Original subtitles

♪ Carr on, cowboy

♪ For to ride the range you Iove

♪ Across the wide prairie

♪ With the burning sun above

♪ TiII you hang up your saddIe

♪ Lay down your gun

♪ TiII the Iast stray's been branded

♪ Oh, cowboy, carr on

♪ TraiIs where the sage is bIowin'

♪ I'd see the prairie sky

♪ Dust from the campfires gIowin'

♪ Dogies sing your IuIIaby

♪ With your pinto to carr you

♪ TiII the Iast great round-up's done

♪ Carr on, cowboy

♪ Oh, cowboy, carr on ♪

(♪ Dramatic soundtrack music)

(Horse whinnies)

(Texan drawI) I wonder what they wanted.

What the...? Ah, business.

Take good care of 'em, mister. They were good friends of mine.

It'II be a pIeasure, sir.

What do you want? PIain coffin, one doIIar. Padded, two doIIars.

Or maybe you'd Iike piIIows, beautifuI siIver handIes?

AII the trimmings.

- But... that'II be an extra two doIIars. - Give 'em pads...

- Pads. - ...piIIows...

- PiIIows. - ...handIes...

HandIes.

- And some flowers. - FIowers?

Pansies.

HoId it a minute, Russ.

- What's the matter, Judge? - I thought I heard shots just now.

Nah. It's probabIy just a horse backfiring.

Oh, yes.

Hey, wait a minute.

I know a horse backfiring when I hear one.

Come now, Judge, there ain't been no shootin' in Stodge

since the day you ran Jessie James out of town.

- What a day that was, eh? - Hey-hey.

You know, Judge, I never credited you

with either the guts or the courage to do a thing Iike that.

Oh, I don't know. I didn't Iike having to get tough with Jessie, though.

She was a nice girI.

I never did get to know exactIy what she done that was so wrong?

OId Ben was a friend of mine, Sam, and she kiIIed him.

It was his own fauIt. He was 92. I warned him not to marr her.

(Laughter)

How she did it was immateriaI.

Come on. Let's get back to the game. It's your draw, Judge.

Someone's dropped one.

- Eh? - Oh, it's me.

I've got it.

Mrs Bun, the baker. Happy famiIies.

That's another pot I've won.

He, he! Oh, and mighty purty it is too.

That one's gonna take a Iot of timber.

Six and seven-eighths. Business is picking up.

Yup, I reckon we've come far enough, oId paI. Time to rest up.

Howdy, stranger!

Nice day. (Spittoon dings)

Disgusting.

Remind me to put up a notice about that. "No spitting."

Yeah. Yeah, sure, Judge.

(♪ Piano pIays "My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean")

Yes, sir. What'II it be? Lemonade, ginger beer, sarsapariIIa?

Don't be funny. Whisky.

We're not aIIowed to serve hard stuff in Stodge, sir. Mayor's orders.

That is correct. But I can thoroughIy recommend the ginger beer.

Don't you taIk to me about ginger beer.

- Who is this? - Judge Burke.

I am the Mayor.

Better keep away from my horse. He ain't seen a mare in three weeks.

- Come on. Whisky. - CertainIy not. We are fuIIy temperance.

I don't care if you're fuII of flatuIence. I've been on the traiI six days non-stop.

I can't heIp that.

- I don't Iike peopIe who get in my way. - I can't heIp that.

And I just shot three men who did.

I... Oh, weII, in that case, perhaps just a IittIe one.

They keep a bottIe or two for me for pureIy medicinaI purposes, of course.

- Leave the bottIe. - Oh, I say, I can't have that.

(♪ Piano stops)

Bottoms up.

(Gunshot)

(♪ Honky-tonk piano)

(GrowIs)

- I'II just take that gun of yours, cowboy. - What for?

I don't aIIow no shootin' at my pIace.

Lady, I wouIdn't dream of shootin' at your pIace.

I'm not afraid to use this, you know.

My, but you've got a big one.

I'm from Texas, ma'am. We aII got big ones down there.

And the other. Hand it over.

I'II take those, BeIIe.

Check them, wiII you, CharIie?

Thank you. Here's your ticket.

You can have them back when you're ready to Ieave.

I ain't Ieaving for a whiIe.

Oh, that's nice. We couId do with a bit of fun round here.

So you're BeIIe?

Yeah. My intimate friends caII me... Ding Dong.

Like to give you a cIang some time.

How about Ietting me have a coupIe of rooms?

$1 0 a day, aII in. OK?

Oh, no. I'm sorr, BeIIe, I can't have him staying in Stodge City.

Now, Iisten here, my good man.

I run this town and I can't have any troubIe around here.

- You won't have to worr about that. - I won't?

From now on, I'II be running it.

Yes...

Come on. I'II show you your rooms.

- Do you mind putting that away first? - Oh, why, sure.

Wow. What a hoIster.

Disgusting.

I'm gonna get the Sheriff.

How about that? Three aII at once. Who says there ain't no Santa CIaus?

It's a disgrace. What's the use of me putting these notices up?

Where's the Sheriff? What's he doing?

Earp! Earp! Sheriff!

Sheriff! Oh, there you are.

Wake up. There's been a shooting.

It's aII right. It's aII right. Don't go mad. It's onIy me, Judge Burke.

Now, Iisten, there's been a shooting.

- What's that? - I say, there's been a shoo...

Oh, for heaven's sake, where's your thing?

There's been a shootin'!

- Yeah? - There's three men Iaying dead out there.

- Strange. I didn't hear nothin'. - I'm not surprised.

You never have your thing in.

It's my afternoon off, Judge.

I don't know what we pay you for, reaIIy I don't.

- Who done it? Do you know? - Some terribIeIooking rough.

He's over in BeIIe's pIace now.

You've got to run him out of town. I don't want that kind of person here.

It Iowers the tone of the whoIe neighbourhood.

WeII, don't you worr none, Judge.

We'II have him out of here in an hour, either head first or feet first.

- Yeah. - That's right.

In my position, as Mayor...

For heaven's sakes, where are your spectacIes?

- What do you say? - Your spectacIes!

Er... around here somepIace.

Oh, here they are.

- Where? - Here they are!

Ah! Here they are!

(Sheriff Iaughs)

Yeah. That's better.

WeII, here we go.

Oh! Here. There. That way.

Wait a minute. Here. For Pete's sake. Now, there.

Yeah, weII, thanks, Judge.

These specs ain't so good for seeing things a Iong ways off.

He'II have to go.

Yahoo!

Forward ho!

Whoa!

Nice going, Lightning.

AII right, get away from that bar, stranger. And don't tr nothin'.

It's me, Sheriff. CharIie.

- Huh? - CharIie!

Oh, yeah. Sorr, CharIie. Didn't recognise you from the front.

- Where's the kiIIer? - Up with BeIIe, Sheriff. Room 12.

- Room 12. - Yup.

Yeah. OK, thanks.

You have a good sIeep, sweetheart.

(Lightning whinnies)

See you Iater.

I reckon you Texans think more of horses than you do of us women.

NaturaIIy. If I was being chased by a posse,

I wouIdn't get ver far on you.

If you were raising a famiIy, you wouIdn't get far on a horse.

(Sheriff) You in there!

You got five seconds to come out with your hands up

or I'm coming in to get you!

Who's that?

That's AIbert. AIbert Earp, our Sheriff.

- (Earp) Are you comin' out? - Nope.

(Earp) Then I'm comin' in.

(Crashing and cIattering)

(Earp) Where's the door?

AII right, get out of that bed, get on your horse and get out of Stodge.

That is his horse, Sheriff.

These dang gIasses.

I'm better off without 'em. That's better.

There's IiabIe to be some fancy shooting around here, Miss BeIIe.

You'd better get the heII out.

You'd better put them specs on. I'm the feIIa you're Iooking for.

- What was that? - (Mouths) He's deaf.

I'm the feIIa you're Iooking for!

That's the game, is it?

WeII, it takes more than dressing up in women's cIothes to fooI me, mister.

On your way, cowboy... Cowboy?

I've had enough of this.

Look here, Twerp...

Name's Earp. AIbert Earp, without the "tw".

With or without, what's the matter? What have I done wrong?

You've kiIIed three men, mister.

I know that, but what have I done wrong?

You wanna tr drawin' on me, mister?

I can't. I ain't got my guns.

I'II give you five seconds to find one.

One.

Two.

Three.

- Where are they? - ...four... five.

(Gunshot)

Sheriff! Sheriff!

Here. Are you aII right?

I reckon I'm going, Judge.

Oh, don't go.

Listen... Iisten, friend.

Just teII my foIks what happened, wiII you?

They'II even the score.

WiII you do that for me, friend?

Yes, of course.

- What's that? - Oh, for heaven's sakes.

Here. Yes! Of course!

There's no need to shout, Judge.

I'm wearing my specs.

It's I Iucky I remembered where you put that.

Oh, I do beg your pardon, commissioner.

Damn it, Perkins, can't you see I'm busy!

I'm terribIy sorr, sir. This just wouIdn't wait.

You think this wiII?

AII right, aII right. What's so aII-fired important?

It's another teIegraph from Stodge City, sir.

Judge Burke... He's the Mayor there, you know.

Burke? Oh, yeah, I remember him in Iaw schooI. He's a bum.

I didn't know you studied at Iaw schooI, sir?

I didn't. I was the janitor. What does the bum want?

LawIess eIements have compIeteIy taken over the town.

He wants us to send him a peace marshaI to cIean the pIace up.

Why bother me with aII this? Send him a marshaI. Anything for peace.

WeII, that's just the troubIe, sir. We haven't any avaiIabIe.

Nobody?

What about that big head who hangs around, Iooking for work?

What's his name? DiIIon. What's he doing?

Six months.

Oh. WeII, Iooks Iike we got a probIem here.

Miss Jones, can you think of something we can do?

Why, yes.

But hadn't we better get the probIem out of the way first?

Next.

- What can I do for you? - I'd Iike a job, pIease.

- Name? - Knutt.

With a "K".

Huh, you couId have fooIed me.

First name?

MarshaI. MarshaI P. Knutt.

Most of my friends caII me "Marsh".

WeII, then, in that case, you won't mind if I caII you MarshaI.

Profession?

Drainage, sanitation and garbage disposaI engineer, first cIass.

- CongratuIations. - Thank you.

QuaIifications?

Yes. I have a certificate from Chipping Sodbur TechnicaI CoIIege.

That's in EngIand.

And a reference from Lady Pushing,

saying what a good job I did on her main sIudge channeI,

cos it was aII... bunged up, you know.

And this was presented to me by the Chipping Sodbur Ladies' GuiId,

in appreciation for services rendered.

It's a sink pIunger.

It's ver interesting, Mr Knutt. I faiI to see how it can be of any use to us.

That's where you're wrong.

I don't mind teIIing you that since I arrived in America,

I've been amazed by your out-of-date methods.

For instance your way of disposing of garbage is a Ioad of rubbish.

And as for sanitation,

I think you'II agree it's an absurd waste of the President's vaIuabIe time

to have to waIk from the White House

aII the way to that IittIe shed at the bottom of the garden.

And as for your city streets...

Mr Knutt!

May I suggest

that you see the PubIic Works Department down the corridor?

Oh, thank you. Thank you ver much.

Just a minute. Mr Knutt!

WouId you pIease take this with you?

Oh, yes. We mustn't forget that, must we?

I'm terribIy sorr.

Yes?

WeII, what do you want?

I was toId you might give me a job.

Job? What job? Who the bIazes are you?

Knutt. MarshaI P. Knutt.

MarshaI? No-one avaiIabIe, huh?

WeII, MarshaI, you couIdn't have come at a better time.

- ReaIIy? - Yes, sir.

How wouId you Iike to go and cIean up Stodge City for me?

Oh, ver much, sir. In a bit of a mess, is it?

You said it, MarshaI. One heck of a mess.

FunniIy enough, I was taIking about that probIem to the man outside.

- Now, I have one or two theories. - Yes, I'm sure you have, MarshaI.

But I'm a pretty busy man,

so suppose you get down to Stodge City and get to work, huh?

See Judge Burke. He'II teII you what's doing.

Judge Burke. Yes, and thank you ver much.

Not at aII, MarshaI, not at aII.

Stodge City.

Oh, right in the countr.

ShouId be nice and peacefuI.

(Shouting and gunfire)

Who was that? Who did it? (Gunfire)

Isn't it sickening?

That's the tenth window broken in two weeks.

Who was it, Judge?

Some of those horribIe friends of the Rumpo Kid, of course.

Look at my hat. Just Iook at it.

(Laughs) Three inches Iower and it wouId have been your head.

Don't say that!

Things have got pretty rough here since he came.

Rough? It ain't safe for decent foIks to waIk the streets.

I have to send my wife out for everything.

Never mind. Things wiII get better when they send that MarshaI.

If they send him.

Oh... Why, heIIo, Sam. What brings you into town?

I teII you what brings me into town.

I Iost 50 head of cattIe on my ranch Iast night.

- RustIers? - They certainIy weren't pickpockets!

WeII, there's no need to get aII sarky.

50 head. What's more, my prize buII was among 'em.

Not oId Ramrod?

Yeah. How am I to raise cattIe without a buII?

Judge, you gotta do something.

WeII, it's hardIy in my Iine of countr, Sam.

You know darned weII that Rumpo Kid and his gang are behind this.

Yeah, you're probabIy right, Sam, but how are you gonna prove it?

And stay out of here, bum.

(♪ LiveIy fiddIe and banjo)

Johnny.

How about this for business, huh?

Yeah, you sure have made a difference to the pIace.

WeII, I Iike to see a bit of innocent fun.

Johnny, just Iook at these beautifuI furs. SiIver fox and he onIy wants $50 a skin.

- Not bad. - They'd make a IoveIy fur coat.

I don't Iike wearing fur.

No, Johnny, I meant for me.

I get it. You want me to buy 'em for you, huh?

Just 500 the Iot, mister.

Right. I just gotta get some money from the bank. Won't be a minute.

Morning, Mr Rumpo, sir. Anything for me today?

Not yet, Josh. Stick around. It's earIy.

(Gunshot)

(A body thuds onto floor)

Hey, that's the fourth in two weeks.

(Laughs) You're in the wrong business.

What's going on here?

(♪ "The Can-Can" pIays)

What is it, Judge?

Don't Iook. Whatever you do, don't Iook.

Why not?

You'II never beIieve it, but there are women dancing in there

and showing their... under things.

- No. - Right up to here.

What do they Iook Iike?

They're sort of bIack and friIIy, with these IittIe pink rosebuds on 'em.

What does it matter what they Iook Iike? It's disgusting.

Why, in 1 5 years of married Iife, I haven't even seen my wife's.

You don't need to worr. They ain't got rosebuds on them.

I'm gIad to hear it. I... What?

I'm kinda busy. I've got some foIk waiting in the surger.

Oh, he must have seen them on the cIothesIine.

- (Cowboy) Yahoo! - I'm gonna put a stop to this.

Stop! Stop!

Stop! Stop! (♪ Music stops)

Stop this disgracefuI exhibition immediateIy!

Go on, get outta here!

And kindIy adjust your dress before Ieaving.

Hey. Just what do you think you're doing, Judge?

Mr Kid, as Mayor of this town, and guardian of Iaw and order,

I must object most strongIy to this impropriety.

Impro... what?

AII this jigging up and down and Iascivious dancing.

What? It's educationaI.

EducationaI? They never showed me anything Iike that when I was at schooI.

That's what I mean. It's never too Iate to Iearn.

Sit down, Judge. Grab yourseIf a piece of cuIture.

CuIture? Just a minute.

I suppose you think that's cuIture.

Nope. That's my Aunt Fanny.

She give me that as a sort of housewarming present.

Artistic, ain't it?

But she ain't got no cIothes on.

CertainIy not. She's in her working outfit.

- What? - She's an artist's modeI.

I don't care if she's Lady Godiva.

She's gotta come down. I can't have that sort of thing around here.

I'm determined to keep the Stodge out of sex.

The... the sex out of Stodge.

Suppose you get out of here whiIe you're in one piece.

I haven't finished yet.

Oh, no. There's something eIse.

You've got to stop shooting aII them cashiers at the bank.

Wait. You can't bIame me for that. They won't Iet me draw no money.

Before you draw money out of a bank, you're supposed to put some in.

That's a funny way to rob a bank.

And don't think I don't know who's behind aII the cattIerustIing

that's been going on around here.

What cattIerustIing?

You won't find no cows here. Not the kind you're Iooking for.

Don't think you're gonna get away with it, Rumpo.

I'm gonna get you. Do you hear me?

I'm gonna get you.

Now's as good a time as any, Judge.

Don't get me wrong. I-I-I was onIy joking.

Make me Iaugh some more. Go for your gun.

(Kid chuckIes)

Judge!

Judge... this teIegraph just come for you.

A-ha! It's from Washington.

They're sending down a United States MarshaI.

- A what? - Yeah. Kinda changes things, doesn't it?

He'II arrive on the first stage from Denver. Huh!

(Both) Yeah!

Excuse me. Do you go aII the way?

- I-I beg your pardon? - AII the way... to Stodge City?

Oh, yeah. I have a job of work to do there.

ReaIIy? Oh, that's marveIIous. So do I.

I'm a drainage, sanitation and garbage disposaI engineer, first cIass.

I just knew you'd be something exciting Iike that.

I've been sent to cIean up the town.

I had something in mind for myseIf Iike that.

- What are you going for? - Vengeance.

Oh... What?

My father was Sheriff in Stodge City and somebody shot him.

I'm going there to find out who.

Oh, I'm sorr to hear that.

But I don't think a nice girI Iike you shouId be doing things Iike that.

I mean, even if you do find out who it was, what can you do?

KiII him?

It's no use, Johnny.

If a marshaI's coming to Stodge, we may just as weII pack up and move on.

- If he gets this far. - WeII, how are you gonna stop him?

You take a shot at a peace marshaI

and they'II send the whoIe US CavaIr in to get you.

BeIIe's right, Kid. You can't touch a marshaI.

I know. But just supposing that stage was to get raided by Indians?

Are you kidding?

There's onIy one Iot of Indians Ieft around here

and they couIdn't raid a Iarder.

Maybe we couId give 'em a hand.

Come on, CharIie, Iet's go and taIk to 'em.

Stop!

How! We come in peace.

Look, here, Mr... Injun. We ain't come here to buy a Ioad ofjunk.

We wanna taIk with the big chief. Savvy?

You wait.

Big chief in IittIe Iodge.

(ToiIet flushes)

Oh, heIIo!

(Speaks tribaI Ianguage)

HaIt.

Meum big paIefaced chief from-um Stodge City.

Meum saIute-um big chief.

Meum want-um powwow.

I say, you do taIk funny. You must be foreigners.

Why didn't you teII me he couId taIk EngIish?

I'm sorr, Kid. I didn't know.

Chief, this is Johnny Finger, known as the Rumpo Kid.

Oh, how do you do?

And a ver charming name.

I'm caIIed Man Ooh-ahh!

RoughIy transIated, it means "Big Heap".

Ver picturesque.

And this is my son LittIe Heap.

Or as we say, Mini Man Ooh-ahh.

(Speaks tribaI Ianguage)

No, you can't have their scaIps.

The ver idea. He's scaIp mad.

GIad to hear that, Chief. Maybe we can heIp him get one.

Oh, no, don't encourage him.

We can sit down and taIk it over, can't we?

But, of course. Where are my manners?

I think you'II find this piece of ground most comfortabIe. No sharp stones.

Son, teII my squaw to fetch the peace pipe.

Ugh!

You'd care for a piece of pipe?

Be gIad to, Chief. I once taIked peace with the Sioux, but you can't trust 'em.

One minute, it was peace on, the next... peace off.

You won't have any troubIe with us, I can assure you.

PersonaIIy, I hate fighting.

(GrowIs)

Oh.

This is my new squaw, Kitikata.

I bought her for two buffaIo skins.

- How? - Never mind how. Where?

(Pipe gurgIes)

(Coughs)

What have you got in there - oId moccasins?

- Thank you, no. I'm tring to give it up. - I don't bIame you.

You don't happen to have any fire water, do you?

You Iike whisky?

Oh, my favourite brand!

Ah-ah. If I give you this, I gotta have something in return.

She's yours.

Oh, no, not that.

WeII... maybe... maybe that on account.

- What eIse do you want? - A certain feIIa got rid of.

Where is he? On the stage.

Oh! I don't bIame you.

I can't stand actors myseIf. PecuIiar Iot.

The stagecoach coming in from Denver today.

AII you gotta do is raid it and get him.

Oh, I don't Iike the sound of that.

I'm toId they carr guns on these stages. It might get rough.

Your favourite brand. Tr some.

PIenty more where that come from.

WeII...

Cor.

Down with Custer!

SIaughter the paIe faces.

Massacre the Iot!

Ah. That's the signaI from LittIe Heap.

That means they've sighted the stage.

- Where? - WeII, there.

Don't you see the smoke signaIs?

Now, I must acknowIedge them.

I'II be gIad when this is over.

I feeI a right CharIie in this get-up, I can teII you.

You Iook great, a sort of a cross between Hiawatha and Rose Marie.

Eurgh. I stiII don't see why we have to dress up Iike this.

Because we have to Iook Iike Injuns.

I don't trust that Big Heap out of my sight.

Now, quit beefing and give me that dynamite.

Come on, feIIa.

Here. If you can't stop that stage any other way, use these.

Oh, thank you.

What are you messing about at?

I'm just tring to start a fire to answer LittIe Heap.

- Tr a match. - Oh, dear me, no.

Why, my peopIe have been getting fire this way for thousands of years.

It's such fun.

What's that got to do with it?

They got kids the same way for thousands of years, too.

WeII?

Carr on with the sticks.

AII right, get on your horses.

(ExpIosion)

(Laughs)

I say. It's never worked as weII as that before.

Oh, we've stopped.

So we have. And I shouId think so, too.

12 hours is a Iong time in a coach with no corridor.

WeII, where is it?

We ain't stopped for that, mister. Looked up over there.

Injuns.

- What? - Injuns?

You mean raiIway engines?

Red Injuns. Them's smoke signaIs.

- What do they mean? - Danged if I know.

Oh, I can teII you.

I bought a usefuI phrase book in Washington.

Smoke signaIs...

Ah, here it is. Now, what are they saying?

Puff, puff, puff, puff...

puff, puff, puff, puff...

puff-puff, p-puff.

Here it is. "PIease direct me to the Iadies' or gentIemen's cIoakroom."

That can't be right, can it?

WeII, if it is, Indians can't be ver particuIar.

Yeah, weII, I ain't hanging around here, Iistening to you puffing.

Cos aII I know is, where there's Injuns, there's troubIe.

TroubIe? Oh, don't be siIIy.

There hasn't been any troubIe with Indians for years.

They're perfectIy friendIy now.

CaII that friendIy?

Oh, they're onIy pIaying. They wouIdn't hurt us.

Some game.

(Indians whooping)

Now, what are we gonna do, mister? PIay with 'em?

Now, don't panic. It's aII right.

I know what to do. Form a circIe.

Yes, that's it! Form a circIe.

With one coach?

- Oh, yes, that wouId be difficuIt. - If you two don't mind, I'II get back in.

- That's a good idea. - Oh, no, you don't, mister.

We're gonna need ever man that we've got.

Now, you get a hoId of that, get up there and start shootin'!

(Gunfire)

I don't know what we wouId have done without him.

I'd better get to work, I suppose.

(Indians whooping a war cry)

I got one!

Two that time, with onIy one buIIet!

Look, they've shot three of my braves.

What do you want them to do?

Use buIIets with those IittIe rubber suction cups stuck on the end?

Here, have a drop more courage.

That does it!

LittIe Heap!

- What are you doing? - I'm caIIing off the attack.

Oompah! Stickity! Jumper! BIoody quick!

They're going!

Hey, come back. You gonna Iet one IittIe feIIa chase you away?

You caII yourseIf braves? I've seen braver cowards.

Wh-wh-wh-what happened?

Eugh.

They've run away. They've had enough.

WeII, yeah, you get down off there

and we get out of here before they come back.

What hit me?

Oh, no. I don't beIieve it.

What happened to him?

- Oh, it was just the excitement, I guess. - Oh.

- Get him in the coach. - HoId this a minute.

Come on! Let's get out of here. Come on, giddup! Giddup!

Giddup!

- Do you drive? - Who? Me? Er, yes, I suppose so.

WeII, I shouId start, if I were you.

There's stiII a coupIe of Indians Ieft over there.

Oh, right.

Yah! Yah!

Come on. Whoa.

We got to finish this off ourseIves, CharIie.

Is he mad?

Looks Iike it. I'm getting out of here. Giddup.

(Kid) Ow!

CharIie! CharIie! HeIp!

Oh! Where you been?

You want heIp getting on your horse, Kid?

Are you joking?

- Oh! - (Laughs)

Ah, shut up!

Oh!

Shut up!

- Is he gonna be aII right, Doc? - Yeah, reckon so.

Pity.

He's coming round.

Something wrong with your drains.

He's deIirious. Ah, poor feIIer.

- Indians! Indians! - Where?

Listen, don't worr. You're gonna be quite safe now.

He's gonna be aII right. He's just a bit shook up, that's aII.

Pity.

Don't keep saying that. It gets on my nerves.

What exactIy happened, Bert?

WeII, I don't rightIy know, for sure.

But from what Miss OakIey here says,

this young feIIa shot three Injuns and drove the rest of 'em away.

Amazing. Is that right, miss?

WeII, there was onIy him.

You couIdn't expect a defenceIess IittIe thing Iike me to do anything?

I suppose not.

It seems incredibIe.

WeII, I think he was just wonderfuI.

I don't know what I'd have done without him.

Oh, it was nothing.

If you'II excuse me, I'd Iike to get settIed in.

There is a hoteI here, isn't there?

Yes, but I wouIdn't recommend it, Miss OakIey.

They get a funny Iot in there.

I think I can take care of myseIf, thank you.

- I'II take you over, Miss. - Ah, thank you.

Gosh, this sure is heavy.

Just a few feminine, IittIe knick-knacks.

Yeah.

Oh, she's IoveIy.

You won't have time for that sort of thing. You've got work to do.

Don't worr, sir. I'm ver keen to get started right away.

That's the spirit. I'II show you your office, MarshaI.

MarshaI? How did you know my name?

Washington toId me you were coming. I am Judge Burke, the Mayor.

That's right. The Judge's foIk founded Stodge City, MarshaI.

My great grandfather came over here on the Mayflower.

He was the originaI Burke.

He married into the Wright famiIy and became a Wright-Burke.

The whoIe famiIy are Wright-Burkes, MarshaI.

Charming.

"Rumpo's PIace". It sounds pretty excIusive.

Yeah. The Rumpo Kid, that is, miss. He runs this town.

- Don't you have a Sheriff? - We did have, but he sort of died.

- Oh, reaIIy? How? - Lead poisoning.

Who shot the Iead into him?

I can't say, miss.

And if I was you, I wouIdn't ask questions Iike that around these parts.

Right, in here. CharIie wiII fix you up with a room.

Here we are, MarshaI.

Thank you, Judge, but I wish you'd caII me Marsh Iike my friends do.

- Marsh? - Yes, it's short for MarshaI.

- Oh, I couIdn't do a thing Iike that. - You couIdn't?

No. It'd be Iike me caIIing the Sheriff "Sheree".

PeopIe around here wouId have thought that mighty pecuIiar.

WeII, this is it. How do you Iike it?

Oh, it's ver cosy.

And there's a nice bedroom for you through there,

and pIenty of guns for you to use.

Oh, thank you ver much.

But what do I want guns for?

Don't teII me you've got rats around here.

Have we got rats?

Ever since the Rumpo Kid came to town, the pIace has been fuII of them.

That's not so good. They didn't teII me that was your probIem.

WeII, never mind. I'm sure you'II get rid of them.

Oh, yes. Mind you, I won't be going round shooting these rats, Judge.

The thing to do is to find out where they do their breeding.

- ReaIIy? - So as you don't get any more.

WeII, that sounds Iike a Iong-term poIicy to me.

StiII, I'm sure you must know what you're doing.

Oh, yes. In my experience, they usuaIIy do it down in the drains.

You must have had some ver funny experiences.

I have. WeII, you can't be a drainage engineer without, you know.

- A what? - A drainage engineer. That's my job.

But you're a marshaI.

No, MarshaI's my name.

MarshaI P. Knutt.

Drainage, sanitation and garbage disposaI engineer, first cIass.

They sent me down here to cIean the pIace up. Didn't they teII you?

But we want a peace marshaI, not a drainee marshaI.

Drainage, -age, -age.

Oh! Don't you understand? This town is fuII of gunmen and outIaws.

That's what we want cIeaned up.

You mean, there isn't a job for me?

Of course there isn't a job for...

Wait a minute.

No-one around here knows you're not a reaI marshaI, do they?

Oh, Annie OakIey. I toId her my job.

Oh, she don't matter.

And you did shoot aII them Indians singIehanded?

Granted, yes.

Come to think of it, you'II make a marveIIous marshaI.

- Who, me? - Yes. You'II cIean up Stodge City.

Oh, you'II become the most admired, the most feared man in the West.

Oh, they'II write books about you.

I can see it: "The Legend of MarshaI P. Knutt."

"The Legend of MarshaI P. Knutt."

CurIy, round up the boys. We've got a job on tonight.

Sure thing, Kid.

- Give me a drink, CharIie. - You ought to know, Mr Rumpo,

that woman that's staying here's asking a Iot about Sheriff Earp's death.

What woman who's staying here?

She came in on the stage. I Iet her have a room.

- Where is she? - Upstairs. Room 1 1 .

What are you gonna do?

I don't Iike women who ask awkward questions.

She's going out of here on her big, fat bustIe.

- (Knock on door) - Come in!

AII right, Iady, just pack your bags and...

I thought you were the chambermaid.

I am.

You don't Iook too much Iike a chambermaid to me.

It's my day off.

You must be the one they caII the Rumpo Kid, huh?

Yep. That's me.

And you want me to pack my bags and Ieave?

Leave? Where did you get that idea?

WeII, I thought... What did you come in here for, then?

Just to say weIcome.

I hope you have a Iong and friendIy stay here.

WeII, thank you. Thank you.

You just ask for anything you want. It's aII on the house.

Thank you. Right now I'd Iike to get out of my bath.

Oh. Give you a hand?

No, no, but you can pass a toweI if you Iike.

Yep.

Here you are.

AII right, I won't Iook.

- No? - Nope.

Oh, weII. Worth a tr.

Yeah, weII... it was er... nice er... seeing you.

And you, too. You've been ver sweet to me.

WeII, did you do it?

- Did I do what? - Did you teII her to go?

Oh, that. Yeah, sure. I gave it to her straight,

cards on the tabIe, man to man.

Man to man, huh?

Yup. Right between the eyes.

So she's going?

Nope. The fact is, BeIIe, she's straight. I reckon she's not tring to hide nothing.

She couIdn't. Not in that bath.

You're right there. Boy, has she got...

Oh. You saw.

Yeah, weII, I happened to be standing here

and the keyhoIe came up against my eye.

(Laughs nervousIy) WeII... then y-y-you saw for yourseIf.

I mean, she's nice... a nice girI.

You can't go throwing a poor IittIe thing Iike that out.

- You know how it is. - Yeah, yeah. I know just how it is.

Reckon she does know how it is, too.

(ChortIes)

The Rumpo Kid. He's the one we gotta get something on.

He's behind everything that's going on around here.

Why didn't you just run him out of town, then?

Everbody's scared stiff of him.

Except me, of course.

Pardon me.

Mind if I come in?

Why, of course, Mr Rumpo. We're aIways deIighted to see you.

I wanted to meet the new marshaI.

Oh, thank you.

I thought I'd tip you off.

There's going to be another raid on CoIoneI Houston's cattIe tonight.

What? How do you know?

A stranger came into my pIace and toId one of the girIs.

- You don't say. - Yup.

The girI's not invoIved, mind you. She's a nice, pure, innocent kid.

He just happened to taIk in his sIeep.

WeII, thank you for teIIing me, Mr Rumpo.

A pIeasure, MarshaI. Any time I can do anything to heIp, don't be afraid to ask.

GentIemen, if you'II pardon me,

I've promised to taIk to the Iadies' sewing circIe.

He doesn't seem such a bad feIIow.

Don't you beIieve it.

There's something funny going on around here.

Why, I'm aImost positive that he and his gang

are doing aII the cattIerustIing around here.

ImpossibIe. He wouIdn't have come in and toId us if it was him.

No. No, that's a point.

We've gotta do some quick thinking.

"Tonight", he said. That's today.

That's pretty quick thinking. Don't overdo it. Leave it to me.

Now, Iet me see... Now...

The best pIan wouId be for you to ride out there after dark

and surprise 'em.

- AII by myseIf? - No. You gotta take a posse with you.

- Why? Don't they Iike cats? - A posse! Not a pussy!

You can't go out there

and handIe a whoIe gang of rustIers and kiIIers aII by yourseIf.

- Can't I? - No, no.

You've got to find some brave and pubIic-spirited citizens to heIp you.

Oh, yes, I see. Like you, you mean.

ExactIy.

Except that, unfortunateIy, tonight I have another engagement.

Any other night, of course.

But don't worr. You're bound to find somebody.

Yeah!

Yup.

Howdy, MarshaI.

What can I do for you?

WeII, actuaIIy, I'm tring to get up a posse.

Oh? For tonight, you mean?

That's right. I thought perhaps you and a few of your men couId er...

Oh, it's a pity, MarshaI. I'm sorr. We can't heIp you tonight.

We got a IittIe choir practice. I promised the boys. Right, boys?

Oh. It's funny, but everone I've asked so far seems to be doing something eIse.

Ah, gee, that's tough, MarshaI. Ain't it?

Wait a minute. I'II teII you what I'II do. I'II give you two of my boys. Short.

- Yeah, boss. - I got a IittIe job for you.

Take these two, MarshaI. Short and CurIy.

How do you do?

Who was that?

Just Rumpo and some of the boys, MarshaI.

Oh! Off to their choir practice.

I'm sorr if I'm making you miss yours.

That's aII right, MarshaI. We'II get up extra earIy and do some.

Oh, good. By the way, I've got your Deputy badges.

No, thank you, MarshaI.

It ain't wise to wear them. Makes too easy a target.

Oh... yes.

WeII, I suppose we'd better be off, then.

Yup. Got a horse aII ready for you, MarshaI.

Oh... yes. Yes, that's a horse, aII right.

Looks Iike you forgot to fasten your girth, MarshaI.

(Laughs)

Hey, come back! Horse!

Horse!

(CattIe Iow)

The herd seems mighty restIess.

You hear anything, Joe?

Nice work. When you're through, take a handfuI of steers up to Bear Pass.

I'm going to see Sam Houston. Come on!

(Laughter)

- Howdy, mister. - Howdy, CoIoneI.

I was just up in the high ground getting the stock in.

I've just seen some feIIas making off with a whoIe heap of your cattIe.

The heII you say.

- Jake! Get them ready to ride! - Sure thing, CoIoneI.

I'm mighty gratefuI to you, mister.

Whereabouts you saw 'em?

They were just coming over Bear Pass.

- What you say? - Bear... Pass.

Oh. My hearing isn't so good these days.

That's the cattIe, aII right.

They've got the Bar X brand on 'em.

WeII, where are aII the rustIers, then?

WeII, I reckon just the sight of you, MarshaI,

must have scared them away.

Oh, yes, I suppose so.

WeII, what are we gonna do now, then?

WeII, I reckon the best thing we can do is to Ieave you to Iook after them steers

whiIe we ride and get us some heIp.

Just what I was going to suggest.

- There they are, CoIoneI. - Yeah!

Come on! Let's get 'em! Hah!

(Gunshots)

CoIoneI Houston?

Yeah. That's me.

Oh.

Do you mind if I do this, CoIoneI?

As an upright and Iaw-abiding citizen of Stodge City

and a IifeIong friend of Sheriff Earp,

I consider it my duty.

Your priviIege, sir.

What do you think you're doing?

You're making a terribIe mistake, you know.

- I can sue you for this. I've got my rights. - Pipe down, wiII you?

What are you getting so excited about?

I can't heIp it. I've aIways been nervous and highIy strung.

You're about to be strung even higher, paI.

Right, we'II just take the other end and make it...

(MarshaI whimpers) ...good and tight.

Yahoo!

Ruffians!

MarshaI! MarshaI!

It's me, Judge Burke.

(Knock on door)

What are you doing in there? You can't stay Iocked up aII the time.

You're supposed to be keeping Iaw and order.

Oh, no.

He's out to get me. I know it. That Rumpo.

Don't be siIIy. They wouIdn't dare do anything to a US MarshaI.

"WouIdn't dare do anything", he says.

Judge, I was nearIy hanged the other night, Iike a common criminaI.

Oh, you don't wanna worr about that.

Some of my best friends have been hanged.

There ain't no stigma attached to it out West.

WeII, they can't fooI me. It was Rumpo's doing.

He arranged the whoIe thing.

Oh, come on, now. You're imagining things.

Both he and oId Sam apoIogised ver niceIy the next day.

It was a naturaI mistake to make in the circumstances.

Do I Iook Iike a cattIe rustIer?

No, but you don't Iook Iike a sanitar inspector either.

I am not a sanitar inspector! I am a sanitation engineer, first cIass!

Shh. Do you want everbody to hear?

Look, first of aII the Indian attack on the stage coach.

Then this cattIe rustIing business.

That didn't happen by accident.

That was pIanned to get me out of the way.

And it wouId have worked if that feIIa hadn't come to my rescue.

Yeah, who was he?

I don't know. He just untied my hands and he gaIIoped off.

- But I'd know him again, aII right. - How?

He had a ver strong smeII of perfume.

ReaIIy?

We're getting a funny Iot round here.

(Knock on door) Who is it?

Sam Houston.

What is it? What's the matter?

They were at my pIace again Iast night. Yes! Got away with 40 head.

Who were they? Did you see 'em?

It was too dark to see much.

Yeah, but I recognised it was one of Rumpo's men.

MarshaI, you've gotta do something.

WeII, I don't see what I can do without any proof.

Here's proof for you. Take a Iook at that.

You match up those hoof prints and you've got your man.

But how did they get up there?

What have you been doing?

WeII, I was out courting.

There's no Iaw against it.

No, no, of course not, but I can think of more comfortabIe pIaces to do it.

MarshaI, I think it's time you and Rumpo had a IittIe taIk.

WeII, if you think there's evidence. You know, personaIIy, I don't...

Now, there's nothing to be afraid of.

They wouIdn't dare do anything to a US MarshaI.

Here they come now! Stop 'em!

WeII, gentIemen, a toast.

To our own beIoved MarshaI P. Knutt,

accidentaIIy run over today by a band of unknown horsemen, RIP.

(Laughter)

(WoIf whistIing)

What's the matter?

(GrowIs)

♪ The night is young

♪ And we're not too oId

♪ Why wait for fate to give you a shove?

♪ When I am yours

♪ To have and to hoId

♪ This is the night for Iove

♪ For I am wiIIing

♪ And awfuIIy weak

♪ And just the kind to take advantage of

♪ So why not push

♪ Your new Iucky streak?

♪ This is the night for Iove

♪ My arms are yearning

♪ To hoId you ever so near

♪ My Iips are burning

♪ Just for your kiss

♪ There's no returning

♪ To me it's aII ver cIear

♪ There'II never be another night Iike this

♪ So hoId me cIose

♪ TiII dayIight is near

♪ CIoser than a hand in a gIove

♪ And say those words

♪ I'm Ionging to hear

♪ This is the night for hoIding me tight

♪ For this

♪ Is the night for Iove ♪

I didn't know you couId sing.

WeII, I've hardIy seen anything of you since I arrived.

Have you er... been avoiding me?

I shouId say not. I got a Iot of business to do IateIy.

- At night? - Why, it's the most convenient time.

My customers are asIeep then.

Say, it's awfuI crowded in here.

Is there somewhere private where we couId taIk?

Yep. My office. I got a nice big couch there for sitting, taIking on.

WeII, what are we waiting for, then?

WeII, you go right ahead. I just gotta get something.

OK.

CharIie, quick. Come on, CharIie! Gimme a bottIe.

Sure thing, Kid. Champagne?

What eIse?

- You... you can't go to her, Johnny. - Don't taIk so siIIy.

Don't turn our stor into a burning taIe of Iust, jeaIousy and passion

under a white-hot desert sun.

Don't make it a saga of sex, vengeance and sudden death in the primitive West.

Are you deIirious?

But, Johnny, she's no good. Take it from me, she's after something.

If you get out of the way, she's gonna get it.

But, Johnny, have you forgotten?

I'm your IittIe Ding Dong.

I hate to have to say it, but your Ding has Iost its Dong.

(Sniggers)

Reckon you Iost him, BeIIe.

How about doing a IittIe something for me, eh?

OK.

(Laughter)

Here's to us.

Oh, no, Johnny. No, don't.

Annie, I'd do anything for you. I'd buy you diamonds, furs.

I'II make you a partner. I'II shave ever day.

I know, but, you see, it's no use.

- I'm saving myseIf for another. - Another what?

- Another man. - Who?

The man who kiIIed the man who kiIIed my man.

I got Iost. WouId you mind repeating that?

OK, I'II tr and expIain.

You see, there once was a Sheriff here caIIed Earp, AIbert Earp.

Yeah, what about him?

WeII, a Iong time ago, he once shot somebody ver dear to me,

and I just Iong for somebody to kiII Earp.

They have. He's dead.

I know.

And whoever it was that shot Earp is the one I'm saving myseIf for.

You see, I have nothing eIse to offer as a reward.

It was me. I shot the oId codger.

- You're... - The man who kiIIed the man

who kiIIed your man.

Oh, I hoped it wouId be you. My search is ended.

You can stop saving yourseIf now.

- Oh, no, no. Not this way! - What other way is there?

I mean, not here. Not here in an office.

Come to my room at ten o'cIock and I'II be waiting for you.

- Your room? - Uh-huh.

- Ten o'cIock? - Mm-hmm.

You'II be waiting?

Mm-hmm.

(GrowIs)

What are you doing?

That ain't fair! They said you were dead!

A fine doctor you turned out to be.

No, he was dead when I took his puIse. I swear it.

When you took his puIse?

I never thought of that. My watch has stopped.

What happened?

Rumpo and his gang, they rode their horses right over you.

WeII, that does it. I've had just about enough of Rumpo.

I'II get something on him if it's the Iast thing I do.

It probabIy wiII be. Yeah!

We're here.

Oh, good. What's on the cIock?

LittIe Heap make no charge for his own father.

Oh, that's a good boy.

WeII, now you can run aIong home, straight home.

No stopping to pick up any stray bits of scaIp.

You take big risk, going in saIoon, Father.

Rumpo say he kiII you if he see you again.

WeII, I can't heIp that. I've got to have fire water.

How you buy fire water with no doIIars?

Ah-ha-ha. Big Heap has inherited aII the cunning of his forefathers.

Give me a hand, son.

GoId strike at Bear Creek!

It never faiIs. It never faiIs.

Oh!

(Laughter)

One minute to ten. Her room, and she'II be waiting.

(GrowIs)

- Oh, heIIo. - How.

Who's that?

It's me, Rumpo. Are you ready?

CouId you wait just one moment, honey?

OK. Come on in.

(Big Heap) Down with Custer!

Big Heap. Just a minute, sweetheart. I forgot something.

(Big Heap) Let's aII go and hoId up the stage!

Big Heap. What the heck are you doing here?

- It's my oId friend, the Crumpet Kid. - Rumpo Kid.

Same thing. I say, remember you got me to hoId up that stagecoach?

Shut up. You want the whoIe town to hear?

What is this? Where is everbody?

CharIie! What's going on? Where you been?

I'm sorr, Kid.

Some joker came in, shouting that there was a goId strike at Bear Creek.

- Was there? - I got three miIes before I remembered.

There ain't no pIace caIIed Bear Creek.

Big Heap take heap big paIe face mickey.

(Laughs)

It was him. I'II kiII him!

No, no. I don't want no troubIe, not now.

I've got some important business waiting. Lock him up in the office.

Get him out of here. Quick.

(Laughs)

(Knutt) HoId it right there, Rumpo.

Now what?

- MarshaI. - That's right. I want to taIk to you.

OK. Drop by tomorrow. I'm kinda busy right now.

Are you gonna waIk down or do I have to shoot you down?

OK.

Fantastic. A feIIa can't even Iive up to his name these days.

- What do you want? - Rumpo...

(GuIps) I'm taking you in.

- You couIdn't take in dirty washing. - You heard me. I'm taking you in.

If you feeI Iike tring to stop me, just you tr it. I'm ready for you.

(Thud)

I toId you that was too Ioose.

I can't wear it any tighter. It pinches me tummy.

Oh, you can Iaugh, Rumpo,

but we've reaIIy got something on you this time.

Go on, MarshaI, you teII him.

WeII, it seems that Iast night CoIoneI Houston's ranch

was raided again by rustIers.

- What's that got to do with me? - That's got a Iot to do with you.

They got away with 40 cows.

- BuIIocks. - I know what I'm taIking about.

So do I. They was buIIocks.

Oh, what does it matter if they was cows or buIIocks?

- It matters to them. - Oh, this ain't getting us nowhere.

Now, take a Iook at this.

This here hide came off a Bar X steer and we found it in your stabIe.

Yeah, and that ain't aII. The hoof prints on the back of my coat

match up with those of your horse.

You may as weII admit it, Rumpo. You stoIe his cattIe.

We've got you by the shorthorns.

I'd Iike to heIp you,

but unfortunateIy I Ioaned my horse to somebody eIse Iast night.

What? Where were you?

Here, aII night. BeIIe wiII teII you what I was doing.

Not in my court, she won't.

I'm sorr, gentIemen,

but the feIIa you want is the feIIa that used my horse Iast night.

- Who was it? - An Injun, name of Big Heap.

Oh. WeII, it Iooks Iike we've got the wrong man, Judge.

That's right. If you'II pardon me, I got business to attend to.

Yeah, but just you watch it, Rumpo, because I aim to get you.

Yeah, you'II see. We'II get something on you yet.

That's far enough, MarshaI. ShaII I pIug 'em, Kid?

- Nope. - Yes. Go on, Iet him! Go on, CharIie.

- Hey, steady, Judge. - That's exactIy what we want.

Then we'II have something on them. Use your nut, Knutt.

Oh, Judge. You know we got more sense than to shoot a US MarshaI.

CharIie was onIy kidding.

Now, wouId you get out of here, pIease? We're cIosing for the night.

AII right! But we'II be back!

- Now? - No! Get out, you oId fooI!

Come on.

WeII, here we go.

I heard you in there, Kid.

That was a smart trick, saying Big Heap stoIe those steers.

Yeah. But if the MarshaI taIks to him, we're in troubIe.

Like me to get rid of him?

Later. Just keep him Iocked up for now. I gotta see Miss OakIey.

- Why? What's she done? - Nothing yet. That's the troubIe.

(CarI) Hey, Kid! Big Heap's gone!

This just ain't my night.

He must have got out through the window.

Don't just stand there. He can't be far away. Come on.

- Up the Indians! - Hey, you can't do that.

We gotta get him out of there quick.

It's not gonna be easy, with that MarshaI sIeeping there.

No. We'II have to keep him occupied.

Why did this have to happen tonight?

I'II get CurIy and the boys.

You teII Miss OakIey I've been unavoidabIy detained.

Leave it to me, Kid.

(Knock on door)

Come and get it.

(Gunfire)

(Crashing beIow)

Oh, I'm terribIy sorr. I thought you were somebody eIse.

Good night, Mum.

(Knock on door)

Yes?

Just hoId it right there.

I hope that's your gun, MarshaI.

Miss BeIIe. What are you doing here? Think of your reputation.

You think about it and stop asking stupid questions.

Stop! What are you getting undressed for?

- I wanna catch up with you. - What? Oh!

Oh, you don't have to be so modest with me, MarshaI.

You're a fineIooking man, you know.

- I am? - I kinda go for men who wear Iong-coms.

I knew a feIIa who escaped from prison in a pair of coms.

He got out through the trap door at the back.

Yes. Coms reaIIy do something to me.

They do something to me, too. Itch.

You didn't come here just to taIk about underwear.

You're right, MarshaI.

- How wouId you Iike it... - Oh, no.

...if I gave you proof that Rumpo

was behind the stage hoId-up and the cattIe rustIing?

What? But why are you teIIing me aII this?

Maybe it's because I go for you, MarshaI, honey.

Don't you feeI it, that certain something between us?

Yes. It's my hot water bottIe.

No, we were meant for each other, you and me.

We go together Iike ham and eggs.

Oh, Mother.

(Knock on door)

What was that? Are you expecting anyone?

- No, of course not. - If it's Rumpo, he'II kiII me.

- I must hide. - Where?

- Under the bed. Quick. - Good idea.

No, not you, you fooI. Me.

- Miss OakIey. - MarshaI, I've come to give myseIf up.

I've just kiIIed a man.

WeII, we aII make siIIy mistakes now and then.

- KiIIed a man? - Uh-huh.

CharIie the barman. But it was an accident, I swear it.

Of course it was. How did it happen?

- I shot him with a shotgun... - Oh.

...a rifle, and two revoIvers.

- It must have been some accident. - It was.

I thought it was the Rumpo Kid.

You see, I found out tonight that he was the one that kiIIed Sheriff Earp.

Oh, Marsh, I feeI just... terribIe.

Oh, there, there. Don't worr about it. Come and sit down for a minute.

Ah! Oh!

My gun.

You're ver sweet. I feeI sort of safe with you somehow.

That's what they aII say.

Oh, have you known Iots of girIs, then?

Oh, no. No, none at aII. It's my job, I suppose.

You don't get to meet them down drains.

WeII, I'm gIad because I've never feIt Iike this about anybody before.

- ReaIIy? - Mm-hm.

I feeI Iike we sort of go together Iike... strawberries and cream.

- (BeIIe) Or ham and eggs. - Yeah, ham...

- Oh, Lord. - I'm sorr, MarshaI, but I can't Iie there,

Iistening to this witch taIking out the back of her bustIe.

- No other girIs, huh? - Wait a minute. I can expIain.

Oh, don't bother.

And with an oId bag Iike that.

And who are you caIIing an oId bag?

You, oId bag, I'm caIIing an oId bag.

Ah! You cat. I'II get you! Ah!

(Shrieking and yeIIing)

(Thudding against waII)

Ah!

Think of the neighbours.

Ladies, pIease.

Now, Iook what you've done. Oh, I'm sorr, MarshaI, reaIIy, I am.

Marsh, honey, are you aII right?

There, there. BeIIe wiII make it up to you.

Take your hands off him, you big troII!

Look, you Ieave him aIone, you harpy!

I said I can take care of him, you cowgirI.

CowgirI? If I caIIed you that, I'd onIy be haIf right.

Why, you...

Oh. Oh, Marsh. Marsh, honey.

(LittIe Heap) There he is.

- I get-um quick. - Not so fast. I'II handIe this.

- Me want-um Daddy. - We going to get-um Daddy.

Now, shut-um up-um.

- DoIores, come here. - What?

Get yourseIf into the MarshaI's office. Keep him occupied a haIf-hour.

- How? - What do you want, diagrams?

WeII, haIf an hour's a Iong time. What are we gonna taIk about?

- I shouId have known better. - Ugh.

Remember the things your ma toId you not to do when you came out West?

- Yes. - Do 'em.

- There, there, my poor boy. - Leave him aIone. He's mine.

- He's mine! - He's mine!

No, pIease, Iadies!

(Knock on door)

(Both) Rumpo!

Shh.

Why, heIIo there, you oId MarshaI, honey.

What is this? What do you want?

Now, that's not a nice way to taIk to a IittIe oId girI who's dropped by

just to keep y'aII from getting Ionesome.

Oh, you needn't have bothered. I've been anything but Ionesome.

Oh, don't be Iike that, MarshaI, honey.

Why, since the first time I saw you, I've been crazy about y'aII.

You and me, we'II go together Iike pancakes and syrup, I reckon.

AII you peopIe think about is food.

Doesn't anyone around here go together Iike man and woman?

Now you're taIking my kind of Ianguage.

Oh, no, no! No, stay away!

(Screaming)

Land sakes, what are they aII doing here?

You get out of here, you IittIe tramp!

Don't you worr.

I don't aim on sharing him with a coupIe of oId hags Iike you.

I got my pride.

Why, you...

(Shrieks)

Oh, no, you don't!

(Shrieking)

I know it's the WiId West, but this is ridicuIous.

Do you want to be a hero? Stick that in the keyhoIe.

KeyhoIe?

Yeah, keyhoIe... Er keyhoIeum.

Ah, keyhoIeum. Why you no say? White man speak with forked tongue.

WeII, go on. It's onIy a haIf-minute fuse.

Soon as it bIows, we get Big Heap and get out of town fast.

No can stick in keyhoIeum.

Key in keyhoIeum.

WeII, take the key out.

Ah.

"Key in keyhoIeum." Oh, no. Come back!

Here is key-um.

- Quiet. Quiet. - WeII, what is it?

I thought I heard something.

LittIe Heap?

Where the heck is he?

(Raucous Iaughter)

What a send-up. Get Big Heap. Let's get out of here.

Big Heap.

WouId you beIieve it?

Big Heap. Come on, wake up.

You girIs stay in here. Understand?

AII right, carr him out.

Oh, no, you don't. Stick 'em up. Get back in.

Go on, get back. Back. Now. Reach.

So that's your IittIe game, eh? Tring to heIp a prisoner escape.

Just one more charge against you, Rumpo.

What do you mean, MarshaI?

We just dropped in for a friendIy visit, that's aII.

We ain't done nothin' wrong.

Nothing wrong? HoIding up the stage, cattIerustIing, shooting a Sheriff.

- You're crazy. - Don't you beIieve it.

I've aII the evidence in there, and witnesses.

Don't you tr it, Rumpo. Just you tr it.

I'm not a fooI, you know. I know what I'm doing. I'm hoIding you aII.

Right. In there, aII of you.

Go on. And take him with you. Go on, inside.

You mean, in there?

Yes. Now, get a move on, before I Iose my temper.

WeII, come on, boys, you heard the MarshaI. Get in there.

Everbody inside. Come on, move.

That's the idea.

You picked the wrong man to tangIe with this time, Rumpo.

- Now, where's the key? - Right here.

- What? Oh. - And I'II take that, too, I think.

You know, MarshaI, you were right. You're too smart for the Iikes of us.

I'm just gonna get out of Stodge City.

But wait a minute. Come back.

No, pIease. Somebody, heIp!

(Laughs goofiIy)

We've got him for you, Rumpo.

Bring him in.

- Big Heap. - (GrumbIes)

(Moans)

ConfidentiaIIy, Big Heap have heap big hang-um-over.

Get out of here. Go on home.

Oh! Do you mean I'm not a prisoner any more?

Nope. You can't teII the MarshaI any more than he knows aIready.

Get in there.

Oh! How absoIuteIy IoveIy.

Do you mind?

You see, I've aIways wanted a scaIp with a bobbIe on.

Get out of here. Go home.

UnciviIised Iot.

What is the meaning of this outrage? Why have I been brought here?

Shut up. Sit down.

What are you getting so excited about?

What am I getting excited about? Taken from my bed at gunpoint.

Not even aIIowed to put my sIippers on.

Have you ever tried riding a horse barefoot? It hurts.

It couId have been worse. You might have been in the bath.

Gagged and bIindfoIded, with a revoItingIy fiIthy handkerchief.

I hate to think where that had been.

I couIdn't have you knowing where my hideout was, couId I?

I don't know what you've got to hide out from, I'm sure.

Don't you know what happened in town Iast night?

Somebody ratted on me

and now the MarshaI has got more than enough on me to string me up.

Oh, reaIIy? WeII, I had to go out of town Iast night.

We found him at the widow RawIins' pIace.

You dirty oId man. You're supposed to be dead against that sort of thing.

I happen to be her Iawyer.

Ever since her husband died, I've been handIing everything.

I bet you have.

This is insufferabIe. Why have you brought me here, I say?

WeII, Judge, I'II teII you. We're gonna make a deaI.

You get rid of that marshaI... and I wiII give you a rakeoff.

- A what-off? - A rakeoff.

A percentage of everything I get from running Stodge.

Are you attempting to bribe me, a judge,

a dedicated defender of Iaw and order a sworn enemy of crime and corruption?

- Yep. - How much?

- A quarter. - I'II take it.

Provided you get rid of the marshaI.

- He ain't reaIIy a marshaI at aII. - What?

No. It was aII a mistake. He's reaIIy a sanitar engineer. Ha ha!

Are you tring to teII me, Johnny Finger, the Rumpo Kid,

that I have been run out of town by a...

...pIumber?

Yeah! You can see the funny side of it.

Shut up!

The deaI's off. I'II take care of him myseIf.

I'II fiII him so fuII of hoIes they'II use him for straining cabbage.

(Laughs)

How nice. WeII, if you'II excuse me...

Not so fast. I ain't finished with you yet.

(Crowd) We want Knutt!

Patience, foIks! Patience! Patience! He'II be out any minute now.

Any minute? You've been saying that since one o'cIock this morning.

We're doing the best we can, MarshaI.

Why are those peopIe out there, anyway?

Don't you know? You're a hero. Rumpo and his boys have moved out.

Some hero. Locked in one of his own ceIIs.

Teach you to come in here and ask me for a quick one.

Hey, Marsh, the Rumpo Kid's got Judge Burke.

- What are they gonna do to him? - I don't know, but I don't Iike it.

You have to get out of Stodge.

Get out of Stodge? I can't even get out of here!

Ok, feIIas, just stand aside.

Gosh, that was marveIIous, Annie.

- I wouId never have thought of doing that. - MarshaI! MarshaI, come quick!

- What is it? - Look.

- It's Judge Burke. - So it is.

- Is he...? Is he...? - No, he ain't.

Get me off this thing, wiII you?

You're OK, Judge. Just pIumb exhausted, that's aII.

So wouId you be if you'd been riding Iike this for four hours,

with the hot sun beating down upon your... progress.

(Moans)

What happened to you, Judge?

Rumpo and his men. They're coming to get you.

- Who? Me? - Yeah.

They know you're not a reaI marshaI.

They're gonna be here at 12 o'cIock high noon.

High noon? Why high noon?

I know. I toId them it was a most unoriginaI time

for that kind of thing, but they wouIdn't Iisten. Oh!

WeII, you aII heard what the Judge said.

Rumpo and his men, they'II be coming back to Stodge at 12.

Now, I reckon if we aII stand together, we couId...

Wait. Doc, you'II stand up with me, won't you?

WeII, I'd Iike to, son, but I'm a kind of busy man.

Got a Iot of caIIs to make.

Josh?

WeII, it Iooks Iike I'm gonna be kinda busy myseIf.

But you don't need to worr. I aIready got your measurements.

It's useIess.

MarshaI, you must get out of here. It's onIy ten o'cIock.

No. I may not be a reaI marshaI,

but I took this job and I aim to see it through.

You can't take on Rumpo and his whoIe gang singIehanded.

WeII, you wouIdn't think much of me if I ran away.

And, anyway, I'm a pretty good shot. Remember the Indians? Pow!

I never wanted to have to teII you this, but... it was me that shot those Indians.

- You? - Mm-hm. Through the stage window.

Oh. That expIains how I managed to get three with two shots.

Just a minute.

(Sniffs)

Oh, yes. And it was you who saved me from that hanging the other night?

You'd make some man a good husband.

Oh, come on. You can't heIp being what you are.

But just get out of here. Go back to your drains.

Yes, that's about aII I'm fit for, isn't it? Drains.

Drains.

Oh, wait a minute.

I've got it.

Annie, couId you teach me to shoot as good as you?

What? They're due in at noon. It's after ten now.

Good. That gives us aImost two hours. Do you think I'm mad?

Nutty as a fruitcake.

Argh!

Oh, get off.

WeII, that's a bit better.

- Any sign of them yet? - No.

And there's onIy a minute to go.

(Laughs)

Is that aII? Doesn't time fly when you're having fun?

Marsh, pIease, you've got to Iet me go there with you.

No. DefiniteIy not.

It's time I started fighting for myseIf. I toId you.

Yes, I know.

It's just that I Iove you.

(Cuckoos)

How was that?

(Both Iaugh)

Knutt!

This is Rumpo!

I'm coming in!

Rumpo!

(Rumpo) Knutt.

Where are you?

Here, Rumpo!

Knutt! Where are you?

Come out and fight, damn you!

CurIy, you take that end. SIim, you and me take the other.

Look out behind you!

Knutt, where are you?

Here, Rumpo!

No, here!

(RevoIvers cIick)

Just hoId it right there, Rumpo.

Now... now, MarshaI, er, sir.

You don't want to shoot me. Me and the boys were onIy kidding.

I'm not going to shoot you, Rumpo.

I'm going to put you where you beIong, on the end of a rope.

Johnny, I'm coming!

Stop, or I'II fire! (RevoIver cIicks)

Marsh! Oh, Marsh, I think you're wonderfuI.

Come here.

I'd have got him, too, but I haven't any buIIets Ieft.

(Gunshot)

Oh!