Original subtitles

# Oh, darlin' #

# I love you in the mornin' #

# I love you in the afternoon... #

Chuck, you know I love you.

Of course, Betty. I love you too.

And I know I've made you wait a long time.

Yeah. A long time.

Well, tonight, that all ends.

What do you mean?

Chuck...

tonight is the night I'm going to give myself to you.

I'm ready to take things to the next level.

Are you sure? We're gonna do it?

All right.

# Whoa, darlin' #

# Whatever I have to do #

# Oh, pretty baby #

# How I'm in love with you #

That was awesome.

Yeah.

But...

now that my virginity is behind us,

I think I'm ready to take things to the next level.

What do you mean? I thought we just did.

Come on, Chuck, don't be coy.

You know what I mean.

Anal.

Seriously?

Yeah. I love you, Chuck, and I know you love me.

And that's why I want you to stick it in my ass.

# Giddy up, horsey #

# Come on, let go #

Yeah...

# Who's riding your pony? #

# Horny pony #

Oh, yeah.

# They've seldom seen of your contemptuous greed #

Wow.

I know.

That fucking ruled!

But...

But what?

Well...

it's just now that the ass sex is in the bag...

I think we're ready to take things to the next level.

What other level is there?

Get an extension cord.

Next level!

Who are they?!

Next level!

Ohh!

Next level!

Next level!

No more levels!

I'll be right back.

Maybe I rushed things.

# Sex me up and I'll sex you down #

# Whatever you want is my command #

# I'm into S and M, I lead the butcher farm #

# And now don't you understand, I'm into any ma'am #

# Sex me up and I'll sex you down #

# I get on the floor, I'll turn around #

# Get on my hands and knees, on your command I'll freeze #

# I hope this never cease, come get me, won't you please #

# But she won't hold me and she won't squeeze me #

# From what she told me, she'd never please me #

# But she won't hold me and she won't squeeze me #

# From what she told me, she'd only tease me #

# She said #

# I said #

# Sex me up and I'll sex you down #

# Sex me up and I'll sex you down #

# Sex me up and I'll sex you down #

Remember, students, it's Sexual Awareness Month.

Gentlemen, pick up your free condoms in the gym,

- and ladies, lubricant is available... - I got laid last night.

- Same chick as the night before? - Are you crazy?

I can't have the same chick comin' around two nights in a row.

That's bordering on a relationship. I like to play the field.

See, this is exactly what I don't understand. How does he do it?

He just goes out and gets it done, man,

that's how he does it.

You can't sit around and wait for Santa to bring you some ass

under the tree.

Dude, how psyched are you for first period?

- Mr. Matthews' sex-ed class. - Man, that dude's a total freak.

I can't wait to go in there and talk about all the ass we've slammed.

It's gonna be awesome, bro.

No doubt, bro.

I can't take this class.

Why not?

Why not? Did you not just hear that conversation?

- "How much ass we've slammed"? - Yeah, bro.

Exactly. The class is just gonna be with a bunch of pervs

who are open about their sex lives, and frankly, I don't have one.

That's sad. You're not bad-lookin'. And your legs work.

I'm not gonna have sex with just anybody,

I know that's what you are thinking right now.

Sorry, not gonna happen.

Doesn't have to be just anybody. Look. Look, look.

How about you start off with a nice little virgin like Betty?

Hey, Betty.

Okay, everyone, bring it on in,

we got a lot to do, and little time to cover it.

I can feel the sexuality brewin' in here already.

- Oh, no. Stacy's in this class? - What do you mean, "Oh, no"?

You've been trying to tap that since fifth grade.

This is an opportunity. You're in a class with her.

Go talk to her!

- What would I say? - Listen, all a girl wants

is for you to be yourself. So do that... be yourself.

Or just shake your dick at her. You know, whatever feels right.

- Hello. - Hello.

Hey, Stacy.

Looks like we're gonna be having sex together.

What?!

Ed. S... class. Sex-ed class together.

I'm sorry, I just... y'know. Whoo!

Bye.

Yeah... talk to ya later.

My name is Mr. Matthews.

First off, there's no teachers in here...

just a bunch of people exploring their sexuality.

Right? So once you enter through that door,

you're comin' through a No Bullshit zone.

That's right... I said "bullshit."

Huh? We're keepin' it real in here, people.

Fart, fuck, shit, cock, ass, cunty cunt!

All rightie.

Now, listen up. Teen sexuality is a living, breathing thing,

and we're gonna explore that concept from every different angle

we can get our greasy little hands on.

And you're gonna share. I'm gonna share right now.

Hell, I've had sex with koi fish.

There, I've said it.

Sometimes you find me naked down at the bottom of a fun-ball pool

at your local fast food restaurant.

True story.

Okay, let's do a little role-playing exercise in here.

I want each and every one of you

to decide that you're gonna have sex with someone

for the very first time.

Okay, partner up, people!

Stacy needs a partner. Seize the day, bro.

Hell, screw the day. Seize the booty.

That's a good union there. I like that. I saw that when I came in.

- Mr. Matthews? - Yes.

I don't think there's any girls left.

Mike, human sexuality isn't always between man and woman.

Stand up, Doug.

Class, I'd like to introduce you to our first gay couple...

Mike and Doug.

Now, just because they'll be experimenting with

man-on-man lovemaking and assorted homobuggery,

don't treat 'em any differently.

Mike, I think you're gonna be on bottom.

Okay.

I'll be the stay-at-home-dad.

What?

Mark.

So, Matt, what advice do you have for young people about sex?

Advice. Uh...

guys, be responsible.

You know, always wear a rubber.

Of course, it feels way better to do it without one.

Unless, of course, it's a Vietnamese hooker,

and then I think you just take your chances.

As long as there's a naked chick somewhere in the room,

you are not gay.

If you have an STD, do not tell your partner.

It is a lose-lose situation.

Fellas, be nice to your partner.

In the morning, if she needs a ride home,

point her to the nearest bus stop before you go back to sleep.

Be a good guy.

Today one out of three young adults

has a sexually transmitted disease.

And letting a former hook-up know that you've got genital cooties

can be pretty hard.

Now there's an easier way!

At STD-E-CARDS, you can share the bad news with one click.

Pick from such messages as,

"You gave me your heart, I gave you gonorrhea,"

or"Thanks for the blowjob... sorry about the herpes."

It's from Kevin!

That hot guy that you hooked up with this weekend?

- Yeah. - What's it say?

"Roses are red, violets are blue,

I gave you syphilis when we screwed at the zoo."

That was easy.

STD-E-CARDS, where bad news travels fast!

Attention, students, prom is fast approaching.

Get your free STD screening in the nurse's office.

- Hi, Carla. - Oh, hey.

Hey, listen, um,

I know it's kind of last minute, but, um,

I wanted to know if you'd maybe want to go to the prom with me tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry, Justin, someone already asked me.

Three weeks ago.

Oh... oh, okay. That's... that's all right.

Well, have fun, though.

Oh, check out your cock!

Oh! Oh, honey!

I've been using these since the Eisenhower Administration.

Can I help you?

Huh?

Uh... uh, no.

Oh, honey...

She's a real beaut, isn't she?

This just isn't right.

I wish we'd met years ago.

My whole high school experience would have been different.

# Every day, the one thing I can count on #

# So much love #

# It's like a river with no end #

# So much love #

# The minute it seems to stop, it starts again #

# So much love #

# You've given me so much love #

# Don't you know you've made my dream come true #

I've always wanted to see the Grand Canyon, too!

# They brought me you, you brought me love #

# Dreams come true every day with you #

# So much love #

Justin, I haven't seen you around much lately.

I've been busy.

Well, prom wasn't the same without you.

- Really? - Yeah.

I was wondering if we could go out sometime.

- Me and you? - Dinner?

Maybe Saturday night?

And just when I thought the night could not get any worse,

he pukes all over my dress.

It was horrible.

I'm sure you still looked beautiful, though.

Thanks, but I didn't.

I had vomit all over me.

You're so amazing. You really are.

What? No, that's ridiculous.

I'm going to play poker with some of the guys.

Don't worry. I'll be back by 10:00. All right?

Hello?

Anyone there?

Look, don't be a pussy, just tell me who it is.

Stop calling me!

Another prank call.

I know what you're up to, and it's gotta stop.

Leave Carla alone!

It's over between me and you.

Get used to it!

Where were you this morning?

I thought you were gonna watch me practice.

Oh. Sorry, I forgot.

Well, you comin' to my game on Friday night?

Actually, I'm going to Len's party with Stacy.

You know what? There's someone else who actually cares about me.

Good-bye, Carla.

Justin, where are you going?

What?

No!

Why?! Why did you do this?!

Someone call 911!

So what's the kinkiest thing you've ever done in bed?

The two of us licked whipped cream off of each other once.

- That was fun. Yeah. - That was pretty kinky.

What about you?

I don't know.

- Uh... - Come on, don't act all shy.

- What if my parents are watching? - Come on.

Does it have to be the kinkiest thing that we've done together?

No, it could have been on your own.

Well...

this one time I had sex with this black guy

while his best friend did me in the ass,

and then I sucked both their dicks at the same time.

That was kinda kinky.

- What? Baby? - That's great.

MR. MATTHEWS. Bring it on in!

We got a lot to do and a little time to do it!

Wanna make sure we can cram it all in.

That's what she said. Ha ha ha! You guys know what I'm talkin' about.

You've gotta sit next to Stacy and be her partner.

Yeah, man, don't be scared. Go ahead.

All right, we're all gettin' in a circle.

This is great.

Okay...

let's talk about penises.

That's right, everyone...

I said the big P-word.

Now, the most common question: What's normal?

Simple answer: There's no such thing.

Penises come in a variety of different shapes and sizes...

Huh? All rightie!

...as you can tell from the molds cast from actual penises we have here.

Got 'em all different from all over the globe.

Now, the next we like to call... the Fireplug.

It's short and stocky, but boy, when you get it excited,

kablooey!

Like a sawed-off shotgun, I tell ya. All right, what do we have next?

This one's called the Tadpole. Why is it called the Tadpole?

Because it's got a larger head tapering down into a smaller shaft.

We like to call this guy the Mushroom Cloud, if you will.

Yeah. I thought you'd like that one.

Now, this is an interesting one.

Looks small, but if you know how to use it,

I tell ya, it's quite a powerful weapon.

It's called the Torpedo. You know what I mean?

Or the Meat Cone.

'Cause it's got a tiny head tapering into a large shaft.

Nice.

Hand that guy around, that's a good one.

We like to call that one the Roto-Rooter.

Next we have what's called... the Superhuge.

- That's right. - Oh, damn!

We also like to call this the Great American Challenge.

Ladies, you're gonna love the cervix stimulation on that guy.

Okay, this next one's interesting, all right? I found this one online.

It's the Doubleheader, ladies and gentlemen.

It is out there, believe me. Hand that around.

Okay, everyone, pass 'em around.

Look 'em up and down.

Now freeze!

Okay. Gentlemen, the penises in your hands,

that is your penis.

Ladies, put your penises down

and partner up with the person closest to you.

Looks like we got a small one, huh?

Yeah.

Okay, now I'm gonna hand out some condoms for each group.

Here ya go, everyone get a condom.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

I'm gonna have you put the condom on the man's penis, together.

Okay, the reason I'm having you put these condoms on together

is because contraception is both partners' responsibility.

Have to say that. Sorry.

Mike, it looks like you got a little room there.

That's because, Mike, you have a very small penis.

Okay, everyone, let's talk about fetishes.

Now, a fetish is basically an obsession with leather...

black leather... and bits, mouth bits.

Who likes a ball in their mouth? Anyone?

Oh, baby, you look so good.

- You wanna do it now, baby? - Hell, yeah, I do.

Okay.

No, wait. You know what would be even hotter?

What?

This.

You want me to wear a hat?

Oh, yeah, baby, that shit is so hot.

- Okay. - Yeah. Yeah.

Wait. Uh, you know what else would be so smokin' hot?

What?

This big mole.

What?! Ew!

It's hot. Trust me.

For me?

Fine.

- Now can we do it? - Yeah.

Ronny... what the hell?!

- What? - I didn't want to say this,

but you clearly want to have sex with Abraham Lincoln!

That's crazy!

Is it? Look around you, Ronny.

- You're obsessed with him. - He was a great man.

What's wrong with paying tribute?

Paying tribute is one thing...

trying to turn your girlfriend into him so you can get a hard-on is another.

I'm outta here. Call me when you get some therapy.

Sue...

That was my last beard.

Can the transporter be fixed?

Or is all hopeless for our heroines?

Will Alice and Betty make it home?

Find out next on Babes Lost in Time!

Time.

Forward... into the past!

Here I come, Abe!

Ladies, you do not...

I repeat, you do not have to have sex with a guy for him to like you.

But it helps.

Want to remain a virgin until you're married?

Two words: butt sex.

Look, if you like to be choked, it's okay. Everyone likes it... a little.

Just don't go too far.

Blue is a warning sign.

So, what's the kinkiest thing either one you has ever done in bed?

- Well, um, check it: - Whoo!

I'm at the club one night, and I meet this little white chick, right?

So next you know I get in her ear, man,

and she lets me take her back to my spot,

and she did me and him at the same time.

- And then she blew us. - You're kidding.

Whoo, man! That girl was off the chain, man!

Hey, you know, uh, shit, what can I say?

That little woman had a big ol' twelve-pound pussy, man!

- Where'd she get that? - There was a lot of acrobatics

in that motherfucker, you know what I'm sayin'?

She was small, but she did a lot of big things, baby.

- Hey, Kim, holler at your boy! - Whoo!

The women spend most of their time stretching their breasts,

- adding a new ring each year. - Yeah. Ooh.

They probably like it when they stretch 'em.

Yeah.

I know they do.

Holy crap!

It's Saturday night and you guys are getting stiffies watching PBS?

- You're pathetic. - Get out of my room, RJ!

You never knock!

Stupid.

He's right, you know.

- I mean, this is pathetic. - What else are we gonna do?

It's not like we can actually get laid. Let's just watch this.

Unless we come up with a way

to build an artificial woman from your computer.

And then program her to have sex with us.

You're a genius!

This is stupid, Barry.

Shut up.

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Relax! We're gonna give her Halle Berry's face,

- and Beyonce's ass... - All right.

- Tyra's boobs... - Bam!

Tyra's probably got bigger nipples than that.

Now all that's left to do is make sure she's horny.

Like really, really horny, though.

See this pair of panties, right?

Where'd you get those from? They're lacy.

All right. Are you ready to lose your virginity?

- I'm ready. - Say good-bye.

Ow! I told you that was stupid, Barry.

Be quiet, Leon. I'm thinking.

Oh, shit!

So, who gonna fuck me first?!

Him! Him!

What the hell just happened?!

The panties, they was my aunt's. I knew it. It was my aunt's panties.

What you waitin' for? My pussy ain't gonna eat itself out.

What? What you say?

Who would say that?

Where you goin'? Where you goin'?

Leon!

Leon!

Well...

I guess that means you first.

No. It don't... it don't have to mean that.

Come give mama a taste of that sweet chocolate.

What you talkin' about? Chocolate ain't sweet!

I'm your human sex toy, and I don't come with no Off button!

You don't even have to wear no jimmy hat!

Save your energy! I plan on cumming a lot tonight!

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

You're too big for me!

Your ball sack is about to get drained!

Let me go! Please, Jesus!

You were good.

I don't want no more. I don't... I don't want no more.

No! I don't want it!

You broke my bed.

She's so big. Why is she so big?

I musta... I probably hit F1 instead of Enter. I don't know.

Here I come!

And this time your ass cherry is mine!

No, it's not! No, it's not!

It's my ass cherry! It's not yours!

Barry? Leon?

"Press Enter now"?

# Yeah #

# You're lookin' good, baby #

Whoa!

You're cute. How old are you?

Old enough.

# Ooh-whoo! Yeah, yeah #

# Here we go #

I know you're probably too young to be thinking about marriage,

but take it from me,

if you find somebody that you want to spend the rest of your life with,

there's nothing better.

Thanks, sweetie.

But before you get married,

make sure you explore all your options, guys,

and bone as many chicks as you can.

Well, ladies, be sure you take the long way through Dicktown, too.

I banged at least fifty guys

before I met this asshole sitting next to me here.

And a group of girls, too.

It was no accident that I invited the electrician and the plumber

on the same day.

- Ohh. - Whoo-whoo! Real hot!

Guys, listen up.

If you're planning on having a threesome,

you better to do it before you get married.

But trust me, there's no better sensation...

than two women making out while riding your johnson.

I almost forgot.

Book yourself a ticket to...

Try sleeping with your fianc�'s best man...

and his brother...

at the wedding reception.

Very hot.

Great.

Ohh...

Ohh...

Ooh, that's nice.

Oh, why didn't I think of this before?

Oh, shit.

Ohh! Ohh!

Damn it, damn it, damn it!

Honey, dinner's ready.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, this is bad.

Can you pass the mashed potatoes, please?

- Certainly. - Thank you.

Mm. Everything is delicious, dear.

Did you pick up your condoms for the prom?

Yeah, they gave them out for free at school today.

They did? - Yeah. Thanks, though.

Honey, is your vagina ringing?

Dad! That's ridiculous.

Sounded like it.

Okay, I think we've learned a lot here. Class dismissed.

I'll see ya all tomorrow.

Now, remember your permission slips for the field trip.

Now, these permission slips are no joke, people, okay?

Now if you can't find your parents,

they're in their bedroom, doing it.

- He'd probably use the toys. - Totally.

Hey, Stace. Jess.

- Hey. - Hi.

Uh, so listen, Stace, um...

Mike, can I talk to you for a second?

- Later? - Yes.

- Awesome. - Okay.

So, Mike,

how are things going with you and Stacy?

Oh, uh, great.

You know, we're really good friends. We...

Hey, hey! Don't bullshit a bullshitter, bro.

I know you're into Stacy. You wanna... rap about it?

Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I like Stacy.

- Hmm. Hmm. - A lot.

What do I do? How do I... tell her how I feel?

That's a good question.

You don't.

I don't?

No, you don't.

You see, Mike, a girl like Stacy is, ooh, way out of your league.

Way.

What? What do you mean?

I thought you were all about breaking the rules

and there are no rules and we're all equal.

I am. Just not when it comes to you and Stacy.

You see, Mike, a girl like Stacy, to get her,

boy, you'd need like a truckload of cough syrup

and a vat of malt liquor.

Really mellow her out, you know what I mean?

But not knock her out. That's a whole different class altogether.

- What? - Mike...

you need to go after something more attainable.

You need to find somebody who's a lot less...

pretty-er.

You might have to go up a few weight classes...

a little more than you're comfortable with, probably...

buck-fifty, two bills... I'm not sure.

Somebody who hasn't seen the light of day in quite a long time.

Acne scars, fangs for teeth, bad hygiene,

- retarded, if you will. - What?!

Hey, sometimes keepin' it real hurts, little bro.

But in the end, we're all stronger people.

Now go out there and get an ugly chick.

Or a whore. Good luck.

Good talk.

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Come on, guys.

Flaccitra.

Mmm, this is nice, baby.

Lindsey, relax. Everybody farts.

This is huge.

We've crossed the Fart Barrier.

Really?

Ahh...

See? It's nothin'!

I do feel comfortable with you.

Damn!

Now, that's just nasty.

Oh, my God! Oh, yes!

Hey, man, she was riding you like a pogo stick! Up and down!

Hold on, hold on. It gets better.

- Wait for it... - I'm gonna cum!

Now.

Oh, my God!

Whoo...

Let me introduce you to The Screamer.

Griffin, this chick is amazing.

Which is why I invited her over here today.

Yes, sir.

And we're gonna be right here to make sure you go through with it.

Got your little sister's baby monitor hooked up in your room.

And we're gonna have the other end right here so we can listen in.

No. Not happening, guys.

- Not happening? - No.

- Yes. Yes. - No. No.

Well, that's what you think.

- Oh. Too late. - Oh, I love it!

Go ahead.

- Hi, I'm... I'm Mike. - Where's your room?

# Oh, my God #

# Oh, shit #

# Oh, my God #

# I can't believe this #

Come here.

# Oh, shit #

Whoa, you're taking your shirt off immediately like that,

it's kinda tough for me to say no.

You hear that, man? The shirt just came off!

- It's on! - Oh, it is on, all right.

Put it in me.

Why... why don't I just grab some ear plugs real quick?

# Oh, my God, what should I do? #

Oh, hell no, man, is it broke?

What are you waiting for?

I'm sorry. I...

I can't do this.

What?

There's this girl in my high school, and I... I really like her.

Great. I didn't have a back-up plan.

Now I've gotta go fuck a trucker or a cab driver or...

a homeless guy.

Do you possibly think that maybe you could go through the back door?

Just so you know... you're givin' up a sure thing.

Your friend said that you were desperate for it.

Last chance.

Man, all the settin' up we did, he better not be pussin' out.

He's definitely pussing out.

Let's go see what's going on with the dumb-ass.

You like that, don't you?

Ha ha! We back in action! - Oh, Mike!

Yeah, Mike! Whoo-hoo!

Man, you hear that?

Yeah!

Ride it! Ride it!

My boy's goin' strong to the hole, I'm tellin' ya!

- She's going nuts! - She wasn't that crazy with me.

Ahem.

Hi. Have you guys seen my purse?

Oh, Mike! You're so big!

Ahh! Ahh! Oh, Mike, I've never been fucked so good!

Cover your ears! I'm about to cum!

I'm cumming! I'm cumming!

Aaah! Aaah! Aaah! Aaah!

Oh! Oh! You're such a beast!

I'm your big daddy.

Mike, I'm... cover your ears!

Shh! Shh! Oh! Oh!

All right, home stretch.

Oh, like that! Oh, like that! Oh, like that!

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

I'm in love, Mike. I love you.

I love you, Mike.

# Let them know you worked it, dust it off and jerk it... #

So... was it as good for you guys as it was for me?

You know, I would tell you to go fuck yourself,

but it sounds like you just did.

Now, Suzy, I don't know how to tell you this,

so I'm just gonna come right out and say it.

Say it.

I've been sleeping with your mom.

- Hank, come on. - What?

You know I made an abstinence pledge.

I promised myself I'd wait until I was sure

it was with the right guy.

I thought I was the right guy.

You might be.

I'm just not sure yet.

But I like you a lot.

Hi, sexually frustrated teenager!

I'm Blue Bally!

And if you and your girlfriend don't have sex soon,

you're gonna wind up with a serious case of blueballs!

That's right! Your nuts are gonna turn blue.

Aw, don't be afraid. I'm here to help.

You've been stiff as a board for the last two hours.

That means you're reaching a critical moment

where that good tingly feeling down there

can quickly turn into an achy not-so-good feeling!

Wh... what do you mean?

See, Hank, right now your testicles are filled with semen,

and only a little bit's dripping out.

That's called pre-cum.

What you want to do is ejaculate.

Otherwise, that back up of jizz will cause pressure in your nut sack

to the point of making you nauseous.

In fact, your genitals can increase in size 25 to 50%. That's huge!

- So, what do I do? - From where I'm sittin',

even if your girlfriend won't have intercourse with you,

the least you should be able to do is to score a handjob.

Judy?

I... I want you to know that I really do care about you.

And I've known that since the first time I saw you in Bible Study class.

Uh-huh...

uh-huh...

uh-huh...

- Uh-oh. That's not good. - What do you mean?

With that kind of arousal, it's only a matter of seconds

before full-on irreversible blue balls!

You better go to the bathroom and jerk off, right now.

- Here? - Yes! Go!

There's no time to waste!

Go! Get going! It's a medical emergency!

Oh, yeah, you won't see this on children's television!

Blue Bally!

Hope you like sloppy seconds! Hah!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Man, I'm never gonna get laid. I'm such a loser.

No, you're not. I met a girl in a chat room.

- Did you? - Yeah.

I met in her in Teenlonelyboys.

'Cause I figure I'm a teen and I'm lonely.

Anyways, it's crazy,

there's not a lot of girls in that chat room.

It's mostly older guys interested in photography.

That's kind of creepy.

It is at first, but, you know,

once I made it clear that I was a teen boy

in the market for a teen girl,

ladies were just coming out of the woodwork.

And now I have a girlfriend. Her name is Randy.

Isn't that a guy's name?

It's both. I...

I mean, she says she gets that all the time.

- She send you a picture? - No. Uh... but I sent her tons of mine.

Most of them are naked. It's awesome.

Well, maybe I'll give it a try.

And maybe if you're lucky someday, you'll have a Randy, just like me.

"SweeetyPi."

Accept.

Hi.

Hi.

Sex chat?

Sure.

Okay. I'm dressed in a tight mini-dress walking down a dark alley.

I'm completely alone and vulnerable.

Then you appear out of the shadows.

You wear all black, with a ski mask over your head.

You approach me menacingly and say?

Hey, what's up.

Was that wrong?

Menacing.

Okay.

What are you doing in my alley?

Oh, no. You stay away from me.

I'm lost, alone, and half-naked.

But I have Mace. Don't try and take advantage of me.

Okay, sorry, no problem. Do you need cab money?

Be aggressive. I want it.

Oh. Weird.

I'm afraid I don't care about Mace. Prepare to be attacked.

Sexually.

That was amazing. We should meet.

Come to 429 Covington Avenue, apartment 8,

tomorrow night at 10:00.

Wear a mask. Take me against my will.

Don't break character.

- Oh, hello, dear. - Oh, hey, Jane.

Doing anything special tonight?

Nope, just baking cookies for my niece.

Oh.

Just a second!

Did somebody order the rape?

Aaaah!

Whoo! Oooh!

So far so good.

Uh, you can run but you can't hide

from forced sexual intercourse,

you know what I mean... ma'am?

Get out!

God, be careful! You're gonna hurt me!

I mean, you won't be so feisty when I'm violating you.

Sexually.

I'm bleeding!

That won't stop me!

No, you don't.

Oh.

I'm sorry, I'll pay for this.

You stay back. I'm warning you!

Uh, I'm scared, yeah, yeah. I'm scared and...

Oh, my God!

What is it?! What is it?!

Oh, God! Oh, it's burning!

Aaaah!

Did somebody order the rape?

Fred.

Oh. Hey, Betty.

- Hey. - How's it goin'?

What's wrong?

Oh, it's just been kind of a crazy week.

It's a long story, though.

You know, Fred, I've been thinking...

we've been friends for a really long time.

Yeah. Yeah, we have.

Maybe it's time we take things to the next level.

Next... level?

Wow.

Next level!

Hey, baby, this is for you.

I love you. You're the only one for me.

I hope you enjoy.

Kat, can I borrow a squirt of your herpes cream?

Uh, yeah, sure. I'll bring it over in a minute.

Ohh! Ow!

I'm not in. Leave a message.

Hey, girl, it's Billy Sharpe from the basketball team.

Thanks for rockin' my world. Talk about takin' it to the hole... damn!

Sorry about that.

Oh, shoot! Aaaah!

Nice titties!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

# Put the south in your mouth, pretty baby #

# Put the south in your mouth, pretty baby #

# Let me slop my biscuit in your gravy #

I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it.

I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there.

# Put the south in your mouth, pretty baby #

I wanna kiss your mouth.

Mm, tastes like blueberry.

So good...

Oh, God.

Mmm...

Hi.

Hi.

You look like you just saw a ghost.

Um...

I had a... a really bad dream.

Oh, sweetie.

It's okay.

Come here.

I had an amazing time last night.

Oh... I'm sorry.

Do you have a toilet?

Oh. Yeah, it's right over there.

Ohh.

Mmm... long night.

- Hello. - Aaah!

Who the hell are you?

Why don't you ask your dick?

What is going on here?

- Relax, Len. - How do you know my name?

Uh, I usually like to know the name of the guy

who's fucking my mouth.

Nobody fucked anybody's mouth last night!

Fine. Nobody fucked my mouth last night.

And I guess...

nobody was three knuckles deep in my sphincter, either.

Jesus Christ, what were you doing,

reaching for, like, a winning lottery ticket or something?

I could feel you in my small intestines.

Oh, look what the cat dragged in.

- Do you have any matches? - Such diarrhea. Ugh.

I'll air that out. All right?

What I need right now is for you to leave my house.

My parents are coming home this afternoon

and I need to start cleaning up.

Sorry. Dick hair.

Those weren't your parents we met last night?

My parents are in Cancun.

Yeah. Yeah. Right.

If you say your parents aren't here,

then we'll just believe that your parents weren't here.

Maybe it was your aunt and uncle.

I don't care. I came here to fuck

and get fucked.

And you know, I got fucked last night. Fucked good.

Okay. Very funny.

The, uh, the joke's over.

This has been a delightful little prank that you guys have played on me,

but now it's time for you to respect my wishes

and please get the hell out of my house!

Yeah.

You're right. The whole thing was a prank.

After we invited you for a threesome,

I got blueberry yogurt and I smeared it all over my face and your balls

to make it look like you fucked my mouth.

And then I dig my fingers in my asshole

and put some of my butt stink on your hands.

And then I put some moisturizer up on the ceiling

to make it look like you shoot a load up there.

Pooh! Yeah! All a joke.

Please just get the hell out.

- Fine. - Whatever.

Please, just... just leave.

Ooh. So kind.

If you say your parents aren't here,

then we'll just believe that your parents aren't here.

Maybe it was your aunt and uncle. Mm-hmm.

Oh... thank God.

Oh, please, God, don't let them be home.

I swear I'll never drink again just... just don't let them be here.

Hello.

So, you guys are home early.

Did you... just get in?

How was your second honeymoon?

Oh! No!

Get the hell out of our sight.

Okay.

How could you?!

How could you?! How could you?!

Ohh!

Len, can we talk?

Um, just a minute.

What, you been doing a little spackling work on the ceiling?

Oh, God, Dad, no. This... it's not...

Your mother and I are disgusted with you, Len.

Well, uh...

Look at her.

- You don't understand. - Son,

I have one question for you, and I'm only gonna ask it once.

Have you been sneaking behind our backs

and being on a hidden camera show?

- What? - Look over there.

No. No, no, no, no, no! You didn't!

They were in there the whole time?

Gotcha!

No!

Hey, buddy!

Fuck anybody in their mouth lately?

Look at his face!

How could you do this to me?

Wait. Who am I?

We roofied you, honey.

Wait, wait, wait... so I didn't fuck you

and you didn't fuck me?

Well, I fucked you a little, but it wasn't all faggy.

Mr. Tight Sphincter... ha ha ha ha!

Mark.

Fellas, personal advice from me to you:

Get in there and shave that shit up.

Visually, it will give yourself an extra two or three inches.

If you're having anal intercourse,

whatever you do,

pull out and deposit your sperm on her back.

She'll appreciate it in the long run.

Alcohol and sex don't mix.

Cocaine and sex...

If you don't have a rubber, don't panic, whatever you do.

Watch this. Ready?

"Hold on a sec, babe. Lemme grab my jimmy hat."

And then pantomime...

"Oh! It's so small! The rubber."

And then... you lock and load.

She'll never know.

- Damn! - Oh, my God!

Ohh, what died?

Girl, you gotta stop being so comfortable!

- Hey, pretty sweet field trip, huh? - Yeah, it was cool.

So, Stacy, I wanted to ask you something.

Hey, man, I'm gonna catch you inside, all right?

- Uh... - So what'd you want to tell me?

You know what, it can wait.

Hey, man, fake any orgasms lately?

- Fuck off. - What?

Ew.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Why is that guy so tall?

Great. Yeah, I should be okay.

I'll just go try to clean up before we eat.

- Uh, see you inside? - Okay.

Sorry!

Guys.

Can someone help me get off the bus?

Hello?

- Hello? - Ah, there you are.

Everybody's waiting for you. Come on.

Oh, yeah.

- Oh, yeah... - Oh...

Licking, licking...

- Oh! Oh! - Suck, suck, suck!

Oh, yeah!

# Keep 'em shakin'... #

# Show 'em to me #

# Tits #

Ohh, yeah!

That's it, Nance.

Cut! Great job, girls.

Nancy, nice licking.

Very good sucking, too.

- Okay, he's here. - It's about time.

Listen, I know it's your first day,

but we got some stuff to shoot, all right?

- Uh... wha... - Now, listen.

The way I view this film,

it's a spiritual successor to Rebel Without A Cause...

only with a lot more fucking. Ha ha!

Uh, right. Um, you guys, I think there's been a small...

I'm really looking forward to working with you.

Jackie and I are especially curious how you got the name Gigundocock.

Oh, I can't wait to wrap my hands around

the biggest penis in the biz.

"Penis"? I haven't heard that word for a long time.

- I usually just call it "dinner." - Mmm.

Okay, everybody on set!

I told you they wouldn't have any beer.

Oh, man, how was I supposed to know?

- Oh, man! Sweet car! - Here's the scene:

You've just helped these girls fix their car.

And so to repay you, you get to bang 'em.

Now, Nancy right here, she's gonna start by blowing you.

Then you're gonna do some back-door stuff with Jackie.

Bro, check this out.

After that, just feel free to improvise.

All right.

Hey, you gonna need a fluffer?

Uh... uh...

All rightie...

let's see that gigundocock.

And... action!

Thank you so much for fixing our car.

How can we ever repay you?

What?

- Cut! - Hey, sorry I'm late.

I'm Gigundocock.

Damn.

# Yeah, I'm not Gigundocock #

# I'm just a small-town hick #

# An 18-year-old virgin #

# With a super-tiny dick #

# Kid, I've seen this once before #

# A boy who wished he was Ang Lee #

# Found he couldn't frame a shot #

# That's right, that little boy was me #

# It wasn't my first choice #

# My parents think I'm in college #

# I thought I'd be doing theater #

# On Broadway #

# We're just accidentally #

# Incidentally, unintentionally making porn #

# Accidentally, incidentally, unintentionally #

# Making porn #

# Not me, I do it 'cause I fuckin' like it #

# Girl-on-girl pays fifty bucks #

# I get double for back-door fucks #

# How I got here I'll never know #

# Beats Mexico and that donkey show #

# All these tits got me in the mood #

# We're the ones who should be getting screwed #

# Let us be your man-whores #

# Will someone show these assholes the door? #

# I found my home here #

# On this porn set #

# Better hurry up or I won't stay wet #

Fuck yeah!

Wow. Thanks for being so cool about everything.

I feel like I should tell you, though,

I don't really think this is the life for me.

You've got balls, kid...

very large balls.

You show that kind of confidence in real life,

you're gonna be fine, just fine.

All right, let's reset.

Back to one.

Dude, what happened in there after we left?

Yo, bro, do you know those chicks?

Yeah, Mike! That's what I'm talkin' about!

Dude, yes!

Whoa.

Look, Stacy...

I'm not sexually experienced,

and I'm not some famous porn star named Gigundocock.

Look, I'm just some regular kid who just wants to ask out a very...

very beautiful girl.

Don't call past 10:00.

My dad'll kill me.

Screw her for me, dude! Yes!

Fellas, you gotta be respectful of your ladies.

Whatever you do, don't go around your boys telling them

all the gruesome details.

But me, on the other hand, I'm married with two kids,

I like all dirty stuff.

This website will go directly to me, and only me.

Send me all pictures, streaming videos, letters...

as bizarre as you want.

I'll read them all, and masturbate all night.

Thank you. I'm Matthew Lillard.

# She's got that kind of booty #

# Little mama, come here and do me #

# She's got that kind of booty #

# The type that'll drive you looney #

# She's got that kind of booty, pack it up and bring it to me #

# Smack it up, let's make a movie, she's got that kind of booty #

# Shake that booty, cutie, up and down and all around #

# That big ol' juicy brown ass, Shorty, go to town #

# Kick it smooth like Luther Vandy, so good, like chewing candy #

# In the middle of M-I-ami, come and sit down on my jammy #

# We can do it in a big ol' bed #

# Long as you give me good ol' head #

# Yeah, girl, that's what I said, no, girl, you don't get no bread #

# She's got that kind of booty #

# Little mama, come here and do me #

# She's got that kind of booty, the type that'll drive you looney #

# She's got that kind of booty #

# Pack it up and bring it to me #

# Smack it up, let's make a movie #

# She's got that kind of booty #

# Shorty got that fat ass #

# Gets 'em harder than a math class #

# Smilin', don't you act up, just stop and back up #

# Go ahead and drop that ass low, be easy movin' that slow #

# Nobody has to know, we in the corner, though #

# You sippin' champagne, I'm drinking cognac #

# You do that damn thing, I get to bone that #

# She's got that kind of booty #

# Little mama, come here and do me #

# She's got that kind of booty #

# The type that'll drive you looney #

# She's got that kind of booty #

# Pack it up and bring it to me #

# Smack it up, let's make a movie #

# She's got that kind of booty #

# Shake that booty, sh-sh-shake, shake, shake #

# Shake that booty, sh-sh-shake, shake, shake #

# Up and down the stripper pole, got that body all swole #

# You know my package, right? You can stay the whole night #

# Lady, what you gotta do is keep me in the back of you #

# Nobody move you like I do, they call me Mr. Mac-a-do #

# They counted Tallahassee classic got 'em on my caddy #

# Girlie, let me be your daddy and we can both be happy #

# She's got that kind of booty #

# Little mama, come here and do me #

# She's got that kind of booty #

# The type that'll drive you looney #

# She's got that kind of booty #

# Pack it up and bring it to me #

# Smack it up, let's make a movie #

# She's got that kind of booty #

# My darling, the stars, they shine for you #

# My darling, the birds twitter for you #

# My darling, my heart skips a beat #

# Whenever I think of you #

# And under this moonlit sky #

# I pray and dream that I will be the one, will be the one #

# That you'll #

# Bend over and bang good and hard #

# From behind #

# Have me on all fours, howling at the sky #

# I'll give your cock a good long suck #

# Then you'll give me a good hard fuck #

# Squeeze my tits, all big and bouncy #

# Then spunk all over my body #

# I want to be your buttt-hot greasy slut #

# Greasy slut #

# Beggin' for more, for I can't get enough #

# Can't get enough #

# When I leave your tool #

# Used up, worn, and soggy #

# I won't stop then #

# Oh, no, no, no #

# I'll become your little leg-humping doggie #

# Let me be your dirty, fuckin' whore #

Subtitles by LeapinLar