Original subtitles

-PICTURE THE SCENE.

IT IS 3 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING.

AND THERE YOU LIE IN THE IMAGINED SAFETY OF YOUR OWN

BED, LISTENING IS THAT A MOVEMENT YOU HEAR DOWNSTAIRS?

A SERVANT, PERHAPS, WHOSE DUTY DRIVES HIM TO CHECK THE

SILVER, EVEN AT THIS LATE HOUR.

NO.

IT IS SOMETHING FAR MORE SINISTER.

SO YOU RISE FROM YOUR BED, LOOKING AROUND YOURSELF.

AND WHAT DO YOU SEE IN THE MOONLIGHT?

A POKER.

YES, THE IRON POKER FROM YOUR BEDROOM FIREPLACE.

GRASPING IT FIRMLY IN YOUR HAND, YOU PROCEED TO THE

STAIRS AND DESCEND TO THE HALL.

THERE YOU STOP.

YOU LOOK AROUND.

ALL IS SILENCE.

AND THEN--

[BANG]

[GASPING]

-(ANGRILY) MISS BOXER.

-PICTURE THE SCENE.

-UH, LUNCH, I THINK.

THANK YOU, MR. JARDINE.

-CUT IT OUT, QUATERMASS.

-WHAT'S THE HURRY?

-WARWICK JARDINE'S ON HIS WAY OUT, AND I GOT ON THE WRONG

SIDE OF HIM WHEN I SPRAYED HIS DAIMLER.

-OH, WELL, HE'LL NEVER GET FUNGAL ROT.

-OR A SHINE ON HIS PAINT WORK.

COME ON.

-MRS. THYME.

MISS BOXER.

-I'M SORRY ABOUT THE, UM-- YOU KNOW.

-HOW MUCH MORE OF YOUR PROFESSIONAL ATTENTION MAY WE

LOOK FORWARD TO?

-THE BLIGHT'S ALL BUT GONE.

-ARE YOU?

GOOD.

-HERE'S A TRICK THE REST OF US USE.

IMAGINE HIM IN WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR.

-DOES IT WORK FOR YOU?

-A BIT TOO WELL.

I'VE HAD TO STOP.

YOU NEARLY DONE HERE?

-WE'VE THINNED OUT THE INFECTED LEAVES, SPRAYED TO

PROTECT THE REST OF THEM.

THERE'S NOT A LOT MORE WE CAN DO.

-I'VE GOT A PROPOSAL I'D LIKE TO RUN BY YOU.

TEA SHOP IN HALF AN HOUR?

MAN (OFFSCREEN): FRAZER!

-THE BUNS ARE ON ME.

-IT'S JUST A LITTLE OLD PLACE OUT IN THE COUNTRY.

IT'S BEEN IN THE FAMILY SINCE GOD WAS IN SHORT TROUSERS.

-HOW BIG'S THE GARDEN?

-TINY, TINY.

AND IT'S BARELY WORTH FIVE MINUTES OF YOUR ATTENTION.

ACTUALLY, I'M LYING.

IT'S QUITE HUGE.

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

WHICH GETS YOU MORE INTERESTED?

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO NAIL DOWN A LANDSCAPER?

-MARTIN, JUST DESCRIBE THE PROBLEM.

-I WANT TO PUT THE ELIZABETHAN GARDEN BACK THE WAY IT WAS.

BUT IT'S GONE TO POT.

COULD YOU TAKE A LOOK AT IT?

-YEAH--

-WE'LL, UH, CHECK OUR DIARY, AND LET YOU KNOW.

-I'VE BEEN ASKING ABOUT YOU.

YOU KNOW YOUR STUFF.

AND YOU DON'T PAD YOUR OVERHEADS.

HERE'S MY NUMBER.

I'LL BE HOME ANYTIME FROM 9:00 ON FRIDAY.

-WHY CHECK THE DIARY WHEN THERE'S NOTHING IN IT?

-IT'S BAD BUSINESS TO SEEM TOO EAGER.

ANYWAY, HE'S ALREADY DROPPING HINTS ABOUT OUR LOW OVERHEADS.

-OH, I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT GAVE HIM THAT IDEA.

-HA HA HA.

I'VE ALWAYS FANCIED GETTING MY HANDS ON

AN ELIZABETHAN GARDEN.

LAURA (OFFSCREEN): YES, AND, UH, SPEAKING OF OVERHEADS,

I'VE HAD AN IDEA THAT COULD SAVE US A TON

OF MONEY THIS SUMMER.

ROSEMARY (OFFSCREEN): WHAT IS IT?

OH, DEAR.

LAURA (OFFSCREEN): UH, IF I JUST COME OUT AND TELL YOU,

YOU'LL ONLY SAY NO.

-SEE, YOU'VE GOT YOUR TWO SLEEPING COMPARTMENTS ON

OPPOSITE SIDES WHILE THE MIDDLE OPENS RIGHT OUT IN GOOD

WEATHER.

-OH, I LIKE THIS ONE.

-HAVE YOU BEEN CAMPING BEFORE?

-OH, YES.

IN THE BROWNIES.

MARTIN (OFFSCREEN): THAT'S GREAT NEWS.

-WELL, JUST ONE MORE THING.

MARTIN (OFFSCREEN): WHAT'S THAT?

-IS THERE ANYWHERE DECENT WE CAN STAY?

MARTIN (OFFSCREEN): (LAUGHING) WELL, THAT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU

CLASS AS DECENT.

-WALLS AND A ROOF.

MARTIN (OFFSCREEN): (LAUGHING) WE'VE GOT BAGS OF ROOM.

-OH, GREAT.

RIGHT.

WELL, YOU'RE ON.

AH, WE'LL SEE YOU ON SUNDAY.

-LOOK FORWARD TO IT.

-BYE.

-SLIDE POLES INTO POLE SLEEVES ON OUTSIDE OF FLY SHEET.

BRACE POLE, AND LOCATE POLE PINS ON POLE END.

-WHY DON'T YOU USE THE ENGLISH TRANSLATION?

-I'M SURE IT WILL BE PERFECTLY CLEAR WHEN IT'S LAID OUT ON

THE GROUND.

-AH, HERE WE ARE.

MARTIN SAID WE GO LEFT WHEN WE SEE A POST BOX.

AND THERE IT IS.

[CHILDREN TALKING]

[DOG BARKING]

CHILD (OFFSCREEN): IT'S MY TURN!

[CHILDREN SHOUTING]

-DOESN'T IT GET LONELY WITH MARTIN NOT AROUND DURING THE

WEEK, SUZANNE?

-NOT WITH A CLASS OF 20 TO TEACH.

-WHAT?

YOU WORK, AS WELL?

-PART TIME.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO KEEP IT ALL GOING.

-HUH.

-WE HAVEN'T HAD A HOLIDAY IN FIVE YEARS.

AND THE KIDS GOT SECOND-HAND BIKES FOR CHRISTMAS.

-ISN'T THERE AN INCOME FROM THE ESTATE?

-HUH.

NOWHERE NEAR ENOUGH.

OI, TOBY!

PLAY NICELY.

CHILD (OFFSCREEN): YEAH, BUT IT'S MY TURN TO HAVE THE--

-I'VE HAD THIS ALL WEEK.

-GO ON.

WE'LL FIND OUR OWN WAY TO THE GARDEN.

-COME ON, NOW.

WHY CAN'T YOU LEARN TO SHARE?

-(LAUGHING) OH, DEAR.

-I OUGHT TO WARN YOU.

I'VE PUT MARTIN ON LUNCH DUTY.

-WHY IS THAT WORTH A WARNING?

-WELL, IT DEPENDS ON WHETHER YOU'RE OK WITH CAVEMAN FOOD.

IF HE CAN'T BURN IT, YOU'D BETTER LIKE IT RAW.

LAURA (OFFSCREEN): OH, LORD.

-THIS OLD PRINT SHOWS WHAT IT USED TO BE LIKE.

EVERY GENERATION LEAVES ITS MARK ON THE PLACE.

MARTIN WANTS THIS TO BE HIS.

-WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE US ALONE FOR A BIT?

-YEAH, WE'LL JUST HAVE A POKE AROUND, AND SEE WHAT'S WHAT.

-OK, WELL, COME AND JOIN US WHEN YOU'RE DONE.

LAURA (OFFSCREEN): IT'S GOING TO TAKE A BIT MORE THAN A

PRUNE AND A TIDY.

-NO, IT'S NOT QUITE AS BAD AS IT LOOKS.

THE BASIC LAYOUT'S STILL HERE.

-OOH, YOU ARE THE BIGGEST OPTIMIST I'VE EVER KNOWN.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

ROSEMARY (OFFSCREEN): I RATHER FEAR THAT OLD

SUN DIAL'S LONG GONE.

OH, BUT LOOK AT THIS.

WON'T IT BE SOMETHING?

LAURA (OFFSCREEN): THERE'S BEEN A BUILDING HERE.

YOU CAN SEE THE OLD FOUNDATIONS.

-IT WILL TAKE MORE THAN THE TWO OF US TO

GET THOSE DUG OUT.

-HMM.

WE'LL HAVE TO GET IN SOME EXTRA LABOR.

-HMM.

BIG HUNKY BLOKES WITH PICKS AND SHOVELS.

-AND A COUPLE OF DECK CHAIRS.

-DECK CHAIRS?

-SO WE CAN SIT AND WATCH.

-HAH.

-PARDON ME.

-WERE YOU SENT TO FETCH US?

SORRY WE'RE TAKING SO LONG.

-I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

I'M JIM.

-LAURA THYME.

-ROSEMARY BOXER.

-I WOULD COUNT IT A GREAT FAVOR IF YOU DIDN'T MENTION

THAT YOU'D SEEN ME.

-WHAT?

-I'M NOT REALLY SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM THE PROPERTY.

-OH, WELL, I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

BUT YOU CAN'T ASK US TO COVER FOR YOU.

-WE'RE GUESTS HERE.

-I'LL JUST GO THEN.

-ME BRING MEAT FROM MIGHTY AGA.

[CLAPPING AND CHEERING]

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

[DOG BARKING]

SUZANNE (OFFSCREEN): THERE'S FREE ICE CREAM FOR ANYONE WHO

CAN TAKE THESE SCROUNGY DOGS AWAY FROM THE TABLE.

[DOGS BARKING]

[CHILDREN'S VOICES]

-A PLANT PATHOLOGIST?

-THAT'S RIGHT.

-LIKE QUINCY OF THE GREENWOOD?

-IF YOU LIKE.

-DON'T LET HIM WIND YOU UP.

-NO, NO, NO.

I'M INTRIGUED.

I'D LIKE TO KNOW HOW YOU DO A POST-MORTEM ON A TREE.

-WITH A CHAIN SAW.

-ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS?

-YOU STARTED IT.

[LAUGHING]

-HAVE YOU LIVED HERE ALL YOUR LIFE?

-BORN HERE.

WENT AWAY, CAME BACK.

NOW I'M IN CHARGE OF THE LYVEDON TRUST.

-AND THE FIRST GIRL I EVER KISSED.

-OOH.

-BUT DON'T YOU DARE TELL THE MRS. THAT.

KATIE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

-THANKS, I'M ON CALL.

-ARE YOU A DOCTOR?

-ANESTHETICS.

AND I'VE HEARD ALL THE JOKES, THANK YOU.

-AND WHAT DO YOU DO?

-BOOK JACKETS.

I'M AN ILLUSTRATOR.

-REALLY?

WOULD I HAVE SEEN ANY?

- I DON'T KNOW.

CAN YOU READ?

-CHRIS!

-WHAT?

-FERN, THAT'S A LOVELY NAME.

WHERE'D IT COME FROM?

-MUM'S AN OLD HIPPIE.

YOU WOULDN'T KNOW IT TO LOOK AT HER NOW.

-I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TAKE THAT.

-I THINK YOU'RE VERY LUCKY.

-I KNOW.

IF I'D BEEN A BOY, IT WOULD'VE BEEN BAMBI.

[LAUGHING]

-SEE THERE'S ANOTHER JOB HALF FINISHED.

LOOKS LIKE YOU'LL BE LEFT WITH A BUILDER'S YARD.

-IT BELONGS TO THE ODD-JOB MAN.

AND HE ONLY COMES BACK BECAUSE WE HIDE HIS TOOLS.

I THINK MARTIN FELL FOR YOU TWO BECAUSE YOU'LL LIVE ON THE

JOB TILL IT'S DONE.

-OH, DID YOU TELL MARTIN ABOUT THE MAN WE SAW?

-NO, UH--

-WHERE WAS THIS?

-AT THE DOOR IN THE WALLED GARDEN.

-SEE, HE SEEMED A BIT ODD.

HE ASKED US NOT TO SAY THAT WE'D SEEN HIM.

HE SAID HIS NAME WAS JIM.

-COUSIN JIM.

-WHAT DID HE WANT?

-I DON'T KNOW.

HE DIDN'T MAKE A LOT OF SENSE.

-I THOUGHT HE'D BEEN TOLD TO STAY AWAY.

-IS THERE SOMETHING WE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?

-NO.

HE'S PERFECTLY HARMLESS.

BUT HE'S TROUBLED.

NOTHING YOU SHOULD LOSE ANY SLEEP OVER.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, LAURA HERE ABSOLUTELY INSISTS ON SPURNING

OUR HOSPITALITY FOR A NIGHT UNDER THE STARS.

WHERE'S THE BEST SPOT TO PITCH THE TENT?

-OH, DEFINITELY THE DINGLE.

DOWN BY THE RIVER.

-WELL DONE, GIRLS.

YOU'VE JUST SPARED MY POOR, LONG SUFFERING A WHOLE HEAP OF

EXTRA LAUNDRY.

[LAUGHING]

-CHEERS.

-CHEERS TO THAT.

-DID YOU NOTICE HOW EVERYONE REACTED WHEN COUSIN

JIM'S NAME CAME UP?

-I AM SO HAPPY TO BE INSIDE A THIN LAYER OF NYLON WHILE

HEATHCLIFF'S OUT THERE, STALKING THE COUNTRYSIDE.

-MARTIN SAYS HE'S HARMLESS.

-MARTIN'S IN A HOUSE.

[LEAVES RUSTLING]

-YOU SEEM TO BE GETTING ON WELL WITH CHRIS.

IS HE THE ARTIST?

-HMM.

HE SAYS HE'S ALWAYS ON THE LOOKOUT FOR LIFE MODELS.

-OOH, I'D WATCH HIM.

-NO, NO.

I DON'T THINK THAT WAS WHAT WAS ON HIS MIND.

NOT WITH HIS WIFE SITTING RIGHT THERE.

LAURA (OFFSCREEN): OOH, I DON'T KNOW.

THESE ARTISTIC TYPES.

"WHILE TITIAN WAS MIXING ROSE MADDER, HIS MODEL

RECLINED ON A LADDER.

HER POSITION TO TITIAN SUGGESTED COITION, SO HE RAN

UP THE LADDER

AND AT HER." [LAUGHTER]

-ANYWAY, IT'S WHO HE WANTS TO PAINT.

-LAURA, YOU AWAKE?

LAURA (OFFSCREEN): (MUMBLING)

-I'M GOING FOR WATER.

-OOH.

[WATER RUNNING]

-AAAH.

[WATER RUNNING]

-JIM?

JIM!

OFFICER (OFFSCREEN): START DOWN THERE.

THE LAST PERSON THAT FELL IN THIS RIVER TURNED UP THREE

DAYS LATER AND A MILE DOWNSTREAM.

-DEAD?

-UPSETTING FOR YOU, I KNOW.

BUT I CAN TELL YOU THIS.

ONE WAY, OR ANOTHER, THIS WAS A TRAGEDY WAITING TO HAPPEN.

IF JIM FRAZER HADN'T TOPPED HIMSELF, SOMEONE AROUND HERE

WOULD HAVE MURDERED HIM.

-WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

-HE WAS A LONER.

HE WAS A BIT STRANGE.

AND HE MADE IT HIS LIFE'S MISSION TO RUB PEOPLE

UP THE WRONG WAY.

YOU ASK GEORGE HAMILTON TEED.

-GEORGE WHO?

-HAMILTON TEED.

EDITOR OF THE "LYVEDON OBSERVER." HE CAN FILL HIS

LEDGERS PAGE 10 TIMES OVER WITH THE STUFF HE GOT FROM OUR

JIM.

-IF IT WASN'T FOR THE LAW OF LIBEL.

LOOK, I KNOW IT'S A BIT OF A BAD TIME, BUT CAN I HAVE A

QUICK WORD?

-I WAS AT A BREAKFAST MEETING IN CHAMBERS.

HAVE THEY FOUND ANY SIGN OF HIM YET?

-THEY SAY HE COULD FETCH UP ANYWHERE DOWN RIVER.

I'LL GET AWAY AS SOON AS I CAN.

YOU KNOW WARWICK JARDINE.

MENTION COMPASSIONATE LENIENCE, HE'LL REACH FOR A

DICTIONARY.

-WELL, THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO FOR JIM ANYWAY.

-MARTIN.

-I'VE GOT TO GO.

I'LL CALL YOU TONIGHT.

-BYE, LOVE.

-ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE THE DAY OFF?

-SCHOOL'S CLOSED FOR HALF-TERM.

-HERE.

-DO YOU WANT US TO CARRY ON WITH THE GARDEN?

-OH, LORDY.

YES, NOTHING CHANGES THERE.

YOU'LL HAVE SOME HELP WITH THE HEAVY WORK.

-APPARENTLY JIM WROTE TO THE LOCAL NEWSPAPER, COMPLAINING

ABOUT EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.

AND ALL OF IT UNPRINTABLE.

-WELL, EVERYONE NEEDS A HOBBY.

-WELL, THIS WAS LIKE AN OBSESSION.

I THINK HE SAW HIMSELF AS THE CONSCIENCE OF THE VILLAGE.

-YOU AREN'T LETTING THIS GET TO YOU?

-WELL, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?

YOU DIDN'T SEE THE LOOK HE GAVE ME.

OH, AND THE POLICEMAN SAID THAT IF JIM HADN'T THROWN

HIMSELF IN THE RIVER WHEN HE DID, HE--

-LADIES.

-OH.

-I THINK IT'S OUR LABOR FORCE.

-COOL HAND LUKE AND THE GANG.

-NOT GOING TO EAT YOU.

NOT HERE IN BROAD DAYLIGHT, ANYWAY.

-IT'S ALL VERY WELL FOR AN EX-COPPER.

YOU HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH LAW BREAKERS.

WHAT IF ONE OF THEM TRIED TO MAKE A RUN FOR IT?

-THERE'S NO WOODEN HORSE.

AND STEVE MCQUEEN HIMSELF COULDN'T GET A

MOTORBIKE OVER THAT WALL.

-WELL, HE'S NOT GOING TO BE MUCH OF AN OBSTACLE.

-DON'T BE MISLEAD BY OUR MR. COUTTS.

HE'S LIKE A COILED SPRING.

-HELLO.

-WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO INTRODUCE THE BOYS?

-HUXTON RYMER, MP.

RING ANY BELLS?

-OOOH.

-GEORGE MARSDEN PLUMMER.

AN EXAMPLE TO US ALL.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO BURN DOWN A BUILDING, AND CLAIM FROM FIVE

DIFFERENT INSURANCE COMPANIES, MAKE SURE YOU PUT THE CLAIM

FORMS IN THE RIGHT ENVELOPES.

-YOU LOOK FAMILIAR.

-I'M RUPERT WALDO.

CELEBRITY CHEF.

YOU MAY HAVE SEEN MY SHOW ON THE HOME AND KITCHEN CHANNEL.

-YOU DIDN'T POISON SOMEONE ON AIR, DID YOU?

-FRAUD, I'M AFRAID.

THOSE, UH, RECIPE BOOKS WITH MY NAME ON THEM.

DIDN'T WRITE A SINGLE ONE OF THEM.

-THEY PUT YOU IN JAIL FOR THAT?

-WELL, PLUS A SMALL MATTER OF MISSTATED PROFITS AND THE

INLAND REVENUE.

-SO WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING HERE?

-WE ARE ON LOAN TO MR. FRAZER FROM BLEAKMOOR GRANGE.

HE'S DONE A DEAL WITH THE GOVERNOR.

HE HAS AN EYE FOR A BARGAIN, MR. FRAZER.

I BET HE GOT YOU CHEAP.

-UM, ANY CHANCE OF A LOOK AT A PLAN?

-THERE'S BEEN A-- A BUILDING HERE THAT DOESN'T APPEAR ON

THE ORIGINAL PLAN.

-NO.

UM, NOW THIS WAS THE VICTORIAN CHAPEL.

AS UGLY A PIECE OF JERRY-BUILDING AS EVER SPOILED

A GARDEN.

-IT HAD BEEN A RUIN FOR YEARS.

WE SPENT THE LAST THREE WEEKS LOADING UP STONES FOR CARTING

AWAY.

-WELL, WE'LL HAVE TO, UM, DIG OUT THE FOUNDATIONS AND MAKE

THE GROUND GOOD BEFORE WE CAN RECREATE

THE ELIZABETHAN DESIGN.

-WHEN THE JUDGE SAID 10 YEARS, HE NEVER MENTIONED HARD LABOR.

-IS THIS A PROBLEM?

-I AM KIDDING.

WE'RE ALL VOLUNTEERS.

YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONES THAT WANT TO SEE THIS GARDEN

RESTORED, YOU KNOW.

-HAVE YOU DONE THIS SORT OF THING BEFORE?

-BEST WINDOW BOX DISPLAY KETTLE HAMPTON

FLOWER SHOW LAST YEAR.

-(PROUDLY) RUNNERS-UP BEST GARDEN (SLIGHTLY CHAGRINED) IN

A SMALL, ENCLOSED YARD.

-THEY'D HAVE GIVEN US BEST HANGING BASKET.

BUT THEY WOULDN'T LET US HAVE A LADDER.

[LAUGHTER]

-OH, ROSEMARY?

-WHAT?

-WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THESE HOLES?

-WE'VE BEEN SEEING THEM ALL OVER.

-OH, I DIDN'T KNOW MOLES BROUGHT THEIR OWN SPADES.

-HMM.

-MAYBE THAT'S WHY JIM WAS SNEAKING INTO THE GARDEN.

-DIGGING IN THE CHAPEL RUINS FOR SOME ANCIENT FAMILY

TREASURE?

-HMM.

HAVE THEY FOUND JIM?

-NOBODY FOUND ANYTHING.

LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE VERY COMFORTABLE HERE.

BUT, WOULD YOU MIND AWFULLY STAYING WITH ME

IN THE HOUSE TONIGHT?

MARTIN CAN'T GET BACK UNTIL MORNING.

-WELL, IF YOU INSIST.

COME ON, ROSEMARY.

WE CAN'T LET SUZANNE DOWN.

-AHH.

AH HAH HAH.

-ENJOY IT WHILE YOU CAN.

-OH, I WILL.

I WILL.

[CHILDREN'S VOICES]

-TOBY.

TIM.

BACK INTO BED RIGHT NOW, AND STAY THERE.

MOMMY'S GOT FRIENDS ROUND.

[CHILDREN'S VOICES INDISTINCTLY FROM UPSTAIRS]

-AS LONG AS THEY STAY UPSTAIRS AFTER 8 O'CLOCK, THAT'S ALL

THE VICTORY I ASK FOR.

-AH, WHO'S JOINING US?

-GWYNNE.

YOU MET HER YESTERDAY.

SHE'S MY BEST FRIEND IN THE VILLAGE.

AND SHE WAS MARTIN'S FIRST GIRLFRIEND, I KNOW.

HE TELLS EVERYONE.

AND THEN HE TELLS THEM NOT TO MENTION IT TO ME.

-(LAUGHING) BLESS HIM.

-CHEERS.

[PHONE RINGING]

-WHOEVER IT IS, I'VE HAD ENOUGH FOR ONE DAY.

-THEY MIGHT HAVE FOUND HIM.

-WELL, THAT'S THE LAST THING I WANT TO THINK ABOUT.

MARTIN (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): HELLO, LOVE.

OLD HAUSERSTOKES SAYS I CAN TAKE THE REST OF THE WEEK OFF

ONCE I'VE COVERED THE CUSTODY HEARING.

SO I'LL DEFINITELY BE HOME BY TOMORROW, I PROMISE.

I'LL TRY AND BE BACK BY NIGHT.

[DISHES CLANKING]

-BY THE WAY, I STOPPED BY AND FED JIM'S CHICKENS ON THE WAY

OVER.

-OH, THANKS.

-OK.

-HAS ANYBODY ANY IDEA WHAT MADE HIM DO IT?

-NOBODY WAS THAT CLOSE TO HIM.

NOBODY WANTED TO BE.

-OH, THERE'LL BE SO MUCH TO DO.

THERE'S THE WHOLE HOUSE TO CLEAR.

-WE DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT HE'S DEAD YET.

-BLESS YOU FOR HELPING, BUT YOU DON'T INTERRUPT RAPIDS

DOWNSTREAM.

-HE DIDN'T GET OUT BEFORE THAT?

-HE DIDN'T GET OUT.

-WHY DID MARTIN HAVE TO WARN HIM OFF?

-JIM COULD NEVER APPRECIATE THE FINE LINE BETWEEN BEING A

WELCOMED GUEST AND A TRESPASSER.

-(ADMONISHINGLY) GWYNNE.

GWYNNE (OFFSCREEN): WELL, LOOK AT THE NUMBER OF TIMES MARTIN

CAUGHT HIM ON THE PROPERTY.

YOU SAW FOR YOURSELVES.

NEVER MIND SHE'S HERE ON HER OWN WITH THE

CHILDREN ALL WEEK.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[DOOR OPENS]

-OH, THAT'LL BE FERN.

I TOLD HER TO CALL BY AFTER WORK IF SHE NEEDS A LIFT HOME.

YOU'RE EARLY, DARLING.

-ONLY THREE TABLES, AND THE TIPS WERE LOUSY.

-DO YOU WANT ANYTHING TO EAT?

-OH, CHEF MADE ME SOME CHIPS.

WHAT WERE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

-I'LL GIVE YOU ONE GUESS.

-WELL, I SAW JIM HANGING OUT HERE ON FRIDAY NIGHT.

-WHEN?

-WHEN I WAS WALKING TO WORK.

HE WAS OUT THERE ON THE LANE, OUTSIDE THE GATES.

I RECKON HE DIDN'T WANT ME TO SEE HIM

POSTING ONE OF HIS LETTERS.

-YOU MEAN ONE OF THE LETTERS HE SENT TO THE LOCAL PAPER?

-JIM WAS HARMLESS.

-HE COULD HAVE A NASTY MIND WHEN IT

CAME TO CERTAIN PEOPLE.

-GWYNNE!

PLEASE.

-WHAT ABOUT SOME ACIDIC FERTILIZER?

-SEE WHAT I'VE GOT IN.

-JIM?

SORRY.

SORRY.

[CAR HONKING]

-THEY FOUND JIM'S BODY IN THE RIVER.

MARTIN'S JUST BEEN TO IDENTIFY HIM.

-JUST STAND UP, SAY WHAT YOU SAW, AND SIT DOWN.

THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT.

-MORNING.

-GOOD MORNING.

-MORNING.

-ROSEMARY, I THINK OUGHT TO WARN YOU.

DO YOU KNOW WHO THE CORONER FOR THE LYVEDON BOROUGH IS?

-NO.

-WELL, TECHNICALLY, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ME.

BUT WHEN THERE'S A CLASH OF INTEREST, WHAT HAPPENS IS--

-SURELY MARTIN CAN'T BE EXPECTED TO PRESENT OVER HIS

OWN COUSIN'S INQUEST.

-NO, OF COURSE NOT.

WHEN SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENS, THEY SWAP DUTIES WITH

THE PART-TIMER FROM THE NEXT BOROUGH.

-WELL, WHY WOULD THAT BE A PROBLEM FOR ROSEMARY?

-WARWICK JARDINE?

YOU'RE JOKING.

-THE BODY WAS WASHED DOWN RIVER, AND WAS RETRIEVED FROM

THE WEIR AT 11 O'CLOCK ON TUESDAY MORNING.

IT WAS IN A VERY POOR CONDITION.

BUT MR. MARTIN FRAZER WAS ABLE TO IDENTIFY HIS

COUSIN AT THE SCENE.

-AND THE REASON FOR THAT POOR CONDITION BEING--

-ALL THE ROCKS AND STONES.

IT'S A VERY FAST-MOVING RIVER.

OUR PATHOLOGIST SAID IT WAS THE BATTERING THAT KILLED HIM.

-THANK YOU, CONSTABLE STUART.

AND NOW I'D LIKE TO HEAR FROM MISS ROSEMARY BOXER.

-I SAW JAMES FRAZER OUT ON THE STEPPING STONES.

HE SEEMED TO BE WAITING FOR SOMETHING.

AND HE LOOKED STRAIGHT AT ME FOR A MOMENT.

AND THEN HE JUST LET HIMSELF FALL INTO THE WATER.

-DID HE STRUGGLE OR CRY OUT?

-NO, HE WAS CARRIED AWAY IN A MATTER OF SECONDS.

-SO, IN EFFECT, YOU WERE THE LAST PERSON TO SEE HIM ALIVE.

MISS BOXER?

-I THOUGHT I SAW HIM AGAIN AT THE TUESDAY MARKET.

IT WAS ONLY FOR A SECOND, AND I--I COULDN'T BE SURE.

BUT IT ISN'T A FACE THAT I'D QUICKLY FORGET.

-MISS BOXER, I WANT YOU TO THINK VERY CAREFULLY ABOUT

WHAT YOU'RE TELLING US.

-I THOUGHT I SAW HIM, BUT I COULDN'T SWEAR TO IT.

-MISS BOXER, THIS IS A CORONER'S COURT.

YOU ARE SWEARING TO IT.

-IN THAT CASE, I WOULD HAVE TO SAY THAT I

WAS PROBABLY MISTAKEN.

-THANK YOU.

-YOU CAN FORGET IT NOW.

IT'S OVER.

-ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT THE SUICIDE VERDICT, MISS BOXER?

THANK YOU.

-WELL, HE MIGHT HAVE WAITED FOR AN ANSWER.

-HE'S A JOURNALIST.

HE CAN MAKE UP HIS OWN--

-YOU POOR THING.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

-OH, I'M FINE.

-YOU MUSTN'T TAKE ANY OF THAT AWFUL SUMMING UP PERSONALLY.

-YEAH, ANYONE CAN HAVE A WILD AND IRRATIONAL FLIGHT OF

FANTASY AT ANY TIME.

I KNOW I CAN.

-THANK YOU.

-I, UH--

I WONDERED IF YOU HAD A CHANCE TO MENTION YOU-KNOW-WHAT TO

YOU-KNOW-WHO?

-WHAT?

-ABOUT POSING.

-NO, I DIDN'T SEE THE ACTUAL EVENT.

-NO, I DON'T THINK SHE'S INTERESTED.

-OH.

-YEAH, I'M SORRY, MARTIN.

BUT IF WARWICK JARDINE HADN'T PUT ME ON THE SPOT, I WOULDN'T

EVEN HAVE MENTIONED IT.

-YOU COULD SEE WHAT I'M GETTING AT, THOUGH, CAN'T YOU?

THE LAST THING I WANT IS SUZANNE AND THE KIDS BEING

SPOOKED WHEN I'M NOT HERE.

-I'M NOT SAYING THAT THEY'RE GOING TO MEET THEIR DEAD UNCLE

JIM ON THE DOORSTEP IN THE MOONLIGHT.

-I SAW HIM DEAD.

YOU SAW HIM DIE.

WHAT ARE YOU SUGGESTING, ROSEMARY?

SOME KIND OF FUNNY BUSINESS?

-SHE WAS UNDER OATH, MARTIN.

SHE HAD TO SAY WHAT SHE BELIEVED SHE SAW.

-I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

DO THIS, AND YOU'LL BE DOING ME A BIG

FAVOR AT THE SAME TIME.

GO TO JIM'S COTTAGE.

SORT OUT HIS BLOODY ANIMALS FOR ME.

YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION TO SNOOP, SNEAK, AND CRAWL ALL

OVER THAT PLACE.

AND IF YOU FIND ANYTHING THAT SMACKS OF DODGY BUSINESS, TELL

CONSTABLE STUART.

TELL THE WORLD.

BUT MOST OF ALL, TELL ME.

BECAUSE I WANT TO BE THE FIRST TO KNOW.

-SHH.

-AS IF THIS ISN'T EMBARRASSING ENOUGH.

-I--

I'M SERIOUS.

JIM WAS MY COUSIN, BUT WE GREW UP LIKE BROTHERS.

HE WAS THE BEST FRIEND A BOY COULD ASK FOR.

IT BROKE MY HEART TO SEE HOW HE WENT AS HE GOT OLDER.

HOW DO YOU THINK IT FELT TO WATCH HIM TURN INTO THE

VILLAGE NUTTER?

-MARTIN.

-WELL, THAT'S WHAT HE WAS.

THAT WAS NOT THE JIM THAT I KNEW.

THE JIM THAT I KNEW WAS HERE.

THE MAN THAT YOU SAW WAS A STRANGER TO ME.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT PUSHED HIM OVER THE EDGE.

BUT IT ONLY PUT HIM IN A KINDER PLACE.

-PERHAPS WE SHOULD DISCUSS THIS AGAIN WHEN WE'RE ALL A

LITTLE BIT LESS WORKED UP.

(SHOCKED) ROSEMARY.

LAURA (OFFSCREEN): I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

ROSEMARY (OFFSCREEN): WELL, YOU CAN'T EXPECT MARTIN TO

MOVE CHICKENS AND A GOAT IN THE FAMILY PEUGEOT.

-YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

-CONSTABLE STUART SAID THAT IF JIM FRAZER HADN'T TOPPED

HIMSELF, SOMEBODY AROUND HERE WOULD HAVE MURDERED HIM.

WELL, WHAT IF SOMEBODY HAS?

-HE STILL WOULDN'T BE ALIVE, AND WALKING AROUND THE MARKET.

-UNLESS THE JIM WE SAW IN THE GARDEN WASN'T MARTIN'S COUSIN,

BUT SOMEONE PRETENDING TO BE HIM.

-WHY?

-BECAUSE THE REAL COUSIN JIM'S ALREADY

DEAD, AND IN THE RIVER.

-WHAT ARE YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH GOATS?

-NONE.

-CHICKENS?

-ONLY IN SOUP OR SANDWICH FORM.

-GWYNNE SAID SHE'S BEEN POPPING AROUND TO FEED THEM.

POOR THINGS.

LOST YOUR DADDY?

WHAT?

GO ON.

NO ONE'S GOING TO JUMP OUT AT YOU.

-I WOULDN'T BE SO SURE.

-(WHISPERED DISAPPROVINGLY) ROSEMARY.

(NORMAL VOLUME) WHY WOULD ANYONE MURDER JIM, AND THEN

PRETEND TO BE HIM JUST TO CHUCK HIMSELF IN THE RIVER?

-SO EVERYONE WOULD ASSUME IT WAS SUICIDE WHEN JIM'S ACTUAL

BODY TURNED UP DOWNSTREAM.

-BEARING THE MARKS OF A MURDER VICTIM?

-NO, NOT NECESSARILY.

YOU'D HAVE A HARD TIME SORTING OUT THE INJURIES AFTER THE

RIVER BED PINBALL.

-WHY DIDN'T YOU TRY AND FIND SOME PICTURE ID?

SURELY THAT WOULD SETTLE THE QUESTION ONCE AND FOR ALL.

-HELP ME LOOK.

-NO, I SHALL BE ESTABLISHING A RAPPORT WITH A GOAT.

-WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT?

-IF YOU NEVER TRAVEL, YOU DON'T NEED A PASSPORT.

AND IF HE DIDN'T HAVE A CAR--

-NOT ONE PICTURE OF HIM, THOUGH.

NOT ANYWHERE IN THE HOUSE.

-PEOPLE KEEP PICTURES OF OTHER PEOPLE.

THAT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE SIGNIFICANT.

-UNLESS THAT MEANS THAT SOMEBODY WENT THROUGH THE

PLACE BEFORE US.

I'D CALL THAT SIGNIFICANT.

-YOU HEARD MARTIN.

HIS LANDLORD'S KEY WAS THE ONLY SPARE.

-STRANGE.

EVEN MARTIN DIDN'T HAVE A PICTURE.

AND SPEAKING OF MARTIN, HE SEEMS TO BE THE ONLY PERSON

AROUND HERE WHO DOESN'T GET A MENTION IN JIM'S

LETTERS TO THE PRESS.

I WONDER IF THEY'RE ALL HERE.

-WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE?

-CARBON COPIES.

-(APPALLED) YOU-- YOU NEVER TOOK THEM FROM THE COTTAGE.

-WELL, I'M ONLY DOING WHAT MARTIN TOLD ME TO.

[EXASPERATED SNORT]

-OH, LISTEN TO THIS ONE.

"SHE HAS ACCESS TO ALL THOSE DRUGS AT THE HOSPITAL.

BUT SOMEONE OUGHT TO ASK HER WHAT SHE'S HOARDING IN THAT

BRIDGE."

-WHO?

-KATIE STEVENS, THE ANESTHETIST.

DRUGS!

MAYBE JIM SAW SOMETHING THERE THAT COULD

HAVE GOT HIM KILLED.

-KATIE.

-MMM.

ONE OF US HAS A PERFECT EXCUSE TO KNOW WHO'S AROUND THE

STEVENS' HOUSE.

-WHO WOULD THAT BE?

-I'M NOT THE ONE HER HUSBAND WANTS TO PAINT.

-YOU SEE?

-NOTHING MUCH GOT PAST HIM, DID IT?

"SHE'S GROWING UP A TERRIBLE FLIRT, BUT THEN LOOK AT WHO

HER FATHER WAS."

-WHICH ONE'S THAT?

LAURA (OFFSCREEN): THE ONE ABOUT GWYNNE'S DAUGHTER.

ROSEMARY (OFFSCREEN): FERN?

LAURA (OFFSCREEN): MM.

ROSEMARY (OFFSCREEN): NOW, JUST REMEMBER.

IF YOU SEE HIM START MIXING ROSE MADDER--

[LAUGHING]

IS THAT THE FACE YOU'RE GOING TO POSE WITH?

-I DON'T CARE HOW CHARMING HE IS.

THE KIT STAYS ON.

[DISTANT VOICES]

-HELLO?

[GROWLING]

[LAURA YELLS]

[SCREAMING]

[CLICK OF CAMERA]

-OH.

HI, HER.

-HELLO, MRS. THYME.

-BE WITH YOU IN ABOUT 10 MINUTES.

YOU WANT TO FIND THE KITCHEN?

GRAB A COFFEE?

THRUD THE BARBARIAN.

REPRINTING THE WHOLE SERIES WITH NEW COVERS.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE ALL WRITTEN BY PSYCHIATRISTS.

-I'LL, UH, LEAVE YOU TO IT, THEN.

-(TEASING) FULL MONTY.

-DAH.

HEY, IF MY SERGEANT SAW THAT.

-ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO.

SETTLE DOWN.

COME ON.

WORK TO DO.

-MILK?

-FEELING PEAKY?

THAT COULD SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS.

-AH.

-IT'S FOR THE CHILDREN'S LITTLE AILMENTS.

I MAKE IT UP MYSELF.

DO YOU KNOW HOW HOMEOPATHY WORKS?

-YOU TAKE A HEAVILY DILUTED FORM OF SOMETHING THAT WOULD

CAUSE THE SAME SYMPTOMS AS THE DISEASE.

-AH, YOU'VE DONE STUDY.

-JUST WHAT I'VE READ IN MAGAZINES.

-OF COURSE, WHEN THEY SET THE DILUTION LEVELS, THEY FAILED

TO REALIZE YOU NEED TO DRINK 8,000 GALLONS OF THIS STUFF TO

GET ONE MOLECULE OF THE ADDITIVE.

SO THEN THEY CAME UP WITH THE MEMORY OF WATER.

-I WAS NEVER THAT GOOD AT SCIENCE.

-YOU SEE IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THE ADDITIVE'S LONG VANISHED.

THE WATER REMEMBERS IT.

NOW, WHEN I MAKE UP MEDICINE FOR THE CHILDREN, I JUST TAKE

THAT ONE STAGE FURTHER.

I SIMPLY SHOW THE ADDITIVE TO THE WATER.

AND THE WATER IMAGINES IT.

-YOU DON'T BELIEVE ANY OF THIS, DO YOU?

-I DO BELIEVE IN THE PLACEBO EFFECT.

THE POWER OF SUGGESTION.

AND I DON'T THINK PLAIN WATER EVER DID ANYONE MUCH HARM.

-UNLESS YOUR NAME IS JIM FRAZER.

COULD THE POWER OF SUGGESTION MAKE SOMEONE KILL HIMSELF?

-I DOUBT IT.

UNLESS THE PERSON'S WEAK AND VULNERABLE, AND DEEP IN HIS

HEART REALLY NEEDED TO DIE.

-CHRIS IS READY FOR YOU NOW.

-BYE, FERN.

DON'T FORGET YOUR COFFEE.

-OH, THANKS.

-OK, JUST WRAP IT AROUND YOURSELF.

FLING IT ACROSS.

LIKE THIS.

-OOH, VERY SCARLET PIMPERNEL.

WHAT'S THE BOOK CALLED?

-"THE KING'S

LAST MISTRESS." -OH.

SOUNDS RACY.

HAVE YOU READ IT?

-MMM.

NOW, CAN YOU LOOK SURPRISED?

REALLY SURPRISED?

-WELL, I'M NOT USED TO THIS.

-YOU HERE TO WORK, OR JUST WASTE MY TIME?

-I BEG YOUR PARDON.

-GOOD.

EXCELLENT.

MORE OF THAT.

COME ON, YOU TROLLUP.

LET'S WORK.

GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

MORE LIKE THAT, OR I'LL THROW YOU OUT OF HERE.

[OUTRAGED GASP]

-SHOCK!

HORROR!

SHOCK!

HORROR!

-MR.TEED!

MR. TEED.

-I LOVE IT WHEN WOMEN CHASE AFTER ME.

TELL ME WHAT I CAN DO FOR YOU.

-I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WERE RUNNING A PICTURE OF JIM

FRAZER ALONGSIDE THE INQUEST REPORT.

-OF COURSE.

-AW.

HE'S BARELY 10 YEARS OLD IN THIS.

IS THERE NOTHING A BIT MORE RECENT?

-ALAS, THAT'S ALL MARTIN COULD GIVE ME.

-IS THERE NOTHING ON FILE?

-MISS BOXER.

THIS NEWSPAPER STAYS AFLOAT ON ONE SIMPLE PRINCIPLE.

WHENEVER THERE'S AN EVENT IN ONE OF THE VILLAGES, I TURN UP

AND PHOTOGRAPH THE CROWD.

IF THOSE PEOPLE BUY THE NEWSPAPER, I BREAK EVEN.

IF SOME OF THEM BUY A COPY OF THE PICTURE, I'M IN PROFIT.

JAMES FRAZER, I'M SORRY TO SAY, WAS NEVER A WELCOME FACE

IN ANY CROWD.

-HE SENT YOU A LOT OF LETTERS, THOUGH.

-BIG PART OF HIS PROBLEM.

-DID YOU PRINT ANY OF THEM?

-I LIKE MY HOUSE TOO MUCH.

-THEY DIDN'T LOOK PRETTY CONTENTIOUS.

-WELL, YOU COULDN'T SAY.

I GOT TO THE POINT I DROPPED THEM IN THE SHREDDER WITHOUT

READING THEM.

-SO YOU WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW IF ANY OF THE GOSSIP CONCERNED

HIS COUSIN, MARTIN?

-HA HA HA.

WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU'VE GOT TO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING ABOUT THE

SETUP IN LYVEDON.

EVERYBODY IN THIS ENTIRE VALLEY DEPENDS ON MARTIN

FRAZER AND HIS FAMILY'S ESTATE IN SOME WAY OR ANOTHER.

THEY RENT FROM HIM, SELL TO HIM.

THEY WORK IN TRADES WOULD HAVE VANISHED WITHOUT HIM.

HE KEEPS THE SCHOOL OPEN, THE--

THE DEVELOPERS OUT.

-SO WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME IS EVEN IF THERE WAS ANY SCANDAL,

YOU'D ONLY LOSE READERS IF YOU PRINTED IT.

-WHAT I'M TELLING YOU IS YOU'D GO A LONG WAY TO

FIND A BETTER MAN.

I DON'T SUPPOSE I COULD, UM, PUT YOU DOWN TO, UH, BUY A

PICTURE, HMM?

THIS WEEK'S PAGE THREE.

-YOU'RE REALLY GOOD.

-WELL, SAY IT A BIT LOUDER SO THE MRS. CAN HEAR.

-I MEAN IT.

YOU COULD BE IN GALLERIES.

YOU COULD BE STINKING RICH.

-I AM STINKING RICH.

HAVE THE OVERDRAFT TO PROVE IT.

-I'VE READ SOME OF THESE.

-WELL DONE.

-DO YOU OFTEN USE PEOPLE FROM THE VILLAGE?

-ALWAYS.

I LIKE TO USE REAL FACES.

I'VE HAD JUST ABOUT EVERYONE THROUGH HERE.

-INCLUDING JIM FRAZER.

-THERE IS A LIMIT.

-WHAT YOU MEAN?

-WELL, ALL DUE DEFERENCE TO MARTIN, BUT I WOULDN'T HAVE

THAT COUSIN OF HIS ANYWHERE NEAR MY HOUSE.

-WHY NOT?

-HE TRIED TO MAKE TROUBLE FOR ME AND MINE.

GOD REST HIS SOUL.

I SHALL SAY NO MORE.

-UM, WHO WAS THE MODEL FOR THAT ONE?

-I CAN'T RECALL.

-OH.

THANK YOU.

-YES, MARTIN.

YES, SHE JUST LEFT WITHIN THE LAST MINUTE.

NOW, THE THING IS, I TOLD HER THE

LETTERS HAD BEEN DESTROYED.

SO WHAT SHOULD I DO?

DO YOU KNOW IF JIM KEPT COPIES OF WHAT HE WROTE?

THIS SOUNDS TO ME LIKE--

LIKE SHE'S HAD HER HANDS ON THEM.

OK.

NO PROBLEM.

I'M DOING IT NOW.

[WHIR OF SHREDDER]