
I do not want pilot.

It's all...
It looks like a...

(KNOCKING)
Entrez, entrez!

It looks like
a bad Picasso, really.

No, I don't mean
to insult you.
I know he's fantastic.

He's a wonderful
designer, but I...

Oh, oh, my God.

I'll have to
call you back.

My 3:00 lump of clay
has arrived.

Be a dear,
put this on.

(SNIFFLING)

Uh, yeah, man,
listen, uh,

I'm not here
for dance lessons.

Oh, honey,
after 30 years
in choreography,

the last thing I want
to do is to give you
a dance lesson.

I am here to teach you
to be a girl.

What?
Oh, you know,

pink ribbons
and petticoats.

Should I try bangs?

Let's bake brownies
and call boys.

You're kidding, right?

Oh, don't think of it
as losing your
Quasimodo posture or...

(SIGHS)

...that hair.

Think of it as gaining
a new sense of style.

Not to mention
a brand-new arsenal

in the war between
the sexes.

Yeah, see, dude, uh,

my sexes are
warring enough, so...

(SHUSHING)
No.

No.
No!

My "galdar" tells me
you like to wager.

I'm sorry,
did you say "galdar"?

Yes, it's like gaydar
except it reads women
flawlessly.

Hmm.

You like to bet.

Yeah, I mean,
I've, uh,

I've shuffled
a deck or two.

Well, I've got
a wager for you.

If after two weeks with me,
you're not knocking them dead,

I'll pay you my fee.

All right, pal,
you're on.

Okay, I detect
a pattern here.

It's not pal,
it's not dude,
it's Mr. Blondell.

M-I-S-T-E-R
B-L-O-N-D-E-L-L.

All right, whatever.
Now put this on.

No, dude, I...
I'm not wearing a tutu.

It is not a tutu,
now put it on.

Okay, fine, whatever.

Where do you want me
to put on the fucking tutu?

Oh, man.

You can wash your mouth out,
you little slut.

Any time before Armageddon
will be fine.

Ugh! Dude, seriously,
I'm not coming out in this.

Come out, come out,
whatever you are.

To the mirror.

To the mirror.

Tutu's creeping up
my butt.

Not a pleasant journey
for the Lycra, now is it?

Hands out of
your leotard.
(SIGHING)

Look at yourself.
What do you see?

Um...

I don't know,
I see someone

who should've left
ten minutes ago?

I see beauty.

Just the very inkling
of it.

First little bud pushing
its head above the earth.

But it is there.

And for the next
two weeks,

you and I are going
to feed it and water it

and grow it into
the most magnificent flower
of feminine exquisiteness

since Audrey Hepburn
had her breakfast
at Tiffany's.

And so,
my little gamine,

do you have the courage
to bloom?

Uh, um...

I don't know, would it make
a difference if I said no?

Absolutely not.

(SOFTLY) Let's get started.

♪

(INAUDIBLE)

♪

All right, Mrs. Smith?

No.

Doc, you okay?

No.
SAM: Doc.

No.
SAM: Doc!

No.

SAM: (SIGHS) Doc?

(DOC EXHALES)

Doc, please
just hear me out.
No.

(SHAKILY) Doc, please.

You have five minutes.

Well, I paid for an hour.

I'll reimburse you.

Four minutes, 50 seconds.

Why don't you start
by telling me

what the hell
you're doing in my office?

Well, I tried calling you.
I've tried e-mailing you.

It's been two weeks!

I was hoping
you'd get the message.

What message?
The message...

That my life was fine
before you happened!

And totally screwed
everything up.

Did you think
I was just gonna forget

how you nearly broke up
Cynthia and I?

Doc, we're dudes.

We fight, get drunk,
and then make up.

We are not dudes, Sam!

Only one of us is a dude!
That's the problem!

(EXHALES)

That's always going
to be the problem.

Don't you think that
I'm sick of this, too?

Hearing Alvin the Chipmunk
coming out of my mouth

every time I speak?

Having this face staring
back at me every morning!

Okay, relax,
it's not such a bad face.

Maybe you could
get used to it.

No, Doc, no.

I'm not gonna
get used to this.

I don't wanna live
this life anymore.

Hey, don't talk like that.

(EXHALES)

You know about...
About drugs
and hormone therapy

and all that, so...

I don't know, maybe
if I was a dude again,

then everything
would just be okay.

You know, maybe we could
go back to being friends.

You're serious.
As a heart attack.

What you're talking about

requires a lot more
than hormones.

How much more?

We're talking about
serious stuff.

I mean,
it's a full sex change.

Major, major stuff.

How major we talking?

(MUTTERING)

You okay?

You sure you wanna do this?

Give it some time, okay?

Take a minute.

How about we...

We just think it over and...

(EXHALES)

Okay.

Let's just keep this between
the two of us, all right?

Mum's the word, pal.

You know, I am...
I'm starving.

Wanna grab a bite?

And the man at the store
insisted that the ring

was two carats,
but I swear it was
a karat and a half at most,

and I wanted it
yellow backed, anyway.
(SIGHS)

Oh, and get a medial dome
to go with the blooming veil.

I mean, a Y-dome would
just get lost in that kind
of a dress, you know?

Oh, my God.
What?

I understood them.
Who?

Them.

I understood
what they said, I...

Doc, I speak woman.
Or, is it "womanese"?

(FORK CLATTERS)

Okay, you know what?
Five bucks.

Five bucks says
I know what they said.

Yeah?
You're on.

What'd they say?

(SCOFFS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Uh, excuse me, I...

(CHUCKLES) Ladies, I'm sorry,

I don't mean to be rude.
I kinda have a bet
going with a friend,

and I just wanted
to ask you guys,

are you talking about
matching a yellow diamond

with a blue veil?

As a matter of fact,
we were, but...

Who the hell told
you that anyway?

Him.

WOMEN: (BOTH)
Check, please!

DOC: Where'd you learn
to eat like that?

Been taking lessons.

(CHUCKLING)

It's really good to see you
smile for a change.

(CHUCKLES)

So, am I allowed to ask
about you and you-know-who?

No.
(SLAMS FORK)

We're fine, okay?

She's fine.
That good, huh?

Okay, okay, okay, I'm...
Look, I'm behaving.

This is me behaving.

What?

Nothing.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Um...
(CLEARING THROAT)

In the office, uh,

did you really mean
what you said about me

not looking so bad? (CHUCKLES)

Fishing for compliments?

Whatever, forget it.

I...

I, uh, meant
what I said.

You look pretty okay.

I look pretty okay
or I look pretty, okay?

You know what I mean.

And for the record,
you don't sound like
Alvin the Chipmunk.

I don't, really?

Theodore, maybe.
(LAUGHING)

Hey, um...

I need you to explain
something to me.

The doctor is in.

I, uh... (CHUCKLES)

I need you
to explain to me

why there is nothing
happening down there.

You skipped your period.

What?
Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

I, um...

You know, there's
nothing happening.

What?
Oh, God.

You know,
I look at girls, nothing.

I look at guys, nothing.
I look at porn, nothing.

So, what am I, frigid?

Do I have some kind
of mental problems?

I mean...

(SIGHS) I don't know,
I feel like
a fucking female eunuch.

What? What?
A little louder.

I don't think they heard you
in Cleveland.
Tsk.

Look...

It's complex.

Complex?

You touch 'em
in the right spot,
they get hot.

Some women can achieve
full arousal

as quickly as men.

Most can't.

(SCOFFS) Yeah,
but that's just plumbing.

It takes them
a little longer to warm up,

but with me,
there's just like
nothing happening.

Women have
a completely different

mind-body connection
than men.

Their arousal
is more subtle.

It's more intricate.

Which, translated from
New Age psychobabble,
means what?

They have to really like
the person they're with

to feel fully aroused.

Let's face it,
women are complicated.

Yeah,
you're telling me.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Oh, shoot.

The office.

Meeting got pushed up.
I gotta go.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

No.

What's wrong?

Can, um...

Can I just
call you later

and maybe talk more
about the issue?

Sure.

Just, uh, remember
to stay out of trouble.

Promise.

Cross my tits
and hope to die.

(CLICKS TONGUE, CHUCKLING)

See ya.

You look so nice,
Samantha. (CHUCKLING)

Thanks, Margaret.
So do you.

Okay, they're waiting for you
in the conference room.

I punched up the graphics
in the proposal.

Added some extras.

Wow.

Nice work, Margaret.

(CHUCKLING)

(INDISTINCT)

Well, she certainly
cleans up nicely.

You look...

Stunning.

I... I mean stun-ning.

(CHUCKLES) Uh, come over here
and sit next to Seymour.

I'm fine
right over here.

Allow me to introduce
my joint venture partner,

Jean Georges Verham.

Le Conte de Cassis.

Exquisite.

It is truly my pleasure.

Um, uh, thank you.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Have you ever beheld
the Seine at night?

The bridges alight.
A place for lovers.

Well, you're in Manhattan now,
Jean Georges.

Yes, can we please begin
the presentation, please?

Perhaps we could meet
a bit later?

Oh, you know, um...

I'm... I'm very busy
right now.

My schedule is just
filling up very rapidly.

Hmm, quel dommage, ma petite.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

LULU:
Samantha, as I recall,

you had some wonderful ideas
about our Internet campaign?

Oh, yes.

And before I begin,

I would like to just say
thank you

to Margaret
for all the wonderful work

that she did
on these reports.

Now, as you can see
from this chart,

the models that we used
on this season's
online campaign

scored highest between
the ages of 34 and 44.

And the numbers start
to lessen as we...

LULU: (SOFTLY)
Seymour, darling,

if you do not
remove your nose

from Samantha's,
admittedly,

attractive derriere
immediately...

(CLEARING THROAT)

...I will not be tying you up
or spanking you tonight,

or any other night,

and you will lose
my account.

Are we perfectly clear?

Perfectly clear.

Oh, good.
Mwah.

SAM: ...certain things that
are gonna get men's attention.

Great.

Fabulous.

Gorgeous.
(CHUCKLES)

An excellent
presentation, Sam.

May I call you Sam?

I prefer it,
actually.

We will be in touch
about the details.

I look forward to it.

I think this calls
for a little promotion.

We'll go over the specifics
in my office.

Cocktails mandatory.

(CHUCKLES) How about
we skip the cocktails

and settle
on 20% raise?
Huh?

Well, then I would be
earning as much as Sam

for doing the exact same job.
Yeah, well, that's...

A raise, I think
that's a capital idea.

And a bonus, too.

I mean, after all,
she's earned it, hasn't she?

I suppose we could do
a bonus, but...

Seymour...

Remember our little
understanding, don't you?

Oh, of course.

Everything's perfectly clear,
my little tigress.

Mmm...

Meow, baby.

(CHUCKLING)

I think a raise this big
deserves a hug.

Ah, you don't know
what you're missing.

Oh, I'm pretty sure
I do.

And another thing.

That promotion,
it's going to Margaret.

Huh? It is?

Yeah, she earned it.

Actually, she should've
gotten it three years ago,

but you and Sam
were too busy

stealing all of her ideas
to give it to her.

I don't know
about that.

I do.

And I'm sure Lulu
would love to hear

about Margaret's contributions
over the years.

You would do that?

Us girls have
to stick together.

Uh...

Samantha.

Hey, Margaret.

You know, you didn't need
to say that about me

in the meeting
and to Mr. Cavalo.

Actually, I did.

I don't know
how to thank you.

Just keep doing
what you're doing.

Um, I have a favor.
Maybe I shouldn't ask.

No, of course,
of course, anything.

Um, if you speak
with your cousin,

would you tell him
something for me?

Of course.

Would you tell him
that, you know,

I think about him every day
and I really miss him.

You do?

Sure, he's a...
He's a really great guy.

(CHUCKLES)
He was? Is?

Yeah, uh...

Tell you the truth,
I have the worst
crush on him.

And, um,
why is that?

He played like he didn't care
about anyone special, but...

I knew it was
just an act.

Deep down,
he has a really
romantic heart.

A girl can just see
these things.

Oh, and please,
don't tell him

I said that about
the romantic stuff.

And thanks again.

Of course.

(DOC MOANING)

Mmm-hmm.

That feels good, Sam.

Sam?
Mmm.

What is it, Soo-Soo?

You, you just
called me Sam.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you most certainly did.

What the...
What the hell
is going on right now?

What are you talking about?

(SCOFFS) Is it
that cousin of his?

That little tramp
that showed up here

faking her period?
She wasn't faking it.

(SCOFFS) Oh, so now
you're defending her?

No, what, I...

You're... That's not
what I said, I...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God,
you're gay!

(GASPING)

What?
That's it!

I've been
a perfect fool.

You and Mr. Sleazebag have
been having a secret affair

behind my back,
and all this time

I thought
you were straight!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

(PANTING)

Oh, my God.

You, you might be
one really good actor,

but you are one lousy
human being.

I'm straight.

Can we just
talk this over?

There's nothing
to talk about.

Good-bye!

Don't be like this!

You're making things up.

Oh.
Can we just communicate?

What...
Sit down for a second.

We'll talk...
You make me sick!

Get over yourself,
man.

Soo-Soo...
(RING CLATTERS TO FLOOR)

Boo-Boo is sorry.

(RING CLATTERS TO FLOOR)

(SIGHS)

Shit.

So how bad
a fight was it?

I didn't say
we had a fight.

You didn't have to.

You got that
post-fight look.

Droopy shoulders,
a little mopey
around the edges.

Sam, I don't wanna
talk about it.

All right, fine, man,
suit yourself.

(EXHALES)

Hey, dude.

What about me?

What about you?

Well, I might be
a few pounds lighter,

but I can still
catch a football.

Sam, we don't play
tackle football with women.

End of discussion.

Dude, I still got
the chops, come...

Case closed.

Sexist pig.

I heard that.

Ready?
Yeah, I guess so.

All right, guys,
let's play some football!

Yeah, this chick...

Her name's Samantha.

She's Sam's cousin.

Yeah, Steve.

Sam's told me
all about you, dude.

Congratulations
on the wedding,
by the way.

From what Sam tells me,

you're getting, uh,
quite a girl.

Okay.
(CLEARING THROAT)

SAM:
Quite a girl.

Are you kidding
about playing?

Yeah, she's kidding.
No, no, she's not kidding.

We're all great
football players
in my family.

And believe me, guys,
I know how to handle a ball.

(LAUGHTER)

JOEY:
I'm sure you do.

SAM:
One play.
No.

Just give me one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

Okay, let's let her play,
one play.

Come on, let's go.
You're overruled.

Come on, one play.

Let's do it.
JOEY: Come on, guys.

Red team, ball.

Whoo!

JOEY: I hope you're better
than Sam!
Team!

Set, hike.

(GRUNTING)

Oh, got it!
Oh, shit!

(MEN LAUGHING)

You, fucking, Steve!
You get off of me!

Steve, stop grabbing my ass!

(MEN SCREAMING)

Fucker!
DOC: Wait, what?

Get off, Steve!

God!

Save it
for Georgette!
What?

MAN:
You better shut
this girl up.

No, I know how much
you like the ass play.

DOC:
Relax. Come on.

No, you know what,
I don't even know why
you're hanging out

with this bitch instead
of Cynthia anyway.

Don't call her
a bitch, Stephen.

Oh, she's a bitch.

Okay, so now
I'm a bitch.

Oh, you're
a Grade A bitch.

DOC: I told you not
to call her a bitch.

Oh, sorry,
little bitch.

Guys, guys...
DOC: Fucking asshole.

(MEN SHOUTING)

Fight!

Relax, come on, relax.

Listen, come on,
we're all friends.
Shake hands, come on.

Uh-huh.

We're friends.

Doc.

Come on, man, it's okay.
Let it go.

No.

It's not okay,
all right?

Nothing is okay.

SAM: Doc.

You were right.

She left me!

Are you happy now?

SAM: Come on, man,
can we just chat about it?

No, just go home.

All right,
I'm sick of you.

Hey, what about
the game?

Samantha?

I want her on my team
next time.

Shit.

Ugh!
Bunch of assholes!

Freakin' Steve.

(EXHALES)

(SNIFFLING)

(EXHALES)

(SIGHING)

(SOBBING)

(SOBBING CONTINUES)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(EXHALES)

Peace offering.

Listen, Doc, um...

I know that Cynthia
and I don't get along,

but if she's what
you want, then...

Lately, I don't know
what I want.

I do know I am sick
of getting my balls
busted by her.

Well, at least
you have balls.

Oh, God.

You're having
a muscle spasm.

No, it's fine,
it's fine.

I'll just take
some aspirin.

Who's the doctor here?
Lay down.

Come on.

Turn over.

Okay.

Right there?

Oh, God, yeah.

How does that feel?

Oh, much better.

Mmm.

(CHUCKLING)

I, um...

I have to use the John.
(PATS ON BACK)

Oh...

Oh, my God.

She's alive.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

You?

Yes, me.

The doorman was kind enough
to let me up.

And, um,
I think it's time
that, um,

you know, you and I
had a little talk.

SAM: Uh, what would you
like to talk about?

The fact that
you stole my man,

and I'd like him back.

Decent men in this city
are few and far between.

Decent, straight, unmarried
ones are even rarer.

Oh, you forgot rich.

(EXHALES)

Women like me, okay,
successful career women.

Women who think
about tomorrow.

Women who plan
maybe five,

ten years ahead
in their life,

we sometimes,
we have to settle.

Settle?

Settle, or were you
born yesterday?

Actually,
about a month ago.

Andrew is...
He's well-bred, okay?

He's handsome,

he's got all the right
credentials, and...

He's gonna make
an excellent father
to our children.

Wow, you got it
all planned out,
don't you, sister?

As a matter of fact,
I do.

And he doesn't get
a say in any of this?

No, he doesn't.

But you do.

Which brings me

to the point of my visit.

Oh?

How much?

What?

(CHUCKLING)
You heard me.

How much do you want
to, uh, let him go?

I'm sorry, are you
trying to buy me off?

I mean, you're obviously
the type, you know?

I mean, if it walks
like a duck...

How would you like me
to belt you

in the mouth
like a duck?
Okay...

Andrew.

I... I'm...
I'm so sorry.

Just please...
Please what?

Bark?

Roll over?

(SIGHING)
Play dead?

We are so...

...done

(SIGHING)
Okay.

All right, well,
when you change your mind
and you come begging,

don't bother calling,
okay,

because I'm changing
my number.

Change your hairstyle
while you're at it.

Ugh...

It's really not a good...
(DOOR CLOSES)

...look on her, you know?

(SIGHING)

Look, Doc, I would say
that I'm sorry,

but, you know, I'm...
I'm just... I'm just not.

Please.

You just did me
the biggest favor of my life.

Yeah?

Were you really
gonna belt her?

Hell, yeah.

Spunky little thing,
aren't you?

(CORK POPS)

In a manner of speaking.

Damn.
What?

I just realized I don't have
a date to Steve's wedding.

(SNORTS)

You're still going
to that thing?

You saw, we shook.

Well, I would go
with you only...

You are going with me.

Yeah, man,
I don't really think

that Steve would
be cool with that.

Tough.

We're a team,
package deal.

Anybody who doesn't like it
can shove it.

All right, man, cool.

Package deal.

Oh...

SAM: I can't zip
this thing up.

ALEXANDER:
Suck it in, girl.

SAM: Come on, this dress
is not made for a human being.

It's made for a...
ALEXANDER: Anorexic mannequin?

(CHUCKLES)
Welcome to the world
of high fashion.

Now get out there,
killer.

Doc, what do you think?

Is this appropriate enough
for the wedding?

I... (GULPING)

Uh...

Oh, hashtag clue.

A dress like this has nothing
to do with appropriateness.

Its sole purpose
is to engender insane
jealousy among women.

And hormonal overload
in the men.

Well, the straight ones,
at least.

All the gay ones' eyeballs
will be all over
your boyfriend over here.

Oh, no, he's not
my boyfriend.

I'm not
her boyfriend.

They say rather loudly.

(CHUCKLES)

So, Doc, what do you think?
Is this the one? (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, it's good.
(CLEARING THROAT)

It's fine.
Write it up, Marie.

Excellent choice.

What?

Oh, nothing,
I was just thinking of

the looks on the guys' faces
if I play my game
at the wedding.

Your what?

The tricks that chicks use
to get guys' attention?

Okay. For example...

The hair toss.

The lipstick check.

ALEXANDER:
Work it, work it.

If you got it,
flaunt it.

(SOFTLY) I love that movie.

SAM: And last,
but certainly not least,

the stocking check.

Oh, my goodness.

Is that a run?
How perfectly awful.

(CHUCKLING) Yeah.

Works like a charm
every time.

But you gotta have
the gams to back it up.

(CHUCKLES)

ALEXANDER: All right,
let's get this baby in a box

and get you back in
your street schmates.

Hmm.

Oh, my God.

(MOANING)

(CONTINUES MOANING)

(SIGHS)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Sam, what's going on?

What, are...
Is everything all right?

You're downstairs?
Um...

Yeah, uh, yeah,
just come on up.

All right, bye.

What am I doing? (SCOFFS)

He's...

She is sloppier than I am.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Come on in.
(CLEARING THROAT)

(DOOR OPENS)

How's it going?

Um, yeah, good, good, yeah,
I think, um, probably.

Probably?
What's wrong?

You know what?
I'm sorry, I, um...

I'm gonna go.
This can...
Oh!

This isn't...
This can wait.
Oh, hey.

Hold on,
what's wrong?

I'm sensing a disturbance
in the Force.

What's going on?

Well, it's, um,
it's about the issue.

The issue?
Yeah.

Ah, the issue, oh.
Yeah. (CHUCKLING)

The issue, the...
(CLEARING THROAT)

You're still having problems
with the arousal thing?

Oh, God, no, no, actually,
um, it's been fine.

Uh, how fine, like,
um, you know, once a day?

More.

Two, three times a day?

More than three times?
Yeah.

Per day?
Yeah.

How much more?
Six.

Today?

Tonight.

You know what, Doc?
I'm so sorry.

I'm really embarrassed.
I think...

Yeah, I'm gonna,
I'm gonna go.

Whoa, whoa!
Come on, it's fine.

What's going on?

I don't know, it's just that,
you know, she's, um...

She's being
really specific about...

About, um, who she wants.

Like, if I, um, if I think of,

um, this one person,

she gets, like,
really, really happy.

And then if I think
about anyone else,

she gets, like,
really cranky.

So, uh... (LIPS SMACKING)
Who's the lucky, uh...

No, no!
Fuck, oh, fuck, no!

Yeah, Doc, you know,
oh, my God...
No...

It... Ah!
It's so stupid.
I'm so sorry.

You know what, just forget
that I said anything.

Oh, no, no.

Well, you know what,
just wait, hold on.

Uh, um...

Listen, I'm the one
who should be
apologizing here

because you come in
and then you are
honest with me,

and what I do is
I play 20 questions
with you.

Um, that's not fair
'cause...

What you're dealing
with is...

You're trying
to compact, like,

30 years of female
psychological development

into a few really
short months and...

And, um...
I think that
what you're gonna find

is that, uh, in time
the sexual focus,

uh, shifts
and it expands.

And that, uh, there are
techniques you can use,

um, to, uh... (STAMMERING)

I'm babbling.

Yeah.

'Cause I'm completely
full of shit.

Yep.

Sam!

Buddy.
(LAUGHING)

We... We used to
chase babes together.

You know, we would...
(CLEARING THROAT)

We'd get hammered together.

I can't help it!
She won't listen to me.

(GRUNTS)

Time out.

Okay.

Time out.
Let's, um...

Let's breathe.

(BOTH CHUCKLING ANXIOUSLY)

Oh, that's good.
Right like that.

We're gonna breathe.

We had a moment and,
uh, the moment passed.

And we're fine.

You're fine!
I'm in heat!

Sam... Oh, sit, just...

Why don't you sit?
Why don't, um...

(SIGHS)

Eat some chips.

And I'm gonna get,
uh, you a beer.

We're gonna get a beer,

and we're gonna
talk this out.

Mmm.
(CRUNCHING)

(SNIFFING)

Oh...

Oh.
That's nice.

DOC: (LAUGHING)
You, you know...

We are gonna look
back at this,

and we're gonna...

(SNIFFING)

Oh, God,
you smell so...

...good.

Um...

(CHUCKLES) That's...
Those are,
uh, it's just androgens.

Those are pheromones
and it's a chemical...
(MOANING)

What?

I'm getting
the uncontrollable
urge to...

(GULPS) Cuddle.

Oh.

Wow.

Mmm.

Good day, Miss Wellman.

Well, you know
what they say, Lou.

Every day above ground's
a good one.

(CHUCKLING)
Ain't that the truth.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(CLICKS TONGUE, CHUCKLES)

Wow.

"Ye Old Curiosity Shoppe.

"Tonight at midnight,
to make the choice."

♪

(INAUDIBLE)

Congratulations.

Oh, thanks, Doc.
Thanks for coming.

(INHALES SHARPLY)
And, uh, you're here.

It was a beautiful
ceremony.

Thank you.

So, you're Sam's
cousin.

Same blood runs
through our veins.

I've heard
a lot about you.

Only good things,
right?

(CHUCKLES)
So, uh, how is Sam
doing anyway?

Oh, uh, he's like
a new person.

Sort of feels like
he's with us here in spirit.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, uh, we don't want
to hoard all of your time.

Come on, Sam... Mantha.

Let's go get a cocktail.

Enjoy.

Weird.

Feeling a little bit
cocky, eh?

Sorry,
couldn't resist.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh. (CHUCKLES) Hi.

Hi.
(SIGHS)

Having fun?
Yeah.

Uh, you know,
you're supposed to

only get married once.

In theory, anyway.

Listen, Georgette,
I, um...

I know that you
don't like me.

I don't really
know you.

Um, I...
(CHUCKLES)

You know me better
than you think.

I do?

Oh, yeah, you know,
that whole...

(CHUCKLES)

...female intuition
thing, right?

Right. Uh...

Anyway, um...

I hope I'm not
out of line.

Um, just a thought.

If you want it
to work out with Stephen,

I mean, really work out
for the long haul,

just be his friend,

and everything will fall
into place from there.

Wow, uh...

I really didn't
expect that from you.

Yeah, neither did I.

(CHUCKLING)

Thank you, Samantha.

(SIGHS)

(CHUCKLES)

You know, when I was a guy,
I used to do this for girls.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I don't think I've ever
done this for a woman.
(CHUCKLES)

You know...

I think you've grown
your own brand of chivalry.

Thanks, Doc.

What's wrong, Sam?

You seem sad.

I noticed in the car
on the way over.

Let's just talk
about it later, okay?

You know what?
I think...

I think they might be
playing our song.

We have a song?

We do now.

Come on.

♪

May I have this dance?

Eh, does a bear shit...

Of course you may.

(CHUCKLING)

So, what's it like?

What's what like?

Being a woman.

It's, um...

Tsk. It's, like, uh,

someone added 27 frequencies
to my radio dial.

Which means...

Um...

Which means...

When I walk
into a room,

I pretty much know

what's going on
with everybody,

whether they're
happy or horny

or sad or...

If they have
a chance in hell

of stealing you
away from me.

Anybody in here, uh...

Giving you
any competition?

See that blonde over there
by the punch bowl?

Yeah.

Well, she'd have
a shot at you.

If she wasn't so busy
checking out that guy's Rolex

and if...

Yeah?

If you weren't totally
smitten with me.

Oh.

I'm smitten, huh?

Crazy in love.

Wow, you're good.

Feeling's mutual,
by the way.

I know it's you...

Sam.

But you're different.

Good different?

No.

Not good.

Amazing.

GEORGETTE: When's the last
time you kissed me like that?

Tonight.
(CHUCKLES)

Mmm-hmm.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Wow.

What?

What, do you have
a hot date or something?

Come on, you're spoiling
my afterglow.

I have to talk
to you outside.

Right now.

I need a favor.

Anything.

Can you drive me
down to the Village?

Now?

What for?

Do you trust me?

Of course, I trust you.

Well, then, just please
don't ask any questions.

Okay.

If that's the way
you want it.

Okay, but we have to
leave right now.

I need to be there
by midnight.

Doc...

No.
Sam...

No.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(DOOR CREAKING)

♪

MAN:
♪ The mademoiselle
says, "Qui?"

♪ I turn my head, it's me

♪ Could it be true
or a turn of the screw

♪ Or just
those birds and bees?

(HUMMING)

♪ The mademoiselle
says, "Qui?"

♪ Mmm

♪ The mademoiselle
says, "Qui?"

♪ Ain't no room for three

♪ From my ringside seat
Need to beat a retreat

♪ She has me down to a T

♪ Ah

♪ Hm...

♪ The mademoiselle
says, "Qui?"

♪ And my heart

♪ Started to pound

♪ Oh, my toes
all gone to ground

♪ All my feelings for you

♪ So long overdue

♪ The mademoiselle
says, "Qui?"

♪ I close my eyes, it's e

♪ Could it be real?

♪ All those bells
start to peal

♪ I hope that she'll agre

♪ As those bells start to peal

♪ I just can't conceal

♪ The love I decree

♪ Mademoiselle says, "Oui"

♪

♪ Ooh

(HUMMING)

♪ The mademoiselle
says, "Qui?"

♪ I close my eyes, it's e

♪ Could it be real?

♪ As those bells start to peal

♪ I hope that she'll agre

♪ As those bells start to peal

♪ I just can't conceal

♪ All the love I decree

♪ The mademoiselle says

♪ Oui

♪