Original subtitles

[GOD ONLY KNOWSPLAYING]

♪ I may not always love you

♪ But long as there are stars above you

♪ You never need to doubt it

♪ I'll make you so sure about it

♪ God only knows what I'd be without you

♪ If you should ever leave me

♪ Well, life would still go on, believe me

♪ The world could show nothing to me

♪ So what good would living do me

♪ God only knows what I'd be without you

♪ God only knows what I'd be without you. ♪ Come on, you guys

♪ God only knows what I'd be without you ♪ What I'd be without you

♪ God only knows what I'd be without you ♪ He knows

♪ God only knows what I'd be without you ♪ Without you

♪ God only knows what I'd be without you

♪ God only knows what I'd be without you ♪

MARY: I've been born again my whole life.

Accepting Jesus into your heart

and getting saved is a big decision,

especially for a three-year-old.

My faith taught me that everything is a part of God's plan.

Mom said that He even had a reason

for taking my father to Heaven.

She explained that Daddy was with the angels.

I wanted to be with the angels, too.

[BRAKES SCREECHING]

[SCREAMS]

But God had other plans.

Jesus became the center of my life.

He's not supposed to be white.

I was watching this thing on television...

Of course He's white. Gosh, sometimes I think my brother's retarded, too!

No, your brother's not retarded.

MARY: I was a member in good standing of the Christian Jewels.

It's sort of like a girl gang for Jesus.

[ALL CLAMORING]

My mom was named the number one Christian interior decorator

for the entire region.

And in spite of living in what the Bible calls "the End Times,"

my future was looking bright.

I had the perfect Christian boyfriend,

and I was about to be a senior at a really good Christian school.

Two weeks before summer vacation ended, everything changed.

[EXCLAIMS]

My boyfriend and I played this game of telling each other secrets underwater.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

It's lame, I know,

but this wasn't exactly the MTV Beach House.

Okay, now my turn.

Okay. Ready?

What?

Mary!

[EXCLAIMS]

Maybe it was because I was drowning,

or the shock of Dean's confession,

but at that moment, I had a vision.

Dean needs you now. You must do all you can to help him.

No, it's just a little bump, Mom. I'm totally fine.

Okay. All right.

[SCREAMS IN SURPRISE]

MARY: Mom was away at the Christian Community Leaders' Convention

in Orlando with Pastor Skip, the principal of my school.

Honey...Mom?

You didn't tell me Pastor Skip was so nice. Everybody loves him.

We've been talking about setting up our own fellowship program

when I get back to Cherry Hill.

LILLIAN: I have to go.

MALE VOICE ON WEB SITE: Come and get it! Come and get it!

Okay? I love you.

I... I love you, too.Bye.

What's shaking, Skip?

[LAUGHS]

Good morning.

[SIGHS]

MARY: How could my boyfriend be gay?

He's, like, the best Christian I know.

He's an athlete who's constantly strengthening himself,

physically, creatively and spiritually for the Lord.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING] ♪ Hallelujah

Thank you, Jesus.

Why had he been stricken with such a spiritually toxic affliction?

[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

I figured I needed to take the most direct approach to saving him.

[PEOPLE MOANING] I mean, it was Christ's will and all.

Jesus spoke to you? In person?He trusts me.

You're just gonna have to trust me, too.

[SIGHS]

Just kiss me, Okay?

Okay. Okay.Okay.

Dean and I worked diligently on his problem for the rest of the summer.

Anything yet?

Uh...

Now?

Are you sure this isn't a sin?

MARY: I was pretty sure what we were doing wasn't a sin,

but not sure enough to give Dean what he really needed.

I needed spiritual guidance or a sign or something, and quick.

[GUN FIRING]

Hilary Faye seemed to have a spiritual solution for every problem.

Christian girls have got to know how to protect themselves.

I mean, sure, Jesus could restore my physical and spiritual virginity,

especially if I lost it to some rapist,

[SIGNAL BUZZING]but who wants that?

I'm saving myself until marriage,

and I'll use force if necessary.

[GASPS]

What's all that about restoring your virginity?

I mean, physically, you're a virgin once.

Yeah, and it's not about reversing the violation of your blessed womb,

it's about Jesus granting you a virginal heart.

That way, you're pure again.

Do it.

MARY: My next move was clear.

HILARY FAYE: Nice! You're getting the hang of it.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[EXHALES] Mary...

Hi.

[SIGHS]

What are you doing? What's going on?

What's going on?

[MOANING]

[BOTH PANTING]

MARY: Sure, it was a radical step,

but why else had Jesus directed me to the gun range?

Thank you, Jesus.

[ROCK MUSIC BLARING FROM CAR STEREO]

[HONKING]

MARY: Having asked Jesus to restore my emotional and spiritual virginity

in exchange for curing Dean,

I started senior year with all of that behind me.

[SIGHS]

This new van is amazing.

Thanks.

Okay, it's official.

They're Christian Jewels. I bought one for everybody.

Pin it on. I want to see it.

Ow!

It's terrific, Hilary Faye. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hi, Roland. How was your summer?

What?

Your summer, how was it?

Well, I went rollerblading, water-skiing, learned to kickbox.

You know, the usual.

Why do you make people feel awkward about your differently-abledness?

I'm sorry, Mary. I really don't know what's gotten into him.

WOMAN ON RADIO: Here's the latest from Godflight.

Oh, I love these guys.

They are totally Jesus-centric and gorgeous.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

Bye, Mom.

MARY: Veronica was adopted by her parents

when they were missionaries in Vietnam.

Hilary Faye sees her as an example of God's will

triumphing over a savage, godless nation.

So, what do you think of the new ride?

Oh, you're so lucky, Hilary Faye.

Yeah. I could've had a Lexus Gold Edition, you know.

Wow! Roland is blessed with such a thoughtful sister.

In countries like China,

Hilary Faye probably would've been killed at birth.

Yeah. And then where would you be, Roland?

China.

Welcome. You're one of us now.

What?HILARY FAYE: Come on, put it on!

HILARY FAYE: I'll have no time to warm up now.

Where's Dean? He knows I have to sing at assembly this morning.

He's coming.

Can you go move him along a bit?

Yeah. No problem.Thank you.

Hey! Is Dean ready?

I... I found this under Dean's bed last night.

He's on his way to Mercy House this morning.

He could be gone a long time.

We thought you should know.

But...

I'm so sorry, Mary.

[HONKING]HILARY FAYE: Let's go!

Well, is he coming out or not?

Not.

MARY: Mercy House is a Christian treatment facility

where they deal with everything from drug abuse to alcoholism

to de-gayification and unwed mothers.

I need to tell you guys something.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Ugh.Ew.

ROLAND: What? It was no secret.

He was a one-man gay pride parade.

[PERSONAL JESUSPLAYING]

♪ Your own personal Jesus

We've never had a gay at American Eagle.

Well, look, we're not going to tell anyone, okay?

Hilary Faye?Yeah.

You promised me.Yeah, that's fine.

If you'd married him, the gayness would be passed on to your children.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[GIRLS SCREAMING]

[ENGINE REVVING]

MARY: Cassandra Edelstein was the only Jewish to ever attend American Eagles.

She transferred in last year amid rumors that she was a stripper.

Everyone wanted to get her saved, especially Hilary Faye.

Hi, Cass. Welcome back.

[COUGHING]

Smoking isn't just bad for you, it's bad for all of us.

Mmm-hmm.Second hand smoke kills.

I'm counting on it.

[GIRLS GASPING]

Oh, my gosh, Hilary Faye! Are you okay?

I bet she doesn't even have a handicap permit for her car.

And I'm right.

Oh, my God.

Come on, we don't want to be late, okay?

Okay.

[EXHALES]

Let's get to class.

Hi.Hey.

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

Hey!

I like your jewel!Oh, that's awesome!

GIRL: Hi, Hilary Faye.

Guys, guess what?

I think Jesus appeared to me in my fish tank. And he...

Oh!

[GIRLS EXCLAIM]HILARY FAYE: It's okay. It didn't move...

But the tank's dirty and most of the fish are dead,

but my mom said if you guys want to come over...

Thanks. See you after class, okay?

Okay, I'll talk to you guys after class.

[BELL RINGING]

I hope you let God use you as a vessel

for His divine plan this summer.

I'm sure you have noticed the beautiful billboard

designed and painted by our own Hilary Faye,

and donated by her father.

Thank you. Mary helped.

And speaking of new additions,

please welcome Patrick Wheeler.

[CLASS CLAPS]

MARY: Most of the boys in school look like NASA employees.

Not Patrick. There had to be a catch.

TEACHER: Patrick is Pastor Skip's son.

He's been in South America doing missionary work with his mother.

And he toured the world with the Christian Skateboard Association.

Nice.

Hitting the board for the Lord?

CASSANDRA: Is nothing sacred to you people?

Before assembly,

let's catch up on what everyone did this summer.

Mary? Let's start with you.

♪ Holy, holy, holy

♪ Lord God Almighty

♪ All works praise him

♪ In earth and sky and sea

[BELL RINGING] ♪ Holy, holy, holy

♪ Merciful and mighty

[COUGHING] ♪ God in three Persons, blessed Trinity

[DOOR OPENING]

PASTOR SKIP: All right, everyone.

Put your hands together for the Christian Jewels!

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

[PLAYING PIANO MUSIC]

♪ Sweet words to myself

♪ Will make the clouds disappear

♪ If you were gone

♪ What would I become?

♪ You're so good to me

♪ You're so good to me ♪ I mean that! Oh, clarity

♪ Dear God

♪ A little piece of Heaven

♪ A little piece of Heaven in my world... ♪

I figured they would have sent you to a special school by now.

This is a special school.Oops.

No.

I fell out of a tree when I was nine.

Hilary Faye found me.

She calls it the miracle that saved my life.

The miracle would've been not falling out of the tree in the first place.

Sorry.

Is that why you're behind a year?

Yeah.

We should get back inside.

Hmm.

Nice.

You want a push?

Thanks.

You stare at my ass again, I will push you off a cliff.

[VOCALIZING]

[WILD APPLAUSE]

Thank you, Jesus. Amen.

[WHOOMP! [THERE IT IS] PLAYING]

♪ Whoomp! There it is

All right!

♪ Whoomp! There it is

♪ Whoomp! There it is

♪ Whoomp! There it is ♪

Welcome to the first assembly of the year.

Give it up to the Lord! Jesus is in the house!

[CHEERING]

All right! All right! All right!

Let's get our Christ on. Let's kick it Jesus style!

Y'all want to walk with the ultimate rebel?

The ultimate CEO, the biggest celebrity of them all.

Who's down with G-O-D?

[ALL APPLAUDING]I'm down with the G-O-D, that's right!

All right!

Jesus rules! Jesus rules!

ALL: [CHANTING] Jesus rules! Jesus rules! Jesus rules!

All right! All right!

Yeah!

All right, let's pray.

PASTOR SKIP: Lord, we're going to have an awesome year here at American Eagles.

HILARY FAYE: I know I'm not supposed to ask for specifics, Lord,

like when I prayed for an expensive car

and got the handicapper van instead,

but I want this to be the best year ever.

And between you and me, I think you'll agree I totally deserve it.

VERONICA: Thank you for sparing me from eternal damnation.

I'm sorry I let that Promise Maker guy touch me in the rectory.

TIA: Daddy still hasn't stopped drinking,

but I know you're working on it.

I really want to be a Jewel.

CASSANDRA: I wonder if roller boy's paralyzed everywhere below the waist?

ROLAND: Oh, yeah, she digs me.

PATRICK: Please, Jesus, don't let Dad humiliate me.

Those Jesus freaks are onto something.

Especially in front of her.

MARY: About Dean and I?

I thought we had a deal.

Why is he at Mercy House?

You did restore me, right?

PASTOR SKIP: And keep our President safe. Amen.

ALL: Amen.

Now, who wants to come down here and give their heart to the Lord?

[SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]

Who wants to start the year off right and get saved?

Lot of temptations over the summer.

I bet some of you folks backslid just a little.

Who wants to recommit themselves to the Lord?

There we go! All right.

All right. Praise Jesus.

Fantastic. Praise Jesus. Come on down.

There you go.

Awesome!

PASTOR SKIP: Fantastic. All right.

Welcome home. Welcome home, Jesus.

Welcome to assembly. Jesus loves you.

[MURMURING]

Praise Jesus. Accept Him into your heart.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Hallelujah!

[EXCLAIMING]

PASTOR SKIP: Hallelujah! Bear witness.

She's speaking God's love language.

Oh, my God. The Jew girl's speaking in tongues.

She's gonna show her boobs. Thank you, Jesus.

PATRICK: She is! She's gonna show her boobs.

[CONTINUES SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

She's saying she's got a hot...

[FEEDBACK OVER MIC]

[ALL GASPING]

MARY: After that, Cassandra's status went from cautionary tale to legend.

There was no act too vulgar to get her expelled.

But the more she acted out,

[SCREAMING] the more Hilary Faye wanted to get her saved.

I'm totally glad that she wasn't expelled.

Her actions are such a cry for help.

She might not know this now, but she's, like,

that much closer to accepting Jesus into her heart, right?

Seriously, she could be some poor savage in some remote jungle

who will never know the Lord and who will never go to Heaven, ever.

HILARY FAYE: That's why God has missionaries like Patrick to spread His word.

[EXCLAIMS]

Oh, gosh.

Yeah, what's up, guys?

Hi.

You're Mary, right? Thanks, bro.

Yeah.

You played the keyboard during assembly. That was really cool.

Thanks.HILARY FAYE: Isn't she great?

She knows just how to complement my vocal stylings

without overpowering them.

Ah.

We were just talking about your missionary work.

So great.

So, like, what part of the world has the worst heathens,

'cause I'm so interested in that.

Honestly, I couldn't say. Mostly, I just stuck to skating.

No, no, no. But how many of them did you actually save?

Hey, you guys, I totally scored some free stuff for you.

Thank you, Tia.

Piss off, asshole! And another thing, no more muffin for you.

The muffin shop is closed.

Oh, my gosh!

She's in worse shape than I ever could have imagined, you guys. Right?

We need to show her just how cool we Christians can be.

Yeah, totally.

Let's start laughing...

Now!

[LAUGHING LOUDLY]

Hey, Cassandra. Come join us. We're just...

Roland! You want to go wait in the van again?

These are new pants.

Oh, you're handicapped, but get it together.

Hey, Roland. How about we get out of here,

and you can give me a little spin in that thing, hmm?

Release his parking brake, Hilary Faye.

You smell like Tia's dad. Have you been drinking? Come on. Careful!

Ooh! I'm having a vision of the Virgin Mary.

Jeez, Cassandra, are you all right?

What she needs to do is accept Jesus into her heart.

What she needs is a ride home.

PATRICK: I'll take her.

I'll help you, then.Come on, Cassandra.

HILARY FAYE: No, no, no, no.

Get off me!

HILARY FAYE: Helping Patrick haul Cassandra out of the mall

was like the most perfect God-centered moment.

You really learn a lot about a boy when you're servicing the Lord.

Hey, Hilary Faye, I can see your pad. I can see it!

Quit it!

TEACHER: Up through the knees, still bent at the waist, and roll to standing. Good!

And twist and hold. Come on, keep holding.

I know what you're looking at, Mary. And Jesus does, too.

[VOMITING]

MARY: After a threatening letter

from the State Board of Education,

they finally broke down and created a sex ed class.

A little too late, I might add.

So, it's all about populating the planet.

And good Christians don't get jiggy with it until they're married.

Lights!

Yes, Mary?

Is it possible Jesus might need us

to do His will by not waiting?

[CLASS LAUGHING]

Wait, of course He wants us to wait.

I don't think I get what you mean, Mary.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

I don't know.

MAN ON TV: Which variety of bass is not indigenous to North America?

B, Smallmouth.Peacock.

BRENDA: Largemouth? MAN: Sorry, that's incorrect.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

This religious figure was known for offering to God one of his sons.

Moses.

MAN: Brenda? BRENDA: [STUTTERING] I'm guessing Abraham.

MAN: That's correct. Congratulations. Well done.

I hate this show.

WOMAN: Coming up onLifetime, Valerie Bertinelli stars inBitter Harvest,

a sensitive portrayal of one woman's struggle with cancer.

Oh, this looks good.

VALERIE: There was a feeling of twilight in the air,

all honeydew and lilac.

God wasn't just smiling down on me.

He was jumping up and cheering.

And then, well... I thought I was pregnant.

I'd been throwing up every morning

and I hadn't had my period in two months.

So, I took a home pregnancy test.

WOMAN 2: What happened?

I found out I wasn't pregnant.

[SIGHING] It was the cancer.

She found all that out from a home pregnancy test?

MARY: Valerie's struggles made me realize that my problems weren't so bad.

Dean was getting help, and I still had the Jewels.

I was going to be okay.

[SIGHS]

[GASPS]

Hey, Mary.

You work here, too?

I'm saving up for a car. Hey, when I get one, I can come pick you up.

You okay?

Yeah, it's just really hot in here.

I'll see you later.Promise?

Please let it be cancer! Please let it be cancer!

Please let it be cancer! Please let it be cancer!

[TICKING]

[TIMER DINGS]

[SIGHS]

[EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION]

The test mentioned something about a possible false positive.

Do you have anything later on Monday?

3:00? No, I can make that.

I have my leadership meeting tonight after work.

You're not wearing that, are you?

Why not?

You just can't, Mom.

You're right, it's too hot for a sweater.

[SIGHS]

I'll see you later.Bye, hon.

Hey, Mary, sorry to hear about Dean's faggotry.

What?

See you at P circle?

Can I talk to you?

Yeah.

What's going on?

You promised me.

Oh, Mary.

It's hard,

but I think this is the only way we can help Dean.

Don't you think?

Come on, you're not born a gay.

You're born again.

I don't know what I think anymore.

I've got to go.

Wait, don't you need me to give you a ride home?

Not today.

Well, well, tonight at the prayer circle meeting, okay?

Prayer circle meeting at my house at 7:00.

I'm conducting it for Mary's gay boyfriend, Dean.

What?

You know where a guy can get some smokes?

[LIGHTER CLICKS]

What's the matter? Scared to be seen in public with a stripper?

No. Scared of being seen with a cripple?

I've been seen with worse.

Hilary Faye's gonna freak out when I'm not there.

Who cares?

It's just that I don't get out much on my own.

I'm not really a stripper.

I'm not really a Christian.

So, how did you end up at American Eagle?

I mean, you're Jewish, right?

Well, after I got expelled from my last school,

it was either here or home-schooling.

I figure I could handle these freaks better than my parents.

Well... Lucky me.

Are you playing footsies with me?

Wheelies.

Hey, isn't that...

ROLAND: Mary? What's she doing downtown?

There's only one reason Christian girls come down to the Planned Parenthood.

She's planting a pipe bomb?

Okay, two reasons.

With Dean?

I think there's a better chance of that pipe bomb.

I should get home.

Yeah, you should.

[IN THIS LIFEPLAYING]

♪ Let me show you what I'm made of

♪ Good intentions are not enough

♪ To get me through today and this life

♪ Let me tell you who you really are

♪ You're my comfort You're not a superstar

♪ I can reach up and bring you back down to the ground ♪

Shit!

Fuck!

God damn.

HILARY FAYE: And we pray for all the perverts, Lord, but especially for Dean,

whom, at this time, just hasn't found the right girl.

We join together and beg You to rid him of his unnatural perversions.

May You lead him out of the darkness, Lord,

and into your divine light. Amen.

[CLAPPING]

That was good. That felt really nice.

Thank you so much for that great prayer.

Hi, Mary.Hi.

How are you? It's so good to see you. We've been waiting for you.

We were just finishing up, so if you have anything else you want to add,

Jesus is still listening.

Jesus isn't listening, Hilary Faye.

I did everything I could to save Dean,

and he still ended up at Mercy House.

Okay. Let's take a breath...

What can they say and do that I haven't already done?

We have to pray about this.

Prayer works, it's medically proven.

You know that.Just lay off of me!

Whoa! Wait a second.

Give me that.

You could pollute the Jewels and everything we stand for.

And I can't have that. Goodbye.

I hope you know that this is all a waste of time.

I just got off the phone with Hilary Faye.

Wow, can she be an uppity hootie-hoo.

[SIGHS]

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Come on.

Why do you think Dean's parents sent him away so fast?

They probably thought they couldn't handle it by themselves.

Having a child is like owning a car.

I can change the oil, fill the gas tank, take it to a car wash,

but if the carburetor broke, I wouldn't have a clue as to how to fix it.

You're saying you'd send me to a place like Mercy House?

Oh, Mary, please don't tell me you're a lesbian.

Mom.Oh!

[CHUCKLES]

LILLIAN: Should I be worried about you?

I don't need to worry about you. Do I?

No.

No, no.

MARY: My mom just compared me to a car,

so me having a baby definitely falls into

the category of things she couldn't handle.

A week after prom, and two days after I turned 18,

I was going to join the unwed mothers' club.

MARY: Dean, I'm really sorry about what we did.

We should have at least used protection, you know?

You're the only person I've ever been with.

No. I know that.

I don't have anything.

Dean, I really...

I need to tell you something.

Hey, governor.

[GIGGLING] Hi, Mitch.

Mitch?

My roommate. He's here for the same reason as me.

He even ran away from home to San Francisco. He's the worst one here.

You'd better be careful.

I'm gonna beat this.

According to the brochure, hundreds of others have.

What were you going to say?

Nothing. Just...

I wanted to know if you'd be out by prom.

Wild horses couldn't stop me.

I got to go. We're doing a Christian haunted house. Happy Halloween.

[DIAL TONE DRONING]

Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go. Let's pick it up.

Hey, Mary.

Nice costume.

Thanks.

'Cause we have the same...

Roland! Roland!

If you don't let go of my chair,

I'm gonna tell everybody you touched me

inappropriately while helping me in the bathroom.

Oh, really? Is that supposed to embarrass me?

ROLAND: I'm just tired of you pushing me around.

Maybe I am tired of pushing you around. He's all yours!

Thanks! Call me later, 'kay?

He doesn't appreciate one thing you do for him.

Yeah. You know, without the strength and love that Jesus provides me,

do you really think Cassandra's going to be able to take care of him?

No way.

She's just gonna end up hurting him.

By the look of the bruises on his neck, she already has.

Tia, please!

What are you supposed to be?

A roller skate.

I've got something to show you.

You do?Mmm-hmm.

You didn't just do this for the parking permit, did you?

Pretty much.

MARY: In the meantime,

I was trying to find a new religion or a new God or whatever.

But to tell you the truth, they were all kind of freaking me out.

I mean, sure, they can't all be right,

but they can't all be wrong, right?

You know, the whole crystal thing is so felt up.

Don't you have a church to desecrate or something?

Roland and I both saw you sneaking out of the clinic.

Kudos on the Bono shades, by the way.

I was distributing pamphlets.

I was trying to prevent girls like you from making a mistake.

Thank you.

After we win the costume contest,

we'll give religious tracts to the kids instead of candy.

Good one.VERONICA: Good idea. That's awesome.

Hey, ladies. Sorry, you got a second?

Yeah.

Listen, I'm concerned about Mary.

Something's going on.

Yeah, me, too.

She's part of your posse, and I think that you could help her.

I'm gonna need you to be a warrior our there on the front lines for Jesus.

You mean, like, shoot her?

[CHUCKLES]

No, I was thinking of something a little less gangsta.

I need someone who's spiritually armed

to help guide her back to her faith

with the love and care that only Jesus can supply. You down with that?

HILARY FAYE: I'm down with that.

PASTOR SKIP: She's vulnerable right now,

so I'm gonna need you to be extra gentle.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

HILARY FAYE: Hurry!

I'm going, I'm going.

[GIRLS CLAMORING]

MARY: Tia?

Hurry up, hurry up!

In the name of Jesus, I command you,

leave the body of this servant of God.

You're performing an exorcism on me? Get off me!

TIA: Mary, come back here.

Hey, Mary, we have to get rid of the evil in you.

It's God's will!

God's will?Christ died for your sins.

Okay, wait a second. So are you not gonna accept our intervention?

You mean, kidnapping? No!

You are backsliding into the flames of hell.

You've become a magnet for sin. We've all witnessed it.

Sure, Veronica acting all pure.

What about last spring break

at the Promise Makers rally, huh?

Oh, my God! You are making accusationsGet off me.

as we're trying to save your soul?

Mary, turn away from Satan. Jesus, He loves you.

You don't know the first thing about love.

I am filled with Christ's love.

God!

You are just jealous of my success in the Lord.

This is not a weapon, you idiot.

[DOG BARKING]

[HORN HONKS]Mary! Hi.

Did they send you to strap me on the back of your scooter?

Scooter? Mary, this is a Vespa,

and I don't know what you're talking about. Hop on.

I'd rather walk.

Suit yourself.

PATRICK: She actually tried to exorcise you?

MARY: Yeah.

That was nice of her, I guess.

The way things have been going,

I probably should've let her.

Listen, Mary,

I want you to know that I don't think Dean's sick or anything.

Yeah, right.

No, really. I mean, Mercy House doesn't really exist for

the people who get sent there.

It exists more for the people who do the sending.

So, then, why were you at Hilary Faye's when she was praying for Dean?

Honestly?

I thought you'd be there.

Well, thank you for the ride, Patrick.

Any time.

Mary!

Do you want to go out some time?

What? Are you gonna take me out on your scooter?

Come on. I'm totally adorable.

Besides, it'd drive Hilary Faye crazy.

I can't. I'm not dating right now.

What about tomorrow night? Will you be dating then?

Goodnight, Patrick.

[BELL RINGING]

[CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYING]HILARY FAYE: Thank you! You guys are so sweet.

You know what?

We need to...

We need to think about those people who don't have Christ in their life.

So, let's pray for Mary.

MARY: Lucky for me, at our school, teen pregnancy was

about as common as the flesh-eating virus.

CASSANDRA: [WHISPERING] Mary!

No one really seemed to catch on. Except Cassandra.

TEACHER: Mary?Could I have a bathroom pass, please?

Sure.

TEACHER: "Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,

[DOOR OPENS] "for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.

"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you

"and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me."

[FLUSHING]

Excuse me.

It doesn't bother you to have people smoking around you?

It's so bad for the baby.

I'm not pregnant, okay?

So, what's your plan?

It's too late for the big "A".

You look like a smuggler.

I know somewhere where you could sell it.

I'm not going to sell my...

[SIGHS]

It's Dean's, isn't it?

You can't do this on your own.

Yes, I can.

No, you can't.

[SIGHS]

I thought I was helping him.

I thought it was what Jesus wanted me to do.

[SOBBING] That's pretty stupid, right?

It's not stupid.

Yes, it is.It's not stupid.

If you're interested, I know some people who'd pay a lot of money

to take naked pictures of you in a family way.

Yeah?

How much money?

[THINGS ARE WHAT YOU MAKE OF THEMPLAYING]

You need to get out of here.

Are we cutting?

[DOOR OPENS]

Should you be driving?

What is it with you people?

You don't think I can do anything, do you?

I mean, you don't have your license, do you?

[ENGINE STARTS]No.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Here. Years of shoplifting have taught me how to hide a bundle, okay?

[SIGHS]

Did I ever tell you about the time

that I shoplifted a frozen turkey out of a Piggly Wiggly

wearing only a tube top and some Daisy Dukes?

♪ Things are what you make of them

♪ Things are what you make of them, baby

♪ And you know what I mean

♪ Yeah, you know what I mean

I can't pay for all of this.

Compliments of Hilary Faye.

♪ Things are what you make of them

♪ Things are what you make of them, baby ♪

[ALL LAUGHING]

CASSANDRA: So, Patrick asked you out and you turned him down?

The boy is a tomcat, even if he is a big JC freak.

And, double plus bonus, I'm pretty sure he's not a 'mo.

He's Pastor Skip's son, and I'm about to pop a baby out.

I should tell Patrick to act gay around you.

Maybe then he'd get a little action.

Nice. Very nice.

[ROLAND TAPPING WHEELCHAIR ON GROUND]

Does it ever bother you that he can't walk?He can't walk?

No, I mean, it must be tricky, that's all.

I don't care. He gets me and I get him.

Cool.

Hello, ladies.Hello.

Check this out. I got a candy bar and a whole nickel.

CASSANDRA: Oh, Jesus! Don't look now,

but bitch-face is here with your boyfriend.

Hey, guys. Merry Christmas.

What's wrong with her?

It's nothing.

I just get this really left-out feeling around Christmastime, you know?

Jewish.

Well, if you decided to accept Christ into your heart,

then you and your people could join in on the fun, too.

We should go. Bye, guys.

[SIGHS]

Wait!

What?

You're right.

HILARY FAYE: I am?

I want to join in on the fun.

I don't want a Hanukkah bush this year. I want a Christmas tree.

You're kidding me again, right?

I want to get saved. I want a relationship with Jesus Christ for real.

HILARY FAYE: Are you serious?

Yes.

Okay. This is going to be pretty intense, Patrick.

Gosh, I don't have all of my equipment with me, but...

Okay. Sit down.

First of all, we need to have you confess all of your sins out loud.

Well, there's all the swears.Mmm-hmm.

I mean, I have a pretty god damn dirty mouth.

And then there's the sex. Are we counting oral...Whoa.

So, Christmas shopping with Hilary Faye, eh?

No, no, no, no, no. I just ran into her here.

Honestly.

She's helping me pick out some last-minute gifts.

Hey, look here. Sorry, sorry.

What are you doing, Patrick?

I want to see what's in here. Come on.

No. We're not allowed...We'll just be gone for a second.

MARY: I don't think we should be in here.

PATRICK: Yes, yes, we should definitely be in here.MARY: No.

It's incredible.

I like you, Mary.

I really do.

Why?

You're beautiful.

You speak for yourself.

God gave us all free will,

and that day at Hilary Faye's prayer circle,

you weren't afraid to use it.

You inspired me.

You amaze me, Mary.

[GASPS]

This is a bad idea, I knew it.

PATRICK: No, wait a minute.

You're not my type, Patrick.

Why? Why not?

I'm sorry.

Mary, wait.

Thanks.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

CASSANDRA: I taped a piece of rotten bacon inside Hilary Faye's locker.

MARY: That's disgusting.

She made me listen to the entire Elms CD on her iPod.

I didn't ask you to get saved.

Anyway, it's no big deal.

Last year, I got saved so I could go on a ski trip.

Oh, my God!

Hi, Cass. How do you feel?

I'm a whole new girl, Hay Faye.

I told you! How great is Jesus?

Yeah. About that...

I've decided to devote my life to Satan instead.

Thanks, though.

What?

[SHUDDERS IN ANGER]

Wow! Who beefed?

PRIEST: "She was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit.

"When he had contemplated this, an angel of the Lord

"appeared to him in a dream and said,

"'Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife,

"'because the child conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit.'

"Behold, a virgin shall conceive and bear a son."

MARY: I know this is, like, totally wrong,

but don't you ever wonder if she made the whole thing up?

You have to admit, it's a good one.

It's not like anyone could use virgin birth as an excuse again.

I don't really think she made it up,

but I can understand why a girl would.

Quit being so stingy.

They're my Valentine's Day chocolates.

You bought them for yourself, so it doesn't count.

CASSANDRA: You still have that?

I haven't decided if I want to give it to him yet.

You better decide fast.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Thank you.I made it myself.

[SNIFFS]

It's a dumb idea, anyway.

[WANDERLUSTPLAYING] ♪ You're on my mind today again

♪ Pushing out and pulling in

♪ You know

♪ How easy it is to let it slip away

♪ You let it go too far

PASTOR SKIP: Mary's been going through a lot of changes this year,

and a relationship is the last thing she needs right now.

Yeah, you're the relationship expert.

You and mom don't even talk anymore.

That's because your mom has her missionary position,

and I have my responsibilities running the school, and...

Mom told me everything this summer.

Why didn't you just get divorced when she wanted to?

Because divorce is not part of God's plan.

Dad, you need to think of a new plan.

[APPLAUSE ON TV]

MARY: I thought you were meeting with Pastor Skip.

It got cancelled.

Again? That's, like, three times this week.

Four.

Well, do you want to talk about it?

I think this one's between me and Jesus.

Do you want to talk?

No.

I try to remind myself that when Jesus shuts a door,

He opens a window.

Yeah. So we have something we can jump out of.

[PHONE RINGING]

[RINGING CONTINUES]

[SIGHS]

LILLIAN: Hello?Hey. It's me.

PASTOR SKIP: I'm trying to get the board to okay

this new youth outreach program

so that you can get the kids into church via rock music concerts,

and one of the board members comes up to me and he says,

"I can't tell the difference between Christian rock and secular rock anymore."

[CHUCKLING] And I said, "Dude, exactly."

You get their attention, and then you hit them with the message, and boom!

You've saved another soul.

Skip...What?

I don't care.You don't care?

I've missed you. I've missed our meetings.

I feel good when I'm with you.

I think you feel good, too.

Yeah.

I've missed you, too, yeah.

I wonder why God would give us these feelings of happiness

if what we're doing is wrong.

What are we doing, Lillian?

We haven't done anything to be ashamed of, Skip.

[SIGHS]

Is this how people turn away from Christ's teachings? I mean, I...

All the...

All the Bible study I've done,

all the preaching I've done to the kids,

all the prayers for forgiveness I've prayed...

All I can think about is

kissing you, Lillian.

[STAMMERING] I want to kiss you.

Then kiss me.

MARY: By Easter, it seemed Jesus had answered my mom's prayers.

She was as happy as she was when she first got back from Orlando.

I'm probably gonna be late tonight, because I have a meeting.

I know. You're meeting twice a week now?

Or you can do petrol...

[SUPERSTARPLAYING]

MARY: Pastor Skip suggested Patrick take more interest in school activities.

He said that by focusing his energies on the Lord,

he would have less time to think about dating.

Or, I should say, he'd have less time to think about dating me.

[MOANS]

Now, that's what I call being hung on a cross.

[SHUSHING]

Hi.

[CLEARING THROAT]

Patrick and I and everyone,

were going to grab some food.

If you want to come, that'd be cool.

We're going to DQ.Yeah.

So we can watch Hilary Faye try and get into your Easter basket?

No, thanks.

It's not too late to achieve

a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

Eternal damnation's not fit for anyone. Not even you.

Right? Right?Good one!

I should kick your fat Christian ass right now.

I could get you expelled for that type of language, Edelstein!

Relax.

I'm not even fat, okay?Your head is fat!

And your ass is fat.Cass.

GIRL: It's like she's retarded!

I'm two months away from getting out of here without anyone knowing it.

Just...

It's hard, but cool it, okay?

Next time, the bitch is going down.

I'm sorry.

I want to show you something.

It's a sonogram I took a while ago.

I'm having a little girl.

Sure you're not having a sea monkey?

Yeah.

ROLAND: She's beautiful.

You think it's safe to keep this in your locker?

Yeah. Safer than at home.

ROLAND: Let's go.

I don't really get how someone so pretty can be so ugly.

She wasn't always pretty. My parents didn't want two handicapped kids,

and she was the easy fix.

What do you mean, handicapped?

Before we moved to Cherry Hill,

before the fat camps and tetracycline,

her outside matched her inside.

[GIRLS GIGGLING]

[CASSANDRA IMITATING PIG SNORTS]

MARY: Wow!

Oh, my God.

You just make sure that you put this back.

I'll take care of it tonight.

What are you guys doing with that?Nothing.

Well, well, well, if it isn't the heathens.

Burn in hell, you narrow-minded, tacky-assed bitch.

Oh?

[REWINDING]

Burn in hell, you...

Hilary Faye, you know she doesn't mean it.Yes, I do!

You're gonna be expelled for sure.

Threatening me? Pastor Skip!

Pastor Skip!

MARY: Pastor Skip put us on work detail

for Hilary Faye's prom committee.

HILARY FAYE: You better be wearing underpants this time.

MARY: A particularly cruel punishment.

No. Seriously, move it higher.

Higher!

Oh, you're doing a great job, Cassandra. It's looking really phat!

I'm so glad.

PATRICK: Hey, Mary. Need some help?

MARY: Sure. Thanks.I'll come to you.

So, I was wondering, what are you doing the night of prom?

Why? Are you asking me to prom?Maybe.

Okay.

PATRICK: Okay?

Yeah, okay. I'll go with you. As friends.

Okay. As friends.

I thought you were gonna ask Patrick to the prom.

Tia, would you just shut up?

Do you want to go back to being invisible girl with bad hair?

'Cause that could easily happen.

[WHISTLING]

HILARY FAYE: Don't ask stupid questions.

Did you take care of business?

Where are you going?

You can tacky up prom on your own. I quit.

Oh, my gosh, you can't quit.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]Watch me!

Watch me walking away from Jesus.

What? Yes, this is she. Who is this?

Are you serious?

[LAUGHS]

Thank you so much.

[SCREAMS] Oh, my gosh!

Godflight has agreed to perform at our prom. Can you believe that?

[GIRLS EXCLAIMING]

Prayer works for everything, I told you.

HILARY FAYE: Oh, my gosh!

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Now she's never gonna shut up.

Give her about 10 minutes.

[BELL RINGING]

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

[CHATTERING STOPS]

[GASPS]

Turn them off.

Turn them off now, please! Turn them...

What?

It's not fair.

I am trying to be a good Christian

and a living example of Christ's love.

I have done nothing but bust my buns for those sinners,

and you know that Cassandra and Mary are behind this.

Do you have proof?

I gave you proof before, and you did not do one thing about it.

Hey, those who did this will not escape the eyes of God, Hilary Faye.

[EXCLAIMS]

Please, Lord, don't leave me alone.

They need to know that what they've done is wrong.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Please, Lord, please, just tell me what I need to do.

By the end of the week, we're out of here. She can't do anything.

No, I know.

MARY: Oh, my God.

[STUDENTS MURMURING]

MARY: No way. This is weird.

Oh, my God.

Holy crap!

That's sad.TEACHER: Turn away. Turn away.

Everybody, let's go. Let's get to our classes.

You two are coming with me.What?

Unacceptable. I can't even concentrate today.

[BELL RINGING]

Get to class, please. Come on.

CASSANDRA: What? That's not mine.

Pastor Skip!

PASTOR SKIP: Anything else?

No. Nothing more.

[EXHALES]

What is that?

[EXHALES]

Oh, Mary! Someone get the nurse.

PASTOR SKIP: Just hang on.

[CHUCKLES]

HILARY FAYE: [WHISPERING] I can't believe we were friends with her.

You have everything, Hilary Faye. What are you afraid of?

So, you offered up your virginity to save Dean?

Because Jesus told you to?

Anything else?

Nope.

Could I have a word with you?

What's the matter, Skip?You didn't know she was pregnant?

I thought she was doing a little stress-eating.

I didn't' want her to get a complex.

You are so blinded by this that you can't even see it.

Let me spell it out to you.

God is punishing us for our sin

by getting our attention through Mary.

That doesn't even make sense.

The longer we lived in sin, the worse things got for her.

And what's worse is, we're not spiritually right with the Lord,

and we are not fit to help her.

Dean has been here for almost a year. Okay? They can help her.

I want to think about it.

If you're not gonna send her to get the help she needs, I can't see you anymore.

Cassandra, wait!

He expelled me. Can you believe that?

And the one time I didn't do anything.

Well, I'll go with you.

[GRUNTS]

I can't deal with this right now. I have to go.

Wait!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[IN THE SUNPLAYING]

I don't have a ride.

♪ I picture you in the sun

♪ Wondering what went wrong

♪ And falling down on your knees

♪ Asking for sympathy

♪ And being caught in between

♪ All you wish for and all you seen

♪ And trying to find anything you can feel

♪ That you can believe in

♪ May God's love be with you

♪ Always

♪ May God's love be with you

♪ I know I would apologize

♪ If I could see your eyes

♪ 'Cause when you showed me myself

♪ You know I became someone else

♪ But I was caught in between

♪ All you wish for and all you need

♪ I picture you fast asleep

♪ A nightmare comes

♪ You can't keep awake

♪ May God's love be with you

♪ Always

[BRAKES SCREECHING]

♪ May God's love be with you

Please help me find him.

Hey, you know where a girl can get some smokes?

You never fold things.

Well, I'm folding now.

I'm not going to Mercy House.

We agreed that this is for the best.

We? Who's we?

Pastor Skip said this child needs to be raised by a mother and a father.

I don't even get a say in this?

You're not prepared to raise this child by yourself.

Something like this could ruin the rest of your life.

So, did I ruin yours, Mom?

Don't talk like that.

It looks so perfect. Just like the picture that I brought in.

Thank you.

Crap.

I'm sorry, but it's been declined.

Do you have another card?

Roland. I knew it.

Listen, I'm really sorry I ditched you yesterday.

Look, this year has been great.

Before you, it was all about Hilary Faye dragging my ass around.

And when you left yesterday, I stuck on my own.

And it was okay.

So...

So, I realized that I might just be relying on you,

the same way I was relying on Hilary Faye.No...

I don't want to be the guy who's with the girl because he needs her.

I want to be the guy who's with the girl because he wants her.

And I want you.

I want you, too.

And I thought it was all about the sex.

Oh, well, that, too.

Look, I have this crazy idea about tonight.

[RINGING]

LILLIAN: Mary, Roland's on the phone.

I got it.

What's going on?

Hello. Where you headed?Lombard and Mateo, please.

CASSANDRA: Mary!

You guys look incredible.

You're not really going to prom, are you?

Don't get angry, but I got you a really sexy dress.

Hilary Faye will call the cops if we show up.

No, she won't.

See, I've been snagging all her credit card bills.

So she won't find out about the charges we made, right?

Look at this.

She charged a bunch of spray paint to Home Depot

at 3:00 a.m. on the morning of the attack.

CASSANDRA: Now, we have proof.

We have every right to be at that prom.

Oh, yeah.

We've got another surprise for you.

What... Cass...

[MARY CHUCKLING]

Hi.

Hi.

I got yellow and red, 'cause I didn't know...

But, Patrick...

Mary, it really doesn't matter to me.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

PATRICK: Red, right?

MARY: I can't believe that you guys did all of this for me.

So, you in?

I'm in.

HILARY FAYE: I knew Mary was hiding something.

To imagine her humping that pervert...

It makes me sick to my stomach. TIA: Gross.

HILARY FAYE: And Roland still hasn't turned up.

I can't believe your own brother called you the "C" word.

I can't believe we have to go to the prom in this van.

Yeah, well, get over it, okay?

When I tried to pay for my hair,

my credit card was mysteriously maxed out,

and the limo guy wouldn't take a check. Get off my back.

It's bad enough we don't have dates.

Hey, let me try that tiara on.

Lay off the tiara, Tia!

[SOFTLY] Okay.

VERONICA: Your pimple hardly shows, Hilary Faye.

Come on, Tia, let's get the lead out. We're gonna be late.

Coming!

You look beautiful. You can hardly see that pimple.

Can you stop bringing it up? Thank you.

Let's go. Come on, Tia.

Walk fast! Run!

MAN 1 ON TV: Name the most recognizable figure in the world.

Jesus Christ.

MAN 2: Madonna? MAN 1: Jesus Christ.

MAN 1: Newborns bond with their mothers during the first three what?

Minutes. MAN 1: Darlene?

DARLENE: Months.

MAN 1: The correct answer is minutes.

MAN 1: InThe Wizard of Oz, Dorothy clicks her heels three times and says what?

MAN 1: Charlene...

Mary?

[CROWD SCREAMING]

CASSANDRA: You guys ready?

MARY: Sure.

GIRL: Why are they here?

[WE'LL INHERIT THE EARTHPLAYING]

♪ Skies turn black as my eyes look down

♪ Written on the back are these words I've found

♪ We'll inherit the Earth But we don't want it

♪ Layin' claim at birth What'cha doin' on it?

♪ I've been told that the light shines darkness

♪ It ain't quite the same

♪ If I was off the wall then it's you I bring

♪ Remains ♪ They're all frustration whales

♪ Last bundle of twigs grew strong and young

♪ We can't hold our tongues at the top of our lungs

[SINGER VOCALIZING]

♪ And I'm waitin' for the day to come ♪

Praise Jesus, everybody! Jesus loves you!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Taking a short break, be back in 10!

We will inherit the Earth. Praise Jesus.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

On behalf of the prom committee,

I want to thank each and every one of you

for making our "Light of the World" prom a huge success.

Give yourself a round of applause.

[ALL APPLAUDING]

On a sadder note, I don't want to dampen the evening,

but the students who are responsible for the attacks on our school

have infiltrated our prom.

[CROWD GASPS]

Pastor Skip! Mary and Cassandra have crashed our prom...

Look, maybe we should get out of here, okay?

We're not going anywhere.

Pastor Skip?

Roland, where've you been? I've been worried about you.

You look like you survived.

Excuse me. Finally.

All right, chill out, everybody.

I don't think these students are here to do us any harm.

What? Are you kidding?

No, I'm not kidding.

I think the Christian thing to do would be to let them stay.

"The Christian thing to do"? Mmm-hmm.

I've been doing the Christian thing my entire life.

I did not have sex with a gay and try and blame it on Jesus.

Cool it, Hil.Oh, shut up, you fornicator!

And I did not hack into the school's computer system

and cover our walls with that blasphemous graffiti, either.

You planted that paint on Cassandra and Mary

to get them kicked out of school.

That's such a lie.

This just proves that you stole my credit card to charge the paint

and the clothes from Maternity Girl.

[CROWD MURMURING]

She's right, Roland. Anybody could've made these charges.

CASSANDRA: Oh, yeah?

You swear to God you didn't frame us, Hilary Faye?

No, I will not.

You can't swear, can you?

Go head. Swear it.

Come on, Hil. Swear before God and everyone else.

All right, I swear.

I swear to God, I did not graffiti our school.

Are you guys happy?

Oh, yes, you did, Hilary Faye.

I found this crammed up under her seat.

What?

PASTOR SKIP: It's got your signature, Hilary Faye.

[CROWD MURMURING]

Veronica, let's go.

Let me go!

You are nothing but a big fake.

[PIN CLATTERS ON FLOOR]

I think you should go, Hilary.

Come on. Come on.

Step aside, please.

Hil...Get away from me!

You should go now.

You go! I designed these decorations here, okay?

My father donated the refreshments,

and I got Godflight on stage, okay?

I was just doing this because Jesus told me to. He did!

Get out of my way, all of you! Get out of my way!

[HONKING]

[TIRES SCREECH]

ROLAND: Hilary Faye!

Out of my way, you freaks!Whoa!

Dean.

CASSANDRA: I'll go get Patrick and Mary.

[STAMMERING] What are you doing here?

I'm going to my prom.

What? Did Mercy House let you just borrow the van?

Not exactly. We sort of led a rebellion and swiped it.

You're pregnant?

Look, I really...

I wanted to tell you, but...

Our first time?

Yeah.

That is so awesome.

Yeah?

There's something I want to tell you, too.

He's your life partner, right?

[BOTH CHUCKLE AWKWARDLY]

Prom date.

It's really nice to see you.

Dean, this is Patrick.

Nice to meet you.

Excuse me, Mary.

Listen, son. I suggest you and your friends

get back in the van and head back to Mercy House

as quick as you can before you're all arrested.

We've had enough excitement here for tonight.

We're not leaving.

What you and your friends have done is not cool in the eyes of God.

Jesus, Dad, stop it.

Patrick, this is not a gray area.

Dad, it's all a gray area.

The Bible is black and white!

Stop it! Would you listen to yourself?

Mary? I don't need this from you. Not now.

We've been kicked out of our homes and our schools,

and we're going to be kicked out of Mercy House.

There's nowhere left for us to go.

I'm supposed to be here.

This is my prom. I want to spend it with my friends.

There's no room for moral ambiguity here.

The Bible is very clear about this.

So everything that doesn't fit into

some stupid idea of what you think God wants,

you just try to hide or fix or get rid of?

It's just all too much to live up to.

No one fits in 100 percent of the time.

Not even you.

I know that, Mary.

I know in my heart that Jesus still loves me.

Why would God make us all so different

if he wanted us to be the same?

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Now what?

[ENGINE REVVING]

Save the heathens, Hilary Faye.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Be a warrior, Hilary Faye.

Sacrifice everything, Hilary Faye.

And here's your big, fat, stupid reward!

[CROWD GASPS]

Oh, my God.

I think I'm feeling kind of woozy.What?

Oh, God.Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

PATRICK: Somebody call an ambulance.

That was awesome, Hilary Faye!

[SHRIEKS]

Jesus Christ!

[GASPING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Are you okay?

No, Roland.

I crashed my van into Jesus, okay?

I have a pimple the size of Jupiter. I am not okay!

This is not how I wanted to remember my prom.

This is not how I wanted to remember my life.

Well, maybe we could fix it.

With some glue or something.

I am so sorry, Roland.

I shouldn't have ratted you out in front of everyone.

I would've probably done the same thing.

[SIREN WAILING]

Do you think Jesus still loves me, Roland?

Probably not.

Yeah, sure.

Hey, she's over here!

[EXHALES]

I'm okay.

CASSANDRA: Don't worry, I won't bite.HILARY FAYE: Thank you.

CASSANDRA: It's gonna be okay.

[GRUNTING]

[GROANING]

Whoa! I only got room for one of you.

I'm the father.

I'm the boyfriend.

I'm his boyfriend.

That's nice, but I've still only got room for one of you.

Starting the party without me?

Mom?

You okay?

You didn't ruin my life, Mary.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Breathe, baby. Good girl.Okay.

Just keep breathing. Good girl.

You're gonna be fine.

[FLOWERS IN THE WINDOWPLAYING]

MARY: Okay, I'm pretty sure this isn't what Jesus had in mind

when He said, "Help Dean."

Look, don't be too harsh.

I'm not the first person to ever get the message screwed up.

She's perfect.

MARY: Looking at her, it's like life is too amazing

to be this random and meaningless consequence of the universe.

There had to be a God or something out there.

Something inside. You just have to feel it.

Do you want to hold her?

♪ When I first held you I was cold

♪ A melting snowman I was told

♪ But there was no one there to hold

♪ Before I swore that I would be alone forever more

♪ Wow, look at you now

♪ Flowers in the window

♪ It's such a lovely day

♪ And I'm glad that you feel the same

♪ 'Cause to stand up out in the crowd

♪ You are one in a million

You want to hold her, Dean?

♪ Let's watch the flowers grow

♪ There is no reason to feel bad

♪ But there are many seasons to feel glad, sad, mad

MARY: I mean, really, when you think about it,

what would Jesus do?

I don't know.

But in the meantime, we'll be trying to figure it out.

Together.

♪ Wow, look at you now

♪ Flowers in the window

♪ It's such a lovely day

♪ And I'm glad that you feel the same

♪ Let's watch the flowers grow ♪

[GOD ONLY KNOWSPLAYING]

♪ I may not always love you

♪ But long as there are stars above you

♪ You never need to doubt it

♪ I'll make you so sure about it

♪ God only knows what I'd be without you

♪ If you should ever leave me

♪ Well, life would still go on, believe me

♪ The world could show nothing to me

♪ So what good would living do me

♪ God only knows what I'd be without you

♪ God only knows what I'd be without you

♪ If you should ever leave me

♪ Well, life would still go on, believe me

♪ The world could show nothing to me

♪ So what good would living do me

♪ God only knows what I'd be without you

♪ God only knows what I'd be without you

♪ God only knows what I'd be without you ♪ What I'd be without you

♪ God only knows what I'd be without you ♪ He knows

♪ God only knows what I'd be without you

♪ God only knows what I'd be without you

♪ God only knows what I'd be without you

♪ God only knows what I'd be without you

♪ God only knows what I'd be without you

♪ God only knows what I'd be without you

♪ God only knows what I'd be without you ♪