Original subtitles

WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

1 Thanks for giving up your weekend to straighten out the books.

It's big of you to step up like that.

Yeah, sure.

By the way, I am...

I am getting paid overtime for this, right?

Oh, Sid, you always know how to put a smile on my face.

No, I'm being serious.

Otherwise, this would be a major labor violation.

Oh, Sid, you're too much!

My sides are hurting from laughing too hard.

Hm?

Oh, sorry about that. I've got my son for the week.

I didn't even know you had a son.

Yeah. Timmy!

What?

Ow! Quit hitting myself!

Ow! I'm not hitting myself. I am.

Oh, so Timmy is, um, how do I say this?

A radioactive freak? Yes.

He's from my first marriage.

You could say it was a "toxic" relationship.

But seriously, it was an abusive dynamic.

The psychic wounds from which I'm still recovering.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Now, Timmy, Sid and I are working.

Your pops happens to be a pretty important business man.

Well, I think you're a phony, and I hate you.

Yeah! Suck deez nuts, old man!

It's just a game we play.

No, I will not "suck deez nuts", son.

We have fun.

Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.MY-SUBS.com

Good morning, Mr. Rubinstein.

The wreckage from this week's death race has come in.

Do you want me to start off by washing off the brains

or picking out the little bits of bones from underneath the seats?

Either is fine.

What's wrong?

I'm worried about Timmy.

It's his Grouping Ceremony next week.

When you get placed in one of the five groups...

Strong, Heroic, Kind, Wise, or Malicious.

Wait, those are the only five groups a person can be in?

What if you're something else, like funny or well-organized?

Nope, just the five.

I'm sorry, did you say one of the groups was called Malicious?

Like evil?

That seems like something you wouldn't want to actively encourage.

Enough with the questions.

You probably don't get it

because you're an animal-person from the Wasteland.

Oh, yeah, good point.

I always dreamed that Timmy would get into Strong, like his old man.

You wouldn't know it now, but, uh,

I was quite the beefcake in my day.

Wow. That is a disturbing image.

Oh, I was ripping phone books in half,

grabbing nerds by the ankle,

and swinging them into outer space.

I don't know if Timmy has the right stuff.

Well, hope it all works out for the best.

Um, have you seen my junkyard keys?

Ah, there they are.

Say, you're a strong guy.

Think you could tutor Timmy?

Maybe give him a pointer or two?

I mean, suppose I could, but, I mean,

this work is gonna take me all day.

No, that's fine. You can just get them both done

in the same amount of time.

Yeah, great. Why didn't I think of that?

Yeah.

♪ You're not a dog, you're a man ♪

♪ You've been brainwashed by your captors ♪

♪ You should kill them and return to your old life ♪

Man, where have I heard that song before?

It's been stuck in my head for years.

Oh, hi.

I need coffee.

Oh.

Oh.

Looks like someone had a big night.

Tai and I went to one of those heavy metal concerts

in the middle of the Wasteland.

I think at one point, I may have gotten up on stage

and battled a flame-throwing guitarist?

Am I, like, melted anywhere?

Well, not to brag,

but Sid and I had a pretty wild night ourselves.

We cooked a sensible dinner,

than played some cards by the fire.

But let's just say we didn't get much playing done,

because we were asleep by 9:00, baby!

Ugh. That is so lame.

If you ever see me staying in on a weekend,

do me a favor and kill me.

- Aah! - What?

- Wait, what's wrong? - [ Groans ] I don't know.

Ah, it feels like my skull is being ripped apart!

Go get help, boy!

Yeah, no, I'm... I'm on it.

I just need... need to finish my breakfast first.

Ooh.

Oh, man, that's good.

"In the Wasteland, you happen upon a gang of marauders

robbing an innocent man.

Do you... A... risk life and limb to save the innocent man?

B... befriend the marauders?

C... bash the marauders with your huge muscles?

Or... D... kill everyone, innocent man included,

and dance in their blood?"

Jesus.

Well, I guess we know which one Malicious is.

This is a waste of time.

I'm never getting into Strong.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Don't say that, even if that instinct is likely correct.

Let's just... We'll tally up your score, and we'll see where we are.

Oh, my God.

Timmy is heroic.

He chose the Heroic response to every single question.

My son is Heroic?

That's terrible news!

What? That's not the reaction I was expecting.

Well, what's he gonna do as a hero?

Help a little old lady across the street?

Stop a terrorist attack? Where's the money in that?

Uh, okay, I mean, if you're looking at it

from a strictly money-making angle...

No, it has to be Strong.

It was best for me, and it's best for Timmy.

Look, I hear you, but what do you want to do?

I mean, Timmy just doesn't have the qualifications.

Maybe not in the traditional sense,

but old Morris has his ways.

You mean cheating?

Bingo, baby.

Oh, that's the stuff, baby!

Ooh! Who's my next victim...

I mean, patient, patient.

- Hi. - Hi.

Thanks for seeing me on such short notice,

Dr. Crazybrainz.

I heard you were the best doctor in Boomtown.

Actually, I'm the only doctor in Boomtown.

Because all the other doctors were my patients.

I can't tell if you're kidding or not.

Let's take a little looksy-loo

under the hoodsy-hoo, shall we?

- Ow. - Instruments, instruments.

Whoo! All right, cranial sac looks healthy.

And a nice squishy spleen.

What do you think it could be, doc?

Some kind of deadly super-virus?

Highly advanced nanobots?

God, I hope it's not a zombie infection.

I'm too young to eat brains!

You have a hangover.

What? That's it?

Yeah, just a regular, run-of-the-mill hangover.

You probably hit it a little hard last night, right?

No, no, no, no, no.

That can't be right. I do not get hangovers.

Well, at your age, it's pretty normal to start getting them.

I recommend eight hours of sleep and plenty of liquids.

And that'll cure me?

No, you'll be some combination of tired

and sore for the rest of your life.

This will make you feel slightly less bad.

Sorry, one second.

I'll leave you to it.

- Hey, Tai. - Hey!

Last night was epic, huh?

Oh, I went home with this super hot droid,

but then this morning I woke up and realized

he was just a normal trash can.

The sex was still amazing, though.

So what are you doing tonight?

Tonight?

I don't know. I was, um...

I was thinking maybe I would just take a night off.

No, no, no! You can't tonight.

The Sunpiercer's in town.

It's that high-speed bullet train carrying

an entire society on an endless loop around the Earth.

It is supposed to be lit!

Damn, that sounds really fun.

You know what? Screw it.

I'm in.

Wait, you can't leave now. You need to rest.

Thanks for the advice, doc, but you forgot

one thing about... I'm not a freakin' loser.

Later, Doctor Dork.

Ow.

Hey!

What?

Why doesn't anyone ever listen to me?

Oh, well, time to drill a hole in my brain.

Excuse me? We're look for The Administrator.

- I'm... - Morris Rubinstein.

I've been expecting you.

Wow, how... how did you know that?

Hm. Well, much like this bonsai tree,

we've perfected the technology that sculpts human behavior...

what you might call "fate".

Yeah, something tells me this woman is not gonna help you cheat.

Shh, will you let me do my thing?

Everyone has their price.

Uh, so, listen, my son, Timmy, really wants to get into Strong,

but doesn't really have the grades.

Think you could help him out for,

oh, I don't know... 1,000 bird beaks?

Mr. Rubinstein, if you're asking me to cheat,

the answer is no.

The Grouping Ceremony must remain pure for the proper functioning

of our society.

Would you do it for 2,000?

Mr. Rubinstein, you are embarrassing yourself.

Yes, I agree.

Um, thank you so much, Ms. Administrator.

Sorry for wasting your time.

You have a lovely office, by the way, very sterile and cold.

Come on, she said no, Morris.

Wait!

10,000.

Did you say 10 G's?

All yours if you can get Timmy into Strong.

Deal.

Wow, it worked.

You know what, I am just gonna stop asking questions

at this point and sort of go with it.

All right, let's go over this plan one more time.

Oh, did a child make this?

No, I did, and it took me all night.

All right, now, Timmy's test is tomorrow,

but Timmy won't be there.

You will, passing with flying colors.

Wait, I'm gonna be Timmy?

Am I not missing an extra head?

Three steps ahead of you.

I'll be there with you in an oversized sweater, baby!

Meanwhile, Timmy will take a fake exam with a fake proctor.

All we have to do is find someone Timmy won't recognize.

Someone with smarts, a real professor type.

Who farted?

False alarm.

I think we found our guy.

Did we?

So, the Sunpiercer is divided by socioeconomic class,

so I say we pregame here in Poorville

where the drinks are super cheap,

then make our way over to first class

where you can teabag an oil tycoon.

Wow, sounds like a long night.

When did you say this party ends?

Never.

The Sunpiercer runs on a perpetual-motion engine

that never stops, baby!

Just like us, right?

Totally!

Choo-choo!

Whew. I'm gonna need a pick-me-up.

Yo, yo, yo, what's up, party people?

What's on the menu tonight?

We talkin' Zappers? Freeze? Sludge?

Oh, sorry, we... we don't do drugs.

Yeah right. Look at you.

You're all hyped up and tweaking.

That's because we're young and full of natural energy!

Oh. Cool, cool. Me too.

Hey, guys! Let's eat a full pizza after this.

We can do that because we have great metabolisms!

Bye.

Timmy Rubinstein.

Here.

I told you we should have practiced.

And I told you practicing would ruin

the electricity of the moment.

- Timmy Rubinstein. - Timmy Rubin... oh, right.

Sid, sorry, you say it.

Thank you, Timmy.

Have a seat now, please.

Thank you.

She bought it.

She's in on it!

Hey, enough with the talking. Eyes up here.

Class is in session.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

My name is Professor Scraps.

That's...

How do you spell "Pruh"?

"How big are your muscles?"

Huge.

Sid, hey.

I think this little girl is on to us.

Why do you think that? She's not even looking at us.

Yeah, because she knows.

I'm cracking under the pressure, man.

I got to get out of here!

No.

Wait, no.

Just calm down, okay? You literally have to sit here

and do nothing for this plan to work.

Oh, I picked a bad day to stop wearing underwear.

Why are you not wearing underwear?

Because we're supposed to be one person.

If somebody saw two pair of underwear,

then the whole plan is blown wide open.

Doy!

Frey-Frey!

- Frey-Frey! - Ah!

I'm not asleep, you are.

I'm getting kind of tired.

There's not much going on

in this middle-class section of the train.

It's just kind of normal.

Oh. I mean, well, I could keep partying forever.

But, I mean, if you're tired, I suppose we could leave.

Oh, no, we don't have to go.

I just have to switch out my battery.

Whoo-hoo! Back to 100%.

Oh, are you freakin' kidding me?

Choo-choo, bitch!

Choo-choo.

It's just hard to weigh the pros and cons.

And private school can just be so expensive,

but I really liked the way it looked.

And the teachers were

quite nice and experienced.

Alfred Ronschtadt, you are Malicious.

Why are we allowing this to happen?

They're all just standing there.

We could arrest them right now.

Will you shut up? Timmy's up next.

Oh, this is it.

Nothing we can do now but expect the outcome

we predetermined through bribery.

Timmy Rubinstein.

You are Strong.

- I am? - I am?

Yes! He did it!

And you tried to stop me. In your face!

Are you joking? I helped you.

Yeah, but you were reluctant.

Now that Strong is complete,

they'll begin their strength training immediately

by breaking rocks in the hard labor camp.

Uh, Sid, I hope we didn't make a huge mistake.

Ah, it's good to be back in Strong.

Ooh, I like what I'm seeing.

Keep it up.

All right, nice and tight.

Hey, up high. Too slow.

Bongo, bongo, bongo!

Anyone seen Timmy?

Down here.

What are you doing under there?

I got stuck under this rock.

I've been here all day.

Aw, you just need time to adjust.

Can't expect to grow freakishly huge muscles overnight.

Are you making friends at least?

Sort of.

A few of the guys woke me up in the middle of the night

and threw me through a brick wall.

That sounds less friendly and more like a hostile attack.

But you're happy here, right?

I mean, this is what's best for you?

Sure, I'm happy.

Because you're finally proud of me.

Timmy, I'm always proud of you.

I mean, sure, maybe I don't always show it.

And, sure, there's plenty of times when I don't feel proud of you,

but, well, I guess that's sort of the end of the thought.

Aw, geez.

Come with me.

But I have to finish my rocks.

Oh, that's okay.

I'm sure these beefcakes can handle a few extra.

Hey, one for the road.

Hey, I made it to my own bed with zero repercussions.

Guess I'm not too old to party after all.

Huh.

Into your arms, we commend Freya's spirit, oh, Lord.

Uh, what's going on?

Hey, yeah.

You fully died last night.

What? Really? That's embarrassing.

She's lives! It's a miracle.

Yo, hey, I'm kind of in the middle

of a conversation right now, so.

Did you witness the afterlife?

Please, you must bestow your knowledge upon us.

Fine, yeah, I went to hell,

and it's exactly like everyone thinks.

Everything's on fire, and the Devil

stuck a pitchfork in my ass.

Now will you please shut up?

Anyways, I'm glad you're feeling better

because there is this awesome clone party tonight.

That's where you get cloned

so you can have sex with yourself.

It's so cool because afterwards,

they kill one of you, and you don't know if

you're the clone or the original.

I mean, that does sound fun.

But I think I need a night off.

So, what, you're just gonna abandon me?

It's not like I want to.

I just... I'm too old to keep partying like this.

Okay, fine, then go home and be a loser.

I'm gonna go 69 myself.

Tai, wait!

Please, tell us more from the Great Beyond.

Will you give it a rest? You're, like, obsessed.

I'd like to place an order for more black pants, please.

That's right, I wear them every day.

Sorry, I need to call you back.

What the hell are you doing here?

Yeah, what are we doing here, Dad?

I brought you here because I got to

come clean about something.

Now, now, let's not go saying something we might regret.

The truth is I cheated to get you into Strong.

- Timmy 1: You did? - Why?

I thought I was doing what was best for you.

But really, I was just trying to make you more like me.

It was wrong of me to do it.

I'm proud of the person that you are.

What a touching moment between father and son.

Hmm.

Too bad no one's gonna find out about it.

Whoa, take it easy!

I'm not going to let you destroy everything I've worked for.

I've determined your house, Mr. Rubinstein.

You're in...

Dead.

Ow!

Timmy! That was so...

Heroic!

And this time, I don't mean it as an insult.

Thank you, Dad.

Another weird, long day.

- Hey, Sid. - Aah! Intruder!

Sid, it's just me.

Sorry, I thought you'd be out with Tai still.

It destroys my soul to say this,

but I think I need a night in.

Well, in that case, allow me to introduce you

to Sid's Evening Ritual for Rest and Relaxation.

You have a name for it? That's so lame.

Okay, first off, we have a strict no-shoes policy.

Okay.

Next, we'll get some pillows going.

- And a nice blanket. - Mm.

And then we will crack into this jigsaw puzzle.

Aww, kitty!

I mean, yeah, I guess that could be cool.

Oh, and a pro-tip? Let's brush our teeth now,

so we can go to bed as soon as we're sleepy.

Okay, now that's freakin' rules.

I would love to relax,

but I got to finish grading these papers.

Oh, no, Scraps,

y-y-you don't have to pretend to be a teacher anymore.

Who's Scraps?

It's Professor Scraps.

It's a hard job, and lord knows the pay ain't great.

But at the end of the day, I love my students.

What?

Don't ask.

It's too stupid.